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Caitlyn was relieved to come home after therapy, albeit every step she took inside felt heavier than the last. She was still recovering from her most recent depressive episode and was trying to get back on track with her treatment and taking care of herself, but it hadn’t been easy. The night before, she’d gotten dizzy when the smell of spaghetti with meat sauce made her nauseous (she still didn’t know why, as she always liked spaghetti and definitely wasn’t a vegetarian or allergic to any of its ingredients) and she tried to get up quickly in a panic. She figured it was because before dinnertime, the only thing she’d felt like eating was a bagel, and she couldn’t go much longer on so little nourishment.
Today, though, she was just plain tired from her appointment, and beforehand, she hadn’t had the energy to do much more than throw on a hoodie and some yoga pants before heading out the door. Then she realized she felt guilty about not showering or looking nicer, even though she knew therapy was no place to worry about appearances, so she forced herself to apply extra deodorant and body spray before leaving.
It somewhat helped that Janet had been coming over after work to check in on her and had helped her restock groceries and make her meals, among other things, but now Caitlyn wasn’t sure how she felt about having her mother’s company or the fact that she was talking to Ellie about how things were going. It’s just concern, Caitlyn reminded herself. She’s my mom and she’s a doctor; of course she’s being protective. But it seems to be a little too much? I don’t know. At the same time, I’m not annoyed enough to ask her to leave, and she is picking up on when I need privacy or sleep.
However, she forgot about her stress when she saw Janet was busy at the stove, and she immediately went over for a hug, which made her feel more comfortable. “Thank you so much for cooking again,” she said. “I couldn’t really do it right now. What are you firing up?”
“Nothing special,” Janet replied, hugging her back. “Just grilled cheese and tomato soup. It’s the ultimate feel-good meal. I could tell you weren’t in the mood to do something more elaborate. Is that OK with you? I even got us each a pint of ice cream to have for dessert…peanut butter and chocolate for you, and chocolate chip cookie dough for me.”
“That’s really sweet. Don’t be too disappointed if I’m not in the mood, though. And you’ve done so much for me already with organizing vitamins and everything, not to mention all the vegetables, rice, and chicken you brought over so I don’t have to put too much thought into dinners on my crappy days. Oh, and I liked that you bought oatmeal too…I haven’t had that in years. There’s so much green in the refrigerator it looks like a garden, though.”
“That’s how it should look. You need to eat healthy right now. But I figured there are worse things than grilled cheese and soup. Ellie did tell me you seem to be doing better physically today; normal vitals and not as much of a stomach ache. I was worried you’d have to go to the hospital for fluids.”
“I was too.” Caitlyn sighed, knowing she didn’t want that. She had done the bare minimum to keep herself fed and hydrated because she was afraid of needing to be hospitalized for depression treatment. Although her psychiatrist was at Northwestern, she feared ending up at either County or Mercy where no doubt gossip would get around about her condition. Furthermore, even before her latest episode, she always worried what would happen if her coworkers or supervisor at Mercy didn’t think she could handle being a nurse or were hesitant to work with her. Fortunately, everyone she worked with, and even those of Janet’s colleagues she’d met, were nothing but supportive when she told them about her depression and her treatment plan.
When the sandwiches and soup were ready, Janet made up the plates and scooped out soup, and then they sat down across from each other. Ellie was working a double for second and third shifts, so Caitlyn was happy to have some mother-daughter time.
“How was therapy?” Janet asked.
“I’m exhausted,” Caitlyn replied. “Kathleen spent extra time with me today since she had a cancellation; I apologized to her for talking so much and keeping her…God, I must have said that like three times. She kept telling me it was fine; she was really patient, and she even said that since this was an urgent issue and we don’t usually run long, she wouldn’t bill me for the extra 30 minutes. I…you know…I didn’t even know I could blab so much until everything just…came out. I don’t even think I said that much to you or Ellie these last few days.”
“Anything in particular still on your mind?”
“The whole beating myself up thing. I can’t stop hating myself for this. I feel terrible about the imposition I’m being to everyone. And you know what sucks more? The fact that this is what got me to reconnect with Becca. I didn’t tell you, she noticed on Facebook that I posted about not feeling well and she reached out to say she’s sorry we haven’t talked in a while but she hopes everything’s OK. So, you know, I dumped on her too. I wish that didn’t have to be our first connection in ages, and I bet she wishes that I focused more on what’s going on in her life. I’m so envious of her right now…she has this great boyfriend and they’re expecting a baby boy and she’s so happy. I’m falling apart and could barely pull myself out of bed until what…yesterday? I mean, we grew apart after college so it’s not like we were in some fight…but…”
“Why would you resent that this is what got you to talk to a friend?” Janet put down her spoon and looked concerned. “Or about life happening? Look, this year is the first time I’m talking to Abby and Kerry about visiting their new cities since they moved away. Greg and I have been split up for a little less than a year, and we just had a dinner date a couple weeks ago. Now we’re thinking of getting back together. I miss him and my friends, but life gets busy. People have problems. All that means you may not get to talk to your friends or spend time with them when you want to. But regardless, sometimes those problems and rough patches make you realize who your friends are. Kerry has been there for me since I first started recovery; the fact that we’ve gone in different directions in our personal lives and careers doesn’t make our friendship any less significant. Does it help to think of it that way?”
