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“Are you sure about this?”
Ezra winced. He really wished Kanan would stop asking him that. He understood why, but each time shook his confidence even more. The idea of going back to school, of spending an entire day surrounded by ordinary people, was already terrifying enough.
“You’re the one who said I’m ready to be around humans again,” Ezra reminded him.
Even though he could feel Kanan’s nervousness, the man still maintained his outward façade of unnerving calm.
“You’re right.” He sighed heavily. “And you are ready. I just…”
“You worry,” Ezra finished for him. All of his irritation evaporated in an instant as he looked up at his foster father. Or father, technically, he guessed. The adoption had been finalized just days ago. With his parents long since declared dead, there were few obstacles and the process had gone quickly.
Ezra still wasn’t sure exactly how he felt about it. He’d agreed to the adoption, and now that he was a vampire, it just made sense for them to take this step. Now that Kanan and Hera were legally his parents, there was an extra hurdle to clear before anyone could pull him out of the house and ship him off to another foster home.
But seeing that last bit of paperwork, signed by the judge, making everything official, had felt like a wound being ripped open. He’d long since given up hope of ever seeing his parents again, but it was one thing to tell himself they were dead, and another to hold a piece of paper in his hand saying that he was part of another family now. That his parents had been replaced. Even keeping his last name did nothing to soften the blow.
“Yeah,” Kanan said. “I do.”
It was an understatement. Ezra knew now that he was the first person Kanan ever turned. This was completely uncharted territory for them both. Kanan was more than worried. He was terrified of doing as much damage to Ezra as his own sire had done to him. Terrified of Ezra being hurt, or hurting someone else.
“I have to go back sooner or later,” Ezra said, shrugging his backpack onto his shoulders. The weight of it settling made him tense up for a moment as he remembered the sound of it dropping to the floor just moments before Kanan had bitten him. His fingers tightened around the straps for a split second before he forced them to relax. But it was too late. Kanan had already sensed the flash of panic that had overtaken him.
“I’ll be okay,” Ezra said weakly, hoping that Kanan would get the message that he didn’t want to talk about it.
“You have your blood?” Kanan asked after a moment of painful silence.
Ezra nodded. A thermos full of the stuff was hidden in his backpack in case he got the urge to feed while he was at school.
“And if you see –”
“Call you,” Ezra said. “I know.”
That was what Kanan’s anxiety was really about. He’d described to Ezra what his own sire looked like, and had made Ezra repeat the description back to him until he was satisfied that the boy would remember it. He wanted to give Ezra this semblance of normalcy, but he was terrified that something would happen to him the moment they were separated.
“You hide and you call me,” Kanan corrected him. “Don’t talk to him. Don’t engage with him at all.”
“I won’t,” Ezra promised for what felt like the hundredth time.
“Alright.” As Kanan placed a hand on his shoulder, Ezra got the sense that his sire was trying to comfort himself more than him. “Let’s go.”
“I don’t need you to go with me,” Ezra protested.
“It’s not up for debate,” Kanan said sternly. “The most dangerous person I’ve ever known tried to kill you. If you’re going to school, I’m taking you there, and picking you up.”
Ezra’s next argument died in his throat, fear overwhelming his pride. It was still so surreal to think that anyone would want to kill him. But the threat was still very real. Kanan had made sure he knew that.
“Okay,” Ezra said, lowering his gaze to the floor. “Let’s go.”
It didn’t take long for Ezra to start wondering if this was a mistake. School had always been too loud, too crowded, too much, but now it was worse. It wasn’t just the voices and blaring bells and slamming lockers. Now he could hear people’s heartbeats, the rush of blood in their veins, the creaking of their joints. Every miniscule sound and smell that he hadn’t even noticed before was amplified.
By the time he hit third period, he was wishing he’d never left the house. Maybe Hera’s suggestion of homeschooling wasn’t so bad after all.
He walked into the classroom late. He’d spent most of the five minutes they got between classes hiding in the bathroom. Mumbling a hurried apology to the teacher and ducking his head to avoid the gazes of his classmates, he slid into his seat beside Sabine.
