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Wylan took a deep shuddering breath. The smell of the sea. The cold wind. The way the ship moved. It was bringing him back to that day. The day his father tried to have him killed.
That had been the worse day of his life yet to come. He never thought his father would actually kill him. He thought he might remember that Wylan was his son after all and if he was going to have him disappear, let it not be by murder. Wylan felt like an idiot for actually believing his father didn’t hate him. Just strongly disliked him. But Wylan had proven by now that he was in fact a fool. At least he felt that way. He had been told plenty of times by others in the Barrel that he was brilliant, even if not the best criminal. But that was only because he had never wanted to be a criminal.
He leaned against the railing of the ship, his back to the others behind him. Inej was still under watch by Nina, Matthias was sitting opposite him with his back against the railing, Jesper was sitting polishing his revolvers, and Kaz was on the stern watching over as always.
They were on the way to Fjerda, to break into the Ice Court. It was extremely dangerous. Wylan didn’t even want to come. At least Jesper would be there. He at least trusted Jesper. Even if he was too nervous to ever say so, he really liked Jesper. But he knew Jesper wouldn’t ever want him back. So he locked that up inside of himself. And yet some part of him had started to become hopeful. For a few moments after the battle in the harbour Wylan had been flushed and shaken. What Jesper had yelled down at him made him feel confident with himself. But that had gone away quickly enough when he remembered what a useless disgrace he was.
Unconsciously his hand had moved around the spot of his throat where the hand had tried to suffocate him those few months ago. He leaned on the railing taking deep breaths. His breathing had started to become quick. To quick. No he told himself. I will not cry over this. He took another breath shutting his eyes tightly. Slowly his breathing became even again, despite the fact that he still felt wound up, and ready to burst at any moment.
He pushed away and went to sit down near Jesper, hoping that his presence would be enough to help calm him down even more. He sat down close enough they could talk normally if they had too, but far enough that it didn’t seem like he wanted to be with Jesper.
“Merchling.” Jesper greeted him, “Did you desire my pleasant company?” He jokingly said.
Wylan rolled his eyes, then brought his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin atop his knees. They sat in silence for awhile before Wylan asked Jesper something that had been on his mind for a little while.
“Jesper?”
“Yes?”
“How did you get so good at shooting?”
Jesper looked up from what he was doing, “I’ve been doing it since I was a child. My mother taught me and then I improved with time.” He made eye contact with Wylan, “Why do you ask?”
Wylan pinked slightly, “I was just curious.” He sighed. It must be nice to be useful, he thought quietly to himself. Or he thought he hadn’t said that out loud. But the look Jesper was giving him told him otherwise.
“Why wouldn’t you be useful?”
Wylan cursed himself. He took a breath, “Never really been good at anything much. Never had anyone tell me I was helpful.”
Jesper looked at him curiously, “Does this also have to do with the reason your not living in a rich merch house and instead are slumming in the Barrel?”
“Maybe.”
He heard Jesper sigh and then continue on with what he was doing. Wylan really didn’t want to talk about his father.
“Your a fool for thinking anything could make up for your failure.”
He must have made a noise because Jesper turned to him, “What’s up?”
Imbecile.
Wylan didn’t say anything. Instead he just focused on what was going on around him. Everything about being on this ship set him on edge. He had no idea how to respond to Jespers question. Everyday he feels like a burden. Maybe his father was right. Maybe he didn’t deserve happiness.
Worthless.
Jesper didn’t try to make him answer, instead just returning to his guns. Wylan sat there trying not to let his emotions overwhelm him, determined not to lose control. They sat in a comfortable silence neither one of them breaking it. Wylan heard the voice as if it were right next to him. He shivered.
“Saints, Wylan. You’re so useless. Just a disgrace. A weakling.”
Wylan tried to push the voice away. He had them before. It had been awhile since he hadn’t had to many thoughts of his father during the day. Only the nightmares that sometimes woke him, crying and sweating.
Useless. Disgrace. Disappointment. Stupid.
More of the past insults came in. The voice getting louder. Wylan felt his eyes well up with tears. He took a breath, determined not to cry. He refused to show any signs of weakness.
Idiot. Burden. Weak.
He felt tears fall from his eyes silently and made know move to wipe them away. Instead he tried to focus on making sure that more wouldn’t follow.
Useless. Disgrace. Disappointment. Stupid.
Wylan couldn’t take it anymore. He sprang up not even caring that Jesper was there, and ran to find a corner to hide in.
He curled up below deck, hidden behind a few barrels. As soon as he was hidden he let a sob escape. His whole body shook as his fathers voice continued to fill his head.
“Look at you Wylan. Crying like a child. No wonder no one can stand you”
He cried harder, pushing his head into his arms.
“If you weren’t so weak you’d be able to actually be useful.”
