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Once you have a god in your head people treat you differently. Or at least that felt like the case to Clint. So when Tony sent out the invite to members of the Initiative to move into Stark Tower after its renovation, he was the first to give it a shot. It wasn't like he had anywhere else to go. Outside of missions it was just a plain old S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned apartment. Tony was filthy rich and one look at the pimped out apartments and living spaces at the tower was enough to make him swallow his pride and take part in the billionaire’s latest whim.
Dr. Banner showed up two days later and immediately it was like living with The Odd Couple. Tony and Bruce clashed over everything. It seemed like every time their paths crossed they argued about something. The first few times he admittedly wondered if Tony was trying to cause an incident - he'd seemed fond of Banner the short time they were all together after the battle after all. But eventually he decided that clearly the two men's drive off into the sunset had only served to end in happily never after. He even briefly mused whether or not it was a brief fling gone sour adding to the tension.
He kept to himself whenever the three of them were in a room together. It was none of his business and frankly they were always too absorbed in their arguments or disagreements to notice him anyhow.
He had to admit it was nice when Steve moved in a few weeks later. At least now he would have someone to share in the aggravation of it.
~
“I just don't get it,” Steve said in a low voice to Clint during the third argument between the two geniuses in as many days.
“Yeah, cheese or no cheese on broccoli is pretty subjective,” Clint agreed with a shrug.
Steve looked at him strangely. “No, I mean…” Then he realized. “Oh, I guess you weren't there. But those two got along perfectly on the ship. It was like they were, I don't know, science soulmates or something.”
Clint snorted. “Guess it was a short honeymoon.”
Steve sighed and studied the two men. “It's a shame. They both seemed like they could use a friend. Like they needed each other.” Hoping to play peacemaker, Steve called over to them. “Can't you just both eat broccoli the way you prefer?”
“Oh no, see this is about more than broccoli,” Tony countered and set Bruce with a steely gaze. “This is about Mr. High and Mighty pretending that my valid suggestions to his anti electron collision research are inferior.”
Steve furrowed his brow, not following.
“You're misleading them by referring to your suggestions as valid,” Bruce said with a tiny bit of acid on his tongue.
Steve sighed again and gave it up for a lost cause. He only hoped they might reconcile eventually. And at least it hadn't led to any problems in the field yet.
~
“What are you saying?” Tony looked at Bruce in indignation, intense eyes and fierce scowl that Natasha had honestly only ever seen once when he was at odds with Steve on the helicarrier.
“I thought you were a self-proclaimed super genius,” Bruce snipped. “I'm pretty sure any five year old could work this one out, but I'll repeat it. very. slowly.”
Natasha’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at Bruce’s remark and she looked over at Clint who watched on as well.
“Oh, well then, if you’re so smart let’s see if you can work this one out.” Tony walked directly up to Bruce and looked at him with narrowed eyes. “Fuck. you .”
Natasha opened her mouth to ask if that was the best kind of remark given Bruce’s condition, but then decided she’d rather not make Bruce upset by patronizing him like she’d done on the helicarrier. Instead she turned her head and whispered in Clint’s ear.
“Maybe that’s what they both need at this point.”
Clint snorted and whispered back. “Yeah, I don’t think Banner plus angry sex is the best idea.”
Natasha’s lips quirked upward. “I don’t think Tony plus angry sex is the best idea.”
Clint laughed outright and the two men stopped long enough to look at them strangely before leaving the room, still arguing.
~
“Friends!” Thor shouted at the two men arguing over the movie they were trying to watch. They stopped and looked at him. “What is the use in arguing about something so minor?”
He had only returned from Asgard a few days prior and he didn’t understand why the joviality of the two men had faded into such a venomous relationship.
“That’s just their thing, Thor,” Clint answered. “You get used to it. Some people just clash, Thor.”
“And some people are just idiots,” Tony added. “Especially those who people who happen to think this garbage,” he gestured to the screen, “is a classic.”
“How about you give us a chance to decide for ourselves. And then you can argue to your heart’s content?” Steve suggested.
Thor thought that sounded reasonable, but before the two men could weigh the option, Natasha said sharply, “That’s not a request.”
~
Jane looked back and forth at the two men who had been lovely at first, so lovely in fact she couldn't understand anything Thor had told her about them being like battling bilgesnipe. They seemed great friends and when talking about science they seemed in sync. But then all of a sudden, Tony picked a fight over a piece of equipment that had been moved… or something along those lines.
“Not now, Tony,” Bruce said in a warning tone and gave her an apologetic look.
“Um, excuse me, but now is precisely the time to have this conversation,” Tony countered.
Bruce gave a small huff and looked at Tony sharply. “Not now , Tony,” Bruce said again.
“I don't think you're getting this, Bruce.” Tony returned the sharp look. “We have a situation here.”
“There-- “ Bruce paused. “God, Tony, the only situation here is the one you want to make up just to make me look bad in front of Dr. Foster.,” he suddenly sounded indignant.
“It's really not like--” Jane started.
“Oh so that's your game. You just outed yourself, Banner. You just want me to get mad and make a scene so I'll look bad in front of Dr. Foster.
“Neither of you look--”
“I don't have to do anything of the sort. You can make a scene all on your own.”
“--bad,” Jane finished lamely.
She shook her head and slowly backed away from the confrontation, opting instead to look around the lab on her own. She spared only one glance back at the men during the duration of their argument. Maybe this was what Darcy meant about scientists being wound too tight.
