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Jongwoo could count on one hand how many times he'd felt fear in his life.
And he wasn't talking about the regular kind of everyday fear that everyone experienced like getting jumpscared while watching a movie or that drop in your stomach when you looked out over a steep ledge. No, he was talking about real, genuine fear. The kind that caught your heart in a relentless grip and you remembered until the end of your days.
The first had been when he'd been a kid and he'd gotten separated from his family while they'd been on vacation. To this day, his sister still liked to tease him about how pitiful he'd looked when their mom had come back with him in her arms bawling his eyes out but all he could remember of the experience was the sheer panic and fear he'd felt at the thought that his family was just gone and he'd never see them again. The most recent before today was the heart-wrenching agony of Boys Planet, the sickening mixture of hope and despair as he'd waited to hear those final results surrounded by 17 other boys who'd been just as desperate as he was. Jongwoo could clearly recall the cold terror that had washed through him when he'd realized that he hadn't made it and had absolutely no idea of what his future looked like anymore.
Those moments felt like nothing in comparison to the fear he felt now.
He couldn't find Jay.
Jay who had stuck with him after Boys Planet had ended, who had placed so much trust in Jongwoo without a second thought. Jay who offered everything of himself to the world and asked so little of it in return. Kind, gentle, strong, beautiful Jay. …Jay, who had now had a horrible choice dropped at his feet and Jongwoo was powerless to make it any easier for him. In fact, he may have only made it harder.
The letters had been a haphazard idea that he'd come up with late one night after having spent days watching as Jay's smile continued to dim and the need to do something- anything- to try and make it better had finally overwhelmed him. He'd gathered the rest of the guys the next day and had told them his plan. It had taken a few days until they'd all finished their letters- Jongwoo having ended up being the last one- but after everything was said and done Jongwoo hadn't been brave enough to drop off the envelope himself; he'd left the task to Seongmin instead to deliver that morning. He'd feared that if by some chance he ran into Jay before the younger could open it, he'd be unable to help himself from blurting out everything that he wanted to say and end up ruining his carefully crafted plan.
But then he'd tried texting Jay earlier in the afternoon and received no answer. He'd sent another and still got nothing in return. He'd asked the others to do so as well only for them to be met with the same results and his heart had hit the floor. He'd jumped in his car after sending a message to the others to keep trying Jay and to let him know if any of them heard from him. He'd driven to Jay's temporary apartment that his company had rented him and used the spare key the younger had given him, only to find it empty of who he was looking for. His mailbox was wide open and Jongwoo's heart leapt into his throat as he thought about what it could mean. He'd fired off another text to the younger and locked up the apartment again before rushing back to his car.
The sun had been high in the sky when he'd started looking for Jay and now as it began to descend, he had nothing to show for it.
He'd driven around to all of the places he could think that Jay would go to with no success. He ended up parking in an empty lot near an overpass and paced agitatedly across the pavement as he waited to hear his phone buzz with a new notification that never came. If he hadn't been worried before, he most assuredly would have been by now. Jay never ignored his messages. Even if he was busy he would still take the time to type out a short response or tell him that he'd call him back once he was free so what could possibly-
It felt like a chunk of ice settled in his stomach as a thought suddenly occurred to him: in his letter, he'd told Jay that he was in love with him.
In his panic of trying to find Jay, Jongwoo had completely forgotten how terribly honest he'd been in the letter to the singer. He'd poured every chaotic thought he'd had swirling around his head for days, ever since Jay had confessed to him in the dead silence of his own living room that he had to choose between taking a solo contract or joining the group. His heart and soul had been laid bare on a flimsy piece of paper, all for the eyes of the person Jongwoo had fallen head over heels in love with. He just wanted to see Jay, to hold him, comfort him, to do whatever he would be allowed now that the younger knew his deepest, most precious secret…
But the sun had set, he still had no idea where Jay was or if the younger had made his decision on whether he would stay or go. He fumbled in his pocket to pull out his phone and dialled Jay's number from memory. He raised a trembling hand to the back of his head and bit his lower lip anxiously.
'Please… Even if it's only for a second, I want to hear his voice. I want to hear him say my name, even if it ends up being for the last time.'
