Archive of Our Own

Deity

Erwin Smith pushed the notebooks even tighter to his chest as he started to hurry down the street. He had stayed up late, working on some theories and studying the maps in the library. Eventually he had fallen asleep on top of the books and his notebooks. 

Luckily he was already in his uniform, so at least he could make it in time to the Survey Corps office in Mitras before the morning call. 

He knew his commander wouldn’t be happy that he had snuck out of the barracks. It was only a few weeks ago that he had graduated into the Survey Corps.

It gave him all the time to study though, given that his friend Nile had gone to the military police and didn’t have time to drink with him anymore. Erwin could have joined the MPs too, he had graduated high enough to be chosen for the military police. He didn’t want it though. Instead he wanted to join the Survey Corps to look for the truth that he had always felt was out there.

Those maps he had looked at all night though, they told him nothing. In the end it was the same map that they always go to study and had nothing different from the other maps.

Another night wasted. At least he had worked out some calculations of how far it was to the furthest wall through his notebook.

Something about the walls didn’t make sense to him. He just wished that his father could tell him more. He couldn’t though, he had been murdered years ago for having the same suspicions that Erwin had now. All he had done was plant these questions in his brain that had haunted Erwin since. 

The night he had spent in the Mitras library he could have spent in the pub that he was just walking by.

Stopping by the pub, looking in through the window he wanted to see if Marie was cleaning the bar.

He had wanted to see her last night. Maybe he would‘ve finally dared to ask her out. Probably not. Nile was so much better at those things than he was. If only he was courageous enough to ask the barmaid that had been so kind to them all throughout their Training Corps years.

Nile would probably ask her first. It didn’t matter though, even if he had asked her out before Nile did he was sure that she would pick Nile. He was more handsome and had a much better career. Why would she want a man like him, who spends his nights studying maps for no good reason? 

Erwin saw his own reflection in the glass from the window. His nose was long, big - even for his long face. His bushy eyebrows that he never managed to tame. 

There was no doubt that she would pick Nile.

Yet, when he thought about her he felt butterflies in his stomach, thinking about the nights they had spent in the tavern during his training corps years. When she would feed them and even sneak them some beer, even when he was only 15.

He was so lost in thought he hadn’t seen she was indeed behind the bar and spotted him. She flashed him a smile and waved at him. Looking at her bouncing curls and radiant smile, he couldn’t stop looking at her.

One of the small notebooks he bought yesterday, brand new, slipped from his arms as he smiled at Marie, giving her a nervous smile and a wave as well.

Before his face would turn any more red and he embarrassed himself even more, he continued on his way. He looked back to see if he saw the notebook that had just slipped from his arms.

Looking down the street he couldn’t see it. Taking a step back, but not far enough that Marie would see him again he spotted one of the large grates used for letting air into the underground.

Peeking down it for a second there was just darkness. He was well aware he would never see that notebook again.

The work all night had been for nothing.

Levi held the wall beside him, clutching the brick with his fingers as he pulled himself up with a loud groan. Doing a quick inventory, he decided he was as fine as he could be. His nose was at least fine this time, he could see straight and his legs could carry his weight. 

He had gotten off worse losing fights.  

Kenny still would have scolded him, telling him he was stupid for losing the fight. Would maybe even give him another beating. 

As if Levi had planned to get hit in his face and kicked to the ground by three men much bigger than him. 

He did deserve it though - he was well aware. 

He had tried to swindle them with fake booze after all. Somehow, he had figured they would believe an eleven year old boy. Fuck - he felt stupid sometimes without Kenny. It was a few months now since Kenny had left him and Levi felt so lost sometimes. He had learned violence. He had learned to fight and how to survive and he had learned Kenny’s tricks.

But at the end of the day he was still only an eleven year old boy and a small one at that.

Leaning against the wall, he felt with his fingers over his face. His lip hurt and he felt the warm blood streaming from it. Probably the guy that had planted his knee in Levi’s face. His brow bone throbbed angrily as well and he had no doubt that it would bruise again.

Stumbling through the streets, it was nearly curfew and he wasn’t sure if he could make it to the empty warehouse he had slept in the last few weeks. Nights out on the street were dangerous in the Underground. Even for him, even when he carried his knife and Kenny had taught him how to fight. He was bruised and sore enough that he probably wouldn't be able to fight back anyway. 

