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Snow came down in waves. It cut right through their thick coats and chilled them to the bone. Neil’s father ushered the boy to the car, snow crunching under their feet. The one thing Todd wanted was to give his friend a hug, congratulate him for everything.
Charlie had been right– He was really good.
Better than good in Todd's opinion. So many words he could use to describe Neil on that stage but none of them seemed like enough. Captivating may have come the closest but Neil always captivated him, on or off stage. He resigned himself to never having enough words for it, but a hug would do well to say everything which best remained unspoken.
‘Probably going to stay like that’ Todd thought to himself, quiet adoration blooming in his chest.
He managed to catch Neil’s eye as the car sped away. The poets stood on the curb watching him go.
The hunched figure who shuffled into the car, looking like he wanted to sink through the seat, was a million miles removed from the daring boy he met on his first day at Hellton. He almost blended right in with the snow, the sickly pallor of his skin worried Todd.
“Is it alright if we walk back?” A voice broke him from his trance. Charlie.
Charlie seemed worried but not much more than usual. He’d seen the shake of his head when Neil’s father came to make him drop the annual. Obviously it happened before and it wasn’t worth it, because nothing good ever came from trying to stand up to Mr. Perry.
Keating gave them the okay to walk back to the school, and the poets retreated down the street. They stopped and waited a moment for Todd to catch up. His eyes caught on the tire tracks through the snow and the urge to follow them overwhelmed him.
He turned and joined the group, tripping on a patch of ice. He lagged behind with Charlie on his right.
“I’m really worried about Neil,” Todd spoke up,
“I am too, but this happens every once in a while. Blowout fight and nothing changes,”
“No Charlie, I’m…” The words escaped him like sand through his fingers.
Which happened a lot more when it came to Neil than he’d like to admit. He sighed heavy in his chest, looking at the path from where they came.
“I’ll go check on him. You go on without me,”
“If Neil’s old man catches you he’ll shoot you,”
The idea put him off a little. If he got shot Neil would never forgive him, never forgive himself, none of the poets would.
“I’ll be careful. Meet you back at school!”
“We’re going to the cave, if you’re interested!” Charlie called from behind him.
He gave a small nod before slipping on the same patch of ice, and crossing the street.
The theatre lit up like a starry night, or a Christmas tree with bulbs hanging from every branch. The coming Christmas would be his first with the poets in his life, with Neil. He would of course be expected to go spend the holidays with his family but if he had it his way, he would hole himself and the rest of them in his dorm and stay there till New Years. Away from the judging eyes of his family, where they could laugh and joke without anyone feeling the chill of winter air.
He pulled his collar to his cheeks and ducked beneath it. No one needed to know he wasn’t going back to the school just yet. Ice squeaked under his boots as he went. He had a general idea of where Neil lived, close enough that the walk wouldn’t be too difficult even in the pounding snow.
It took under half an hour to reach the street he recognized. Lined with old gnarled trees, suggesting the age of the street itself, and red brick houses, all their windows darkened. The world slept.
In the driveway to one of the houses, covered with a thin sheen of snow, a muted yellow car stood out starkly against the driven snow. Between the space of the house and the next, the creak of a window on its rails reverberated through the street.
The snow laid smooth and untouched as he slid, without a peep, down the side of the house. A single hand dragged across rough brick, keeping his balance against the torrents of snow pushing him and sticking to whatever it could grab hold of.
He came to the window and placed his hands on the sill, feeling the chipped paint under his hands. Through the opening, right in his line of sight, sat Neil’s crown. He looked at it, face screwing up in a question. Neil had no reason to leave it there.
On the opposite side of the wall a pale figure stood, outlined in light from the hall, freckled back reflecting like the moon in the quiet blue light.
“Neil!” He whispered through the darkness, poking his head through the open window, breaking the seemingly careful curated silence of the night.
Neil whipped around to face him, and the first thing that struck Todd was how much paler he looked. His dark hair stuck to his face in a sick sheen and his eyes were red rimmed, pupils blown out turning his eyes into empty black holes.
“Todd,”
“Are you alright?”
