Archive of Our Own

-8:15 p.m.-

Chan was sitting on a chair in a restaurant that he couldn't remember the name of, surrounded by laughter. There was food on the table that he would've killed to eat yesterday. But today, his appetite wasn't with him.

Today, it felt like no one was with him. Loneliness was weird; it never hit him when he wanted it or when it would make sense. 

He felt a pat on his shoulder, and the person beside him laughed at something someone else said. He laughed along without even realising he was doing it. After living as an idol, it was second nature now. Laughing along even if you didn't understand what was going on, laughing along even if you didn't feel like it. 

As he saw others' attention being diverted away from him, his smile slipped. It came back up soon enough; he couldn't let someone notice. 

He kept a pleasant expression on his face for the rest of the dinner. Or at least tried to. He could make his lips smile, but his eyes always got tired too quickly. He could never make them look authentic for longer than a few seconds. 

The dinner ended, and Chan quickly walked out. He knew he should've stuck around and said goodbye to everyone, but he didn't. He was afraid someone would notice he was not feeling well. But that wasn't the main concern. It was the fact that when they asked him what was wrong, he'd have no clue what to tell them.

His members were too sweet. Too caring. They'd make a fuss, or not, if he asked them not to. They'd fight the company to get him a break, deal with the workload so he could rest, and take care of him till he would have to physically push them away to leave him alone. 

But he didn't need that. Chan could work. Sure, there were days when he just felt like laying in bed forever, but everyone had those. They were normal. And he had been working long enough to now push through with nothing but sheer willpower. So a few slumps wouldn't hinder his ability to function like normal.

And his problem wasn't really serious either. He remembered the others coming in for practice and recordings with injuries and conditions far worse than his, some of which he couldn't even pronounce.

But every time he pushed past it, every time he half assed an interaction and watched as the other person's will to talk to him crumbled before his eyes, a hole inside him became bigger. And he didn't care. He couldn't care.

That was all there was to it. He didn't care. About anything. He was just so tired, mentally, physically, and in any other way possible.

Everything seemed to be duller. All his emotions felt shallower. Time wasn't even a concept for him anymore. Sometimes it went so fast he wouldn't even realise a week went by, and sometimes, like the dinner, it crawled so slowly that he could do ten laps to and fro and it still wouldn't have moved more than an inch. 

But Chan just didn't care. Maybe he used to, but that part of him seemed to be lost somewhere, and he still hadn't found it. He never even bothered to look.

It wasn't always as bad as today. Sometimes, Chan could carry conversations well, joke around and make everyone laugh, tease Seungkwan and the others, and be himself. The person he was supposed to be. Lee Chan. Seventeen's maknae. Dino. 

But those moments were becoming rarer and rarer. Chan could feel as he lost more of himself every day. And as each day went by, his anxiety rose. One day, they'd catch him. Find out that he wasn't himself anymore, he wasn't their Dino anymore. And then… who knew? Chan didn't, and he didn't want to either. 

His head had already created enough scenarios to make him ready for anything. The worst thing was something Chan had already thought of. He just didn't want to admit it; he was scared that saying it out loud would make it come true. What if manifestation worked? He'd be fucked. He couldn't even imagine being without Seventeen. 

Seventeen wasn't a mere group he was a part of; it was a part of him. A huge one. And he had lost enough of himself. If he lost them too, he wasn't sure if there would be anything left. Thankfully, Chan was interrupted out of his thoughts. 

"Hey, maknae, where ya heading?" Jun asked, his hand on Dino's shoulder and concern poorly veiled behind his smile. 

Dino answered in a cheery tone, "Ah, Jun-hyung, you surprised me! I was just heading for a walk. Digest the food, you know."

"What food? You barely ate." 

Dino's voice wavered at his stern tone, but he wasn't going to give in so easily. "I did eat some. Plus, I think fresh air will do me good."

Jun raised his eyebrow. "You sure you okay? It's late. You should stay back. If you wanna talk, we are here, all of us." 

Dino smiled and said, "I'm fine. Don't worry. I'll come back soon." 

This time, he squinted his eyes while raising his lips to try to actually look happy. He probably came off as a crazy person with a very concerning eye twitch, but it seemed to work as the Chinese idol left him alone. 

He sighed as he saw Jun walk back to the restaurant, feeling the cold now. He tugged his jacket tighter around him and walked. 

He didn't have a destination in mind, so he just followed where his legs led him. He had been living in the area long enough to find his way back wherever he ended up, as long as he didn't wander too far away. 

And so he walked, lamp post to lamp post, his chest feeling like that one time he had woken up to find Mingyu lying on top of him. It was crushing him, and this time he couldn't push it off like he had done back then.

He wondered what Mingyu would do if he told him about this. What would he do if he was in Chan's shoes? He'd probably be able to deal with it; he was older and much better at handling this stuff than Chan ever would be. Chan wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to measure up.

There had been a period when he had been feeling better. He had been truly happy, enjoying waking up for the first time. He had no deadlines, no work, and their comeback had been a huge success, topping charts all over the world. That was the last time Chan had felt alive.

Now he just felt like he was an intruder in his own body. Like somehow he had ended up in someone else's home, some place where he didn't deserve to be. And he was too afraid to truly enjoy it, scared of the true owner coming back and kicking him out anytime.

He had no idea how he had managed to go through all this in the past. It was so much harder back then. But he had made it past it without breaking. What was different now? Was Chan just that weak? Was this his expiry? 

He wanted to believe his life had gotten harder. And to some extent, it had. His past self wouldn't have managed to survive a day in his current life. But Chan wasn't sure he could survive a day in his past anymore either. All it seemed to remind him of was all the pain he was just prolonging. And when it finally hit him, it would be that much harder. 

He didn't want to think about that anymore. He came to clear his head, not fall deeper into it. He stopped when he realised where he had arrived.

He stood on a bridge. A bridge that hung over a rather deep river. A river that would break his bones on impact due to the surface tension and then freeze them when he sank in. 

It sounded tempting.

His hands shook as they rested on the ledge. It would just take one short jump. And then he'd fly. And he'd finally be free. Free from living like a puppet in a jail made from threads he wove himself into. Free from everything.

He stared at the river. He wondered how long it would take before he stopped breathing. He had his lungs trained from years of vocal practice. Maybe he'd sink and reach the bottom before drowning. How deep could it really be? How cold would it really be? Maybe enough to make him finally feel something. Anything. Maybe it would be enough to make him care.

Care.

He had people who cared about him. 12 faces flashed in his head. His mom and dad's followed. They'd all be so sad, probably would even cry. Chan had seen them cry before, and he never wanted to be the cause of it. Hurting people he cared about was so much worse than what he felt right now.

He stepped away from the ledge. He wasn't sure what he would do if he stayed there for too long. He turned around, heading back to home (he wasn't sure if he could call it his)

This time he made sure to push his thoughts deep inside the crevice in his head, making sure they wouldn't come out for at least the next hour or so. Until he felt better and not like jumping off any bridges anymore. 

He started speed-walking back, his heartbeat rapid and a churning in his stomach at what he almost did. His arms were starting to get numb from the cold, so he shoved them in his pockets, but it didn't help. Why nervousness made his hands go cold, he'd never figure out. 

He remembered the breathing exercises Myungho had taught him. They were supposed to make him feel better. He tried them, but he was too out of breath to do them properly. He still kept trying; he needed a distraction.

His legs finally stopped in front of the dorm building. He inhaled deeply, trying to catch his breath. There was a stinging in his legs from how much he had walked. The bridge was a considerable distance away from the restaurant, which was even farther away from their dorm. He'd feel it tomorrow during their practice.