Besides, even though he was good at avoiding the MP’s enforcing the curfew, he didn’t want to tempt fate even more today. 

He wasn’t walking fast either, his stomach grumbled and he couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten.

Looking back into the street, he saw the lights of a familiar pub.

Doubting if he should go inside, knowing the kindness he would be met with, he wasn’t sure if he even deserved that kindness after all he had done to the people running the bar and just as much after what he had done today.

Karolina and Péter, the couple that ran the pub, had been so kind to him in the past.

But it always felt horrible to accept their help and pity. Kenny said he shouldn’t need help and he felt like a failure. He was, that’s probably why Kenny had left him. 

Hearing the military police and their ODM gear in the distance, he did finally decide to go to the bar. Curfew was near and the last thing he wanted was to be arrested. Opening the door and sneaking in, Karolina was standing behind the bar, turned away from him.

‘We are closing! Curfew is starting soon,’ She told him without looking back.

He didn’t reply, instead only took a few steps. The steps were light, almost inaudible and Karolina recognized them straight away.

‘Oh Levi, sit down!’ Karoline told him as he climbed on one of the bar chairs. Pulling himself up on the bar to slide on the bar seat, he felt even smaller than he was.

He didn’t look up at the woman behind the bar.

His head throbbed and he knew Karolina would bitch at him for getting into another fight again.

Didn’t get the chance to look away for long as she raised his head gently, pressing a wet cloth against his lip. Wincing as she did so, he closed his eyes.

‘I told you not to get into any more fights Levi! Those are your adult teeth, not your baby teeth!’ Karoline said as she inspected his teeth after wiping away the blood on his lip.

‘Hold it – I am going to close down the bar,’ Karoline told him as she put his hand over the cloth.

‘Should I leave? I can sneak around the military police’ Levi wanted to get up. The last thing he wanted was to be a bother to them. The only two people he did respect in the Underground. 

‘No, sit down you!’ She told him, stern.

Pressing the wet towel against his lip, it did give some relief. They got him good this time. Didn’t have time to reach for his knife. Wouldn’t have helped with the knee he caught with his face either way. Karoline had locked up the pub and walked back to the bar.

Levi looked up at her, trying to look as angry as he always did. It kept people away from him, kept him safe.

But Karolina only just saw a very sad, hurt boy.

In the end, every young boy in the Underground was still just that – a young boy. Her sons had looked at her the exact same way when he had left for the surface for his military training when he was twelve.

She had never heard from him again.

As angry as Levi tried to look, she saw the sadness in his gray eyes.

‘Oh…Levi….’ Karolina sighed as she looked at his bruised face and dirty clothes.

‘I deserved this,’

‘I am sure you did, given that you always get up to stupid shit. Still, they got you good,’ Karolina told him, but with compassion. Taking the cloth from him, she turned around to grab him some water.

‘Tell me what happened?’

She knew that he wouldn’t tell her. He was a kid of few words.

‘Are you hungry?’

He’d never answer that either, he was too proud to answer that.

His bottom lip quivered for a second though and she walked to the kitchen. Grabbing some of the scraps and leftovers onto a plate, she even grabbed some of the bread that she had put aside for herself and her husband for tonight and the morning. Anything she could pile on for the small boy sitting at her bar, she did. Letting Péter know Levi was here as he was cleaning the dishes, she walked back into the pub. 

‘It ain’t much, but eat up,’ she put the plate in front of him. Grabbing one of the big mugs they’d pour the beer in, she filled it with water and put it in front of him as well.

Levi politely nodded at her.

Within seconds that politeness was gone and it broke her heart. Where he had been so quiet and even polite before, an almost feral grunt came out of his mouth as he grabbed the bread and dragged it through the butter, stuffing it in his mouth. Even with the plate in front of him he looked worried and over his shoulder, scared that someone would take it from him. They were the only two people in the locked bar and it was hard to see he was scared it would be taken from him. 

‘Levi, calm down – you will choke!’ she warned him but he didn’t listen, instead grabbing some of the cooked vegetables and scarfing them down.

Sometimes he’d dig in and push everything into his mouth with such speed she worried one day he would bite into his own fingers and chew them up.