It seemed to be the wrong thing to say because the moment the words left his lips Neil fell to the ground in a heap, tears running down his cheeks. He curled against the doorframe, holding his knees close to his chest. Once again trying to make himself sink into the ground, make himself small.
Todd didn’t want to make Neil feel small.
Before he could register what he was doing, he scrambled through the window. He fell to the ground, gracefully as he could manage. Fear still settled within him that Neil’s father would come bursting through the door and shoot him, but with Neil crying on the floor, half naked and red faced, he couldn’t find it within himself to care too much.
He crawled to his side, hands and knees dragging against hardwood. He didn’t say anything, he never said the right thing, but Neil needed him.
Before Todd could say a word, a thin hand unfurled and grabbed him by the hem of his coat. Neil. Daring, brilliant, beautiful, Neil. Almost childlike. Small. Quiet. Scared.
Both of Todd’s arms wrapped around him in an attempt to comfort him. One found his hair, pushing back the sweat slicked strands and brushing against the spiky hair on the back of his neck. The other trailed down his back, catching on imperfections, and tracing the shape of his shoulder blades.
“Neil,” He repeated. “Talk to me. I want to help,” He said, trying not to give away the obvious waver in his voice.
Neil didn’t have words. He opened his mouth but they caught in his throat and swelled, blocking every thought, every word. His head filled with warping, grotesque radio static. He pushed out hard breaths from his chest, searching for the last of them left.
Tears dripped down his neck, past his sternum, and Todd dutifully wiped them away with gentle hands.
“You’re okay,” He said, wiping the endless tears from his cheeks. “You’re okay.”
Neil’s eyes darted around the room and tried to focus on something, something other than the tightness in his chest, and the horrible thought’s swirling in his head. His hands shook wildly. Bile bubbled in his chest and he wanted to vomit.
Finally his eyes caught on something, hovering out in the darkness. He reached a hand out towards it, half worried he’d gone mad, and the only thing waiting there was the glint of a floating dagger. Instead long fingers threaded through golden strands and he realised what he was touching. The messy ripple atop Todd’s head reflected in the moonlight.
Upon realisation he pulled away. Todd chased the loss, leaving him colder than he’d been out in the storm. He continued to pet Neil’s head, running his fingers through his hair, brushing it out till like silk.
Soon, Neil’s eyes focused and the words swirling in his brain came down to two,
“I’m sorry.”
It punched out of his chest as a pathetic sob.
“Don’t be sorry,” Todd paused his ministration, and focused on Neil’s red face.
He stuttered through his next words, sounds short and clipped. “I was going to—I’m so sorry,” He gasped. “I can’t—I’m stuck Todd. I don’t have any other choice— I don’t.”
Todd sat, patient with his heavy breaths, and blubbering words. He resumed his movements, and Neil’s shoulders dropped.
“I just want to take control for once in my goddamn life!” He wanted to shout, scream it from the rooftops but didn’t want to risk waking his parents. “I— I was going to take my father’s gun and— and—,” He gestured with two fingers against his temple. “I’m so sorry, Todd.”
Todd’s eyes widened and his jaw tightened against itself.
“Neil,” He breathed,
“I understand if— if you don’t want to deal with this, if you want to leave,”
Todd had no words to describe how phenomenally stupid Neil was being, so instead he leaned in and gripped him tightly. Face buried in Neil’s soft neck. Tears soaking into the top of his head.
“Take control then,” Todd said with a stutter, looking up at him. “Let’s leave. Get out of this place, away from Welton, away from our families. Where we can just be Neil and Todd,”
“I couldn’t do that to you,”
“I’m suggesting it,” He took Neil’s face between two chilled hands. “I want this.”
Neil screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “No. No, we don’t have anything. No money, nothing,”
“We have each other,”
“Is that enough?”
“It is for me.”
Todd licked his lips, considering what he needed to say. “You are so loved, Neil. The poets love you, Charlie loves you, Keating loves you…,” He took a steadying breath. “I love you,”
Silence fell like a cloth between them. The anxiety Todd knew all too well settled in his stomach, and prepared to stay. He wanted to move, show Neil his love, make it physical, but he wouldn’t. Not when Neil sat sobbing on the floor, so vulnerable.
