Archive of Our Own

The first time he came home to an empty house was when he was seven years old.

“I’m home!” Tsukasa called out while taking off his shoes. His echo was the only response that he got. 

“Mama? Papa?” He asked in confusion while heading to the common area. It was empty. The only signs of life there were the plants in the corner and the hasty wrinkles on the couch. Fear started to gnaw on his nerves. He headed to the kitchen next. “Saki? Where are you guys?”

It was also empty, but on the fridge, there was a bright pink note. Tsukasa peeled it off and read it. On it was his mother’s handwriting. It was rushed and sloppy, unusual for her.

Sorry Tsukasa! :(

Your sister had some problems again, so we had to go to the hospital. We’ll be back tomorrow afternoon at the latest. We trust that you are a responsible boy and can take care of yourself for a few hours. There’s leftovers in the fridge and some money hidden in the drawer to your right. Use it only for emergencies!

We love you!

- Mama

Tsukasa clenched the note, hurt by the fact that he was left in the house alone. He couldn’t even be there for his sister when she was in pain. He ignored the tears starting to prick at his eyes. He couldn’t cry! If Saki saw him crying, she would cry too! He shouldn’t feel all this!

So he pushed it down. Deep into his soul where it would remain untouched. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself because that’s what Mama always said to do. The burning feeling in his soul stopped. What time was it? It would be good to get something in his stomach. He looked for the clock.

4:13 pm

Ah , that was a long time to be alone. 

…

Tsukasa slapped his cheeks. The stinging sensation brought him out of his mood. 

“Don’t feel sad, Tsukasa!” He cheered himself on. “You can do a lot of things now! After you do your homework, you can practice the piano for Saki. You can perform with the stuffed animals! Watch TV! And—and…”

His sentence drifted off. What could he do alone? Play with Touya? But his father didn’t let him do anything unrelated to piano that often… Oh! He could think of a new play for Saki! That would make her smile. Tsukasa nodded to himself. Yes, that is what he would do, what stars would do.

You aren’t a star without an audience. Something inside of him spoke bitterly. 

No, no! No time for thoughts like that! He pinched himself to stop thinking. First, dinner!

He opened the fridge, the cold air cooling his face. Inside, he saw two meals. One for dinner and one for breakfast. Probably, hopefully they would all be home before morning. He took the one that was on top. It was curry, not bad!

Tsukasa closed the fridge and made his way over to the microwave. Mama always said to heat things up in small interventions of time. That way it won’t burn and you can have the perfect temperature when it’s finally done. He put the curry inside the microwave, watching it spin while bathed in a warm orange light.

Thirty seconds. Twenty, ten.

Zero, the bottom was still cold. 

Heat again.

Back to the microwave.

Thirty seconds. Twenty, ten.

Zero.

It’s slightly warmer this time.

Heat again.

He should wash his hands. If Saki came home, she would get sick all over again. He should also wipe the surfaces and clean the house. Better safer than sorry. The bell beeped as he was rinsing, and kept beeping as he dried his hands.

“Ah-ah! Wait! Don’t be impatient.” He scolded the device. Tsukasa dried his hands off, and went to open it up. Steam exited and the smell of curry spread throughout the room. When he tried to get it out, Tsukasa was immediately met with a painful burning sensation.

“Ah! Hot, too hot!!” He cried out. He frantically waved his hand around to cool it off. After a few moments his hand cooled down, and he glared at the curry container.

“Seriously….” He sighed. Then he remembered that curry always goes well with rice and went looking for it. A few more minutes later the table was set and he was ready to eat. 

“Thank you for the food!” He exclaimed.

“So good!” Tsukasa exclaimed after taking a first bite. Looking up, he saw the empty table around him. It felt larger than usual. Part of his appetite disappeared and he sadly looked at his food.

Tsukasa slapped his cheeks once more, and got up from the table. Walking up the stairs, he thought, Maybe if I had someone to be with, I wouldn’t feel so lonely anymore.

Tsukasa paused.

Lonely.

Was he lonely?

No, he wasn’t!

He had Saki and Touya. Mama and Papa. And his plushies! Tsukasa thought again.

Saki, Touya, Mama, and Papa. Plushies weren’t real people.

He frowned. Was his list that small? He should have friends at school, right? Right? He tried remembering who in his classes was close to him. Several faces appeared, but none were anybody that he considered friends.

Maybe he is lonely.

No matter! When Saki and his parents come home, he wouldn’t be lonely anymore. He found himself at Saki’s doorway and opened her room. The setting sun hit the room, bathing it in a warm orange hue. Several plushies sat on her bed, slightly disarranged. 

Tsukasa felt guilty that he had to steal from his sister’s belongings just because they weren't here with him, before grabbing three of them. First, Saki’s favorite, her purple bunny, Usagi-san. Her twin pigtails always resembled bunny ears, now that Tsukasa thought about it.

The second one he grabbed was a cat. His mother was always honest and wanted the best for everyone. She was quiet but wise, always giving out advice and worrying more about others than herself. 

The third one he got was a bear. It was slightly bigger than the others. His father had given it to Tsukasa when he was younger, but Tsukasa gave it to Saki. She would’ve taken care of it, and besides, he was a big kid now. He had no need for such childish belongings!

Yet here he was now with childish toys in his arms.

He hurried back down the stairs. Hopefully, his dinner wasn’t too cold now. He entered the dining room and pulled out all of the chairs. Saki’s bunny went into her chair, but he then realized that they were all too short to reach the table.

He decided to put them on top of the table instead.

Once done, he was satisfied. Food always tastes better with others, so these plushies could be his family! He could act like Saki never had a weak body, they never went to the hospital, and that they were all here eating dinner together!

Tsukasa dug into his meal, but the weird feeling in his stomach didn’t disappear. He tried not to frown, he would get wrinkles in the future if he did! A star should always be in peak condition.

