Archive of Our Own

He started his day with a loud groan. He opened his eyes, with crawling consciousness about who he was and where he was. Doctor Leonard McCoy. Chief medical officer on the (damn) starship Enterprise. Now he was lying on his bed, every bone telling him to stay here for a couple more minutes or… a whole month. The idea was so tempting like a deadly, but sweet fruit of an unknown cosmic origin. Then he imagined the Enterprise with his monthly absence... What a horror scenario it was! He dreaded if he would’ve even woken up at all! What a disaster could’ve happened to the starship without him. He wasn’t sure if the galaxy would’ve survived that kind of rationality imbalance. Jim and his logical friend all alone, with not an ounce of a single brain cell, going rampage... That thought woke him enough.

Leonard slowly got up and sat at the edge of the bed. He ran his hand over his face, trying to convince himself that two hours were enough to feel rested. Nurse Chapel mentioned to him once about positive affirmations to which he replied, 'Bollocks!' - like a sane person. However, he felt in his guts that the coming twenty four hours were going to be especially... challenging.

McCoy took care of the morning routine, doing every action with automatism (which could be achieved only by the experience). Thoughts, like dipped in tar, were slowly coursing around his head, never reaching the point. Even in this state he noticed the dark circles under his eyes, when he looked at his reflection in the mirror. He sighed deeply.

„It will… It will…” He grunted. „It will be a good day.”

He splashed some water at himself to hide the embarrassment.

„Damn miss Chapel and her crazy ideas!”

Somehow he felt even worse. Great. It would for sure be a good day.

About a week ago the Enterprise found the remains of the destroyed ship and fortunately managed to rescue the remaining crew. It boosted morals successfully and… added more work to the doctor. Of course, McCoy wasn’t planning to complain about it (okay, maybe a little); it was his job and he was more happy to help some people or… aliens. Whoever they might be. He spent enough time in space to not bet an eye on medical shenanigans, he had to take part in many times. However, some of the saved crew belonged to a species outside the doctor’s expertise. That was where the problem arose. He even swallowed his pride and decided to ask Spock for any useful information and he’d have preferred to play Russian roulette with a Klingon than admit in front of the damn hobgoblin that he needed help... h i s h e l p. What was worse, it would’ve been related to medicine - his life’s mission and purpose. Spock could know everything about planets, minerals and all that crap. Overall McCoy was the chief medical officer and that gave him the right to shut this very stubborn Vulcan up from time to time. Bones enjoyed it very much, but nothing could beat Spock’s subtle displeasure, when he was forced to listen to somebody else than himself. The intense stare, straight line of the eyebrows, tense features. Bones just ate it all up. Even now during his walk to the common cafeteria, the image of it in his mind made him feel a liiiiittle better. What could he say? Pissed off Spock had something comedic about him.

He tried to encounter Spock various times, but somehow the pointed-ear officer was nowhere to be found. Of course he had his duties on the bridge, but he was always too busy. If McCoy had had to hear, 'I’d advise to find a more preferable time for our conversation, Doctor,' one more time, he would’ve probably strangled him. And that would’ve made Jim upset. Obviously.

He checked almost every logical spot in the ship. He knocked at his door countless times (at the beginning it was knocking, later it became a straight out banging and shouting) and still... not trace of the green-blooded bastard. He would’ve just given up, but couldn’t. The fact that he sometimes felt like he couldn’t escape the most infuriating certainty beaming from Spock’s composure and his o n e raised eyebrow, but now when the doctor needed him, he was unavailable. What a hellish irony that was!

The mess hall was almost empty, which wasn’t surprising as it was a very early hour. The poor souls were leaning over breakfast, looking like they weren’t sure if they were still dreaming or not. Bones wasn’t much excited about food, but knew what could still save the day.

He sat by one of the empty tables with his meal and... coffee! The smell was enough to make his corners of the mouth twitch. It wasn’t a whole smile, but nevertheless some progress. It was one of his favourite moments; just sitting, enjoying his coffee (with milk and three sugars, which probably would’ve amused his friends dearly) and not having to deal with somebody’s business. At least for now, but later was later. He took the cup and, with blooming calmness, he took a sip. And nearly spat out everything! Even under the usual sweetness, he could feel that something was wrong. Leonard put the cup down, using a bit too much force, and rose up to take another; maybe he was just unlucky. The Enterprise had one of the best engineers in the whole fleet, but it was natural for machines to break.

‘Positive affirmations, positive affirmations. I am calm. I am at peace. I don’t get mad at issues outside my control. It will be okay,’ he thought, trying to avoid imagining an erupting volcano, a water geyser or a striking thunder.

McCoy came closer to the food synthesizer. He sighed and slowly put the card in the slot. It didn’t take long for another cup of coffee to appear in front of him. Looking at it with a suspicion, he grabbed it and without adding anything, tasted it cautiously.

Only the steel self-control stopped him from throwing the bitter beverage and its deceiving container at the wall. He created a very unique thread of almost every curse in his mind.

„Sickbay to Doctor McCoy.”

There it went... Not having to deal with somebody’s business. It didn’t last long - as always.

He reluctantly approached the Comm.

„What?”

Did he sound rude? He was too upset about the lack of good coffee on this very modern, best in the fleet, crème de la crème pile of scrap to bother.

„The patient.” Nurse Chapel made an uncertain pause, probably considering if she should’ve continued. „Patient number 009 is unstable again.”

Of course, patient 009 was unstable again. Leonard was surprised he hadn’t died, taking into the consideration this 'hell of the ride' morning. Maybe he would’ve become stable, if the doctor had got the information from Spock, WHOM HE COULD’VE NOT FOUND.

He hit the wall with a fist, making every effort to calm his increasing fury. Probably strangling the Vulcan devil would’ve brought more benefits and would’ve worked better. Maybe if he could’ve fou-

„I’m coming.” McCoy turned it off and sighed once again.

