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Jihoon realizes he’s about to die at three a.m. on a weekend during one of his rare day-offs when he watches back an episode of Going Seventeen on his laptop and sees himself losing his shit over the lamest joke anyone has ever made on the face of this earth in 4K ultra HD.
He coughs and coughs for so long that he’s tired afterwards and just goes to sleep, hoping he doesn’t dream of Lee Chan’s shiny teeth and laugh that would make the dead crawl out of their graves in hopes of hearing more.
“Oh no, Jihoon-ah,” Soonyoung laments sadly, when Jihoon tells him first thing after he collects himself, “We’re supposed to be thirteen forever. I’ll miss you a lot.”
I’m not dying yet, Jihoon wants to say, but he’s accepted it. He’d rather die than suffer and live with pain, no matter how much Minghao thinks it’d make great inspiration for one last song. (Or an album, Joshua says. This is not the time to give up! Keep fighting!)
“Our music, Soonyoung, our music,” Jihoon reminds him, because they learnt to be responsible from each other, and Soonyoung shrugs.
“We still have Bumzu-hyung. And Vernonie. And Jeonghan-hyung. We’ll figure something out,” Soonyoung says, in an attempt to console, but it just makes him feel shittier. He feels like a father figure walking out of his kids’ lives right after promising to stay forever.
“And Channie, he kept trying to learn more about music production from you, did he not? He’s great at picking stuff up,” Soonyoung comments brightly, slapping his shoulder in encouragement.
He definitely did not pick up Jihoon’s all-encompassing multiverse-extending flowers-bursting-out-of-his-chest feelings.
“I think it’s insightful, how someone can die from too much love in their hearts,” Minghao offers his unwanted opinion, that evening.
“I think it’s humiliating, actually.”
“It’s cute,” Mingyu pipes up, cautiously, as though afraid Jihoon would try to stab him with fucking rose petals or something. “You’re like a little houseplant.”
“Wow! He is! Hyung, you really are! I think it would be a little lonely being a houseplant, though,” Seokmin exclaims, before he does this thing with his face where every feature in it gets sharpened and Jihoon has trouble looking him in the eye.
“If you were my houseplant, hyung, I would take you on walks. Put you in one of those, uh, baby strollers and show you the world. And definitely not over-water you,” Seokmin says earnestly, holding Jihoon’s hand.
“Because you’d forget to even water him at all,” Minghao says, and Seokmin lets go of Jihoon’s hand to slap him.
“I won’t! You know why? Do you know why? Ask me why!” Seokmin says, directing the last part of the question command to Jihoon. Jihoon doesn’t ask him why, but Seokmin tells him anyways, this time holding both of his hands.
“Because I love you.”
Minghao covers his face daintily as though it would mask his loud snort from reaching their ears, and Mingyu groans.
“I told you it’s not you!” he exclaims, and Seokmin looks at Jihoon with heartbroken eyes, shaking Jihoon like a ragdoll.
“Hyung! Why is it not me! I thought it was me!” he yells into Jihoon’s face, and Jihoon pulls away, trying to shush him by rubbing his shoulder.
“I feel like I’ll die now, because of you. You’re going to kill me, hyung. Aaaah,” he yells out, trying his best to cough his lungs out, and Jihoon would be offended at the mockery of his own very real situation if it wasn’t Seokmin doing it, probably to keep him distracted from his impending demise.
“Is that a flower! See! Is that a flower!” he says, pointing out desperately, and Minghao scrunches his face in disgust at the droplet of spit landing on his sophisticatedly-shaped grey jeans.
Jihoon also scrunches his nose in disgust, and the action puts the littlest amount of pressure onto his throat, which commences his third coughing session of the day. It’s not too bad, all things considered. He didn’t choke on the snapdragons and die a horrifying death in front of the members on stage amidst performing without so much as an explanation to their fans and ruin their careers and traumatise them all forever.
"Hyung, I love you, and I'll miss you," Mingyu takes the opening and says it in a touching display of sincerity, as Minghao slaps Jihoon's head repeatedly to get the coughing to stop.
