Chapter Text
Porsche's POV
I slumped down on the sofa, unable to believe the words coming out of my mother's mouth. "You are getting married to Nina, and that is final Porsche." She said firmly, leaving no room for argument. This was totally not what I expected when my parents found out I was dating Kinn. Sure I expected backlash, a shit ton of scolding but this reaction was not something I was anticipating. "Nampeung-" dad tried reasoning with mom but was immediately silenced by her. "You stay quiet; it is your fault at the end of the day that our son has turned into this... this atrocity. Dating men now, this is ridiculous" I stared at the ground, trying to not let her words get to me but it was hard. They pierced right through my heart, shattering it into pieces.
I have dealt with homophobia before, tons of it. From my classmates in high school who found out about my first crush, to random people on the street commenting on my outfit. It's not a new concept for me. But hearing it from someone you love hurts like hell. Knowing that the person you love more than life itself doesn't accept you for who you are is the worst thing. "I will call her family; you are getting married on Friday. No ifs or buts" she muttered, disappointment laced in her voice. ‘I can't do this’ I thought. No matter how much her words hurt, I can't just sit around and listen. I can't just get married! Not when Kinn- 'don't think about him right now Porsche' I told myself. "I.... Can't" I mumbled, finally looking into my mother's eyes.
They were so different from how they always are. The soft fondness and care was nowhere to be found. All I found was disappointment, anger and.... Fear? Why did she have fear in her eyes- "what did you just say?" She asked, her voice rising a dangerous octave higher. 'you can't get married, you can't do this to Kinn, you can’t do this to yourself' my inner voice was getting stronger. "Mom I can't get married to Nina, it's not just ruining my life, but hers too. Please" I was surprised at how I did not stutter once. Mom's eyes glinted in anger.
"You will settle down with her! You will start loving her, you will start afresh and most of all, you will forget that bastard Kinn!" I flinched at her words, I had never seen my mom lose her temper like this. To me she had always be the softest spoken woman ever.
"It wasn’t bad enough that you’re dating a man, but Kinn Theerapanyakul? Do you know how dangerous that man is? What the fuck is wrong with you Porsche?" she screamed, clearly abandoning her own rule of no swearing inside the house. I could see Chay peeking out from his door. His eyes looked terrified as he stared at mom, frozen. I wish I could help him; I don't want him to see mom like this. Mom slumped down on the sofa opposite to me.
"You text that man right now, and break up with him. You are getting married to Nina. You know how she feels about you; she loves to death. She's an amazing girl, way better than that boy. And before you know it, he'll move on. People like him don't remember people that leave him for long. And most importantly, you'll move on too, son" She said, for the first time placing a comforting hand on my shoulder but it was anything but comforting.
'He'll move on' her words echoed in my head like a broken recorder. I didn't want to believe it but it wasn't easy. Of course he would, he was Kinn after all. He had people on his feet, dying to date him. He had a long list of boys, available on just one call. He could have anyone that he wanted while I was nothing to him, a mere hobby to pass time. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was overthinking but my self-esteem was completely crushed. I got up silently and walked to my room, locking the door behind myself and sunk to the floor, long belated tears finally gathering at the corner of my eyes.
I played with my fingers, a nervous habit I developed from the time I was anxious to go to school because of my bullies. I hated how weak I was being, I hated how the fighter in me was defeated so easily, I hated how I believed every single word my mother said and was letting the affect me so easily, I hated how I knew Kinn could live without me when I couldn't. With shaking hands, I pulled out my phone, stray tears finally falling.
It's been long since I cried, I hate when I cry. It makes me feel pathetic, weak, and all the other names I got called on a daily basis in school. I started typing a text with trembling fingers, determinedly keeping my eyes off the recent message Kinn sent with a bunch of hearts.
Porsche
(6:05pm) We need to talk.
It took Kinn a while to reply, and during that time I zoned out on the glamourous WIK poster Chay had somehow hung up in my room without me noticing.
