Work Text:
The snow crunches beneath Theo’s boots, loud enough to fill the preserve’s silence, but quiet enough to be muffled under the accompanying sound of crunching leaves. It’s his usual trek, the one he’s taken so many times he stopped counting, the steps engraved so deeply in his mind he could walk it in his sleep. The cold air bites at his skin, leaving his cheeks tinted a soft shade of pink. The same shade of pink that his knuckles are as he clutches the flowers tighter between his frozen fingers, like he’s afraid they’re going to fall out of his grasp at any moment.
His steps slow as he reaches the bridge, that all too familiar ache spreading in his chest as he looks down at the frozen water below the now rotting wooden planks. He’s careful as he crosses the bridge, ignoring the wood groaning in protest at the newfound weight, coming to a stop in the middle.
The woods are silent, save for his soft puffs of air, the only signal of life in the area as far as he can tell. He’s alone, which is entirely unrelated to the way his eyes start tingling and his nose twitches. It's cold out, even for December, and it’s not like he’s dressed well for it, plain and simple. He wipes at his nose with his free hand, grimacing at the icy feeling it leaves across his knuckles. It’s always harder during the winter, when the snow comes in and leaves him aching in more ways than one, his body stiff and cold in that unrelenting sort of way.
Theo leans forward, resting his forearms on the railing, now clenching both hands around the bundle of white lilies. White like the cracked ice he’s staring down at or the ghost that haunts him, he’s not quite sure, but either way, white felt right. The flowers fall from his open hands, smacking against the ice with the softest thud, their tangled stems locked and woven together from how hard he had been holding onto them.
His head falls forward, pulled by the weight he’s constantly trying not to drown under, forehead pressing into the icy cold of his arms. It’s stupid, really, or it feels like it, because he knows that nothing is going to change. There’s no reason to expect a sudden relief or catharsis. Dropping flowers now is no different from back when Liam and Stiles were following him. He might be trying to really mean it now, but it’s still just flowers and still just him.
Nothing’s changed.
“Miss you.” He mumbles, willing the stinging in his eyes to disappear.
It never does.
He’s almost to his truck, fumbling for his keys in his pocket, when he realizes he left his phone behind. It shouldn’t matter, not really, no one ever messages him. Between falling off Argent’s radar once things have slowed down and the puppy pack heading off to college, there’s no one left in Beacon Hills that would. Well, other than Anika, but she’s working, so the likelihood of getting anything from her is slim to none.
Typically, he would be picking up the slack, but he’s starting to think even the monsters are as bored with this little town as he is. He rolls his shoulders, pulling the hoodie tighter across his body before clicking the key fob to unlock his truck.
It’s only when he’s fully situated, blasting the heater and pulling his seatbelt on, that he realizes he has an unread text sitting on his lock screen. His heart beat fumbles in his chest at the sight, because it isn’t a typical hunting order from Argent, or even a shift change message from his boss-turned-friend. It’s Liam . Liam who left for college months ago, Liam who will randomly message Theo unimportant things like pictures of stray cats he finds on campus, to which Theo will always reply ‘cool.’ and forget about it until the next one. Liam, who makes his heart feel like it’s going to combust in his chest at any given moment without warning.
He picks up his phone with frozen fingers, blaming the clamminess on the fact that he’s thawing out from too long in the snow. The screen lights up, only one notification staring back at him. He fully expects it to be another picture of a cat, or the odd picture of Mason and Corey with Liam captioning it with something along the lines of ‘third wheel 4lyfe’, the usual sorts of things.
What he sees instead stops the air in his lungs.
[Liam] On holiday break. Can I see you?
Theo clicks the notification, entering and exiting their chat three times to make sure what he’s seeing is real, that his eyes aren’t deceiving him. But every time he taps back in, there it is, staring back, dragging the not-so-fresh wounds that he forgot are still sweeping through a newly laid layer of salt along the concrete wall he laid block by painstaking block on the shaky sand-drawn line that was washing out too fast, too often, to be left alone.
Among the things Theo has considered himself in Liam’s life, he’s never once considered himself as someone that the beta would seek out for anything less than an impending disaster. Sure, they’ve had their fair share of finding one another. But actively seeking the other out? Actually asking to spend time together has never happened.
Suddenly, Theo’s heart is racing and he can’t get it to calm back down.
He stares down at the messages until his screen goes black, and stares some more, though it’s only his own reflection looking back at him. Of course he wants to see Liam. It’s all he’s been aching for since the beta left. Would he ever admit it out loud? Never in a million years. Wanting isn’t a new feeling for him, but getting what he wants would be. He pulls the edge of his lip between his teeth, rolling it around as he taps the screen again, unlocking it.
If Liam is seeking him out, who is he to turn the wolf down?
His fingers move faster than his mind can comprehend what he’s typing.
[Theo] When do you want me to get you?
The near immediate response of Liam’s ‘now would be good’ had him slamming on the gas before he even finished reading the text. Liam’s subsequent text with directions to his house is still left on read. The route, and the picket fences and multicolored mailboxes along it, are as familiar as the knotted oaks and tangled masses of underbrush on the way to Tara’s bridge. But, he’s going to keep that to himself.
Theo drives through the snowy roads, keeping the heater on low, so the truck will be toasty enough for the somehow perpetually cold wolf when he climbs inside. As his destination grows closer and closer, he taps anxiously against the wheel. It’s been months since they saw each other last, and he can’t help but think of how much things can change in far less time.
As he turns onto the beta’s street, the thoughts go from murmurs to screaming. Did Liam grow his hair out again? Does he still smell like himself, or has he taken on whatever scent hovers in a college dorm these days? Did he meet anyone?
He slows to a stop in front of the Dunbar-Geyer house, only just having put his truck in park, hand not even on his phone yet, when the beta slides out of his front door.
Theo’s insides are boiling, like someone replaced his stomach contents with molten lava, as he watches Liam start down the drive, not even bothering to watch the door close behind him, beelining to the truck. The walk is short, but long enough that he can take in how the UCLA sweatshirt clings to the beta, his mouth going a little dry at the sight. He forces his focus elsewhere. Liam’s hair is almost the same length as the last time he saw him, maybe a little shorter, if Theo were insane enough to notice that kind of thing.