“A little, and I see what you mean. I just wish that we could’ve reconnected under normal circumstances and I were happier right now so I could really support her during her pregnancy. But, Kathleen asked me what my reaction was when Becca messaged me. She asked if I felt guilty when I saw it, or did I think it was nice that a friend checked on me? And you know…I did kind of smile for the first time in days when I read what she wrote. Like even though she’s settling down, she still reached out to me and showed me she cared.”
“I like that question. If Becca didn’t care about you anymore, she would’ve never taken the time to reach out. She wants to listen to what you have to say and try to help. You are loved. Don’t forget that, and definitely don’t feel bad about talking to your therapist or your friends.”
“I know. I guess I still think people don’t want to hear it.” Caitlyn took a bite of her grilled cheese. “Oh my gosh…I have to tell you this is filling. It’s cooked just right.” She dipped the sandwich in the soup and took a few more bites. “It’s amazing how all of a sudden, my issues kind of feel further away. I don’t know, maybe it’s taking me back to being younger and visiting you on the weekends, where we’d get pizza a lot or you encouraged me and Drew to try a new food, like a casserole or something. Or even with the ice cream tonight…I remember how you’d make us cookies, and even though it was a box mix, I knew you just wanted to make our visits special and were doing your best.”
“I’ll go away anytime you say the word, but I wanted to help.” Janet said. “And after you’re done eating—take your time by the way, please—I want to show you something, so let’s go to your room.”
“I can’t wait.”
After dinner, Caitlyn slowly stood up to ensure she didn’t get dizzy and then followed Janet to her bedroom.
“You’re walking kind of fast,” she said nervously. “Do I have to worry about what’s behind the door?”
“Not at all. I hope you like it. Do you want to open the door, or do you want me to do the unveiling?”
“Ummm…I don’t know now… Actually. Yeah, you can show me.”
“Good. Because I can’t wait for you to see this.”
Janet opened the door, and Caitlyn walked in. She gasped and her eyes filled with tears when she looked around. The carpet had been vacuumed. Her bed was freshly made, with a new set of sheets, and her messy nightstand had been cleaned off and dusted. There was a fresh box of Kleenex sitting on it next to the lamp and a couple of pictures that had once been on her dresser. One of the pictures caught her eye as soon as she walked closer: it was her and Becca, in their cheerleading uniforms, holding their pom-poms and standing close together. She picked up the frame and held it, trying to take herself back to a time when she felt happier and lighter, doing sideline cheers and dances at weekend football games. She and Becca always tried to stand next to each other on the track or sit together on the bleachers during basketball season.
“It was like you knew I’d get back in touch with her,” she told Janet.
“Now, if you want me to move the pictures back, I will, but I thought maybe you’d be more comforted if you could look over and see the faces of people who love you.” Janet explained. “What do you think?”
“You had the right idea. For now, I’ll keep them here. And…you did all this cleaning?”
“I didn’t want you to worry about it. You know I’m a neat freak, of course, but I didn’t do this because the mess was bothering me. I want you to feel like this is your oasis when you need to get away from it all.”
“I can’t believe you would clean my room,” Caitlyn said, trying to smile. “It looks really nice. I mean, I know I should be doing that for myself now, and I promise I planned to clean it once I started feeling better, but…”
“But nothing. I could tell you’ve been drowning. Don’t feel guilty about accepting help from me or Becca or staying late at therapy, or anything like that, OK? I understand where you’re coming from because for the longest time, I struggled with asking for help and believing I was worth anything. I don’t want you to feel that way.
“Here…maybe we should try something else. Come sit in front of your mirror.”
“Sure.” Caitlyn looked apprehensive, but sat down on the floor. “Is this OK or should I sit in the chair or on my stool?”
“I can manage. You know, yesterday I jumped on a gurney and held a baby’s head in until I could get the mom up to OB because I did not want her to push in the ambulance bay. I’m not as old as you think.” Janet laughed and sat down next to Caitlyn and started brushing her hair.
“I’m going back to my younger days again,” Caitlyn said softly. “ I know I’ve said there weren’t a lot of good moments in my childhood at times, but this was always one of my favorite things you did for me before bedtime or in the morning if I asked you to help me get ready for school. I liked spending time with you and just talking about all that crazy hormonal teenage girl stuff. I still like how this feels too; you’ve always had just the right touch.”