“Mama, this is so good! How did you make it? I want to know soon!” He would ask excitedly.

Saki would agree, also asking her. Their father would chuckle softly and shake his head.

His mother would smile at him, and say, “I’ll teach you when you get older.”

The image of his family faded back into the inanimate objects that they always were. They gave no reply, but he pretended. He acted. Stars knew how to act!

If only plushies could talk.

He was done eating. Tsukasa was only slightly full, but he couldn’t ask for seconds because that was all that was cooked and ready for him. If he ate everything today, there wouldn’t be a meal for the morning. Gathering the plates and utensils that he used, he glanced back at the toys. 

His mother would ask him to help with the dishes. Saki would yawn and protest about going to bed. His father would carry her small body up the stairs and urge her to change and sleep.  He would do the same to Tsukasa, once he was done with his chores.

The image disappeared when he blinked. He stared at the dishes in his arms and shook his head. If he washed them now, he or his mother wouldn’t have to do them tomorrow. He climbed up the stool and ran the water.

It’s so cold! Tsukasa shivered, but he could get through it. As he washed the dishes, his mind wandered. What if his family never comes home? What would he do then? Would he starve and die? Where would he get money?

The water warmed up, focusing his attention back on the dishes. If he finished this soon he would have more time to do homework. And then he could be free to do whatever he wants.

After some scrubbing, the dishes were free of grime, still wet but he dried them off with a towel. Now all he has to do is his homework. Simple addition and subtraction. He breezed through it pretty quickly.

What time was it now? He looked at the clock.

6:34 pm

In a few minutes, he would have to go to bed. Maybe he could play the piano instead of making a story for Saki to hear. She always wanted to play with him, but her body always chose the wrong time to be sick.

Tsukasa headed over to the piano room, and started with a simple warm-up. His mother always said that playing piano was like exercising, and you needed to warm up first so you don’t get injured. That’s why he was taught several different ways to warm up.

In the middle of the exercise, his hand started cramping. 

“Ah! No good, stars shouldn’t get hurt.” He said while massaging his hand. If his mother was here, she would chide him for being so rash with himself. 

Tsukasa looked at the piano. Usually, it would give him a sense of peace, but now, he felt cold and alone. His hands moved on their own, and they started playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

The song that he had never been able to teach his sister yet. It was so simple, yet so important to him. He softly sang along to the tune, ignoring all of the negative thoughts that gnawed at his mind. Saki used to be so excited at the prospect of learning how to play it, but they always almost missed it or forgot with her frequent hospital visits.

What would normal kids do in this situation? Would they send their worries to their parents, or would they see this as an opportunity to invite friends and have fun? 

Maybe if he had company, he wouldn’t feel so empty and hollow inside.

Tsukasa stopped playing and put the cover back onto the keys. It landed with a soft thump. He stopped by the dining room to retrieve the stuffed animals, then went to his room.

He set them on his bed, turned to close the curtains, and climbed inside. He felt so, so cold. So cold and empty. He hugged the toys closer to his chest and tried wrapping himself up in his blanket, but the coldness in his chest never disappeared.

He shouldn’t feel this way, it was only a few hours that he would be alone for goodness sake! A single tear dropped down his face, leaving a small mark on his pillow. That was all that he would allow for now, any more and it would be uncomfortable. Sleeping on a damp pillow would just ruin his bother his sleep!

Tsukasa went to bed that day early, feeling cold and hollow. 

Tsukasa didn’t like this feeling. 

⋆⌑✧✩✧⌑⋆

Tsukasa excitedly kicked off his shoes, placing them in their respective position, and threw his bag on the floor.

Today was his thirteenth birthday! And after a long day of school, his family would celebrate with him.

How would Saki greet him today? She hadn’t seen him in a few days with her being in the hospital and him in school, but she was supposed to come home this afternoon. 

He sped down the hallways looking for his family. Peering into the living room, he saw nobody.

That’s weird. Tsukasa thought, confused. Oh! They must be planning a surprise party for me!

He quietly made his way to the kitchen. If they were planning a surprise party for him, the kitchen would be the first place they would do it. He should play along! Tsukasa would be as quiet as he can, and he’ll act extra surprised when they spook him. He peeked his head through the doorway.

It was empty. There was an envelope and an unlit cake on the counter..?

His whole body froze, and he slowly let his brain autopilot to the items. They would surprise him and jump out, right?

There’s no way he was left alone on his birthday…right..?

Tsukasa registered his hand picking up the envelope, gently opening it so it wouldn’t tear. A card with a lot of cartoony stars with cute faces littered the cover. They glittered and sparkled when the card moved. He opened it.

Happy Birthday, Tsukasa!

We haven’t been good to you, but we’re trying to make up for it! Your father and I are SUPER proud of you. You’ve grown so, so much. It was like yesterday you were a little child only reaching up to my waist, but now you’re almost as tall as me! We really hope for the best of you. I’m sorry we haven’t been able to spend as much time together. Happy birthday my sweet star child!

Love, your mom, dad, AND SAKI!!!!!!! :D

His mother and father had signed it, and Saki, of course, had signed it with little doodles and in all caps. He smiled softly at how different they all were.

His hand brushed against the back, and he felt another note stuck onto there. He flipped the card. In rushed and sloppy handwriting, it read:

Sorry Tsukasa we had to go 

We’ll make up for this and be back soon.

Sorry, Happy Birthday!

His heart sank. His parents and his sister wouldn’t be here for his birthday. His special day.

No no! He shouldn’t be sad. Even if it was his birthday, Saki’s health would be more important! If something terrible happened to her, it would make his birthday horrible! It’s okay! It’s only one day they’re gone! It was only one day!

He gripped the card harshly, accidentally crinkling it a little bit. Tears formed at the corners of his eyes. He didn’t stop them this time. 

This time? Has this happened before?

He can’t remember. If he forgot it, it probably wasn’t important.

