Chapter Text
Kathryn stared blankly at the image on the viewscreen. In all of her years fighting for Voyager she never imagined that she would make it, that she would see Earth again.
The brilliant blue and green orb almost seemed like an illusion. Perhaps it was? A spectacular one, if so. Dozens of starships were visible in orbit. She could make out the clouds above Australia and New Zealand. A damn fine illusion, she supposed.
Voyager had been here for almost three days now, though. If this was another mind-altering encounter, it was taking its time revealing the truth.
Her entire crew had departed. Starfleet’s crews were ready to board, to dissect the computer core and remove all non-Federation technology.
She couldn’t stand the idea of their teams coming in and butchering her ship. Voyager had been their home, didn’t Starfleet understand that? Then again that’s probably why they asked the crew to leave.
Kathryn needed to depart, but she was having a hell of a time standing from the Captain’s chair. She’d been trying all day, to no avail.
She couldn’t be here for the beginning of the procedure. Oh, the crews would start whether she was aboard or not, the process wasn’t dangerous at all, but she couldn’t bear to watch them work. Voyager deserved so much more than Starfleet was giving her, and on Christmas of all days!
Her family expected her to join them on the surface. Her mother had organised to host a dinner party and had been overjoyed that Kathryn would be there this year. She should – join them. Her eyes flicked to the chronometer and she frowned; she was half an hour late.
She made yet another feeble effort to stand, but her legs refused to comply.
How could she leave? Voyager had been her life for seven years. She’d fought tooth and nail. She’d given everything she had to this ship and her crew and all she had to show for it was a box of possessions, the high probability of court-martial and a broken heart.
Still, she reminded herself once again, I got them home. That was worth any punishment Starfleet, or the universe could dream up, worth everything she’d sacrificed.
She drew a deep breath in an effort to calm her hammering heart. She had to stand. She had to join her family. Bracing herself against the armrests of her chair she closed her eyes and forced herself to her feet. Her hands were shaking, her stomach churning at the idea of leaving now.
Her eyes opened and she surveyed her surroundings.
The helm seemed so quiet without Tom. She could almost hear him talking about his latest holo-project or his excitement over B’Elanna’s pregnancy.
She smiled at the thought and the memory of holding the baby girl for the first time only yesterday. Miral was as beautiful as her parents and would no doubt grow with their spirit and their – gumption.
Kathryn turned to Tuvok’s station, her smile disappearing almost immediately. Tuvok had been rushed to Vulcan for urgent treatment. Apparently his condition had been worse than the Vulcan had let on, and he’d almost run out of time. His son would be meeting him there once he arrived so they could begin his healing. According to the Doctor, Tuvok would need to remain on Vulcan receiving treatments for around six months, if not, longer. She already missed him.
The Doctor had attempted to assure Kathryn that Tuvok would make a full recovery, the doctors who had come to escort him to Vulcan, however, hadn’t been so positive. She couldn’t stand the thought that she may lose him, despite Admiral Janeway’s efforts.
As she glanced toward Operations she imagined the bridge full as it had been only days beforehand. B’Elanna, Ayala, Seven, Wildman, Nicoletti, Rollins, all manning their temporary stations while on the bridge.
Her eyes fixed on where Harry would have been standing. She remembered the shock on his expression as Earth came into view and how he’d remained silent for a long time, before pulling himself back to his work.
If for nothing else, returning home had been worth it just to see Harry with his parents. His mother had held his arm so tightly Kathryn wasn’t certain she’d ever let him go. His father had the proudest smile as he wrapped Harry in a firm hug.
Kathryn’s eyes wandered to the seat next to her own.
Chakotay had been absent over the last months. Well, he’d been distant. It was her fault though. She’d pushed him away repeatedly. She couldn’t possibly have expected him to remain by her side. That didn’t dull the sting, however.
She’d always held Chakotay out as a kind of reward should she manage to get her crew home. Like some carrot on a damn stick. Now another horse had stolen that carrot. She snorted at the analogy and rolled her eyes; pathetic and unpoetic, as per usual.
Walking to the front of the bridge she leaned on the banister, head down. Of everything she could have messed up…
Neither Seven nor Chakotay had even said goodbye when they left in the morning and that hurt almost as much.
Still, Voyager was home now, her crew could be happy. She’d caused them enough misery to last a life-time. They deserved the best, and now they would have the opportunity to attain it.
Drawing a deep breath, in an attempt to excise her melancholy, Kathryn forced her eyes to the viewscreen, to Earth’s image. They were home, they could all have the best; herself included. She would be with her family, she could reconnect with old friends, and if she was lucky enough to escape court-martial, she could re-build her career.
She caressed the banister fondly for the final time. She would miss Voyager terribly. Her heart hurt at the thought that she might never set foot on the ship again.
“Thank you,” she whispered. Silly as it felt she wanted to tell the ship just how much she’d meant over the years. She’d harboured them, kept them safe against some of the worst possible conditions. Voyager had been their home, her home for seven years. Letting go of that was going to be terribly difficult.
