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It takes a few days after the match with Teikoku for everything to finally sink in. They nearly died, Kageyama got arrested, Gouenji shot a Fire Tornado at Endou, Kidou and Haruna are siblings , they won against the Teikoku Gakuen.
There's not much to do about any of that now, especially not when the track team is at the forefront of his mind again, but there's something else that Ichirouta wants to deal with more than anything, and that is to talk about something with Gouenji.
He's… not really sure what to say, only that something needs to be said. Ichirouta would never have expected Gouenji to do something like that, to… to attack one of their own like that. Sure, it all ended well and it knocked Endou out of whatever stupor he had gotten into, but there were other, more rational and less risky ways of dealing with the situation.
So, yeah, something needs to be said, even if Ichirouta doesn't want to be the one to say it.
It's not hard to catch Gouenji alone, not when they've been practising for Honoo no Kazamidori so much together, late into the afternoon until Endou is the only one left with them.
He gets lucky one day when Endou has to return home early, something about studying that Ichirouta doesn't completely catch because of the speed with which Endou shoots away from them.
Ichirouta watches him leave, dread building up within him. Endou seems fine; he doesn't even appear to be holding a grudge or any hard feelings. Endou probably hadn't even given a second thought to what had happened, because Endou is forgiving like that. Once he gives his trust to someone, it's hard to shake it.
But it isn't just for Endou's sake that Ichirouta wants to do this. He's concerned about Gouenji too, about what could have happened to make him think that that is an appropriate response to someone going through a hard time.
"Kazemaru?"
He turns to face Gouenji, who's holding up a ball with a concerned frown.
A part of Ichirouta wonders if he'll be getting hit by a hissatsu this time, but he shakes the thought away guiltily. It's not as if Gouenji goes around hitting people all the time. The Endou situation had been an outlier, nothing more nothing less. Ichirouta just needs to make sure that there's nothing more serious going on.
"Hey, can we talk for a bit?" Ichirouta ends up saying before he can stop himself.
Gouenji's eyes narrow a little in that assessing way that Ichirouta has come to recognize as a form of worry. "Alright. What is it?"
Ichirouta hesitates. No one else seems bothered, so perhaps he's overthinking it. He probably is. But in the off-chance that he's not, Ichirouta would rather look like a fool than be one.
"It's about our match with Teikoku. When you… uh, hit Endou with Fire Tornado?" His voice comes out more uncertain than he would like, and Ichirouta can't help but wince a little.
Gouenji nods but he doesn't seem to realise what Ichirouta is getting at. "What about it?"
"Why did you do that?"
That, somehow, doesn't seem to clear up things at all. If anything, Gouenji looks even more confused. "Because he wasn't focusing. Kazemaru, what are you getting at?"
"Don't you think that," he says, unsure of how to put it nicely, "I don't know, talking might have resolved things more peacefully?"
Fortunately, Gouenji doesn't seem to take any offence. "There wasn't enough time. And Endou wouldn't talk about Kidou and Otonashi's secret like that."
None of that is untrue, but it's also not what Ichirouta is trying to say. "Yeah, but… It's just… You could have injured him," he finally says.
Finally, realisation sparks in Gouenji's eyes. "I wasn't using my full strength. I know how to hold back when I need to."
"I know that," Ichirouta says, raising his hands in a placating gesture. It seems unnecessary though, so he drops them just a moment after. "That's not what I'm worried about." He tries to find the right words and sighs irritably when he fails.
Gouenji is taking this a lot more calmly than he expected. There's not a hint of irritation on his face, just confusion. Not that Gouenji is usually quick to anger. Which makes that incident all the more worrying.
Gouenji, by nature, is not a violent person, so there had to have been a… a trigger or something . Someoka had been outright hostile to him when he'd first joined and Gouenji hadn't resorted to hitting him . And no one can deny that out of everyone on the team, Endou is the person Gouenji is the closest to. He wouldn't attack him out of nowhere.
"Look," Ichirouta says and Gouenji patiently waits for him to gather his thoughts. "You don't usually go around shooting fireballs at people just to make a point. I doubt you would start with Endou of all people. So, what I'm trying to say is, did something happen? Back then?"
That seems to catch him off guard, if the way Gouenji opens and closes his mouth is any indication. It's the first time Ichirouta has seen this kind of expression from him and had it been any other situation, he might have found it more than a little funny.
"I…" With each passing second, Gouenji seems to get increasingly baffled. "I'm fine. I wasn't the one acting weird. Endou was."