He pulled away, holding Neil by his shoulders.
“Todd,” Wide brown eyes opened, driving a hole right through Todd’s head, burying into his soul.
Neil threw himself into action. As if struck by a bolt of lightning, bringing him to life, he surged across the distance. Pressing their lips together.
He floated, lost at sea without a compass and Todd was the star guiding him home. The best thing that ever happened to him. Todd was it for him.
The static swirling in his brain exploded with colour and music. Once ugly and unsightly, now wrapped him in a warm hug.
The kiss was far from perfect. It didn’t look like something he’d seen in the movies. Those kisses were passionate and coordinated, where this one tasted of tears. Neil had never seen two men kissing, and until Todd walked into his life he never even considered it a possibility.
Slowly they learned the shapes of each other’s mouths, every divot and crease. For a moment, Neil feared he misread things, and Todd would leave, but when he leaned forward and traced the defined shape of his cheekbone there wasn’t a doubt left in his mind.
“I want to be happy,” Neil whispered into his mouth, “Take me somewhere better.”
Somewhere better. Where he could be himself, act, kiss Todd, and wish on shooting stars. Better. With no parents, no teachers, nobody to judge them.
Neil sniffled, wiping his face. Todd looked on, eyes wide, mouth opening and closing like a very surprised fish.
“You– you,” Todd's mouth fell open. “You kissed me.”
Neil’s eyes fell to the ground, eyebrows pinching together. Todd had never seen such a dejected expression on his face, and he never wanted to again. He had amazing things to say, he spoke and everyone listened. Now, his breath came small and shallow, another bout of tears welled in his eyes.
“Was that not… alright?”
“No!” He said a little too loudly. “Yes! I mean… I’ve wanted to do that for ages.”
He leaned forward slowly, giving Neil time to stop him and pressed a small, chaste kiss to the corner of his lips. What he would give to see them pull back into a smile.
“I want to keep kissing you,” Neil said, eyes unfocused and starstruck.
Todd squeaked out a noise, leaning in one more time. Their lips met with a sudden jolt of electricity and Neil pressed a shaky sigh into him. Fireworks lit up behind his eyes, and butterflies began to flutter about his stomach.
“You should,” Todd coughed. “Pack your things. There’s a meeting at the cave, we should go say goodbye.”
Neil nodded. He sighed, pulling himself to his feet. Todd shot up from the ground, taking his arm to steady his wobbling legs. He let out a breath to balance himself, leaning over against Todd.
When he steadied, he hobbled over to his bed. He pulled on a plain white shirt and reached underneath the bed. Leather scratched at the floorboards as he pulled out his bag, empty and deflated. He opened his chest of drawers one by one by one, shovelling clothing into the bag as he went.
He reached into the back of his sock drawer and pulled out a wallet with a handful of bills stuffed inside. Next to the wallet was a small black box.
Neil opened it, inspecting the contents and Todd caught a glimpse of silver cufflinks, alongside it a gold locket. Todd noticed the pieces seemed expensive— that told him gifts.
“We can sell them,” Neil said, shoving both the wallet and the box into a hidden pocket in his bag.
Todd straightened against the doorframe as Neil reached out for another kiss. He could keep kissing him forever and ever. They could kiss everyday for the rest of their lives and it still wouldn’t be enough.
He pulled away, walking over to the window, touching the leaf barren crown with gentle hands. The sticks scratched, rough against his fingertips as he carried it to his bag. He placed it atop a pile of shirts and the satisfying sound of the metal zipper filled the room.
Once more he rifled through his sock drawer, for a pair of socks this time and pulled them onto his feet. He tied his boots, and tiptoed over to his desk chair to retrieve his dark woollen coat.
Todd fingered the soft wool of the scarf hanging from the back of the door.
“I need that,” Neil said sheepishly.
He looked at him through blonde eyelashes, and unhooked the scarf from its place. It slid through his hands as he folded it in half. Slowly, like he would a spooked animal, he wrapped the wool around Neil’s neck. He threaded it through itself, tightening it against his throat. Todd adjusted the sides, grazing the soft skin underneath Neil’s ears.
It sent a shudder through him and he had to close his eyes against the feeling.