Levi probably hadn’t eaten in days again, she was well aware. He didn't take kindly to accepting help and only came when things were really dire. 

The cutlery beside his plate went unused. Levi didn’t want to waste a second, stuffing his first food in days in his mouth.

His mother would have berated him. She had been so gracious.

He was so hungry – he was just too hungry to even think about his manners now. Just like Kenny, she would have been so disappointed in him if she had been alive. No wonder Kenny had left him.

Cleaning the plate completely, Karolina refilled his mug of water he had chugged down as well.

‘Come on, let me see if I can find something sweet for you,’ Karolina took the plate from him. Levi blushed for a second, embarrassed by her kindness and his own manners - but grateful.

As much as it hurt his pride to go here, he was well aware that if he didn’t he might starve the next few days. The older couple was always kind to him. Péter was probably in the kitchen as he usually was, preparing meals for the hungry patrons with whatever they could buy and get tomorrow.

‘Here, some leftover apple pie. It may be a little stale,’ she warned him as she put it in front of him. Levi didn’t care though. He’d eat anything right now. 

‘Use a fork, okay?’ she told him as she handed it to him.

Levi shrugged.

‘One day you will get out of here and you need to know how to behave. You’re like a feral cat!’ She told him with a chuckle as she had told him many times before.

Levi finally took the fork and dug into the slice of pie. She saw a small smile as he enjoyed the treat and she caressed over his head, through the dark bangs.

Levi was only one of the many kids that wandered the underground. She had seen him come in here at first with a tall, somewhat scary man with a long coat and a hat. He’d sit in the corner for hours while the older man had drunk pint after pint. Karolina had asked him if the man was his father the last time he was here a few weeks ago. Levi had only shrugged.

A few months ago Levi had barged in here with a knife, trying to rob them. Her husband had only laughed as the small boy was so short he hadn’t even been able to look at them over the high bar.

Instead, they had given him some food and let him go. There was no use getting the military police. Levi had already lost everything in life.

He was 11, he had told her. But he looked so much smaller. His feet were dangling far above the foot support of the bar seat.

Levi had visited them a few times since.

He barely spoke, always averting his eyes and hiding them behind his bangs. Karolina walked around the bar and sat beside him. Looking a little worried at the bruising in his face, she smiled for just a second as he stuffed his round chubby cheeks with the cake. Just like her son had done when he was younger. He recently would have turned twenty, if he was even still alive.

‘Is it still good?’ she wondered as it was a little older. It was stale enough they hadn’t dared to sell it today. It had a lot of butter and sugar though, as well as the fruit and knew those were things Levi’s body desperately needed. 

She had wondered before if he was so small because he had been starving for most of his life probably. The fact he had never been in the sun couldn't help either. 

Levi finally looked up at her, his eyes sparkling and his cheeks still full. Nodding happily, he took another bite. Even when he must have been so hungry, his face was so round, so youthful and Karolina thought he was adorable. She couldn’t believe his parents would have ever willingly left him.

Putting the fork down after scraping even the last crumbs from the plate, Levi brought the plate up to lick the last remains off.

Karoline wanted to tell him to stop.

But she knew how he starved most days, so instead she let him off the hook, only taking the plate from him a few seconds later.

‘You can’t do that if you ever go to the surface, Levi,’ she chuckled as she took the plate from him. Her hand on his back for a second, he felt his cheeks burn. He felt so content and happy after all the food. The gentle touches of Karolina reminded him of his mother.

‘Won’t ever get there,’ Levi mumbled as he took a few more sips of the water. He had to use both hands to bring the big and heavy stone mug to his mouth.

Kenny had let him drink beer a few times here as well when they had gone together. He hadn’t liked it. Kenny said it would fatten him up though. It had made his mind go woozy and Péter had told him to knock it off.

‘Do you want some more fruit? Anything else?’ Karolina offered but Levi shook his head. She knew she was pushing how much help Levi would accept. 

‘What’s that?’ Karolina wondered as she saw something in the ratty messenger bag he carried around with him.

‘I found it today! It was in the street near one of the sunholes! Must have fallen down all the way from the surface!’ Levi said with excitement she adored as he took it from his bag, handing over the notebook to her.

It was a nice notebook, the cover made of leather and the paper thick, high quality.

