Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mikey was sitting criss cross on his soft bed while drawing in his sketchbook. He struggles to move his pencil while his eyes rise and fall. He found inspiration hard these days. See, a few years ago he and his brothers lost their dad. Humans found them hiding on the surface and he was taken from them. He could still hear the screams of utter agony and when he closes his eyes he can still see the blood spilled over the sidewalk in a brutal picture of grief. He would never forget the screams of Raph as he broke the wall in heartbreak. The tears that fell out of Donnie’s eyes as he barely was able to hug Leo. Overwhelmed. He would never forget how Leo sobbed into Donnie’s shoulder. What was he doing? He was just frozen by his shock. He was a small child! He was only nine. What was he supposed to do? He was useless that day. Still is now. 

But Raph was always there. He carried the role of their caregiver. He was so nice. So caring towards them. He, Donnie, Leo, they all adore Raph to high heaven. Sure he had his moments but it’s ok! He only does what’s best for them. They aren’t allowed to leave the sewer anymore. Not after what happened. That’s ok too! And Raph was so brave! He went out there to get food for them. He even brings April over sometimes! She is basically their sister. No matter how useless he was, Raph was always there to care and help him out. But god, it was so hard to draw without a muse. 

Raph then walks into the room which startled Mikey. He wasn’t sure why he got so jumpy around Raph. He wasn’t scared of him. Right? Of course not! Raph may have outbursts but he wasn’t scared to talk to him. Only about certain things! What is he even thinking? He shakes the feeling off and beams brightly to Raph. “Raphie! You’re back!” He cheers and runs up to him. He tries to hug Raph, arms unable to stretch further to hold him completely. Instead they were laid out of Raph’s stomach like a starfish. Raph automatically wraps his arms around Mikey. He chuckles softly and smiles at Mikey back. His smile is so warm. Mikey found comfort in it. Yet he never felt truly relaxed around him. No time to think about that though. 

“Hey there, big man. Yeah I’m back and I got you some more colored pencils!” Raph says with a celebratory tone. He fumbles with the plastic bag that was filled with food and small gifts for him and his brothers before handing Mikey the colored pencils. “I know you’ve been having a hard time with your art. That makes me sad. I hate seeing you so tired.” Raph adds on with a frown. A ping of guilt hit Mikey’s heart at the comment. He made Raph sad. He made Raph sad. He was so horrible… wasn’t he? Raph then smiles again, distracting him from the dark thoughts of his mind. “So I hope this will help.” Mikey looks down at the colored pencils then up at Raph’s face and smiles sheepishly. Guilt furthers eats at him as it dawns on him that, no. This didn’t help at all and that nothing will unless he got some inspiration.

“Ehehe… thanks, Raphie.” He settles for instead. Nerves of nothing but utter stress flair in an almost painful way. Rolls of nausea suddenly hit him while looking at Raph’s sweet smile. “But– I- uh…” He wanted to throw up as he spoke but he kept it all in. Despite the vigorous amounts of fear. Why was he even so nervous? Why did it hurt so much to try and say the truth? Raph tilted his head to the side and he had to swallow the sick down. “This doesn’t really help that much! I- I need a muse and I can’t draw being surrounded by nothing but the sewer walls!” His stomach attacked itself like rabid wolves. His nerves jolt in his body as he starts sinking into his shell. “C-can I maybe go outside to draw? I’ll be safe! I promise! Please don’t be mad…” He waits for Raph’s response, continuing to sink away.

“You wanna leave…? You want to leave Raphie?” Raph didn’t get mad. Instead his voice cracked pathetically as tears welled up in his eyes. Mikey’s heart broke at the sight. He didn’t mean to make it sound that way! Raph’s eyes shifted from bright and happy to dark and in pain. Raph grasps his hand to his chest, right over his heart. Mikey had to swallow up sick again as the guilt tried to spew from his mouth. “Why…? Am I not enough? Are Leo and Donnie not enough?” He starts to sob. His eyes looked panicked while looking into Mikey’s. They fall down, dripping from his face like rain. 

“No! I mean- yes you’re enough! Just please don’t cry…” Mikey tries to console Raph but to no avail. He goes up and rests his head on Raph’s shoulder as tears start bubbling up in his eyes. “Raphie! Stop please… you know I love you. I would never try and leave you!” Raph comes to a stop immediately as he stops crying and growls. He looks at Mikey with nothing but rage , eyes still red from his crying.

“Yet you just tried to. Right now. If you didn’t want to leave me then why would you want to go outside? You can draw in here just fine.” His tone becomes cold and bitter. It sent shivers down Mikey’s spine, shivers of fear. “If you want to leave then go. I don’t care anymore. After everything I did for you too, without any help… but it’s fine. Go on, leave and go see the world.” Mikey’s heart broke in a million pieces. He made Raph upset. He is such a horrible person! Raph already did so much. He was asking for too much. Raph wasn’t even looking at him.

Mikey breaks down into tears as he goes to hug Raph. He buries his face into Raph’s chest as loud, remorse ridden apologizes fall out of his mouth so naturally like rivers. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I don’t wanna go to the human world anymore! I want to stay here! I want to stay with you! I’m sorry!” He cries so hard he choked on his own sobs. Raph eventually holds onto Mikey tightly, softly cooing at him to soothe him. 

“Shh… I forgive you. It’s ok. Just don’t bring this up again, I just want you to be safe. You’ll only be safe with me. It’s a dangerous world out there, a horrible and cruel world. But I’ll always be here. Never forget that.” He whispers to Mikey. He lets him go and smiles at him. He gives Mikey a little kiss on the forehead. 