He threw a glance at his left breakfast and went out of the cafeteria. He lost his appetite.

There were many types of irritating patients. Leonard knew them too well; one of the results of his great experience in the field. Patient 009 was frustrating for sure (at least their messed up biology), but they listened attentively and didn’t complain even when they had to use the translator. 

McCoy once attempted to explain to Kirk the difficulty of taking care of an unknown alien, but the captain didn’t seem to comprehend the whole aspect of riskiness, contributing to heightened stress in every medical staff. He trusted in the doctor so much, it looked like he believed Bones was a magician or some demigod, who could’ve taken a miracle out of his sleeve at any moment. He was just a doctor, not a magician. The sleeve wasn’t long enough to contain one for every occasion. 

Patient 009 needed something more than faith and the doctor was very aware of that. From short conversations between them, during which he had asked many questions, he concluded that the best idea was to treat them as a Vulcan. There were some similarities at least; the patient also had pointed ears. Fortunately, he was behaving better than the Vulcan Bones had had the pleasure to tend. McCoy thought that this cooperating approach for sure helped with managing their situation.

This time the crisis was averted once again… luckily. The possible scenarios weren’t looking great and that started to give him a headache. Or perhaps it was the fault of something else – it didn’t matter, the outcome was the same. With this realization, he sat heavily in his office, behind the desk. McCoy hid his face in his hands and groaned loudly. If he could’ve just taken a nap for even fifteen minutes… Normally, he would’ve helped himself with coffee, but the option was unavailable. Why was everything helpful unavailable to him?! It seemed like God had played a prank on the poor, overworked doctor.

The doctor massaged the bridge of his nose, contemplating his life. How much he would've given to find himself on some class M planet, with warm (but not like on the Vulcan) sun and beautiful beach. He wouldn't have cared about the colour of water, sand or sky. Looking around the office, he felt how the despair was diving deeper and deeper in his heart. Which sane person would have preferred to work on this flying junk?!

Bones rested his forehead on his hands. Pillow would've been better, but now when the tiredness was starting to get to him, the desk seemed enough. Slowly his tensed muscles relaxed and his mind calmed down. Completely ignoring the popping out annoying thoughts, Leonard gave in to the darkness, covering like a blanket; forgetting about responsibilities or missing coffee. The dreamy fog was changing into sharper outlines, becoming more visible shapes. He heard somebody’s voice... Somebody was calling for him; the doctor was too lost to recognize it though. He moved the attention towards the voice, seeking and heading in its direction. The words began to sound clearer and louder; it had to be something important, so the best was to-

McCoy opened his eyes.

„Bridge to Doctor McCoy.”

He carefully lifted his head. The doctor grimaced, as he felt the strong blow from a hammer of pain.

„Bridge to Doctor McCoy. Are you there, Bones?” It sounded like someone was worried. McCoy started to grasp the reality around him. And what was the most important - he recognized the voice.

„Unfortunately,” he answered, checking the time. He 'slept' for exactly twelve minutes. He felt a strong need to bang his head on the desk.

„Optimistic as always.” The audacity of this man. He dared to l a u g h - in his charming, wholesome, sunny way, that made McCoy want to abandon the ship. Perhaps eternal sleep would’ve let him rest.

„What do you want, Jim?” he hissed between his teeth.

„Come to the bridge. I'll explain it to you.”

To the bridge? Why would they have- 

‘Oh God no,’ he thought, dreading the worst possibility. 

Kirk, as if sensing friend’s reluctance, urged him.

„We’re waiting for you. Patiently. Kirk out.”

How much he would’ve given for one drink with a small colourful umbrella…

‘Okay, okay,’ he thought inside the elevator, feeling the growing tension inside of him. ‘Positive affirmation, right? It won’t be a good day, but… Maybe it’ll be… not a very good day. A bit bad. It happens, right? It doesn’t mean that it’ll be a terrible day. Right? More courage, Leonard. Be more opti-’ 

He took a deep breath.

‘Be less pessimistic. What would Miss Chapel think? Eh, she’s too nice to everybody. Who is the most outrageous... Of course. Why didn't I think about Jim? His corn-fed mind must be full of rainbows and possibilities or challenges instead of problems.’

He imagined his friend standing in front of the mirror and saying to himself, 'It will be a good day,' with stupid smile on his face. The image alone made him shiver. He much preferred his darker, but rational mind. He felt like being the last defense line, lying between his two reckless friends and complete chaos and insanity; and people were bold enough to consider Spock 'the logical one'. Such an unfunny joke.

The door opened before him and the strong light attacked his tired eyes. With hesitation, the doctor went inside. Still squinting his eyes, the doctor let himself be guided by habit. After some steps, he stopped right beside, what was probably, the captain’s chair. McCoy rubbed his eyelids, attempting to get rid of appearing dots. He was hearing Kirk’s voice from some distance, so the captain was probably talking with Uhura - or most likely Spock. The responding one was lower; the doctor must’ve guessed well. 

It was always fascinating to him how the bridge had his own unique music. All the weird sounds, the beeping from one side, quiet conversation from another. It was in some sense calming. He slowly opened his eyes and  the blackness of the cosmos welcomed him, with little bright stars scattered around the screen. It seemed like the Enterprise was going at her typical, steady speed - a good sign; nobody was chasing them and they didn't have to be in a hurry because of some important mission. 

“Look, Spock, who decided to join us!” Kirk approached the doctor with a wide smile. However, the smile quickly disappeared.

“My God, Bones! What happened to you?”

Kirk clasped his arms, anxiously examining friend’s worn out face (and double dark circles). McCoy rolled his eyes.

“What happened to me? You know what happened to me?! The cosmos happened to me! The exhausting five-year mission! The crew that is full of lunatics and fools! The aliens with their insides arranged in the wrong way!” He didn’t notice when he had started shouting, but with every sentence Kirk was looking at him with more concern. 

