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Jay couldn't stop staring at the last text from Jongwoo. He read them over and over until it felt like the words had been burnt into his eyes:
I told you I won't ever let you be alone. So wait for me, okay?
The message on the small screen made his heart flutter but it was the echo of Jongwoo's voice in his head that had it thundering in his chest. He could still recall the exact tone and pitch- so mesmerized as he was by everything that was Yoon Jongwoo- the low, rich timbre of the voice that belonged to the man who always made him feel safe and cared for.
"More than music, more than dance… more than any dream I've ever had in my life: I love you."
Hanging up had been an entire accident that had been caused by how badly his hands had started shaking at Jongwoo's declaration and the tears that had blurred his vision. He'd managed to collect himself as fast as he could, terrified by the thought that Jongwoo would think his feelings had been rejected. Jongwoo had bared his heart in the letter, had reiterated it over the phone but Jay wanted to see his face when he said the words before he truly let himself believe that it was real.
So instead he'd sent a picture of the desolate street to Jongwoo, only realizing after looking around just where he was. He couldn't say he was particularly surprised that he'd ended up at the park near Jongwoo's building.
The first time he'd visited it had been the night he'd realized just how far he'd fallen for Jongwoo…
It had been just a few days after Boys Planet had ended when he'd been a twisted mass of anxiety and relief: relief because it was over and anxiety because he didn't know what came next. After everything on Boys Planet- the highs and the lows- he'd had no idea what he wanted to do anymore. He'd done his best and in the end, his efforts hadn't been enough. He hadn't been enough. Or at least, that's how it felt…
Why hadn't he been enough?
Was there something he could've done to change it?
What did his future look like now?
Would his dream stay just a dream, never to be fully realized?
His thoughts swirled round and round to the point that he felt sick and he just wanted it to stop. He left his apartment, figuring the fresh air would do him some good but somehow the vastness of the world at night- the endless glittering stars and the gentle, cold moon that shone alongside them- seemed to only make it worse. And the only thing he'd been able to think of was the one person he'd come to rely on when he felt insecure or unsure: Jongwoo.
Before Jay knew what he was doing, he'd already opened Jongwoo's contact and hit 'call'. He knew it was late but he hoped beyond hope that the older would pick up, even if was to just tell him to call back in the morning. He wanted to hear Jongwoo's deep, gentle voice again; it felt like it was the only thing that would keep him sane.
So preoccupied by his own thoughts he wasn't even aware that the call had connected until he heard the voice he'd been longing to hear for days, "Jay?"
Suddenly, it felt like too much.
It all came crashing down and in an instant Jay was sobbing- even harder than he had at the finale, when he'd last seen Jongwoo. He tried to muffle the noises with his hand but evidently hadn't done a good enough job at hiding them as Jongwoo's voice ticked up higher in concern, "Jay, what's wrong? Are you hurt?! Where are you?"
Why was he bothering Jongwoo like this? His hyung had his own sorrows to tend to and they were undoubtedly worse than his. Jongwoo had worked so hard to claw his way up the rankings! He'd done so unimaginably well only for his hopes to be dashed in the end and now here he was only making it worse by worrying the older because he couldn't get a handle on himself!
"I- hyung! I- I'm sorry… I sh-shouldn't have called. I- ah shit…"
Jay trailed off and curled into himself as he cried into the arm of his hoodie. Why? Why couldn't he just do anything right? Why was his life just a constant mass of fuckups lately? Why-
A gentle murmur cut through his panic, "Hey… Jay, listen to my voice okay? It's alright, I'm not upset that you called. I'd just really like it if you could calm down for me though. You can do that, right? You've always listened to me so well before."'
He- ah... Jongwoo's voice was so tender and kind, just as it had always been. Jay had found comfort in it countless times before, had even learned dance moves while being instructed in that same warm tone. Despite himself, he felt the panic slowly recede as he let it wash over him once again.
"That's it, just breathe. You're okay, Jay. I promise, you're okay. Hyung's here, you know I won't let anything happen to you."
Jay let out a wet, trembling exhale as the last of the panic attack faded away. He sniffled and wiped at his face with the sleeve of his hoodie, "Th-thanks, hyung…"
Over the line Jongwoo breathed out a shaky sigh of his own and Jay heard a faint rustling that he assumed was the older running his free hand through his hair, a familiar gesture that Jay had seen him do a hundred times when he was thinking about something.
"Jay, seriously what's wrong?"
"I…"
I want to see you.
I want the world to make sense.
I want to feel your arms around me.
I want to laugh and play around and feel safe by your side again.
I…
"I miss you."
There was a long pause and Jay began to fear that Jongwoo had hung up before the dancer replied, "I miss you too Jay-ah but you and I both know that that's not all. You wouldn't be in tears like this just from missing me so tell me what's wrong."