Even as Liam climbs inside the truck and settles himself into the passenger seat with such a satisfied sigh, he stares, categorizing each small shift and movement, what’s different and what stayed the same. Surprisingly, very little has changed. It’s still Liam sitting next to him, leaning his head back and closing his eyes in a way that spells out so much trust he has no idea what to do with it.
Theo lets his lips curl with the smallest hint of a smile.
His scent must change, because Liam turns his head to the left, cracking one eye open. It’s barely a heartbeat before he’s giving a smile of his own in return.
“What?” the beta asks, a hint of a huffy chuckle brewing at the tail end of the words.
Theo shakes his head, shifting the truck into drive. He’s not judging. That’s the antithesis of their weird little arrangement, and Liam knows that. Or he did. Maybe he’s forgotten since he left. Or, he never really knew what was going on between them, period, which is an entirely fair possibility given his limited social upbringing. He shrugs the dregs of those thoughts off, both internally and physically, as if that would help expel them.
When the wolf closes his eyes again, sinking further into the seat, he can’t help the way his smile grows.
“Comfortable enough?”
Liam chuckles, the sound settling somewhere inside of Theo’s chest, making a home right next to his heart, further stifling the treacherous, needling voice in the back of his head. He’s missed that sound more than he cares to admit. There’s a lot about the beta, already half-asleep beside him, that will never see the light of day as far as he’s concerned. More than a lot. Probably a few encyclopedia volumes worth. Maybe more like a library or two. He’s not counting anymore.
Liam’s gentle, “Always is,” ground the cogs of Theo’s brain to a sudden halt.
Soft isn’t exactly in their wheelhouse, and what the wolf just said was physically impossible to classify under any other descriptor. Hell, everything the guy’s done since pulling open the door has been. If his hands tighten around the steering wheel, well, Liam can’t see through his closed eyelids and Theo isn’t about to rat himself out. He’s had tragically few experiences with it, the ones he can remember all involving the blue eyes he can’t chase out of his dreams or a laugh he swears he’ll never forget even though someone’s voice is the first thing the brain forgets, and he forgets a lot .
He has no clue what to say to that. None. But, he can drive, so that’s what he does.
Theo doesn’t realize where he’s driven them until Liam is sitting up in the passenger seat, giving him a disgruntled look for his troubles.
The Beacon Hills High School entrance is fifty feet away from them, and he’s helpless to do anything but shift the truck into park, headlights glinting off the doors. Quiet reigns in the cab, interrupted only by the hot air blowing through the vents, as the blue glares at him. It’s Christmas break, there’s no one here, and there won't be for another two weeks. He had absolutely no reason to drive them here. But the truck was silent, and muscle memory is a hell of a thing.
“Why did you bring us here?” Liam asks, frown evident in his tone.
Theo doesn’t really have an answer. How is he supposed to explain that his mind only knows them when they’re in danger? He can scrounge through his memories, what’s left of them, all he wants, but there’s no frame of reference as far as what to do when they’re free to do whatever they want. Actually, now that he’s thinking about it, they’re lucky they didn’t end up in the hospital parking lot. He leans back in the seat, glaring at the steering wheel like it’s going to solve this equation for him. It doesn’t, though. So, he’s left to keep glaring while Liam sits quietly next to him in his own confusion.
“I…” Tongue suddenly too big for his mouth, he shakes his head, biting his lip, effectively cutting off the impending word vomit that’s sure to follow. It’s been a really shitty few months, and that’s with the rest of his life taken into account.
Liam reaches out, gently hand resting on his shoulder. “Hey,” he says, his even gentler voice calming the destructive thoughts rolling through Theo’s mind as he turns his head, locking eyes with the beta as he adds, “Are you alright?”
No, he thinks. No, I’m really not. There are a thousand and one things all going sideways, haywire, and inside-out at the same time, not the least of which is the way he can’t keep himself from sinking into the deceptive camaraderie. This is temporary. Liam’s going back soon, and after college, who knows where the wolf will go.
The concrete wall between them — the one that he knows is more of a line in the sand that Liam pretends he doesn’t see— is there for a reason.
So, he nods anyway, unwilling to risk his voice. Liam frowns, like he knows if Theo was alright he’d be talking, and maybe he does. He’s the only one who would. It should be depressing, that he has one person that really knows him, but he’s still too caught up in the possibility of even having a singular one to bother overanalyzing it.
True to form, following whatever awkward truce they established ages ago, Liam lets it go, drawing his hand back. Theo misses the warmth immediately, his shoulder going cold even though the heater was flipped to high not even five minutes ago. He might be sweating, but he’s not going to mess with the settings if Liam is happy with it.
“Well,” Liam says, tone louder than it was a minute ago. “I was going to whip these out regardless, but this seems as good a place as any.”
He digs in his pocket for a moment before pulling out a ziplock baggie with what looks like two pre-rolled joints inside. The beta’s smile is something wicked, those blue eyes full of wonder as he turns to face him, silent question lingering in the air.
Theo smiles, a weight lifting off his shoulders enough that he lets out a laugh, pulling the keys out of the ignition.
“Come on, heathen.”
They’re on the lacrosse field before he knows it. The turf is covered in snow, and was pristine until they came along. Liam has made multiple tracks through it as he continues to walk in circles, while Theo sits on the metal bench, watching and pretending he isn’t shivering. Metal leeches heat much faster when it’s actually frozen versus only chilled, turns out. Though, it wasn’t as if he was prepared to stay outside even before he sat down, with his hoodie alone to barricade him from the nipping wind. What else is he supposed to do, other than sit and freeze? Tell Liam Dunbar no? Fat chance.
He’s got one wolfsbane infused joint unlit and pinched between his fingers, ready to be taken away when Liam decides he’s paced enough ground to be satisfied.