“They’re correctly arranged, Doctor. Just differently from humans’.” Spock stood by the captain, giving McCoy the characteristic sharp look. “Taking your ignorant perspective, I should call your internal arrangement wrong. ”

His patience was too torn down for McCoy not to get disturbed by Spock’s remarks. Fortunately, Kirk spotted the burning fires hiding in friend’s eyes and the 'ready to attack' stance. 

„I’m sorry, Bones. I really am.” Kirk put his hand on the doctor’s shoulder. That cooled him down a little.

„Yeah, I know.” He sighed deeply. „So what did you call me for? Better get over it fast.”

He didn’t like the look that Kirk and Spock exchanged. The captain rubbed his hand across the back of his neck.

„Yeah, right. So, Bones...” he said uncomfortably, still throwing glances at the first officer. „How to explain that...”

„Captain means to inform you that you're needed for a mission.” Spock didn’t seem to be bothered by the unpleasant atmosphere, even his eyebrows didn’t twitch.

„Oh, for Christ’s sake!” Bones wanted to scream and pull out all of his hair. To hell with positive affirmations ! They didn’t work for shit! What a nightmare! This was the p r e c i s e information he was anxious about. The horrible mission in the middle of the cosmos, that was trying to kill them at every opportunity. Great. Amazing. Awesome.

„Isn’t any other medical staff fitting for this role?” McCoy asked naively, already knowing the answer.

„No... They asked for the best, so... Sorry.”  

He felt some satisfaction, seeing the captain in an awkward position. Deep down he was aware that it wasn’t Jim’s fault, but right now he was too focused on his own misfortune to be understanding.

„How much?”

„In three hours we should reach the destination.” Jim was fiddling with his fingers. „Right, Spock?”

„Precisely two hours, fifty-six-point-eight minutes, Captain.”

Bones ran his hand over his face. He was too tired to comment on it in any way.

„Contact me in three hours, when we-”

„In two hours, fift-”

„Don’t end this sentence or I’ll throw hands at you, understood?!”

Surprisingly Spock listened and closed his mouth. Although he seemed a bit... offended - not like it showed in any manner. To understand Spock’s emotions the knowledge of his microexpressions was unquestionably needed, but it worked in a more 'intuition' way than by mere observation. 

„Contact me THEN, but only then. If I won’t answer you... I don’t know, maybe I’m floating outside the ship. Dead.” He stopped, like seriously considering this option. ”We’ll see.”

After the doors closed, he leaned his head over the wall and loudly cursed. There was no hope left.

There was almost nothing more annoying than trying to fall asleep under the influence of strong emotions. McCoy knew that well from the experience. That was why he decided to occupy his mind with something else (at least for now). Usually work helped, but his brain was too exhausted to do any hard thinking. However, he didn't like being unproductive, so he got busy looking for some information about the unlucky patient, accessing the library computer’s banks. Without any knowledge, it was difficult to ask accurate questions though. Once again he failed and the tedious effort drained him of energy’s remains. When Bones finally laid down his head on the pillow, he fell asleep immediately. 

Thankfully, it was the captain who reached out to him. Kirk tried to be calming and also motivating, which McCoy appreciated, though it didn't help. The one-and-a-half hour nap gave him more clarity and charged his battery' to about 30%. With that he could work. Dealing with some strange, new worlds, civilization, life, yada yada … was the last thing he would've liked to do, but there wasn't any choice, so he just accepted it - blaming any of his friends for that would've been very childish. The whole ship reminded him sometimes of a big kindergarten; there should’ve been at least one adult. 

In the transporter room the captain gave him all the details and Leonard breathed a small sigh of relief. It wasn't a tragic case or a dangerous one. The newly established colony was in need of the vaccine that could help survive an attack of local virus that was very contagious and also deadly to humanoids. First symptoms passed unnoticed; later after destroying the immune system and making important organs collapse, the virus left a seemingly fully healthy human as a wreck; the sick rapidly died. On the planet's surface they could duplicate the formula - the doctor's task was only to pass it to them and, if necessary, give them additional information. It sounded easy, but the localization of the planet was so far away in this quadrant of the galaxy, that if the worst had happened, nobody would've made it in time. 

The mission didn't take long; Bones was pleasantly surprised, how everything went smoothly. There weren't any sudden Klingon attacks, unexpected enemies with their evil plans to kill all of them or firstly kidnap the Enterprise and then kill all of them. The medical staff on the planet turned out to be properly qualified for their job. McCoy managed to exchange some wacky stories about unique patients and laughed at some. It was... nice. A single ray of sunlight during a cloudy day. 

Another enjoyable part was... a little hobby of his, of which he nearly forgot due to the lack of time and occasions. While pretending to listen to some boring explanation of linguistic problems someone had experienced with a patient, he watched as Spock was showing something to Kirk in the lab (they both came with him to check on the colony’s situation). For others it probably looked like just a normal conversation and - with Spock’s blank expression - it might give the impression of even a formal one. But Bones spent enough time with them. He was able to observe how comfortable the Vulcan was; how eager he was to clarify any of the captain’s uncertainties, how he didn't seem to notice any attempts at physical contact from Kirk’s side. Jim was as always enthusiastic (overall McCoy considered him a straight out nerd, whom he was hiding under shiny confidence and charisma), but there was something about 'enthusiastic-around-Spock' Kirk. The Vulcan could’ve started a monologue about dirt and the captain would’ve listened to him wholeheartedly like it was the most beautiful, interesting story ever. Jim was of course a tactile man, but his hand seemed to never leave Spock’s arm, side or back, almost like it was hungry for any kind of contact between them.

The doctor liked to think of himself as an observant man. The truth was though, that the first clue gave him a circle of passionate gossipers.