Ichirouta raises an eyebrow. "And you thought it would be a better idea to hit him than just talking it out?"
"Talking?" Gouenji says with a blank look, as though hearing the word for the first time.
Ichirouta crosses his arms. "Yeah. That's what most people do when their friends are going through a problem."
"...Oh."
Gouenji doesn't say anything after that and they continue their practice. None of their shoots make it to the goal. It's the same result as all their previous attempts but Ichirouta thinks that he's not the only one at fault for that this time.
By the time Shuuya returns home, it's way past sunset. He can't really bring himself to care though, not when there's so much on his mind. And it's not like there is anyone at home to mind his absence.
Well, there's Fuku-san, but she doesn't usually stay until this late. She has her own home and her own family to go to, and while she waits for him to return as long as she can, some days she has to take the spare key with her and leave him a message telling him to come home safely.
Today is one such day and Shuuya goes straight to his room, ignoring the note she left on the dining table to remind him to eat.
Shuuya tries not to worry her, but he's never been really good at not being a hindrance. He's not… good with people; he can't remember ever being. He's usually better at not thinking about that, but today's conversation with Kazemaru is still echoing in his head.
He hadn't really thought much of the match with Teikoku. Endou didn't speak of it with him either, so he can't have misstepped that badly. But it was enough to worry Kazemaru, about Shuuya for some reason instead of Endou.
He can understand not worrying about Endou. He's not someone people have to worry about much. Always infallible and larger than life, unshakable in a way that always seems unreal.
It's Kazemaru's worry for him that Shuuya can't understand. Sure, he doesn't usually do things like that, but Endou wasn't focusing when they needed him to and someone needed to do something but no one had been, so Shuuya did .
And it helped .
So why is Kazemaru so worked up about it?
Maybe… Shuuya really did misstep and Endou didn't say anything because either he didn't notice or he thought that it was no big deal. Both seem in character for his friend.
So all Shuuya needs to do is apologise. That will fix everything.
Mind made up, Shuuya nods to himself. He's just about to head over to the kitchen to get dinner when he hears the front door open. His father's loud footsteps echo through his door, and Shuuya decides that he's going straight to bed after all.
Note to self: apologising is harder than he thought.
It's not a lack of trying on his part, but whenever he works up the nerve to bring the topic up with Endou, either someone else interrupts or Shuuya ends up saying something completely different. If Endou notices, he doesn't mention it a single time, for which Shuuya is equally grateful and annoyed.
Then again, Kazemaru is the one most bothered by what happened, so maybe that's who Shuuya should be apologising to? But Kazemaru hadn't been angry yesterday, just worried. About him and not Endou for some reason and Shuuya can't make heads or tails of it.
It's driving him crazy. He hasn't been able to focus on anything since then, be it a conversation or a lecture or his textbooks. It's affecting his studies and worst of all, it's affecting soccer.
Practice has never felt more like a punishment than— Actually, no. It was worse in the few weeks after the disaster that was the Football Frontier of last year. At least no one was actively trying to pick fights with him right now and it was worry that was palpable throughout the field instead of anger and resentment.
Still, the worried eyes of his teammates dig holes into the back of his head at every miskick, and he can't help but remember the hateful stares of Kidokawa. Shuuya has to shake his head to clear his mind. It's not like that. They're not angry with, just worried, even if they have no reason to be worried.
Shuuya doesn't know if it's on purpose or not, but Someoka intervenes with the right words at the right time. "You feeling okay?"
Shuuya stares at him for a moment, trying to get his bearings. He lets out a harsh breath. "Yeah, just fine."
Someoka doesn't push it, but Shuuya knows, even when turned to the goal, that Someoka is wearing that worried frown he always tries to hide when he thinks people are looking. It's both relieving and exhausting at the same time.
At the goal, Endou has the same look in his eyes, except it's more open for everyone to see because that's just what Endou is like.
Shuuya can't help but sigh in frustration.
No, this isn't Kidokawa, but this also isn't much better.
One by one, everyone starts to leave, until it's only him, Endou and Kazemaru there. Shuuya doesn't know what expression he's wearing, but Kazemaru doesn't stick around for long either. Seems they aren't practising Honoo no Kazamidori today, then.
It's only him and Endou left now, slowly gathering all the balls scattered around the field — the managers had stopped sticking around for this particular duty when they realised how late they practised at times. It had taken a lot of convincing on their part and while the lack of confidence in their ability to clean up after themselves was a bit irritating, it was fair enough all things considered.
