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“It’s not a contest.”
“Of course it is,” Lucy said, “it always has been.”
“Then why-” Tim stopped mid sentence and shook his head, then sighed. “Even if I knew how much I mean to him, it doesn’t matter. It never mattered. It’s never been a contest, because he’s made his choice a long time ago and he’s been choosing you since.”
For some reason, Lucy didn’t understand why, but she averted her eyes. She looked around and only then noticed the bed next to Tim’s. There was a bag with HF letters and Hawk’s shirt. The bed looked like he slept here, in the hospital. She made herself look at Tim again.
“I met Hawk when I was 22. I have loved him,” Tim made a pause, watching Lucy’s reaction, “my whole life.”
That would make Tim 56 or 57, Lucy did the quick math, a couple of years younger than she is, but she didn’t say anything, so he continued.
“Unlike the most gay men of that time he’s never been ashamed of who he is,” now, the word gay said regarding her husband made Lucy flinch, “but he has spent his life terrified. That kind of fear makes you do horrible things to protect yourself.”
“And marrying me was one of those horrible things?” Lucy asked harshly.
“I didn’t say that,” Tim said softly, “as much as it pains me to admit, I think marrying you was actually one of the best things that happened to him.”
This is not what Lucy expected to hear. She nodded so he could continue.
“Even if I’m dying,” Tim looked at the flowers on his right, then back to her, “I’m surrounded by people who know and accept me, who love me for who I am. Hawk never let anyone get close to him, to know who he truly is. It’s quite a lonely life.”
Lucy smiled bitterly. Lonely is exactly how she felt most of the time.
“But having you, the family who loves him and who he loves back,” Tim said and Lucy saw tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, “I think it made his life better. He doesn’t have anyone but you.”
She could see it now. It wasn’t a contest because she had lost it before she said “yes” 30 years ago. Her husband never let anyone, including his family, know all the parts of himself. Anyone, except Tim. She came here to learn how much Tim meant to Hawk, and she got her answer.
He meant everything.