“I won’t!” Mikey promises with everything in his heart. He wasn’t sure if he meant it but he was happy to see Raph smiling again. Raph nods with approval and pats his head before walking out of the room. Raph loves him! He just wants to protect him. He only has good intentions.! He would never do anything to hurt him. Yet as Raph left he didn’t feel any better. He stares at the colored pencils Raph bought him. A twenty-fourth your pack. He wants to like the gift but looking at it made him want to cry. So he does. He isn’t sure why but he does. 

He cries.

Chapter Text

A few hours later, Mikey’s eyes now blood-shot red from earlier’s sob session, came a booming call from their eldest brother. “Guys! Dinner’s here! It’s pizza!” His sore eyes brighten at that. The delicious smell of pizza tickled at his snout and he followed the smell with airy steps. His tail wags eagerly at the overwhelmingly amazing scent. He waddles out of his room happily, seeing Raph waiting there with some stolen pizza boxes. Out came Leo and Donnie along with him, looking eager themselves. Or as eager as Donnie can look. He’s never been one to be very expressive. 

Raph grabbed four plates of them and put some slices of pizza on it. Leo casually slides into his chair, Donnie following behind him and sitting down next to him. “Hello, hermanos!~” Leo says in an energetic greeting. He waves with a wink, causing Donnie to roll his eyes and Raph to smile. Mikey himself laughs a little. They could always rely on Leo to brighten the atmosphere. He’s always been the comedian of the family. “The most handsome of you all is here.” 

Donnie audibly snorts at that. “Oh, please. You wish.” He snarks, causing Leo to gasp in mock and dramatic offense. He shoves Donnie playfully which made him shove Leo right back. The two start fighting by the table, teasing each other with one funny jab after the other. Mikey smiles at them. It’s been a while since he’s seen them so happy. 

“ Ahem. ” Raph clears his throat to get everyone’s attention. “C’mon you two, let’s be mature now.” He asks them politely, tone overly sweet. He always spoke like his voice was laced with honey. Expect for when he was upset of course. Both Donnie and Leo recoil into themselves at his words. They went from chaotic to silent in a split second; none of them would ever try to upset Raph. That’s shameful. Whenever they did the guilt would devour their very beings.

Raph shows them a happy smile, sharp tooth lining on his lip. “Thank you guys!” His smile always brought both Mikey relief and an oddly sick pain in his stomach. He hunched over upon feeling that shame hit him again. He can’t believe he made Raph cry earlier today. And he still brought pizza for him! He truly didn’t deserve his big brother. That smile made it hurt even more. So pure and happy. 

“Of course, sorry Raph.” Leo says with a sheepish smile. He sounded quiet, incredibly nervous. The tone he’d usually spoken in these days. Raph leaned in closer to Leo, that same big smile on his face. He reaches out for Leo which causes Leo to flinch before feeling Raph’s rough hand on his head and not against his face in a slap or fist. Raph gently pats his head, Leo looking up at his hand in awe. Why did Leo even flinch? Why did any of them flinch whenever Raph got too close, actually? Even Mikey did! He couldn’t wrap his fingers around why. It’s not like he’s ever hurt them. He’s never slapped or punched him before. Therefore he’s never hurt them! Right? 

“Don’t worry about it, Leo. I’m not mad at you!” Raph says reassuringly. That tone brought comfort to him. Calmed Leo’s nerves. Leo starts smiling again so Raph let him go. He then reaches for Donnie to pat his head too. A sign of affection and love. “And I’m not mad at you either, Don. You’re both ok! Just don’t make a ruckus while at the table again. Because that is quite stressful for me. You don’t want to stress Raphie out, do you?” At that last part Donnie looks up at Raph frantically, Leo’s smile dropping along with it. Mikey wasn’t even the one being spoken too yet he felt jolts of shame crash over him like a wave. His heart pounded intensely in his chest, he could hear his ears ringing, and he could feel himself take a sharp breath. Oh, god , that hurt. Both twins shake their heads vigorously as a way to say no. 

“No! N-no, we don’t want t-that…” Donnie stumbles all over his words like a young child. He was normally such a confident speaker. There was something slightly unnerving about it. Leo couldn’t even speak as whenever he opened his mouth all he could manage was broken sobs and apologies. “P-please, we won’t do it a-again. We- we’re sorry…” He bows his head down in shame. Raph reaches out again and gives the two a hug, wrapping his arms around them in a comforting way. 

“Shh… c’mon guys! No need to cry. It’s ok. I still love you- I love you guys more than anything!” Those words came out sweeter than honey, yet a part of it stung like a bee. How can a tone that could put out a fire also be the very thing to set it? The twins sobbed in Raph’s arms, hugging him back just as tightly. Mikey felt a little disheartened that he didn’t get a hug too. It made no sense- it’s not like he was crying or that he needed comfort anymore. But Raph’s attention was something that he needed. No matter what or how. Was it to fill the emptiness in his heart? Or just because he loves him? He wasn’t sure but he didn’t want to think about it.  “Now that we all are feeling better, let’s eat!” Raph says in a cheer. Mikey smiles at that. 

“Yeah! I’m starving- my blood sugies need this!” The box turtle happily grabbed a slice and started munching greedily on it. He hears his older brothers laugh at his display and it made him smile. It always brought warmth in his stomach whenever his brothers were happy. They needed a little bit of sunshine on pizza night. The night carried on as normal, eating and talking. It was such a joyful atmosphere. Yet Mikey still felt seeping guilt in the back of his mind. He had to be a better brother. 

He’ll be better.