‘Can you tell me what it says?’ Levi finally asked, very unsure and looking away as he felt embarrassed having to ask her. He couldn’t read. Kenny had told him there was no use for him to learn it and his mother had died before she could teach him.

‘These are all just calculations,’ she told him as Levi hovered over the book with big eyes.

‘What is that?’ Levi wondered as he pointed at the first page that had two words.

‘Erwin Smith – just the name of the person who owned this book probably,’ she said as she handed it back to him.

‘Erwin?’ Levi wondered as he looked at the first page that had the name in neat, curly lettering.

‘E-R-W-I-N,’ she smiled at him as she pointed out the letters. Levi just looked at the scribbles, hoping they would make sense.

He had no doubt that as long as he remained in the Underground, he would never learn how to read. Kenny had never learned him, it had no use after all. Not when he had to fight every day to survive.

‘If you want to learn how to read you can stay here in the attic if you want. If you help us out in the kitchen and behind the bar we can help you learn how to read,’ Karolina offered him, hoping to get the young, sweet boy off the streets.

Levi just shook his head.

She got too close to him again.

‘Just know the offer will always be there. If you help us in the kitchen you are welcome to stay,’

Levi didn’t respond, instead he looked at the notebook she was still holding.

‘There are plenty of empty pages, Levi. You could easily sell it at the market for a lot of coins,’ she said as she handed it back to him. Paper was a scarcity here in the underground and the notebook being mostly empty was enough to rack up a good price.

‘If you keep it, can I sleep in the attic tonight – just for tonight?’ Levi asked as he wanted to hand the book back.

‘You can sleep there tonight Levi, just sell this and use the coins wisely,’ she warmly smiled as she pushed it back against his chest. Putting it back in the small bag he carried, he let himself slide off the bar chair.

‘Thank you, Karolina,’ Levi finally thanked her for all her kindness, he looked nervous as he said it. He jumped from one foot onto the other and he still felt guilty that he had come in here. It was a safe night for him and he was so grateful for the full stomach he would go to sleep with.

But even now, he felt guilty that he had accepted their help. He could sneak out and go back to the warehouse. He had avoided the military police often and gotten pretty good at it.

‘Levi, wait a second!’ Karolina told him as he wanted to run up to the attic he had stayed in a few times before. It was warm and safe compared to the streets where he usually slept.

‘Come on, give me your clothes. I am washing the towels from the kitchen anyway,’ she offered him. He doubted for a second but finally stripped to his underwear. 

‘Those are no good anymore, I am sure mine would fit you,’ Karoline said as she saw the socks were full of holes. She’d grab some of hers. They would still be too big on him but were better than these tattered socks. 

Levi was so skinny and she felt her heart break as she saw all the bruises. 

‘I will grab you something, okay?’ She told him as she took his clothes to wash them. 

She disappeared into the small living quarters above the bar. Levi waited, impatient as he really wanted to get out of sight into the safety of the attic he had grown to feel so safe in. Karolina came back about a minute later. Carrying a large green woolen sweater, she pulled it over his head and guided his arms through.

‘Here, Péter never wears it anymore - you can have it,’ she smiled at him.

Levi almost drowned into the sweater, the sleeves longer than his arms and the bottom of the sweater almost reaching his knees. She put some of her socks on his feet as well and even though they were big on him, Levi looked glad to be warm. 

It would keep him warm and that was all that mattered. Even when she had put some blankets in the attic the last time he had slept here.

She always allowed him to sleep there. He would just eventually leave and not show up for weeks. Usually he came back when he had gotten beat up and he was starving. She had told him many times she would try to feed him any day he came by but he never did.

‘Come on, you go to sleep and you can take a bath before you leave tomorrow,’ she promised him.

The promise of the bath was enough for Levi to fling him at her, wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging her. Her heart melted as he laid his head against her stomach,

‘Thank you, Karolina!’ he gave her one of his rare smiles. Hugging her for another second before he hurried up the stairs, she heard him lug around some of the bags of grains to make a nice bed for himself.

She’d let him sleep here every night.

If only he would allow her too.

Levi laid on some of the burlap sacks that were in the attic. Curling up into the sweater and under the blanket that he had neatly folded and put away last time, he put the candle he had taken up with him closer.