Jay sighed, not surprised that Jongwoo had seen through his paper-thin ruse, "I… It's just too much, hyung. I don't know what to do or what's going to happen next now that the show's over and I guess it just got to me. I started getting too in my own head and I freaked out. You were the only person I could think of that would make it better."
"Are you at home right now?"
He winced guiltily, even though he knew Jongwoo couldn't see him, "Actually… I went for a walk and…"
Jongwoo let out a laugh then, "Jay, are you outside my apartment?"
He blushed in embarrassment and whined a little at Jongwoo's amused tone, "I didn't mean to end up here! I was thinking of you and I guess my feet just went this way! I didn't even realize where I was until just now. And if you think about it hyung, it's really your fault because you told me where you live and it happens to be close to my place and-"
"I'll be right out."
And so Jongwoo hung up and Jay was helpless but to sit on the cold pavement, staring down at his phone blankly, until a familiar pair of sneakers entered the edge of his vision. He raised his head slowly, suddenly for some reason shy about looking at the person he'd wanted to see so badly only moments ago. When his gaze met Jongwoo's it felt like his heart froze in his chest for a second before it began pounding like crazy.
Well shit.
It had only been a few days but somehow in that time Jongwoo had become even more handsome than Jay remembered. His sharp features were accentuated by the light of the moon and the nearby streetlamps, lips tilted up in a gentle smile and his wolf-like eyes soft and fond. Out from under the stage lights, no cameras in sight, without makeup and hair messy, dressed in an oversized zip-up hoodie over a skin-tight black tank and baggy sweatpants Jongwoo looked like a walking dream.
The dancer crouched in front of him and Jay couldn't help the almost-gasp that escaped him when long fingers brushed against his cheek in a feather light caress. Jongwoo's face clouded over slightly when he felt the chill lingering on Jay's skin, "How long have you been out here?"
He couldn't help but lean into the warm hand as he shrugged, "Dunno. Like I said, I don't even really remember walking here."
Jongwoo sighed and stood up suddenly, taking the warmth with him. Jay whined plaintively which earned him a snicker from the older, who then held that same hand out towards him, "C'mon, let's go for a walk. There's a park only a block from here."
Jay took the offered hand and silently marvelled at Jongwoo's strength as he was pulled to his feet with very little effort by the older. He smiled as Jongwoo helped brush the dirt off of his back, "Is it the same one you told me about?"
"The one and only." Jongwoo's eyebrows furrowed as he looked him over carefully, "Are you still cold? Aish, I should've brought a jacket out for you but oh well. Come here."
Before Jay was aware of what was happening Jongwoo's muscular arm was already wrapped around his shoulders and he was pressed up tightly against the dancer's strong, lean frame. His heart pounded raucously in his chest as he caught a faint whiff of the older's cologne- the scent woodsy and cold and all too familiar after all the time they'd spent together.
Suddenly it felt like too much again but in a different, unexpectedly good way.
Had Jongwoo's touch always sent shivers down his spine like this?
Had his body always been this warm?
Had those dark eyes always looked at him like that; like he was something precious to behold?
Had his heart always felt like it was going to beat out of his chest just being so close to Jongwoo?
This wonderful feeling of safety, of finding the feeling of home with a person- not a place- and the knowledge that he was treasured by someone he thought the world of. It was as terrifying as it was elating.
Jay didn't know what it felt like to fall in love but in that moment he could imagine it felt a lot like this.
They'd ended up walking around that park for hours afterwards and it had turned out that Jay had fallen in love twice that night: once with a man and the other, with a place that that man loved.
He'd been screwed ever since.
Touring and doing fanmeetings with Jongwoo- all of the travelling and fun things they'd gotten to do together along the way- had only served to deepen those feelings that Jay eventually acknowledged had been stirring since he'd first gotten a proper chance to get to know Jongwoo after they'd ended up on a team together. He'd done everything in his power to keep those feelings under wrap, terrified at the prospect of losing Jongwoo altogether if the older found out. The thought that those feelings would be returned had not once crossed his mind.
And yet here Jay was: waiting on Jongwoo who had confessed that he was in love with him too. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought he was trapped in a dream. Another chilly breeze blew through the park and he was reminded that he was very much awake as he pulled his jacket tighter around himself.
It didn't matter how cold it got: Jongwoo had told him to wait for him and he would do anything for Jongwoo.
He had just started to walk around to warm himself up a bit when suddenly there were bodies crashing into him from behind and his heart swelled as the voices of Yedam, Taegyun and Seongmin filled his ears. The first genuine laugh he'd let out in what felt like an eternity escaped him as he revelled in their collective warmth surrounding him and returned their hugs as best he could.
