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Intak is confused.
It’s not a foreign emotion by any scale—getting to experience new things as often as he does means he’s grown accustomed to not always understanding how things work. He’s used to it.
But this . It’s like having his body slowly destroyed from the inside out by his stomach acid. Unwavering and excruciatingly painful. He can’t do anything to stop it from continuing.
He leans back against the wall, a loud sigh filling the room. After he’d realized there was no way he was going to fall asleep, Intak had wandered back to the FNC building to hide in one of the many private practice rooms. It was 1 AM when he arrived, and a quick glance at his phone tells him that it’s been roughly an hour and a half. He should really get back to the dorms.
Intak stands, albeit slowly, and shoves his phone in the pocket of his sweatpants. A bead of sweat drips down his back and makes him grimace. He should shower again.
He grabs his jacket off the floor—he’d taken it off rather swiftly so he didn’t overheat. And then he just…stands there.
Rain pummels against the side of the building. The practice rooms are soundproof, but Intak can easily trick himself into hearing it. He knows it’s there, so it’s impossible to ignore it. When he had gotten here, the rain was a mere drizzle.
Someone knocks on the door.
It’s not unusual—most of the people around him have terrible sleep schedules. They fall asleep late and wake up early.
“Yeah, come in,” Intak calls out, slipping on his jacket.
He doesn’t expect to see Taeyang’s face when the door opens.
Taeyang was the reason he couldn’t fall asleep in the first place—the reason that he’s so goddamn confused . No one in the world has shaken him the way that Choi Taeyang has.
The pit in Intak’s stomach opens so wide he’s terrified he’ll split apart. He must look like an idiot, eyes bulging out of his head and heat flushed skin suddenly paling.
Intak hides his hands in his jacket pockets so that his shaking fingers are away from view. He feels like a child with a crush. He kind of is.
The first time Intak realized that his feelings for Taeyang were not-so-platonic was during their first group trip to America. He still isn’t sure what exactly made the thought slip into his mind, but he had woken up completely incapable of ignoring how fast his heart would beat when Taeyang was affectionate with him versus any other member. He certainly didn’t feel like a shy schoolboy when Keeho hugged him.
And it was fine, at first. Intak tried his best to ignore it, to varying levels of success. It was just a crush. He would get over it.
At some point, while they were preparing for Do It Like This , Intak let it slip. Thankfully, he only said it to Jiung, because if he said anything about it to Taeyang’s face he might just have shredded his idol contract himself. Jiung laughed at him like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard, because of course he did, and then promptly never brought it up again. Intak was extremely grateful.
Taeyang was always affectionate—specifically with Intak. He relished it. Anytime Taeyang held onto his arm, laid his head on Intak’s shoulder, or just stood close for the sake of comfort, Intak felt like he’d won something. When it changed, he was far from sure, but he noticed when it became drastic.
They had always been so close. Theo and Intak, Intak and Taeyang. However it was said, it would always be them. It’s just how they are—best friends. Soulmates, even.
Then it stopped being best friends and started being… this .
This being Taeyang sneaking into his bed so they can cuddle as they go to sleep, or tangling their fingers together under the table while they’re having a group dinner. Or grabbing Intak by the front of his shirt, pulling him behind one of the stylists’ racks of clothing, and kissing him so tenderly that, for a moment, Intak wonders if Taeyang loves him as much as he loves him.
This being them acting like a couple.
And they’re not—Intak is very sure that they’re not. He doesn’t think he can consider them just friends , but they’re certainly not dating. Taeyang cares about him deeply, enough to feel comfortable with the other members referring to them as boyfriends. Enough to kiss him the moment the cameras are off and the staff have gone elsewhere.
It’s confusing, but Intak thinks he understands. Or at least he did .
They’re nearing two years of this. Two years of behaving like a couple when they’re not one. Whatever crush he had several years ago has bloomed into something much deeper, much harder to get rid of or simply ignore.
Intak loves him so dearly that the emotion drowns him. He’s floating out into the ocean and has no fucking clue what he’s supposed to do.
Taeyang is—for lack of a better word—quite strange, but it’s one of the many things Intak loves about him. Half the time, he ignores things that people say if he isn’t completely sure he can respond to it, or make a joke. He’s loud, he yells for no reason, and he enjoys taking any chance he can to poke fun at the people he’s closest to. Intak is confident he understands those things about him.
But whatever their relationship has turned to has given Intak a new side of Taeyang that he doesn’t know much about. He’ll make fun of Intak for doing something wrong and then kiss him in the same breath.
Intak is confused.
Taeyang shuts the door behind him gently and then leans against the wall, like he’s trying to stabilize himself. Intak’s back is still facing him, but they catch each other’s gaze in the full-length wall mirror.