Would he forget this too? Was his birthday not important? 

No! They just had to take care of his sister. They love him as much as her, she just needed more care because of her circumstances. Saki didn't want to live that way, she wanted to be a normal girl. They would come back later, as soon as they could, and then celebrate with him. Why would he doubt his parents' love?

Before he knew it, the tears streaming down his face hit the table. His gaze traveled up to the cake. It was simple. White frosting with dollops of cream on the top. Strawberries laid on top in a star pattern. 

Thirteen candles stood in a circle in the middle, fresh and unlit.

Something settled uncomfortably into him.

He would have to light them. By himself. He would have to cut the cake. By himself. He would have eat alone. By himself, again.

Oh.

He remembers now. This wasn’t the first time he would be eating alone.

He remembers the times where he would come home to an empty house. Food would always be in the fridge, with a note stuck somewhere he could find it. He remembers always losing his appetite, but forcing himself to eat so as to not waste food. On bad days it would taste blander and he would try his hardest to taste the love that his mother put in the meals.

He remembers the way he used to pretend that the three plushies were his family. 

He remembers the way he would play the piano to soothe and ignore his nerves.

He remembers the way he would always go to bed cold and hollow.

He remembers, but he doesn’t want to. 

Tsukasa wished he didn’t remember. It just hurt, it wasn’t important to remember. It wasn’t necessary for him to remember all of that. 

He pinched the skin of his hand to ground himself. Tsukasa should eat first. If his parents were here, they would gesture and remind him to eat. Saki would giggle nervously at her brother’s unusual behavior. He would meet their concern hidden in their eyes, the way they would track his movement just to figure out what was wrong.

Would, because they aren’t here . A voice in his head reminded him. 

An ugly sob broke out of his mouth. Why did Saki have to be born with a weak body? Why did his parents have to leave him alone? Why couldn’t they ask someone to take care of him while they were gone? Why…why is he like this?

It would only be a few hours until they come home! They would make up to it!

Vaguely, he felt his body lower onto the floor. One ugly sob turned into two, then three, then too many. His chest hurt, he couldn’t breathe properly. He couldn’t see anymore. Everything was just a hazy blur of light and shadow.

What was the exercise that he helped Touya do when he had a bad time with his father? What was it? Why couldn’t he remember?

This was an important memory, why can’t he think? 

“Hey, Touya, can you tell me five things you can see?”

Okay, five things. He followed his past self’s memory.

One, the floor. Two, the table.

Tsukasa’s vision blurred again, but he blinked the tears away.

Three, the card.  The card that was one of the few things that he was left with.

Four, his cake. Five, the candles.

“Good job! Now tell me four things you can touch.”

Touch, touch.

One, the tiles. Two, the…fridge? 

He looked back at the thing he was leaning against. It was indeed the fridge.

Three, his hands. Four, his—his face..?

“How about three things you can hear?”

One, his labored breathing. Two…

Tsukasa’s thoughts drifted off. He couldn’t hear anything. It was too quiet. It was quiet because it was empty. No! No! He was doing well! He strained his ears again to hear anything.

Two, the air-conditioner? And three, the fridge whirring behind him?

“Nice job! Now two things you can smell.”

One, the dish soap, and two…the air freshener. 

“Okay, one last thing! One thing you can taste.”

One thing he can taste, salty tears.

Tsukasa stayed on the ground for a few more moments. His mind was empty, he was dazed. He sluggishly picked himself off the ground, everything was happening in slow motion. He dragged out his chair, sitting at the empty table.

He brought himself to look at his cake. Thirteen candles, still unlit. He should probably look for the lighter. His body guided him to the drawer with the lighter, while his mind was clouded and murky.

Like a barrier was stopping all of his thoughts from being translated for him to understand. Like the bottom of a dirty river. There was life there, but it was covered by the dirt and sediment floating along. He wasn’t complaining though, because this was better than uselessly panicking over his family being gone.

He blinked back, finding himself back in his chair, a lighter in hand. They would want a picture right? So that they could see him blow out his candles? He should probably take one or two to save the moment.

Even though he felt like breaking down and sobbing.

He fetched his phone out of his pocket and set it to selfie mode. Tsukasa should also wash his face, he didn’t want his family to be worried about him crying over nothing.

After washing his face with cold water and drying, he felt ready. Maybe. It was better than before at least. He double checked his eyes to make sure that they weren’t noticibly red and swollen anymore.

He lit the candles, and set the timer. As it went down, Tsukasa mustered up his best smile. The screen flashed and he saw the picture in the tiny corner. He should send that to his parents later, and then they could show Saki.

He looked back at the candles, wax slowly dripping down onto the frosting.

“Happy birthday to me.” He sang softly, eyes drooping and voice cracking. “Happy birthday, happy birthday. Happy birthday to me~”

HIs voice cracked, and tears streamed down his face again. His vision turned blurry and the small light of the candles were the brighest things he could see. They were beautiful, in a way. They burned brightly despite their short lifespan. He forced himself not to sob by biting his lip. He had already cried enough today. He would rather not to again.

Cutting his cake in silence, he tried to imagine what his family would say if they were here. Would the conversation revolve around him? About his future and aspirations? Or would they talk about Saki’s condition and how mature he was about it? About how he was such a good brother for taking care of her?

No no! Don’t be jealous of Saki! She’s suffering and needs a lot of care!

He brought out a plate for himself, taking one slice. He should share with his family when they get back. They could experience some of his birthday with him that way. He ate the cake, chewing slowly.

It was vanilla, nice and simple. Buttercream icing that tasted a little too buttery. The strawberries brought a tangy, sweet taste to the dessert. It was nice, but he didn’t feel like eating anymore than a slice.

Tsukasa should have eaten dinner before this. He wasn’t being responsible at all. But…then again, the sweetness closed his appetite and they would never know. Maybe he would just lie.