“I’m sorry,” Neil whispered, eyes shut,
“I am too,” He leaned down, trying to get a better look at his face.
Neil looked up again, meeting Todd’s gaze, and he couldn’t help it. He leaned in and kissed him. Their lips slid together with a happy sound, but Todd pulled away.
“You know, we’re never going to get out of here if you keep kissing me,” He blushed,
Neil sighed, a smile pulling at his cheeks.
“Okay, okay. One more thing then we can go,”
He stepped over to his desk, pulling a piece of paper from it. The furious scratch of a pen filled the small room. He kept the letter short, to the point. Todd watched as Neil’s scrawling handwriting, his words, truth, filled the page.
Neil signed it, and placed it on the table.
A hand fisted around the handle of his bag and dragged it to his side.
“To the cave,” he said, voice watery.
—
The walk drew on and night fell heavy over the two of them. The fresh driven snow laid across the roads, no footprints stained them and the windows remained darkened. The little light on the streets being the lamps Neil and Todd stood beneath. Neither of them knew who pressed their hand into the others, but soon their sweaty hands gripped each other like a lifeline.
In the distance Welton rose, a huge hulking beast of stone and metal, overlooking the land. The woods were thick and the branches hung heavy with snow. Birds flitted about in the trees, the tiniest sounds from their fluttering wings reached their ears. Even in the dark, with dim light from the moon carving out their path, they found their way back to the cave.
Far off in the distance laughing resounded, loud and familiar. It pierced through the wall of white and guided them to the cave like a homing beacon. They followed a small divot in the snow where multiple pairs of feet passed before, and both of them became almost giddy with excitement. Along the same path a fresher pair of footprints headed back the other direction, it seemed one of them decided to turn in for the night.
Todd led the way. Light emanated from the cave like a bright, warm torch and smoke curled upwards into the sky through the hole in the ceiling.
“Hello?” he called out,
“Todd?” A few voices returned.
“Get in here,” A voice said, but neither of them could place through the loud rush of wind.
Neil slipped his hand out of Todds and rubbed it against his face, at least he could blame the bright pink of his cheeks and nose on the bitter cold.
The second their feet crossed the threshold everyone pounced on Neil, patting him on the back, congratulating him. Todd took his seat to the side so he could observe his friends. Their flashlights had been tossed to the side, throwing bright yellow beams of light across the cave. At the centre lay a tiny pile of sticks, more smoke than fire, but most importantly the god of the cave flickered, bright as anything.
“Alright, Alright. Back off boys. Give our star some space,” Charlie gestured with the cigarette in his hand, pushing the poet’s off of him like rabid dogs fighting over a bone.
All the poets were there, save for Cameron.
Neil was relieved Charlie stepped in but thought it best he kept that little fact to himself. No more questions about the play, where he had been, his father. He settled against the stone beside Todd, and the questions began again.
“What, are you writing a book?” Neil asked, laugh in his voice, but the barrage didn’t stop.
Though one question did stand out against the rest. “What happened?” From Charlie, who always seemed to know the right thing to say.
“I’m not really sure,” The ruckus died and Neil took the offered cigarette, lighting it from the god of the cave.
Charlie leaned back against the wall with a slow nod of understanding.
“You two fought?”
“Of course we did, but—,” He took a long drag, letting the smoke burn in his lungs for a moment.
He shrugged before continuing, “We’re leaving,” He looked back at Todd.
They tried to keep the lovestruck blush from their cheeks but Neil could feel his face burning and knew he failed miserably.
Silence.
Chaos erupted through the cave. Voices layered to create a wall of sound and uproar. He glanced back at Todd and could tell the sound bothered him, that he wanted to reach up and cover his ears.
“Alright!” Neil shouted, taking another drag, “One question at a time guys, christ.”
“Why are you leaving?” A voice asked, he barely registered who it was but it sounded like Meeks.
“Because I’m tired of this. Of my father, or Welton, I’m done. We need to get away,”
“We?” Definitely Knox,
Neil stuttered a bit, looking back at Todd, “holy shit,” someone whispered. A part of him hoped the poets would have put it together by now, but another prayed they hadn’t noticed.