It’s sort of calming, listening to the crunch of snow beneath the beta’s weight, his shoes leaving marks in his wake, something to say he’s alive and there, that this isn’t some weird fever dream Theo cooked up in his loneliness. Not that he’s done that. Especially not in the immediate aftermath of the puppies leaving. Nope. He’s above such unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Eventually, Liam stops. Just dead stops and stays standing in the center of the field. Before Theo can question it, he twists, his eyes locking onto Theo’s. Then, his lips slowly, more than likely a little frozen, turn up into another gentle smile that emulsifies Theo’s insides. There is no sound, no words spoken aloud, just the muffled silence of the snow as he holds out his hand, palm up.
An invitation.
Theo is too far to actually reach out and lace their fingers together, but that doesn’t stop him from ungluing himself from the bench and taking very calculated steps through the premade paths Liam created until he lands in front of the beta.
They’re only two feet away from each other, now. Liam’s outstretched hand has his fingertips just inches away from brushing against Theo’s jacket. The small gap between them has his entire focus. It’s objectively tiny, nothing more than mere inches, but he can’t imagine feeling further apart.
The joint stays perched between his pointer and thumb, waiting to be plucked out of his grasp.
Liam drops his hand, grazing their fingers together as he grabs hold of the weed. His fingers linger for a moment, just barely pressed against Theo’s, a welcomed warmth in their current weather. Theo’s eyes stay focused on the point where he ends and Liam begins, thinking of the millions of other instances where they’ve grazed knuckles on busted skin, thrown elbows into already cracked ribs.
Suddenly he’s holding his breath, waiting for the pain to begin.
But, it never does.
Liam pulls away, leaving Theo’s fingertips frozen in his absence, sticking the joint between his lips as he digs through his pocket for his lighter.
“When’s the last time you did this?” Liam’s words are slightly muffled, but Theo hears it loud and clear, even if his vision can’t escape the place where Liam’s lips are pursed together, the skin cracked and bitten red.
He lifts his eyes, sucking in a breath. The lighter flicks to life, glow dancing in the bright blue eyes in a way he can only hope he can remember long after he drops the wolf back at home.
“With you.”
Looking away is the only way to maintain any composure or dignity, not that he has much of either, but he’d rather not lose the precious little he does have. He stares through the trees, shaking his head like an etch a sketch to rid the memories of Liam’s warm breath on the side of his neck as he giggled through his haze, his quiet murmurs of Theo’s name sliding off the tip of his tongue like it was the only thing he knew how to speak.
They never spoke about it after Liam had sobered up, even if the beta has rosy red cheeks for the rest of the ride home, even if he couldn’t really look Theo in the eye as he said his goodbye’s. Theo had been just as bad, if not worse, the side of his neck still burning hot even though Liam hadn’t been close to him in hours.
Theo turns back, his lips pursed together in a tight line. That is why he has the wall now, standing on their messy little line in the sand. They got too close, straddling the thing at the same time as it strangled him. His hand comes up, rubbing at the spot that he swears still sometimes tingles with a phantom heat. Liam is staring at him, a glint in his eyes, though the lighter’s back in his pocket now and his lips are upturned into a smirk like he knows what Theo is thinking. Rolling his eyes, he plucks the joint out of Liam’s mouth, pointedly ignoring the beta’s fish-mouthed look as he takes a deep inhale.
“Yeah,” Liam says, a little breathless, eyes unmoving from Theo’s lips. “Me too.”
They’re laying on the ground now. Theo lost feeling in his back about an hour ago, the snow melting into his jacket and leaving him feeling like he’s lying on an ice block. Liam is laying next to him, staring up at the sky. They’ve passed the joint back and forth enough times that it’s dwindled down very quickly. Theo is comfortably high, feels like his skin is buzzing under his clothes, his brain having gone foggy long ago. Liam is humming a song next to him that he can’t quite place, but his eyelids are fighting to stay open the longer he stays still.
Liam rolls to the side, offering Theo the last of the weed. Theo shakes his head, waving him off. Liam stays silent, sucking in a deep breath before flicking the joint somewhere to the right of himself. He’s still holding his breath when Theo turns to look at him. There’s a lingering question in the air again, something that reminds him too much of last time, something that makes his chest feel a little tight as Liam leans infinitesimally closer to him. Theo is helpless to do anything but stay perfectly still, waiting for the inevitable. Liam’s lung capacity is quite impressive seeing as he’s still just holding it in, eyes flickering across Theo’s face like he’s looking for permission.
Wordlessly, Liam leans in the rest of the way, brushing their noses together. Theo’s lips part without his permission, allowing Liam to blow the smoke into his mouth. Their lips don’t even connect, but Theo’s on fire with their proximity. He doesn’t inhale, just lets the smoke linger in his mouth and escape freely without his help. His eyes flick up, expecting to see blue looking back, but the beta’s eyes are so transfixed on Theo’s lips that he doesn’t even notice.
He doesn’t give himself time to wonder what that new tint to the blue is, blowing in the wolf’s face. Liam blinks a few times, still not pulling away, but he finally looks up, holding Theo’s stare. It’s almost worse, because now he can see even more of the color and how dark the daylight hue has gotten. He’s pretty sure he knows what that look is, but he also knows he has to be wrong.
“Do you remember the last time we did this?” Liam whispers.
Theo wants to laugh, wants to shove Liam away and call him an idiot. Of course he remembers the last time. That night comes up far more than it should for his sanity, usually when the moon’s up and there’s nothing left for him to use as a distraction from the ache in his chest that’s Liam-shaped. But, there’s that line, one they drew a long time ago, the one he’s built into the only solid thing he has anymore. He won’t.
Avoiding bursting the bubble they’ve created, he just nods. It’s almost a mistake, as he tries not to shiver when their noses brush together again. His vision is going a little crossed with the proximity, but he will be damned if he pulls away first. The line — wall — keeps him from doing it again, no matter how much he wants to feel even that little blip of heat against his skin.
Liam, being the ass he is, smiles. “Yeah, me too. But, I always wondered something.”
