Chapter Text
Bells will be ringing this sad sad news
Oh what a Christmas to have the blues
My baby's gone I have no friends
To wish me greetings once again
Choirs will be singing "Silent Night"
Christmas carols by candlelight
Please come home for Christmas
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas by New Years night
Friends and relations send salutations
Sure as the stars shine above
But this is Christmas yes Christmas my dear
The time of year to be with the ones you love
So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and New Years will find you home
There'll be no more sorrow no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, happy once again
Oh there'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, Christmas once again
******
The war ended three years ago. Remus hadn’t been in England for three years. He hadn’t spoken to his friends in four years. He hadn’t spoken to Sirius in four years.
When he walked out the door of their cramped, little studio flat in Camden, he made peace with himself, saying he was keeping everyone safe. Sirius thought he was a traitor. Lily and James were in hiding. Peter was just better off without him. He stayed on to work with the Order but he was in deep cover. Deeper than he had been when he was keeping all those missions secret from Sirius. Everything he did was HIGH RISK.
With help from Regulus Black, of all people, Dumbledore was able to defeat Voldemort for once and for all. Remus wasn’t there that night, he was fighting his own battle with the moon. But that didn’t matter because they finally defeated Voldemort. Harry, Lily, James, Peter, and Sirius were a live. That’s all that mattered to him. He received the Order of Merlin, the first werewolf to ever get the honor. But he didn’t care about that. All he cared about was the fact that his life was suddenly empty without the war. He had known school and war. What was he supposed to do?
Remus packed up the few things he had and started traveling around the globe. He did odd jobs to support himself. He explored Egypt and the States and South America and Asia. He spent a sun rise atop the summit of Mount Fuji. He learned some French from a pretty witch in Belgium. He slept under the stars in Montana. He visited every single magical library. He wandered around museums. But he felt like he didn’t get any true enjoyment from it. He felt like his heart was still in England. Specifically, his heart was still with Sirius Black in that little flat in Camden.
But he knew that after everything he couldn’t go back to Sirius. There was just too much there. He wasn’t sure if he could ever put his trust in Sirius again. He still moved back to London, though.
Remus managed to get a job at a Wizarding primary school in London, with a favor from Dumbledore (he was sure that Remus owed Dumbledore but he wasn’t going to complain about steady employment). He was going by the name John Howell since returning to England because he didn’t want to deal with any type of notoriety. One time he had introduced himself as Remus Lupin in Ireland and he was suddenly surrounded by witches and wizards asking all types of questions about the war and his bravery. Remus just wanted a normal life. Or as normal as he could get.
Remus was depressed. He wasn’t depressed that he was home. No, he was just always depressed. He had been depressed for a long while. There wasn’t anything that he looked forward to. Life was just a dull hum. It was hard getting through the days and it was just getting worse as Christmas approached. Everywhere, he was assaulted with images of happy people, Muggle and Wizarding alike. There was tinsel and fairy lights and trees and holly that reminded him of Christmases past in Hogwarts and the one sweet one afterwards.
One afternoon, everything slowly began to change for him. Another teacher, Dara O’Connor poked his head into Remus’ room after school had let out for winter break. He was wearing a garish jumper with reindeer, who’s noses blinked red, on it. Remus didn’t know how any of the kids paid attention to him all day. “Hey, Howell, what are you doing tonight?”
“Ah, nothing.” Remus said with a slight frown. He always had a slight frown these days.
“Want to celebrate the Christmas hols? I know you said you don’t have family around and my girlfriend’s mates are having party. They do it every year. It’s a big do, lost of food, alcohol, and music. I’m sure they’d love to have another guest.”
Remus, for no good reason other than he couldn’t bare another night completely alone, said, “Yeah, sure.”
“Excellent.” Dara stepped in to reach for the parchment and quill on Remus’ desk. “Meet me here at eight and then we’ll head over there together.”
Remus went back to his bedsit once he squared away his room for the term break. He changed into something more festive than his tweed jacket over an off white shirt. He chose a nice red and green jumper with a fair isle pattern. Figured that he should at least try to be in the Christmas spirit.
Once 7:30pm came around Remus headed over to Dara’s, where he made it promptly at 8pm. He had to take the Tube because he didn’t have a Floo connection. From there they apparated to a home that was surprisingly familiar to Remus. Too familiar. He felt like he was going to fall over. They were standing in Godric’s Hollow in front of the Potter’s cottage. It was possible they sold it after the war. Who was Remus kidding? He knew James and Lily would never leave there. It was their dream home.
“You okay, mate?”