“ We are going to get on a train and ride it to the end of the line, settle somewhere big or something like that. I’m not sure yet,”
He fell into this fantasy he’d created for the future. Billboards lighting the streets better than the sun, people packed into the city like sardines, his name in lights. Neil and Todd against the world.
“And what are we?” Charlie asked, voice tight,
“When we settle somewhere we’ll find a way to get in contact,”
“I’m coming with you,” He leaned forward, prepared to jump up and leave.
“No, we can’t uproot your life too. You’re staying,”
A protest formed on his lips but Neil only shook his head. “For one, we’ll be runaways, and flunked. Two, you’ve got less than a year left, come with us then,”
The poets looked between each other, unsure where to go next.
“Where are you going to go?”
“Not sure yet. We might try New York,” He looked back for confirmation from Todd, who watched him with soft eyes.
“You’re sure you want to go alone?”
“It’s for the best,”
Charlie sighed, “Alright, but you big city folk can’t forget about us, got it?”
“Or what?”
“Or I’ll hunt down your asses, that’s what,” He pointed an accusatory finger at them.
Moonlight streamed in through the hole in the ceiling as it rose higher and higher into the inky black sky. The moon made its steady journey and not much darkness remained before his parent’s awoke and noticed his absence.
“We better get going.”
They filed one by one out of the cave, gathering around the entrance. They held their flashlights, cutting golden paths through the darkness, giving the two boys a path back to horrible civilization.
“Thank you for everything,” Neil smiled at their friends. He felt Todd shuffling closer, presence at his side unmistakable. Todd smiled, thanks unspoken but evident in his face.
The Dead Poets gathered around them, gripping both of them tightly. The warmth of it, and the scratch of their woollen coats reminiscent of the comforting embrace of the cave at their backs.
“You’ll call us, or get a letter through, or something. Right?” Pitts said, strained by so many pairs of arms squeezing him into the hug.
Todd nodded and it was reassurance enough.
Neil found tears welling up in his eyes. How could he even consider leaving them behind? All of them were his friends, and they loved him. For a moment there, warm against the torrents of snow around them, everything would be alright.
With hesitation they separated. All a little teary eyed, but a spark caught in their chests and hope flooded them. Spreading, warming from the inside out.
Both of them received pats on the back, and reassuring touches. Charlie turned to Neil, the fire they’d grown to know so well burning there again.
“Remember, I’ll fuckin’ find you,”
“Not if I find you first,”
“Promise?”
Neil held out his pinky,
“We’re not kids anymore,” Charlie rolled his eyes before taking Neil’s pinky in his own.
“That’s a promise, Charlie,”
“Dammit Neil, I told you,” His smile grew watery, “It’s Nuwanda.”
Neil laughed and took a step back, grasping the bag over his shoulder. Todd joined him quickly, with an awkward wave to their friends that was so very him.
“Till next time,” Neil gave a little salute.
Snow squeaked as they turned to make for the woods, back into town, to the train station, and after, wherever it led them.
Right then, a dark figure appeared at the treeline. Everyone took a few steps back and Todd considered it might have been someone coming to drag them home, get them all expelled.
Neil’s breath rose in his chest and for a moment the fear made him sure it was his father, who’d followed them, gun in hand, ready to shoot Todd. At the thought he took a step forward, inching over in front of Todd.
The figure raised their hands in surrender, and Neil’s shoulders dropped slightly.
“It’s just me boys!” A familiar voice called out.
“Mr.Keating?” A chorus of voices called back,
“Been a while since I’ve seen this place…,” He trailed off, looking at the cave above, a small quirked smile gracing his face.
“What– What are you doing here?” Neil asked after a long silence
“Came to say goodbye to you both,”
“You knew?” Todd interjected, they’d been so careful,
“I assumed when you followed, Neil,”
“You’re not going to stop us. Are you?” He felt the rest of the Poets at his back like an army.
Keating paused looking out over the stillness of the forest, “No. For all Nolan and the school know– I was never here. I’ll give it to you straight,” He laughed a little. ”I usually like to work within the law, but right now… If you think leaving would be best, I understand.”