He punched in the code, taking three tries before he managed to do it correctly thanks to his numb fingers, and entered the building. He waited in front of the elevator, wondering if all his groupmates were back.

He wondered how long he had been out and went to check his phone, but came up empty. He must have forgotten it with someone else. Oh well, he was home now, so it shouldn't matter much.

He glanced at the red LED numbers on the wall, indicating the floor the elevator was on, and finally noticed the 'under maintenance' sign stuck above it. Just his luck, he'd have to climb the stairs.

He pushed his legs and climbed, one foot at a time, just wanting to go sleep in his bed again. At one point, he stopped to take a break, and familiar noises filled his ears. It was his members. 

He walked to the door of their second dorm. Loud voices echoed in the hallway. It seemed like all of them were here. They probably didn't want to climb more floors to where the rest of them, along with Chan, lived, so they ended up gathering here. Chan contemplated joining them, but decided not to. He was too tired to go along with them messing around and didn't want to ruin the happy mood with the clouds that were surrounding him. He went back to the staircase and climbed to where he lived.

The dorm was dark and desolate. A stark contrast to the lively and warm one beneath. 'How fitting,' he thought. He didn't bother turning the lights on. 

He entered his room and laid on the bed in his jacket and the cargo pants he had on. He didn't have the energy to change, and his bed was too comfortable to get up from. 

The buttons on his pants dug into his skin, leaving red impressions. He liked the sting, so he didn't move. 

As his eyes adjusted to the dark, the moonlight from the window lit up his room, giving a spotlight to the wall that was covered in photos.

He had intentionally placed them in such a way that even when the lights in his room were turned off, they would always keep shining. They were all of his golden memories frozen in time. Where he could forever be happy, where he could never encounter a time when he'd consider jumping from a bridge.

He saw the photo with his parents and brother; he was missing a tooth in that one, but he still grinned brightly. Another one was with his school friends- the one he had taken at graduation. It had been so long since he had met them. Maybe he would give them a call later.

His eyes moved on and landed on the photo with the green background. The Melona Prison, as it had been dubbed. It was 17 boys with dopey haircuts and dumb grins. He winced as he saw his own look. What was he thinking when he got that haircut? And, ugh, those pants.

Chan didn't know why he still kept that photo. It symbolised a lot more hurt than it did fondness. But life had been so simple back then, just a straightforward goal with straightforward rules to follow. No having to think thrice about everything he said, no having to look back every time he was out in case he was being followed, no emptiness eating up his chest. They didn't have fans or any money, but they had each other. Sure, there was no love lost between them, and things were always tense, but the joy they shared when they finally debuted could be compared to nothing. Chan couldn't even describe it. 

If he had the opportunity to go back to the past, he wouldn't choose it. All aspects of his life had never been as low as they had been then. He had to live away from his family, fight to earn his position on the team every day, cut back on meals, and give up on all his hobbies. But, if given the opportunity, he wouldn't choose to change it either. That hard time was what had given him the opportunity to be a part of Seventeen. To be Dino.

His eyes flitted over the rest of the photos. They were all various snapshots of him posing at places they had visited, their best concerts, a few with other friends (idols and non-idols), and a few more with other members. He laughed at one of his photos with BSS. It had been a candid shot, so all of them were in their natural personas. Seungkwan pulling a weird face, Seokmin laughing with his eyes closed, and Chan and Hoshi teaming up to tease Seungkwan over something he had done that day.

Another one that caught his eye was a screenshot from a clip that had been cut from one of their GoSe episodes. It had been cut due to them running out of time to keep it, but Chan had insisted on them sending it to him. It wasn't anything special; he had made a joke, Seungkwan had countered him, Vernon had collapsed laughing with all his teeth on display, Jeonghan was conflicted between instigating an argument or stopping it, and all of them were looking at Chan with heart eyes. It had felt so pure that he had impulsively gotten it framed.

He looked at his expression in all of the frames. He was happy in all of them. He turned his face to the mirror and tried to emulate that expression. The face in the mirror didn't look like the one in the photos. Chan sighed and looked away. 

He tried to think of the time when he had felt the same joy and seen it on the members' faces. All the moments he could remember were the ones in which he had been looking in from the sidelines. Even right now, he could imagine them laughing below while he was stewing in his misery alone.

He looked at the photos again and felt nauseous. That feeling he had buried came back to bite him in the ass. He rushed to the restroom, the little food he had eaten coming up his throat.

His throat burned by the time he was done retching. It had been a while since he last threw up. He forgot how awful it felt. The puke was clogging his nose, the stench was making his nausea worse, and his eyes were tearing up as his stomach kept lurching without stopping. 

He stumbled out and back into his room, and he collapsed on the floor by the bed. Suddenly, the comfort his room offered vanished. Instead, everywhere his eyes fell, all he could see were traces of everything he wasn't. Everything he couldn't become. Everything he lost.

The walls felt like they were closing in on him. Soon, he would be squashed between them. The claustrophobia made his stomach lurch again. 

He had to get out of there. 

-12:00 a.m.-

Jeonghan giggled as he walked up the stairs to the dorm he shared with five other people. Soonyoung was behind him, complaining. The other three, Jun, Minghao, and Vernon (here to play games with Soonyoung), followed them both, laughing at Jeonghan teasing the tiger-obsessed man.

His laugh got stuck in his throat when he saw the door to their dorm wide open. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind, none of them good. He debated whether or not to enter the dorm and ultimately waited for the others to reach him first.

One by one, the four approached Jeonghan and looked at him, perplexed as to why he was not entering the dorm.

"The door was open when I got here," Jeonghan explained. 

"Huh?" Soonyoung looked at him in confusion and said, "But how's that possible? Did someone else come up before us?"

"Nope, everyone's down below." Vernon informed them. 

"But the lock is still intact. If someone had broken in, the alarm would've rung," noted Myungho. 

"Oh!" Jun exclaimed, "I forgot to tell you guys! Chan left before us to go for a walk. I guess he came back."

Jeonghan's brows furrowed. "Why would he leave the door open?"

"Maybe he was tired and forgot?"

Jeonghan still felt uneasy, but the others didn't seem to share the concern, so he relented. Chan was in for some serious reprimanding, though. Well, maybe not that serious. Jeonghan knew the 1999-liner hadn't been in the best condition these days. Even during the dinner, he had barely eaten anything. He would just give him a warning this time. 

They walked in, Jun and Myungho going straight to their rooms. Soonyoung and Vernon flopped on the couch, throwing basic etiquette and posture out the window and turning on the TV.

Jeonghan shook his head at them, closing the door behind him, and went to turn on the lights. He dropped his jacket on the counter, along with his keys, and went to the kitchen to get some water.

He'd have to ask the landlord about getting the elevator repaired. Climbing so many flights of stairs after having to practice for five hours every day was enough to drain him of his life force. He couldn't do this aga- Oh. Oh no. 

A string of curses flew from his mouth as he stared at the sight in front of him. A pool of crimson covered the floor of their kitchen. Judging by the iron scent in the air, it was not ketchup.

"Guys! Come here! Quickly!" Jeonghan shouted, the alarm in his voice initiating a thudding of footsteps as everyone entered the kitchen.

"What the fuck?" Vernon summed up all their thoughts.

"Is that... blood?" Jun asked, his wide eyes rivalling the size of anime girls'.

“I think so." Jeonghan nodded, transfixed on the floor.

''Wait, look over at that spot; it's transparent. I think it's not all just blood." Jun deduced.

"Oh yeah, look, there are also pieces of a shattered cup here," Soonyoung said, picking one up.

"Be careful, you don't wanna cut your fingers." Jeonghan immediately warned, then realised, "Maybe that's what happened! Chan came in to drink some water and broke the cup, cutting his hand and causing a mess on the floor!"

