Work Text:
Yoshiki looked down at the knife. He didn't know how long it had been since he picked it up, hadn't even been aware that he had moved to pick it up until he held it in his hand. He only knew that he was drawn to it. That he needed to actually repent for his sin, and not take the easy way out that would reward him for what he did.
He had told the others to leave him alone. He knew they would. They respected him too much to go against his request. Though, he wondered how long it would take for his body to be found. For him to be buried - if he was even given such a luxury post demise.
Yoshiki knew he certainly didn't deserve it.
The others probably thought so as well.
If it wasn't for him being a coward, Ayumi would still be alive and kicking. Graduating, studying, having a high-paying job, having a family.
He lifted the knife to his neck. He wouldn't run from his responsibilities any more. The sharp edge of the blade sat against his skin.
But...
Wasn't joining Ayumi in death, even if it wasn't in that cursed world, just another way of running?
He had sworn to live for her. An almost insulting vow to make up for the fact that he left her to die in that cursed place. A vow to make up for something one could never make up. But it was a vow he made, with the full intention of fulfilling it.
Yoshiki lowered the blade. Set it back down on the kitchen counter.
No, he would not kill himself. He might not deserve to live, but she did. And if she could not live her life, then Yoshiki would do it for her.
Ayumi had been the class president. Her grades had been the highest in the class, no matter what. Everyone had known that she would be able to go to any university of her choosing once she graduated. The perfect role model of a student.
Yoshiki was quite the opposite.
Ayumi wouldn't be able to live through him if the best job he managed to get was as an overworked and underpaid cashier of a shady corner store.
He showed up to school the next day. Naomi eyed him with suspicion, but Satoshi welcomed him with a relieved sigh and a smile. They both clearly thought that something would have happened to him in the half day they were apart.
Yoshiki couldn't fault them for it. So much had happened in the short hours they were in the cursed world, after all. And the knife still laid on the kitchen counter, drawing him in, towards the coward's way out of his vow, of his guilt.
But Yoshiki was not a coward, and he had not proven himself worthy just yet.
He would, eventually.
Failure was not an option.
Success was a question of time and dedication.
Dedication was his lifeblood now.
Getting his attendance up was simple. His grades were a different matter. But he gave it his all. While he would never be able to join the best of the best, prestigious universities forever out of his reach due to his record, he would build a life Ayumi would have accepted - even if she wouldn't have been proud of it.
Satoshi had helped a lot in that regard. The other boy had taken the time to help him catch up with the subjects that had been especially hard for Yoshiki to grasp. Invited Yoshiki to his house so they could study together for hours. It was more than Yoshiki had studied in his whole life, but the effectiveness of their sessions couldn't be denied.
Those days usually ended with Satoshi leading him out of the house, standing outside with Yoshiki for a miniscule amount of privacy as they said their goodbyes. A proud smile on his face that softened his features in a way Yoshiki had never seen directed at him.
It was during one of those goodbyes that realization hit Yoshiki. Rain covered the streets in a soft fog, with Satoshi insisting that he borrow one of his umbrellas, practically shoving it into Yoshiki's hand. The dry space beneath the umbrella they shared suddenly seemed very intimate to Yoshiki. Satoshi was close, far closer than he usually was. A little flushed from his attempts of forcing Yoshiki to accept the umbrella. A few droplets of water sliding down his cheeks.
Ayumi's perfect life would have included loving Satoshi. In any way he would allow, and now...
With his free hand, Yoshiki cupped one of Satoshi's cheeks, his thumb rubbed away the drops there. He leaned down. Pressed his lips against Satoshi's ever so softly. A kiss that Satoshi returned.
Loving Satoshi came easy to him. Probably because Yoshiki had loved him for a long time, even if it was a different kind of love back then. It also helped that Satoshi was a very loveable person.
All that did nothing to evaporate the nervousness he felt before their official first date.
Satoshi insisted on being the one who would pick Yoshiki up. To make up for all the times Yoshiki had walked him home. Despite that having happened under different circumstances. Yoshiki hadn't really wanted to argue about it, not when Satoshi voiced what he wanted. After all, it was a rather rare occurrence.
So Yoshiki stood in front of his mirror, content with his outfit. It was nothing special, but Satoshi told him to dress casually. He dug his sock covered toes into the hardwood floor. He resisted the urge to put on the green pair of shoes he had bought shortly after the returned. Similar in colour and model to those blessed shoes that had disappeared as they walked from one world to the other. He had only worn them in his apartment so far, but he could really do with the feeling of safety they provided right about now.
