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It doesn’t surprise Ichimatsu when Jyushimatsu gets himself a girlfriend.
Well, okay, the moments before they found out did kind of freaked him out, if only because his younger brother was acting all weird and not all like the Jyushimatsu he knows and lo—
So yeah. Aside from that, it doesn’t surprise him at all. In fact, it doesn’t surprise him that Jyushimatsu’s the first one among them to actually get one; he might be weird and spazzy and just a bit too much hyper, but he’s an angel, really. He’s good and kind unlike the rest of them.
She’s pretty, of course, and the photos of her and Jyshimatsu doesn’t do her justice. The way her wide brown eyes shine and the way her cheeks flush and the smattering of freckles on her nose would make any guy stop in their tracks, but the way she smiles and the overwhelming joy in her laugh is what makes her beautiful.
Jyushimatsu makes her smile and laugh, and the two of them looks perfect together.
“Hey, let’s go home,” Ichimatsu says to his other siblings. He doesn’t want to interrupt. That’s what he told himself, except his chest is aching and he doesn’t know if he can take any of this any more.
The next few hours are a blur—Ichimatsu remembers the teasing Jyushimatsu got the minute he came back home. He remembers the way he kept tossing and turning during the night, unable to sleep because his brother is going to ask her out again the next day. He remembers helping Jyushimatsu pick the perfect outfit, and he remembers following him along with his brothers because they’re all nosy like that.
He remembers, but it’s all hazy, because the whole time, the aching in his chest just won’t stop hurting.
And then she runs, leaving Jyushimatsu forlorn in the rain, umbrella forgotten on the ground. Seeing his brother heartbroken hurts, but there’s a part inside Ichimatsu that’s happy, happy that even for a little while, he gets to keep his brother.
It’s not really a revelation or anything that Ichimatsu hates himself. He knows that compared to his brothers, he’d never really amount to anything. But this happiness he’s feeling makes him hate himself even more.
The stay for a bit at Chibita’s oden stall after Jyushimatsu runs to the train station, but no one’s in a drinking mood after his brother breaks down in tears, so they all go home. Choromatsu-niisan rolls out the futon they all share, and they change into their pajamas and lay down, but no one’s seems to be actually intent on sleeping.
After a while, the door slides open.
Ichimatsu’s the first one to get up. He stands in front of his younger brother and asks, “Hey, you okay?”
Jyushimatsu smiles and nods at him, although it looks too sad on his face. Besides, his eyes are still red from crying. Ichimatsu doesn’t really know what to do, and before he second guesses himself he raises a hand and strokes his younger brother’s hair in what he hopes is in a comforting manner.
His smile then just turns a little bit less sad, and it makes Ichimatsu’s stomach flutter. “Nii-san… can I sleep next to you tonight?” Jyushimatsu asks.
“Sure,” Ichimatsu says. “Go get changed,” he adds. His brother nods again and goes to the bathroom. He turns around and orders his siblings to move. Surprisingly they did, without complaint.
He settles on his side of the futon, and Jyushimatsu comes out of the bathroom in his pajamas not long after. His younger brother lays down beside him, burrowing close to him. Ichimatsu turns to his side and wraps an arm around Jyushimatsu and holds him tight. His younger brother sighs, and clutches both of his hands to Ichimatsu’s chest.
Ichimatsu knows he shouldn’t be feeling this, happy and warm and content, not with his brother hurting. He also knows his feelings for Jyushimatsu are more than brotherly, and as much as he tried to push and wish it away, it won’t. So he decides then, that he’ll cherish this moment of happiness, Jyushimatsu in his arms, warm and solid in his embrace, to tide himself from the disgust and wretchedness he’ll surely be feeling for the rest of his miserable life.
It’s enough.
It has to be.