Work Text:
It starts with a rather suspicious gift from Jeongyeon.
“Babe, while this place looks stunning, why did you buy me tickets to this glamping spot? You know I have a perfectly great camping setup thanks to my dad,” Jihyo grumbles out loud, squinting at the envelope before her and then squinting at Jeongyeon who is sitting across from her, eating some breakfast rather peacefully.
Jeongyeon responds with her mouth full, “Yeah, but I know how much you like going to new places by yourself. You’ve been stressed lately - think of it as an early Christmas gift.”
Jihyo raises her eyebrow, “This is very sudden and very generous. How do I know this isn’t some kind of trap?”
The older girl rolls her eyes and fights the urge to be snarky, “Hey, we’ve seriously had such a stressful year. How is it suspicious for me to want you to have a restful weekend alone?”
Jihyo hums for a bit before tapping her fingers lightly on the table. Jeongyeon is right, and she also recognizes that Jeongyeon has been doing a lot for her this year, understanding the most how much she had torn herself apart while working on her solo.
Rather reluctantly, she nods. “Okay, I’ll go. But I don’t want to go alone, I think it’d be nice to unwind with a friend. I’m always alone here in this apartment.”
Jeongyeon smiles softly, the corner of her mouth upturning ever so slightly, “I can arrange that.”
---
Meanwhile, Nayeon and Momo come home from a walk with the dogs, and a similar envelope is sitting on the dining room table.
“That’s a gift from me,” Nayeon says the second she sees Momo eying it. “A little getaway camping trip, since we talked a lot about going the past while.”
Momo’s eyes widen and she opens the envelope immediately, “Glamping?”
“Think of it as your own little healing camp,” Nayeon giggles, throwing an arm around Momo’s shoulders. “You worked really hard this year.”
Momo frowns at the prospect of camping alone, completely certain that she would not survive the elements without at least one other person. “You’re not coming with me?” she pleads, batting her eyelashes at the older girl.
Nayeon puts a finger to her chin and tilts her head, a sparkle of mischief in her eyes, “I’m busy that weekend, but don’t worry, you won’t be by yourself.”
Momo sighs in relief, a question on the tip of her tongue, but then she eyes the date of the tickets. All thoughts exit her mind at how soon the trip is, “It’s for this weekend?! I gotta go pack!”
Nayeon smirks as she watches Momo run to her room in a hurry before texting Jeongyeon about the success of her mission.
JY:
They’re finally going to deal with their feelings.
NY:
Honestly, it’s too bad we can’t go watch.
JY:
I would agree, but I also feel like it might be too painful.
NY:
I have faith in them! Especially Momo, she’s been a lot braver lately.
JY:
Yeah but still too scared to go all the way. I bet once Jihyo gets out of her own ass she’ll make the first move.
NY:
Oh, so you wanna bet now?
JY:
Whoever loses has to film ten Tiktok challenges with Jihyo.
NY:
You’re on!
—
The weekend rolls around and Jihyo is more than prepared. She’s gone camping recently and finds it second nature to pack at this point. Connecting with nature is one of her favourite ways to destress, so she’s really looking forward to this rather last minute trip. The spot Jeongyeon picked was pretty far but had a lot of beautiful hiking trails.
Speaking of Jeongyeon, she suddenly gets a text from her. The woman had been quite vague with her lately about which member was going with her on the trip. Jihyo didn’t think much of it though once she started doing more research on the glamping place. The girls are busy, so it makes sense that she won’t know who will be coming with her until the day of - their schedules change at an insane rate after all.
Her phone vibrates as she finishes zipping up her last bag.
Go pick her up here. She’s getting you two breakfast.
Straight to the point as always. Jeongyeon then sends the address of a cafe a little ways away from their company building and Jihyo hums to herself in excitement, a little spring in her step.
---
However, at the café, Momo is faced with a little crisis.
“Nayeonnie…why wouldn’t you prepare me for this?!” Momo whines, shaking a hooded, masked, and sunglasses wearing Nayeon. She then clutches her chest rather dramatically, squeezing the older girl’s arm while on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Sorry, I was worried you’d chicken out if you knew it was her,” Nayeon rubs apologetic circles onto Momo’s arm as the girl buries her face into her shoulder.
Nayeon isn’t 100% sure of that, especially since Momo had been freely talking about Jihyo more and more lately and talking to the younger girl more frequently as well. Still, she and Jeongyeon decided that it would be safest to not let the two find out until today.
Momo fake cries for a bit before admitting Nayeon is right through a muffled groan. Momo’s courage around Jihyo has been spotty to say the least.
“But come on,” Nayeon tenderly cups Momo’s cheek and looks her straight in the eyes, “Don’t tell me the thought of having a weekend alone with Jihyo isn’t exciting?“
Momo looks to the side for a moment before a sigh escapes her lips, a pout and blush clear on her face, “It’s too exciting, the butterflies are going to rip my stomach open.” She closes her eyes tight before shaking her head, “All of my breakfast is going to spill out. Oh my God , I should’ve dressed nicer. Oh my God I would’ve packed so differently if I knew - unnie !”
Nayeon tries her best to be sympathetic, but she can’t help but laugh at how flustered Momo has become in the two minutes since she confessed that Jihyo was the one who would be spending the weekend with her. She suppresses her laughter, knowing how genuinely anxious Momo is, but makes a note to have a bit of a laughing fit later. Perhaps with Jeongyeon.
“Oh my GOD , what if she takes one look at me and decides she doesn’t want to go camping anymore?”