“What’s that?” Theo whispers back, trying very hard to keep his eyes locked onto Liam’s eyes and not on the way the beta is slowly raising one hand to cup the back of Theo’s neck to hold him in place.
Liam licks his lips, so fast that if he had blinked, he never would have caught the movement. But this is Liam, and no matter how long the wolf stays away, he will always notice the little things, always has. Forcing his focus from the beta’s lips to his eyes and the subsequent words is hard.
“Why didn’t you kiss me then?”
He phrases it so easily, like he’s asking about the weather and not why Theo, who is renowned for royally fucking shit up, didn’t change the whole dynamic of whatever it is that they have between them, like that one little thing wouldn’t ruin it. Theo blinks, mouth closing, opening, closing, more than at a loss for words with how blank his head is. The blue staring back at him, burrowing past the walls he spent decades building and months putting back up, searching for something that he has no idea how to give.
It starts to snow then, little snowflakes landing in Liam’s hair, on his nose, on his eyelashes. Theo feels weak, like the stiff winter breeze might knock him over the next time it blows over them.
“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” he says, honestly.
Yeah, that moment was charged with something, but he marked it up to teenage horniness, more his part than Liam’s, not because the beta actually wanted him, like wanted to keep him wanted him. Why would Liam want him? Someone as good and kind as him deserves someone just as good, someone great. It’s a wonder the wolf even keeps up with him at all, other than keeping another set of claws in the pack’s toolbox.
Liam assesses him, eyes scanning his face as if he’s going to find the honest answer somewhere. He’d say it’s a futile endeavor, but that would be just asking to be proved wrong, which the damn beta standing nose to nose with him has done on too many occasions to chance. Eventually, his eyes land on Theo’s again. His fingers flex against the base of Theo’s skull, and it takes every fiber of his being not to sigh into the touch. Liam smirks like he knows. Asshole.
“Would you kiss me now?” Liam asks.
Theo’s brain is white noise, his mouth stuck open and soundless. Yes , he thinks, but doesn’t say. This, whatever it is, is the best that he’ll ever have, and he can’t lose it. The wall — their line — it’s there for a fucking reason, and he can’t step over it. So, he sucks in a breath and forces out a loose chuckle, hiding the tightness of his throat that won’t let words out in a breathy chuckle.
“Are you typically in the habit of asking your smoking partners if they want to kiss you?”
Liam laughs, the same full-chested sound that burrows deep into him, his fingers spasming against the base of Theo’s skull, a blush is forming high on his cheeks. His tongue darts out, again, licking at his cold-chapped lips. Theo, like the weirdo he is — knowing that his chances to do this again are getting slimmer by the day— tracks every bit of the movement, his neck burning from where the branding-hot fingers are touching his exposed skin.
“Nah,” Liam says, eyes flicking to look over Theo’s shoulder before they slide back to meet his own. “Just the ones who have taken a bullet for me.”
Theo scoffs, eyes rolling, trying to get any of his barriers back up. “A bullet is generous, maybe try a full round.”
As Liam’s smile gets softer, his fingers twitch again, grabbing harder at his neck for a split second before releasing again. It sends a haze rippling through his thoughts, slowing them down so that he almost misses the shyness creeping into the wolf’s smile, subduing it and turning his cheeks an even deeper shade of pink, almost red.
“I don’t think I ever thanked you for that. For any of it, for that matter.”
Theo leans back, coughing uncomfortably. Gratitude is even more foreign than the soft touches he’s never been able to tolerate from any hands other than the ones already on him. His face twists as he drops his eyes. Liam’s hand falls from his neck, landing somewhere in the snow between them. Theo can’t bring himself to look away from the wolf’s face, even though it feels like he’s going to burst into flames at any moment.
Something winches tighter in his chest, forcing a half squeaked out,“Liam-” from him.
Liam picks up his fallen hand to wave it dismissively in between them, effectively cutting off whatever Theo was going to say in reply. Theo’s mouth snaps shut with a click.
“Really. You didn’t have to do all of that…especially after everything we did to you, everything you’ve been through…” Liam trails off, eyes focused on something in the distance. Theo sits in silence, willing his heart to not speed up with each word that comes out of the beta’s mouth. Liam turns back to him, lips set in a frown. “You saved my life, more than once. So, thank you.”
Theo nods, again unsure of what he’s supposed to say or do.
What’s a monster to do when it’s thanked by sunshine?
Liam slides the syrup bottle back to the corner of the table, eyes glued to it like a toddler’s to a TV screen. It was endearing, like so much else about the stupid beta. Stupid and pretty with too good of a heart.
For what feels like the umpteenth time that day — night? — he shakes his head, scattering the train of thought to the four corners of his brain, hopefully for the last time. Wolfsbane-laced or not, the weed would be working its way out of the wolf’s system soon enough, and letting those kinds of thoughts linger was only going to risk causing another incident.
That’s what he was going to call things like the field and the last time they did this. Incidents.
“How’d you find this place anyway?”
“Huh?” Theo blinks at him, trying to figure out where the question came from.
“You drove here without directions and you walked in like you knew it. Took you more for the fast in and out, no muss no fuss sort of person.”
He’s beginning to think that there’s a course at Liam’s college on specifically how to make him speechless, because it’s happened more tonight than it ever used to. Before he could say anything, a familiar voice cut through the million mile and hour thoughts that he barely even could understand.
“Don’t you get enough of this place during the week?” she asks, one hand on her cocked out hip, pen and paper in the other hanging limply at her side.
“Clearly, I’m not here for me,” he answers, shifting in his chair to face Anika, a wry grin already weaseling its way onto his face.
In his periphery he sees Liam perk up, head snapping between Theo and Anika, clearly lost on the connection between the two.
Anika smirks, turning to look at Liam, eyebrows nearly in her hairline as she gives him a once over. She turns back to Theo, mouth open to surely berate him for not introducing the beta sooner, but Theo is quicker to cut her off before she can get a word in, wanting to leave here with at least a shred of dignity.
“Liam, this is Anika, my friend and manager, don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Anika, this is Liam, my,” He hesitates, internally wincing, hating himself for it. Liam is his friend, right?