‘Usually’ By this point they all began imagining Keating doing black market deals in darkened alleys, dressed up in a scary suit and trilby.
“Here,” He held out two items clutched in one hand.
A clean white envelope and a tattered old book. Neil took them with gentle hands and immediately recognised the dark green book. He ran his hand down the taped up spine and knew he had done it before. ‘Five Centuries of Verse’ sat heavy in his hands, but somehow the envelope was heavier.
He pulled open the edges of the envelope and nestled between the paper was a stack of bills.
Neil didn’t even register how much, just looked up and said, “No– There’s no way we could accept this,”
“Just take it—,” Keating shook his head. “It should keep you on your feet for a while.”
Neil’s mouth fell open, and he looked back at Todd, who’s eyes darted between him, Keating and the forest beyond.
“You did amazing Neil,” He smiled, “You’re going to be Welton’s first thespian. I’m sure.”
A warm laugh burst from his chest.
“Carpe Diem. Seize the day boys. Make your lives extraordinary,”
“Go on, there’s a train leaving in an hour. It’ll take you to New York City.”
“Thank you. Thank you so much,” Neil whispered, not believing what was happening in front of him. He placed the book and envelope in his coat.
He looked up at Keating and jolted forward. Wrapping his arms around him, squeezing him like he wanted to push all the air out. A soft “oof,” escaped Keating and he wrapped his arms around Neil.
Neil's father never hugged him. He didn’t even know if he’d held him as a baby. If he hadn't, maybe it would explain why they never liked each other. Neil sighed into the hug and the one thought filling his head, “So that’s what that feels like.”
Pulling back, Neil grinned. Turning to face Todd he asked,
“Ready?”
“Ready.”
They took a step, but Todd stopped at Keating’s hand on his shoulder.
“You’re going to do great things Todd. Great things,” He stressed each word, he really meant it. For a moment he considered, for so long he believed everything inside him worthless– embarrassing, but now, he wasn’t so sure.
He returned with a small smile and a whispered ‘thank you’ the sound lost over the wind. Todd often didn’t enjoy hugs, but it was the best way he knew how to show what he couldn’t say. So he stepped in and gave Keating the tightest hug he could.
Together him and Neil turned towards the woods.
Neil grasped his hand and made himself not turn back, fearing he would break into tears the moment he laid eyes on them. His eyes filled with tears at simply catching Todd in his peripheral vision.
At the treeline, Todd paused, turning to look back at the rest of the Poets. In the small amount of light filling the clearing, he could see their bittersweet faces and tears beginning to form.
He pulled on a brave face like a well fitted shirt. He climbed onto a nearby boulder, planting his feet, standing proudly.
“Oh Captain, My Captain!” He called across the clearing, holding back the tears threatening to stain his cheeks.
A chorus of the same echoed through the empty forest and Todd jumped off. Grasping Neil’s hand. Together they disappeared into the wood.
—
The town laid still, like a calm sea as they passed, and Neil had to remind himself this would be the last time. He hoped he wouldn’t have to see his father for a long, long time and if he had it his way he’d never see him again, but he didn’t feel so lucky.
The frigid platform sat deserted; other than a pair of old men down the platform, quietly huddled on the bench. Again the urge to kiss overtook them but instead they shuffled closer, able to blame it on keeping the chill off.
A metallic rumble resounded from the tracks ahead of them and the train chugged into the station. They hopped up the steps and through the door. The moment their feet passed inside an attendant set upon them, asking them for their tickets. Neither of them knew the ins and outs of the transit system, so purchasing tickets stumped them. Neil, too embarrassed, or maybe proud, to admit he had no idea what he had to do; managed to trip and fall his way into a half decent excuse of— they lost their tickets and needed to purchase new ones.
The attendant didn’t seem impressed but issued them ‘new’ ones, which ate up most of the money in Neil’s wallet and suddenly, relief he took the envelope flooded him.
Todd led him through the hallway and into one of the booths lining the train. The place seemed to be near empty, either a quiet night, or everyone lounged over in the dining car enjoying themselves and their money.
Light patterned curtains flipped back and forth in the draft from the vents, serving as a door. Todd sat, shuffling over to the window, and Neil beside him, bag in his lap.