"It could be... but that's an awful amount of blood for a cut."

"Let's just ask him instead of trying to be a detective."

"Good idea." Myungho went back to where the rooms were, while Jeonghan asked the others to get him some cleaning supplies.

"Oh my god!" A loud scream came from Soonyoung. Jeonghan hurried to the Spider singer and saw him staring at the main door.

"What's up? Why'd you shout?" 

"Hyung, look over there! The handle!"

The door handle was covered in blood.

"Damn, over there too!" Vernon pointed at the refrigerator, and sure enough, there was another bloody handprint there.

"Okay, what the hell is going on-" 

"There's one on the counter as well," Jun said as he moved Jeonghan's jacket away to reveal some more blood. 

"Guys." Myungho approached them, his face grim. 

Jeonghan looked at him, hoping to see Chan behind him and get some answers to what the bloody blue’s clues meant. But he saw no one. 

"Where's Chan, Myungho?" Jeonghan's voice was weak. 

"I- I don't know. His room door, which he normally keeps locked, was open. I went in to check, and even his bathroom door was open. But no one's in there. Chan isn't here." His voice cracked at the end as his eyes landed on the blood spots all over the place.

Jeonghan rubbed his head, a headache building up. "Soonyoung, go call Seungcheol up, will you?"

Soonyoung nodded and left, hesitating a bit at the door knob but just pulling it open at the end. Jeonghan turned towards the others and pulled his phone out.

"First things first, let's confirm where Chan is. Maybe he never came back in the first place."

"But if it wasn't him..." Jun trailed off. 

Jeonghan didn't need Jun to tell him. It had been his very first thought the second he had seen the open door. But there was still hope. Maybe no one broke in, but rather Chan left to get some snacks and left the door open. Maybe. Please.

"Jun and Myungho, you both go check the entire dorm. Make sure nothing is missing or misplaced. And tell me immediately if there's something new." Jeonghan told them, then turned around. "Vernon, you check the cupboards, windows, and any other places where someone could potentially be hidden. There's a chance that if someone broke in, they are still in here. I will call Chan and then help you out."

Jeonghan unlocked his phone and quickly clicked on the contact labelled 'Aegi'. The dial tone rang once, twice, and finally the call started ringing. The sound of the Doraemon theme song filled their dorm. It was Chan's ringtone. Jeonghan's heart calmed down from the gym routine it had been doing. It was okay. Chan was still here.

Or so he thought. 

Vernon rushed out, his face painted in embarrassment. His hand held Chan's phone. 

"Chan's phone was in my jacket. He forgot it at the restaurant."

Jeonghan's nerves hit him back at full force. Now he had no idea if someone had broken in or not, no idea if they were in danger, and no idea where his youngest dongsaeng was. He cursed the PD who had recruited him.

'Be an idol' , she had told him. 'It's the most relaxing job once you debut' . If he ever saw her again, Jeonghan would impale her with the plastic knife he carried around for luck.

Finally, Soonyoung entered the dorm, Seungcheol in tow. But it didn't end there. A minute later, the entirety of Seventeen was standing in there, minus their maknae. 

Jeonghan slumped on the sofa, his head in his hands. There went his plan to not worry the others. 

"Jeonghan, what happened here? What's with all the blood splotches? Soonyoung mentioned something about Channie?" Seungcheol looked at him intently. Jeonghan just took a deep breath to calm himself. 

Jun, bless his kind heart, stepped in and explained everything they had learned so far.

The others joined Jeonghan on the sofa. 

"What should we do now, Cheol?" Jeonghan looked at their leader, his eyes shining with tears.

"I…" Seunghcheol was at a loss, too. But he hid his despair well. From the others at least. Jeonghan could always see through it, and one look at Joshua confirmed even he was aware. But Seungcheol hadn't given up completely either. 

He asked, "Did you guys check the entire place?" 

"Yeah," Myungho answered this time. "Vernon did the sweep of the living room, and me and Jun covered all the rooms. Nothing was out of place or missing. When we came home, all of the doors were locked, too. Except for the main, Chan's room's, and his washroom's door. We haven't checked the kitchen yet, but from what we've seen, there's nothing amiss there either. Well, ignoring the giant puddle of blood that is." Myungho finished. 

"What puddle?" Seokmin asked, his face showing his confusion. Maybe he thought he misheard. Jeonghan wished he had. 

"See for yourself." 

All of them shuffled to the kitchen, multiple gasps sounding around the room at what looked like a murder crime scene. 

"We need to call the police." Seungkwan quickly removed his phone. 

His plan was thwarted by Seungcheol, "There's no sign of anyone breaking in, and there's nothing stolen. What will we tell them?"

"The literal blood pool in our kitchen?!" 

"They will obviously say Chan was responsible for that." 

"We could report a missing person," Joshua suggested. 

Wonwoo shook his head. "We can't. It hasn't been 24 hours yet." 

"I will call our manager." Mingyu said, and he immediately brought his phone to his ear.

Everyone stared at him, anticipating. 

He moved the phone back in front of him and cursed, "Dammit, he isn't picking up." 

"Keep trying. He will pick up eventually." Jihoon said. 

"And what if he doesn't? We can't just sit around doing nothing while Chan could be bleeding out somewhere!" Seungkwan said, his face red. 

"Calm down, everyone. Mingyu, keep calling our manager. For now, let's just observe the situation and think about what to do next." Seungcheol moved back to the living room. 

"Yeah," Soonyoung agreed. "Let's start with the marks. Look, they all lead to the kitchen."

"Maybe Chan got injured on his walk and came in? Drank some water and-"

"-left again?" Myungho asked, his tone incredulous. 

"Well… yeah." 

"That doesn't make sense." Jeonghan spoke up, "Plus, we would have seen the blood marks outside if he was injured. Why would there be marks inside the dorm?"

"They are handprints. Maybe he just didn't touch anything?" Joshua started the phrase like a statement, but it ended in a questioning tone. 

"No, that still doesn't fit." Wonwoo shook his head. "If he had entered, the blood would be outside the door, not inside. It would make more sense for him to get injured in the kitchen and then leave."

"If he left… how will we find him?" Vernon asked. The question hung in the air, unanswered. 

"Who talked to him last?" Seungcheol asked, trying to find clues for the youngest's location. 

"Jun did," Hoshi supplied. Something about the way he said it did not sit right with Jeonghan. 

Jun nodded, "Yeah... I… I saw him go outside when we were at the restaurant, and I asked him where he was going. He told me he was going for a walk."

"Okay, so that means Chan came back from the walk. And then left again."

"The question is, where could he go?"

"Let's all split up and try to find him. I'll head to the restaurant." Seungcheol stood up, getting the keys to his car out. 

"I'll come along. There are multiple routes there." Joshua stood up, too. 

Jeonghan’s despair deepened at both of them leaving him behind so readily. The two people he could rely on to keep him from breaking down were simply walking away. Jeonghan wanted to ask them to stay with him, but he understood Chan came first. Finding their maknae was more important right now. He understood that. Yet he could not bring himself to respond affirmatively to their glance at him, either. Thankfully, there was no tense silence as someone else filled it.

"Me too." Mingyu stumbled up and joined them. 

"There's a cafe that I and Chan visited a few times." Seungkwan started, his eyes staring at the air as he went deep into his thoughts. "He liked the coffee there. I'll go check that place." He also moved to leave. 

Wonwoo stopped him. "Wait, we shouldn't go anywhere alone. I'll come with you."

"One of us should also stay here," Jihoon pointed out, "and one should stay at the other dorm, just in case Chan decides to come back."

"Jeonghan-hyung, you stay here.” Vernon told him. Jeonghan nodded, slightly thankful knowing he wouldn’t have the energy to move as is. Vernon continued, “I'll go below. And everyone, make sure to take your phones with you!" He reminded everyone and got up to leave as well. 