“You okay?” Sabine whispered, gently poking him in the arm with one of the many pens she used to color code her notes and draw in the margins.
“I’m fine,” Ezra whispered back. “Overstimulated.”
It wasn’t technically a lie, but Ezra still felt guilty saying it. Hiding the truth from Sabine was the part of this he hated the most. A junior to Ezra’s sophomore, she’d taken Ezra under her wing as a lab partner when he transferred in partway through the year despite their teacher’s “polite” warnings that he was “so far behind.” She did everything she could to help Ezra catch up and help him feel at home here.
She was his best friend. His only friend, really, and one day she would grow old and die while he never aged and he had to drink human blood so he wouldn’t rip her throat out and he was lying to her about it.
Ezra’s fingers curled around the edge of his desk, his breath catching in his throat. If his heart could still beat, he would bet it would be pounding right now.
“You sure?” Sabine asked, keeping her voice low.
“Yeah,” Ezra muttered. “I’m fine.”
“Ezra,” the teacher barked. “Sabine. Maybe spend less time chatting and more time learning.”
“Sorry,” Sabine said as Ezra flinched.
At least after that, she stopped digging. Ezra barely paid attention through the rest of class, putting all his energy into keeping himself from falling apart. He could hear every scratch of pens and pencils against notebook pages. The miniscule squeak of marker against whiteboard as the teacher illustrated something about mitosis. The faintest rattle of a barely-loose screw in a chair as another kid bounced their leg on the other side of the room. It all crowded into his head, squeezing him out of himself until he thought he might throw up. Could he even throw up anymore? Kanan had said he couldn’t get sick, but maybe this was different. What if –
The harsh shriek of the bell shattered Ezra’s spiral of panic. He yelped and flinched, his hands flying over his ears. Even with them covered, he could hear the barely concealed snickering of some of the other kids. That word that had been following him for years whispered mockingly under their breath.
He lurched to his feet and bolted for the door.
Ezra kept his head down, weaving between other kids as he raced down the hall. Veering left, he dashed into the bathroom, flinching again as the door slammed against the wall. As he locked himself in a stall, he fumbled in his pocket for his phone, only one thought in his head.
I can’t be here.
He huddled against the wall as he waited for Kanan to pick up, squeezing his eyes shut, silently willing the man to answer quickly. Maybe with that fucking bond broadcasting his thoughts and feelings to his sire, Kanan would know something was wrong.
“Ezra?”
A wave of relief washed over him as he heard Kanan’s voice.
“I – I’m not ready.” Ezra’s voice shook as he fought to stay calm. To keep himself from breaking down and begging Kanan for help. “You were right. I need to come home.”
“Where are you?” Kanan asked.
“I’m still at school,” Ezra assured him.
“Alright,” Kanan said. “I’ll come get you. Just stay put.”
“Okay.”
“Just hold on,” Kanan told him. “I’m on my way.”
After he hung up, Ezra stayed where he was for a long moment, fighting to stop his hands from shaking. Accepting that it would be a losing battle, he slipped out of the stall and walked straight into Sabine.
“You left this,” she said, holding out his bio textbook.
“Thanks,” Ezra muttered.
“What’s wrong?” Sabine asked. “I’ve never seen you like this before.”
“I have to go home.” Ezra’s voice was a dull, lifeless monotone as he stared at the floor, avoiding his friend’s gaze. “Kanan’s coming to pick me up.”
“Want me to wait with you?”
Ezra hesitated, then nodded. She followed him as he made his way to a side door that no one was watching and slipped outside. As soon as he stepped into the open air, it was a little easier. The sound of heartbeats and the smell of blood were tempered by the sounds and smells of cars and trees and small animals and moving air. But it did little to ease the unsettled, antsy feeling that crawled under his skin.
“Ezra –”
“I can’t talk about it,” he blurted out before he’d really thought the words through. He wanted to tell her what was really happening, but she’d never believe him.
“You didn’t really have mono, did you?” she asked.