Kinn<3
I'm in a meeting, can we talk later if it's not important? (6:21pm)
The text did nothing to calm me, it only fueled the already raging fire that my mother had set in my heart. Her words still echoing in my mind. 'he doesn't care about me, it'll only take him a few days to move on' a bitter voice that sounded suspiciously like my past self, whispered in my head.
In hindsight, I knew I was being stupid. But I could be anything but logical right now. After all the things mother had said to me, I started questioning everything, falling into the same deep hole of insecurities, I barely managed to pull myself out of after meeting Kinn. My phone dinged with a text.
Kinn<3
Porsche? If it's urgent, we can talk right now. (6:28pm)
Why aren't you replying? (6:29pm)
I realized I had zoned out and typed out a text.
Porsche
(6:30pm) Yeah it's urgent.
Kinn<3
Okay I'm coming over right now. (6:30pm)
I shifted in panic. I don't want him to show up. Partly because I care about what mother will say, but also because I know I will never be able to do what I'm about to if I look into his eyes that have just started sparkling again. I will never be able to deny anything if I look at his pleading face, his thick eyebrows furrowed in confusion, lips screwed down in disapproval. I don't think I can handle it.
Porsche
(6:32pm) No. Don't come over. Mom is home. Let's just talk here.
Kinn<3
Why are you using proper punctuation? you're scaring me 5555. (6:33pm)
He was trying to make light of the mood by making jokes, of course he knows something's up, he always does.
Porsche
(6:34pm) Kinn...
Kinn<3
Yes, my love? What is it? (6:34pm)
My heart clenched at the endearment.
Porsche
(6:35pm) Let's break up.
I waited for his reply, biting my nails in anxiety, another habit from the past. Finally, the three dots appeared, indicating that he was typing.
Kinn<3
Nice joke 5555, you got me good there. I almost believed you. (6:41pm)
Is it about how i ate your last cupcake 55555? I will buy you as many as you want, love. (6:42pm)
Tears made my vision blurry, the letters of his text dancing in front of my eyes, mocking me. I wiped at my cheeks aggressively, ignoring the burn.
Kinn<3
Porsche? Reply please. (6:44pm)
Porsche
(6:45pm) Kinn. I'm being serious. Let's break up.
His reply was instantaneous like it had been all evening.
Kinn<3
Porsche what the fuck? (6:45pm)
Porsche, what's wrong? What happened? (6:46pm)
I threw my phone a little away from me, not wanting to see it anymore. Unable to bear the pain. I never thought I would get this attached to Kinn, not to the point of deeming him an absolute necessity to survive.
My phone continued to light up as texts after texts flooded my inbox, I paid them no heed.
I buried my face in my arms, a tiny sob left my mouth involuntarily. Memories of the lunch we had together just earlier today replaying in my mind, after which everything went downhill. How I had started the day like normal, not knowing that the kiss I placed on Kinn's cheek would be the last one.
I finally picked up the phone when the sound of notifications got too much.
*3 Missed calls from Kinn<3*
Kinn<3
Porsche, pick up (6:48pm)
*Missed call from Kinn<3*
Kinn<3
Porsche, stop acting childish for fuck’s sake. What happened? Pick up the call right now (6:49pm)
Did someone ask you to say this? Are you being held somewhere? Is there someone with you right now? (6:50pm)
I'm coming over (6:51pm)
*5 missed calls from Kinn<3*
Kinn<3
Porsche please. Reply. (6:54pm)
Porsche
(6:55pm) don't come over
*Missed call from Kinn<3*
Kinn<3
porsche pick up the csll for fucks sakw (6:56pm)
you cant do thia to mw (6:56pm)
please porsvhe (6:57pm)
He was making typos, he was starting to make mistakes which meant he was starting to believe the lie I was feeding him. He was starting to think I did not want to be with him. He was starting to get distraught, falling into his own very cycle of insecurities. It made my heart shatter at how I was the one causing this pain on him.