"Can't believe it's almost time for the Nationals," Endou said, breaking the silence between them. "Time sure flies, huh?"
Shuuya hums noncommittally but doesn't say much.
If Endou minds the lack of response, he doesn't comment on it. "It was nice to see the school supporting us for a change. It was like a dream up until a few weeks ago."
"Well," Shuuya says, "Natsumi went from wanting to disband the club to becoming a manager. Now that's certainly a change."
Endou laughs. "Yeah. And none of this would have been possible if you hadn't saved us in that match against Teikoku. I don't remember if I said this back then, but thanks."
"You did," Shuuya says. He remembers how it had felt, the mixture of happiness at finally being able to play soccer again, the nostalgia at seeing all the rookies, the misery at having broken his promise to Yuuka and the annoyance that despite all his efforts, Endou had managed to get through to him even just a little.
They fall into silence again, and Shuuya gets the strange feeling that Endou is waiting for him to say something. So, before he can back out again, Shuuya says, "Actually, there's something I need to say."
Endou looks at him curiously but doesn't say anything.
"I…" Once again, the words are stuck in his throat. Shuuya lets out a sharp breath and shakes his head. "No, nevermind."
Endou's eyebrows are furrowed with concern, but he doesn't push it. "Well, alright, if you say so. But you know, if there's anything you need to talk about, I'm here. We all are. "
Packing up doesn't take long after that, and before he knows it, they're parting ways.
More than a little annoyed, Shuuya kicks at the dirt. Why do people have to be so complicated?
He knows he's messed up when his father is home earlier than he is. In Shuuya's defence, he had a lot on his mind and taking a detour or two after the kind of day he had seemed justified.
Under the scrutiny of his father's angry stare at the dining table, however, Shuuya just wishes that he had come home earlier.
"And where were you?" his father asks, in a tone that means that the answer he will get doesn't really matter. He's already far past the boiling point.
Shuuya hates it when his father does that. He had learned a long time ago that no matter how much it seemed like he could steer the conversation in any direction, his father had no intention of actually listening to him. He usually never did.
"Practice," Shuuya says, which technically isn't a lie.
His father's glare worsens. Not lying doesn't change the fact that his father hates that Shuuya is playing soccer again. “At this hour? Do you have any idea how this will affect your studies?”
“Well, it is the Nationals,” Shuuya says before he can help himself.
His father stares back in silent anger for a moment, as though surprised that Shuuya even dares to say such a thing. Fair enough. Usually, Shuuya is much better at not blurting out such things.
“That is no excuse!” his father finally says. “There is so much you could be doing with your life right now, and you would waste it on a trivial sport? After what happened to your mother?! After what happened to Yuuka?!”
Shuuya stiffens. Yuuka is a subject they don’t really talk about much even by their standards, beyond her recovery.
“How can you even think about playing again? I didn’t raise you to be so callous. Does your sister matter that little to you?!”
“What do you know about any of that?! You’re never even here! You’re the one who doesn’t care!”
It’s only after he’s spoken that Shuuya realises what he just said. He can feel his body going cold, his head a bit fuzzy. He’s breathing heavily, from the shouting or the adrenaline, he can’t quite tell.
His father sits across from him in the same silence, too stunned to even speak.
“Father, I…” Shuuya gets up from his chair, making it screech in protest. “Please excuse me.”
He walks to his room mechanically, not entirely aware of anything around him. If his father calls after him, Shuuya doesn’t know.
“You look terrible,” is the first thing Someoka says to him when they meet up at the bus stop. Shuuya’s running late enough that the bus is already there, which is unusual on its own.
Shuuya grimaces but doesn’t respond. He’s not entirely sure what to say and given his track record lately, he doesn’t want to risk it. He doesn’t enjoy making people angry, nor does he want a confrontation with Someoka in the morning while on a bus of all things.
It doesn’t help that Someoka starts leaning really close to Shuuya’s face, almost hovering. And he has the gall to claim that Endou’s a sap.
“I’m fine ,” Shuuya grumbles at him, which doesn’t seem to help his case much. Because of course it doesn't.
Someoka leans back into his seat and scoffs. “Sure. That sounded so convincing.”
Shuuya doesn’t bother responding. It never does him any good at all, it seems.
