Archive of Our Own ^beta

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“What even is the point of science? To make me suffer?” Finn as usual is complaining about his homework on the floor instead of even trying to do it.

This meant Dutch had to listen to his endless complaining. “Science is why you’re here.”

He scowls. “So? I don’t need to owe science my life.”

The other snorts but instead of commenting further, focuses more on his own work. Dutch found the subject more easy than Finn does.

He then fell silent and just blankly stares at him.

…

After a short silence Dutch sees him still staring out of the corner of his eye.

“I’m not doing your work Finn.”

The younger narrows his eyes. “Why not?”

“Because you’re seventeen, not seven.”

“That’s not fair, I’m going to fail this!” Finn makes some dramatic hand gestures.

“If you don’t even try, you will fail.”

Finn emits a long suffering groan until a loud bang on the wall startled both of them.

“Can you shut the fuck up?! Even deep women should know how to stay quiet!” Their oldest brother either shouted or screamed.

Finn cringed and fell quiet wanting to just curl under his blanket rather than do anything else. His eyes started to sting so he held his papers to the side in case he actually cried.

Someone sits next to him with a barely audible sigh and takes the papers out of his shaking hands.

“Finny, I can’t do your work, but I can help you and then big brother is going to remind the bastard that this is why he’s still a virgin.”

Finn manages to nod, the twisting feeling in his gut feeling like it was trying to freeze his whole body.

He slightly leans closer to Dutch, eyeing the door between listening to him as if he was worried the door would be knocked down despite being locked and having their dresser pushed against it.

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Dutch’s unpleasant dreaming is interrupted by a hand grabbing his shirt sleeve. He pries his aching eyes open, most likely because he cried himself to sleep again. He pans his gaze over to the weakening and shaking grip.

Unsurprisingly, Finn was silently crying with low pained breaths.

“What’s wrong? Can you breathe?” Obviously Finn never stops breathing but sometimes he would start to cry and scream on how he couldn’t breathe. Never fails to make Dutch also panic.

He lightly shakes his head, wincing as he does so.

“H...hurts.” He speaks despite every time he moved his jaw even slightly, it hurt like hell.

“I know...I’m sorry.” The first time Dutch woke up to Finn’s cold body, he swore he almost had a heart attack, frantically searching for a pulse. Obviously he found it, for some reason his brother is just naturally cold, like how Dutch is naturally warm.

The six year old hoped he would have enough money for the treatment soon. It was the only thing that would give them both a semi good night rest. Though Dutch wondered if he would still worry by habit. Or would he grow out of it?

Some he had to steal because for fucks sake, their parents had enough money for the treatment! They just actively decided they were just content to let Finn die.

Dutch eventually was caught stealing, thank his sister, and now has a crack on his screen where their father kicked him.

Every night he feared that tomorrow would be the day he would wake up to a corpse. He had to mentally shout at himself, he won’t just randomly drop dead. You make him eat and drink so he’ll be okay.

But what if a crazy killer comes in and kills him?! Dutch worried about this so much that Ninja’s parents bought a camera alarm system. They were staying at their friend’s house since clearly its too dangerous to leave Finn in their own house.

Ignoring the burning pain from moving, Finn shifts as close as he can to Dutch, wanting to feel more warm than cold.

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Finn would have thought he would grow out of go crying to Dutch’s room. He was twenty nine for fucks sake. He shouldn’t still be so emotional over this. It happened years ago.

It isn’t that bad. He tells himself. It could’ve gone further, he was lucky he was only given oral ‘tasks’. Finn was admittedly a freaky weirdo but he scrunched up his face. The general wasn’t a really attractive man, at least not to Finn.

So nothing made up for the blackmailing experience.

The blackmail wasn’t really anything physical like pictures. It was like if Finn didn’t listen, Jim had the power to push him down the ranks along with anyone he knew. Finn didn’t want to be the reason for Dutch’s life going even more downhill. He ruins enough just being in it.

Even though Finn sometimes broke down crying in the tent because of it, he still didn’t tell Dutch about any of it. A pain he wanted to express but he couldn’t. It always worried the other more since Finn usually always would be able to tell him what was wrong.

But even in the present day, he still couldn’t bring himself to say anything. What if Jim was right? What if Dutch does disown him for being a whore?

Finn would literally rather die than live in a future where he’s tossed aside.

These thoughts made Finn freeze in the doorway. He considered just giving up and instead sob in a corner. But when he heard the familiar voice utter his name tiredly, he felt like he had to go through his pathetic plan.