He was minding his own business in the common cafeteria and it was around late afternoon, so the room was quite crowded. He wasn’t planning on eavesdropping, but when he heard his friends’ names - it automatically drew his attention. Group of younger girls were laughing, having generally a lot of fun. They changed subjects from some silly gossip to Kirk and Spock’ relationship. One of them compared these two to 'the Sun and its orbiting planet' (looking at the reactions, the group considered it fitting). Maybe it was due to their great enjoyment or general noise, the girls weren't even trying to be discreet. The mood shifted, the giggles fell silent as they - in full seriousness - exchanged arguments to confirm that 'there was something suspicious about these two shipmates, who were like two stars, too close to one another'.

At the beginning, the doctor found it extremely hilarious. James Kirk with his risk-driven soul and Spock, who would’ve faster agreed to die than admitted to any emotion. This type of topic wasn't surprising to him, he had heard many strange rumours on this ship already. However, it was rather irrational to defend the case that was lost from the start. He was considering telling Jim about it, to have some shared laughter later, perhaps with a companionship of alcohol. The amusement gradually vanished, later the confusion appeared. McCoy sat there astonished as he discovered... It made some sense. He couldn’t believe himself, but... it definitely did. The arguments were based on facts and pretty solid. Was he so blind? How hadn't he seen that? That day he left the cafeteria with a mission. He had to find a proof . 

As it turned out, it wasn’t Leonard who was blind. He hadn't noticed anything, because the two main characters of this whole affair hadn't spotted it either. The obliviousness of them was on some intergalactic level; so incredible that Bones was shocked. He became curious how much time Spock and Kirk would’ve needed to understand the magnitude of their relationship. That was how Bones stayed by their side attentively and a bit entertained. Although, there were days when it was so tempting to just ask a relevant question to burst the bubble of denial. He would’ve never done this as Bones was much aware how difficult and complicated love was (hell, he had one divorce to prove it). Especially in a workplace, with the differences that life had put between them. McCoy was amazed, as he found it quite… poetic. That was why he hadn't intervened; though it didn’t mean he didn't like to stir things up a bit.

“What are you both talking about so passionately? I thought you came here for an inspection and not for a date?” 

It was so difficult to stop the smile from appearing, when both men were acting like some school boys - averting eyes, like something suddenly caught their attention; Kirk’s cheeks marked with the color of the sunset. 

The captain cleared his throat, rubbing his hands.

“Spock was telling me about the vaccine. And about the virus… I was curious how it works… I should know… as a captain, you know… for the future.”

“I must say, I admire Doctor's imagination and its complete lack of any barriers of logic,” Spock answered, hiding his hands behind his back. “Have you considered changing the profession to something more fitting, for the better usage of this impressive talent?”

“You can pretend all you want, Mister Spock... I know you’d miss me!” Bones winked at him knowingly.

“Vulcans don’t miss others.” The response was automatic.

“Oh, you do! Don’t spit in my face and tell me it’s raining!”

“I can assure you, Doctor. I don't intend to do any of these actions.” 

All of a sudden Kirk bursted out laughing, surprising both of his friends

“Sorry. I’ve just imagined it and this image… It’s very amusing.”

McCoy’s smile grew wider as he thought about the same scenario; even Spock’s eyes seemed more lit up. Jim chuckled once more, clearly having a problem with putting it out of his mind. Maybe it was sentimental, but McCoy found this moment somehow… precious. He always appreciated the 'small' moments more, when they were just bickering and enjoying it too much. When he could forget about exhaustion, bad coffee and work’s frustration. Overall, it was worth it. For them.

“The humans’ expressions are always… fascinating.”

“You should learn them all, Mister Spock. After all, it’s part of your cultural heritage!” 

“Are you insinuating, Doctor, that I should start using ‘ don't spit in my face and tell me it’s raining’?”

“God, please, stop.” Jim put his hand on his mouth, trying very hard not to laugh again. Seeing Spock saying that kind of 'humans’ expression' in a monotonous voice and without any emotion on his face was an experience, impossible to be ignored and swiftly forgotten.

“Did I say something wrong, Captain?” Spock raised one eyebrow.

“On the contrary, Spock,” he murmured softly, focusing attention on his Vulcan friend.

Bones rolled his eyes.

“If foolishness could kill,” he muttered under his breath, watching two idiots with obvious affection to one another. Well, obvious to everyone else, but not them.

When Kirk and Spock were looking at themselves in this way, it appeared like nothing exists apart from them - the world, the cosmos, the people. As the doctor didn’t want to become a third wheel, he simply left them and returned to take care of the mission’s main goal (someone needed to and he wasn’t so busy ). Bones was wondering if they had noticed his disappearance, but didn’t look back. He didn’t want to interrupt the natural development of this unique friendship . 

When he got back on the ship, he was informed, during his absence, patient 009 had become unstable - once again - but they had managed to put them into a coma to reduce the threat on their life. Kirk began saying something to him, but McCoy just stormed out of the transporter room to check on his patient. Only when he got to the sickbay, the doctor realized that he had missed the chance to finally involve Spock in this whole medical catastrophe. He grabbed his hair with frustration. The good mood evaporated immediately. The tiredness reminded him of itself like an irritating coworker.

‘Am I given to some test? Am I some freaking Job of the twenty-third century?’ 

He focused on his breath - slowly in and out, hoping to regain coolness. 

His struggles weren’t important right now. He had to rescue the patient. 

McCoy turned back and ran to the elevator. He muttered, “The bridge,” waiting impatiently and stomping his feet aggressively. The anxiety was expending, colonizing every thought with dark scenarios and startling fears. After the doors opened, he nearly bumped into some ensign, but at the last second managed to avoid him. He felt dizzy.

“Doctor McCoy?” Sulu was looking at him with confusion from the captain’s chair. 

“Where is Spock?!” he shouted, holding on to the wall. He ignored a couple of black spots that had appeared before his eyes.

“Are you…okay?” The officer examined him from head to toe. Leonard finally understood what Spock meant by 'the humiliating look' the doctor allegedly had used on him. 

