Chapter Text
1. I hate the way you talk to me
Tabula rasa - a blank slate. That's what you were when you came on the team. You were not assigned any characteristics, you were malleable, only after some time we began to shape your image in our heads. Mine was very ambivalent. I appreciated your talent, your dedication to the sport, your passion that anyone could envy. No one loved as much as you, no one suffered as much as you. On the other hand, your uncertainty, excessive politeness and timid words made me angry. I didn't like the initial way you treated me; you were so distant, and yet we were supposed to create a good team and bond, proving that Barcelona is a place that creates not only talents, but also friendships. You were completely different towards the other members; you were able to show them your feelings and prove how much you cared; you kissed them, whispered words of comfort, your hands created invisible patterns on their bodies. As if you had two personalities, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - your soul was torn apart.
I remember one day I asked why you couldn't treat me like others. I felt frustrated. I didn't know yet how much I wanted your attention. You just shook your head and a huge blush appeared on your cheeks.
"You won't understand this, Pedri, you never wanted to understand" - you said enigmatically and left. Only later did I begin to understand that this distance had only one reason; we had too much in common. Codependency began to eat us from the inside. We couldn't contain our feelings, this strange rush, how could we know that we were already in a losing position from the very beginning?
When I managed to break through your barrier, I began to fear myself. My heart started beating faster and faster at the sight of you, my hands trembled at the thought of meeting you, my mind was occupied only with you. I knew I was falling in love with you and it started to scare me. I've never felt this way, I didn't want this overwhelming feeling, I wanted you to leave my mind but it wasn't possible, we had gone too far. You had to face the consequences of your actions.
The worst thing was that you reciprocate my feelings, I had no chance to despair and then forget. Just a few weeks after discovering our feelings, we became a couple. I had the impression that no one in our immediate circle was shocked. As if we were created solely for ourselves; According to Ferran, we were two halves of souls who at some point found each other. Everything happened very dynamically and even though a certain relationship began to connect us, the way you spoke to me did not change. You were still shy and insecure. You treated me like glass, as if I was fragile enough to be hurt, but that's not true. I could handle a lot, but what happened the week before my twenty-first birthday... I wasn't prepared for it.
"We have to end this, Pedri, I can't cope," you said coldly, and I stared at you, unsure of what to say. I did not expect that. Suddenly everything that had surrounded me for the last two years disappeared.
Over time, I began to regret letting you get so close. That I succumbed to these tender words that reminded me of the taste of happiness and victory. That I let you believe that you love me and that we have the right to exist and a chance to be happy. From the moment we broke up, when you couldn't even look me in the eye, I started to hate the way you spoke to me completely.
1.2. And the way you cut your hair
I watched this match. When you fell to the turf, my heart fell with you. Tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks and Fernando had to calm me down for the next few days. I added the post on Instagram just to maintain appearances - I was told so, so that no one would guess that the relationship between the golden boys was limited only to mutual greetings and polite phrases, which were said with great difficulty anyway. The worst part of it all was the unawareness. Of course, I could have written to you, but my pride and broken heart wouldn't let me. Sometimes I asked Fermin how you were doing and he told me about your life. About how you sink into endless despair, how you miss football, how much you would like to come back. I felt sorry for you. No one deserved something like this, not at such a young age, when your career was blossoming, you were supposed to be at the top, but you fell too low.
And when one day, after a hard workout, I decided to look through your Instagram stories, I noticed that you had added a new story. I thought you shared some post or were trying to show how great you were doing, proving to me that it was just me who couldn't move on, but what I saw was beyond my wildest dreams.
Your hair, which once curled in all directions and adorned your pale face, suddenly disappeared. The new hairstyle made you look more mature and your facial features sharpened. You no longer resembled the version of me who once dated me, told me she loved me, and clung to the hope that together we would be able to change this whole world. Your eyes didn't shine like they used to, you turned from a lover into a warrior. It's just a pity that along with your transformation, I had to lose my senses and my miserable heart. I remember how I loved lying in my bed with you at night, you holding me tightly to your chest as if you were afraid I would run away, and I would tangle my fingers in your hair and play with it. I loved them, the way they shaped under my touch, the way you purred like a little kitten in a burst of joy at my touch, and now it was all gone. As if when we broke up, you tried to erase any memories of me. It hurt Gavi, it hurt like hell.