Before Jay could say anything or even fully turn around to face them Taegyun caught him in a loose headlock, "Dumbass! Ignoring our texts like that all day, what the hell's wrong with you?!"
Taegyun's words were an odd mixture of angry and playful but when he released Jay, he could see how concerned the younger obviously was. He could see that same worry reflected in Yedam and Seongmin's faces when he looked over at them too and it made him flinch guiltily, " I just…"
Seongmin gave him an understanding half-smile as he squeezed his shoulder gently, "Needed time to figure things out?"
Jay was always so grateful of how well Seongmin could read him, "Yeah."
A body crashed into him again but Jay couldn't help the smile that broke out as Yedam clung onto him tightly, the maknae full of his usual bright-eyed enthusiasm and unrestrained energy. He chuckled when Yedam shook him a bit and let out a playful whine, "Hyuuuunnngg~ Why did you ignore me all day? I was worried about you!"
"I'm sorry, Yedamie… I'm sorry to all of you. I've been putting you guys through so much over the last couple weeks because I wasn't been able to make a decision and I- wait a second. How did you guys even know where to find me?"
Yedam let him go and bounced over to Seongmin's side with a mischievous smile, not dissimilar to the one Taegyun was sporting at the same time. Jay tilted his head curiously, wondering what the weird behaviour was about when…
"Jay."
Jay whipped around so fast that the world spun in a blur around him.
It was Jongwoo but it wasn't the usual Jongwoo who always looked so cool and effortlessly put together. Nor was it the Jongwoo that Jay had come to know out of the spotlight, the one who was soft and kind and took any opportunity he could to show off the most recent pictures of Sarang that his sister had sent him with a big, sweet smile. No, this was an entirely different version of Jongwoo…
The dancer stood only a few feet away- just under the streetlamp that Jay himself had spent the better part of the night under- and he looked more a mess than Jay had ever seen him, even after seemingly endless hours of dance practice or those long, tiresome filming days. His clothes were disheveled, his cheeks were flushed and he was panting heavily as though he'd been running but his gaze was sharp and clear as it met Jay's own.
"Jongwoo-hyu- mph!"
Strong arms crushed Jay against Jongwoo's broad chest and he didn't pause to try and fight the embrace, he just let himself get swept up in Jongwoo's arms and buried his face in the older's chest so that he could breathe in the cool, crisp scent of home. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Jongwoo pulled back and reached up to cradle Jay's face in his hands, worry colouring his expression.
"I was so worried about you! Have you been here all day? Have you even eaten anything at all?"
The rapid-fire questions didn't give Jay much of a chance to answer but he would've been stunned into silence regardless by what Jongwoo did next. The older tenderly brushed his thumbs over the dark circles under Jay's eyes- had he mentioned that he hadn't slept well in about two weeks now?- and his voice was so soft and concerned when he mumbled, "Oh baby, you look so pale…"
Jay had no idea if Jongwoo knew that he'd said the words aloud but they sent his heart racing once again as blood rushed to his cheeks. Seeing the older man like this made him feel so many things all at once that it was dizzying and in that moment Jay wanted to kiss him so badly that it was almost a physical ache.
"Jongwoo…"
The sound of shuffling from behind them reminded Jay that the others were only a few feet away and while he knew that none of their friends would judge them for their feelings- playfully teasing them about it was another story entirely- he would very much like to continue this without an audience. Jongwoo seemed to have the same thoughts as he pulled away but kept his heated gaze firmly on Jay.
Jay smiled softly at Jongwoo before he turned a bit so that he could face all four of them. A small thrill of anxiety shot through him but he forced it down as he gazed at each one of them and something in him finally settled into place as he looked at them. Suddenly those weeks of inner turmoil seemed silly because the only real choice was staring him right in the face, smiling back at him in the dead of night in the middle of an empty park after they'd spent so much time looking for him because of how much they cared.
There'd never been any other choice but them.
"I'm not taking the contract."
There was a moment of deafening silence before a flurry of excited shouts filled the air and Jay was once again nearly bowled over by a mass of arms scrambling to wrap around him. He laughed and clung to them just as tightly, his heart overflowing with affection for the people he'd chosen- who'd chosen him.
In the midst of the wonderful chaos, he caught Jongwoo's eyes and fell in love all over again. Those dark eyes glittered as though they were filled with stars and his trademark roguish grin adorned his handsome face as he gazed back at Jay with so much love in his eyes.
I love you too. More than music, more than my dream, more than anything: I love you.
Jay watched as Jongwoo's smile softened and stretched impossibly wider and realized that he must've said the words out loud but he couldn't even bring himself to be embarrassed about the slipup. Not when he could see his own unbridled happiness reflected back at him in Jongwoo's face. Surrounded by the people he'd come to love and who loved him in return, it was the happiest Jay had felt in a long, long time.
He was home.