“Where is mister Spock?” he repeated, correcting his posture.

“He hasn't come back to the post yet, so I’d predict that in his quarters.”

“Thank you, mister Sulu.” He turned around and made the first step, when he stopped. “Jim hasn’t returned either?”

By the officer’s reaction McCoy could guess that he had heard the rumours. Sulu opened his eyes wider and raised both eyebrows, inspecting the doctor’s expression in return, like looking for any clue about the meaning of the question.

“No, Sir.”

McCoy was certain that he wouldn't have found the first officer in his room this time either. The overworked brain gave him one good idea though. Who of all the crew would’ve known where the missing Vulcan was? He couldn’t afford to lose hope now. Not now. Not yet.

Drop of sweat ran down his face, when he stopped before the right door. He wiped his wet forehead with his hand.

“Jim, are you there?” he asked, hearing his own heart loudly beating in his ears.

Every second was like an hour, dragging into millenia. McCoy felt heightening pressure inside of him, threatening to explode. 

“Jim?!” He knocked a few times, as he couldn’t restrain himself from doing it. 

The patient might have collapsed again in any minute, how much time they had left? The odds were against him and Leonard was… powerless. He was unable to prevent it in any way. He didn’t know them, but McCoy would’ve stopped caring about his patients, only if Hell had frozen over! Screw the 'omniscient' library computer! Why did they need all the knowledge, if he couldn’t even save one patient?! McCoy felt the burden of responsibility on his shoulders. It was so heavy…

“Come in, Bones.”

At first he thought that he had misheard. The doctor wiped his sweaty hands and went inside.

“Hey, Jim. Do you know whe-”

“Hello, Doctor.”

McCoy froze. The doors closed behind him as he was staring at… Spock. Spock in person. Sitting with the captain in front of the chess. He blinked a couple of times, slowly digesting what was actually happening. His gaze wandered from Spock, Kirk to the cause of them being busy. F r e a k i n g c h e s s. The cause of this whole chaos. This stupid game, that he wanted now to erase from existence and to feed the pieces to his friends. Let them choke!

“Bones?” Kirk got up from the chair. 

“I… How… Why…” 

His mind was in such a disarray. The thoughts were tangling with themselves, creating havoc and destroying the last leftovers of the composure he had fighted for so desperately. 

“I think I need a break,” he murmured, headache attacking him fiercely and without warning. He felt dizzy again, but this time more intensively; the world lost its stability, wobbling like a weak boat during a storm. The doctor felt like a kite being pulled and pushed by the malicious wind.

“Bo-”

Someone’s hands catched him before he fell. 

“Okay, Bones. You’re gonna sit down now.”

“But my patient…” McCoy opposed weakly.

“It’d be illogical to treat a patient, while being in a poor state. A doctor needs to be in proper condition to bring help.”

Bones wanted to say, “Don’t get smart up, hobgoblin, you’re not a doctor,” but hadn’t any energy to argue.

They let him sit at one of the earlier taken chairs. Spock and Kirk watched him with so different expressions, but somehow in a similar way; like he was a fragile teacup, placed at the edge of a table.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Bones muttered.

“Like what?”

“Like… there was something wrong with me.”

The captain clenched his hands into fists.

“Something wrong? Have you seen yourself in the mirror?! You look sick! Like a ghost! Like you’d pass out in any second!” The worry disappeared, flooded by anger. “Like you almost did a moment ago!”

“When was the last time you ate a nutritious meal, Doctor?” Spock asked in his 'straight-to-business' manner.

McCoy leaned against the chair, crossing arms at his chest.

“Well…”

“Well?” Jim mimicked his tone and gesture.

“I haven’t had time for eating since… breakfast.”

Kirk was an emotional man - nobody would’ve argued with that - and the way he showed anger was… quite special. Of course, he could get furious, scream and throw hands if necessary. Although, the people, who knew him well, were aware that the scariest version of Kirk was the 'calm' one. With a stiffened face, strong stare and dominating aura. The way he looked… right now.

“You’ve always nagged me about proper meals and breaking a diet and the same person, who has shouted at me many times because of it, hasn’t eaten a n y t h i n g for a whole day?”

The doctor shrunk in on himself. Jim was right; there was some kind of rotten irony in all of it. He had pressed Kirk about it. It hurt - this feeling like he lost some authority in this matter. Bones was willing to apologize, when he turned his gaze to Spock. And then he remembered. He furrowed his eyebrows. 

“Where have you been, Spock?”

“I beg your pardon, Doctor?” The Vulcan raised one eyebrow. McCoy clenched his hands on his arms.

“I've been looking for you for days. For days, I repeat! I have an unstable patient that may die in any minute and the only person who can somehow help me, who maybe has the knowledge I lack... is you.” Spock didn’t react visibly, but the doctor could tell - he was stunned.

“What do you mean by that statement?”

“They're an alien species. I don't know their biology. They seem to have some similarities to Vulcans, but maybe it's just my desperate shot.” He chuckled dryly. “I'm at my wits’ end, Spock. I’ve looked for information, but there is none. I’m… I'm really hopeless.”

That was it. His strength gave up at last. His body became so heavy, that he couldn't raise his hand; like his soul went away and that what stayed was just the empty shell of him.

“What is their current condition?”

“They've been put into a coma and they've collapsed a few times… You were nowhere. I really tried… I knocked and knocked and again looked for you. Went to the bridge, heard that you had better things to do and it wasn’t a good time and I don’t know… Maybe I should’ve got your attention and stopped beating around the bush… dragged you to the sickbay and demanded immediate assistance. But a doctor who can’t treat his own patient, is not qualified enough, so it means he’s doing a bad job and why would that kind of doctor be at the best ship in the fleet…”

“Wow, wow, slow down. We believe you, Bones. We hear you and it’s not your fault.” Kirk laid his hand on McCoy’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “We didn’t know you’ve been under such stress. I understand your concern, but your health and well-being are not a price to pay. You’re a doctor here, I think you know it yourself.”