Finn nearly tripped over his own feet while slowly approaching the bed. Was he scared? He didn’t know. He sinks down and presses his cheek against the mattress.

He hears Dutch sit up with a confused noise.

...Oh right. He usually just forces his way under Dutch’s blanket, something he’s been doing since childhood. Now Dutch knew something was wrong.

He’s so dumb.

Finn’s throat lets out a miserable sounding groan. He probably looks like a drenched dog begging to come inside to get out of the rain.

Dutch tugs on his arm, pulling him up so he would be able to hug him close properly.

Unfortunately his brain was conditioned to try to replace the sexual trauma thoughts with different sexual thoughts. That Finn tried to ignore, not because it made him uncomfortable.

It was because he was terrified Dutch would somehow read his thoughts.

So he desperately tried to focus more on the warmth of the comfort. Maybe if he was lucky, he would get so comfortable he’ll fall asleep! And hopefully not cry himself to sleep.

He could tell Dutch was asking him something on repeat. Probably on what was wrong. He still didn’t want to risk telling him.

“...Scared.” Was all Finn was willing to say, because technically that is true. He is scared.

“Of what?”

He shakes his head against his shirt, the obvious sign that Finn didn’t want to talk about it.

Dutch sighs quietly but doesn’t push further and doesn’t pull him away.

Maybe one day Finn could open a ‘hypothetical’ question to test how he would react to it instead of possibly fucking their lives up further.

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Dutch feels like he practically has torn his room apart, needing a specific shirt. One that that’ll cover his neck. Sure maybe he could just try to button up his jacket as high as he can. A scarf will be suspicious and he’s hot enough with a shirt and a jacket.

He told Finn not to do that and he did it anyway!

Ugh whatever he has some foundation, he can just apply under his fur, he can’t yell at him for it since everyone will hear him. So he’ll settle for spending his spare time glaring at him.

The smug little shit did notice but showed no sign of shame or guilt. Nothing apologetic on his face.

Dutch ignored the questioning looks of some of the soldiers at his random glaring.

During lunch, instead of glaring at him again, he just spammed him with texts and emojis.

I swear to god I’m going to fuck you up

Damn, again?

THIN. ICE. FINN.

“Do I even want to know why you’re so angry at him today?” Ninja sighed, sitting next to him.

Dutch pockets his phone. “No you don’t.” He lightly fingers the side of his neck and winces. Yeah it still lightly stung, Finn was no where close to a gentle bitter.

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Dutch’s eyes shoot open with his heart racing. He slowly gets confused when he sees the walls to his room. He’s pretty sure the last thing that happened was that gun shot. But that isn’t why he’s freaking out.

His brain is slowly catching up that there is something pressed against his side, almost practically glued on. Not reacting to Dutch’s sudden awakening.

He slightly peeks under the covers, so he doesn’t accidentally disturb, and almost laughs in complete relief. Its just Finn tightly curled against him.

Which obviously meant he wasn’t dead and that Dutch’s world is still in one piece.

He doesn’t want to risk waking him up, but he needs more physical proof that he’s actually here. He reaches under the blanket until he finds the shorter's curly messy hair.

He lets a shaky sigh of relief.

It had been a long day, Miles had decided he was going to test explosives in every trash can. Anne made zero move to stop him, her reasoning being ‘its so boring and quiet around here’.

Richard didn’t stop him with his, “Boys will be boys!”

So Finn was really tired, he hasn’t once slept in his room at the base, he just wasn’t used to the idea of sleeping alone. While Finn doesn’t really remember his early childhood, other from constant body pains, but something in it must be the reason why he simply prefers to sleep wherever Dutch is sleeping.

Due to the long day, he only very vaguely noted sudden movement. Not enough to really actually wake up fully.

He cracked an eye open when he felt shaky movement in his hair. It was obviously still dark out. It took a few moments for him to realize it was Dutch’s fingers. Though he didn’t know why he seemed to be shaking.

Finn didn’t ask though, the other didn’t like openly showing weakness like that. Dutch sometimes just does this when he’s feeling really anxious about something and this helps him calm down.

And the action was honestly moving Finn back into sleep.

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Finn soon discovered he hated ninety nine percent of the Teletubby population. Specifically, the girls at school. Not because he was a victim of bullying or anything like that.

But because they seemed obsessed with talking to Dutch with their stupid twirling ‘shy’ flirting. Oh shut up Karen, you aren't actually romantically interested.

Fucking whores.

Finn had no idea how to confront the problem, so he settled for glaring murderously if he was close enough to do so.

