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For what it's worth, Carlitos has always considered himself a self-aware man. He was spoiled, he knows that very well. But awareness doesn’t mean he feels guilt for being that way, or that he thinks he should fight the feelings arising from that spoiledness, or that he wants to act more generous. When he feels like he’s denied something he wants, he can’t help the hurt, anger and frustration it stirs in his heart. He tries not to show it though, of course, depending on the company he’s with - and the rugby team is definitely a group where he doesn’t want to get labeled as a whiny, annoying, entitled pipsqueak. But boy, does fate try him sometimes!
Take today, for example.
He woke up to the first rays of sunshine after a rough night in the fuselage already in a bad mood. Then, in one of his insufferable rage fits, Roberto tore up part of his work on the sleeping bag, and he knew he had to go and repair the damage. To add insult to injury, even though Nando spent the better part of the week arguing with Roberto, he still slept next to him every night when darkness fell. This, Carlitos realizes, is the thing that ruins his nights and makes his grudge against Roberto grow. He can only ever sleep well with Nando nowadays. There’s so much warmth and a sense of safety radiating from him that Carlitos could swear they are all fighting to sleep beside him.
And yet, he keeps choosing Roberto.
In Carlitos’ mind, it doesn’t make much sense. Roberto can be an utter nightmare, and he’s a taker, not a giver, unlike some of the others who'd be much more capable of returning some of what Nando would give them. Carlitos himself has learned during these long, terrible days, how to hold his friends up with whatever he can offer - be that his jokes or a moment of positivity. Roberto, on the other hand, is a walking cloud of negative energy. He grumbles and complains, doesn’t share a single hopeful thought and is the most belligerent of them all. How does he carry on like that? Is he driven forward out of spite only?
Carlitos can’t fathom it. But he'd let the issue go if it wasn't for the fact that tonight, after yet another difficult day, Nando seems to be settling down next to Roberto again. On his other side, Numa tries to recover, and Carlitos can’t be jealous of him for that. He's sure they'd all agree that at this point, Numa is the one who needs warmth the most. But he can be jealous of Roberto, and the feeling spreads in him like a flood of black tar.
He can barely keep himself from saying something snide.
The sun is setting with tired, pale blinks of light that sneak in through the windows of the fuselage. Most of them are already sheltered inside, huddling together, bracing themselves for the ambush of cold they know to be coming. It’s dim and quiet in the small space. They're all tired, and there's nothing much to say. Rational thinking and inhibitions are slipping out of their grasps. Perception seems warped during these long hours, and their minds aren't as alert as they would be in normal circumstances, so Carlitos isn’t surprised that no one has caught onto the fact yet that he’s glaring daggers at Roberto across from him. The man himself is completely oblivious. He's brooding as per usual, a deep frown digging wrinkles between his eyebrows, and his mouth is a thin, downturned line.
“Come closer, Roberto.” Carlitos hears Nando whisper as he nudges Roberto with his shoulder.
Roberto gives him a look that would send a lesser man scrambling to the other end of the plane. “You come closer.”
It's childish. Carlitos hates that he knows he’d probably come up with the same brilliant rebuttal if he was ever caught up in the sour mood that appears to be Roberto's default.
Nando takes a deep breath. It leaves his chest in a long sigh. “I'm not taking back what I said.”
Roberto sniffs. He hides his hands in the crook of his armpits to keep them warm, and he stares at his stretched-out legs under the heap of clothes covering them. “You can’t leave without me.”
“Yes, I can.” Nando says, sounding oddly tired for his usual determined self. "And I will, if you’re not prepared."
For a few minutes, nothing happens. Roberto sulks, while Nando watches him with a soft look in his eyes. Carlitos doesn’t know what that look means or what they said to each other that pissed Roberto off so much, but he gets a weird, bitter taste of déjà vu in his mouth. It’s like watching his parents fight.
“You wouldn't.” Roberto says eventually, his frown smoothing out to leave sad shadows in its place. He doesn’t think their expedition to the west will succeed. But he has to do it for them all - Carlitos wishes he could take his place, but Roberto is stronger. He has to hope and trust that they will walk for him.
Laughter breaks out in the other end of their shelter. Some of the guys started one last game of cards before darkness falls, and it seems to have taken their minds off their misery for a moment. The sound of their fleeting joy muffles what Nando says next. Carlitos can’t quite catch it, but he sees Roberto’s head turn and his and Nando's eyes lock. Carlitos’ jealousy rises like a tide.
“Come closer.” Nando repeats, his green eyes bright even in the fading light. He raises his arm a little, and given Roberto's small size, Carlitos almost expects him to burrow under it, but he doesn’t. He just scoots closer, curls his own arms around Nando's and lays his head on Nando's shoulder.
Perhaps thinking that no one sees it in the falling night or just not caring at all, Nando reaches up with the opposite hand to hold Roberto’s. It might be a trick of the light but Carlitos thinks he even sees his thumb moving, back and forth over the back of Roberto's hand until Roberto traps it with his thin fingers. As if stirred by the touch, a wave of serenity puts a smile on Nando's face. He closes his eyes.
“I won't let you leave without me.” Roberto grumbles, to have the last word, no doubt. His nature won't let him have it any other way. When Nando just continues smiling in silence, Roberto raises his head to look up at him. Nando doesn’t open his eyes, but something about his relaxed expression makes Roberto smile too.
It hits Carlitos with a jolt of electricity that he’s watching something not meant for him, something that he shouldn't see and shouldn't ever imagine existing. He doesn’t know exactly what it is, but it's beyond what he could give, he's sure. His jealousy evaporates - he may want Nando to comfort him and bring him the sweet gift of dreamless sleep, but that connection he can’t replicate. He gets it now. As long as that spark behind those smiles is there, Nando will always choose Roberto. Always.
It's not a good thing to be jealous of. The fear of losing that in addition to the fear of loss they all carry is not something Carlitos would wish on any of his friends, let alone himself. Roberto's place doesn’t sound like such an attractive position anymore.
Troubled, Carlitos is about to turn away and burrow tighter against Roy when Roberto lays his head back on Nando's shoulder and turns his attention outside their bubble for the first time since he sat down there. To Carlitos’ rotten luck, he catches him staring before he could avert his gaze. Roberto's smile wanes, replaced by a darkening look that seems to dare Carlitos to say something, to dare call him out. The heat of a weak flush stings Carlitos’ cheeks in embarrassment. He glances at Nando's smile, then around the plane, then at his own hands before returning his gaze to Roberto's. The silence is an awkward pressure. He has to break it.
“The sleeping bag is almost ready.” He says, for lack of a better idea. His voice is all raspy. He clears his throat. When he looks down, then up again, Roberto's on-edge expression relaxes.
He offers a small smile back. “Thank you.”
Carlitos nods and pretends to go to sleep just to avoid having to cut himself out of the situation with even more awkward talk. The next time he opens his eyes, it's to the moon's glow. The gentle sounds of sleep rumble in their temporary home. In the silver light, he sees that Roberto's fingers still hold on to Nando's.