“Manager-nim texted,” Taeyang says, stuffing his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. It’s technically Intak’s, but there’s very little chance of him ever getting it back. He doesn’t mind. Taeyang looks cute in his things. “I assume you didn’t see.”
Intak shakes his head. He hasn’t even noticed his phone go off.
Taeyang hums softly and tucks his loose bangs behind his ear. The company had told him to cut it recently—a shame, if only because Intak likes to run his fingers through his long hair.
“They fixed the issue with Shota’s visa. He should be back in the country within the next two days.”
“Oh.”
Intak had expected bad news, so the anxiety in his gut dissipates, though only slightly. Having Shota back was great, especially with such an important comeback on the horizon, but he wouldn’t expect Taeyang to track him down at their company building just to tell him about something he could have called him about. Hell, he could have just told him in the morning.
He shifts uncomfortably on his feet. The room is entirely quiet, but he swears he can hear the rain. He wonders if Taeyang can hear it, too.
“That’s awesome,” Intak says. He truly means it, but his face must give away some of the worry in his mind. Not about Shota, but about them .
Because Taeyang has avoided him for a month.
The first few days, Intak had simply wondered if something had made him upset. He didn’t want to push. The urge to try to comfort him, make him feel better, was very strong, but it seemed obvious to everyone that Taeyang wanted to be left alone.
Then it stopped being just days and Taeyang didn’t reject affection from anyone else. It was only Intak.
It still is. Intak isn’t sure what he did to deserve such a reaction.
Intak is hurt.
They eye each other in the mirror. Whatever conversation they’re about to have isn’t going to be a nice one. Intak wonders if Taeyang hates him yet.
“Was that all, hyung?” Intak asks. His voice sounds upset, even to his own ears.
The Taeyang in the mirror shrinks into himself, so Intak assumes that the real Taeyang does the same. He feels tears burning in his eyes and a thick lump sitting in his throat.
Beats of silence ring out in the practice room, it feels like an eternity before either of them says anything.
“We should… stop.” Taeyang’s voice is soft—he’s clearly exhausted. Maybe it’s from the comeback preparations, or from the tour ending, or from the thoughts of their relationship haunting him.
“We already stopped,” Intak reminds him, bitterness coating his mouth.
Taeyang swallows so loudly that Intak can hear it from across the room. “Intak-ah.”
“What.” Intak feels something inside him snap and he turns around. He’s upset, he’s hurt. He doesn’t understand why he’s being treated like he means nothing. He hasn’t considered that, maybe, this conversation would become a shouting match because of him.
“Intak-ah,” Taeyang says again, and Intak can’t tell if he’s being lured in or pushed away even further.
“ What .” He doesn’t step closer, though he does ponder it. Whatever Taeyang is trying to get out is clogging his throat. Intak already feels bad for raising his voice.
Taeyang takes a few more moments to organize the thoughts in his head and rests his head against the wall. His eyes are shimmering, though not with sparkles or starlight.
“We need to stop because we can’t do… this . We’re going to hurt everyone.”
Intak, truly, is taken aback. Nothing was changing within their current dynamic, other than Intak’s growing feelings. They were careful, and the other members didn’t seem to give a fuck about what they were doing. How on Earth would they hurt anyone, let alone everyone ?
Intak sputters for a second in his confusion.
“Hurt everyone? The guys don’t care about what we’re doing, and if the management knows, then they haven’t said anything, and—”
Taeyang breaks, and it’s not loud or dramatic. It’s none of the things Intak thought it would be, if the two of them were to ever fight like this. Instead, tears fall from his eyes like crystalline waterfalls, and his shoulders shake as he cries.
“I know that you love me, Intak-ah.”
Somehow, Intak wishes that they were screaming at each other. Instead, it’s 3 AM, he’s standing in a practice room with the man he loves, feeling as his heart cracks so violently in his chest he’s worried that his lungs will be punctured.
Intak runs a hand through his sweat-dampened hair, trying to blink away the moisture in his lash line.
“How did you- did Ji-hyung tell you?”
Taeyang gives a little laugh and it sounds so, so sad.
“No, he didn’t need to tell me anything.” Taeyang smiles at him, and bright and beautiful as ever. Intak swears he’s being melted with the pure heat of the sun. “You’re very obvious, Intakki.”
He doesn’t sound angry, or upset—he sounds fond. Unbearably so. He’s even calling him Intakki . He hasn’t said that in a month.
But still he considers Intak’s love a bad thing, something he’s rejecting. Intak almost stumbles. His mind is in shambles.
“So you,” Intak pauses and wets his lips with his tongue, “you don’t want to be around me anymore because you know that I’m…” in love with you .
Rapidly, his eyes are filling with tears, and he isn’t sure what to do with himself. He rubs a hand over his face, but it does very little to self soothe.
“Intak, it’s not just that. I promise it’s not just you, we just—”
Intak’s head snaps up.
“‘Not just you’?”