But I can't do this. I can't go against mom. All my life, I have done everything to be the perfect son. All my life, I had sought her validation. All my life, only her opinion had mattered to me. She was the one who made me into who I am today, Phoenix. She was the one who taught me to fight. She was the one who taught me everything I knew.
So how in the world could I fight against her. If she wants me to live like mannequin, have no feelings, say yes to everything and start a family with someone I will never love, just because it’ll make her happy, then so be it.
Kinn<3
So this is how it's going to be, Porsche? (7:10pm)
He was back to being himself, reigning his emotions in like he always has, putting on a stoic mask like he always does, just like he was taught from the moment he could speak. Right now, He was not the Kinn that secretly loved eating all my chocolates when he wakes up at midnight, the Kinn that has a secret obsession with everything green, the Kinn that likes cuddling any chance he gets. Right now, he was the Kinn Theerapanyakul everybody knew and feared.
Kinn<3
You're really breaking up with me over a text, huh? I didn't think you could be such a coward. Didn't think you wouldn't even have the courage to say this on my face. (7:12pm)
The fire in my heart that I had thought died long ago, suddenly lit up at his words. The fire of defiance that always made me do stupid things. I knew it was a trap, Kinn knew the exact words to say to make me come back. He knew me too well. But I couldn't help it. I couldn’t back down. This was who I was, a fighter, not someone who just gave up.
Porsche
let's meet up then. At our usual spot (7:13pm)
Kinn<3
I'll be there in 5. (7:13pm)
I had walked right into his trap, but I was not backing out now. I knew it was going to be hard to lie to his face about my feelings for him but my attempt at doing this on text had clearly not worked so I had no other choice. I wasn't a coward; I was anything but. If I can fight the toughest fighters in the underground ring, saying a few words should be the easiest thing. Oh man, how wrong I was.
***
After texting Kinn that I would meet him, I wiped away my tears, fixing myself up in the bathroom mirror so that I don't look as devastated as I felt. I washed my tear stained cheeks vigorously, knowing that Kinn notices even the slightest details. I took a final look in the mirror, finally looking okay and not like a complete wreck.
I grabbed my jacket, leaving my room and walking past my dad comforting my hysterical mom on the couch, I still didn’t understand her huge reaction to this news. It was complete opposite to the kind of woman that I knew she was. It was still hard to ignore the burn in my chest that always seems to appear when I see my mom crying. It's fine, it's not like I was really expecting them to accept me for who I was. I had hope, sure. But deep down I knew no one would accept me and that hurt like hell.
"Where do you think you're going Porsche?" My dad said, stopping me in my tracks. "Go back to your room, you're not to leave until I say so". I moved a few steps back and looked dead into his eyes. "I'm not a kid, pa. You can't 'ground' me. I'll go wherever the heck I want" I said more confidently than I felt, before closing the main gate behind me, ignoring my mom shouting my name.
I felt numb as I mounted my precious Ducati that Kinn had gifted me on my last birthday and I had lied to my parents on how I bought it from a bonus I got at Yok’s bar, feeling the engine roaring beneath me. It felt like a dream, an outer body experience where I'm not the one feeling it but just witnessing it from outside. I drove to our decided destination, my mind somewhere far away. Before I even knew it, I was in front of my favorite childhood spot, also the place where Kinn and I like to hang out most often.
We have so many memories here that my heart starts aching all over again. From picnics, to reading books together, taking spontaneous walks at midnight to just hanging out here every Sunday, we've done everything in this park. I walk towards the place where Kinn and I usually hang out. A huge willow tree with its head bowed forward in sorrow, leaves dancing in the gentle breeze.
And there he was, in all his glory. Handsome as ever. Kinn looked like he had just come here from a meeting from his well pressed mahogany suit, but his appearance told a completely different story. His hair was not styled to perfection like they usually are, but fell on his face in messy waves. His eyes were frantically looking around the park, searching for something.
