Work Text:
Cold wind blew through a street on the outskirts of Seoul, deserted at the late hour with the exception of a single person- Jay.
In his jacket pocket was an envelope that he'd found it in his mailbox earlier in the day. He had yet to open it, reading the words on the front alone had sent him into a tailspin which is how he'd ended up out at such a late hour in the first place.
'We hope this helps you find the answer you're looking for.'
Jay leaned his forearms against the railing along the side of the road and blew out a trembling breath as he buried his face in his hands. Why… why did things have to be this way? Why couldn't it just be an easy choice?
The choice he'd been presented with was this: take a contract with a new company or join a group.
It might sound simple but there were pros and cons to both choices. If he took the contract, it looked like he'd finally be able to achieve the dream he'd set out towards when he'd first come to Korea: to become a solo artist. It would be a lonely path but he had enough confidence in his own abilities that he'd be able to do well. But the group… while it was a larger pool in which to fight for a spot in the limelight, he wouldn't have to face it all alone. He would have people to stand beside on stage and rely on if things got tough. And it wasn't just any group full of random trainees he'd never met; it was people that Jay knew and loved, people he trusted.
Most importantly: the group had Jongwoo. The person who had seen Jay at his best and worst but had stayed by his side through it all in the living hell of Boys Planet. Jongwoo was his safe place, his comfort, the person he lo- Jay shook his head quickly. No, he couldn't let himself finish that thought. He couldn't give his treacherous heart the voice it desired or it would break him entirely.
Being in a group with Jongwoo sounded like a beautiful dream… one that had to be too good to be true.
Worries filled his head, innumerable to count. If he went solo, would he be popular enough on his own to make it big? But if he joined the group, would he lose himself in the process and become just another face in the crowd? Did he want to be alone and have to face the idol world with no one at his side? What if, what if, what if… There were just too many variables to either side.
He had less than 24 hours to choose one- the contract offer was set to expire tomorrow night and CEO Kangnam was waiting on his answer so they could officially announce the group. And here he was, with hours left on what might be the most important decision of his life, standing on a deserted street practically pulling his hair out and he still didn't know what to do.
A frustrated sob tore out of him, unbidden and harsh, and Jay was glad that it was just him and the streetlights. He didn't think he could bear it if someone saw him like this now. His head and his heart were pulling him in two different directions and it was tearing him apart inside. He'd been having trouble sleeping for days and when he ate, it was all tasteless. He knew the others had noticed his strange behavior when they'd met up for meetings about the group and it only made the feeling worse, watching them all treat him with so much care while he hurt them in the process with his indecision.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and he ignored it, knowing it would only be another message from Taegyun, Seongmin, Yedam or Jongwoo. They'd all been trying to get a hold of him for most of the day. He knew it was shitty of him to ignore them and that he probably had them all worried sick but he couldn't bring himself to answer any of them just yet. Not until he'd made up his mind once and for all.
They deserved that much.
Jay reached into his jacket and pulled out the envelope. Carefully, he opened it and flipped through the sheets. It didn't take him long to realize that each page was a letter written by one of the others. He squeezed his eyes shut and blew out a trembling breath, bracing himself for what was to come.
The first one he opened was written all in English so it was easy to figure out who it belonged to.
Hey bro~
It's kinda weird writing you a letter when you're standing like five feet away from me as I'm doing it but I guess it's better this way. I hope these letters do help you make a decision, you've been so stressed out lately and it sucks to see you like that.
…Taking the contract is a smart move, I'm not gonna lie. That company is great and we all know that your talent would take you so far. But still… I don't want you to do it. I know it's not fair of me to say it and I'm probably the worst person to try to convince you to join a group but the time we've spent together until now- even just goofing around and having fun- I want more of that. I want us to dance and sing until we drop to the floor and can't move because of how hard we've worked.
I want us to fill that empty space.
I want to show the world what we're capable of.
I think we can be something great, the five of us. Even if it only lasts a day, a month, or even a year... I don't want us to waste whatever time we'll have together.
So please just think about it, okay?
TAG
He swallowed a bitter chuckle, Taegyun's letter made him laugh because of his blatant honesty and dry humor but it only served to confuse him even more. He flipped to the next one, noting the blockier writing that he recognized as Seongmin's.
Jay
Hi!! Jongwoo-hyung said that writing out what we wanted to say to you would be better than bombarding you all at once, so here it goes! (I'll try to keep it short.)
After Boys Planet, I wasn't sure if I'd get another opportunity like this. And honestly, I am kinda worried about how it'll work out. We're all so different and I wonder if we'll be able to blend together well. I think if you leave us, it won't work out for sure though. Ah wait! I don't- I'm not trying to pressure you or anything! I just… I really want us to stay together.
You're so, so talented. When I first heard your voice that day at the Star Level Test I was honestly blown away. I couldn't believe that you were just a trainee! It made me realize how much I wanted to show my own worth to everyone so that I could stand on stage and be proud of what I'd accomplished, no matter how it ended. So when Jongwoo-hyung offered for me to join the group, it felt like it was the chance I was looking for and even if I'm uncertain, I still want to try.
I've waited for this moment for so long. I promise that I'll work hard and I won't let it go to waste so please… Please stay with us, Jay.
Seongmin
Jay blinked back tears as guilt threatened to choke him anew, "Shit…"
He seriously hated that he was putting the guys through all of this and it made him feel like a bad friend because he was holding them back. All he had to do was make a choice and one way or another he'd at least be putting an end to his friends' misery. He sighed heavily. If only it were that simple.