Taking the book from his bag again, he looked at the first page.

His fingers trailer the carbon on the page, the little loops and scribbles.

E-R-W-I-N.

Erwin Smith.

It sounded like such a regal name, befitting of a royal.

Levi didn’t even have a last name, not as far he knew. With Kenny having left him and the last ties to his mother gone, he was sure he would never find out.

Laying back on the burlap sacks with his eyes closed, he fantasized about the life that Erwin smith must be leading. Maybe he was a kid as well, his age? Maybe he was a royal. Maybe he had fancy wood toys like he had heard about the kids having on the surface.

Maybe he got to eat meat every night.

Maybe he even got to eat pie every night!

Levi fantasized about it, the plates full of food. Tiers of cake, bigger than himself and his mind kept making up more things he only knew from drawings and stories.

Holding the book, he also fantasized about all the things he would get with the coins when he sold the book tomorrow. The book had no further use for him as he couldn’t read it anyway. Only the first two pages were filled with scribbles he didn’t understand.

For a second, he thought of tearing the pages that had been used out, selling it off like it was a completely empty book.

He worried about damaging the book though. It would be worth less if he did.

His finger traced the letters he understood slightly now on his leg. Erwin, over and over again.

Was he old like Kenny? Maybe he was Levi’s age. 

The name was so special to him. Even though he couldn’t explain why, all he could think about was his name. It gave a warm, fuzzy feeling in his stomach every time he thought about it. Whispering his name again, it almost felt warm on his lips. 

He couldn’t imagine what the life of Erwin Smith would look like. Living on the surface it was so different from his own.

Levi had heard so much about it but he didn’t even dare to think about the fact that he might one day live above the surface. He hoped he would, but given his history and everything that he had gone through here in the Underground, he didn’t dare to hope too much. At this point he had to be grateful for each year he survived.

Every day was just survival now and he hoped that one day his survival would be an actual life. That maybe one day he would find a place he belonged or somebody to love him.

Somebody that didn’t leave him, like his mother and Kenny had.

He knew he was welcome here and what Karolina had offered him sounded appealing. But he wasn’t sure he could accept it.

He knew that even if he did, he would just run away again eventually because he couldn't accept their care and love. Not when he had lost everybody he had cared about before. 

Did Erwin Smith go to the church like Kenny had once told him about when he was taking the piss about living on the surface? 

Levi had wondered what a god was and Kenny had just laughed, telling him Levi shouldnt concern himself with any deity. 

Kenny had told him that anybody who believed in a higher power was a fucking idiot. But Erwin, somebody who could carry an empty notebook around like this and just lose it had to be some kind of god. There was no other way.

His name made Levi feel so fuzzy and happy inside. 

It was his one way of getting a life here. Sure, the coins would run out but it was much more than he had had yesterday

It was the most valuable thing he had besides the fabric from his mother’s dress Kenny had found him in. He couldn’t believe he had just found it in the street. Erwin Smith had no clue about his existence and had changed his life forever. 

Kicking his feet in excitement, he pressed it even closer to his chest, so excited to take it to the market tomorrow. He could buy some actual food, he wouldn’t have to come here and Karolina wouldn’t have to take pity on him. Maybe he would even be able to get some new clothes.

Curling up around the book and pressing it against his chest once more, Levi knew damn well that this was his treasure now – and Erwin Smith was the deity that had gifted it to him.

The next morning, Levi laid in the tub for almost half an hour. For the first time in a long time, he felt actually clean. His mother had been so careful about cleanliness and taught him so many times to clean himself and how to be proper.

Karolina had washed his jeans and the shirt he had come in with last night. She had put the clean clothes in the bathroom for him, fresh and even still slightly warm from having dried by the fire. Walking from the bathroom, he wanted to give back the sweater. Walking to the kitchen, he greeted them and handed it back to Karolina.

‘You can keep this,’ Karolina smiled at him.

Holding the woolen sweater he had worn overnight, she wanted to hand it back to him. Levi pulled it over his head even if it was much too big.

‘I know it is a little big on you. Do you want me to keep it here and you can come pick it up when you want it?’ she offered. The last thing she wanted was pushing Levi away, but knew that the sweater was so big on him it would maybe land him in trouble as well.