He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit I'm too familiar with, anticipation painted all over his face. My heart clenched. I had never seen him like this. But this was for the better, I told myself. I walked towards him with purpose, knowing what I had to do. As I walked closer, he finally noticed me, hiding his emotions behind the same impassive mask he always wore.
"Porsche" he muttered. "I guess you wanted me to come say it to your face so here I am" I said, putting on brave face despite what I was feeling, not wanting to play around and get it done as quick as possible so that I could leave and go cry at home instead of hurting here in the middle of the park, standing in front of Kinn. His thick eyebrows scrunched up in confusion and it took every living cell in my body to not reach out and smoothen them. Old habits die hard.
"Why are you doing this?" He said with the same expressionless face, but I knew him too well by now to notice the tiny details. About how even though he can hide all his emotions, his eyes let them all out, how his eyes are a vessel to his feelings and his soul. I forced an arrogant smile on my face, knowing it probably didn't reach my eyes and shrugged my shoulders indifferently.
"Because I want to" I said. His eyes hardened. "Don't lie" he said, harshly, "give me the real reason why. What happened suddenly?" He was not buying my bullshit; he knew me too well. He could read me. "I don't want to live this kind of life anymore, is that too much to ask for?" Kinn took a step back, hesitance and insecurity clear in his eyes for the first time.
I had finally attacked right where it hurt. Kinn had always deemed himself unworthy of me, thinking he couldn't give me a good life despite having all the riches and luxuries of the world just because of his involvement in the dangerous business even though I was the happiest when I was with him.
This was his biggest insecurity, biggest liability, knowing that I could just leave him one day simply because I didn't want to live this life anymore and he would let me leave. Because deep down, he thought so too, no matter how much I tried convince him. This was his biggest fear and I hated myself for using it against him. In his eyes, was a childlike innocence, hurt, and I couldn't bear to see it so I looked away.
From the corner of my eye, I could see Big standing at a safe distance where he couldn't hear us but could protect Kinn if something were to happen. "Where is all of this coming from?" He asked, his voice low. I meet his gaze, "I just sat down and thought about it, I don't want to live the rest of my life running around, involved with guns and deaths. I want to live a normal life, settle down, start a family" I lie through my teeth in a nonchalant manner that was taking me every fiber of my body to keep up with.
It was all a lie. I want to live my life exactly like this. With Kinn. Running around with guns and playing around with death. It made me feel alive, because this was who I was, Phoenix. I need adventure and thrill to live, I need to live on the edge to feel alive. I don't want a normal bland life; I don't want to start a family with someone I don't know. But I tried to make my words as hurtful as possible so that he would give up. I know he would.
To my surprise, he took a step forward. His face no longer emotionless but pleading. "Porsche... Please, don't do this" he said reaching out for me as I stepped away, my heart burning. "I'll give you anything you ask for, my love. You want the world? I'll place it on your feet. Anything you want. I can't live without you, you know that, please." He begged, his eyes dragging me in.
"Can you give me a normal life Kinn? Far away from everything illegal?" I replied in a mocking manner. I hated myself, I hated how his eyes glinted in hurt, I hated mom for making me to do this, I hated everything. "You know I'd do anything to give you that Porsche, you know I can't. I'll keep you away from it Porsche you'll never even know. Please."
"No." I muttered, "it's best you forget about me now. You'll find someone else, someone better" I say, turning to leave after seeing him shake his head aggressively in denial, my stomach curling bitterly at the thought of him with someone else. I felt physically sick at the thought of my life with someone else, and at the thought of Kinn being happy with someone else.
Kinn grabbed my wrist as I looked back at him one last time, "I don't want anyone else, I want you" he begged. "You'll move on" I repeated but it was more for me than him. I gently removed his hold from my hand and walked away, only letting my tears fall when I had my back on him.
Kinn's POV
I watched Porsche's retreating back, as my heart burned with physical pain. Fuck, it hurt worse than the time I was almost beaten to death by the Russian mafia when I was 15. It hurts so much that I want to hunch over on the ground and cry until there are no tears left in me anymore, until my heart is a barren land.