Look at you. You want to be a star, yet you aren’t being truthful and honest. What kind of star does that? A voice inside of him mocked. Tsukasa felt mildly irritated, but couldn’t bring himself to care. 

After all, he was alone, and there was no one here to see.

Tsukasa stood up, taking the kitchenware to the sink and washing them. The warmth of water comforted him as he washed the icing sticking to the plate away. He dried them off, setting them in the dish rack to dry. He dried his hands with a towel, and set out to put everything else away.

After he was done, he went to their piano. Maybe a song could fill the silence. He started out easy, a simple version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Then he progressed to more elaborate versions. After a while, he paused, considering something.

Then, Tsukasa played Happy Birthday To You to himself. He softly hummed along to the tune. When he finished, he set the cover back down, and went to his room.

Opening the door, he glanced around, nothing had changed—wait no! There was a present on his bed! Tsukasa gasped, “What..?”

It was big. He would need two hands to hold it by its sides. Which he did, looking on all of its surfaces. It was extremely heavy, something was weighted inside of it. He opened it slowly, his mind racing while trying to guess what was inside.

It was a sewing machine. Shiny metal reflected the lights, hitting his eyes. He blinked and moved it so the light wouldn’t blind him. Why would his parents give him this? He wasn’t being ungrateful or anything, but he sewed every once in a while. Not as a regular hobby.

He didn’t really have anything to do with it, much less know how to use it. Maybe he could save it for the future, for when he needs to make costumes for a show. Would his family even have time to see one of his shows?

Chin up! You’re a star! Tsukasa thought.

He set the machine on his table and the box that it came in was on the floor next to it. Tsukasa went to bed, feeling a little empty and cold. It was nothing of course! He had come to terms with the feeling. A little bit. Maybe a little.

(The next day, only his mother came back home. His father was still with Saki, but they had both agreed that one of them would come home for Tsukasa. 

An ugly feeling rose up inside of him, bubbling near the surface but never over it. Why did Saki have to be born with such a weak body? What did she ever do to deserve it? He was just so, so tired of the world and what it had done to his family, even though he didn’t want to feel that way.

Tsukasa didn’t like the feeling.) 

⋆⌑✧✩✧⌑⋆

Graduation day. 

A big day for many. Even though it wouldn’t be the end of school, Tsukasa still felt anticipation building up inside of him for today. 

His family would be here too! He should make a good impression on his underclassmen! Tsukasa walked up the stage when his name was called. The principal handed him his certificate, signifying that he had graduated from junior high.

Tsukasa turned to face the audience, a wide smile on his face. He looked through the crowd, trying to spot blonde hair. There! Saki in her usual pigtails, his parents on either side of her. She was clapping and cheering, so proud of her big brother.

His smile got even wider as he bowed to the audience, happy tears coming from his eyes. He looked back…and saw Saki having an episode.

Tsukasa’s heart dropped as he struggled to keep the smile on his face. Saki looked like she was in terrible pain. Her face contorted in pain. Their father lifted her up with ease, navigating through the seats. Other parents looked at them in concern and moved out of the way. Several gazes followed their father's figure before being overridden by the celebration of the moment.

His mother had stayed behind, but worry was evident on her face. She looked like she wanted to speed up time to get everything over with. Tsukasa worried for his sister as he tried to be patient. He tried to appreciate all of the students who came after him, but everything blurred together as his body went on autopilot. His mind was elsewhere, thinking of so many things that he couldn’t concentrate on. Soon, the ceremony was over. He ignored the attempts at conversation by his classmates with loud apologies and quickly went to find his mother, who had been waiting for him near the entrance.

No words were exchanged between them as they were both occupied with their thoughts. The mutual feeling of “get to Saki” was shared as they walked to the hospital. His body was still in autopilot as they approached her hospital room. 

His mother gently knocked on the door. Tsukasa could hear the hushed voices of his father and a doctor inside. They opened the door, his father and the doctor not looking surprised.

“Hello, Mrs. Tenma,” The doctor greeted. “Would you two like to meet me outside to talk about Saki’s condition? Tsukasa, you can stay here and tell us if something happens while we’re gone.”

He nodded mutely, dragging a chair near the bedside as the adults left the room. He gently held his little sister’s hand—too cold for his liking—and waited. He watched as her chest went up and down with slightly labored breathing. He tried to match it to calm himself.

Saki will be fine, he reminded himself. She’s strong and you can rely on her.

She stirred, her eyes slowly opening. Saki didn’t look surprised to be in the hospital. Rather, she looked tired. Too tired for a girl her age to be. Her eyes turned misty as she faced her older brother in agony.

“ Why…why was I born like this?” She whispered as Tsukasa’s heart broke into pieces. Her misty eyes downpoured as she started sobbing. “This was supposed to be a fun day for you, yet my stupid, weak body got in the way of that. I keep ruining stuff for everyone!”

Tsukasa held her tightly in a hug, before facing her. “This isn’t your fault, okay? I don’t care if your body ‘got in the way’ because I know you’ll power through this! You’re stronger than what your body is!”

She gave him a sad smile, as if she didn’t completely believe his words.

“Right, I’m stronger than what my body is! I can do this!” She repeated his words with less enthusiasm before curling up in pain. Tears flooded back into her eyes, but she held them back. 

Tsukasa immediately backed away, but Saki held him. “ Stay.”

With that simple command, he stilled. Several minutes later, his sister’s breathing evened out and her eyes closed. She had fallen asleep. He looked at her with a small smile, before setting her down on the hospital bed and getting her comfortable. The most comfortable a hospital bed can be, anyway.

After he was done, he sat in silence like before. His mind was empty as he was focused on his surroundings. Was the doctor done talking with his parents? Why couldn’t he join in too? He also wanted to know more about Saki’s condition. He was old enough!

A few minutes later, the adults came back into the room. Their faces betrayed no emotion, and Tsukasa didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. The doctor faced him with a kind expression once he was close enough.