~
Darcy was absolutely stoked to have been invited to come work with Jane at Stark Tower. She was just stoked to be around so many ridiculously hot guys like Steve Rogers. Thor was Jane's, but Steve was nice and blonde and muscly too. And sweet as apple pie. Definitely better than the losers back at college. She'd have to figure out how to get with that, she thought to herself on numerous occasions.
She was thinking that as she 'volunteered' to help him in the kitchen. Hanging out with Steve Rogers in a kitchen was a million times better than the boring conversation at the table.
"So, Steve what's your favorite movie?" Darcy asked casually.
He tilted his head in an adorable sort of way that indicated he was considering the question. But just when he opened his mouth to answer, there was sudden, loud bickering and his shoulders deflated sharply and he shook his head.
Darcy furrowed her brow and moved closer to the noise, noting that Steve followed - something she would definitely analyze later. She stopped in her tracks when she realized it was Tony Stark and Dr. Banner.
"Sorry about them," Steve whispered. "They..." He sighed. "Every time I think they might be getting along, this happens."
Darcy's eyebrows shot up and she studied the scene between the eccentric billionaire and the guy everyone at Culver had described as mild-mannered when pressed about him. The two men were ridiculously close and fighting about something equally ridiculous as far as she could tell.
"You are impossible, Tony," Bruce said through gritted teeth.
"You just don't know how to handle me," Tony countered.
"Oh, I know exactly how to handle you," Bruce said with a derisive snort. "I could handle you all day long." Darcy blinked. Wait, was that...? "But that doesn't change the fact that you are impossible." He raised his hands and looked around like it was a known fact that couldn't be disputed. "You can tell me you're an engineering genius all you want, but those latest suit specs say otherwise," he insulted. He then furrowed his brow and looked at Tony intently. "That much power? Something's got to give and I shudder to think what."
"That's it, Banner," Tony practically snarled. "I'm five seconds away from throwing you out on your ass."
Suddenly Darcy's mouth fell open. "Oh, I see what's going on here," she said with a knowing smirk. They all looked at her like she was crazy. She looked around at the other Avengers and even Jane to see they all looked a little weary. "You really don't get what's going on here?"
"Darcy..." Jane started, obviously assuming she was going to create a scene. And maybe she was, but this opportunity couldn't be passed up.
"So how long?" She posited the question to Tony and Bruce.
"How long what?" Tony asked her incredulously as they turned side by side to look at her.
Darcy rolled her eyes. "How long have you been doing this whole covert flirting with each other thing? Is it like some roleplay thing or just some weird habit that happened after an argument that led to angry sex?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Clint asked her. "Those two aren't flirting with--" His eyes widened. "Oh... I get it now."
"Stark? Dr. Banner?" Steve queried beside her.
Tony looked at Bruce and Bruce looked down, pursing his lips, before sighing and saying, "Okay."
Tony nodded. "Yeah, okay, you got us. We've been, uh, we've kind of been faking it this whole time."
Natasha muttered something in Russian that Darcy was relieved she didn't understand. Especially when Natasha gave her a calculating glance as if wondering how she'd figured it out. Darcy decided to avoid eye contact.
"Why were you faking?" Steve asked in confusion.
Bruce shrugged. "We didn't know if it would be a good idea for anyone to know." He then looked at Tony. "And it probably would have been fairly obvious if we didn't try to hide it the way we did," he said with a smile and Tony smiled back.
"It's 2013," Darcy pointed out. "And given the fact that we're standing in a room a god, a man from the 1940s and another one that turns into a Hulk, I think we can handle it."
Bruce frowned, looking back at her, and Tony outright scowled. "It's not that. It's because the last thing we need is Fury breathing down our neck with some nonsense like 'Tony, you're the last damn person I want messing around with Bruce Banner.'" He rolled his eyes.
"He might have a point," Clint said with an unapologetic sort of shrug.
"Does Pepper know?" Natasha asked Pepper testily.
"See, this is exactly why we were keeping it to ourselves," Tony said, pointing at no one in particular. "Already with the inquisition." He huffed. "Of course Pepper knows. Apparently there's a limit to how many times the person she's dating should cheat death. We decided it was just as well since it was pretty obvious I wouldn't have lasted more than a month without propositioning Bruce."
"Three weeks and two days," Bruce confirmed.
"That's still a lot of effort just to keep us from knowing about the two of you being fuck buddies," Clint said incredulously.
"Oh for..." Tony rolled his eyes again. "We're dating, bird brain."
The others looked around at one another, save for Thor who looked at Jane with a beaming smile at the sudden revelation.
Darcy decided it deserved applause so she applauded them. "Kudos. You really must be geniuses. Most people can't pull off that kind of charade for half as long. I'm totally impressed."
"Don't encourage them," Natasha said, obviously not amused. Darcy got the impression she was still upset about being duped. Clint looked a little disenchanted as well.
"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm a little relieved that's what was really going on here," Steve said sheepishly beside her. They all looked at him questioningly. "It's better than thinking two of your teammates hate each other. Especially when they seemed to get along so well at first."
"Oh we get along very well, Cap," Tony said with a smirk and Darcy's mind wandered a little, considering it.
"Tony," Bruce admonished, "don't."
Steve shrugged. "I toured with chorus girls. It was almost worse than the army." Darcy snorted as she came out of her reverie. "Probably nothing he can say I haven't heard before. Besides," he gave a small smirk of his own, glancing sideways at her, "it's 2013."
Darcy might have died a little, but she would have to re-read her blog entry about it later just to make sure. She would of course retract exact names for privacy purposes, but, oh yeah. She was going to blog about it.