Nayeon rolls her eyes, but before she can respond and try to reassure her best friend, they both freeze as they see Jihyo’s car park in front of the café. Nayeon watches as Momo gets a little paler and gives her best friend a soft smile. Ever since things got a bit strange between the two a few years back, Momo has had a bit of an irrational fear that Jihyo is actively avoiding her.
Nayeon can’t say anything for sure about whether Jihyo is actually intentionally avoiding Momo in any capacity, but she does know for sure that Jihyo loves all of them, including Momo.
“Momo, you know that’s not true. I don’t know exactly what’s going on between the two of you-“
“Nothing, absolutely nothing,” Momo interrupts, the blush on her cheeks becoming more apparent, her bottom lip jutting out even more.
“But Jihyo would never reject you. Anyway, suck it up and bring her the coffees and sandwiches. You will have an amazing time this weekend, and you can thank me later.”
Momo gives Nayeon her best pleading eyes, but the older girl only shrugs and shoves the treats into Momo’s hands.
“This might be your only chance,” she whispers into Momo’s ear. “Don’t fuck it up.”
Momo is pushed out of the café and she starts walking hesitantly towards Jihyo’s car. She’s slow at first, a little wobbly and she keeps looking back at Nayeon who just keeps gesturing for her to go further. Luckily, Jihyo is on her phone and hasn’t noticed Momo yet. She takes a deep breath and one final look at Nayeon before walking with a bit more confidence.
She’s almost at the car by the time Jihyo finally looks up. Momo clenches the tray and paper bag in her hands as she anticipates Jihyo’s reaction. Her stomach churns when Jihyo’s gigantic eyes go a bit wider, but then they soften and Momo is graced by her radiant toothy and gummy grin. She feels her body start to unclench in relief and she feels just a little bit silly.
Jihyo gets out of the car and runs over to the other side to open the door for Momo. She immediately takes Momo’s backpack as well and shoves it into the back of the car at lightning speed.
“I don’t remember you being into camping, but I gotta say, I’m happy to see you coming along!”
Momo feels another wave of relief hit her at the genuine excitement in Jihyo’s voice. It takes her a moment to respond, feeling a little shaky still at the prospect of this weekend-long camping trip, but Jihyo’s warm gaze encourages her. As always.
Her eyes were always a source of comfort.
Momo’s shoulders relax, a reminder of how easy it is to be around Jihyo, especially without any cameras or watching eyes. She remembers what Nayeon would tell her all the time as well, that maybe she’s imagining things, that maybe things have always been okay between the two of them. So she finds her words and they thankfully come out less shaky than how she feels.
“I mean, Nayeon unnie told you about our indoor tents right?”
Jihyo settles back into the driver’s seat, takes a sip of her Americano, and a bite of a sandwich before turning to Momo and raising her eyebrow.
“Thanks for breakfast by the way. But yeah, camping indoors is definitely not the same,” Jihyo laughs while shaking her head and smoothly getting out of the parking lot. “But glamping is pretty close. I think you chose a great opportunity to experience it, though I’m surprised you’re not going with Nayeon unnie instead.”
“I’m surprised you’re not going with Jeongyeon,” Momo retorts almost immediately, sipping on her own drink and already feeling herself sink into the car seat, but allowing herself to take a look at Jihyo’s profile.
“I think a change of pace is nice,” Jihyo responds with a shrug of her shoulders. “I’m seriously surprised to see you, but I’m really glad that you’re here.”
Momo loses her words at that and focuses a lot of attention on trying to suppress a blush. Her grip on her drink gets a little tighter and when Jihyo takes a look at her, she tries her best not to melt in the spot.
The look in her eyes. Is she expecting her to say something?
Momo licks her suddenly very dry lips, takes another sip and says, “I’m happy that you’re the one I’ll be camping with, too…But I hope you know that you’ll probably need to do everything.”
Jihyo bursts out laughing at that before flipping her hair and smirking at the older girl.
“Doing everything is what I’m good at, didn’t you know?” Jihyo lets out a smaller giggle, one that Momo savours every time she hears it, and she can’t help but smile.
Maybe this won’t be so hard after all. Maybe they can finally talk.
---
Jihyo has a driving playlist that Momo’s heard a few times before. The girls hang out pretty often, after all, and Jihyo almost always volunteered to drive. Momo basks in the sunlight and comfort of the passenger seat, engaging in some small talk with Jihyo as they get closer and closer to the wilderness.
Jihyo asks about Misamo promotions and Momo asks her about her solo stuff. They reminisce on the stress of it all and agree on the satisfaction that comes after finishing those first round of activities.
They also talk about the concert and recall some fun moments. They talk about each other’s vlogs and Jihyo teases Momo on her inability to hold a camera properly.
“We can’t all be vlogging geniuses like you,” Momo retorts with a roll of her eyes. Jihyo responds by sticking out her tongue and the two have a little laugh. It feels good, easy, natural, and Momo’s heart feels a long time weight starting to lift.
“I really enjoyed your Zyo’s Zone.Zip series,” Momo says after a moment of just listening to Jihyo’s music. She starts playing with the hem of her shirt when Jihyo’s eyebrows go up in surprise.
“You watched all of it?” Jihyo asks softly, and Momo can’t help but wonder if there is a light dusting of a blush on Jihyo’s cheeks as well.
“Of course,” Momo responds firmly, though a little quietly. She could say that she just wanted to see the part where she comes in, but that would be a lie. She never misses any of Jihyo’s vlogs, no matter the occasion. The butterflies in her stomach are going crazy again and she’s wondering if her heart is actually bouncing around in her rib cage.