He doesn’t bounce back fast enough, so Liam reaches out his hand for Anika to shake, taking control where Theo has lost it.
“His friend, I’m his friend.”
Liam’s smile is warm enough, to anyone who isn’t Theo, anyway. His eyes aren’t crinkled where they usually are when he smiles, his mouth unusually tense. If Anika notices it, she doesn’t voice it, just shakes Liam’s hand and gives him an award-winning smile of her own. Theo’s chest feels seconds from bursting as he watches the interaction with nervous eyes.
Anika laughs, pulling her hand back, glancing at Theo. “His friend, huh?”
And, fuck , he hates that look in her eyes. It’s all sharp and too-knowing, a sign of gears turning in her head in ways that might just be scarier than Stiles or Lydia when they’re on a roll. He winces internally, another pair of brown eyes framed by dark hair — light and dry, like she’d never fallen into the water — with a too-similar smirk skipping behind his eyelids as he blinks. The laugh echoing in his ears is so much warmer than the icy whispers in his nightmares.
He cuts the thoughts off, voice tense as he says, “We’ll have pancakes, thanks, Anika.”
The abruptness both stops the train of questions before they even begin and derails the train careening out of control in his head. Liam looks at him, eyebrows pinched in confusion, because of course the idiot picks up on his discomfort. But he doesn’t look back. His focus stays on the five-foot-two brunette beside their table, only somewhat glaring at her.
In turn, she nods, which has him letting out a quiet relieved puff of air he hadn’t realized he was holding. She looks to Liam for confirmation on the food choice, scribbling down the order when she gets a nod in return.
“Right, I’ll get started on that for you,” she says, a cheeriness in her voice that grates on his nerves. “If you need anything, you know where to find me.”
Professionalism isn’t her strong suit, because he can still see the edge of her smile and sharpness in her eyes as she glances back over to him, tucking her notepad away. Liam waits until she’s far enough away to not overhear their conversation before he’s leaning forward and whispering to Theo across the table.
“Why are you being weird?”
“Being polite is weird?” he asks with a raised eyebrow, knowing very well that’s not what Liam means, but he’s going to hope that he takes the bait.
Liam blinks, giving him a deadpan look that all but screams, you know that's not what I meant. He doesn’t take the bait. Theo sighs, crossing his arms over his chest, standing his ground. Liam leans back, giving him a once over before picking up a discarded napkin and throwing it at his face. Theo splutters, throwing it back to the beta with a frown.
“You nearly had a stroke calling me your friend.” Liam says, chipping away at Theo’s walls in a way only he knows how to do.
Theo stares, squeezing his arms tighter together. “No I didn’t.”
Liam scoffs, ignoring the glare Theo is giving him. “Right, sure you didn’t.”
The beta looks away, eyes focused on the falling snow outside the window they were seated by. There’s a tick in his jaw, Theo can smell the irritation in the air before Liam even opens his mouth again.
“Not like you had any problem calling her your friend.”
Anika, being the chaotic enigma that she is, chooses that exact moment to come back to their table with the food, clearly unaware of the windchill that Liam has now put in the air, or she’s decided to ignore it. Her smile doesn’t falter or fall as she sets the plates down, leaning against Theo’s side of the booth as she looks between the two of them. Theo is helpless to do anything but stare at the way Liam is refusing to give either of them his attention.
“Bit chilly in here, huh?” She asks, head tilted in Liam’s direction but eyes staying on Theo.
Okay, so, she’s aware and just being an ass.
Theo sighs, looking up at her with squinted eyes. “Nope, feels pretty great in here, thanks Anika.”
She pats his shoulder, giving him a wink before walking away.
Liam is still staring out the window, making no move to dig into the food he was practically begging for in the truck on the way to the diner. Theo knows he should say something, should defend himself in some way, or at the very least break the ice and make sure Liam eats something today. But, he can’t bring himself to do anything other than stuff his hands into his hoodie pocket and scowl at the table like it’s personally wronged him in this life.
Liam is right, but he’s not going to give the beta the satisfaction of hearing that. Theo isn’t an ego stoker. But, the minutes keep ticking by and Liam’s shoulder is getting colder and colder by the second, so Theo folds, letting his pride crumble as he opens his mouth.
“Look,” Liam startles, head turning like he forgot he wasn’t alone in the booth. Theo bites the inside of his cheek, ignoring the coppery taste filling his mouth as he continues. “I’m sorry.”
Liam blinks at him, face carefully blank as he takes in Theo’s words. He is two seconds away from jamming his unused fork into his neck to get some kind of reaction when Liam finally speaks.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever heard you apologize.”
And, suddenly, he’s thrown so far into left field he isn’t sure where to go. The way Liam keeps looking at him, wide-eyed and soft, like he’s something other than he is, like he’s a person.
“Excuse me? What would I have to apologize for?” as if he hadn’t just done so, unprompted.
There’s too much he could, and should sooner or later, apologize for. Tara, Josh, Tracy, Scott, Malia, Lydia, Mason… He holds back a sigh. The list is never ending — growing by the second, actually — and ever present, each line of it like razor-wire shaving off bits and pieces of him.
Liam snorts, grabbing the syrup, eyes locking onto Theo’s even as he drenches his plate in the stuff.
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe all the broken noses. Or the ribs.” A smile starts to grow as he continues. “Or for all the shirts I’ve had to replace due to the amount of claw marks in them.”
He sets the syrup down, chuckling to himself as he digs into his food. Theo’s cheeks are burning.
“Then you need to apologize too, dick. I didn’t exactly have the means to be buying new clothes every time you decided I was going to be your punching bag of choice.”
That startles a laugh so loud out of the beta that a few heads turn in their direction. Theo sinks into the booth, trying to hide his face even as Liam continues to laugh into his hands. The ball of anxiety that had been winding itself in his chest is starting to unravel, making it easier for him to breathe.
“Right, right, gonna keep milking that homeless card, huh?”
