Work Text:
The scene is dark and ominous. Sinister red walls that seem to pulsate surround a trembling everyman. The camera angle is off-kilter and disorienting as a Jack Frost cackles, closing in on the cornered boy for the kill. Suddenly, a roar reverberates from the ground and a large, imposing monster materializes.
Booming Monster Voice (Persona):
Have you finally decided to no longer be a pawn in this life? If you’ve realized your true strength, let us enter into a pact. Say my name and seal the contract.
The boy, still cowering, rises to his feet. His lips curl to form a word, but before he speaks….
SKKKKIIIIIIIIRRRRRR (big ol’ record scratch)
The frame freezes, and a woman in a black suit steps out in front of the scene.
Woman (Sae Nijima):
Is this you? Back up against the wall, seemingly forced into a binding agreement with an unknown entity?Time is running out. But have you even seen the terms of the contract you’re about to sign? You feel you have one choice to make: agree wholesale or die. Hmm, doesn’t that seem a little unjust?
You need an advocate who can secure your interests. Who is looking out for the little guy?
Screen flashes to a jagged cut-in of her eyes, steely and resolute:
I am.
My name is Sae Nijima, attorney at law, and I’m here to help you get the best possible contract terms with your newfound Persona.
Sae walks from the left side of the screen to the right, and the screen behind her changes to a collage of the Velvet Room denizens.
Don’t let Big Philemon make you think you don’t have options. You have rights and the power to negotiate. I am here to help you secure what you deserve.
The scene switches to a garishly-stereotypical otaku boy drooling as a woman in a tight red latex suit bends her body.
Think you have no choice but to wear an outfit that makes you uncomfortable in the name of fanservice?
Cut to Ann looking horrified and covering her chest during her awakening.
Not today! With my services, I can guarantee that your comfort will always be more important than some weeb’s boner.
Composite video of Phantom Thieves struggling to pull off their masks, followed by a gory rush of blood.
And don’t get me started on the gruesome mask reveal.
You have to ask yourself what kind of sadist thinks this is necessary. Haven’t you been through enough just to get here? I know for a fact it can be done without profuse bleeding.
Cut to Futaba post-awakening. “Mwehehehehe!” *exaggerated wink*
As your attorney, I will secure a painless awakening. And that’s a promise.
A giant stamp with Sae’s likeness giving two huge thumbs up descends and thwomps down on the screen, leaving behind a bright red seal reading “NIJIMA GUARANTEE.”
Scene cuts to a large, imposing Persona with arms outstretched, cackling as humans are suspended in the air.
And who’s to say your Persona is good? It could dig deep into your more morally-ambiguous desires and fan the flames. As a being with its own will, who’s going to protect you if it steers you down the wrong path? Without clear contract terms to guard your well-being, you might turn into some brainwashed megalomaniac.
Cut to Maruki, tugging at the collar of his shirt for breathing room as he laughs awkwardly and his eyes nervously dart back and forth.
The scene goes back to Sae, arm resting on wooden desk in a lawyer's office.
By engaging my services, you not only protect yourself from all the above, but a host of other benefits as well.
The screen lists the following in Comic Sans against a bright blue background:
- HSA to use for gym fees or medicine from the Takemi Medical Clinic
- Free mask fit adjustments
- "Do-Not-Call" hours, barring those pesky late-night summons to the Velvet Room
- Telecom refund due to use of personal mobile device to access the Metaverse
- Negotiated rates on Velvet Room fees
- Career growth plan and 401k match
- Subsidized snacks for long Mementos runs
- Discounted Kawakami massage package
- Punch card at Untouchable - buy 9 guns, get the 10th at a 10% discount!
- Outsourced tool assembly
- ...and SO MUCH MORE!
The camera goes back to Sae as a toll-free number flashes at the bottom.
Don’t delay, call today! For a low fee, you can retain me, Sae Nijima, as your personal Metaverse attorney. And can you really put a price on peace of mind? Someday, you too could find yourself in the Metaverse staring down a crisis and feeling the urge to rebel. It could happen. Fact: there are more Persona users in Tokyo than people who can hum while holding their nose with their mouths shut. You just tried it, didn't you? Anyway, don't just take my word for it...
The screen goes back to the original everyman about to speak, and the scene unfreezes.
Everyman:
Hold it, bozo! I know my rights! I’ve retained Sae Nijima, attorney at law!Persona, now dejected:
Curses!!!Jack Frost:
Mweheheheheheheeee ho!Everyman:
Now, I'd like a physical copy of the agreement for my council to review. And in the meantime, I believe I get a one-time, no commitment shadow asswhooping. He looks to the camera. Who did I learn this from? Sae Nijima, that’s who!Persona:
Proceeds to beat up the Jack Frost. Oooh, that Sae Nijima's really cutting into our bottom line!Everyman, Persona, and (a beaten and bruised) Jack Frost turn and face the camera and say in unison:
Call Sae today!Jack Frost:
Hee ho! *passes out*