2. I hate the way you drive my car
The term "passenger princess" stuck with you very quickly. In fact, you barely appeared on the team and you already received this title. I was amused by how cutely you got angry when someone called you that name. You then frowned, clenched your hands into fists, and a grimace of dissatisfaction appeared on your lips. Despite this, you have said many times that you love our rides together. You loved the moments we could spend just the two of us. We then listened to our favorite songs; Quevedo interspersed with the sounds of Coldplay, (nothing was more bipolar than our musical taste), but it didn't bother me. The way you sang the songs softly, swaying to their rhythm and your leg involuntarily bouncing, made me fall in love with you all over again every day. While riding together, we also discussed our future, the club's situation, but also about such ordinary, mundane things. Nobody disturbed us then and everything looked very idyllic, almost idyllic, until one day you told me that you wanted to start driving lessons.
I know it sounds stupid, after all, you had to be independent from me one day, but I really didn't want us to get to this point. With your learning, a very sweet phase of our lives ended. Fortunately, both practice and theory were very difficult for you, because you wanted to know everything at once, and even I, with my angelic patience, was unable to bear your anger. That's why you were taught about the car by Frenkie, who found it an interesting challenge. I myself was sure of my admiration for the Dutchman. I would kill you, and I loved you, let alone the older one.
Unfortunately, at some point you managed to pass. When I found out about it, salty tears started flowing down my cheeks, which were not a sign of joy at all. I know I was selfish, but I couldn't contain my feelings. I was so afraid of changes, you assured me that everything would be the same, but anyway... We started traveling separately to training and matches, our shared playlist disappeared because it caused me too much pain, the affiliation began to blur.
My first injury this season suddenly put me at your mercy. When I found out I was out of the game, my world turned upside down; months of sacrifices, exercises, special diets. It was all in vain. I hated my body for how fragile it was. That day I couldn't drive the car on my own because my vision was blurred by tears and my head was full of bad thoughts, so we left the training center together, but now you were the driver. And as I watched how closely you followed the traffic and how well you did it, I started sobbing even harder. The world was moving on, you were gaining knowledge, and I had the impression that I was standing still. When you noticed my loss of energy and strength, you started stroking my thigh and whispering tender words, I still remember your touch. Unfortunately, I don't have him with me now, someone else calms me down when things are bad. It's just a pity that my heart still belongs to you.
3. I hate it when you stare
When we were together, I felt like you were staring at me like I was some wonder of the world. You have said many times that you have the most beautiful picture in the world in front of your eyes. He might question your taste and opinion, but there was no point in arguing. Your big brown eyes looked at me with such tenderness that sometimes I felt like I would drown in this sweet overflow of emotions. I remember every look; it was when you first told me that "you like me very much, even love me", then when we did it for the first time and you were deep inside me and you claimed that "you have never felt this way and you are grateful to fate that put me in your path because now you feel complete" and when you broke my heart into millions of pieces by declaring that "nothing can last forever, what fate has sent must be lost."
After we broke up, I felt your eyes on me many times. At first it was a worried look, but in the end I looked like a shadow of myself; I lost weight, dark circles appeared under my eyes, my cheeks became strangely pale and sunken. Every day I had to answer a question; "is everything OK?" asked by a team or family member. I hated lying, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth and tell them that my heart was broken in half, that I resembled Kai from Andersen's fairy tales, that I was as cold as ice because there were shards of ice in my body and soul. That's why I told others, and maybe even myself, that it was just a transitional period, that I would be able to move on soon. Oh, how wrong I was.
Then your look went from worried to dreamy again. The one I saw when we were together. I had the feeling that you missed me and still wanted me. Your eyes often wandered around my body, I felt exposed in some way. My teammates laughed that you looked like a dog trying to chase its toy, but I wasn't laughing. You've really confused me.
At the very end, before your injury, your gaze was full of resentment, hatred and possessiveness. You knew what happened. Everyone was aware of this. They were now waiting for your move. Everyone knew a blowout would be inevitable, after all, I started dating Ferran. It happened suddenly and without warning. One day we were sitting in my living room watching TV, and the next day we came to training holding hands. When you saw us, I felt like you were going to faint. I felt bad about it all myself. I had the impression that with you I left some unfinished past that I would return to if it weren't for the fear that paralyzed me every time I recalled that memorable birthday. To this day I hate November twenty-fifth, it was then that I lost the entire meaning of my life.
4. I hate your big dumb combat boots
Let's go back to the times when we were happy and you didn't completely destroy me for others. How about we reminisce about our first and last vacation spent in Tenerife?