Theo chokes on an inhale, eyes wide as Liam stares at him, bottom lip caught between his teeth to hold back more laughter. He has no reply, so he settles for throwing a balled up napkin at Liam’s face instead. The beta smacks it away, giggling to himself as he cuts into his food. Theo allows the silence to take over, deciding to eat his now cold pancakes instead of overthinking the way Liam is so easily capable of turning his mood around.
His mind lingers on Liam’s earlier comment, though.
It’s not like you had a problem calling her your friend.
He frowns down at his pancakes, suddenly losing his appetite. He should expect the gentle kick to his shin and the confused look the beta is giving him, but he startles anyway.
“Hey, I was joking. Milk the homeless card all you want, T.”
Theo rolls his eyes, ignoring the way his heart thuds faster in his chest at the use of the nickname. No one but the puppies ever called him that.
“No, it’s not that.” He says, shaking his head.
Liam’s frown deepens as he sets his fork down, giving Theo his full attention. It really is something, to have Liam’s sole focus. The blue simmering with the intensity found in ancient marble statues, their unwavering eyes bearing down with a weight he can’t describe and a softness that always has him looking away. How can stone be soft?
“It’s,” Theo starts and stops, brows pinching together.
He forces himself to look out the window, can’t bring himself to be so honest while looking directly at the beta. It feels too much like baring his soul, what’s left of it, anyway. He clears his throat, tries again.
“I don’t know what to call you sometimes. Friend doesn’t… feel right. You’ve earned something more than that. You’ve…” He trails off again, clenching his hands into fists.
How is he supposed to say, You have seen the worst of me and continued to believe I could be better. Even when I didn’t believe it myself, without putting the fragile pieces of himself on the chopping block? He doesn’t have enough of himself left to risk saying, When you are gone it feels like there is a piece of me missing, and I didn’t feel whole again until I had you in front of me, because how can he expect Liam to understand what that means when he doesn’t. Theo’s never needed anyone. Survival is a solitary game he’s very good at playing. There’s no room for anyone but himself in the little box he’s carved out, the safety zone he can’t help but run back to. There’s no room, and yet, he wants to scream, You are more than my friend. But he doesn’t. He can’t.
Admitting it — out loud or to himself — is a death sentence. How do people say, you are part of me, your lack is unbearable, without ruining the best thing that has ever happened to them?
“You’re more than that,” he says slowly, eyes falling from the street to the table.
Theo swallows, ignoring the burning in his throat. He finally turns, unsure what he’s going to see, already inwardly flinching. Gnarled, broken things like him and the tattered remains of his soul aren’t meant for daylight. A smart, sane person would get up and leave. It’s what he expects. Alone is normal.
And yet, Liam is still staring at him, no move made to slide out of the booth or edge toward the door. His eyes have gone softer, lips parted like he was going to speak but then forgot the words. Theo stays very still, heart thudding in his chest, loud and hard and fast. That look — all openness and soft edges where he knows claws and fangs are hiding — it’s everything he wants, everything he can’t stop wanting no matter how many times he reminds himself of their line, the one he’s struggling to pretend is still a concrete wall.
The music in the diner cuts out, skipping into a new song Theo doesn’t recognize.
Liam finally leans back, licking his lips, eyes floating around the diner, flicking from person to person and noise to noise, before landing back on Theo. The weight of them — the one he doesn’t have words for — hits him like a truck, leaving spiderweb cracks in the concrete, as he tries to parse through the shifting hues of blue.
“You wanna get out of here?” the beta asks, his lips curling in a smile that has Theo’s insides churning again.
They’re back in the truck, parked in some random half empty lot.
Theo had thrown cash down on the table and all but sprinted out of the diner, with Liam laughing behind him. He just drove.
And now. Silence.
Well, sort of. Liam’s snickering beside him, and shaking his head as he drops it down to meet his hands.
“Jesus, dude,” the beta huffs, running his fingers through his hair as he sits back up, one hand gesturing out the windshield as Theo looks over at him. “Pick less traumatic pit stops, or I don’t care what you say, I’m taking the keys.”
He shakes his head, snapping his focus to follow Liam’s hand, only to very much regret that decision. His stomach turns to ice as it plummets straight down, sinking faster than a rock in water. This is the last place he wants to be.
Glaring at him from not fifty feet away is the Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital sign, lit up like a damn Christmas tree, but he barely sees it. The street turns into the morgue from one blink to the next. His stomach rolls as the sickening stench of bleach and sterile alcohol mixed inextricably with death invading the truck’s cab more and more with every breath he takes. He should be used to it, if not from his months with Tara, then the decade never getting away from the sewer-bound operating rooms long enough for the all too similar smell to fully leave his nostrils.
Liam pulls him out of his reckless train of thought by resting a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Where’d you go?” he asks, concern buzzing in his eyes like the electricity Theo swears he can feel amongst the heat pouring off the beta’s palm.
“I’m fine.” It’s more aggressive than he has any right to be given his circumstances, but he’s attempting to stuff back the memories of the last time Liam asked him that very question the first time they were here inside a very small box in the back of his mind. He shrugs off Liam’s hand in the process, ignoring the guilt that is building in his stomach from doing so. His impulsive answer of “a bad dream” echoes, like he could sum up months of being ripped open over and over so succinctly, so neatly .
“Not the question I asked.” Liam says, voice clipped.
Silence follows, a silence where Theo slowly loosens his hands from the steering wheel, fighting back the chill that's creeping up his spine. A too still silence, where he pretends he doesn’t hear the echoes of Tara’s singsong whisper in the back of his mind like a sick fucking loop of his worst memories, takes over the truck cab. On instinct, something buried so far inside himself, he reaches for Liam.
Liam doesn’t flinch, doesn’t pull back, just allows Theo to hold onto him like it’s the one thing keeping him tethered to this earth. Belatedly, he realizes he managed to grasp onto Liam’s hand, of all things. He hates that it works, that Tara’s cold is less haunting when he has even this sliver of warmth. But he can’t let go. Maybe it’s more that he doesn't want to.