"Me and Jihoon will check out the dance studio and the recording studio." Seokmin said, and Jihoon nodded. 

Eight of them moved out the door, loud footsteps sounding outside as they left. 

Jeonghan looked around. It was just Myungho, Jun, and Hoshi in the living room besides him. The original ones who lived here with Chan. 

The silence among them was broken by Soonyoung, who looked at Jun pointedly and said, "Hyung, why didn't you stop Channie?"

"Soonyoung," warned Jeonghan. The last thing they needed was a fight, and he had seen how Soonyoung looked at Jun when Seungcheol asked who met Chan last. The dancer's temper would just make everything worse. 

Soonyoung paid Jeonghan no heed. "We all knew Chan hadn't been doing well. You knew that too. So, why didn't you stop him, Jun?"

"Soonyoung!" Jeonghan raised his voice this time. 

"I tried to-" Jun stuttered, but Soonyoung interrupted him. 

"You tried to? Did you, Hyung? ‘Cause If you actually had, we could have avoided all of this!"

Myungho, having had enough, defended Jun. "Soonyoung-hyung, don't blame Junnie-hyung! It wasn't his fault. Out of all of us, he was the only one who even noticed Chan left. If he hadn't, we wouldn't even have known all that we do right now!"

"Myungho, don't get mad, too. And you, Soonyoung. Apologize." Jeonghan's voice had gone deadly calm, and it made Soonyoung gulp. It was not often that Jeonghan got angry. But there were some rare times when the members pushed his buttons enough. And after worrying for so long, Jeonghan finally snapped. 

Unfortunately for him, it seemed Soonyoung did too. "Why should I apologize? It's not me who messed up! I'm leaving." He walked out of the already open door, tugging on his shoes. 

"Soonyoung!" Jeonghan called out behind him, but it fell on deaf ears. 

The door slammed as the dancer left. Jun had been standing there while they all spoke. As the door slammed, he turned around and left in the other direction, locking himself into his room.

Myungho looked at Jun, then at Jeonghan, his face confused and helpless.

Jeonghan motioned for him to go after Jun. Jeonghan could manage alone. And for Soonyoung, as hot headed as he was, he was also smart. He wouldn't wander around aimlessly, and he was probably looking for Chan. He'd come back on his own after he had calmed down. 

Jeonghan knew all that, but he still worried. 

Everything was falling apart, and he could do nothing but watch. He hoped Chan was alright, wherever he was. He just wanted all 13 of them to be together again.

He stood up. There was no point in sitting around worrying. He went to the kitchen, getting a rag and some gloves to wipe the blood and the broken glass. As he picked up a piece, his heart broke at the name 'Dino' engraved on the shard. He kept that piece aside and went on to clean up the rest. 

He finished with the floor and moved on to the blood marks on the other places. He wiped the counter and the refrigerator, having a little trouble but managing. 

As he was wiping the knob, the door slammed open, hitting Jeonghan straight in the nose and pushing him to the floor.

He groaned as his nose felt like it had been hit by a 10 ton hammer. His hands immediately pressed against his face. Thankfully, there wasn’t a lot of blood, but he could feel a bruise growing there. 

He looked up through his teary eyes, ready to rage at whoever stood there. But as he looked upon Soonyoung's ashen face, all the anger left his body.

He was standing there, tears streaming down his face and his lower lips quivering.

"H-hyung! I- I don't know what to do. Channie- there's more blood- Hyung, what should I do?" Hoshi clutched Jeonghan's shirt, shaking like a leaf. 

Jeonghan's hands left his own face, cradling Soonyoung's cheeks. That's when he saw the red that painted the younger man's hands. Blood. 

Jeonghan looked him up and down, trying to see where he had gotten hurt, his own injury flying out of his head. When he found no wound, he looked at Soonyoung once again. 

"Soonyoung-ie, shh. It's okay. Everything is okay."

Soonyoung seemed to have noticed Jeonghan's hurt nose as he stared at it in horror. "Hyung, your nose! Its-its all red and big! Did I do that?"

He looked on the verge of a breakdown, so Jeonghan decided not to tell him just yet. He instead shushed him, successfully calming him down.

Then he finally asked, "Tell Hyung what happened. Why are you covered in blood?"

Soonyoung took a deep breath, then began, "I went to the rooftop and when I held the railing, I felt something sticky. I looked to see why, and it was a big blood splotch, similar to the one on the door knob."

"And it was on the roof?"

"Yeah. Me and Chan always went there to take a break. So I thought maybe he'd be there. And I also wanted to clear my head. But- but-" he started shaking again.

Jeonghan didn't know what to do. He wished Seungcheol had stayed behind. He always knew what to do in these situations. Jeonghan didn't have the heart to bear this. He just felt like joining Soonyoung on the floor and crying. But he couldn't, so instead he tried assuring himself. Chan wouldn't leave everything just like that. He had to be fine. 

As serious as Soonyoung was, there was still a reason he was part of BSS. He had drama in his veins. There was a good chance he had misunderstood everything.

Of course, there was the blood on his hands and in the kitchen that wasn't helping Jeonghan in his endeavour to be optimistic. But he had to believe Chan was fine. Otherwise, he'd stop functioning.

"Soonyoung, are you sure you checked the whole roof?"

Soonyoung slowly stopped crying, thinking deeply. "There's...there was one place I didn't check. Me and Channie used to hide out there to eat snacks sometimes. He- he could be there."

Jeonghan finally felt hope again. But he didn't let it linger. Nothing was confirmed, and he couldn't take it if that hope was crushed again. 

He nodded to Soonyoung, trying to reassure him. "Okay. That's something. We'll go check, okay? I'm sure he is there. Let's go."

He called out to Myungho that he was going to the roof with Soonyoung to check it out. An "Okay!" came from the passage to the rooms. The two of them headed for the roof. 

They stepped through the threshold of the terrace, and the wind made Jeonghan stumble. His nose and head throbbed, and he started having trouble breathing. The cold air did not help his case. But he couldn't go back down without confirming that there wasn't anyone here. 

Soonyoung pointed Jeonghan in the direction opposite the railing, "The place is over there. It's like a tarp/tent thing."

Soonyoung walked ahead and led them towards the water tank. Jeonghan's patience was dropping incredibly fast, as even though they were two steps away from it, Jeonghan could not see any tents that could contain two grown-up human beings. 

But he ate his words as they stepped around the tank, and sure enough, the tarp was there, covering a small space the size of their bathroom and flapping around in the wind. It was covered in a black fabric from the sides, while the top remained transparent, making it impossible to view inside from where they stood. 

It was the moment of truth. Jeonghan slowly lifted the tarp. His heart stopped at what he saw.

Chan, lying there with the dim light of the moon giving him a soft glow, curled up and shivering.

Jeonghan stared at him, stupefied. Hot tears dripped from his eyes. Chan was okay. His dear brother was fine. He didn't need to worry anymore. They were still thirteen. 

Soonyoung joined Jeonghan in crying, his nose dripping and a toothy smile on his face. Jeonghan knew his own face was a similar sight.

After a while, they stopped weeping, shared a look, nodded, and entered the small area. They barely managed to go inside the cramped space without crushing Chan under their feet. Chan's face looked ethereal underneath the moon. 

Jeonghan felt water dripping onto the back of his hands and realized he had started crying again. He sniffed loudly and called out, "Chan! Channie! Wake up, it's Jeonghanie-hyung and Soonyoungie-hyung!" Jeonghan shook the boy's shoulders, just to get no response.

"Why... why isn't he waking up?" Soonyoung asked, staring intently at the boy who lay there unaware, his voice wavering. 