The phone rang… and rang… and rang…
After the fourth ring, Jongwoo nearly gave hope entirely. He sighed heavily and was about to end the call when suddenly there was the nearly inaudible click of it being picked up and a familiar, honey-sweet voice filled his ears.
"Jongwoo-hyung…"
Jongwoo's breath caught in a mixture of a gasp and a sigh, concern and relief warring in his heart at the sound of Jay's trembling voice. Since they'd met, Jongwoo had come to know that Jay was the type of person that felt he like was a burden to others if he needed help and did everything in his power to not hold back the people he cared about. Jongwoo had always thought that was so backwards because how could someone like Jay ever hold anyone back? But still…
How hard must it have been for him, reading those letters? His voice was so sad. Had they only made it worse? That hadn't been his intention at all. Would they lose Jay now because Jongwoo had tried too hard to hold on to him?
He stumbled over his words, desperate and stupid in the need to say anything to Jay while he still had him, "Jay, I-! Are you okay? I've been trying to find you all afternoon! You weren't answering any of our texts and I was so w-"
"Did you mean it?"
The words sounded so fragile and small that it floored Jongwoo. He'd only ever heard that tone in Jay's voice once before. It had been on the night of the Artist Battle when Jay had come dead last on his team in spite of his jaw-dropping performance. He could remember it so clearly: Jay standing in front of him, still in his stage outfit, cheeks wet with tears and heartbreak written all over his face. The awful look of resignation in his pretty eyes as he'd asked, "What did I do wrong, hyung?"
It had been the first time in Jongwoo's life that he'd felt truly helpless.
No matter how much he'd comforted the younger, reassured him of how amazing he'd been, the damage had been done and it had shaken Jay's confidence to the core. It had taken days for Jay's smile to become genuine again and the shadow in his eyes never truly faded until the show had finally come to an end. He regretted that he hadn't been able to do more for Jay at the time than offer words of comfort but there was something he could do for Jay now.
"Jay I-"
Jay cut him off before he could get any further, voice uneven and shaking, "If you didn't mean it, just- Please hyung, just tell me the truth! I don't think I can handle it if you lied to me, not- not about this..."
Jongwoo inhaled deeply and clenched his eyes shut as he gathered his resolve. He'd survived losing his first group, he'd survived Boys Planet, he'd survived those dreadful days after that had been full of rampant insecurity but he didn't think he'd be able to survive letting Jay go without telling him the truth. More than anything he wanted Jay to know how much he meant to him. He opened his eyes and gazed up at the stars, suddenly comforted by the thought that no matter what happened he'd always be under the same sky as his most precious person. He would be okay with that, so long as Jay was happy.
If this was going to be the end then it was all or nothing.
He smiled up at the sky, "Jay Chang… More than music, more than dance… more than any dream I've ever had in my life: I love you. I could never lie to you Jay, least of all about that."
Jay's breath hitched and a sob echoed over the call for a second before the line went dead in Jongwoo's ear. He exhaled roughly and bit back a sob of his own, a lone tear slipped down his cheek as he let the hand holding his phone drop listlessly to his side. He'd done all that he could; it was up to Jay now.
Jongwoo stayed staring up at the stars. He couldn't help but wonder if Jay was looking at them too wherever he was and if the younger was thinking of him.
A few minutes later a faint buzzing in his hand drew his attention and he pulled his phone back up to look at the screen, his eyes widened as hope filled his chest and a bright smile crossed his face.
It was a message from Jay. There were no words, just an image of a place that he was all-too familiar with but hadn't even thought to check in all his frantic searching: the park just a few blocks away from his own apartment.
Jay had loved that park since the first time he'd come over to Jongwoo's place late one night only a few days after Boys Planet had ended and Jongwoo had taken him on a walk around the neighborhood. Jongwoo felt stupid for not thinking of it sooner as he recalled the bright happiness in Jay's eyes as they'd wandered those empty paths together in the dead of night. He rushed back to his car and sent off a mass text to the others with the location and instructions to meet him there as soon as possible.
Suddenly it didn't feel like an ending anymore, it felt like it was just the start of something incredible. He just had to get to Jay and make him see that too.
'I won't let you go without a fight; you're too precious for that.'
He sent off one last text before he sped off towards his destination, this one just to one person in specific.
Jay-ah, you read the letter right? I told you I won't ever let you be alone. So wait for me, okay? I'll be there soon.