Idiot. Disappointment. Dumb. Stupid. Imbecile. Weak.
He dug his finger nails into his arms, hard enough that he drew blood. It flowed freely down his arms but he couldn’t care less.
Illiterate. Fool. Untrustworthy. Failure.
“Why would anyone want anything to do with you?”
“You’re only trouble, not worth anyone’s time.”
“Why are you still here? What is it that you deserve?”
“Nothing. You deserve nothing.”
“No one cares enough to even come find you.”
Disgrace. Imbecile. Fool. Failure. Stupid. Dumb.
He sobbed into his arms, rocking back and forth, trying to stop the voices. But they only got worse. His body shook worse. He couldn’t take it.
“Why would anyone check on you.”
“No one cares.”
“Everyone hates you.”
“Why would they care?”
“You’re stupid for even wanting happiness.”
He jumped up not being able to handle it. Before he even thought through what he was doing, he had thrown himself against the opposite side of the ship, crying out in pain, and falling to the ground sobbing harder then before.
“See how stupid you are? You can’t even think for yourself.”
Selfish. Imbecile. Pain. Burden. Foolish.
“Grow up Wylan.”
“You will always be nothing.”
“No one will ever want you.”
Idiot. Careless. Illiterate. Failure. Disgrace.
Wylan was crying so hard he hadn’t heard the approaching footsteps. He felt someone touch his shoulder gently.
“Wylan?” Jesper said softly. No joking or amusement in his voice now.
Wylan ignored him. The last thing he had wanted was Jesper to see him like this. He would have rather been left alone, even with these thoughts.
“Wylan, what’s wrong?”
In response Wylan sobbed harder, his head still buried in his arms. He refused to show his face. He knew Jesper could feel his body shaking and definitely could hear his sobs.
Jesper sat down in front of him. Wylan felt his eyes on the top of his head. He wanted to see his face. He really did. But he knew that Jesper really didn’t care. He probably was just there because Kaz needed Jesper to come get him.
Wylan’s sobbing only got worse. He could barely breath. Whatever breaths he was taking came in short panicked gasps as he lost air.
“You know Jesper doesn’t care.”
“Such a waste of space.”
“Why would he even care about you? An idiot like you?”
As soon as the voices returned Wylan had thrown himself against the opposite side again, across from Jesper. He fell sobbing hard still.
Disgrace. Disappointment. Selfish. Idiot.
“Saints! Wylan!” Jesper quickly came to Wylan’s side.
Wylan curled farther away from him.
Jesper reached out and put his hands on Wylan’s shoulders, “Wylan, can you try and breath?”
Wylan did try. He really did, but found himself unable to do so. He lifted his head to look at Jesper. Tears fell hard. He was ashamed Jesper was seeing him cry. He hated himself for it.
“Wylan, what can I do?” Jesper asked, sounding a bit desperate.
Wylan tried to speak but a sob cut him off.
“What is it Wylan?”
Wylan tried again, “C-Can I have a-a h-hug? P-P-Please?”
Jesper quickly pulled him into his arms. Wylan sobbed against his body, to calm himself but finding it harder with each passing moment.
“Shhhh, you’re okay. You’re okay.” Jesper whispered into his ear.
Wylan took a deep breath. But it was hard. It felt like with each breath he took, the hand on his throat closed tighter. He tried again. This time he felt a hand at his throat loosen slightly and quickly moved his own hand to the spot. Like every time no other hand was there.
“Do you want to try and breath with me again?”
Wylan nodded. Jesper breathed with him, helping him stabilise his breathing. Minute after minute went by. Slowly Wylan’s breathing calmed, but he was unable to stop crying. This time had opened way to tears he had been holding in for too long.
“Do you feel better?” Jesper asked softly.
Wylan pulled away, and sat cross legged in front of Jesper, “A little.” He sighed.
Jesper patted his shoulder, “Can I ask what happened?”
Wylan’s tears flowed quicker. They weren’t the terrible sobs they’d been, but now silent tears.
“I don’t think I’m ready to share that yet.”
“That’s okay.”
“I just…I don’t know. This hasn’t happened in a while. Not since—” he cut himself off not ready to say what had been coming next.
“Not since what?” Jesper asked softly.
“I-I um…” Wylan took a deep breath, “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that either.”
“That’s okay.” Jesper said quietly again, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Wylan bit down on his lip, “Not really. I feel horrible.” He looked down at his hands for any skin to pick. He pinched the back of his hand to pull some up.
“Would you like to stay here or go back up yet?”
“C-Can I stay here for now?”
“Of course we can stay here.”
“You don’t have to stay here with me.” Wylan said softly, “You can go if you want.”
“Wylan, I’m not leaving you right now.”
Wylan looked back up, “Thanks.”
Wylan laid back against Jesper, still embarrassed. He was quiet for a moment but then he said, “I’m sorry.”