“Ah, um, yeah.” Remus scrubbed a hand through his curls. “What’d you say your girlfriend's name was?”
“I don’t think I did. It’s Emmeline Vance.”
Remus’ heart skipped a beat at the name of an old acquaintance. Yes, he was definitely at the Potter Christmas bash. “Oh, ah, right.”
Dara gave him a funny look before they entered the chaos of the house. Kids were running around. Familiar faces were milling about. But he just passed, through, like a ghost. That was until they came into the kitchen/dinning area. There was Lily, James, Sirius, Harry, the Prewett siblings, Emmeline, Marlene, a very blonde child he didn’t know, and a few red headed children. They all, except the children, stopped what they were doing and looked up as if they were seeing a ghost.
“You lot know John?” Dara raised an eyebrow.
“JOHN? This is Remus bloody Lupin, mate!” Fabian yelled and flapped his arms around like a distressed, giant, ginger bird.
“What? Remus Lupin? No, this is John Howell.” Dara was very, very lost. “Remus Lupin disappeared after the war. How — oh my god you are a werewolf and… shite. Bloody hell, John—Remus. I… What the…”
“Our thoughts exactly.” James said, folding his arms. Remus couldn’t read how his old friend was feeling about the sudden reappearance.
Peter was gaping at him. Obviously, in shock.
Sirius, who had been staring for a few long moments, was now glaring at his drink. Clearly upset over the development.
Remus was too busy, looking around the room to realize that Lily was advancing on him, looking absolutely murderous. He didn’t anticipate the hard slap either. “You fucking bastard!” She shrieked and then slapped him again.
Remus raised his hand to his smarting cheek. He was sure that he deserved that from her. He left without a word to anyone. But he didn’t think they’d want it. He thought they all assumed he was a spy, like Sirius did. After the war, he was sure it was too late to patch things up.
“Ok, kids, let’s go out with the rest in the living room.” Molly said as she went to round up the sprogs.
“You left and didn’t tell any of us where you were going and you just show up here out of no where?” Gideon raised an eyebrow.
“I swear, I didn’t know I was coming here. I almost died when we apparated here of all places. Dara just invited me and didn’t tell me… I’m sorry, I’m going to go.”
“Go? You’re not going bloody anywhere.” Instead of slapping him once more, Lily wrapped her arms around him. For such a small woman, she was rather strong. “Bloody Order of Merlin for your bravery and you run off like a bunny. Some werewolf you are. Some Gryffindor, you are, Remus Lupin.”
“This is a hell of a Christmas gift, Dara.” Emmeline said with a little laugh. “Re, we all missed you so much.”
“Some of us more than others.” James said, giving Sirius a pointed look. At that Sirius got up and walked out of the kitchen. A few seconds later the front door slammed. “Shite, Moony, I can’t believe this.”
“You’re so skinny. You need to eat. What have you been eating these last four years? Not enough and living off of coffee and cigarettes I assume.” Lily finally let go of him to make him up a plate of food.
“I’m not hallucinating. You’re really standing here?” Pete touched his arm after moving so he was next to him. “Where have you been? What are you doing here?”
“Ah, after the war I just sort of was traveling around. I came back here in August and I’m teaching at a primary school.”
“I don’t know why you’re talking to us. You need to be out there talking to Padfoot.” James said sternly.
“I don’t think he wants to talk to me.”
“Mate, he hated himself for running you off. You know how he is about trusting people and back then things were… they were tough for all of us.”
Remus didn’t want to be having this conversation. He felt sick to his stomach. He also wanted to spit back something about himself not being able to trust anyone.
“Looney, Loopy, Lupin. If it’s not the man who broke my brother’s heart and stomped on it. Should I punch you? I feel like that’s a thing to do.”
Remus looked to his right to see Regulus grinning at him. This was all too weird. It was like he had stepped into an alternate reality. Whenever he thought about his old mates, he thought of them like they had been in the past. Not during the war, though. In his head, everyone was just as they were in Hogwarts. But here, they were all grown up with children and loved ones. Everyone’s life was moving forward but him. He was the same Remus Lupin, no he was worse than he had been.
“Regulus.”
“Haven’t seen you since we were both surrounded by those Death Eaters in Brighton. I don’t think I properly thanked you for saving my arse that night.”
“I was just doing my job.” Remus shrugged.
“Sure, sure. Not everyone receives an Order of Merlin for taking out six Death Eaters, including my dear cousin Bella.” Regulus waved his hand in a very Sirius manner. Remus felt a lump in his throat. “No need to boast about your life saving when you have your pretty pin. Do you wear it on you or is it hung up at home?”