There’s a beat as the current song finishes and transitions into something else. Momo looks hesitantly at Jihyo’s profile again and sees that she’s a little lost in thought.
“Thank you,” is all Jihyo says after, a shy smile on her face.
Another song passes before Jihyo is back to some small talk, commenting on which songs were her favourite on Masterpiece. Momo’s thankful that it’s not silent at least, and excitedly talks about learning the choreo for the showcase.
Eventually the two end up at their first pit stop to use the washroom, get snacks, and for Jihyo to refill the gas. Once Momo leaves to do her business, Jihyo pulls out her phone to see a message from Jeongyeon.
Two kissy faces. Is this u 2 yet?
Yoo Jeongyeon. Always so annoying.
Jihyo sends a text back after a long string of eye-rolling emojis, “Really? You couldn’t just tell me it was Momo?”
Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t have protested - but also, don’t pretend you don’t like it either. You can thank me later.
Jihyo purses her lips at the response, fighting back a blush in case Momo comes out sometime soon.
I don’t know what you’re waiting for Ji. You’ve told me yourself, the chemistry is palpable. It almost makes me sick sometimes tbh.
Jihyo groans before narrowing her eyes at her phone and texting back furiously, “I’ve also told you that I’m probably just imagining things. Momo wouldn’t be interested in me like that. She could do so much better.”
Nonsense Park Jihyo! You know she could never do better than you.
Jihyo lets out a frustrated sigh and tries to push away the uncomfortable feeling in her gut. Jeongyeon had always been supportive of Jihyo’s strange push and pull she’s been feeling towards Momo, has always been patient of the nights Jihyo rambles on after having one too many soju shots, has always been there when Jihyo made things awkward. Again. Or when Jihyo starts overthinking a situation that she felt could’ve been a lot more…normal.
She decides not to respond back yet and instead rubs her temple before paying for her gas and parking in front of the pit stop’s building. She then rubs at her tummy, wondering what she’s going to do about these feelings for three days while alone with the girl that she’s been trying (and failing to) stop thinking about almost every day since their stupid “date”.
Momo eventually returns with snacks and slips herself into the car and offers them to Jihyo. She stops though when she sees Jihyo rubbing her stomach.
“You sure you don’t have to go? It’s okay if you need to poop, I can just take a nap while I wait,” Momo says nonchalantly as she pops some chips into her mouth.
“U-Um, no it’s okay,” Jihyo says a little nervously, “I don’t have to poop, but I think I’ll do a quick pee before we go.”
Momo raises an eyebrow but just nods and flinches a bit when Jihyo practically slams the door and dashes towards the washrooms. She wonders for a moment if Jihyo is okay, but then shrugs, thinking that perhaps Jihyo just wants to hurry up and get out of here. The woman was always in a rush for some reason.
Momo takes a moment to look at her phone and it’s a bunch of texts from Nayeon. They’re all kissing emojis, which causes her to roll her eyes. It’s only been like two hours, would she be doing this all weekend?
As Momo scrolls through her other notifications, she also sees a few messages from both Mina and Sana. Small notes of encouragement and something a little obscene from Sana. It makes her laugh and fight another blush, but it eases some of the tension in her own heart.
Although it’s been a tad bit awkward, for the most part, Momo has really enjoyed the drive with Jihyo. The creatures in her stomach don’t seem to want to stop moving around, but she feels a lot more comfortable than this morning, a little courageous even.
Maybe she could find it in herself to ask about something other than their work.
---
The drive continues for another two hours before the two settle on lunch. They eat some noodles at a family restaurant and continue with the easy conversations.
Jihyo tells Momo about all of the choreo challenges she recorded and how fun they were, and Momo tells Jihyo about all of the food she ate in Japan. They eventually start exchanging stories about stray cats they’ve met as well and end their lunch with Jihyo showing Momo some recent pictures of Bbuyo.
They head back to the car and the drive continues, with the two continuing to chat here and there and catch up. Nothing super serious, but they both bask in the ease of it all and enjoy time to themselves, away from the city, away from comeback preparations and tour practices. Away from it all.
With each hour that passes Momo gets more and more comfortable with Jihyo, even finds herself laughing a lot more and even leaning in. She can get used to this. There are occasional lulls in the conversation, but it’s not a problem for either of them.
However, both are thinking about what comes next.
What happens when all the small talk is over?
“Sorry the drive is so long,” Jihyo says after a few songs pass without any conversation. “All the best places are far, so I promise it’s worth the wait.”
They’re finally in a place with no commercial buildings and the occasional cottage. There are also far fewer cars, so they must be close.
“I trust you,” Momo says as she looks out the window and admires the trees they pass by. “Honestly, a getaway is nice no matter where we go. Especially if I’m with you.”
Momo is thankful that she’s staring out the window when she says this, a little terrified of Jihyo’s reaction. Her own eyes widen a little at her incredibly lowkey confession and she bites the inside of her cheek at the slip up.
Jihyo takes a while to respond and it takes everything in Momo to not just turn and beg for some kind of reply.
“Especially with me?” Jihyo repeats in a way that makes Momo unsure if it’s an actual question or not. In a tone that Momo can’t seem to decipher.
With a deep breath, she turns around and is surprised at how soft Jihyo’s gaze is right now as she stares at the road ahead of them. She looks incredibly vulnerable, a look Momo hasn’t seen in a long time.
She rehearses the words in her head a few times, opens and shuts her mouth a few times as well.
“I like being around you, Jihyo,” Momo confesses a little quietly, grasping onto her seatbelt a little tighter. “I think I could go anywhere with you.”