When he moved on to the next one, he was greeted by a slightly lopsided drawing of a puppy. Or at least, that's what he assumed it was. It was cute in its messiness and he could picture the person drawing it with a concentrated look on their face. If the drawing hadn't already given it away, opening the letter and reading the first line would've clued Jay in as to whom its author was and it made a genuine smile cross his face as fondness bloomed in his chest.
Jay-hyung~
It's me, your favorite dongsaeng! ^o^ Jongwoo-hyung told me to write you a letter to express my feelings and hopefully help you figure out what you want to do about the whole contract thing. But me telling you what I want isn't really gonna help though, is it? You already know that I want you to stay with us. The rest of the hyungs want you to stay too, I think Jongwoo-hyung most of all…
But the most important thing is: what do you want hyung?
If you think taking the contract will be better for you then I'll be your #1 fan when you debut! (Don't tell the other hyungs but you're my favorite too ♡) But you'd have to promise to still come and hang out with us when you have free time, ok? I need you to teach me how to get better at videogames~
Seriously though hyung, if you choose to go I'll miss you like crazy but if it'll make you happy then that's all that matters to me!
Yedamie
Yedam's letter was like the maknae himself: sweet, playful and so genuinely good that it touched Jay to his soul. The warmth in his heart lasted for too short of a time as he realized that he was down to the last letter and it was the one he'd been dreading most of all: Jongwoo's.
When he unfolded the page he expected it to be short and organized, like every other instance he'd seen of Jongwoo's writing. But to his surprise, it was the exact opposite. The margins had marks scattered in them, like the older had absently scratched his pen there as he'd been thinking. There were portions that had been haphazardly crossed out as though Jongwoo had been unsure if he truly wanted to erase the words or not.
Jay did his best to steel his nerves but it didn't stop his hands from shaking, heart pounding as he began to read.
Jay
I really hope this isn't the first one of these you read. This whole letter thing was my idea but now that I'm sitting here writing my own, I don't even know where to start or what to say…
If I'm being honest, I just don't want to lose you.
And that's so fucking selfish of me, I know. You're trying to make this huge decision and I know that me doing this will only make it harder on you yet there's still a part of me that wants to take that contract, rip it to shreds and pretend like it never existed. But I know how hard you've worked and the strength that you have. I got to see it firsthand when we ended up on a team together for the first time, how willing you were to try even when you weren't at your best and how eager you were to do well not just for yourself but for everyone around you too. And I know how difficult it was for you to pick yourself back up after everything that happened during Boys Planet. But you always did your best and it made me so proud of you! Honestly, I wonder if that's when it all started…
All that time we spent together after the show ended, doing fanmeetings and posting videos, it made me realize that I want to keep doing that stuff with you. I want to make more happy memories together. And when I got word that I could pick the members myself for the group, it was so easy when I thought about who I'd want to go on this journey with. I wanted people that I knew I could trust as we walked this path and I trust you all wholeheartedly. I know the others feel that way too, even though we've only been together for such a short time. I hope you feel the same.
You're actually asleep on my couch as I'm writing this. I'm glad; I know you've been having trouble sleeping lately. You look so cute right now. You haven't been smiling as much either and I feel bad about that because I know I'm part of the reason why you've been so stressed. I just… I love your smile, your laugh, your passion… I…
You know what? Fuck it.
I know that even if you choose that other company it won't be goodbye forever but I want to say this, in case I don't ever have the courage to again.
Jay, I love you.
If I could have you by my side, I'd be okay no matter what. Even if I died tomorrow, it would be all good as long as I got to be with you.
I don't want to be someone who takes away your happiness; I want to be the one to give it to you! I want to be your comfort, your safety… I want to be your home. Because you're mine. You've been mine for a while now. And I'm terrible for saying all of this to you only when time's about to run out but I can't let you go without telling you the truth. I don't want you to stand against the world and feel like you're all alone. Yedam and Taegyun and Seongmin…Kamden and Keita… You have so many people who love you Jay and we'll all always cheer you on, whether we're together or apart.
No matter what I want or how badly I want it, I could never take away your dream. You would never do that to me or anyone else so I can't do it to you. Whatever road will take you to happiness, I want you to follow it with your whole heart and never look back.
More than anything I want you to know that no matter where you go, you'll always have me. I promise you won't be alone.
Jongwoo
The words blurred before Jay's eyes. Tears streamed down his cheeks like rivers, unstoppable and strong. Jongwoo, he… No, no there was no way! He couldn't possibly mean it like tha-
'Naneun ireoghe noerul bonaego sipji anha~ Mami buseojin chaero maeil museobgo sipji anha~'
Startled by his ringtone, Jay nearly dropped the papers over the railing. He clutched them close to his chest protectively, his heart thundering in fear at even the thought of losing those precious letters. He stared down at them and thought of everything they represented: hopes, dreams, friendships, heartaches… love. The lyrics echoed in his head.
'I don't want to let you go like this… I don't want to be scared every day with a broken heart…'
Jay scrambled to pull his phone out of his pocket and his heart pounded in his ears as he found himself staring at a familiar contact ID: Jongwoo was calling him. The faces on his lockscreen stared back at him, warming his heart and breaking it all at once.
He thought about everything he'd been worrying about for weeks, the stress and agony this whole thing had put him under, the pain and confusion he had caused the people he cared about. It didn't matter how many hours were officially left, he knew that time had already run out.
He had made his choice.
His heart in his throat, he swiped his thumb over the answer icon and held the phone up to his ear.
"Jongwoo-hyung…"