Kirk smiled at him with his best reassuring smile.

“Don’t charm me like that, golden boy. It’s just part of my job. If a patient must die, then…” He swallowed, unable to answer in a light manner.

“If the patient is still alive, then there is a chance for improvement. Unless, you’re also a psychic, Doctor McCoy.”

“If I was, I’d win all arguments with you.” The familiar annoyance was more pleasing than the endless deserts of anhedonia and despair.

“I don’t think so,” Spock answered, clearly ending the topic. “I will go now to sickbay, Captain.”

“Me and the pieces will be waiting for you.” 

The Vulcan nodded briefly and headed out of the quarters, leaving Kirk and McCoy alone. The captain stared at the closed doors for a moment, then shifted his attention to the doctor.

“Okay, Bones. Now we’re moving to bed.”

“What bed? I have to…”

“Listen - Spock will take care of it. Bed is more comfortable than a chair. The Enterprise will survive a quick moment of your rest.”

McCoy knew he should’ve disagreed, but thinking was hard and bed really sounded like a good idea. Then all of the sudden the image of patient 009 flashed before his eyes. He forced himself to stand up, which turned out to be a very difficult procedure.

“For God’s sake, Bones! What are you doing?”

“I have responsibilities.”

“And I’m your Captain. You stay here. That’s the order.”

“You’ll let someone die?!” He staggered, but Kirk swiftly catched him.

“You said it yourself that Spock is the right person for this job. You know him, Bones. He’ll do everything in his power to save them. Isn’t it right?”

“...Perhaps.”

“We’re going to bed. Come on.”

The captain let McCoy lean on him and slowly they started to move forward. The gratitude warmed up the doctor’s heart, although his limbs seemed to weigh a tone or two, almost impossible to relocate.

“We’re very close. Just a few meters.”

The bed seemed light years away from them. Leonard closed his eyes, allowing his friend to lead. He couldn’t find himself in the mess that was his mind; memories of today blended together in one prolonged horror he couldn’t escape. McCoy reminded himself of early morning and positive affirmations. Maybe he should’ve blamed them for endless bad luck?

“We’re almost there. Hold on.”

“I’m holding on, holding on. Jesus, I’m not dying here.” Jim chuckled softly.

“I'm glad you can throw a joke even in this poor condition.”

“And what else am I supposed to do? Cry?”

“If you need to.” Kirk's answer was followed by Bones’s groans

“Better get over it quickly, Captain . I don't have all day.”

“So patient, as always.”

“Oh, shut up!”

After maybe an eternity, they managed to reach the awaited destination.

“Lay down here.”

“I don’t need an order for that.” He awkwardly lowered himself and sat on the edge of the bed. He moved and carefully laid his head on the pillow. The headache pricked him like a pin, but then started to subside.

“How are we feeling?” Kirk sat down, when his friend had before.

“Like shit.” 

Kirk snorted.

“And now imagine the reversed situation, where I neglected my health and you found out about it. What would you do in my position?”

“...Probably nagged you to death.”

“At least you’re honest. Be thankful that I’m not you.” Kirk patted the doctor’s thigh. Bones didn’t answer, contemplating the captain’s comment. 

It shouldn’t have happened. He was the chief medical officer… the role model for everyone. McCoy was so proud of his position and its authority, privileges. How could he forget about it all - his core values and life’s philosophy? How many times had he openly criticized his friends’ bad habit? Kirk’s bothersome recklessness and Spock’s infuriating avoidance of any emotional manner. He cared for them s o m u c h and couldn’t help to intervene when they were self-destructive. And now - he made the same mistake, when he should’ve been better, wiser. He deserved to lose trust and respect; it would've been justified for him to hear any vicious, critical remark. The doctor didn’t think that his sins would be s-

Kirk snapped his fingers in front of McCoy’s face. Leonard blinked confused.

“I know what you’re doing and you must stop it.” Kirk jokingly wagged his finger at him.

“What-”

“You think I don’t notice your brain overworking? All the fast turning cogs, making a problem out of nothing.”

“What’s wrong with cogs? Better than yellow corn.” Kirk sighed and crossed his arm at his chest.

“You know that there are also other things than corn fields?”

“...Soy fields?” he asked sarcastically.

The captain shook his head in amusement, then his smile disappeared.

“Bones.” He sounded serious, although the undertones of worry were clearly audible. “Why didn’t you tell us about what is happening to you? We would’ve listened, we would’ve helped the best we can… You don’t tru-”

“Are you out of your mind?! Of course, I trust you. Hell, what a stupid question is that?” He rose slightly to look the captain in the eyes. “For your information, it’s too late for that foolish concern.”

“Then… why? I really don’t understand.” McCoy hated when Kirk looked like a sad puppy. It had always worked on him.

“Frankly, I didn’t notice. I was too busy with… well, everything. The missions, patients - just work in general. I didn’t assume that something like this would happen.”

“I admire your commitment and work ethic, but that sounds like workaholism, Bones. You’ve compared Spock to a machine more than once, but it’s you who is trying to behave like one.”

McCoy swallowed the sour taste of Kirk’s comment.

“You don’t need to be nasty.”

“Do you want to hear the same in return - when you’ll criticize me for something you should criticize me for?” McCoy rolled his eyes.

“You’re spending too much time with Spock,” he mumbled, enjoying Jim’s attempt at hiding an emotional reaction. “Did you win?”

The captain's eyes sparkled. 

“Almost.”

“Maybe I should try to play with him once. I don’t know who would kill who first thought.” Kirk laughed loudly, showing his white teeth.

“What a game that would be.”

“Like the one between you and Spock,” McCoy said without thinking. The captain looked at him with wide opened eyes and pinkish cheeks.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, nothing.” He shrugged. “Just talking about chess . Maybe someday you'll be ready for that conversation.” 