Jihyo gulps at Momo’s words and wonders internally if she’s visibly sweating.
“I…” she starts, tapping the wheel a bit nervously. And then there it is, the most adorable blush on her cheeks. “I like being around you too, Momo.”
The sun is beginning to set when Jihyo’s GPS alerts them that they’re only 30 minutes away. Jihyo tightens her grip on the wheel, trying to steady herself the way she tries to steady the car on the road. She wants to look over at Momo so badly, but knows that her heart probably couldn’t take it. She wants them to arrive safely at their destination, after all.
The two become quiet after that, Jihyo’s playlist suspiciously playing more R&B love songs after. She bites the inside of her cheek and tries her hardest to not change the playlist out of panic and expose her inner thoughts.
Not that Momo would possibly even notice. The older woman is lost in her thoughts, a million questions and words that she wants to say hanging over her head. It’s only the drive over, she reminds herself. They have all weekend.
But still, she doesn’t know if she could last any longer around Jihyo without spilling her entire guts. She’s been patient for a long time, uncertain for a long time. For years actually, for longer than she can remember. The spark of hope from their earlier exchange of words causes her brain to fire so many messages.
Do it. Do it now.
“Jihyo,” she starts, turning her head to face the younger woman. Her stomach does a flip at the way the golden hour’s light reflects off Jihyo’s face, and she’s thankful that Jihyo didn’t decide to put on her sunglasses so she could admire the way the light plays with the hues in her eyes.
“Momo,” Jihyo says back with a little shaky chuckle, trying her best to hide her nerves with an uneasy smile. She hopes Momo doesn’t notice her knuckles turning white.
“Don’t bullshit me, okay?” Momo starts, understanding that there’s no way to back out of this conversation now. “There are no cameras here, no members, no managers, just me.”
Jihyo feels like she might vomit, but she nods her head.
“What do you…what did you think of our date? Do you really still feel awkward around me?” Momo feels like her words are coming out like vomit, so she pauses to steady herself so that Jihyo can hear every word that she says clearly. “Lately we’ve been hanging out more because of the tour, but I wonder if you pretend you’re okay around me for the sake of the others.”
Jihyo doesn’t answer right away. Her mind calculates all of the different responses she can say and she wonders which one would be best in this moment. She already feels so exposed, like her heart is beating out of her chest, like a confession that she doesn’t understand is crawling out of her throat, like her ears might just melt away from this heat that she’s feeling.
But Momo is patient, Momo is looking at her kindly. And her words echo in her head, a reminder that she doesn’t want any bullshit.
Momo doesn’t deserve bullshit, she deserves the truth.
Jihyo lets out a long sigh before she turns off her music, wanting this conversation to have no distractions.
“I had a lot of fun on our date, I really did. No matter what the members say, I enjoy hanging out with just the two of us,” Jihyo starts, the sky shifting into hues of purple and pink, bright oranges and reds also streaking across its expanse. They’re driving up some rough terrain, getting higher and higher.
Momo feels like she might start floating if this seat belt wasn’t holding her down.
“And quite frankly, I do still feel awkward around you,” Jihyo continues, both hands now on the wheel to steady herself. “And this is the truth, but I don’t really understand why.”
Momo stays quiet, concentrating on breathing steadily, her eyes scanning Jihyo’s face carefully.
“I’m not pretending or anything when I’m around you. I genuinely love being with you, just like the other girls. I just…” Jihyo pauses, thinks over her words carefully again, “I just have to calm my thoughts a bit more around you, if that makes sense.”
“Do you…do you have to calm your thoughts around the other girls, too?” Momo asks, feeling the courage blossoming in her chest. If Jihyo can be vulnerable, she can be too.
Jihyo takes a sharp inhale of breath at the question, exhales as she slumps a little, “Honestly, no.”
Momo is glad that the music was turned off, because she barely heard that. Almost wonders if she imagined Jihyo’s answer.
“What are you even thinking about?” she challenges her, furrowing her brow.
Jihyo bites her bottom lip, and Momo doesn’t miss it at all. Her face turns red and Jihyo begins to smack her cheeks before she opens the window a bit to let in some cool, mountain air.
“W-We’re almost there,” she says pathetically as their glamping cabin comes into view. “I promise we can keep talking about this, but maybe we can settle in first?”
There’s a bit of strain in Jihyo’s voice and Momo feels a little sceptical. She wants to know Jihyo’s answer so badly, and is already having some thoughts with the way Jihyo’s blushing. But she understands that this conversation is a bit heavy and also understands that her stomach is feeling a bit empty despite the insistent butterflies.
“Sure, let’s settle in, and I’ll cook us dinner,” Momo almost giggles at the look on Jihyo’s I-want-to-do-everything face. “No helping, okay? You did a lot of driving, so get changed and stuff first. Nayeonnie told me there’s a shower here and everything, so go ahead.”
Jihyo nods slowly and reluctantly, feels her own stomach growl, “Thanks Momo. I’m sorry to end it there-”
“No need for an apology,” Momo interrupts her as she opens the car door, “As long as we continue after we eat.”
Jihyo gulps hard at this, nods and rushes to start unpacking their stuff.
---
The glamping cabin is pretty luxurious, not that Momo has much of a reference point. It almost feels like a rustic hotel with how comfy it feels. It’s good though, because if Momo had to deal with the physical elements on top of the mess that’s going on in her head, she might have to walk back to Seoul herself.