“What else are you thinking about right now?” Janet asked.
“That this is a pleasant surprise given how old I am now.” Caitlyn paused and played with her bracelet, and she started crying. “I’m so overwhelmed…sorry. To see that you put all this time into making up my room again and trying to make it a better space for me after I just laid there for days not caring how it looked, and cooking for me and now I’m just sitting here remembering a positive part of our past…things feel so much simpler. And…this is really making me see how much you love me.”
“I’m happy to hear that. Here’s another question: are you any closer to loving yourself now that you’re working through your emotions out loud?”
“I’m not sure yet. But…I see your point. If I weren’t appreciated and didn’t have good relationships with you and my friends, I wouldn’t have anyone to rally around me like I’ve had the last few days. Ellie was being a bit of a nag, but even asking if she could check my blood pressure was her way of showing me care, that she wanted to make sure I was in good shape. You obviously put a lot of effort into my room…you thought I was worth that to you. And Becca checked on me because she hasn’t forgotten how close we once were and she wanted to show me that she could still be there for me. And…I really appreciate you fixing my hair. It’s going to go a long way in helping me feel like I’m bouncing back. I just don’t want to put on makeup or change or anything cause I’m otherwise really cozy.”
“I don’t blame you. You don’t have to dress up to sit at home with me anyway. But you are important and worth this effort. And while I’m glad we have a good relationship and that you have a lot of friends, the most important thing is that you have to accept yourself first.
“The reason why I had you sit in front of the mirror is because I still remember when Nancy told me to start looking in my mirror every day and reflect on myself. It was meant to go beyond checking how I looked before I walked out the door. She wanted me to use that time to be honest, whether I was feeling good or having a crappy day. I remember staring at my reflection some days feeling like things couldn’t get any worse or trying to acknowledge where I had screwed up at work, or regretted not sharing at AA when I wanted to get something off my chest. But there were other days when I looked in the mirror and appreciated my bravery to keep working on my program or to take the step in sponsoring someone. Or when Greg would compliment my hair and tell me how beautiful I looked when it was loose, I’d admire it and try to celebrate it as one of my best features. Since he saw it in me, I wanted to see the same thing and take pride in my appearance.
“That’s not saying you also have to be happy with your hair, because that’s not the point. It’s a matter of some day, even if you’re just in front of the mirror to put your hair in a headband before work, or you’re walking by to open your window, or whatever, I hope you take that minute to be proud of yourself and truthful with where you’re at. I know every time I had a positive thought, it helped me realize I was becoming a better person, which in turn made me believe I was worth it.”
“I understand. You’ve always worked hard, whether at being sober or trying to be a good mother. I know I got angry with you sometimes when I was younger and I still try to have some boundaries now, but I still give you credit for everything you’ve accomplished. And you’re a great doctor. You and Dad had your disagreements for sure, but even after you guys divorced, he always talked to me and Drew about how hard you worked to have a good career, or how much you care for your patients. I’m sure you’re a good friend too, since you sponsor someone in AA and all.”
“Do you think you can apply some of that to yourself from now on?” Janet asked. “I appreciate you telling me all of that, and I know this may not be an easy exercise for you at first, but think of what you’d say to a friend or me if we were struggling. You wouldn’t tell us we were worthless or roll your eyes if we were too overwhelmed to cook dinner, would you?”
“Definitely not.” Caitlyn replied. “When I’m talking to the parents of my patients, I always try to assure them that their worries about their kids are valid and that it’s understandable if they’re overwhelmed by all the procedures or medications. It’s just easier said than done to tell myself those things.”
“Believe me, I get it. Nancy always tried to get me to build myself up, though, even when I couldn’t. Did she push me hard and challenge me to stay focused on the program? Of course; that was her role, and she fully embraced it. But she also couldn’t wait to celebrate my victories. So, why don’t we do that right now? I think it’s great that you’re sitting here with me, and I’m happy that you’ve made it out of bed and are starting to get yourself back on track. You may think it’s only a baby step or that you’re not doing much, but sometimes that’s all you need.”
“I’m glad I responded to Becca,” Caitlyn said. “She said when I’m feeling better, we can have dinner or something. I do want to spend time with her before the baby comes and be healthy enough to meet him.
“Now I can see a little more of where you’re coming from. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too. No matter what.” Janet reached over to give Caitlyn another hug and rubbed her back. “Now, why don’t you say we go have that ice cream if you’re up to it?”
“Are you sure? After that big talk on healthy eating, you want me to have dessert?”
“Let’s just say that everyone needs a treat once in a while.” They shared a laugh and headed back out to the kitchen to grab their pints of ice cream and dig in.