He was shaken from his thoughts when a knock sounded at the door. He quickly opened the door to Satoshi's smiling face.
"Hi."
Yoshiki smiled back. "Hey." His eyes drifted over Satoshi's form, heartbeat loud in his ears over seeing Satoshi in a hoodie and jeans. His eyes came to a stop on Satoshi's shoes.
Green.
Satoshi followed his gaze. "I... just felt like I needed them today." He shifted. "It's not too weird, is it?"
Yoshiki shook his head. "Not at all." He pulled out the box of his own green shoes and put them on.
All in all, Yoshiki considered that he was doing pretty good on his vow.
They were near graduation. His attendance was practically perfect, his grades were as good as they could possibly be, and he had received acceptance letters to some of the universities he had applied to.
And he had Satoshi at his side.
While they didn't make a huge deal out of their relationship during school, leaving most of the PDA for after school dates, there was a constant barrage of jealous glares being pointed towards Yoshiki from girls. One of them was Naomi, even if she was nowhere near as bad as some of the others. Ayumi would have been proud.
Though, there was something that she probably wouldn't have experienced.
And that was Satoshi making fun of their small height difference.
Telling Yoshiki to get him things from a shelf he himself was "too short to reach". Making himself smaller as he hugged Yoshiki's arm to his chest in that overly cutesy anime girl way. Calling Yoshiki a "big, strong man".
All things that both amused Yoshiki and had a certain effect on a certain part of his body. Not that he would tell Satoshi that.
And then there was the Maid Dress Incident.
Satoshi had dressed in a maid dress for a school festival, and half the male student body suddenly decided to have eyes. Satoshi looked cute, absolutely beautiful, in the dress. Yoshiki wished that he could just sit there and look at him the whole day. As it was, he was too busy defending his boyfriend. Some guys were quick to run off once they learned that Satoshi was indeed a guy, others only left after excessive glaring and near silent threats by Yoshiki. If he didn't live for Ayumi, he would have beat them all into a bloody mess.
As it was, he wouldn't risk his future like that.
Instead, he called Satoshi over more than necessary. Sometimes to pull him into a few kisses, other times just to get him away from a guy clearly intent on feeling him up. It was hilarious to see them shiver in fear once Naomi caught on and went full ice queen on them. Her coldness a calming reassurance that she had truly left that burning heat of that cursed world behind.
Satoshi just seemed amused by the whole thing, but kissed him back anyway.
It was as he was looking up at the ceiling of their room after having had sex with Satoshi for the first time, that Yoshiki realized that he may not be living as much for Ayumi as he thought he did.
They had wanted to wait until they both graduated, and could live under one roof comfortably, to take such a step. Mostly due to the lack of privacy both at Satoshi's house and Yoshiki's old ratty apartment. Both of them now in college, mini jobs that paid enough to pay the bills and leave a little extra.
The chill air of the night felt even colder against Yoshiki's sweaty skin. He wanted to get up and clean himself. Both of the stickiness, and how he had broken his vow to Ayumi. Ayumi probably never would have loved Satoshi in the way he did. But Satoshi had welcomed him inside his body as easily and warmly as he had welcomed Yoshiki in his life when they first met. And Yoshiki had long since learned that he couldn't reject Satoshi when he clearly voiced what he wanted.
Even now, Yoshiki didn't dare move out from where Satoshi's sleeping form was draped over him. Their legs intertwined. Satoshi's face was still flushed, yet relaxed with satisfaction.
But...
Maybe that was alright.
He could never be Ayumi.
He could never undo what he did that day.
But he could live.
Not necessary for her or in her stead as he had intended, but for himself, for Satoshi, for the life they were slowly but surely building.
He felt something settle within him. A pressure that he hadn't truly felt the weight of until was gone. It felt like he could properly breathe for the first time in years. Like he finally found peace.
Life went on.
Life took many shapes.
Like Yoshiki cutting and bleaching his hair.
Like Satoshi growing his hair out until it reached his chin.
Like them graduating from university.
Like Satoshi getting into knitting, and knitting everything under the sun until they eventually had to start selling some of it to be able to move through their apartment.
Like marrying in everything but actual law.
Like Satoshi making him a pair of green socks to wear beneath his dress shoes to job interviews, he would ace.
Life still had many undiscovered shapes, but they would get those eventually.
Together.