“It’s pretty empty,” He said, pulling the curtain shut.
Todd glanced over at him and whispered out a breathy, “Yeah.”
After making sure the curtain shut all the way, Neil leaned over. Resting a near indecent hand on his thigh, he pressed a quick kiss to Todd’s cheek.
“What was that for?” Todd asked, blush spreading across his cheeks,
“I don’t know,”
Neil smiled and the sun rose in their dim little room.
“Oh… Okay,” Todd turned away, smiling into the frozen glass of the window.
The train began to move and before both of them knew it, Welton hung in the rearview mirror. They escaped.
“You know, i’m going to do that a lot when we have our own place,”
“Really?”
Neil grinned and turned to look at the passing landscape.
—
They rolled into the station, barely even noticing the train slowing. Leaned together, close enough, the lines between them began to blur, melding together into something neither Todd nor Neil, simply Together.
Todd woke first with a harsh breath through his nose. Blinking awake, his vision filled with Neil. Face slack and pressed against the window, flush with chill and thankfulness flooded Todd’s chest.
Seeing Neil bathed in morning light, so bright, he couldn’t imagine him cold and pale in a coffin. It had not even been a day and already he couldn't imagine a life where he didn’t kiss Neil for the rest of their days.
Todd sighed. They would have to tread lightly, everyone knew what happened to queers. He considered for a moment if their friends knew. Charlie had been friends with Neil for years, and may have already known. Most of them could go either way, or at least, Todd couldn’t risk it.
He ran a gentle hand over Neil’s dark hair, trying his best to not catch on any of the knots there.
“Neil. Wake up.”
He looked out the window hoping to be met with an ever moving view of the city but instead his eyes met a dark, water stained, brick wall. The noise did invade the small train car, the honking, and shouting, and constant buzz of the city. Todd didn’t know if he would be able to stand it.
Neil grumbled and opened one eye a sliver, revealing a bit of coffee brown iris.
“We’re here,” Todd whispered,
Life seemed to flow back into Neil and he sat up, gaze flying to the window, but met the same disappointing view. A grin tugged at his cheeks anyway. He shot Todd a look, which made him feel much better about everything.
Together they joined the flow of people out the door, through a few staircases and hallways. Todd knew they looked hopelessly lost, but the steady river of people pushed them through a set of double doors. Both of them paused, looking around for a moment, searching desperately for their bearings.
Neil's eyes turned upwards, and his hand flew to Todd's. Brick rose up around them, shining gold in the lamplight. The marble tile spread out around them. People parted, groaning angrily.
Green wreaths lined the walls, prepared for Christmas and a bit of light streamed in from the windows, illuminating what the lightbulbs did not.
Neil smiled, looking out at the beginning of their future, but Todd could only stare at him.
Their hands rubbed together, frigid skin against a warm, nerve filled hand. With a gasp Neil pulled away, eyes flying over to Todd then to the pedestrians around them. In the hustle and bustle of the busy station no one paid any mind to the two awestruck boys.
Neil wrapped a hand around Todd’s upper arm and shuffled them over to a set of benches. From where they sat they could look out over the crowd and past the moving heads a large sign displayed upcoming train times.
“Alright– Where to?” Neil asked with a smile,
“Well…,” Todd thought for a moment. “We could try Boston?”
“Boston,” Neil nodded his head. “Alright. Train leaves in an hour,”
“How will we…,” Neil began, but Todd wasn’t listening.
A very rare thing for the boy. Neil looked over at him but Todd's eyes stared upwards. He looked at him for a moment before following his line of vision up towards the ceiling.
The turquoise painted ceiling rose high above them, dotted with golden stars reflecting in the lamplight, forming shapes and constellations. They blinked and twinkled like the actual night sky spreading out high above the earth.
“Well thats—,” Neil shuffled closer.
Neil traced the patterns and lines of the mural. A winged horse, a pair of fish, a crab, a bull, and Orion the hunter. Some of the constellations he couldn’t place, but inspected every one.