He forces himself to let go, drawing his hand back and into his own lap, glaring at his knuckles, forcing himself to ignore how cold he feels now with the loss of contact, and the churning in his stomach. He can’t keep doing this to them, to himself . He needs to let go, needs to find a way to cut the string once and for all. In his periphery, he sees Liam reach up to scratch at his jaw, head tilted to look out the window instead of at Theo’s hunched form.
“There was something I realized after I had gotten to college.” Liam says, voice much kinder than it was two minutes ago.
Theo hums, picking at a loose thread in his jacket, can't bring himself to look at anything other than that.
“There’s no one else like you.”
Theo freezes, breath caught in his throat, in his periphery he sees Liam turn in his seat to face him head on. Oh, he wishes the beta just stayed facing forward, looking anywhere that isn’t the way Theo is trying so hard to make himself smaller and less known.
“There’s this…I don’t know. It’s different with you. With other people I feel like I have to explain myself, or put up these boundaries or just…explicitly say something to get them to understand. But I've never had to do that with you, we have never had to do that. From pulling you out of hell, even when you were threatening me left and right, the days between the zoo and the fucking elevators, there wasn’t ever a time when I needed to do anything other than just be .”
Theo drops his head, exhaling, “ Liam ,”
Liam shakes his head, reaching out and grasping at Theo’s arm. Theo’s skin burns where they make contact, but he doesn’t make a move to pull away. He would rather be branded than lose this contact.
“I need you to understand what I’m saying, Theo.”
God, does he understand it? He would have to be blind and deaf to not know Liam, but even then, he thinks that somehow, someway, his entire being would always know.
“I thought that maybe it was just a me thing, that only I felt this way, but then you just…” Liam’s fingers twitch against his arm, tightening minutely before going slack. “You are in my fucking bones, Theo. You’re not just my friend, either. You are so much more than that.”
There’s a rush of air, a sound caught somewhere between sighing and laughing, and weighted with something that made Theo’s insides squirm.
“You know me, you see me, even in the times when I didn't know myself, when I felt like my anger was going to swallow me whole, in the times when I would have let it — you kept me grounded.”
And Liam is right, of course he’s right. There’s something so charged between them, something that Theo hasn’t been able to put his finger on. Ever since Liam pulled him out of hell, it’s like there was a string connecting the two of them, invisible but no less strong. It’s a feeling, a hazy and dizzying thing, weighty in all the ways he never should have been trusted to carry. Wherever one was, the other, inevitably, wasn’t too far behind.
If Theo was running, Liam was on his heels. If the idiot of a beta was standing his ground and fighting, so was Theo.
“ Liam ,” Theo tries again, opening his eyes, turning to look at the beta.
Liam is staring at him, eyes so wide and earnest, everything laid so plainly across his face, that Theo is helpless to do anything but pull Liam’s hand into his own and squeeze their fingers together.
“Your lack is unbearable, Theo. I need you to know that.”
It feels like all the air has left Theo’s body, feels like his chest is one second away from caving in. Liam is essentially baring his soul to Theo, telling him everything he’s been wanting to hear, and all Theo can think about is how badly he fucked this up, how he can’t believe he let it get this far. Liam is voicing the one thing Theo couldn’t, the one thing keeping him from completely falling over that line he drew between them. The one that seems to get hazier day by day.
Sometimes, when he’s alone, he’ll look back at the days before the beta left, when they were somehow still fighting for their lives — or it felt like it to Theo — it’s hard to tell where he ends and Liam begins.
Since then, there’s been this ache, a pain in his chest, like something is being pulled out of him, trying to squeeze between his ribs. He figured it was the string, pulled taut and fraying in the middle, reminding him every day that Liam wasn’t there anymore. He found himself celebrating it, because he couldn’t damage the wolf if he wasn’t there.
If he was any less of a selfish bastard, Theo would have stopped this — the bursting of their little world — right then and there. All he would have had to do was cut the line and Liam would be safe. For good. But he’s too selfish; he’s always been too selfish. He wants what he wants, mostly, without remorse, and Liam — good, kind, strong, generous, unselfish — was who he wanted, who he wants more than anyone.
So, he tended to the string. Every late night text was answered. Each and every out of context snapchat was opened, the dash of his truck the most common response, but it was a reply nonetheless. No matter how many he left, Theo listened to each and every single voice message rant about the beta’s teachers.
He was — is — selfish. Just ask Tara.
That desire, though, that pull is exactly why he needs to keep him at a distance. The wall is there for a reason. Alone is better. It’s better that way, safer, too. People can’t end up in a riverbed because of him if there’s no one around him to begin with.
Liam is looking at him, eyes scanning across his face like he’s waiting to see the exact moment that it clicks for Theo, that he’s finally realizing he actually means something to someone, and he isn’t just a villain in their story.
Dread is filling his stomach, a pit growing by the second.
“ Please , don’t let me be the reason something bad happens to you.”
Liam’s eyebrows pinch together in confusion, his hand going slack in Theo’s grasp.
Now it’s Liam’s turn to say his name, it comes out more like a heavy exhale, “ Theo… ” It’s so weighted and tragic, Theo wants to crawl back inside the earth so he never has to hear it again.
He shakes his head, closing his eyes again, he can’t bring himself to look at the hurt look on the beta’s face. He put that there, he made it happen. Once again, he’s just hurting the people around him, and, what’s worse, this time, he’s not even meaning to. They say honesty is the best policy, but what they failed to mention is how badly honesty fucking hurts.
“I can’t be the reason you end up in some icy ravine or have your heart ripped out of your chest. I can’t. Li, I can’t.” Theo shakes his head vehemently, squirming in his seat until his back hits the door, he reaches blindly behind himself for the handle, trying to find an escape because he can’t fucking breathe in here.
He stumbles out of the driver seat and makes it about two steps before he’s falling on his ass into the fresh snow on the pavement. Behind him, Liam’s shouting profanities, cut off by the sound of the truck’s passenger door opening and slamming shut. The quick crunching of snow says he’s running, and Theo’s ribs ache. He hopes that the beta is running away , but, true to form, the idiot is kneeling beside him, eyes frantic as they land on Theo’s face.