Momo feels unbelievably anxious about having to wait longer for Jihyo’s answer, but she’s easily distracted by cooking their dinner. She knows Jihyo put away some meat and veggies into their cooler, so she starts by cooking some rice on a hotplate and using the charcoal barbecue behind their little cabin to grill some of the meat and cut up veggies. Nothing too fancy, just simple salt and pepper with some blistered peppers and roasted garlic. She puts the rest of their ingredients in the small fridge provided in their cabin, and cuts up some kimchi for them as well, a gift from Jeongyeon’s family.
When everything is done, she puts together a bowl of food for both of them and starts to set it up on a table.
Normally, she would wait for Jihyo to come back so that they could eat together, but she’s starving and she wants a chance to ponder her thoughts in the shower. She inhales her food and feels satisfied with her work, content that Jihyo will probably enjoy her food as well.
At that thought, Jihyo comes out of the other room after her shower and settling in, a deep crimson on her face.
“Um,” she starts, not looking at Momo directly. “There’s only one bed.”
Momo is thankful her food is done, or else she’s certain she would have choked.
“Oh,” she mumbles, trying not to allow the fireworks going off in her head to show, “I’m okay with sharing if you are?”
“Y-Yeah, of course I’m okay with it,” Jihyo replies, her hands playing with the hem of her oversized t-shirt. Momo tries not to coo at how cute and small Jihyo looks in the white oversized shirt and black shorts that can barely be seen. “I just wanted to be sure you are.”
Momo nods and gets up, trying her best to save Jihyo from her embarrassment
“Sorry, I ate first, I was really hungry,” she puts away her dish and faces Jihyo but doesn’t look her in the eyes, “I was thinking, you can eat and I can freshen up, and we can continue our talk after?”
Jihyo nods before her eyes wander to the bowl of food, “Looks really good Momo, thanks a lot.”
“Thank you for driving, it’s the least I can do. I’ll be cooking all weekend, by the way. No arguments.”
The crestfallen look on Jihyo makes Momo giggle despite the tension she feels in her body.
“But…” Jihyo mumbles, almost whines, but she settles on a pout.
“No, it’s what I’m best at. Let Chef Mo take care of you, you deserve to rest. Now if you’ll excuse me.”
Momo dashes out of there, refusing to let Jihyo get another word in. The smaller girl sighs as soon as the door shuts behind Momo and she makes her way to the counter where her food is. She smiles to herself as she smells the bowl of food, knowing for sure that Momo’s cooking will taste incredible. The blush on her cheeks start to calm down as she lets herself be taken care of through this meal, and feels her insides start to turn to mush at the thought of Momo cooking for her all weekend.
But then the reminder that their conversation will be continuing soon hits her, and Jihyo lets out a sigh.
Pull it together, Park Jihyo!
---
After she finishes her meal, Jihyo puts on music and spends time putting away all of their stuff properly. She multitasks and keeps herself busy as she thinks about what she wants to tell Momo.
She’s thankful that there’s no phone reception here, knowing for certain what Jeongyeon would be messaging her at this time. Still, she could use a bit of encouragement, maybe even a bit of guidance.
But she knows that she needs to be brave, not even just for her sake, but Momo’s too. There’s clearly something Momo wants to sort out between the two of them, but Jihyo’s worst fear is that she makes things even more awkward by telling her how she really feels. It’s the main reason she’s kept so quiet for so long. Not even because of how she feels, but because she herself doesn’t even truly understand it. She wonders if it’s because she doesn’t have any words for it, or if it’s because she hasn’t allowed herself to put her feelings into words. Every time she thinks about her convoluted feelings, it makes her contemplate if maybe she had crossed a line some time in the past, or if she had unintentionally made Momo feel uncomfortable around her.
She hates being so self-conscious and self-aware, hates how overly observant she can be. Hates the thoughts that overflow in her mind, hates that she recognizes how irrational a lot of those thoughts can be.
Still, she can’t control herself.
In the past year, Jihyo has had a lot of time to reflect on her wants and needs outside of being TWICE’s leader, TWICE’s Jihyo. In the past year or so, she’s started to really piece together that she’s probably attracted to women, amongst other self discoveries. In the past year or so, she’s also started to accept that maybe once upon a time, that thought terrified her, but now, she could care less.
She’s worked hard all her life, she could do whatever she wanted, be whatever she wanted.
But how does that work when her attraction to women bleeds into her work? How does that work when she realizes that a lot of the reasons that she might have felt awkward around Momo was because of her stupid gay thoughts? How is that fair to Momo?
It’s a thought that’s occurred to her before, a thought that she’s analyzed and removed from her brain, then remembered, and over-analyzed in the middle of the night, then banished from her brain again.
Her push and pull with Momo, her allowing herself to feel closer to Momo, but then pulling back when it feels like it’s too much. Feeling like she’s wanting so much, and feeling guilty that this attraction is happening with someone she respects and loves. But also wondering if there’s a possibility for some kind of reciprocation, feeling guilty in having hope for that, feeling all kinds of things from the words Momo’s said to her today.
Maybe it isn’t in her imagination anymore, maybe it does feel more real now, the palpable chemistry she feels between the two of them. But Jihyo respects Momo too much to make the first move, to do anything about it without her consent. She loves Momo too much to allow her running-a-mile-a-minute thoughts to ruin the relationship they have.
But she owes Momo answers to her questions, owes Momo truthful answers not laced with anxiety and assumptions that she’s claiming herself.
She doesn’t realize that she’s been zoning out while thinking about all of this, until Momo snaps her fingers in front of Jihyo.
“Hey, you okay?” she asks, her face filled with concern. “Maybe we should head to bed now?”
Jihyo can’t lie, she’s tired. But the thought of going to bed right now is a bit too much.