Feeling a great sense of satisfaction when they would pale with hopefully fear. Though he usually would look away when he spotted Dutch looking puzzled and about to glance at him. He'll probably get an annoying lecture if the other catches him doing it.

Fifty percent of the time, Ninja will physically remove him to nudge him in the direction of his next class. Preventing him from keeping a close look on them to make sure they kept their filthy paws to themselves.

He tries to walk backwards so he can continue his death stare but the navy blue Sun just turns him forward.

“FINN. Why are you being so paranoid?”

Finn shrugs, not knowing how to explain to him why. He and Dutch are already shunned by Ninja’s parents because they suspected the two were in an incestous relationship. He wouldn’t be helping his case by admitting a teen crush.

Maybe this was a short phase of his, who knows. What he does know is that girls are on his top ‘fuck you’ list. He’s mildly annoyed that Dutch actually knowledges them.

When Ninja’s parents decided they were going to move away, it brought mixed feelings.

Because he was their friend and that sucked, plus now they didn't have a place to avoid their family. And also he can now silently wish death on those girls and making silent throat silting motions as a clear threat. He's tempted to ruin their school lives, but that's a waste of his time.

...Guess it isn’t a phase.

Oh well.

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Finn woke up to a roar of thunder. It made him throw his blanket over his head. Which was faintly confusing to him. He wasn’t scared of thunder.

It felt like something was trying to push him down, but he barely was resisting the odd feeling. He starts feeling around for his stuffed fox. When he doesn’t find it on the bed, he crawls out of bed to look for it on the floor and under his bed.

Finn began to really panic when he realized he couldn’t find it ANYWHERE.

Where could he have possibly misplaced it? Though a part of his brain didn’t understand why he seemed to need it so bad. In a normal state of mind, if he needed to hold on to something, he could have just grabbed an extra pillow.

But his body was hellbent on finding his fox plush. He stumbles as he heads for his door, not sure why he’s finding it hard to walk straight.

Maybe he left it in the living room? He lifts up cushions off the couch, inside the couch, near the TV. He uses the sofa and walls to walk into the kitchen.

He looks in the silverware drawer, in all the cabinets. At least the ones he could reach. Finn opens the oven, but obviously it wasn’t in here. Peeks over the sink, not here either.

He opens the fridge, moving foods and drinks to see if its somehow in here.

Nope.

Finn sinks against the cold fridge door and on the as cold floor in defeat, feeling close to crying. He didn’t know where else to look, they didn’t have a washing machine so it obviously couldn’t be in one.

What has he done to deserve this?

“Finny? Why are you making so much noise in the kitchen?”

Finn turns his head, almost deer like, to see a dark figure at the opening of the kitchen. He almost hid under the dining table out of panic, but quickly realized it was Dutch’s voice.

He opens his mouth, but couldn’t really find anything to say in response.

After receiving no answer, confused, Dutch walks closer to see what exactly he was doing.

He was just sitting on the floor with his orange eyes glittering with unshed tears.

Concerned, he sits down next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Can’t find it.” Finn mumbles.

“Find what?”

“My fox. I need to find it.” His bottom lip quivers.

Dutch pauses for a few minutes, trying to figure out if he was talking about the foxes in the backyard or his stuffed animal fox.

“You think its in the kitchen?”

Finn lets out a distressed whine. “I don’t know where.”

“Did you check your closet?”

The other blinks at him, confused.

Dutch stands up and then grabs Finn’s arm to pull him up. He begins to panic once his legs start to freak out and shake. He holds onto his arm.

He’s even more confused and a bit concerned. Nothing seemed broken nor sprained, it was as if he forgot how to use them.

Dutch opens the closet with his free arm and Finn feels a heavy sense of relief seeing his familiar plush. He removes one hand to grab it but silently refused to let go of Dutch’s arm.

Puzzled, he leads Finn to his small bed. He carefully climbs under his covers, reluctantly letting go.

That is until the next round of thunder introduced itself and the short Black Clean was back clinging to the other’s arm with an almost loud shriek.

“..You don’t want to sleep in your bed?”

Finn shakes his head hard and fast, Dutch had to physically stop him, worried he’d injury himself. This time his legs were shaking so much, he couldn’t get his muscles to walk him out of his room. So Dutch had to carry him out.

Finn was almost glad about the situation, since Dutch’s room was bigger and warmer than his cold room.

Almost, since he didn’t like the way his heart was racing. Holding onto his fox and his brother at the same time and wasn’t not planning on letting go unless if it was very necessary.