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Nesta couldn’t feel the alcohol that should’ve burned against her throat. The adrenaline still pounded within her veins. She was still too aware of everything, recalling all the nightmare memories of the night. The broken look that Feyre gave her as she was told the truth. The sneer on Amren’s face, full of disgust and disappointment, as Nesta stood there in anguish. The dooming feeling that she ruined everything once again.
She threw down her glass and flung a few coins on the counter before leaving, ignoring the whispers and stares that followed her.
Nesta couldn’t think about him right now. Is he looking for her? Was he concerned or was he… disappointed like the rest of them? She briefly thought back to that night on the bridge on winter solstice. He was taunting her to get a reaction, but it did the opposite. It numbed her to see he was as disappointed as the rest of them. Do better. Try. She wanted to scream.
She was stumbling out in the cold and dark streets, a scene too familiar. Nesta found herself not knowing where to go. What home did she have?
“Are you lost Archeron?” A cold, deep voice asked.
She swirled around to see the smug face of Eris Vanserra. Nesta wondered briefly if that smirk was the only muscle memory his face had.
“What are you doing here?” She asked, trying to focus on his angular face.
He frowned a bit at her tone and her slight stumble as she stepped closer. But it wasn’t a distasteful one. Surprisingly, it was something of empathy… no it couldn’t be.
“Business.” He replied curtly and angled his head. “I’m surprised you aren’t in the sparkling castle in the sky.”
Nesta grimaced. The house provided her with all she wanted. Chocolate, unicorns, books, warmth… but now a sick feeling crawled in her stomach. It gave her gifts and comfort so she would never leave. They didn’t want her to leave, not unless she did better.
“Needed a drink.” She said through gritted teeth and proceeded to walk past.
“Is the Night Court not treating you right?” He asked amusingly. “There’s always a nice room at Autumn for you.” She knew he was joking but her steps faltered. There was no place for her here, if he didn’t want to before, Rhysand surely wanted to kill her now.
A thought came across Nesta's mind and before she could think further, turning to face him, she asked, “Would you… offer asylum?”
Surprise flickered across his face. “Why would you need that?”
Before she could reply her spine tightened. He was here. She could feel him from miles away. The distinct sounds of wings flapping confirmed her thoughts. Within a few moments, Cassian landed gracefully behind her, the gust of wind blowing her hair. Eris grimaced.
Nesta whirled to see the look on his face. Her heart was hammering, but there was no remorse in his eyes. Anger. Disappointment. Suddenly she felt something hollow in her chest as she observed his face. Hard lines. Jaw tightened. Before his eyes flickered to Eris.
“What are you doing with him?” He asked accusingly.
Eris raised an eyebrow at his tone and threw up his hands, “We just stumbled upon each other.”
“What are you doing here Cassian?” Nesta asked, but she knew the answer.
His gaze locked onto hers. “Why did you tell Feyre? It was not your place to tell her. You only did it to hurt her.” Cassian almost snarled.
The way he looked at her made her want to throw up. I hurt Feyre. That's all that mattered to him. She knew he was right but he couldn’t see why she did it.
“I wanted her to feel what I feel.” She felt pathetic.
Cassian scoffed, the sound sharp against her chest. Nesta wished she could also laugh then, but she’d end up sobbing. She did not know what hurt most, seeing him choose them over her or him even having to choose at all.
A long sigh escaped Cassian. “Rhysand will find you Nesta. I’m here to take you.” He stretched his arms out.
Her eyes narrowed. “Taking me back to my prison?”
His nostrils flared. “That prison is better than the rot-infested dump you were living in for the past two years.” He snipped back
“At least I could leave.” She gritted through her teeth. Anger. She felt it now.
“Yes… and exactly where have you gone?" He sniffed the air, "Drinking again, Nes?"
Nesta flinched. The disgust was the same as it was a few months ago. “These bars helped me numb the urge to dunk my head underwater and never come back up.”
Something flickered in Cassian's eyes before he stepped closer to her. “Come. We’re going.” He reached for her but she stepped away, making him stop.
“Not until you tell me where.”
A beat passed before Cassian answered, “We're hiking through the Illyrian Pass.”
Eris sucked in a breath. Nesta forgot he was still there, carefully watching the exchange. “What is she on a death sentence?” Eris asked incredulously. Nesta stood silently waiting for Cassian. He wasn’t looking at her now. But staring daggers at Eris.
“This is Night Court business, Vanserra.”
“Really? " Eris almost laughed. "That’s funny, I thought Nesta asked me for asylum a minute ago.”
“What?” Cassian’s eyes slithered back to Nesta.
“You’re here to punish me.” She whispered, suddenly sobered up. Nesta was shaking slightly. Cassian blinked and looked away. “Do you think I deserve that Cassian?” Now she looked up at him. Nesta knew the answer just by his hesitation. His hazel eyes were a storm.
“He’ll kill you otherwise.” Cassian's voice wavered.
Nesta stepped closer. His scent filled her nose, a feeling that once soothed her. Now it slowly ate away at her heart. “Then. Don't. Let. Him.”
“I can’t…” He trailed off. Cassian still couldn't look at her. He can’t disobey his high lord, not even for you. It was a thought that slithered in the back of Nesta's head. She once thought it was an intrusive thought but now she can't ignore it happening in front of her eyes.
Nesta searched for that tie, reaching within herself, and tugged that rope sharply. “What does that mean to you?”
His jaw tightened. "You’re gonna play this card now, Nesta?”
“Do you think I should be punished?” She repeated the question, this time her voice firm.
He didn’t answer. If Nesta could peek into his mind she knew what he was thinking. It's what they all felt towards her. Nesta knew she could take it from them but Cassian....
Cassian was supposed to be different. From the start, he created that spark, he loved the ferocity in Nesta and was the only person to embrace it. Nesta blinked back tears, how could he be so blind now? Did he want this? Does she want this? A million thoughts were swirling through her mind.
Then, Nesta inhaled slowly and cleared her mind for a brief moment.
“I don’t want to be your burden anymore Cassian… I can’t be who you want me to be.” She whispered and stepped further away from him. Cassian's head snapped up before clutching his side in pain.
There was a sharp notion in Cassian's ribs. It twisted and snapped so sharply that it yanked him back a few steps. Then an aching burn crawled up his throat. “What did you do Nesta?" He rasped, he could barely breathe.
Tears were running down her cheeks. “Eris. I want to seek asylum to Autumn, now.”
Cassian started to feel numb. His knees gave out, landing harshly on the hard snow. But he couldn't feel it.
Eris looked at him sympathetically as he took ahold of Nesta's wrist and winnowed her away. Her scent was the only thing remaining, almost mocking him. He knelt there on the ground, heaving for breath. He finally realized he was crying too. Now all Cassian could feel was an unfamiliar hollowness. So numbing and painful.
Nesta broke the bond.