“Don’t worry, your sister isn’t in danger or anything. She just had a temporary relapse, she’ll be cleared after we make sure she’s okay.”

A large weight was lifted off of his shoulders and Tsukasa sighed in relief. He thanked the doctor before he exited the room. The doctor merely smiled and accepted the thanks. Tsukasa turned to face his parents. His mother was gently stroking his sister’s head. (Her pigtails had come undone. Why didn’t he notice that?) His father was leaned up against the wall with his eyes closed. 

“Tsukasa,” His mother said softly. “Your father and I decided that we are going to stay in a hotel near the hospital, in case something happens to your sister. Would you like to stay with us?”

She turned to him, her eyes filled with concern as she waited for his answer.

What was his answer?

Would he stay and be a burden to his parents, but be supportive of Saki? Or would he go home and worry by himself in that empty, lonely house ?

Well, it was one choice or the other.

“I think Saki’s going to be fine! She is strong, I know she’ll be back to her usual self in a short time.” He said proudly. “I don’t think I will be needed here, and besides! I can do chores while you are gone. If I do feel lonely, I’ll call you or Touya!”

His mother looked at him unsurely, as if she was regretting her decision of asking. She turned to his father, who merely nodded. 

“If…if you say so.” She said a few moments later. “But you will call us if there’s trouble, alright?”

He nodded confidently.

Why did she care? It’s not like it was the first time he was left alone at the house. 

His father, who was at the door, motioned for him to come. Tsukasa followed after saying his goodbyes to his family. He and his father walked in silence to the car. Tension was thick, but Tsukasa didn’t bother cutting it. It looked like his father didn’t care either.

Once they were in the car, Tsukasa leaned against the window watching the land around him blur. If he concentrated on something, then maybe its features would be more distinct. Before he knew it, they were back home. Home that was too empty and devoid of love.

He exited the car, waving to his father. “Be safe! I love you!” 

Vaguely, Tsukasa heard a response, but the car was too far away to distinguish what his father had said. He unlocked the door, toeing off his shoes before realizing that his certificate was gone. Oh, he must have lost it when they were rushing to the hospital.

It wasn’t that important anyway.

He cleaned up and ate. The food was bland for some reason, but at least something filled his stomach. He quickly washed the dishes, before finding something to be busy with. He should at least try to be helpful and lighten a load off of his parent’s backs. 

In a few hours, everything was done. All the chores were finished. There weren’t any dishes left to wash, no laundry to clean, he even mopped the floor while he was at it! He mentally patted his back. 

What time was it now?

8:54 pm

Tsukasa would go to sleep at ten, so just one more hour. 

But, then again, it would be nice to get a few more hours of sleep. 

Who is he kidding?! He’ll go to sleep now! He doesn’t have school tomorrow, and his parents aren’t home. What’s going to happen if he gets an extra hour of sleep?

He went to his room, changing into his night clothes and getting settled in the bed. 

Wait, He stopped. Did I lock the door?

Tsukasa paused, not willing to get up from the comfortable position, but also scared of leaving the door unlocked. A few more moments of debating with himself, he got up with a sigh. Heading towards the door, he checked the locks.

Yes, it was locked. 

Tsukasa groaned and went back to his room, getting comfortable for the second time. Within a few minutes, he found himself being enveloped in the darkness of sleep. 

Where was he?

He looked around, seeing himself back in the hospital room. 

Saki was awake and giggling at something. His father and mother smiled at her with fond expressions. His father ruffled Saki’s hair and chuckled. Seeing them smile brought one of his own to his face. 

He walked over to them and stubbed his toe on a table leg. He yelped out in pain, jumping up and down and cradling his foot.

“I’m fine! I’m fine!” 

He looked over to his family. They didn’t even look over.

Did…did they not see him?

He walked over to them, waving his hand. They hadn’t noticed. 

Did they not care about him? 

Were they happy without him? 

He tried touching them, but his hand went through their bodies. He tried hugging them, but it felt like embracing the air. He tried touching other items but the result was the same. 

Did he not exist? Was he a ghost?

Suddenly, he went through the floor. 

Falling, falling.

He fell into darkness, holding in a scream. He clawed at the air, desperately trying to hold on to something. Anything.

Suddenly, it stopped. He landed softly on the ground that he couldn’t see. He looked around, everything was too dark to see anything. He held out his hands, but he could see them, unlike his surroundings.

Where was he?

He stood up, glancing around at his surroundings. 

“Hello?” He called out. “Is anyone there?”

The only response was his echo. He walked around the pitch black, trying to find something. 

Tsukasa felt like a small child again, alone in his big house with nothing to do.

The coldness seeped into his skin, making its way towards his heart. He started to feel…empty. Hollow. Like he needed something but couldn’t get it.

He curled up into a ball and started to cry. 

This sensation was familiar, but…why did it affect him so much? 

Why couldn’t he build up resistance to it? 

He sniffled, feeling childish. For goodness sake, why was he like this? He was fourteen! He should be crying like a small child. He had no reason to be sad.

Those thoughts only amplified the feelings. It was like a dam breaking, all of his emotions flooded out at once and left him sobbing and screaming.

Why did this have to happen to him? He didn’t want to feel this way. He was fine without these feelings. 

He inhaled deeply, and forced himself to stop. His lips trembled with the action, desperate to break the cries and sobs through. He would though, because he is a mature person. 

Someone who doesn’t cry being left alone.

Slowly, the urge to scream out his misery lessened and he became numb. All of those emotions were gone, like they never existed. He breathed deeply. It was a little raspy, a little sore but what did he expect after crying his misery out?

He uncurled himself, and settled on the dark, cold ground. Or was it a floor? It didn’t have any texture to it, an odd sensation. It was physical though, but he couldn’t think of what it could be. It was just there.

He lifted his right arm, playing with his hand, making it close and open. What would he do now?