Levi shook his head, it was nice to be warm and Karolina just nodded. Sitting on her knees, she rolled up his sleeves for him. With the rosy cheeks and in the large sweater he looked finally like the young boy he really was, instead of the feral criminal that had walked into her bar yesterday.

‘Do you want me to come to the market with you?’ Karolina offered. She knew Levi was a good fighter, but worried he would get mugged on the way.

Besides, she worried he wouldn’t get the coins he deserved for the book.

He shook his head though.

‘I can do it myself!’ he insisted, putting on a brave face and she got up again.

‘Help us out before you leave? I will give you a few coins as well,’ Karolina offered him to keep him off the street just a little longer. Just long enough for the seedy people that prowled around during the curfew to go back into the shadows. 

Levi nodded, following Péter to the attic to take some grain down. Karolina wanted to help him, but Levi easily threw one over his shoulder as he took it down the stairs.

For such a small boy, he was surprisingly strong.

Before going to the market he went to see Old Woman, one of the vendors in the Underground. She knew everything about everybody in the slum and a little nervous, he walked inside. He had never been there, but knew that if anybody knew where Erwin Smith would be and who would be, even on the surface, it would be Old Woman.

Standing by the office, he nervously looked at the few coins he had made this morning from Karolina and Péter for lifting some of the bags of barley and grain out of the attic. He had told them that he didn’t have to pay given how much they helped him and gave him.

Karolina insisted though and finally he had taken it.

It also meant he wasn’t sure if he was going to return to them tonight. He felt welcome, but he couldn’t accept their care and love. Kenny would be ashamed of him for depending on others when he had taught him how to depend on nobody but himself.

Walking into the office, he could hardly make out the fat, old woman as she was obstructed by the smoke from her cigar.

‘What are you doing here, runt?’ She laughed as she noticed Levi. She recognized him, he had been here before with Kenny, following the tall man like a shy little dog.

‘I want to know about somebody,’ Levi stepped forward, trying to make his voice sound brave and strong.

‘Don’t waste my time,’ she chuckled as she took another draw of the cigar she was holding. Blowing the smoke in Levi’s face, he shook his head.

‘I can pay for it,’ Levi argued.

Finally she sat up slightly. 

‘Fine, tell me what you want’ she mumbled as she looked a thim, her eye piercing and unpleasant. 

‘Have you heard of Erwin Smith?’

‘Never heard of him,’ She shook her head. Levi wanted to turn around when he heard her nasty, rattling laughter. 

‘What?’

‘You think he is your dad or something, whoreson?’ she cackled as she took another draw from the cigar. 

‘Don't be stupid,’ he frowned. 

‘I know everything, even about you. I know you don’t know who your dad is and you are too small and stupid to be Kenny’s.’

Levi clenched his fists, wanting to lash out. He knew that he could only lose. 

‘Don’t forget to pay!’ Old Woman yelled at him as he walked out of the office. 

A little dejected he walked out of the office. He gave the coins that he had promised to the guards by the door, even though it meant that he would miss even more meals.

Walking to the market he had the book in his bag. He had doubted again about taking the pages that had been used before. Especially the one that had Erwin’s name on it. Even if the words meant nothing to him, the name somehow did.

Erwin Smith was the reason he could eat tonight. Possibly even the next few weeks if he was smart with his coins.  

He could keep the paper with his name. Maybe one day it would mean even more.

Karolina was right, maybe he would one day get to the surface and he could go find Erwin Smith.

Thinking about the name, he felt sparks in his body again and his stomach warm and fuzzy. Erwin Smith, it had such a pleasant ring to it. 

Just before entering the market, he took out the book from his bag. Nervous as he worried about anybody seeing him, his hands were shaking as he held it.

Opening it, he wanted to tear out the first paper. Just the name.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind, pulled back into the alleyway. The book was torn from his hand and before he could fight back, he was thrown to the ground with a stabbing pain in his stomach.  

‘Levi!’

Karolina had been close to him, following him around to make sure he was okay. She had wanted to see him get to the market okay, having trailed after him. She had kept enough distance, but also had been too far away when a man had sneaked up to Levi, grabbing the book and quickly shanking him. 

Levi’s eyes were almost closed, his hand clutching to his stomach. 