Taeyang squeezes his lips together, eyes filling with panic.
“ Hyung ,” Intak says, nearly begging. For what specifically he doesn’t know—for Taeyang to explain himself, for Taeyang to love him. Perhaps both.
“Intak-ah,” Taeyang repeats. He says it when he doesn’t know how else to explain himself, Intak is sure of that.
“Taeyang-hyung,” he says gently, like he’s trying to coax a scared kitten out from under a bed. Intak closes the distance between them, but he doesn’t make any move to touch him.
Taeyang’s body shakes with a sob, and he covers his face with his arm, soaking the hoodie with more of his tears.
“Intak-ah, we can’t .”
And, oh, how Intak’s heart breaks—because he finally understands.
Taeyang is scared.
“Hyung,” he calls out softly. Slowly, he wraps his arms around Taeyang, and finds the hug immediately reciprocated. Relief floods through him.
Intak holds him tightly, feeling the tears on his own face slowly drying. He must look like a mess, and he can’t imagine he smells much better.
“We shouldn’t,” Taeyang whispers, “we really shouldn’t. If something leaks, it’s not just going to affect us. It would destroy the whole group.”
Intak rubs his hands in circles against Taeyang’s back, trying to help him calm down. Something blooms out of the cracks in his heart and fills the gaps. It’s love, he knows it is. Taeyang cares so deeply about their members, no matter how little or how much he shows it. Intak always knows that that fondness for them is there.
“We can talk to them about it,” he offers. “They didn’t seem to mind whatever we were doing before but if you want to…” Intak clears his throat and inhales, suddenly embarrassed. “If you want to… be my boyfriend?”
Taeyang peers up at him from his spot on Intak's shoulder, a small smile tugging at his lips.
“Are you seriously embarrassed to ask me out after I just started bawling in your arms, because I panicked and avoided you for a month?”
“I… yes?” Intak says, sheepishly.
Taeyang laughs at him, loud and wonderful, his hands holding on tightly to Intak’s jacket.
“What a loser,” Taeyang sighs, wiping at his nose with a sniffle. “I guess I’m stuck with you now, you giant puppy.”
Intak beams, feeling an impossible amount of happiness in his body. There’s a nonzero chance he’s begun to vibrate with it. Already, Taeyang is acting like himself again.
“We should go home,” Taeyang says. “We’ve done enough trying to figure out our relationship at 3 in the morning for one day, don’t you think?” He yawns and grabs Intak’s hand. “C’mon, I’m gonna take over your bed again.”
“Okay, okay.” Intak giggles. “I need to shower, though, I’m all sweaty.”
“That's why we’re sleeping in your bed, not my bed,” he explains with another yawn. “Your bed is already kind of gross, as is the rest of your room.”
“ Wow , I see how it is.”
Their trek back to the dorm is filled with similar banter—it’s familiar and it’s them . Intak cherishes it.
He almost doesn’t notice that it isn’t raining, nor did it seem to have ever progressed beyond a light drizzle.
When they do get back, Intak takes the world’s shortest shower so he can fill up his daily cuddle quota. Taeyang curls up into his chest, and Intak presses his nose into his hair.
“Intak-ah,” Taeyang mutters. Intak hums and softly kisses the crown of his head, just because he can.
“I love you, too.”
Intak breathes in deeply, suddenly very unsure of what to say.
“I- I love you.”
As quietly as he can, Taeyang laughs. He wraps his arms tightly around Intak’s torso.
“You’re so cute,” he teases.
“Go to sleep,” Intak grumbles.
In the morning—or later that day, Intak supposes—he’s woken up by one of Keeho’s many comments.
“Holy shit, I think they’re in love again.”
Intak makes an annoyed noise in the back of his throat. He’s tired, he just wants to cuddle with his soon-to-be, unofficial boyfriend. Taeyang is still snuggled against him when he wakes up, much to Intak’s joy.
The room is empty when Taeyang opens his eyes, so Intak gives him a quick kiss—morning breath be damned.
Taeyang hums softly and leans up to kiss his cheek. “‘Morning.”
They talk about it during breakfast—Intak and Taeyang want to be a couple, and not just have some strange, nebulous relationship that no one understands. The others are supportive, like he’d thought they would be, and they take Taeyang’s worries about their relationship being outed and destroying the group’s reputation very seriously—it’s something important to remember as they do this. Intak is confident they’ll be okay, though, and he does his best to convince Taeyang of the same thing.
He and Taeyang are just as careful as they were before. They make sure none of the staff catch them being overly affectionate, and they tone it down in front of the cameras. Intak doesn’t think he could be happier if he tried .
Sometimes, Taeyang confuses him. But it’s not gut wrenching and soul crushing the way it was before—instead it’s just the things that endear him. Taeyang is unusual and confusing, but Intak doesn’t mind it when it’s like this.
Intak loves him.