Jeonghan didn't answer. He didn't know, and he was scared to speculate. 

"Let's first take him back to the dorm." He decided. 

Jeonghan manoeuvred and managed to get to the other side of the tent, the low moonlight not helping him at all and rendering him blind as a bat.

He tried picking up Chan's limp hands to rest them on his chest so they could carry him out of the tent. But as soon as he touched his hands, he jolted away. They were ice cold. Jeonghan removed his jacket, hissing at the cold, and covered the youngest with it. 

He picked Chan up from below his shoulders, supporting the head with his chest, while Soonyoung picked up the legs. 

They moved very slowly, but Jeonghan didn't mind. They had found Chan. Now the world could end, and Jeonghan would still be at peace.

They finally reached the door to the roof. Now, they'd have to climb down the stairs. Soonyoung volunteered to go down backwards, saying something about his spatial awareness being better than Jeonghan's. Jeonghan didn't catch everything he said, but he didn't care. 

He was feeling woozy, his head felt like it would roll off his shoulders, and his legs needed all his willpower to move. If there was anything to be done with caution, even a five-year-old would be better suited to do it than Jeonghan. All he wanted to do right now was collapse into bed with his aegi and never wake up.

As Jeonghan fantasized about taking a long, long break, they reached their floor. Jeonghan thanked himself as he noticed he had left the door open. They both shuffled in and carefully rested Chan on the couch. Jeonghan told Soonyoung to wait with Chan as he went to get Jun and Myungho.

He approached Myungho, who was still whispering things while leaning onto the door of Jun's room, still trying to coax the Limbo singer to come out. 

He looked at Jeonghan, his eyes glossy, and moved aside. There was hope in his eyes that his Hyung would manage to console Jun. 

Jeonghan didn't disappoint.

He stood at the spot where Myungho was a few moments ago and leaned towards the door to speak. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Myungho's eyes widen at the state of his face, but he waved him off. There were more important things right now.

He knocked on the still locked door of Jun's room and spoke softly, "Junnie, it's me, Jeonghan. You might want to come out now."

There was no reply. Oh well, Jeonghan had something even better up his sleeve to get the fourth oldest out of his room.

"We found Chan, Jun."

Myungho stared at him with a wondrous expression, asking for confirmation if what he said was true. At the same time, Jun's door opened without warning, making Jeonghan almost faceplant on the wooden floor.

"Please tell me you are not lying," Jun begged. 

His face and weak voice shattered Jeonghan's already broken heart to even tinier pieces. His eyes were bloodshot, and the skin around them was rubbed raw. His voice was hoarse, and his lips were bleeding due to his nervous habit of chewing on them. Jeonghan knew if he checked his hands, his cuticles would be picked at and bloody, too.

"I'm not lying. He's on the couch in the living room with Soonyoung."

They both rushed past him at a speed that could rival even The Flash. Jeonghan followed them, walking a bit slower as he was trying not to fall down with each step, the sting in his face and the throbbing in his head combining in a cursed surge of pain. 

Just before he stepped into the living room, he heard Soonyoung's voice. He stopped and listened. Normally, Jeonghan wasn't the type to eavesdrop, but he felt the three needed their privacy. Yet he didn't feel comfortable leaving them fully unsupervised either. So he leaned to the edge of the passage, trying to hear the words without giving away his presence. 

"Jun-hyung…I know whatever I say right now won't make up for what I said before, but I still want you to know. I'm really, really sorry. And Myungho, I'm sorry to you, too. I shouldn't have said all that."

Jeonghan smiled. He knew Soonyoung would come around. As rash as he could be, he was the softest of all of them too. He couldn't stay mad at any of them, and vice versa. 

Jeonghan could hear the relief in Jun's voice as he said, "It's okay, Soonyoung. I'm not mad at you, never was. I know you were just worried."

"Still, it wasn't right."

"It's okay. You apologized. That's enough for me."

As the conversation ended, Jeonghan stepped out and joined them, where all three of them were kneeling on the floor in front of the couch.

Jeonghan took off his jacket from Chan's body, and three sharp inhales of breath sounded around him. He barely resisted his urge to look away and puke. They had successfully discovered the root of the blood puddle on their floor.

Chan's palms looked like a mosaic of red and white, not a patch of his epidermis visible. The entire span of his palm was covered in glass shards stuck deep in his skin. Jeonghan looked at the other hand, and sure enough, it was the same.

"There's also blood on his knees," Myungho said, and he got to work trying to fold up the pants legs without worsening the wounds. Jun joined him, and they both got the pants legs up. Thankfully, his knees seemed to have been shielded by the thick material, as they were in much better condition than his hands.

Jeonghan did a quick once over to see if they were missing any other injuries and let out a breath of relief as there were none.

He stood up. There wasn't any time to waste. The longer he sat around, the more pain Chan would have to suffer through. 

He started giving out tasks again. 

"Myungho, you go and call up Vernon. Tell him we found Channie. Soonyoung and Jun, you both call and inform the members. I will get the med kit and deal with… this."

They all listened without wasting a second. Jeonghan rushed along with them, going to the closest bathroom and rummaging through the cupboard. He pushed aside the weighing scale, and was that DK's perfume that he had been searching for? Nevermind, there were other priorities right now. He cheered softly as he finally found the med kit he was looking for and rushed back out.

He kneeled beside the couch and started to clean Chan's right palm. A lot of the blood had dried around the pieces still embedded in the pale skin, but it probably hadn't been that long since Jeonghan still managed to clean it. After getting off all the blood he could, he finally got out the tweezers. He wiped them with rubbing alcohol and then started pulling out the white pieces slowly and steadily. He tried to minimize the pain the best he could, but he knew it probably stung. Yet the maknae didn't stir from his slumber.

Jeonghan finished getting out the big pieces and tried to find all the small ones. They would probably have to visit a doctor just in case, but Jeonghan wanted to make sure there was nothing left in the dancer's hands.

As he was pouring over them like a crazed palm reader, Vernon came in with Myungho in tow. He crashed down beside Jeonghan and started tearing up.

The other two finished up their calls and joined them. Jeonghan passed them the med kit, and they started working on Chan's other hand and both knees.

What felt like a few minutes passed, and the bell rang. Soonyoung opened the door, and Seokmin and Jihoon ran in. Jeonghan finished bandaging the hand he was working on and taped it up. 

The second he looked up, Seokmin and Jihoon bombarded him with questions, and he barely got them to calm down. He started to explain what took place, but the bell rang again. Seungcheol, Joshua, and Mingyu entered.

All of them were crowded around the couch Chan was lying on, like they were conducting some holy ritual. The five of them were now interrogating Jeonghan. What happened to his nose? Where did they find Chan? Why were they currently playing doctors?

Vernon, pitying the second eldest, suggested, "Let's just wait for Seungkwan and Wonwoo to get back. That way, we can tell everyone everything at once. Maybe Chan will wake up by then, too."

"Oh yeah, why hasn't he woken up yet?"

"We don't know."

The 10 of them sat in silence, 2 working on the knees as both hands laid bandaged on Chan's chest. Jeonghan's lips twitched a little at the sight of him lying on the couch like an Egyptian mummy. He debated whether or not to take a photo. His evil side won, and he quickly snapped a picture, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible while doing it. It didn't work as well as he thought it would, as Joshua shook his head at him. (Later, Jeonghan would get a text to send the Sunday Morning fanatic the photo.)

As Jeonghan locked his phone, the bell rang for the third time that night, and in came Seungkwan and Wonwoo. Both, like the two groups before, rushed to Chan's side, teared up, and asked what happened.