But she had a Christmas dinner to get to. She had a family to see. Eventually she had reports to submit, debriefings to attend and warrants to contest. Kathryn pushed herself away and headed to the turbolift. She’d have a difficult time keeping her emotions in check before she finally reached the surface. If she didn’t leave now, though, she might never be able to force herself to go.
Just short of the lift, the doors opened, Kathryn almost walked straight into Chakotay whose shocked expression was likely a mirror of her own.
“Chakotay!” she blurted awkwardly.
“Kathryn, I – ah,” Chakotay responded. “I thought you’d left.” There was a note of – sadness in his tone; as though he thought she’d actually leave without saying goodbye to him!
She shook her head becoming annoyed for the briefest moment before realising that obviously she’d been wrong about him leaving without a farewell. “I was just about to leave, actually,” she muttered.
He glanced around and gave a small smile, “couldn’t leave without saying goodbye?” he surmised.
She gave her own smile, but ducked her head, embarrassed by how ‘on point’ he was.
“Me neither,” he said with a note of affection. He moved past her, to the centre of the bridge, and examined their chairs.
She was almost tempted to leave him to his farewell until he spoke again, “it’ll be strange."
Glancing up curiously, she made a questioning noise, “hmm?”
“Not sitting here, no banter, not – seeing you every day,” he revealed.
Kathryn stared dumbly at him, heart leaping in her chest for a split second before she remembered his current relationship status. He meant nothing more than as friends. She shouldn’t really have expected anything more.
“It will,” she responded dully.
He glanced up at her and gave another of his devastatingly handsome smiles. Well, that’s not going to help, she thought testily.
His eyes flicked away again, to the viewscreen. He stared for a long time at Earth's image. Kathryn couldn’t convince herself to look at anything but him, though.
Eventually his eyes returned to her and he gave a curious frown. “I thought you had Christmas with your family?” he asked.
She hadn’t told him that.
“I do,” she responded vaguely.
His eyes skimmed their surroundings before fixing on her. “Why aren’t you there?”
For some reason his question agitated her, she moved back to the centre of the bridge, folding her arms beneath her breasts. “What about you? Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”
His eyes narrowed, but despite her tone he didn’t seem irritated, quite the contrary. He gave a small laugh. “Well, I was supposed to be in Arizona, but my cousin had to work late.”
“Arizona?” she asked quickly.
He cocked his head curiously. “Yes, where else would I go?”
“Well, I assumed you’d be off to Sweden,” she answered, trying to hide her disappointment.
“Sweden?” he appeared taken aback. “Why on Earth would I be in Sweden?”
Ok, now she was confused. “I thought you and Seven left this morning,” she answered.
His bewilderment turned almost indignant, “Seven? Why would I go anywhere with Seven?”
“Because you and Seven…” She made a vague gesture and frowned. She didn’t want to say the words allowed. She didn’t even want to look at him, really.
His eyes widened. She wasn’t certain whether he appeared more shocked or angry. “Seven?” he exclaimed. “She’s a child!”
She opened her mouth to respond, hotly, until she realised something. Kathryn was a master manipulator. She knew exactly which buttons to press to convince herself to make certain decisions. Her future-self must have lied.
Kathryn glanced away, trying to hide the small grin that lit her face.
“The Admiral,” Chakotay stated, almost as though he could read her mind. He seemed to give this a moment’s thought before a smile appeared on his own face.
Damn!
“Why didn’t you ask me?” he questioned softly. He took a step toward her.
Because I was scared of the answer, she thought to herself. Because I thought I already knew the answer, she added.
“It’s not exactly something I could just – ask,” she responded. That was true. They’d grown apart in recent months. This was probably one of their longest conversations in some time, certainly since Carey died.
“You can always ask me anything,” he said in a breath.
Though he certainly believed his statement Kathryn didn’t think she’d have ever been comfortable asking that particular question.
To divert attention from their current conversation she moved down the bridge, past him and planted herself against the railing again. Her relief was palpable. She’d just prefer that he not be able to see that, at the moment.
She wasn’t entirely too sure what to do with this information. She could hardly deny her feelings for him, but years of hiding, years of denial were difficult to decondition. She also had no idea whether he even reciprocated. They hadn’t spoken about their – feelings in some time. Even then those conversations had been heavily veiled.
The best course of action, now, would be to change the subject. “I’m going to miss Voyager,” she whispered.
He moved up next to her, proffering an affectionate smile. “There are a lot of things I’m going to miss.” His soft response caused her heart to skip a beat. She didn’t want to dare think his comment was for her. Focussing her attention away from him her eyes fell on the door of her ready room.
“Have you visited today?” he asked.
The ready room had been stripped bare of her personal effects yesterday, sent to her mother’s house in Indiana.
She gave a small, humourless laugh. “I sat in there for three hours this morning,” she confided. “It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?” she muttered. Her eyes flicked back to him. He didn’t speak, waiting patiently for her to continue.
“I fought so hard to get us back home and now I don’t want to leave,” she explained with a smile.