I feel like a teenage boy again, going through his first heart break only that this hurts much more than that could ever. I understood where Porsche was coming from, I really did and I also knew this day would come sooner or later, but that didn't change the fact that my heart was a selfish creature that wanted Porsche all for itself and just didn’t want to let go of him.
It was inevitable but I hoped that Porsche would be happy with just me. It was stupid of me to think so. Porsche had just walked away from me, was never going to come back and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No power that I possessed could help me bring my Porsche back. I could feel tears gathering at the corners of my eyes, I furiously blinked them away, as papa had taught me when I was 8. I could not show myself weak, I was still in public where anyone could see me. So I walked briskly to Big, "drop me home" I muttered, trying to focus to not let any tears fall.
Big looked at me in confusion, "but Khun Kinn, we have an important meeting with Mr-" "just do as I say" I said sharply, ignoring the way Big flinched at my tone, I did not have it in me to care right now. "This way, Khun" he said, leading me to the car. The whole car ride was silent with Big staring at me not so discreetly through the rearview mirror every few seconds.
I stared out of the window, cars passing by me in a blur, my heart felt like someone was hammering on it insistently. I knew Porsche would end up getting tired of all this eventually but I tried to understand why he would do this so suddenly and could not find an answer. Everything had been okay when we had lunch earlier today. Porsche seemed so happy about passing a test he had been stressing about, so I decided to treat him to steak at his favorite restaurant.
He had been completely normal, not showing any signs of sorrow. 'Or maybe he just isn't sad about leaving you at all' a small voice whispered in my head, making my heart clench. I would do anything to make Porsche stay, I would take all of my wealth, all of my life, all of myself and place it in front of him if it meant he would stay. Porsche made me the man I am today, confident, self-assured and most of all, happy. Without him, I'm nothing but an empty shell.
"We're here Khun Kinn" Big's voice breaks me out of trance. I pulled myself together, putting on the same expressionless mask I'm tired of wearing every day, the disguise I can take off in front of Porsche and just be myself. 'Papa would be disappointed if he saw how emotional you're acting right now' my inner voice taunted as I walked into the compound, heading straight for the elevators.
All I wanted after this terrible day was to lay in bed and let myself grieve. My bed was my only safe place, somewhere I could be myself without a second thought, but so was Porsche's arms. I finally reached my rooms and headed straight for my bed, slumping down on it, finally letting my tears fall when I was truly alone. I stared at the white ceiling with my blurry vision, a small sob left my mouth. My breathing was getting labored as I envisioned my life without Porsche.
This felt like a dream, a really terrifying one that just wouldn’t end. I felt lonely without him tangled beside me., staring up at me with a mischievous smile. I wrapped my arms around myself in a miserable attempt to comfort myself, sobbing loudly into the pillow that still smelled like Porsche's cologne, my chest heaving with sharp gasps.
I cried till I couldn't anymore, I cried until my chest felt
empty, I cried until my heart didn't burn anymore, I cried until I felt numb, I cried until I fell asleep tightly clutching my pillow, still finding comfort in his scent.
I woke up feeling confused about my surroundings, I was ignorant for a few blissful seconds until yesterday came crashing down. I had slept the entire day; it was the next day today. The pain was back, worse than ever. I checked the time to see it was 9pm. I had missed breakfast with papa and I had my first meeting in just an hour, I had overslept for the first time in ages.
I quickly got up to dress, ignoring the way my whole body complained at being forced to work. I picked up a grey suit and dressed up like I did every single day, like a broken recorder. My mind was somewhere far away as I picked out a watch from my huge collection and styled my hair to perfection like I did every day.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked paler than usual, my eyes were still a little puffy and tired. But other than that, I looked completely normal, no one would even notice unless they looked closely. But rest assured, they never did. Because they did not care to look at me, but at Kinn Theerapanyakul.