Jeonghan started recalling the whole story to them, Soonyoung and Jun filling in at the places he had to stop to take a breath. While they spoke, he also asked Myungho to take a look at Jun's fingers, which, as he had predicted, were bleeding. 

Halfway through the narration, Soonyoung approached Jeonghan and applied some ointment to his nose, also getting him an ice pack. He seemed to have understood the cause of the injury and apologized to Jeonghan, who forgave him without a second thought.

After they were done recounting everything, all of them sat there. No words were spoken at all as 12 pairs of eyes stared at Chan. 

"You said he had no other injuries, right?" Seungcheol asked. 

"Not that we are aware of, no," Soonyoung replied.

"Then does he have a head injury we can't see? Why else would he be passed out?" 

"We don't know. We just found him lying on the roof."

"Is he… '' Jihoon trailed off, not wanting to complete the sentence. 

"No. He is fine." Jeonghan said. His voice was muffled behind the ice pack, but his tone was firm, making sure no one could argue with him otherwise. 

Vernon spoke in his support, "He has a pulse. His breathing is steady, too. Almost like he is... asleep."

The twelve of them stared at the youngest, slack jawed. If it turned out he was just asleep while they were going crazy over him, Jeonghan would murder him.

Seokmin asks, "So he is just... sleeping?"

"We… don't know."

"Well, before we head to a hospital, let's check if he is actually asleep or not," Mingyu suggested. All of them agreed unanimously. 

Wonwoo, having thought of a solution, got up and headed to the kitchen. Jeonghan opened his mouth to warn him of the glass shards before remembering he had already cleaned it up and stopped. He got some questioning stares, but he shook them off. From the looks he got after, though, it seemed they would be forcing Jeonghan to get checked up later with Chan, too. He just sighed. 

Wonwoo walked back out with a glass full of water in his hand. Jeonghan realized what his intention was and smacked himself inside his head. The solution was so simple! Why didn't he think of it?

The others seemed to have caught on as well, as they shuffled to the side, giving Wonwoo space to stand beside Chan's face. 

He tilted the glass, cupping the few drops of water in his hand and splashing them on the dancer's face. 

He stirred, and then, sure enough, Chan's eyes fluttered open. 

-10:30 p.m.-

Chan barely managed to crawl out of his room. He stood up and stumbled to the kitchen, fumbling for a glass to drink water. His hands instead found a cup that Myungho had gifted all of them. It was a part of a tea set he had gotten from China. The bottom of all the cups had their name carved in. Chan filled it with water and drank it. The cool liquid washed down the foul taste of bile in his mouth.

He tried to fill it with water again, but he spilled it outside. His numb fingers weren't helping his case much either. He tried once again, but this time, the cup slipped from his finger, shattering immediately on impact. It never stood a chance against their hardwood flooring. 

Chan took a shuddering breath. That cup was one of the things that was a sign he was a part of Seventeen, like the ring he wore. And he broke it.

He kneeled and tried to pick up the pieces. Maybe he could put it together; glue was a very useful miracle of the modern world after all. He picked up three of the big ones, then cut his hand and dropped all of them. The blood gushed out of his hand. Chan knew that it couldn't be bad enough to get stitches, but the amount of blood scared him. It kept flowing out and dripping onto the floor, painting the white shards red. He tried to pick up a few with his other hand but ended up slicing it, too.

Chan gave up on cleaning up and instead decided to take care of the bleeding first. He stood up, but his feet slipped on the mixture of water and blood on the floor, and he fell forward, barely managing to catch himself on his hands. He bit his lip at the pain of all the shards piercing his palms and knees. 

Shit. It hurt so bad. Chan's eyes stung and dripped tears, but he couldn't even wipe them. He brought his hand up and stared in horror as it was decorated with the small white pieces of glass embedded in his skin. Blood trailed from his hands and knees and joined the growing pool on the floor.

Chan wished the ground would open up and swallow him. Then he'd be free of everything. 

He slowly stood up, wincing at the pain in his knees, and bumped his head on the counter on the way up. The darkness made it impossible for him to find where exactly the shards were. There was a possibility they were spread throughout the kitchen. He couldn't reach the sink without impaling the soles of his feet, so he instead slid his feet to the living room, trying to minimise stepping on stray pieces of glass. He wanted to grab the wall for support, but he couldn't even move his fingers. He just ended up pressing the back of his palm on the counter.

He slowly walked towards the main door. He couldn't stay here. He needed to get out. His breathing was getting harder and harder the longer he stayed in the darkness of their home. He knew the perfect place for an escape.

He accidentally slipped and ended up pressing his palm on the refrigerator for support. A silent scream made its way out of his throat.

Chan sped up. He had to leave. He had to leave now. He managed to somehow open the knob, probably painting it in blood, but he couldn't bother to care about that. He just had to get out of here.

The second the door opened, he rushed towards the staircase. His knees screamed in protest as he made his way up, but he had to get there.

Soon, he reached the roof. He walked out there and took a deep breath. The wind blew the hair out of his face, and his jacket flapped around him. The cold once again sank into his skin, numbing his hands and making him forget about the pain.

He made his way to the edge. The Seoul skyline sparkled in front of him. His breaths calmed at the view. The feeling of suffocation left his chest, leaving behind just the hole. 

His knees went slack, and he supported himself on the railing. A big mistake. The pain shot up his arms, making him scream. The sound was whisked away with the wind, leaving him reeling in pain. Trying to steady himself again, he made the mistake of looking down.

The height made the cars driving below smaller than the size of his fingernail. If he fell, not a single bone in his body would remain intact.

A feeling of deja vu from the river washed over him. He turned away from the edge. He knew what would happen if he lingered there longer.

He headed back to the original place he had in mind. It was this little niche all the way around the back of the roof. It was hidden behind the tank, so no one ever came there. 

When they first moved there, Chan and Soonyoung had discovered it. It was the perfect hideout. They had thought about mentioning it to their members but hadn't gotten the chance, and it had just become a secret place for only the two of them. The rendez-roof, Chan remembered joking. 

Over time, they made it cosier. They bought a transparent tarp and hung it over the place, sparing them from rain and snow but also giving them a clear view of the sky. The sides were draped with two of their old grey bedsheets that matched the concrete of the roof, serving as camouflage while providing privacy from prying eyes. Inside, there was a carpet, books, and a music box set up. They hadn't kept too much there, just in case someone else found it. But if they came up there, they would have plenty to do.

Chan crawled in, pushing the tarp aside with his face since he didn't want to mar it with his blood. He made it inside and laid on his back. He spread his arms, palms facing up. He turned his head, and the rough fabric dug into his cheek. The carpet had become dirty due to a lack of cleaning for quite some time. The blood seeping from his hands onto the carpet was barely visible. 

He looked away and stared at the dark sky, trying to spot stars. He remembered a few constellations and stars he had learned about when they were on tour and had gone stargazing. It was their first world tour. He knew his eyes back then were probably brighter than all the stars in the sky, full of excitement.

Now, they had gone dull. All that was left was a sheen of tears glossed over them.

He spotted a single star in the sky, barely visible. 

He recalled reading how some stars were so far away that it took eons for their light to reach Earth. And due to that, even after the stars died, they could still see their afterimage in the sky. Because its light was still there, like an empty shell.

Chan wondered if the star he was staring at still existed or if he was just looking at a ghost of what once used to be but was no more.

Chan hoped it was still there. After burning for so long to reach here, if it died before Chan had found it, what would even be the point of its existence? Just a symbol of how some things that seem to exist aren't really there at all. They are just a shadow, a façade. And it was only a matter of time before they went out, too.

A cloud covered up the star, leaving Chan in the darkness again. But this time, it was comforting. This time, there were no walls confining him. This time, he could finally rest.