Jesper looked down at him in confusion, “For what?”
“For this. You shouldn’t have to calm me down. It’s all my fault. It’s a-all my f-fault.” He started sobbing again.
“Wy, it’s not your fault.”
Wylan hiccuped, “Wy?!”
“Shit, sorry I—” Jesper started, but Wylan cut him off.
“It’s okay. I’ve just never been called that. My dad used to just call me a disgrace.” He winced. He’d said that without thinking and cursed himself.
“What? Wy what do you mean?” Jesper asked softly.
Wylan pushed away from Jesper and pulled his knees up to his chest. Jesper reached forward and squeezed his hand, holding it gently.
“Wylan?”
“Please just forget I said that. I didn’t mean it.”
“Wylan, did he really do that?”
Wylan nodded, “Yes. And more.” He whispered, shuddering slightly.
“Like what?” Jesper asked carefully, trying not to make him uncomfortable.
In response Wylan lifted his right sleeve, and showed Jesper the scar that ran up his forearm. Jesper traced it with his finger making Wylan blush hard, but Jesper didn’t notice.
“There’s more?”
“Yes.”
“Like this?”
“Worse.”
Jesper pulled him closer again, but not before he noticed the blood on Wylan’s arms from where his nails had cut.
“Saints Wy, that looks bad.” He hugged him tighter, “How about we go bandage your arms?”
Wylan nodded against him. Jesper stood up and offered Wylan his hand. He took it and let Jesper pull him up. Once he was standing Wylan tried to pull his hand from Jespers grasp, but he wouldn’t let him.
“Jesper?”
“What?”
“Actually never mind.” He said blushing furiously again.
Jesper didn’t let go of his hand. Not until the walked in to where Nina was tending to Inej and Jesper moved to grab bandages, not wanting to disturb Nina with another person to heal.
“Wylan, Jesper.” She greeted. Wylan wasn’t looking towards her, aware he was still crying slightly even if he mostly had stopped.
“Hello Nina.” He said.
Jesper grabbed his shoulder, “Come on let’s go bandage your arms.”
“Okay Jesper.” He glanced at Nina. She noticed the tears rolling down his cheeks and hugged him tightly.
“Wylan are you okay?” She asked, voice full of concern.
Wylan glanced at Jesper, “Yeah, I am now.”
She followed his gaze and muttered softly in his ear, “Of course you do.” And with that turned back to Inej.
Jesper sat back in the same spot as when he’d been polishing his revolvers. Wylan sat down next to him. The blood had welled up pretty badly. He noticed blood on his shoulder as well. Probably from where he threw himself around.
Wylan let Jesper roll his sleeves up and tightly wrap his bloody arms up once they’d been cleaned. He wasn’t sure if Jesper had seen the blood on his shoulder. He didn’t want Jesper to have to do that one as it required him to somewhat remove his shirt.
“Wylan, can we do your shoulder now?”
Wylan flinched back away from him. He didn’t want Jesper to see him.
“If I have to have Matthias hold you down Wylan, I will. That will get infected.”
Wylan tried to move back, but Jespers grip was tight.
“Please Jesper. I don’t want to. Please.” He knew he sounded like a child, but he just couldn’t do it.
“Wylan, It will only be for second, then you’ll be fine.”
Wylan took a breath. Truthfully he didn’t know why he was so scared. It’s not like he was hiding anything other then scars, which he knew the others had as well. He knew he was over reacting. That things like this shouldn’t bother him. But he couldn’t help it. He took another deep breath. Then another, feeling slightly better.
He looked back at Jesper, “Okay.”
He slowly popped the buttons on his shirt and slid the side down with the wound. He felt vulnerable sitting there. Especially since it was Jesper caring for his wounds. If it had been Nina, this wouldn’t have bothered him as much.
Jesper made quick work of it, pulling Wylan’s shirt up on his own, and buttoning it up for him.
“Thanks, Jesper.” He murmured quietly.
“Of course Wy.”
Wylan leaned back. He was exhausted. All the crying had worn him out. His face was still wet and he felt an ache in his heart. He turned to Jesper.
“Can I have another hug? Please?”
Jesper delivered it immediately, “Wylan, I know I tease you a lot, but please know I don’t want to make you feel this way.” Wylan opened his mouth to say something but Jesper continued, “Don’t say it’s not my fault. I know I said something to you that triggered this anxiety.”
Wylan nodded slowly, “I don’t blame you Jesper.”
“Jes.”
“What?”
“You don’t have to use my full name.”
Wylan smiled sleepily, “Okay Jes. And thanks for everything.”
Wylan felt himself begin to drift off into sleep. He heard Jesper something but was unable to make out the words.
“What’d you say Jes?”
“Nothing Wy.”
But before Wylan fell asleep he could have sworn he felt Jesper kiss the top of his head.