Ezra’s shoulders stiffened.
“No,” he said, forcing the word out through gritted teeth. He was afraid that if he said anything more, he would end up telling her everything. She’d think he was out of his mind and he might find himself in trouble with Kanan, and he didn’t know which was worse.
She slid an arm around his shoulders and held on tight. Ezra leaned into the touch, letting it ground him and draw him halfway out of his panicked spiral. He wanted to tell her the truth so badly. But he was afraid. Not just of what she would think, but of getting into trouble. Even if he knew, technically, that Kanan wouldn’t hurt him, there was still a part of him—maybe always would be a part of him—that feared it would happen. One day. Once he crossed one line too many.
They sat together in what would have been silence once. But now Ezra could hear her heartbeat. Her pulse thudding so close to his ear as he rested his head on her shoulder.
It wasn’t long before Kanan arrived. Ezra almost felt like he sensed his presence before actually seeing him. Shame swelled up within him and he shrank closer to Sabine, unable to look at Kanan. He’d been so sure he was ready, and it had only taken a few hours for him to fail.
“Ezra,” Kanan told him gently. “It’s okay.”
Ezra gritted his teeth in bitter frustration at the fact that his most furious, self-loathing thoughts just… weren’t private anymore.
“Come on,” Kanan said. “Let’s get you home.”
Ezra nodded and stood without a word. He barely felt it as Kanan’s arm settled around his shoulders, an imitation of a protective shield surrounding him.
“Thanks for looking after him,” Kanan said to Sabine. “I’ll take it from here.”
“Will he be okay?” she asked.
“He will.”
Ezra’s shoulders slumped, his gaze trained on the ground as Kanan began to lead him away.
“Ezra.”
He and Kanan both stopped as Sabine called out to him. When he looked back, he could see just how worried she was. It wasn’t just concern on her face, but fear.
“Text me later?”
Ezra nodded, unable to make himself say anything out loud. Then he turned away again, trudging along beside Kanan.
“It’s okay,” Kanan murmured quietly as he guided Ezra down the street. “Everything’s going to be fine.”
Still Ezra remained silent. He barely paid attention to where they were going, trusting Kanan to take the lead. Shame and anger and fear crowded his mind, taking up all of his focus. He’d thought he was ready. He’d needed to be ready, to get back to some semblance of normalcy. And he’d barely lasted a few hours.
He’d been so stupid. He hadn’t been near that many humans since being bitten. If he’d lost control, let the intrusive thoughts take over, he could have hurt someone. Killed someone. All because he’d jumped the gun and gone back before he was ready.
When they finally reached the house, Ezra felt relief wash over him as the door closed, putting a solid barrier between himself and the outside world. He stayed where he was, staring down at the floor, bracing himself as he waited for a lecture or a reprimand or something.
“We can try again another day,” Kanan said.
The gentleness in his voice only made Ezra feel worse. Like Kanan was going easy on him.
“Kid,” Kanan said. His hand rested on Ezra’s shoulder, gripping it tightly. “I’m not mad at you, and I’m not going to hurt you. Even if I was angry, this was more my mistake than yours. I know what you’re going through, and I should have realized you weren’t ready.”
“What if I never am?” Ezra asked. The thought hadn’t stopped plaguing him since the day Kanan had first brought up the idea that he would have to go back to school at some point. What if he did everything right and still couldn’t manage it?
“Then we’ll manage,” Kanan said. “You’re ours now, Ezra. We can pull you out of school, or find some other way. But we will figure this out, together, and no matter what happens, Hera and I aren’t going anywhere.”
Kanan pulled him into a hug and in spite of his fear and shame, Ezra felt himself melting into it, resting his head against Kanan’s shoulder.
“This gets easier.” Ezra could feel Kanan’s voice rumbling softly in his chest. “I know it doesn’t feel like it will, but it does.”
It gets easier with time. Those words had become like an incantation they both repeated almost every day, as if saying it would make it so.
And for a few seconds, held close against Kanan’s chest, Ezra was able to believe it would.