The pain in his hands and knees faded to a dull throb, and his tears dried up. Chan just laid there, staring at the sky as the edges of his vision darkened and everything was engulfed in black. 

-12:45 a.m.-

Chan blinked, his eyesight blurry due to the tears he had shed. He brought his hands to rub his eyes but stopped at the sharp pain.

"Careful. We bandaged them, but they aren't fully healed yet." A soft voice chided him from beside him. It was so familiar, but he couldn't place who it was.

He squinted as his eyes adjusted to the bright lights and the fog cleared up. His hands were, as the voice had said, wrapped in white strips of gauze. There were a few red spots in places, giving them the look of a red-spotted Dalmatian mummy.

He looked at what he was lying on and found the grey fabric of a couch. There was a stain on the side of his legs. A memory sprouted up of Jihoon spilling his coffee on it when they had newly bought it. But no one had wanted to risk scolding him and facing the repercussions, so they had just tried their best to wash it off. 

Wait.

That was his couch, the one he had in his home. The one he had fallen asleep on countless times, and Jeonghan-hyung had covered him up with a blanket. 

Jeonghan-hyung. 

That was the voice he heard. 

Dino turned his head towards where the voice had come from and saw the smiling face of Jeonghan. His nose and the area under his eyes were swollen, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked like he had aged 20 years. But it was still his Jeonghanie-hyung. 

Chan didn't understand. He was sure he had been in the tent on the roof last. How was he back at the dorm? He panicked slightly at the possibility of sleepwalking, but another voice, catching onto his confusion, calmed him down.

"Jeonghan-hyung and Soonyoung-hyung found you on the roof and brought you back," Seungkwan said, looking like he was on the verge of crying. "You gave all of us quite a scare there, Chan-ah."

'All of us?'

Chan looked around, and sure enough, the entirety of Seventeen was present there.

His breath picked up, and he remembered why he had visited the roof in the first place. He messed up big this time. He made his Hyungs worry. He made them cry. There was no trash worse than Chan on this planet. He was the worst. He shouldn't have walked away from that ledge. He shouldn't have-

"Hey, hey, calm down. You're safe, okay? We are all here with you now. You're safe, Channie."

The voice was garbled. Chan couldn't understand who spoke. It was like he was underwater, slowly drowning while the world around him distorted. He looked down at his hands again. He clamped his eyes shut, hoping that when he opened them, they'd all go away. He didn't want to talk to them. He didn't want to see them disappointed and hurt. He couldn't. He'd break if he saw that.

He opened his eyes, and his hands were shaking. He missed the numbness of the cold. At least that way, he wouldn't have to deal with the pain. He wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

A warm hand rested on his shoulder. He broke.

Tears spilled from his eyes. A jumble of words spilled from his mouth.

"I-I'm sorry. I won't- didn't mean to. Just- Sorry- Was tired. I'm sorry. Please."

More voices sounded. Chan didn't catch a word. He seemed to have gone deeper underwater. His head felt light and floaty.

A punch pulled him out of his thoughts. His shoulder throbbed where he had been hit. He stared, misty-eyed and in disbelief, at the boy who stood in front of him. 

"You, Lee Chan, are an idiot!" Vernon informed him. His brows were furrowed in anger, while his eyes shone with unshed tears. Although looking at the tear tracks on his cheeks, maybe they weren't unshed. 

Chan continued staring at him, his words abandoning him the one time he needed them. 

Surprisingly, it was Seokmin who spoke next. 

"Vernon, you should not have done that," Seokmin berated, then turned to Chan. "But, Chan, you deserved it. Hell, I might just need to punch you again. Why did you think going to a desolate roof was the solution when we were there just a few floors below?" Seokmin was trying to talk in an angrier tone, but by the end, his face was lined with tears and his voice was airy. "We got so worried!"

A mumbled sorry escaped from Chan's lips again. It seemed to be the only word he could speak.

"Quit apologising. We aren't mad. Like Seokmin said, we were just worried, Channie." 

"I'm-" He caught himself apologising again and rephrased, "I didn't mean to vanish. I was gonna come back. But I was just tired. So tired." He looked down, playing with a stray string on his hoodie. "The dorm felt so suffocating, I just had to get out. I didn't mean to make you guys worry. Or make you cry." Chan whispered the last part, but everyone heard it.

Chan looked up again. His eyes fell on the 12 men before him. Jeonghan was sitting closest to him, followed by Joshua, Mingyu, Seokmin, and Seungkwan. All of them were teary-eyed. Jeonghan was holding an ice pack to his nose. Chan looked at him in concern, but Jeonghan just smiled and mouthed later.

His eyes wandered ahead. Vernon was there, his eyebrows still furrowed. Wonwoo and Jihoon sat beside him, looking tired but relieved. Wonwoo held an empty glass in his hands. Chan figured he must've been the one to wake him. 

His gaze fell on Soonyoung, who waved at him in reply. Chan's eyes widened at the blood on his hands. 

"Oh, don't worry, it's not mine," Soonyoung tried to reassure. He failed at it miserably.

Chan, now afraid of exactly what had gone down in his absence, looked away from Soonyoung. His eyes landed on Jun, and he felt like a million shards of glass had impaled his heart. 

Jun's eyes were rimmed red. He looked like he had gone through a breakdown worse than Chan. Myungho was by his side, holding him up. It hurt to see his Jun-hyung in such bad shape, knowing no one was to blame but him. And seeing Myungho reminded him of the cup. Of how he broke the one thing connecting him to the group. 

Jeonghan seemed to have caught on to his thought process as he said, "Don't start blaming yourself about anything, okay? All of us are just happy to see you safe."

"Yeah, just make sure to talk to us. And tell us before any nighttime incursions to strange places next time. Or we might go ahead and put that baby tracker on you after all." Joshua teased. 

Chan hoped it was just teasing; he could never be sure with his older Hyungs. Nonetheless, a smile did spread on his features, and this time he didn't have to force it to look natural. 

Then came the biggest hurdle of the night. Seungcheol-hyung. 

All of his members were soft-hearted or easy to please. He knew he'd get away with things easily if he messed with them. But Seungcheol was an exception. He was very caring, of course, but having to become a leader and be responsible for 12 other chaotic men had made him more stern. More intimidating. He wondered if he should've made the will he was considering making after all. He wasn't getting out of this alive.

Chan slowly looked at Seungcheol.

One look, and he was already scared. Seungcheol's face was blank; no emotion escaping him. Yet his eyes were filled with fury. But it wasn't only fury in them.

His forearm veins bulged on the arms that rested crossed on his chest. Chan remembered all the times he had gotten a headlock from those arms. How did he still have his head?

He peeled his eyes away from his arms and stared at the ground again. No point in aggravating him more by appearing insulting through eye contact.

Seungcheol asked, "So, what do you have to say?"

Jeonghan tried to save Chan some trouble, "Cheol, he is-"

"No, I want to hear it from him." Welp, so much for that. He was still thankful to Jeonghan for trying, though. 

"I am sorry, Hyung-" Chan began, but was interrupted by Seungcheol.

"Look at me and talk. I'm up here." 

Damn, why was he so scary? Chan had lived with him for so long, yet he was still intimidated. He looked up and glanced at those brown eyes that stared back at him. Chan was never good at reading people and their expressions, so what the look in Seungcheol's eyes meant might as well have been written in Greek.

He continued speaking, looking at Seungcheol now, "I shouldn't have caused that mess-"

“That is the last thing we care about, Chan. We can buy tons of cups and clean the floor again, but we can't get you back. So don't worry about that.'' Myungho smiled at him.

Dino gave him what he hoped was a thankful smile, his shoulders shaking. Then he continued, "I also shouldn't have gone away without telling any of you. Jun-hyung told me to stay, but I didn't listen. I wandered off on my own, and then instead of returning like I said I would, I went to the roof. I should've texted you guys or something. But I even left my phone behind."