The longer he gazed up at it, the bigger a hole he cut through it, to the sky beyond. It became a great swirling vortex and he couldn’t tell whether he was ascending or falling deep into it. It reminded him exactly of kissing Todd. Transported into a space neither heaven or earth. Reduced to pure energy.
His pinky stretched out, and hidden by the furl of their coats, took Todd’s. Todd jolted and his eyes widened before returning to the ceiling.
“You couldn’t see the stars at school but out at the cave… if it was clear, it looked like this,” Neil whispered.
Todd’s smile never left his face.
The warmth of their pinkies didn’t leave each other, hidden away from the crowds and uncaring marble. Their eyes never left the ceiling, and the idea of moving from their seats seemed impossible. The bell resounded and the clock struck the hour. Todd seemed to come back to himself at the sound, eyes flying to the clock.
“Uhh, Neil,”
Neil hummed at him.
“We missed our train, by… half an hour,”
“No way,” Neil’s eyes found Todd again, he huffed. “Well damn. Alright, when does the next train leave?”
Todd looked away. Neil could read plain as day he had something to say, but held it back.
“What is it?”
Todd’s eyes found him without turning his head. “Maybe, we could stay. Even just for a while?”
“You’d like to stay in New York?”
“Yeah, I would.”
With one last glance to the stars above, Neil stood. The loss of their pinkies hooked together pained him.
“Come on— I’m hungry.”
With a nod Todd followed behind him, through the crowds and out into the streets, choked by exhaust and shadow. The cacophony of noise surrounding them made Todd shuffle closer to Neil, wrapping a hand around his coat cuff to stay close.
Neil looked up and down the street before choosing a direction and walking, tugging Todd along behind him. He held on tight to his bag with one hand. The farther they walked the closer they came to their unknown goal. Ahead Neil spotted a patch of green sticking out like a great big sign against the dark greys of the city.
He looked curiously at the patch, considering if it could be central park, but as they approached it looked far too small. They turned into the park and collapsed onto a short bench where they had to squish in, shoulder to shoulder to oversized bag.
The city excited them more than either of them expected, so the quieter park, removed from the busy streets, stood as a refuge and needed reprieve.
They scanned the area, taking in the people, the sounds, the buildings rising high around them.
“Think they’ve noticed we’re gone?” Todd asked, shooting a suspicious look over at a cop car parked nearby,
“I’d hope so,” Neil laughed,
Todd hummed and tilted his head over to a little hole in the wall shop across the street. In bright multicoloured signs it advertised pizza. Neil smiled, placing his bag in Todd’s lap, and with a pat on his shoulder ran off to get them something.
As he sat there on the bench, alone, almost tempted to bury his face in his jacket. Not to protect himself from the cold but to hide his face from anyone passing by. He knew the idea to be silly, of course no one would recognize him. Classes would have already begun and likely most thought they were skipping class— something rare, but not unheard of at Welton. If they had declared him missing the news certainly hadn’t reached New York yet.
Before he could fall too deep into the spiral of his own thoughts, Neil plopped back beside him, and passed over a greasy slice of pizza. On the seat between them, he placed a single bottle of soda.
“Last one,” Neil shrugged,
The smell and heat rose up through the icy air. Todd’s mouth began to water. His stomach grumbled and he realised he hadn’t eaten since breakfast the morning before, skipping out on lunch and dinner from anxiousness about the show.
Neil twisted the top of the soda and raised it to his lips. He lowered it and held it out for Todd. Todd shook his head with a smile and took a sip from the bottle, Neil’s eyes never leaving him. Feelings of danger, fear, reality, swirled around him.
A kiss for the whole world to see.
The sun dipped below the jagged line of buildings, basking them in shadow. Sitting together the approaching storm didn’t seem too bitter. They each radiated heat for each other and each other alone.
Neither of them knew how long they sat there, but the world kept spinning and the city that never sleeps kept moving. Cars whizzed by and people walked down the twisting paths.
Lights from the highrises poked out through the darkness. Todd found himself connecting constellations once again, hand inching closer and closer to Neil.
From beside him, like a disembodied voice in the dark, Neil asked, “What makes a life extraordinary?”
Todd thought for a moment, looking out at all the little sparks in the darkness.
“I don’t know. Let’s find out.”