He dropped his arm, and it landed with a thump. 

He left hollow, empty, unfilled.  

Tsukasa didn’t like this feeling.

⋆⌑✧✩✧⌑⋆

He sighed, “Emu, we can’t sleep in the Sekai.”

Tsukasa pinched his nose, closing his eyes to get a hold of his annoyance.

Emu pouted. “But why? We could have so much fun here! And we could work for a long time!”

“Emu…I don’t think that’s safe,” Nene said.

“But! Sekai wouldn’t hurt us!” She protested. 

Nene sweatdropped. “Emu, what about your family?”

“Exactly! Your family’s gonna come looking for you and start blaming us if you’re missing!” Tsukasa jumped in, desperate to stop her ridiculous ideas before something bad happened. He shruddered at the heavy gaze her mascot/bodyguard gave him from the bushes. They couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Tsukasa knew if Emu was in any danger they would NOT hesitate to body slam something to the ground.

The girl pouted even deeper, somehow. Fake(?) tears sprung up in the corners of her eyes as she did her best puppy dog eyes. “B-but I want to spend time with you guys! And I can just let them know before practice ends!”

Tsukasa shoved his face into his hands and screamed. His hands did little to muffle it, but the bustling theme park would keep any passer byers from hearing it and being concerned. Hopefully.

“You already broke into our school!” He reminded her, desperately trying to stop her from sleeping in an alternate dimension/world/whatever Sekai is. “Several times! You didn’t even get caught!”

“No!” She protested. “That’s different! I had to leave after! If we sleep in the Sekai, we won’t have to leave for a looong time and we’ll have all of our equipment with us!”

Tsukasa and Nene groaned. 

“Fufu~” Rui giggled, jumping in for the first time since the conversation started. He had been observing it with an amused face.“Why don’t we sleep over at Tsukasa’s house then?”

Tsukasa gasped and looked at him with wide eyes. “No! You can’t just come over to my house uninvited! It’s literally my house! Offer out your own house!”

“Eeeeeh? Isn’t it Saki's house too?” Emu pointed out. “Then, we just have to get permission from your family!”

The family that isn’t present most of the time. Something inside of him reminded him.

“We—I—but—” Tsukasa stammered. He gave up trying to convince them not too, and just face-palmed and groaned. Nene patted his back, it was no surprise she felt pity for him. Emu’s will and determination could never be held back. Unstoppable force meets immovable object, as they say. Only Tsukasa’s will isn’t as immovable as Emu's is unstoppable.

Tsukasa sighed, before tiredly looking at Emu and saying, “Fine, let me call my parents.”

With that, he left. Emu cheered and jumped around in the air. “Nene! Isn’t this cool? We get to sleep over at Tsukasa’s house!”

“Yes…” Nene managed out weakly. “Very cool. Yay.”

Tsuksa went backstage, calling the home phone. After a few rings, it picked up. 

“Tsukasa? Is something wrong?” His mother asked, concerned.

He took a breath, “Can I have some friends sleep over? They’re from my troupe, Wonderlands x Showtime, and we wanted to have more time to practice.”

“Wonderlands x Showtime?” She paused. “Sure! As long as you’re fine with us leaving in the evening, your father has a business trip and I’m his plus one.”

“That’s fine!” He said smiling. “That way, you don’t have to worry about us!”

His mother hummed. “I’ll tell Saki you have friends coming over, but she probably won’t be back until later. Band practice, you know?”

Tsukasa nodded, even though he knew that his mother wouldn’t be able to see it. “That’s fine with me!”

In the distance, he heard something heavy falling on the ground, followed by cries of surprise. He sighed, “I’ll see you later! I have to go now, love you!”

“Oh, okay! See you later Tsukasa, love you too. I’m glad that you’re finally having friends over.” His mother replied before he ended the call. He tried not to think about that last comment she added in. 

Tsukasa prepared himself for what he was going to see. But he didn’t expect a whole bench to be toppled, his fellow members on the ground with it. They were all groaning in pain, with Nene groaning the loudest. She was tired of their antics and the pain of hitting the rough, solid ground didn’t help either. Tsukasa briefly considered screaming ‘What happened!?’ before decided against it.

Tsukasa sighed once again, “I have permission from my mother that we can have a sleepover.” 

He mumbled the last part. Emu cheered and thanked him while Rui grinned. 

“I guess we’ll meet up at Tsukasa’s house after practice?” Nene said. “After we get our stuff of course,”

Emu nodded excitedly, jumping up and down.

“It’ll be nice to see what kind of house our star lives in. “ Rui said thoughtfully. “But first we have to finish practicing for our next show. Then we can prepare for our sleepover.”

Everyone agreed with him and got back to work. The idea of the sleepover seemed to excite everyone, even Nene who wouldn’t usually be. Hell, even Tsukasa’s a bit excited and he never wanted the sleepover in the first place.

Soon, practice ended with the sun near the horizon and the skies turning a pinkish hue. Tsukasa wiped the sweat off of his brow and drank water. He glanced at the others and saw Nene on the floor leaning against Robo-Nene. Emu was fussing over her and telling her to hydrate while Rui was off in the wings fidgeting with their props.

Tsukasa gathered his things and spoke up, “I’ll send my address to the group chat, and I’ll wait for you guys at home. I need to clean up some stuff and make sure everything is neat and tidy as it should be! Any less would be less than star-like behavior!”

Usually, they would all walk together once they were all packed up and would only separate at Scramble Crossing, but not today.

“Of course, we’ll see you soon, Tsukasa.” Rui said.

“Yes! See you soon, Tsukasa!!!” Emu added on.

Nene only hummed in response, but that was the usual so Tsukasa wasn’t surprised. He waved them off and walked home. The streets were busy, everyone was aiming to go home as fast as they could. The drone of chatter filled the air and he settled into the notion of weaving through the crowd. Soon, he found himself at the familiar doorstep of his house.