"Not the time, Mingyu-yah," Jihoon mumbles, gathering the white petals stuck to his tongue to throw inside the garbage bin on the other side of the room. They all stand up, ready to leave, sensing Jihoon probably needs some alone time to process it, as though there's anything to process beyond "CHAN DOESN'T LOVE ME" and "I PROMISED CARATS THE BEST ALBUM EVER"
A few seconds pass, and Jihoon doesn't turn around yet, but hears Mingyu's voice from the direction of the studio door, the other two probably already having left.
"I'm sorry, Jihoon-hyung, I just tried but— but I can't. I can't say I love you and mean it romantically," Mingyu begins solemnly, and Jihoon’s eyes comically widen, "I'm so sorry, I didn't want to do this to you. I don't think I'll ever— ever recover from this loss. I think I'll forever be a slave to regret, Jihoon-hyung," he concludes, sniffling, and leaves before Jihoon can say anything. He sighs and flops down onto the couch.
He does feel like retracting the “didn’t traumatise them all forever” statement though, as Vernon walks into him on one of the days where he’s forcing himself to work in the studio despite the numerous protests raised by the members and their staff, hunched over and spitting out reddish-black petals. He was sure the paperwork would be taxing, but HOBE deserves it for what it is currently putting Chan through for his official solo debut.
"Oh! I'm sorry— I'll just, leave you alone—" Vernon starts, averting his eyes, and Jihoon feels a rush of fondness blossoming no, taking root inside of him no, bursting forth from his lungs NO, for the kid.
"No, you can stay," Jihoon rasps out, wiping his face with a wet tissue, "You're here at the right time, actually," he says, to which Vernon raises an eyebrow apprehensively.
Jihoon ignores it and searches on his desk and then inside his pockets to find something. He turns to look at Vernon, who seems to want to be anywhere but there, but is choosing to stay out of what Jihoon believes is true love for him, because there is love everywhere if one chooses to look for it, for example, inside his lungs, in the form of ugly black roses.
"This is for you," he says, and places the keys to the studio into Vernon's outstretched palm, "I trust you with them," he says, sitting on a chair opposite Vernon. Vernon looks at him, starry-eyed, and then at the keys, appearing to be speechless.
"Hyung... This is— I can't—" he begins, and Jihoon cuts him off.
"I only trust you with them," he says pointedly, and Vernon nods multiple times. Jeonghan only ever does not play around with Vernon.
"Okay, hyung. I'll take care of this place for you," Vernon says, throat thick with emotion. Jihoon averts his eyes and stands up, points to various different locations of the studio like a realtor and starts explaining about them, despite Vernon knowing everything about the place.
"And finally, this is where Jeonghan hides his stash of snacks," Jihoon ends his useless speech, and Vernon finally widens his eyes, somehow appearing even more emotional that when he got the keys.
"Hyung.. Thank you, so so much. But why did it take you death to share that with me?"
"Because he mixed various kinds of snacks including salted peanuts inside one big container and shook it really hard," Jihoon mutters, and Vernon says something like, "You remember my peanut allergy? Even I forgot about that one" before being cut off by the studio door suddenly banging open like cops who were about to barge in to declare their brotherly alliance illegal.
The members, sans Seungcheol and Chan, pile into the studio one by one, with Seungkwan leading the commotion.
"I can't believe Seokmin-hyung and Soonyoung-hyung got to know before me! Does our unit mean nothing to them anymore?" he complains, dropping down beside Vernon and resting his cheek on his shoulders.
"Yah, Seungkwan-ah! Pipe down! You're overwhelming Woojingie!" Jeonghan says, getting his huge snack container out from a completely different place from where Jihoon predicted it to be, and Jihoon widens his eyes. He changes the place every few days! What a genius! Jeonghan seats himself on Vernon's other side and starts munching loudly, periodically slapping Vernon's hands away as they absently find their way into the container.
"It's okay, this place is for you guys, anyways," Jihoon says, smiling, and Wonwoo slaps his shoulder twice before settling down beside Jihoon on another chair.
"Are you sure about that, Woojingie? A little birdie told me you discreetly invited Vernonie and gave him the keys to the studio in secret!" Jeonghan says, and Joshua gasps loudly. Vernon pockets the keys after stopping playing with them.