Lifting the boy into her arms, she took him into the back entry of the pub, into the kitchen. Levi squirmed in their arms, angry and growling. Péter joined her as she pulled up the sweater and they looked at the wound in his stomach. 

Levi wanted to push them away, lost in the pain and his mind unclear. 

‘Levi! You’re hurt! We want to help you!’ Péter tried to hold the boy down. Karolina rushed to get their first aid supplies.

Levi tried to push himself up again and get away. He tried again, a feral grunt as he tried to push Péter away. Karolina came rushing in again. 

‘Levi!’ she yelled at him again, her hand on the side of his face and finally he looked at her. 

Finally she seemed to knock some sense into him and he stopped. Looking her in the eye, he looked so scared. It broke her heart to see the pure fear in his eyes as they tried to calm him down. They could see the blood gush from his stomach and they pulled up the sweater. Karolina pulled it off before it would be soiled, hoping that it would keep him warm for much longer. Péter had grabbed some of the booze they made, pouring some on the wound to clean it.  

Levi cried out and as Péter wanted to let him drink some, Levi nearly slapped the bottle from his hand. Karolina took over again. 

Péter held his hand as she cleaned the wound and got some gauze. Levi squirmed as she tried to get a better view at the wound. Pressing the gauze down on it and grabbing the bandages to wrap it up, she was relieved that it wasn't a deep stab wound. 

‘It is shallow, it will heal,’ Karolina told him as they were wrapping up the wound. It was gnarly, but they knew that it hadn’t hit any organs and it was bound up well enough he wouldn’t bleed out. It wasn’t pretty, but it was about the best they could do for him here in the underground.

Levi finally drank some of the booze, his face revolted and Péter and Karolina felt horrible to let him drink. It was the only thing they had to help him with the pain though. The few sips were enough to let Levi pass out because of the booze and the blood loss. 

Péter lifted Levi upstairs, settling him on their bed. Karolina followed him, a concerned frown on his face. She tucked him in, sitting on the edge of the bed.

‘He reminds you of our son, huh?’ Péter asked. He could see how much the young boy meant to her. 

‘Yeah, just another lost soul trying to make it in the underground,’ Karolina said without looking at her husband. She caressed over Levi’s hair, hoping to bring the boy some comfort.

Sitting with him for a bit, she knew she had to get to work.

As the evening was drawing to a close, Karolina walked upstairs as the evening was turning into night.  

Her hand on his forehead, she was relieved to feel that he didn’t have a fever.  Levi looked peaceful as he was asleep.

It was nearly midnight when she gently woke him up. Letting him drink some water and eat a few bites, she caressed over the side of his face. 

‘How do you feel?’

‘Hurts,’ Levi admitted and he couldn’t hide behind the strong facade that he always tried to carry. He truly just was a little eleven year old boy now. 

‘I know,’ she empathized with him. Caressing over his head, she checked on the wound again. 

It would just be another scar at the end of the day.

Another story

Another nightmare of the Underground.

Levi probably wouldn’t even have that nightmare that often and for long, Karolina figured. She wished Levi a long and happy life. But with the path he was on and headed down he knew that the fact was he probably wouldn’t grow that old. Even if she wanted him to.

A little surprised as Levi sat up and wanted to get off the bed. Karolina held him, the boy almost toppling over again as he did so.

‘Levi!’

‘I have to get that book!’ He tried to get out of bed. He had to get the book, he had to – Erwin Smith had tried to save him and he had to find the book to make it right.  

He needed to get it back. He needed to find the book. Maybe Erwin would save him, Maybe Erwin would help him to the surface and finally get him out of all this shit. Trying to push past her, he felt the tears burn in his eyes.

Karolina couldn’t help but wrap her arms around him. It broke her heart that this little boy was so concerned about a simple book of papers. She could imagine how much the coins would give Levi so much hope. But seeing the large wound on his stomach that was wrapped up, it was hard to accept that Levi was soon just going to be another unfortunate story in the underground.

‘I saw you went to Old Woman?’ Karolina asked him as she pushed him down again on the bed. 

‘I want to know who Erwin Smith is,’ Levi told her the obvious.

‘Oh Levi,’ Karolina just sighed as she felt sorry for Levi.

‘His name is important, I know it! I know it is!’ Levi insisted.