Especially that single bed. Lying there, with words left unsaid?
“No, let’s talk,” she responds with a small smile, “I still have a bit of energy.”
“Are you sure? I can wait until tomorrow,” Momo insists, frowning deeply since she can clearly see exhaustion on Jihyo’s face.
Jihyo grabs Momo’s hand and tugs her down to sit next to her on the couch.
“I’ve kept you waiting long enough, let’s get this over with before I explode.”
Jihyo closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She feels Momo’s hand still in her own, feels Momo squeeze it very hesitantly, very lightly. Jihyo interlocks their fingers and squeezes more firmly to ground herself, Momo squeezes back before running a thumb over the back of her palm.
Here it goes.
“What I think about when you’re around me…I don’t know, none of it really makes any sense,” Jihyo starts, eyes staring at the ground despite Momo’s proximity. She feels a little pathetic, but she doesn’t know if she’ll have the strength to say anything if she sees the older woman’s intense gaze.
“It’s nothing coherent, but it’s noisy, and it makes me nervous around you and it sometimes comes off as awkward. I’m really sorry about that. But also, I hesitate a lot because it feels like you might be the one feeling uncomfortable around me. On days where my mind feels clearer, I feel like you’re the one that doesn’t want to stay close to me. I wonder if I’m making up stuff, if I’m the one to blame, but then I remember that we’re all exhausted all the time, and I shouldn’t be taking anything personally. It’s a lot really, but I’m sorry, it really doesn’t make any sense and I don’t even know if this is really answering your question. But it’s a problem because these thoughts make it so hard to act naturally around you sometimes, especially when everyone else is there too.”
Fair.
It took Momo a long time to understand what was on her mind as well. She’s pretty sure she had a really similar thought process too. She also used to wonder if her thoughts and feelings were influenced by the presence of the other girls, by the pressure that came with having to perform as a group and not do anything to risk their bond.
It’s not the clear cut answer she was hoping for, but Momo knows very well what it’s like to overthink things, to let anxiety take the wheel. She wonders how she can alleviate this, if she should alleviate it by just letting Jihyo know how she feels.
But there’s no rush, she tells herself, despite the knot in her chest. And her stomach. And her throat.
“Well,” she manages to force out, “I guess we can figure this stuff out together this weekend, huh?”
Jihyo makes a sound of relief before she rubs at her temple, “I would like to, yeah.”
The two sit in silence for a while, letting Jihyo’s music permeate through the tension around them. Jihyo isn’t entirely sure if she’s said anything that actually makes sense and Momo is unsure of what to do next.
The two get lost in their own thoughts, not really paying attention to the fact that they’re still holding hands, both certain and also uncertain of what’s going on between them.
---
After some time, the two start with a bit of small talk about how nice the place is before they talk about how they won’t be spending New Year’s together this year. They’re not holding hands anymore, the two reluctantly letting go when Jihyo proposed they sit by the fire outside and both being unsure how to do it again once their chairs were set up against each other. But they’re leaning against each other, silently enjoying the warmth coming from the other’s body in addition to the cozy fire.
Jihyo congratulates Momo on their very important end of the year performance, and Momo admits her anxieties around it.
“It’s crazy to me how nervous you can be about performing when you’re literally the best there is,” Jihyo says with a laugh and a playful slap on Momo’s leg. “Misamo are outstanding performers as a unit, but Momo, there’s seriously no one like you.”
Momo blushes instantly at this, especially after all the weird tension in the air that’s been there since they’ve arrived. She doesn’t expend effort to hold back her blush, instead, hiding her head in her hands.
“I don’t look as pretty as you do when you perform,” Momo responds, refusing to look Jihyo in the eyes. “I take pride in being the better dancer between us, but your expressions and the lines of your body are incredibly captivating.” She says all this to the fire despite Jihyo being right beside her.
Jihyo pays attention to that. Pays attention to the pink that spreads across Momo’s cheeks that flows to the tips of her ears. Pays attention to how she bites her bottom lip, how her eyes refuse to face her. Pays attention to how the older woman is practically glowing now with the heat and light of the fire against her face.
All she can hear is her heartbeat now, but she tries to shake off the compliment, just like always.
“Oh please, here you go again,” she scoffs, pushing gently against Momo’s shoulder. “You’re always complimenting me.”
“Seriously!” Momo whines, this time turning to Jihyo with a huff. “I don’t think I blink even once when I watch your fancams!”
Jihyo is taken aback by the confession, eyes widening as Momo covers her mouth in shock at her own words.
“You mean my solo stages, right?” Jihyo asks slowly, nervously, a little hopefully, though she prays that Momo doesn’t sense that part.
“Y-Yeah…sure,” Momo replies weakly. “I especially like the Closer performance.”
“Ohh, yeah me too! It’s a lot of fun, right?” Jihyo gets excited, gets up and starts to do the choreo a little, singing a bit of it as well.
Momo blushes again and mutters, “Fun, sure,” under her breath. She smiles though, especially when Jihyo pulls her out of her chair and invites her to dance with her. Momo’s learned the choreo before, knows it fairly loosely. But she lets Jihyo guide her and soaks in their laughter, imprints this memory into her mind forever.
---
After it gets a little too cold, Jihyo puts out the fire and the two return inside, unwinding through the rest of the night through short bursts of chatter, feeling a bit more at ease after the confusing conversations from earlier.
Jihyo reconsiders her angle, while Momo wonders if she needs to just say something outright. Her thoughts race as she brushes her teeth and stares at herself in the mirror.