"Hyung, do you guys not trust me? If you don't, I'll hand them over to someone you guys feel more comfortable with," Vernon says, and Jihoon smiles in satisfaction as Jeonghan doubles down and insists there is no one more deserving of it than Vernon himself, which Seungkwan vehemently agrees to if the glare he fixes on Jeonghan is anything to go by.
Junhui slips beside Jihoon amidst all the commotion, and places a glittery red flash drive in Jihoon's hands.
"This is, this is uhh... Wonwoo and I made this for you," he begins, and Wonwoo pretends not to listen despite being right fucking there.
"It's a collection of pictures of every single time one of our fans compared you to a cat," he says, smile a touch endeared, a touch excited, "Well, not every single time, but the pictures did take up half of the drive, so...," he continues, wringing his hands.
"We wanted you to see yourself through the eyes of the people that love you, Jihoonie," Wonwoo says finally, breaking his stare-down with a dried-up grain of rice on the carpet.
"I added a few admissions myself too, you know," Junhui giggles shyly, and Jihoon feels touched in a way he cannot explain, throat filling up with affection.
He lived for these guys, its only fair he dies for one of them as well.
"And uhh, this is from Seungcheol. A song," Wonwoo hands him another drive, this one cautiously, and before Jihoon even considers listening to it there, Junhui shakes his head forcefully.
"Do not do that here. Haha," Junhui laughs out awkwardly, "And don't even think of playing it out loud," he says as he fixes him with an ominous glare, smile frozen on the lower half of his face, and Wonwoo returns back to his staring contest with the now-absent rice grain.
Jihoon eyes the name scribbled on the drive suspiciously, and gulps.
THE CLOSER TO THE HEART THE HARDER THE STAB 💔
"Is he mad at me because I'm dying?" Jihoon asks incredulously, picturing a sulking Seungcheol scribble a pink broken heart on the tiny pen drive. Distantly, he notes with only a little bit of sourness that this experience did definitely provide inspiration, if it got Seungcheol to write about it. He's leaving them in good hands.
"Yes! Or no, it doesn't matter! He still loves you! Probably! Can we talk about the more important things first? Who's going to be the leader of the vocal unit now? I vote ME", Seungkwan raises his hand, and Joshua and Jeonghan raise their voices together in protest.
"It'll be me! The kids listen to me," Jeonghan says, and squawks indignantly as Seungkwan pushes him off the couch.
"Jihoon-ah! Are you seeing this!" Joshua sidles up to him, affronted, "I'll miss you, I'll take good care of the unit, I promise," he says, locking him a side hug, and Jihoon feels like dying early because the urge to cough announces its presence like an itch he cannot scratch.
"I vote Shua-hyung," a lone voice pipes up uncertainly, and Jihoon widens his eyes as a sweaty Chan plops himself on Seungkwan much to Seungkwan’s very vocal complaints. He gives Jihoon an awkward smile, and Jihoon wants to run headfirst into oncoming traffic if the flowers taking root in his lungs won't kill him first.
"Not sure for what, though. Is Jihoon-hyung going on a vacation?" Chan says, and then everyone starts yelling at him.
"Do you have no manners?"
"You'd pick Hong Jisoo over me?!"
"When has he ever voluntarily gone on a vacation?"
Jihoon sees confusion growing on Chan's face, and yells at everyone to leave before he gets overwhelmed. They still have to record Wait tonight. They all reluctantly agree to do so.
"Yah, be careful, he's dying," Mingyu says to Chan, casting one lingering apologetic glance at Jihoon before leaving.
"Sorry Jihoon-ah," Jeonghan says, the single ounce of humanity left in him making itself known, before he continues with, "But I really don't want to be the leader of the vocal team," he pauses, then finishes with, "I just wanted to make up with Seungkwan. We fought yesterday," and flutters away like a sad little bird.
"He's dying? You're dying?" Chan yells, appearing exceeding concerned like he's never heard of people dying. Cute.
The yelling commences again from outside the studio, shouts of Why does he not know? and You can't just ask a dying person if they're dying and a We should ask him to do it faster, though, like maybe before Seungcheol finds him and a wise Aren't we all dying, always? echo through the walls, and Jihoon shuts the door, locks it, and turns to stare at Chan who looks at him like he's a weird little dog he's supposed to dogsit because he owes his friend a favour.