My first love was family. I loved my mother's hugs, my father's smile, and my brother's presence. My second love was the Canary Islands. I loved this place, these people, this atmosphere. When I found out that FC Barcelona wanted to sign me, I was incredibly happy, but deep in my heart I also felt a familiar pang; regret. Regret for what I had to leave behind, what I had to sacrifice, how many tears I shed for it. Whenever I had the opportunity, I returned home so that I could still feel like a child and lose myself in this shell of illusion. Unfortunately, I slowly started to grow out of it, adult life was waiting for me at every step. and I couldn't run away from him so skillfully anymore. Still, there were certain constants in my life that kept me moving forward.
Our first holiday together was spent mostly apart. We had been together for a few months and were just getting to know each other, so no one was surprised by our joint decision. However, we decided to spend the latter - the best - together. We debated for a long time whether it would be Sevilla or Tegueste, and finally we came to the conclusion that we would choose the Canary Islands. I felt incredibly happy. I knew you gave in on purpose. You once said that to my mother one morning when we were lying on the couch together and you thought I was asleep. Back then, all you cared about was my smile. When I heard this, I felt like I was going to cry with happiness. I felt like I had chosen the right person.
It was very exciting showing you the island. Especially since you enjoyed it even more than I did. Your eyes sparkled as you looked with me at the rolling cliffs, the towering mountains and the endless sea. You claimed to have fallen in love with this place, while I fell even more in love with you. There was only one thing I hated, those stupid shoes of yours.
I understand that we're walking on rocks, climbing on different terrains, but damn Gavi, it's like a million degrees, it's better if you go barefoot - I grumbled, and you glared at me, repeating that safety is the most important thing.
Actually, you were kind of right. One day I almost sprained my ankle while we were walking down the cliffs with him. God, how you started to panic. You carried me on your back all the way back, and then we spent a few hours in the emergency room for you to make sure I was okay. My mother, after she stopped sulking at my stupidity, took me aside for a short conversation and told me that she adored you and had no problem with you becoming an official member of our family in the future. I knew what she meant, but I didn't look that far ahead. Engagement, wedding, children. We discussed it sometimes, but these were not serious plans, rather some assumptions and joint research. I found out that you would like to organize your wedding on the beach, maybe on one of "my islands", that you want to have two children and a cat and that you want to be happy by my side. I absorbed this information like a sponge, but I wasn't expecting anything. Maybe it's a good thing, after all I would be very disappointed.
5. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme
The World Championships were not kind to us. I would say that they stripped us of our dignity and self-confidence. It took us a very long time to recover. I remember December 6th, the memories of these Saint Nicholas Days will remain with me for the rest of my life. Losing has never tasted so bitter. When I sat on the turf, I wanted to merge with it and forget all the pain. For a moment I forgot about others, for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to be selfish. While you, on the contrary, were looking for me with your eyes. As if you read my mind and knew where my twisted mind was heading.
Sometimes it scared me how well we knew each other's habits. How well we can ease each other's pain. After the match against Morocco, when we returned to the hotel and we were feeling tired, you held my body tightly. You didn't want me to fall, but it was inevitable, Pablo. From the very beginning to the end I knew that this championship would be my destruction. I was lost in my thoughts while you were lost in my body. I allowed you to do so as a kind of addiction. You were gentle with me and I didn't like it. I wanted something that would take my mind off in a completely different direction, but you wouldn't give it to me.
I know what you're thinking and no, I don't agree, you sighed sadly, sinking into me. I had the impression that we were connected and nothing could separate us. Well, as you can see, I was wrong about everything around me.
Many times, without any words, you were able to read my intentions. You knew when at big events I wanted to go home, you knew perfectly well my reactions to losses and wins, you read my thoughts and even after announcing my relationship with Ferran, you were perfectly aware of what I felt.
"Tell me, why do you pursue something that will never make you happy? "- you asked that day, squeezing my wrist tightly. Your touch made me shiver.
"You see, once I wanted to be happy and it ended in one big fall, now I may not feel the same, but I will make someone else happy" - I said tearfully and moved away from you. You shook your head at my words.
"Oh yes, how could I forget you and your wonderful altruism," you said furiously and walked away. I didn't understand your behavior. You finally let me know that we're done. So why did you try so hard to show how much you cared?
6. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right
I was constantly comparing you. Ferran was much taller and stronger. He was easily able to pick me up, hide me in his arms, protect me from the whole world, but it was only a body; a lump of bones, muscles, tissues, nothing more. He may have had the upper hand physically, but mentally you were far superior to him. Torres, although he was sensitive, did not wear his heart on his sleeve and was unable to show his emotions. Parting with Sira caused his joy to fade. She had some part of his soul, but it wasn't a hole like mine.
Ferran's hands didn't burn. On the contrary, they felt strangely cold on my body, which, considering my difficulty maintaining my temperature, made me shiver. He had long, slender fingers that I constantly compared to your short, rounded fingers. He made me look even more fragile than I actually was.
Ferran didn't treat me like a porcelain doll. On the contrary, he repeatedly said that I could endure a lot. I was impressed by his confidence. He had a certain image of me in his head, and I allowed him to believe it, adapting to his version.
My family, even though they knew and liked him, didn't see him as anything other than my best friend. One day my mother even scolded me for giving him hope, and in fact I still love you, but what could I do? Tell him that when he touches my body in the evenings or early mornings, trying to take it apart, I close my eyes and imagine it is you? That I almost screamed your name several times? That I desperately wanted to wake up in your arms? That no word, no touch and no action of his will be able to compare to you?
The worst part was that no matter who I dated, you were still the center of my universe. I felt like I was a failure and maybe you were right that I was unhappy with him, but you know what Gavi? I suffocated in this relationship, feeling remorse every day. How could someone as good as Ferran...
want me? A man who hates himself. Yes, with your departure, my self-esteem has dropped to zero again and I have the impression that nothing will be able to save it. Eventually something had to make you leave. The fault was mine. If you only told me once why you're not in my life...
7. I hate it when you lie
I still remember the events of the party Ansu invited us to after winning La Liga. The poor guy knew that he would soon have to leave the club and, probably at all costs, he tried to show us his attachment to us and his undying love. It's not that with his departure the contact between us disappeared, but it became involuntarily very limited. After all, he knew about our breakup and was very surprised after what you said in June 2022.
We didn't normally drink alcohol. Me, because I hated the taste of it, it burned my tongue and made me gag strangely, even a tiny drop disgusted me. You, because you did very strange things when you were drunk; like when you fell asleep in the closet at Eric's birthday and slept so soundly that nothing could wake you up. I remember when we were looking for you, how worried I was crying, after this action you promised me that you would never touch even a gram of anything containing ethanol. But then it was a serious opportunity, you don't win the title many times. That's why that day I let you drink and party like there was no tomorrow. I didn't feel like it myself, I was probably overstimulated, but I was happy with everyone else.
At one point, for about half an hour, I lost track of you. At that time, you were probably drinking out of longing, because when I found you, you looked like you were about to lose your balance and fall asleep at the same time. When you noticed me, your face lit up with that glow that made my heart beat faster. Suddenly, however, your eyebrows furrowed as you noticed Ansu's arm wrapped around my waist. You quickly pushed them off me and pulled them to your chest.
"Mine" - you announced possessively and looked provocatively at Fati, who only raised his hands in a gesture of resignation. There was no point in arguing with a drunk version of you.
"I won't take it away from you, it's yours by all means." - Ansu confirmed your thoughts, without adding any new thoughts. He looked at you, smiling sentimentally. He probably remembered your years together, those to which I didn't have access.
"I'm serious, there will be a ring here someday, a ring from me" - you said, all too sober, pointing to my ring finger of my right hand, the one on which the wedding ring is worn. Ansu didn't even seem surprised, as if you two had talked about this before. It was new for me, we may have made our plans in Tenerife, but I thought they were more of a joke, but now you were quite serious, which surprised me greatly, but at the same time made me incredibly happy. I was glad that
"I know this Gavi and it makes me happy all the time, you are made for each other."
I don't know if you remember that evening. Were you telling the truth then? Or were they just drunken jokes on your part since you didn't say a word about it the next day? On the other hand, drunk people will usually tell you the most truth. Then either you weren't drunk enough or you could lie even in that state.
8. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry
"Cheer up, Pedri." - You were almost begging, digging your fingers into my ribs, but it was really hard to stay positive. The situation at the club was falling apart and I couldn't do anything because I was injured again. My leg was immobilized on the pillows you brought me.
"Gavi, come on, it really doesn't make sense," I sighed tiredly, and you shook your head and stood up, walking to who knows where. After a while you came back with the album.