The meeting was a success, working felt nice. It felt good to let my frustrations and sadness out by shouting at people that dared to take more from our family than what was offered, it felt good to be distracted from the constant thoughts of someone. I sipped on my coffee while sitting in my office, looking through some papers.
The coffee tasted too normal, not the disgusting one Porsche made for me every morning that I drank every single time without puking just to see that beautiful smile on his face. I would take that coffee over this perfect one any day. There was a knock on the door, breaking my train of thoughts.
Chan entered my office, "Khun Kinn, Khun Korn wants to meet you in the family garden" he said. I sighed, his people must've informed him of my weird behavior last night by now, of course they did. They tell papa everything, he knows everything. And that frustrates me to no end. I walked to the garden to see him sitting on a table, a bottle of whiskey and two glasses on display.
"Take a seat, son" papa ordered as I sat down, keeping my eyes on him as he poured us both some whiskey. He handed me the glass and waited for me to drink. I took a sip, the burn of the alcohol felt pleasant on my tongue. "You missed breakfast" he stated, curiosity carefully laced in his voice. I cleared my throat, I had to be careful with how I answered. Papa analyzed everything I said, he could read me like an open book.
"I overslept" I muttered. "That's unusual" he commented, looking unconvinced, taking a sip out of his own glass. There was a moment of silence and then... "How's Porsche?" I sucked in a sharp breath at his question. It wasn't a coincidence that this question was asked so randomly out of nowhere, there was a reason for everything he did. I forced a smile on my face, I will not show myself weak in front of him.
"He's good" I answered, evenly. Papa finally smiled, making me feel a little relieved. "That's great to hear, son". I didn’t know if he actually believed me or just pretended, to play his game of chess better. It wouldn’t be the first time that he did. "Is there a specific reason you wanted to see me?" I asked. "Can't I just want to see my son?" he joked in a light manner, pouring himself a second drink. I knew that wasn't true. He didn't want to see me when khun was kidnapped, didn't want to see me when mae died, he never did without an ulterior motive. I stopped believing that bullshit years ago.
I nodded at him nonetheless, "well if you have nothing else to say, I'll take my leave. I have some urgent work to take care of" I stood up, wanting to leave his presence. He smiled at me, "of course, son". He had wanted to see my reaction; he had wanted to see for himself if I was acting different. I don't know what conclusion he might've ended up with but I'm too tired to care about his mind games right now.
I sat on my work table, with paperwork spread all around me messily. This was unlike me, usually I liked to be organized, it helped me focus. But my mind was somewhere else, I felt drained but I forced myself to work. It was the only way to make myself feel better even if for just a few brief moments.
A FEW DAYS LATER
I thought I would feel better after a few days but I only felt worse. Not having Porsche by my side was taking a toll on me. I didn't even realize how dependent I was on Porsche and how used to being with him I was until now.
From waking up next to him, to taking him out on lunch to a new restaurant he wanted to try out. From sneaking into his place when his parents weren't home for a movie marathon to going to our favorite park to read our books. He was with me through every single second of my life and living the same life without him hurt like hell.
I had texted Porsche, unable to resist myself from doing so. I begged him to come back, I told him how my life without him was meaningless but none of my texts were delivered. That didn't stop my pleading, it was pathetic I know, but there is nothing else I could do. I can't force him to meet me when he doesn't want to see my face or do anything with me, when he was able to forget me and move on so easily. I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want because that would just make the Porsche I know hate me more.
I was slowly getting used to the idea of him not being around, of him being happy with someone else. Sure, it still made my stomach curl sourly and it made me want to throw up but I knew that he would be happier with someone else. And that's all I wanted for him. For Porsche to be happy, even if it was with someone other than me.
I had a free day today, the meeting I had later got postponed due to some technical issues so I decided to get started with a few pending work I had. I was just starting to gain focus when my phone dinged with a notification.
I glanced at my phone, my attention diverting entirely when I saw who it was from. I looked at my phone in disbelief and anticipation.
Porschay
Kinn, can we talk? (2:15pm)