Remus never got his Order of Merlin medal. He wondered where it was. Probably with Dumbledore.
“Here, eat.” Lily held up a plate.
“No.” James stood up and took the plate out of his wife’s hands. “He’s talking to Sirius first.”
Remus bit his lip and let out a long sigh. “I should go.”
“No. I swear to Godric, Remus Lupin, if you leave I will hex your bollocks right off.” Marlene already had her wand out. “Don’t think I won’t find where you live if you run out on talking to Sirius out there either.”
“Ok, I’ll stay.”
“Well, if you want to eat and regale us with tales of your travels, then you should march your arse out there and talk to Padfoot. You’re back in our lives, whether you come willing or not. And if you’re back in our lives, then you and Paddy need to be at least civil.” James said before taking a mince pie off of Remus’ plate and stuffing it in his mouth.
“Then after you can meet all of the children you missed.” Lily said with a smile.
“Did you have another one?”
“Yes, and you would have been the godfather, you daft bastard, but you ran off.”
Remus felt tears stinging his eyes, the immensity of all the things his missed seemed to hit him at once. All the years, all the milestones. They were all gone. Slipped out from his fingertips. Not that he was exactly reaching to grip them. There was a chance to salvage it all, if he could just let them back in. He wasn’t sure if he could, which made him want to cry more. So, he could cry in front of everyone or he could cry on the porch and possibly be punched by Sirius then cry in peace.
“Okay, okay, I’ll go out there.” He picked the least embarrassing choice.
“Brilliant. Off you go. None of us will speak to you if you don’t go out there and we really want to talk.” Pete gave him a little push.
Remus looked around the room again and everyone was smiling at him. They all seemed so much older than when he had last seen them all. But they were all happy. Maybe he could become a part of the group again. He hoped he could let himself do it.
He made his way back down the corridor to the front door, listening to the kitchen become filled with the same noise he heard when he first came in. No doubt they were all talking about his sudden reappearance. With a deep breathe, he opened to the door. Sirius was leaning against the railing on the first step of the porch, smoking a cigarette. He kept his back to Remus, not even glancing over his shoulder.
Not knowing what to say in the situation, Remus decided something he always said, even though he was highly hypocritical. But it always made Sirius laugh back then, when they would share fags. “Those will kill you, you know?” Remus’ voice sounded weird and wrong. It was like it didn’t belong to him.
“Just go away.” Sirius’ voice was full of tears. Remus didn’t need to look at him to know that he was crying. Even though they had been separated from each other for four years now, he had known Sirius for almost ten years before that.
“Marlene will hex my balls off if I go in without speaking to you and James and Lily won’t let me leave. So I have to at least talk to you. I know we didn’t end on good terms but I’d like to keep my bollocks.” Sirius used to be rather fond of the whole package.
“What are you even doing here?” Sirius still had his back to Remus but he also didn’t want to get any closer to the other man. He stayed close to the door.
“I told you, I didn’t realize that Dara was dating Em and I didn’t know we were going to a party here of all places. I would have gone about this all with more tact if I thought I was seeing you lot again.”
“You know, I thought maybe you died after the war. You didn’t go to the ceremony for the Order of Merlin and you never wrote anyone. Lily was beside herself. And I… I… I felt like…” Sirius sniffled then coughed. “It was all my fault. I thought maybe you killed yourself because of me. It was so hard after the war and you had no one and I… I just thought the worst.”
“You? Why would it have been your fault?” Remus’ voice trembled.
Sirius turned around and his lovely grey eyes were sad and bloodshot from crying. “You’re so bloody smart but you’re so daft sometimes. I pushed you out of all of our lives and you — you didn’t even try to fight for us. You didn’t yell at me or tell me I was an idiot. You just left at the first sign something was wrong. If you had pushed back, then maybe we would have worked things out. But you just packed up your things and left.”
“You shouldn’t have even accused me in the first place.” Remus snapped.
“I know. Don’t you understand that I know that? I was so paranoid back then and you never talked about what happened out there.”
“I couldn’t talk about it because it was confidential. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, I just knew I had to keep things close to the vest. I wish I told you everything so you wouldn’t have thought I was a spy but I didn’t and fucked things up. Then I fucked them up more by leaving. So your fault, is sort of my fault instead.” Remus furrowed his brow.
Sirius finally threw his cigarette down and stomped it out. “Why do you always have to twist everything to make it your bloody fault? Stop playing the damn martyr for once!” Sirius slammed his fist against the railing. There was the famous Black temper Remus didn’t miss. But oddly he did miss it.