Kirk frowned with puzzlement.

“Ready for the conversation about… chess?”

“If only that’d be so simple…” the doctor sighed, remembering the moment of Spock and Kirk on the planet’s surface. 

‘They are really meant for each other,’ he thought, smiling widely and confusing the captain even more. 

“Bones, you’re sometimes such an enigma.”

“Thank you for the compliment, Captain,” he answered in Spock’s unemotional way.

“You’re lucky he didn’t hear that.”

“I think you’re right… Captain .”

They laughed together, probably having the same image of one raised eyebrow before their very eyes. Not much later Bones was swallowed by the darkness of unconsciousness… still with a smile.

When McCoy finally woke up about three hours later, he almost fell from the bed; stressed out about abandoning his duties, he wanted to quickly come back to work. Fortunately, Kirk was sitting next to him and reading a book, so he managed to stop him. The confident voice of James Kirk grounded him and convinced Bones to lay for a couple more minutes.

It lasted for only two, as Leonard couldn’t stand it anymore.

With freshly gained energy he quickly got to the sickbay, ignoring his friend’s objections. Full of anxiety he went inside, with his heart in his mouth. He found Spock in the office.

“Doctor McCoy.” It was supposed to be a welcome. “I’ve expected you to be still resting.”

“Be understanding enough not to raise my blood’s pressure. I need specifics.” McCoy rubbed his eyes, with the fog of post-awakening confusion still lingering.

“Very well. During your rest, I made use of the given time and looked into the matter of the mentioned patient…”

That was one of the best and worst of Spock’s characteristics - he didn’t care about being 'nice' or avoiding hurting someone with stated facts or objective truth. McCoy would’ve never admitted to it, but for him the Vulcan was the most trusted person. He knew that the 'Vulcans can’t lie' thing was… an overstatement , though Spock would’ve never lied unless somebody's life depended on it. 

“009, yes. And?” The doctor’s heart was beating fast, sounding like the flapping wings of a scared bird.

“Your observation was correct and they share some biological similarities to Vulcans. I contacted the medical officer on my planet to get more information and exchange some theories about what treatment would fit most properly.”

“Did you find a solution?” Spock made a sound, something like a quiet sigh.

“Interruptions unnecessarily extend the time of my statement, so it’d be more… convenient for you, Doctor, to unlearn this habit.”

Bones stared at him, without the word, for several awkward moments, looking like he was ready to either snap at him or simply burst into tears. Then he slowly moved to the chair behind his desk and sat at it. He made a movement with his hand that was probably intended to encourage Spock to go on.

“There is an ancient form of treatment that not many Vulcans are aware of. There are few medics who can perform it, but we both agreed that it’d be most suitable.” McCoy blinked with a dumbfounded expression.

“So… your solution is some magical Vulcan operation that almost nobody can perform?”

“That is precisely not what I-”

“How am I supposed to find someone with that kind of knowledge out of the blue?! Should I make them from clay like long gone gods? Or maybe collect all the stars and sew them together?”

“It’s not your con-”

“What a brilliant idea, Spock! What’s better than the most unavailable solution in the middle of the damn cosmos? Maybe I should learn magic - it seems more logical ,” he said in an overly cheerful way.

“On the contrary, Doctor. Even in the middle of-”

“Abracadabra! Oh, no. Where is my Vulcan doctor?” Bones put his hand to his forehead and looked around. “Where have they-”

“Doctor McCoy!”

Bones fell silent immediately.

Spock’s tense voice bounced off the walls (what made it more loud, like a shout); the doctor felt like being under attack from… everywhere. He froze, with his face becoming a little pale. 

“As I stated previously, your interruptions are immensely unnecessary, Doctor. You must restrain yourself from cutting in on every sentence. Am I clear?” McCoy nodded, frowning and crossing his arms on his chest like an angry child.

“It’s not your concern, Doctor, because while you were resting, I talked with the captain and we successfully contacted one of the doctors that could perform the - as you called it - ‘operation’.  As I later tried to add, even in the middle of the ‘damn cosmos’ there are space stations. By the order of the captain we traveled towards one of them to meet the mentioned me- You asked me for specifics, what is the purpose of your behaviour, Doctor?” 

McCoy opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. He rolled his eyes, but didn’t complain out loud.

“For now, patient 009 is in the care of the medic who is performing the operation.” Spock ended, the gaze averted straight at the doctor; through the cracks of his stoicism, Bones noticed small signs of weariness. The doctor sighed.

McCoy standed up and stopped in front of the Vulcan. Spock’s facial features twitched like he was expecting a sudden blow. However, he didn’t move his hands, which were still hiding behind his back.

Bones put his hand on Spock’s arm and patted gently.

“Thank you, Spock. For helping me and everything.”

Both of the first officer eyebrows raised a bit, before he managed to take control of his expression. 

“Thanks isn’t required here. It was simply one of my obligations that I had neglected.” He stepped back and McCoy’s hand fell. The doctor's eyes lit up like fire.

“Do you have to be so dramatic? For God’s sake! I just want to thank you. I’m not gonna kiss you, Spock!”

“I hope so, Doctor.”

“You’re so…” Bones ran his hand through his hair. “Ugh!”

“What does ‘ugh’ mean? If I’d like to consider your opinion, I need to understand it correctly first; in which regard should I improve.”

“INFURIATING! You’re infuriating, for heaven's sake! I can’t talk with you anymore. My hair will turn gray!” 

McCoy headed for the exit.

“I was ordered to take you somewhere.” Spock swiftly joined him. McCoy cursed under his breath.

“Ladies first!” he said, pointing at the door. 

Spock looked like he wanted to comment on it, but changed his mind and went out of the office before the doctor. 

Throughout the whole walk Bones was constantly grumbling, throwing curses at the cosmos, the ship and 'green-blooded smartass', who didn't give any suggestions about their destination. Of course, Bones knew the Enterprise very well, so he was aware of the part of the ship they were located on. However, he couldn't guess where he would've been called to. It frustrated him so much.