Are we both just idiots? She can’t help but wonder. Nayeon tells her that all the time, but also, what does Nayeon know?
What does anyone know, really? No one can know anything if no one communicates anything.
Probably some of the wisest words Nayeon has ever bestowed upon her. Still, it’s terrifying to communicate approximately nine years worth of feelings, not knowing what could happen next. God, how does anyone succinctly and accurately say their feelings? Especially feelings as big as these?
When she finishes, she exits the bathroom and Jihyo goes in to do her night time routine. Though they briefly talked about being comfortable with sharing a bed, as the night grows darker and the two finish getting ready to sleep, the idea of sleeping together resurfaces, making Momo flustered.
She stands at the edge of the bed, loose white shirt and cute pink pyjama pants on, teeth freshly brushed and face freshly moisturized. She stares at the bed, then at the washroom area where Jihyo is brushing her own teeth, wondering if it’d be more awkward to wait for Jihyo to get in bed first, or if she should just go ahead.
Momo fights the blush going to her face at the reality she’s about to face, and feels a sense of relief when Jihyo turns down the light as soon as she gets in.
She still doesn’t know what to do, but at least Jihyo can’t really see her standing there awkwardly.
She waits a moment and then hears Jihyo shuffling into bed.
“Is there um…Is there a side you prefer?” she asks softly, and Momo can’t help but wonder if she’s not the only one feeling jittery right now.
“I don’t,” she responds simply, taking slow and shaky steps towards the bed. “I-I’ll just go where it’s empty, um, if that’s okay.”
Jihyo laughs lowly, it’s genuine, albeit a little nervous. “Of course, there’s plenty of room for the both of us.”
After Momo finds her way into the bed, she tries her absolute hardest to not touch Jihyo as she settles down. But the harder she tries not to touch Jihyo, the more stiff her movements are, and the more obvious it is that she’s trying really hard to avoid her. She even tries her best to control her breathing, trying not to let it be obvious how much she’s losing it at being this close to her. Jihyo is so warm and these blankets are feeling even warmer, and have these pyjamas always been this warm?
Despite the faint smell of the campfire from earlier, Jihyo also smells impossibly good. Momo wonders how she’ll survive the night, feeling her senses become overloaded.
The two lie in silence for a bit, Momo shutting her eyes tight and hoping that sleep will just take her and get it over with. Jihyo is conscious of this though, occasionally looking at Momo trying her hardest to just let the night pass. She wants to laugh at how hard Momo is trying, but a part of her also just feels more and more nervous.
Jihyo turns her head to face her, “Momo, are you really okay with this?” she asks, concern lacing her every word. “I-I can sleep on the floor, if that’s more comfortable. It’s not a problem for me really, I-”
Before Jihyo can finish her sentence, Momo takes a deep breath and turns over, puts an arm over Jihyo, but she’s not looking at her. Instead, her gaze is cast downwards, but she grips Jihyo’s shirt, pulls her closer.
“Stay, please.”
Jihyo gulps at the tenderness and desperation in Momo’s voice. Wonders if she heard that right, wonders if she’s imagining the tight hold Momo has on her shirt, the faint whimper of her voice.
Neither of them will sleep if she doesn’t do this. The weekend will continue with a stupid game of push and pull, they will continue to dance around each other, they will continue to enter each other’s orbit but be too scared to land.
It’s now or never.
Jihyo nods, flexes her hand before she tentatively reaches out to touch Momo’s chin and pushes her face upwards so they can look at each other properly. She feels the warmth of her cheeks, feels goosebumps run down the back of her neck at Momo’s breath being so close to her own. But she takes it, grabs onto the surge of confidence filling her body.
“Momo, this is all really confusing for me,” she says in the softest voice Momo has ever heard. “We used to be so close and I know that we grew up and got busy and things change with time, but I always wondered if I did something wrong, if maybe one day I crossed a line, if I’m the reason behind all this uncertainty and awkwardness between us.”
Momo doesn’t say anything, only tightening the grip she has on Jihyo’s shirt as the younger girl continues.
“Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy how playful we are. I love bickering with you and even when the members tease us about being awkward, I always thought of it as something funny, like an inside joke just between the two of us. There’s this strange feeling that comes with our awkwardness, but I don’t hate it or anything. It’s fun, it’s exhilarating, and it makes me happy.” Jihyo takes a deep breath as her hand cups Momo’s cheek. Automatically, Momo leans into her hand and she’s thankful for the darkness for covering up her blush, which only darkens when Jihyo lets out a pleased sound at her response.
“But seriously, if I ever did anything to make our dynamic change years ago, if I ever made you uncomfortable, if I ever upset you, please let me know so we can talk it out. I want to fix anything that I’ve done and I want to take advantage of us being alone here for the weekend.”
It’s selfish, Jihyo thinks. She doesn’t know what to make of herself, so she forces the decision upon Momo. But she doesn’t trust herself enough, it’s the only way.
“I’m not great with words, especially around you,” she adds on quickly, with a little bit of shame, wondering if she’s about to take back the confidence that’s allowing her the strength to have one hand wrapped around Momo’s waist, pulling her so that they’re flush against each other.
Momo doesn’t respond immediately, thoughts racing endlessly across her mind. She feels guilty at Jihyo’s words, at her genuine desire to fix whatever barrier there is between them. Her stomach churns as she thinks about how her feelings have gotten in the way of so much, of how still in this moment, with Jihyo being so vulnerable and pleading, she can’t find it in herself to explain her behaviour. Her mouth opens, but words fail to come out. It’s so hard, despite how close they are. Is it harder because of how close they are?