For the first time, Jihoon feels self conscious. At least the flowers he coughs out are pretty, interesting mix of fragrances aside.
"Chan-ah, I'm dying," Jihoon reveals flatly, despite feeling like he's setting himself on fire instead of the usual agitation from saying the same thing over and over again.
"Oh, like figuratively? It's okay, hyung, We can reschedule the recording session for later, or— or I can just do it all myself—" Chan lets out, no longer looking at him like a weird dog, which pisses Jihoon off because how dare he try shoulder even more work when Jihoon's trying to lessen the burden for him and how is he such an idiot there are bloody flower petals on his desk.
"No, Chan-ah, I'm actually dying," Jihoon iterates impatiently, "I figure I have about a week left."
"Uh, hyung, should you be here, then? Aren't you supposed to be at, like, a hospital?"
"What's the point, I'm gonna die anyways."
"Okay," Chan replies, obviously displeased at his lack of will to live, and Jihoon doesn't like it.
"It's— It's Hanahaki, Chan-ah," Jihoon tries, pointing to the flower petals in the garbage bin, and then to his chest, "I don't want to live a loveless life."
"Who said its going to be loveless? You can always find someone else," Chan says, a touch defensive for some reason.
"But I can't look at anybody else with them occupying my heart. And my general vicinity," Jihoon answers, suddenly tired.
"Oh, hyung. Oh. It's a member, isn't it?" Chan says with wide eyes as if it's some sort of huge revelation, despite Jihoon having never looked at anyone with as much love as he looks at them.
"Yes, you idiot, it is."
"So you're just going to give up?" Chan prods, visibly disappointed, and something else Jihoon cannot ascertain.
Jihoon just nods, trying not to speak more, already feeling his throat getting irritated. Chan also nods several times, before he sits in front of the monitor beside Jihoon, and Jihoon hands him the headphones so Chan can listen to the demo Jihoon recorded. They're silent like that for a while.
Jihoon watches attentively as Chan gets engrossed in the music, documents his expressions, the impressed nod of the head here, the unsubtle frown on his face there, the contemplative furrow of his eyebrows, the drive to do better, the ambition. A burning star that never dies. A hurricane that never relents. Chan is the unforgiving body of water powering Jihoon’s stupid hamster wheel with fucking electricity.
He understands the reason for his disappointment. So you're just going to give up?
Well, Jihoon is not. Not really. Jihoon is not giving his memories up like a coward. He likes who he is, right now. The flowers are a testament to the amount of love he carries in his entire soul, and its not a bad way to die because of the vastness of it. He's not had many people to love growing up, anyways. And he's always lived for other people.
He zones back in on Chan, and notices Chan not talking or saying anything. Not even insisting to record right away like usual. Chan wrings his fingers, eyes darting towards Jihoon's face and then away in a second.
"Alright, what is it that you want to say? Do you want to completely re-do the song? Because I still have time," Jihoon says. For you. If this is the last song he's going to work on before dying, he'll make sure that it's damn well the best piece of art he's ever had a hand in creating.
"No! It's perfect, hyung."
"Then what is it?" Jihoon frowns, confused. Maybe he's just sad? Maybe he doesn't know what the hell Hanahaki disease even is?
"You're really going to die, right", Chan blurts out really quickly, and Jihoon’s frown deepens.
"What?"
"Like, you're sure you're going to die? A hundred percent?" Chan asks, appearing nervous now. Jihoon wants to cry.
"Yes—"
"You swear?"
"Yes. What is this about, seriously?" Jihoon says, choosing to be exasperated instead of actively digging his grave right outside the building.
"Thank god," Chan breathes out, "I wanted to let you know that Ihadhanahakitoo."
"You what?"
"Hyung! I! Had hanahaki! In the past!"
"When?"
"When we debuted," Chan reveals, averting his eyes. Jihoon is surprised, because how was he able to hide it? Is it why he kept rejecting Jeonghan all the time back then? Jihoon’s heart aches. He was so young.
"I'm glad you're— I'm glad I could finally tell you, circumstances aside," Chan continues, earnestness in his voice, and Jihoon feels lost.