To entertain himself he remembered the expression of Spock, when he screamed at the doctor (knowing him well, the Vulcan would've probably called it differently). McCoy smiled with bemusement. Oh, he was not going to forget it. It felt almost like a victory. He forced Spock to feel something - what joyous news it was. He was almost sure that Spock wouldn’t forget about it easily either. What a tiring life it was one of denial…

Although, he couldn't pretend that he wasn't embarrassed when he heard about what Spock had done for him. It was… nice to have someone you could trust, had the certainty that this person would’ve never failed. And he didn't fail. McCoy was flooded with gratitude, of which - of course - Spock wouldn't hear about. He was cheeky enough and too proud. McCoy wondered if it was Vulcan characteristic or Spock was just that kind of bastard. 

“Ladies first.” Spock stood by some doors (the doctor was lost in thought so he forgot about paying attention). 

“I didn't know you had a sense of humour”. Leonard passed him and came inside.

He took a few steps and suddenly stopped. 

“You’ve taken me to… the cafeteria?” McCoy asked bewildered.

Before Spock could explain himself, someone shouted the doctor’s name. The golden shirt appeared before their eyes.

“I'm glad to see you!” Kirk came closer, radiating warm energy like a heater. 

“Jim? What am I doing here?” 

“...Why are you asking me that?” Kirk asked, glancing at his first officer questionably.

“Spock said…”

“I presumed that we would meet the captain here and he had ordered me to take care of your condition.” Spock clarified.

“You know me too well, Spock.” Kirk smiled widely. “And what he’s saying is true. In fact, it's a very good idea.”

“Thank you, Captain.” 

‘Get a room,’ Bones thought, trying not to groan. 

“What is it? A triple date?”

“Only if you want to hear some violin.” Jim winked at him.

“I'd rather hear Vulcan poetry,” he muttered, not finding it as funny as his friend.

“You'd be surprised, Doctor. Vul-”

“God damn! Okay, I'm going to eat something. Are you satisfied?!”

He went towards the food synthesizer, reflecting on his life choices and once again thinking about the ideal beach. There he wouldn't have to be a part of the love charade. What a beautiful, peaceful existence it would’ve been.

He took whatever they gave him and headed towards the table where his friends were sitting. They were immersed in conversation - as always - focusing only on themselves. Some young ensigns, from the other side of the cafeteria, looked at them and exchanged glances with each other, of course hiding in them some meaning. There wasn’t need for a genius to guess that meaning.

McCoy put his plate on the table a little too hard. The loud clatter made his friends avert their gazes towards him.

“Oh, don’t worry. Don’t let yourself be interrupted. It must be a very important talk,” he said in an unnaturally sweet voice. 

“Is there a problem, Doctor?” McCoy sat down, glancing at the food with a visible disinterest. 

“Yes, there is!” He took the cup in his hand. “This is the problem!”

“Your cup is the problem?” Kirk asked, confused. McCoy looked up at the ceiling like searching for some help. 

“How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid,” he said under his breath and then added louder. “I’m talking about what i s in the cup. Look!”

He took a big sip, waiting for the bitter offensive.

“Are you really okay, Bones?” 

“Perhaps Doctor needs more time to rest.”

“That may be it. Bones, you shou-”

“My God, it’s good!”

Spock and Kirk looked at each other, silently exchanging thoughts, but McCoy didn’t mind them. It seemed almost impossible, but someone must have repaired the coffee machine or the food synthesizer - or whatever was making coffee for him. It tasted like heaven again. The pleasant excitement bursting in him like bubbles, lightning the dark shades of McCoy’s mood.

“I don’t understand…”

“Jim, the coffee is tasty again!” Kirk watched appraisingly as Bones was taking another sip. Then he chuckled lightheartedly.

“You were in such a bad mood all day just because of this?”

“Not just it! Oh, don’t bother! The patient is saved, I am saved. For now, that's all that matters.”

“It sounds logical,” Spock agreed.

“Well said,” Kirk added, grabbing the fork.

The three of them fell in silence, not having the need to break it. The nice atmosphere came back, letting them enjoy this moment, without any burden on their shoulders. Small chance of finding joy in the company of people, whom you respected and liked. ‘Or more,’ Leonard amused himself with the thought.

“Jim, have Spock told you about the way he screamed at me?” What a delightful thing it was to say.

“You screamed at Bones?!” Kirk looked at his friend with disbelief and a hint of amusement.

“That’s an overstatement. My voice may have seemed… harsh, but it was due to the construction of the doctor’s office that made it louder.”

“In a pig’s eye! I made you mad, Spock. You were angry ! So angry that you would’ve been ready to throw a punch at me!”

“Please, restrain yourself from projecting onto me, Doctor.” Spock stuck a fork in food. “I think Captain is very aware of your extensive imagination.”

“You can’t handle the truth, that’s all. And I think Captain is very aware of that too.”

“Boys, boys, no more. Don’t be rude to each other. You are setting a bad example for the class.”

“At least I’m honest with my emotions.”

“Unfortunately, you’ve made us all aware of that, even against our own will.”

Kirk laughed loudly, entertained by the exchange. Nobody from the crew took notice - it wasn’t anything new. Spock and McCoy made sarcastic remarks throughout the whole meal, with the captain putting in his two cents to just add fuel to the fire. 

The Enterprise was moving through the cosmos; uncertain, but also optimistic about the future. There were still uncovered mysteries and nameless life, almost waiting to be discovered by the famous crew, lead by captain James Kirk. Even though he didn’t know what he would come across, he wasn’t anxious. He had two of the best men in the whole galaxy by his side, who were always willing to help and eager to point out his errors (no matter if he wanted it or not) - angel and devil on his shoulders.

However, he wasn’t sure which one was who. Fortunately, there were still years ahead to think it through.