“I’m sorry I left, okay? I’m so sorry but there wasn’t anything here for me. I wish I wrote the others to say I was ok. I’m sorry I worried you. I thought you stopped caring.”
“Fuck off, I never stopped caring about you. Four fucking years and I never once stopped caring about you.” Sirius pointed his finger at him. “Even when I thought you were working for Voldemort, I couldn’t stop caring about you. It was so hard.”
Remus’ heart sank. He thought that Sirius would have moved on by now. He hoped that he would have been happy without him. Not that he wanted Sirius with anyone else but he couldn’t stand the thought of him alone in the world.
Sirius wiped a hand over his face. “It was a shite time and you clearly moved on.”
Remus scoffed and Sirius looked at him, surprised. “Look, Sirius. I’m going to head out after I say some good byes to them. I know they mean well but it’s hard to be around them when the last time I was at an Order meeting, none of them would look me in the eye. I was a werewolf, the most logical choice—”
“We’re all a bunch of morons. You’re included in this.” Sirius let out a long breath.
Remus wasn’t sure what to say next but he was thankfully interrupted by the door opening. Molly poked her head out hesitantly, “I’m sorry, dears, but Draco is looking for his Padfoot and is rather upset.”
Remus felt the confused look crawl over his features. He remembered Lucius Malfoy having a son named Draco. He had wondered what happened to him after Narcissa was killed and Malfoy was sent away to Azkaban at the end of the war. Why was Draco here? That must have been the blond boy.
“I, ah, okay… don’t leave, Remus, they want you here.” Sirius looked back at him before going inside the house.
Remus felt his face fall even more because it didn’t sound like Sirius wanted him to stay.
Out of curiosity Remus followed Sirius into the sitting room, where the blond boy ran up to Sirius and wrapped his arms around his legs. “I thought you left.” Draco’s bottom lip did a wobble.
“Sorry, love, I’m not going anywhere. You know that.” Sirius bent down and hoisted him up on to his hip.
“Who are you?” Draco said after rubbing his eyes. He was looking right at Remus.
“Um, Remus.”
“Moony?” The boy looked surprised. “Pa talks about you a lot.”
He couldn’t believe this child knew he nickname. “Oh?”
“You’re a brave hero and you’re smart and played a lot of pranks. That’s what Pa and Prongs and Wormy say.”
“Pa?”
“Padfoot.” He giggled, hugging Sirius tighter. Well, that answered where the Malfoy boy was staying.
“Remus, you can come eat now.” James grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to the dinning room. He didn’t say a word until Remus was sat at the table between Lily and Marlene, who slid a plate of food in front of him. It was only the two woman and James and Peter in the room now. Everyone else must have moved to the other parts of the house. “So, how’d it go?”
“I honestly have no idea.” He was completely unclear of where he stood with Sirius. “We both apologized. I think.”
“That’s a good start.” Lily assured him.
“We’re all sorry too, you know?” Peter looked at him from across the table.
“We felt horrible when you disappeared.” James said quietly.
“I never doubted you for a minute.” Lily rubbed his back.
Remus smiled at her. He knew she was the only one to never doubt her. “I know Lils.”
“Do you forgive the rest of us?” Marlene asked.
Remus nodded. How could he not? He knew why they all had acted that way. He was a dark creature. He just wasn’t sure if he could ever really let them all close again. Trust was a different animal from forgiveness. “So, Sirius is raising a child?”
“Yes, he is. Rather sweet isn’t it?” Lily grinned. Remus forgot how much his missed that smile.
“After all that happened with the Malfoy’s, the boy was orphaned. Andromeda would have taken him but she was so sick at the time. Sirius said he’d do it. We thought that it’d be good for him too. He needed someone…” Marlene trailed off.
“Someone to look after.” Remus filled in. He knew that Sirius liked watching over him. He was always such a mother hen whenever Remus wasn’t feeling well.
“He needed someone to fill that void you left and he wasn’t in the market for looking for a boyfriend. Hasn’t had one in ages.”
“Sirius Black. Raising a child.” Remus said before taking a bite of turkey.
“Like you two never talked about raising children one day.”
“We were children.”
“So were we.” James said, pointing to Lily.
“What are you doing Christmas?” Lily asked, changing the subject. “I know you’re doing nothing. You’re coming here.”
It had been four years but he was still terrified to say no to Lily Evans Potter. “Um, all right.”
“It’s just going to be me, James, the kids, Sirius, and Draco. It’ll be nice.” Lily beamed at him. “I feel like this a dream.”
“I’m feeling the same way.”