He shook his head. “No, that’s not ridiculous at all. Voyager has been our home for seven years,” he reiterated her earlier thoughts. Not for the first time since meeting him she wondered whether he might be able to read her mind.
“I’m glad you came here,” she divulged. She was. Saying goodbye to Voyager would have left her a wreck once she made it to her mother’s house. “I’m glad you’re here with me, for this.”
His smile held the warmth and strength that had kept her going for so long. “Always,” he whispered.
As a reflex she placed her hand over his heart. Throughout the years she’d done this numerous times, her attempt to show him that she cared.
They both jumped when Kathryn’s comm badge chirped. “Lieutenant Derryn to Captain Janeway, I have an incoming audio communication from Indiana.”
She closed her eyes and shook her head ever so slightly. Every time!
“Please patch it through,” she replied.
Chakotay took a step back, eyes taking in the room again as Kathryn’s mother spoke.
”Katie, where are you? Is everything alright?” Her mother sounded more than a little worked up.
Kathryn wanted to kick herself, her mother hadn’t seen her in seven years and she’d kept her waiting. She’d been selfish. “I’m sorry, Mom, I’ve just been delayed with goodbyes, on Voyager.”
She noted the very slight slump in Chakotay’s shoulders, though she couldn’t see his face.
“We’re not starting without you, when will you arrive?” her mother continued.
“I’m on my way now. Give me ten more minutes,” she answered.
“Alright, Katie, we’ll see you in ten minutes,” her mother responded, sounding more than a little relieved.
The channel closed and Chakotay turned back to her. “I suppose this is goodbye, for now,” he spoke quietly.
Kathryn had faced down some of the greatest threats known the Starfleet. She had fought while outmatched and outgunned and she’d barely broken a sweat all the while. In the face of those terrors one might describe her as brave, though she was just doing her job. The one thing she’d never been particularly brave with, however, was her heart. She’d been so scared to ‘lay it on the line’ that she’d almost lost Chakotay. If there was even the slightest chance, now, that she could walk out of this with him by her side…
She drew a deep breath, bucking up her courage. “Why don’t you come with me?”
“To your mother’s Christmas celebration?” he asked. His eyes lit up beautifully. “I wouldn’t want to impose.”
“It’d be no imposition,” she told him firmly. “Your presence would never be an imposition.”
His smile in response made her heart skip again; genuine and wonderful with more affection that she’d witnessed in a long time.
“Sounds like fun,” he responded happily. He offered his arm and she took it without hesitation, as she had done so many times before.
They headed up the bridge, to the turbolift and entered together. Kathryn afforded one final look around before ordering, “Transporter room one.”
Her throat constricted and her chest tightened as the doors closed, removing the bridge from her view. She still wanted to cry, despite Chakotay’s presence.
He obviously sensed her distress. His free hand rested on her shoulder in a comforting gesture.
No matter how she tried to fight, her eyes had clouded with tears. She gave her friend a thankful smile and noted that he too appeared more than a little misty eyed. She couldn’t help but wonder how many members of the crew had left crying.
She placed her hand over his, thankful for his companionship.
As the lift began to move Kathryn felt a tear fall down her cheek. She covered her face in her hand in a fruitless effort to disguise her upset.
Chakotay’s arm moved around her shoulders and he held her tight. She’d have felt a fool if she hadn’t heard his own sniffling.
They stayed, holding each other throughout the turbolift journey. When the doors opened Kathryn pulled away giving a small, apologetic smile before leading the way to the transporter room, around the corner.
When the entered she froze again, feeling another wave of sorrow. Her shoulders slumped and she drew a deep shuddered breath in an effort to waylay further tears.
“Are you alright?” Chakotay asked softly.
She turned and smiled though her eyes didn’t feel up to the task. “I’m fine,” she replied. “I really am. We’re home,” she added quickly. “I’m fine,” she whispered again.
Chakotay gave a short laugh. “I’m not,” he confided.
She gave him a curious look waiting for him to elaborate.
“I don’t have much on Earth,” he said. His eyes dodged to the ground before meeting hers again, “I had everything here.” His gaze became deep penetrating, the same look he’d given her so many times before, the look that had presented itself during their time on New Earth, or perhaps earlier. She’d thought it gone. She’d thought he’d left it behind on some far away world after one of their disagreements, one of her bad decisions, but here it was again. Had she been completely wrong about his interests?
He cleared his throat, eyes flicking to the console behind him. “We should probably head down to the surface, before your family organises a search party.”
Kathryn laughed at the joke. “Don’t say that when you’re around them,” she commented. “Too soon.”
He gave a small, fond smile and motioned for her to stand on the transporter pad before heading to input a delayed beam out.
She waited patiently, though she could feel her body rebelling against leaving. She had a strong impulse to leap off the pad and chain herself to something. That was one way to throw her career away.
Chakotay entered the delay sequence and moved up beside Kathryn. She wondered if he understood the sincerity of her earlier comment. If he hadn’t found her on the bridge, if he had left with Seven, she wouldn’t have made it this far.
As the beam took them their eyes fixed on one another and they smiled.