The snow isn’t falling now, but the winter air is biting at his exposed skin, making his chest burn with each deep inhale he shakily drags into his lungs. It’s still suffocating outside, but in completely different ways. In the open air, he isn’t being assaulted with the scent of Liam’s disappointment and sadness, the bitterness of it still burning through his sinuses.
Bad things that happen to the people he loves, and it’s always his fault.
Liam sits in the snow beside him, jeans now soaking at the knees from the way his body heat is melting the ice. Theo runs a shaky hand through his hair, ignoring the shiver sliding down his spine as his frozen fingers touch his scalp.
“Theo, you are…” Liam trails off, letting his head fall back so he’s looking up at the sky, eyes closed like he’s saying a silent prayer. “You are quite possibly the worst idea I have ever had, but not in the way you think.”
Theo blinks, frowning at the beta. Not in the way he thinks? What other way could he possibly be the worst?
Liam drops his head, opening his eyes to hold Theo’s gaze.
“You have done bad things, you have hurt the people you cared about, but this…this isn’t that, Theo. I’m not someone who is going to end up on a list in your mind of people you have ruined or killed.”
Theo swallows the lump forming in his throat, blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes. Liam is acknowledging the very worst parts of him, the things that wake him up screaming most nights. He is holding Theo’s heart in his hands and he has all the capabilities to absolutely crush it between his fingers while Theo is helpless to do anything but watch and allow it to happen.
“And Tara shouldn’t be on that list either.”
Suddenly the lump in his throat feels like bile. He feels as if he’s been shattered into a million little pieces across this hospital parking lot. Funnily enough, the one spot in this place he hasn’t shed parts of himself on yet. Liam is staring at him, the blue of his eyes twisting its way through all the cracks in the wall, all soft and bright and caring .
Theo fights to stay still, his whole being screaming to run and never look back.
“You’re blaming yourself for something out of your control. Even if you had known what was actually going on, you couldn’t have stopped them. You were nine , Theo.” The emphasis Liam puts on that word, the detail that doesn’t matter nearly as much to him as others, stabs into him, twisting between his ribs even more when he repeats it, “Nine,” just as firmly.
“And while the idea of you caring so much about me that you’re willing to keep putting yourself in harm's way to keep me safe is…” Liam laughs, shaking his head, stray hairs falling over his forehead and into his eyes. Theo fights the need to reach out and brush them away, his fingers twitching in his lap. “What happens to me isn’t in your control. Keeping me close won’t make the world burn. And even if it did, I know that you would be right there next to me trying to put it out.”
Liam looks up to the building, a small smile on his face. Theo is struggling to breathe with the weight of everything they have been through together in this building alone weighing down on him.
“You stood in this very building and agreed to fight with me. You told me you wouldn’t die for me, then put yourself in the way of every bullet that came in my direction.” His eyes land back on Theo, and he nearly flinches, feeling so exposed and raw, like Liam can see right through him. “You have my back, Theo.”
He does, and he will continue to do so, but that’s all he should have. He’s not built for anything more. Broken things can’t be trusted to hold up anything but themselves, and he’s already questioning his ability to do even that as Liam shifts closer, knees pushing into his.
“So, let me have yours.”
The urge to roll his eyes and call out the obvious cliche— and remind Liam that this isn’t some scene straight out of a movie, that they aren’t some magical thing that always works out— is so strong, but he decides against it. Even as a hand slides over his cheek, completely warm despite the cold around them, encouraging him to lift his head, he doesn’t say anything. Unable to bring himself to let his jaw fall open and words spill out, too afraid of the consequences.
Air runs out of him, like a balloon deflating, all at once and then sadly petering out in shuddering sort of half-puffs, as he finally lifts his eyes up to Liam’s. Same as ever, he’s looking straight back at him, all the things Theo wants tantalizingly close in those hues of blue — love, care, safety — and offering them to him. He’s told himself so many times that this, them, can’t happen, that he’s too misshapen and a monster in more ways than one to really be any kind of worthy or good for Liam. It’s the truth, his truth at least.
He should say no and get his ass up off the ground, put them both back in the truck, and take the beta home. Liam is the one thing he’s never going to be willing to risk, even if it hurts . It’s the smart thing, the good and rational and best for everyone thing.
But, he can’t open his mouth or move his head.
Theo’s eyes close slowly, hoping that not seeing how those eyes are pleading for him to take what’s being laid out at his feet will let him get the words out or move .
Nothing happens.
His jaw tightens, clamping down, grinding his teeth over one another. He’s never said no to Liam. There have been plenty of times he should have, pain and suffering that could have been entirely avoided if he had. From the beginning, from that very first look in the rain, when Liam came running in, shifted and leaping into action, outmatched and outclassed as he was, he’s never been able to say the word or actually refuse him anything.
Drive me and my dying girlfriend to the animal clinic, please? Sure.
Absorb this electricity so we can capture a mythical force of the supernatural world? Liam’s growled Or else… barely a factor in his Yes .
Come to the Zoo with me to distract hunters that will probably kill us? He didn’t even have to ask, really.
A shimmer of bright, bright blue jumps across his scrunched shut eyelids. Let me love you? it begs, and, god , does it have his chest hurting to ignore it. He has to, though. If he tries to answer, even if it is to say No , there’s only one thing that he’ll say, and it’s not the right one.
Theo, as much as he lies to himself, knows who he is, that he’s a selfish bastard that can’t say no to the person he cares about, and knows where his broken parts are, but he pretends they’re not there so that maybe someone will keep him around. More than anything else, he’s a chimera, one thing made of many, and a weapon that doesn’t want to drop another body, but, eventually, will, because he’s the kind of monster that will protect himself and his at the expense of life and limb.
Him and his. Him and Liam.
He sighs again, opening his eyes.
This might not be some fairy tale story, but maybe, just maybe , despite bloodied hands that have known only murder and pain for too long to be truly good , and too many skeletons left buried in forgotten places, the monster doesn’t have to be the villain ?