"Why couldn't you tell me?" Jihoon asks, being the confused one amongst them for a change.
"Because you didn't like me back! And it's embarrassing!" Chan lets out, ears red, and Jihoon widens his eyes in shock at the statement.
Chan loved him. And he also got that surgically removed.
"And I'm the coward, Chan-ah?" Jihoon says, pinning Chan with a judgemental stare, despite his heart racing. Chan shrinks into himself.
"I'm sorry I didn't let myself die? Is that what you want me to say, hyung?"
"Yes actually," Jihoon fumes, "And you're an idiot," he continues, "Who do you think is the reason I have Hanahaki in the first place?"
"Uhh, Mingyu?"
"No you dumbass, it's you," Jihoon stresses, looking into Chan's eyes intently.
"Oh-- Oh! This is-- this is awkward," Chan says, and Jihoon places his palm on his temple.
"You never noticed the way I was looking at you?" Jihoon says, and Chan nods.
"The members all look at me that way, though," Chan replies after, ears red, and Jihoon groans.
"Well, I'm the only one in love with you," Jihoon says, only eighty percent sure. Wonwoo and Seungkwan constantly look like they want to eat Chan whole.
"How was I supposed to know that?!" Chan responds defensively.
"I don't know, don't you monitor your performances? Did you just never look at the others around you?"
"I told you I did, hyung!!"
Jihoon drops it, tired. Is this what right person wrong time meant? Jihoon always thought that was a load of bullshit.
"Why did you even like me?" Jihoon decides to ask. He was about to die anyways.
"Because you're easy to love?" Chan responds, looking down at his hands, "It's why I want to keep avoiding you, actually, because I don't want to fall and go through the heartbreak all over again."
"Why you want to keep avoiding— Lee Chan, why would it be heart break? I just told you I love you," Jihoon says, insides burning. Because you're easy to love.
Chan dares to look up into Jihoon's eyes, and Jihoon hopes he sees the sincerity in them. Jihoon was about to die to keep the memories of his love for Chan intact in his soul, and he would also very well keep living with them playing behind his eyes if Chan wishes to give him another chance.
"I'm in love with you, and I will keep being in love with you two years from now, ten years from now, and forever, if you want me to, Chan-ah."
Chan looks surprised, sucks in a breath, and then crashes into Jihoon with all his might. Jihoon catches him, wraps his arms around Chan's shoulders and smiles into his hair. This has to be the first time Chan enthusiastically initiated physical contact with him in over three years. Jihoon hopes Chan feels just as elated with the prospect.
"I'm not in love with you again, yet," Chan says, and Jihoon's lungs still feel itchy, but he doesn't worry about it. He is easy to love (T-T). He gives Chan about a week. Anything beyond, and he'll die in a pool of his own blood. And flowers, of course.
"You're so cute, Jihoonie," Chan smiles (a touch nervously), when Jihoon tells him exactly that. And Jihoon leans in to kiss him. Chan giggles, before his lips meet Jihoon's in a short-lived kiss, and then pulls away, making a face. Ah, Jihoon notes, the smell. Maybe two weeks?
"Hyung, I want to take you out on a date," Chan says, seriously, "I want to do all the cliché couple things with you I've grown up wanting to," as if he doesn't know Jihoon would do anything if he asks him to.
"Okay, Chan-ah," Jihoon still nods, "Maybe leave out the flowers, though?" he asks hopefully, and Chan smiles, acquiescing.
They end up deciding that this was a huge milestone in their relationship throughout the years, and stop the recording session early. Tuck themselves onto the couch, and search up the meanings and symbolism for the different flowers the both of them coughed up, and Jihoon feels weirdly choked up when he realized they both coughed up black roses at one point, and when Chan tells him the first flower he coughed out is a fucking cauliflower, and not the dainty little red carnations Jihoon did. Feels horror well up inside of him when he finds out cauliflower is a kind of flower, and so is broccoli. Shared horror, when they realize they have to face Seungcheol tomorrow, and when Jihoon realizes he has to take the studio keys back from Vernon, tomorrow.
They have each other, now. And an infinite number of (other) tomorrows to look forward to.