"Yeah, that was wrong. And there will be consequences to that, mind you."

Chan nodded. He was ready to accept them, whatever they were. He deserved whatever they'd dish out. He did make his Hyungs cry out of worry; after all, he was currently the worst person on the planet. 

"Ready to hear them?"

"Yes, Hyung"

"First, you will cater to whatever task we give you in the next two weeks. All 12 of us."

Chan looked at him, puzzled.

"Second, you will go out with all of us one on one and buy us dinner."

Speechless, Chan just stared at him. He was expecting to be exempt from practices and recordings or from their performance or something. This felt more like a GoSe punishment.

"That’s all. Would anyone like to add anything more?"

"Oh me!" Soonyoung raised his bloody hand. 

Chan winced at the sight, wondering if he had punched Jeonghan-hyung. But there wasn't any blood- oh. Chan realised where the blood was from. Seungkwan had mentioned he and Jeonghan were the ones to get him. And Chan couldn't see anything right now, but he knew he had caused quite a mess before he left. He made a mental note to be nicer to his hyungs. 

For now, he just braced himself for what Soonyoung would add on. The dance leader was brutal when he wanted to be. Chan knew that from personal experience. So he knew this wouldn't be good.

"Go ahead," Seungcheol nodded to Soonyoung.

"Third, Chan has to let us call him names without refuting throughout our dinners. And he has to talk to us and answer truthfully to whatever we ask."

Chan's eyes were clouded by tears. He really didn't deserve his Hyungs.

"Okay, so we are finalising these three- Well, technically four since Soonyoung gave two things. Any objections, Chan?"

Chan looked at all of them. Everyone sported a soft smile. It made the cold, empty feeling in his chest warm up and close. 

Chan spoke. "I have an additional statement to add."

Seungcheol looked at his tears in concern but told him to go on.

"I get to hug all of you whenever I feel like it."

Jihoon sighed, but there was a smile on his face. He said in a nagging voice, "You don't need a rule for that, dumbass."

The first to hug him was Jun. Chan started to cry as soon as his arms wrapped around him. Then Seungkwan hugged him, followed by Jeonghan and Soonyoung. Soon everyone was piled on in this huge cuddle pile on the floor, but no one seemed to want to budge. Tears were streaming down his face, but Dino had never felt like he belonged more than he did right now. 

After a moment, Vernon asked him, "I'm glad to have you back and all, Chan, but why were you on the rooftop in the first place? I mean, you literally stumbled up there, bloody and wounded. You could've just come to your room instead of passing out there."

Finally, someone asked the million dollar question Chan was dreading. He saw all of them staring at him, questions in their eyes. 

"You don't have to tell us if you don't want to. We won't force you," assured Jun.

Chan sniffled and cleared his throat before speaking, "No, I owe you guys an explanation. Plus, I think it might be better if I get it out." 

12 pairs of eyes looked at him with intense focus. Chan had given speeches before crowds of thousands, yet never had it seemed like a more daunting task than it did now. It was times like these when it really sank in that they were a big group. 

He took a deep breath. Someone held his shoulder as encouragement, but Chan didn't see who. He closed his eyes, trying to take the edge off the pressure he felt.

He started recounting the very start of when he had begun to feel like he did, describing his emotions and tiredness. He described how he went to the bridge and why he returned. He described feeling confined in the dorm and therefore heading to the roof. He described the comfort of being alone and free. He described everything, and everyone listened without a single interruption.

"I honestly don't know why it got so extreme. I can normally deal with slumps. I've had slumps before. I don’t know what's different this time," Chan sighed, his frustration apparent.

"Channie,” Joshua slipped his fingers between Chan’s lightly, trying not to hurt him more and said, “don't take this the wrong way. But I don't think this is 'just a slump’." 

“Yeah, me too,” Wonwoo agreed, looking directly into his eyes. A bead of sweat ran down his neck. Chan knew exactly what he was going to say. It was something he had been in denial of. But it seemed reality finally caught up to him. 

“Chan, you might be depressed.”

There were no words spoken as the statement was declared. It seemed that even the air around them was holding it’s breath. Chan knew they were expecting him to say something, but he didn’t. He simply didn’t have anything left to say. It was all already out there.

Seungkwan broke the silence. “I know this therapist who's pretty good. A few of my friends have recommended her. If you want, I could get her number, and we can get you an appointment.”  

Chan thought about it. Getting to talk about everything freely was a tempting offer. Plus, Chan would take any help he could get. He didn't want to be the cause of his Hyungs tears again. He didn't want to be the cause of his own tears again. He wanted to be better. 

He wanted to be able to walk on bridges and not think about drowning. 

He wanted to go to roofs and not think about jumping. 

He wanted to look at the sky and just be able to appreciate its beauty, rather than thinking about façades. 

Most of all, he wanted to hear his members' laughter and be able to join in without second thoughts. 

Chan wanted to feel okay again.

He replied to Seungkwan, "I'd like that."

Then he addressed everyone, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty comfy here. And I don't think I have the energy to move. So, what do you guys say about a sleepover?"

"A sleepover sounds great!"

"I’m in."

"Me too."

Agreements sounded from all around the room. 

"Oh, we can play the game that me and Vernon were originally gonna!” Soonyoung suggested excitedly

“Hyung,” Chan said, “maybe go take a shower first.”

“Oh.” Soonyoung stared at his hands. “Yeah. I'll do that. But after that, we're playing!”

“Well, I'm dead tired, so I'm crashing.” Jeonghan plopped beside Chan on the couch, making himself comfortable and closing his eyes. 

Concern about his nose ran through Chan’s mind, but he didn’t say anything as no doctor would be available at this hour. And there was the fact that Jeonghan seemed too comfortable to disturb, as he snuggled by Chan’s side and closed his eyes. Chan knew his worrying tendencies and knew the second oldest had probably driven himself crazy, so as a silent apology, he let him rest.

"I second that," said Jihoon. He didn't join them on the couch, though, opting for the extra mattress they had in the storage for guests.

The others started dispersing, some going to get snacks or movies, while others went below to change into comfier clothes.

The sounds of shuffling and light murmuring were disturbed by the loud doorbell.

Seokmin opened the door, and in rushed their manager. He was clad in pikachu pyjama pants and brandishing a baton, his hair looking like a rat lived in there.

Chan couldn't help but start laughing loudly. One by one, everyone else joined him. He saw Jeonghan take a photo and told him to send it to their group chat. It would make for good blackmail.

Their manager looked around alertly a few times, then frowned. "I saw your 25 missed calls and came rushing, but you guys are here messing around! If this was a prank, I swear you will be in deep trouble!"

"Manager-nim, we are really grateful, but please, what are those pants?" Myungho punctuated the sentence with his soft giggles, and Chan giggled along. It was hard not to follow suit when Myungho laughed. 

He laughed, and as he heard the others laughing along, his shoulders lightened. The tension of the evening slowly melted away with soft laughs and a single glare (which was already softening too) belonging to their manager.

"I will get a heart attack one day due to you boys. Ugh, and we have an early schedule tomor- ah, today. Whatever, I'm cancelling it. But you better give me a good explanation later." He looked pointedly at them, his eyes full of doubt. Seungcheol tried to soothe him and gave him an assuring nod.

Their manager gave them another glance full of suspicion and walked away.

Chan fell on his back, Jeonghan wrapping his arms around him. He had taken a nap on the roof, but fatigue hit him again. His eyelids became heavy. As sleep consumed him once again, Chan smiled.  

He was with his Hyungs. He was with Seventeen. He was with his family. No harm could possibly reach him here. 

Dino was home.