Tsukasa unlocked the door, saying he was home to whoever was inside. His mother’s voice greeted him from the kitchen and he was pleasantly surprised. He was used to going home with no one inside, so hearing his mother’s voice was a comforting sound.

Going to his room first, he engaged in small talk with his mother. Tsukasa was glad he had an open wall, it made hearing his family from downstairs easier. Even if he had to yell half of the time, but that was great! That meant more vocal practice! He listened to how his mother’s day went, paying attention to every detail. When the conversation slowed, he jumped in to mention that he was going to clean up the house and shower afterwards.

Tsukasa headed downstairs and went into the closet to get a mop and cleaning supplies. 

“Tsukasa,” She said, gathering his attention. “Your father is getting ready right now and after a while we’re going to leave. Are you going to be okay?”

He looked at her in confusion, “Of course! It’s not anything I haven’t handled before.”

She seemed saddened by his response and it puzzled him. After a few seconds of silence, she spoke up. 

“You know, I’m happy you’re having friends over.”

That was odd. “I’m glad you’re happy! Should I have them over more often..?”

His mother looked at him with an unreadable expression, though she tried to hide it. She looked like she was about to say something before his father suddenly came into the living room. He was fixing his tie and noticed his son. 

“Tsukasa! How are you?”

“I’m wonderful! How about you?” He smiled.

“Ah, I’m okay. That’s good to hear!” His father turned to his wife, “Are you ready?”

She nodded, and they both headed out to the door. As they were putting their shoes on, his mother turned to him, “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“Of course! I’ll be okay, don’t worry. You can trust me,” He reassured her with a gentle smile. “I hope you have fun.”

Chuckling, his father replied, “I hope you have fun too, with your theater troupe.”

He got up, and opened the door for his wife and motioned for her to go first. Before he closed the door, he made eye contact with Tsukasa, “See you later, love you.”

Tsukasa’s features softened, “Love you too, see you later.”

The door closed with a click and he heard the chatter of his parents from beyond it. Soon he heard their car drive away and it was only then he went to work. First, he would make sure everything was dusted, the floor was sparkly, and every surface shined. Yes, it would be the ultimate, clean home of a star.

Once he finished, he showered and made sure he was fresh and clean. Tsukasa changed into comfortable yet presentable clothes, and waited for his friends to arrive. A few minutes later, he received texts from Emu saying that she was ready and leaving her house. Soon, Rui’s message of ‘Almost there, Nene is with me.’ was sent.

There was a knock on the door, and he walked to unlock it. He saw all of his troupe members at the doorstep and welcomed them inside. That was fast.

“Welcome to my lovely abode! Make yourself at home, but don’t make a mess!”

Emu immediately went inside and looked around with noises of excitement. Rui went in after her, humming to himself in thought as he looked.

“Wow! Your house is so big!” Emu said in awe.

Tsukasa sweatdropped, “Not as big as yours,” 

“Where’s your room, anyways?” Nene asked. “I need to set my things down.”

“Of course! I’ll show you the way, follow me!”

He led them up the stairs to his room. Emu squealed once she saw it and started bouncing around.

“Why are you missing a wall?” Nene deadpanned.

“Why is that the first thing you notice?!” 

“I don’t know, maybe because it’s right there?”

“Oh oh! Let me guess!” Emu raised her hand. “It’s so that you can project your voice to your family when you need to!”

“Spot on, Emu!” It was not, in fact, spot on. Okay, maybe a little. That wasn’t the whole reason though.

When he was younger, he had wanted the open room because it had looked like a stage, and it was interesting to have. As he grew older, he began to realize that the open wall had let him hear when his family would be back. It also let him hear what was going on in the house, filling the empty silence that was usually there when they were gone.

Nene sighed, “I should have known that.”

“Hm? Don’t you have a lack of privacy with this?” Rui asked.

Well, yes. That was one of the downsides, but the positives outweigh the negatives so Tsukasa could live with it.

“Yes, but it doesn’t concern me! My parents have installed a curtain that I can use whenever I want to.” Tsukasa reassured them.

“You can oversee the living room!” Emu said, leaning on the railing.

“That’s weird,” Nene commented even further. She had already set her bag at the end of his bed. “Your whole room is weird, what’s with your sense of design? Why is there a giant mirror? Why is your bed just in the middle of the room next to a wall?”

Tsukasa wilted, even he did not know why his bed was there. “The mirror is there to practice my poses of course!”

Nene seemed even more troubled by that statement. “Weirdo…” 

“Hey!”

“Tsukasa’s odd room aside, I have a few plans for our next shows.” Rui said, immediately gathering their attention. “Would you like to see them?”

“Yes!” 

“Of course!”

“Sure,”

They talked and bounced off ideas for a while, enjoying themselves. The door then opened, and a voice called out.

“I’m home! I just got to get some things then I’m going to Icchan’s house!” Saki said.

Tsukasa got up to meet with his sister, a smile evident on his face. “Saki, welcome home! You’re having another sleepover?”

She hummed, “Yup! The girls and I thought it was a good idea to spend time together, with you know, everything with me and all.”

His smile softened, “Looks like we had the same idea! My troupe is here to sleepover as we brainstorm new show ideas.”

“Oh really? I should go say hi to them before I leave.”

As if on cue, Emu jumped onto them from the corner. ”Saaaakii!!! Hi!”

Tsukasa took the brunt of the weight. “Oi! You can’t just sneak attack us like that!”

“Ah, Emu! How are you?”

“I’m very wonderhoy! You’re having a sleepover too?” She asked with bright eyes.

“Yes! Honchan suggested the idea and I really wanted to go! Me, Icchan, Honchan, and Shichan are going to Icchan’s house and staying for the night!”

“Waah! That sounds fun!”

Rui and Nene entered the scene with respectful greetings. 

“Oh, you’re Rui and Nene right? I hope my brother has been treating you all well.”