‘He is just a man living on the surface. Why do you care, Levi? He probably wouldn’t even treat you any better than the horse shit under his shoe! If he was some sort of god, he wouldn’t let us all starve here in the Underground,’ Karolina shook her head.

‘It’s important!’ Levi insisted.

‘It was just a book, Levi!’ Karolina shook his shoulders, ‘And Erwin is just a name! A book is not worth your life! You stupid boy- you have so much of your life ahead of you, don’t be stupid!’

Levi slapped her, even before he realized he did. His stomach sunk as he looked at Karolina, the woman looked at him in disbelief as he did so.

Tears welled up in his eyes, immediate regret. He felt regret though as he did so. Karoline had been nothing but kind and now he had fucked it all up.

Rolling off the bed, he grabbed his stuff.

‘Levi stop, you don’t need to go!’ Karolina said as she tried to grab him. Even if he had acted out, she knew that he was suffering, both in pain and the fact that the one time he had found his treasure, he lost it all again.

Levi stumbled down the stairs, pressing his hand against the wound as Karolina was still calling for him.

‘Levi, what’s wrong?’ Péter hurried from behind the bar.

Pushing past him, Levi ran away from the bar. Only when he was a few blocks away, in a dark alley, he dared to look back. Putting on the clothes he had grabbed on the way, he hid in the darkness as he tried to catch his breath.

Levi stumbled into the empty warehouse he had slept a few times before. The wound in his stomach had started bleeding again and the sweater that he had been so kindly given caught the brunt of it. Sinking down against one of the crates, he pushed against the wound.

From his shoe he took the crumpled up paper.

Tracing the carbon arches and loops again with his finger, he mumbled the name once more.

‘Erwin smith,’

He had torn the piece of paper out just before he had been grabbed and stabbed for the book. Just before he had lost all of it again.

Holding the paper, tears in his eyes, there was nothing he could do to keep himself from sobbing. The pain in his stomach, the fact that he had ruined the little bit of safety that he had had here in the Underground. Even if he struggled to accept the love and care that he had received, he felt so ashamed how he had reacted and acted to them.

Curling up in the sweater again, he just hoped that one day he could make it back. That he would be accepted back.

No, he had to move on. He had to move on just like Kenny had from him. He had been a failure, he had been weak by accepting help.

He would always be a failure. Maybe it would be better if he never went to the pub again. Karoline and Peter would never want to see him again, he was sure of that. 

Just like Kenny he had left him, it was all that he deserved.

Curling up on the cold ground, the only warmth he felt was the blood on his stomach, he still held the crumpled piece of paper in his hand.

He had been so close to finally getting a better life, even if just for a little while.

Even if he could just buy some food for himself and he could have bought a nice little present to thank Karolina and Peter he had ruined it all again.

All he hoped now was that eventually, he could make it up. 

The only thing making him feel a little better about all that had happened today, was thinking about Erwin Smith again. The name just gave him such a positive feeling he couldn't explain. It seemed important, somehow. 

Maybe one day, he would meet Erwin Smith.

14 years later

He knew his name though. Not only because Lovof had told him. But there was not a doubt in his mind that the tall, imposing and blonde man would be the deity that he had once created in his mind. A man so powerful that he had not been able to think about anything else for a long time after he had found that one book.

The book he had been stabbed over.

The book because of which he had lost the one safe haven over that he had down in the underground.

The name that was almost scorched into his soul and the name that had been on his mind forever. In the beginning, he thought about it a lot and every time the name gave him that fuzzy, warm feeling. Even after a while when he thought about it less, it still came up in his mind every now and then. 

Looking at the tall blonde, he no longer wondered that Erwin did have those fancy wooden toys. He probably had a good meal every night growing up.

Yet, he was exactly as impressive as Levi had made him out to be. Imposing and strong. Levi looked in the blue oceans under the dark eyebrows.

‘My name is Erwin Smith,’ the blonde told him as he crouched down in front of him.

Levi already knew.

But he just looked at the man.

‘What is your name?’

He still felt so much respect for  the man, even now that the mystery name had become an actual man standing in front of him. .

He was just a man, not a deity.

But Levi felt deep inside he would forever be his deity.

‘Levi, my name is Levi,’ he finally answered.