"I'm going to show you photos from my childhood because I have the impression that it always amuses you" - you announced and without even waiting for my consent, you opened the photo album. Normally you hid it from me, and when your mother talked about some embarrassing events in your life, you covered your ears and turned red in the face. That's why I was surprised by your proposal.
"Why do you have a rag over your hair?" - I asked when you showed me the photo of you and Aurora. You could have been five and six years old, she was dressed in a snake suit and you had some kind of cloth on your head.
"Aurora insisted that we have matching costumes, so she dressed as a snake and I was to be the Egyptian fakir she charms with. You can't see it in the photo, but the whole costume also included a flute and a large basket in which she was sitting" - you announced happily, and I couldn't believe your imagination, when I started thinking about it more, I couldn't help but laugh, it's hard for me I gasped for air and tears began to flow from my eyes.
"That's what I was talking about, I can see how happy it makes you" - you said and pulled me closer to you - It'll be fine Pedri, we'll deal with it - you promised.
As you can see, we didn't deal with it properly. Fernando has hated you since I was born. God, it was so terrible. I had the impression that my body was not obeying me and my brain was not receiving any new information. Our entire future together was ruined, and I had no idea how to continue. How can you move on and live when the person who was your life suddenly passes away? And it's not like he leaves forever, but simply ends the relationship. Something that was supposed to be beautiful and wonderful turned into a nightmare. I cried for many days, sometimes I felt like my body couldn't take it anymore. Even now, as I write this letter, I cannot stop the tears that wet my cheeks. I don't want to erase them, they are a sign of our history, what we have experienced together. And I remember lying on my bed right after we broke up, staring blankly at the ceiling as Fernando rubbed my back.
"No one is worth it, Pedri" - he repeated, looking at my condition, but I know it was worth it for you. Maybe we were only together for two years and maybe we were young, but thanks to you I understood what love is and I will be eternally grateful to you for that, no matter how much effort it took.
9.I hate it when you’re not around and the fact you didn’t call
Honestly? I loved this club more than anything, although some people accused me of not showing it. I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve like you. I loved quietly and calmly, while you could not contain the violence of your feelings. Still, I couldn't stand our team's situation anymore. Consecutive lost matches that led to constant relegation, goals conceded, and finally this; Xavi's departure. I would like to erase the match against Villarreal from my memory, because it was a defeat I haven't faced in a long time. After almost 100 minutes I was exhausted, I just wanted to fall asleep and preferably never get up again. How I looked for you after every game, it was an involuntary habit I had acquired. Even when we were no longer together, we found each other's eyes, bodies and even souls. This was our fate; extremely poor. Nothing could ease my pain that day, really. I had the impression that something was tearing me apart inside and I couldn't fight it and put it back together, that was your role. Of course Ferran tried to help me, but as I mentioned before. He had no power over me. His hands were suffocating me, his words made me feel even more guilty because he wasn't even trying to understand me, he wanted to find peace on his own and I couldn't give it to him.
That day, more than ever, I wanted to hear your voice, to reassure me that everything would be fine, that it wasn't because of me that we lost spectacularly, that it wasn't my fault that Xavi was leaving. You knew I loved to blame myself. That's why you always wanted me to pour some of it on you.
I don't know why I was hoping you'd call, maybe you were worried. After all, we haven't existed for several months, we haven't talked to each other. Nothing was as it should be. That's why I wasn't even surprised by the presence of Fermin, who assured me that I had done well, that the goal was beautiful, that I had finally succeeded. How was I supposed to know it was you who sent him to me?
10. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all
"We need to talk" - you announced exactly half a year after our breakup, when you caught me after one of your meetings with the doctor.
"I don't need anything, Gavi" - I said tiredly. I was fed up with our fighting. My feelings didn't change, but I was a bit fed up with it.
"Please, Pedri" - you begged, looking at me with those big eyes. I couldn't refuse them.
"All right. Come to me tonight" - I said and left, not wanting to hear any more words from your lips. From a distance, I heard a question asking if you would have to face Fernando or Ferran, but I didn't answer.
I didn't know how to prepare for our meeting. Was I supposed to dress specially? How to set it up? What did you expect from me? So many questions, so few answers. From my side; I still loved you, but there was also a lot of reluctance in me. Fortunately, your understanding of the evening is my noon, so you arrived at my house at 4 p.m.
Before you say anything, please, I said and gave you this letter in which I expressed my feelings. I couldn't say what I felt, that's why I wrote it here, and what you do with it and how our story will unfold will depend on us.