How did we get here? How is this supposed to work out?
“I can’t say I’ve never been frustrated about not knowing what’s changed, whether it’s a me problem or a you problem, but I’ve always wanted to respect your space. I was always worried about making it worse…Worried that…” Jihyo takes a deep breath to steady herself, slow down a second, “W-We don’t have to talk anymore if you don’t want to say anything. Just forget about it, and tomorrow we can just go on a hike and continue our trip.”
Momo’s grip gets tighter when Jihyo’s hand strays away from her face, when she feels her shaking. She reaches a hand up, trapping Jihyo’s hand in between her own and her face, begging for that warmth to stay. Jihyo seems to understand, her fingers stroking lightly against her cheeks.
“When you’re ready, I’ll be here to listen. But if you never want to talk about it, I’m okay with that too,” Jihyo says in an almost whisper. “You’re important to me, Momo, and I just want things between us to be okay.”
A beat.
Momo curses Jihyo’s giant, brown, beautiful eyes that hold so much in them. She curses how despite how dark it is, they still shine when she can barely see anything. She curses the wetness that forms around Jihyo’s eyes as she tries to hold back tears.
“I’ll tell you what’s changed,” Momo finally responds, voice a little hoarse from trying to hold herself back, her hands going up to wipe the tears that Jihyo looks surprised about as they fall down her cheeks. “But you have to promise me that we’ll be okay after.”
Jihyo nods furiously at that, her eyes somehow widening even more in anticipation.
“I…” Momo begins, swallowing the first of many lumps that have formed in her throat, “Jihyo, you haven’t done anything wrong. You never have. Sometimes you’re pushy and annoying, but you’ve never hurt me or made me uncomfortable.”
Jiho scoffs at Momo’s bluntness, but the slightest smile forms on her face as she urges Momo to go on with her eyes.
“This is all my fault really,” she chuckles to herself, “You know I’ve always been shy and a little awkward and...I…”
Momo holds Jihyo’s gaze, grabs every ounce of courage she can gather, and presses herself impossibly closer for good measure as the confession spills from her lips.
“Jihyo…I think you’re probably the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I’m serious, and I’m going to be blunt: I’m pretty sure the awkwardness between us started because I realized that I’m stupidly attracted to you. Despite how close we are or how long I’ve known you, it’s hard to be in close proximity or look you in the eye without feeling like I’m 10 seconds away from kissing you. So…so the easiest thing to do when I feel that overwhelming urge is to just take a step back. And-and I guess you picked up on that, and I’m sorry it came out the way it did, I just…I didn’t know how to handle it better.”
Momo doesn’t remember at which point her own tears started to flow, doesn’t realize that she’s soaking Jihyo’s t-shirt in her blobs of tears. Doesn’t even care that snot is coming out.
Jihyo doesn’t care either, her hand rubbing circles into Momo’s back, her mind processing everything Momo just said. She lets the older woman cry, lets her get her emotions out, even pulls Momo closer to her chest despite knowing that she can definitely hear how fast her heart is beating right now.
“You…You want to kiss me?” Jihyo says a little dumbly, almost a full minute after Momo’s last sniffle.
Momo laughs at that incredulously, using Jihyo’s shirt as her personal handkerchief, not realizing she’s lifting it so much that she’s grazing her hand against Jihyo’s abdomen.
“I want to do more than that,” she admits, refusing to look Jihyo in the eyes, at first clenching and unclenching her hand around Jihyo’s shirt. Then her hands wander, desire filling her stomach, fire and adrenaline driving her mind crazy.
Jihyo’s face turns completely crimson, the colour reaching her neck and even colouring her chest. She feels her body shiver, her skin heating up with every touch of Momo’s fingers under her shirt.
“Do you…want to kiss me too?” Momo asks, finally looking up. Her voice a tone that Jihyo’s only ever allowed herself to imagine.
Her eyes are wide, blown out, and the corners are dripping with remnant tears. Jihyo wipes them away with her fingers, smiles at Momo sheepishly.
“I do,” she whispers, leaning closer, licking her lips, “I also want to do more than…more than kiss.”
“We have all weekend,” Momo giggles, filled with an unbelievable amount of happiness.
Jihyo smirks at her but doesn’t respond, only closing the gap between them and pushing her lips against Momo’s. It’s messy, both of their tears still present, their salt reaching their tongues. But they don’t care, getting lost in each other, hands wandering.
While the first press was soft, their hunger for each other pushes past walls built by years of fear and uncertainty. Momo is the first to open her mouth, inviting Jihyo’s tongue inside and causing the younger girl to moan.
The two make out and allow the tension to begin to dissipate, expending energy that’s been building up since debut. Momo eventually pushes Jihyo against the bed, flips her over and straddles her.
“We still get to go hiking, right?” Jihyo asks as Momo starts to pull off her shirt.
“You’re joking, right?” Momo whines as she starts tugging Jihyo’s shirt off as well. She sees the serious look in Jihyo’s eyes but decides to ignore it, knowing that she does not want to waste anymore time.
“I-I had a whole weekend of adventure planned for us,” Jihyo gasps out as Momo leans down and starts leaving feather light kisses against her neck. “It’s really uh…it’s um,” she struggles to speak more when Momo starts to nibble on her ear lobe.
“Baby, if you have more energy after tonight, we can do whatever you want,” Momo whispers into her ear before capturing her lips again. “We can go hiking if your legs still work tomorrow, I mean.”
Jihyo decides then that maybe staying in bed all weekend with Momo is an adventure all on its own.
And that maybe she owes Jeongyeon a gift, too.