Someoka’s mother-henning, it turns out, is as contagious as it is annoying. Throughout class, Endou keeps shooting his worried looks that he thinks are subtle. During practice, none of his shots reach even close to the goal — even normal ones, let alone Honoo no Kazamidori. Yet, all he gets are encouraging words and a rough pat on the shoulder from Domon, none of which is unusual except their obviously overcompensating for something. And when they take a break, Shuuya forgets to wash his hands before eating but Natsumi only wrinkles her nose at him without a word, despite chewing everyone else out.
He’s seen his teammates worry about others enough that he knows that this is exactly what it looks like. Raimon is just like that, he’s come to realise, so inexplicably friendly that it’s never really felt real before. It’s like a hole Shuuya was never aware of being filled in. He’s still not sure what exactly it is about his teammates, but he would always prefer being around them than being at home.
He thinks back to his time with Kidokawa, and the angry, resentful eyes that followed him everywhere. He thinks about home, always cold and empty and suffocating.
He should be grateful about where he is now, about having people who care about him enough to worry for him.
So why does he feel guilty for it?
“Hey, Gouenji,” Endou says, running up to him right as he’s leaving after practice. “I was about to go to the tire swing for some more training. Wanna come?”
Shuuya… really shouldn’t. Not after last night. But the thought of going back home, regardless of whether his father would be there or not, makes him want to avoid the place forever.
“Sure.”
They walk in silence for a while, with Endou rambling about what his mom made for dinner last night. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong with him, which Shuuya is grateful for, but it also makes an unpleasant feeling stir inside him.
Endou is usually so, so easy to talk to. He’s simple-minded and easy-going and he doesn’t judge people no matter what they do or say. And he doesn’t mind if anything Shuuya says comes off as rude or annoying.
So of course Shuuya had to go and mess it up in that stupid match against Teikoku. And he hadn’t even realised until Kazemaru pointed it out.
Getting angry when he didn’t get the response he wanted… Isn’t that what his father does? Sure, his father never hit Shuuya, but the anger was still there, and isn’t what Shuuya did so much worse?
“Hey, Gouenji?”
It’s only when Endou speaks up again that he realises that they’ve already reached the small hill.
Shuuya shakes his head. “Sorry, what?”
Endou is frowning at him again, the same look that Kazemaru had three days ago and that Someoka wore this morning and the one the whole team was giving him all day.
“I asked if you got enough sleep last night. You look like a zombie.”
“Oh.”
Honestly, he hadn’t. Despite going to bed early, all he’d been able to think about was how he always seemed to ruin things with other people eventually — Endou during that match, Kazemaru three days ago and his father last night. Yuuka on the day of her accident.
He… never really got around to apologising, he realises suddenly.
“Listen,” he says. “I… I’m sorry.” At Endou’s confused expression, he adds, “About the match with Teikoku.”
The explanation doesn’t seem to help much.
“Sure…?” Endou says, still looking confused. “I’m not sure what you’re apologising for though.”
Shuuya sighs. Of course he doesn’t. “I mean…” He shrugs uncomfortably. Apologising is really hard. How do people do it? “You know… I hit you with a Fire Tornado.”
Endou’s face brightens up in realisation. “Oh! That. You don’t have to feel bad about it. It’s fine!”
“No, it’s not! I hurt you.”
Endou shrugs. “I mean, sure, it was a powerful kick. It was your hissatsu after all. But it wasn’t that bad. And you were just trying to help anyway.”
He thinks back to last night. Shuuya could say the same about his father but knowing that never really helped . If anything, the knowledge made it hurt more.
“I think… I think talking might have been better,” Shuuya says after a moment.
Endou's smile doesn't waver. “Sure. Now you know. You can try that next time.”
“But that won't change—”
“No, but nothing will. You can only change what you will do.” Endou reaches out and grabs Shuuya's shoulder. “You're allowed to make mistakes, Gouenji. We'll still be there. All of us.”
Shuuya can't help but look away for a moment. There's something about Endou that has always made him want to talk. “You shouldn't have to put up with it though,” he says.
“Why not? Supporting each other is what friends are for. We help each other become better versions of ourselves. It's teamwork!”
As nice as that sounds, it feels too good to be true. But Raimon is good at pulling off the impossible.
Shuuya thinks back to the way everyone's been around him. Kazemaru had realised that Shuuya could have handled things better, but he was nice about it. The team was more worried than angry with him no matter how much he messed up. Endou didn't even think twice about what had happened.
Shuuya looks back on it and he thinks that perhaps he should believe Endou after all. He tends to be right about these things.