“Of course I have! What kind of person would I be if I wasn’t?!”

Rui giggled, “Your brother is a wonderful person, I can assure you that.”

“That’s good,” Saki said, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to go get ready. I'll see you guys later!”

“Ah! Sorry for holding you up Saki, we’ll go back to my room now, have fun at your sleepover!”

“It’s fine, big brother.” She reassured him. “Have fun at your’s!”

Tsukasa sputtered incoherantly while Saki giggled. She excused herself from the group, and they watched her go upstairs into her room in silence. Tsukasa watched her with a proud smile.

“Your sister’s nice, Tsukasa.” Nene murmured.

“She is! Saki’s very strong, with everything that happened to her.” He said, walking up the stairs. “I wish I could have done more for her in her childhood.”

He shook off the feeling of melancholy and nostalgia and looked at his friends. They looked at him with odd expressions, but he brushed it off. “Now, where were we?”

“Ah, I believe we were at the part where…”

The conversation dissolved into talks about their shows and how they could improve them. It was only interrupted by Saki’s call of ‘See you later!’ in which Tsukasa replied with, “Of course! Have fun!”

“Is your house usually this empty?” Nene asked.

He looked at her in confusion, where did this come from?

“Yes, it’s always been like this even when I was younger, why?” 

They shared a look, something that he couldn’t decipher but knew it was not good.

“Tsukasa, where were your parents when you were younger?”

He looked at them with even more confusion. His parents had always had a hard time choosing whether to leave Saki or him, so he had always made it easier on their minds by assuring them he’ll be fine at home.

“Usually at the hospital or at work, but they would always try to come home in time. It didn’t usually work out though,” He muttered the last part.

Emu looked at him with a sad expression, “Tsukasa must have been so lonely…”

“Eh?! Where is all of this coming from?” He asked with wide eyes. “It would only get lonely sometimes but it was completely fine!”

That comment seemed to lower her mood even more as her eyes filled with tears. Tsukasa looked at her with a panicked expression. “Why are you so affected by this?!”

He looked at his other troupe members; they had similar downtrodden faces. The confusion and panic grew even further.

“Why are you not?” Rui asked him. 

Tsukasa paused, why was he not affected by this? He thought back to his childhood memories, as patchy and fuzzy they were. He does not remember feeling lonely but, wait—

A sudden barrage of memories crashed into his mind. Oh, the thoughts, the feelings. It was all too much for him, but he kept it inside. Because that was what star’s did, clear the path for others while shining brightly for them. 

Tsukasa smiled, strained and forced. “Don’t worry! I was fine, and all that time alone gave me a lot of time to do things for myself!”

“...It’s okay to feel lonely, or sad sometimes, Tsukasa.” Rui said softly. “You don’t have to act all of the time.”

“I was not sad!” He denied. It was like throwing paper at a brick wall. “I’m not acting!”

“It was a difficult childhood for you and that’s okay.” He said, pressing onto it. “You shouldn’t keep it all inside.”

Something inside of him snapped. “Leave it alone,”

They flinched and looked at him with wide eyes. His friends didn’t expect that from him, and he didn’t know that ugly emotion would suddenly take over with no warning. Emu’s tears were falling now, and Nene was looking at him with a combination of mixed emotions. He immediately regretted his outburst. 

Looking away with burning eyes, he apologized. “I apologize for my outburst, that was not right in any way to treat you guys like that.”

They all stayed silent, looking away from him. Nene shifted uneasily and Emu’s shoulders were shaking.

“I apologize for pressing onto the issue,” Rui responded.

“No, it’s fine. You were just trying to help.” Tsukasa said in an apathetic tone he didn’t know he could make. He cringed inside a little.

“We were just trying to understand you…” Nene murmured. “If that’s too much, then we can drop it right now.”

He stared at her, unsure of what to say. He was never offered that before, and he never asked for it. Was it that easy? 

Understanding, comfort, support. Tsukasa was always used to giving those things to other people, and he never knew he could ask for it himself.

The dam broke once again, and this time he wasn’t alone to power through it. Emu hugged him, chanting out comforting and soothing words. Rui and Nene immediately joined in doing the same.

He cried out all the times he was left alone. All of the times he said he was fine, all of the times he pretended to be okay, and they listened. Tsukasa told them everything in broken pieces because that was what he was. Broken pieces pretending to be whole. He remembers, and this time, he wants to.

But maybe, he could start the healing process now. Sure, he would never be whole again, but he could embrace the cracks rather than pretend they weren’t there. 

Yes, that sounds like a good idea, Tsukasa thought as his hold of consciousness loosened. 

Where was he?

Ah, he was back in the cold, dark place. 

Why would he be here? He didn’t like being in this place, it only reminded him of the bad memories and there was no one here to listen.

Would they ever leave? Once they figured he was not worth it, would they abandon him?

Leave him alone, like all of the times he insisted on being?

Would he have to go back home to an empty house, and no warmth to fill him?

He looked up to the sky, and inky black, and wondered.

The sky suddenly parted with a gentle light. Rays of light hitting every corner of the dark place, transforming it into something different. 

Something warmer, something more comforting.

Three figures stood in the difference, their hands outstretched. 

Though he could not see their faces, he knew exactly who they were and headed towards them.

Tsukasa took their hands as they embraced him, smiling and laughing. Soon there was a smile on his own face as he thought, ‘This is nice,’

Tsukasa woke with a gentle start, his eyes bleary and blurry. It was dark out, but the moon was full, lighting his room with a cool light. He shifted and soon found out that they were all piled on top of him in a hazardous group hug.

He was the only one awake, so he was careful not to disturb them. Tsukasa observed their faces, gentle and peaceful, with only hints of red eyes and dried tears on each of them. 

He smiled softly and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

Tsukasa liked this feeling.

He was happy.

And warm.

And he wouldn’t have it any other way.