Archive of Our Own ^beta

[Groupchat created]

[Members: Raven , mean bunny , murder bunny ]

Raven
I think the groupchat you made the other day deleted itself after I sent my name
I made a new one if you don’t mind.

murder bunny
thx i think it was a technical difficulty brought on by you doxxing yourself
lol
happy birthday btw

mean bunny
since we’re friends now will you fight me to the death behind a dumpster?

murder bunny
do not fight alice to the death behind a dumpster
or anywhere else
please and thank you xoxo

mean bunny
we’re sworn enemies though

Raven
Didn’t you just say that we were friends? Why are we sworn enemies now?

Also, how do you know when my birthday is?

mean bunny
if ur irl gilbert nightray then we can be both 

murder bunny
i’ve been unsuccessfully stalking you for the past 10 years but for the five years before that i was an expert in it

Raven
Why would you do that?

murder bunny
i am the world’s most normal rabbit
what do you want for your birthday btw?
and whats your address legally nobody is allowed to give it to me for custody battle reasons

Raven
What??

murder bunny
also you have a wikipedia page
that i am looking at right now
it doesnt say youre a pandora hitman it just says youre an eligible bachelor

Raven
I’m really, really, really not
My boss actually tried to get me to compete on The Bachelor once and it was awful

mean bunny
whats the bachelor?

murder bunny
a dating show
which i will now be binging all of for wholly unrelated reasons
were you the bachelor or a contestant?

Raven
I was the bachelor, but in the end everyone got together with somebody except for me, and I got in a lot of trouble
I really don’t like reality TV shows

murder bunny
same

if i was a contestant on your season i wouldnt have screwed you over like that
wait actually when was this
because i might have been screwing your brother at the time
i have dated multiple nightrays 

Raven
It was around six years ago, when I had just turned eighteen

murder bunny
yeah i was shacking up with fred nightray at the time, had been on and off for around 3 years
it was bad
more for me than for him unfortunately he was kind of a dick

Raven
I’m sorry for your loss

murder bunny
oh no i’d lost my virginity ages before that

Raven
I meant that that was the year Fred died

murder bunny
ohhhhh no dw i wasnt gunning for him i was attempting to manipulate him
vincent didnt beat me to the punch or anything
honestly it was kind of a relief after the first year and a half shacking up with a guy a solid two decades older than me had REALLY lost its appeal

Raven
Are you okay?

murder bunny
yeah 100% dw dw
my dear sister on this gc can attest to that
@mean bunny

mean bunny
okayness is relative
for example nobody is hiding in our bushes with binoculars and we are not hiding in anyones bushes with binoculars either
also none of us are dead or dying despite what the internet might say

Raven
What?

murder bunny
long story short in the complicated and colorful story of my multiple adoptions i did end up legally dead during the custody battles

Raven
How does that happen?

murder bunny
well you see
when a sister and a brother and a brotherfather and the homeless stalker they picked up off the streets are embroiled in a long and toxic affair, sometimes babies are born
and then stolen
and then stolen AGAIN
and permanently cut off from the people who really do love them because their bio fathers are evil manipulative bastards who enjoy making them suffer as much as possible in the hopes that they’ll mentally break and kill a whole bunch of people
and so ruin all their relationships behind their back leaving them completely stranded and alone with a bunch of strangers whom they have to try and make a new family with
but i am not bitter abt that at all
can i have your address? and also any information that can be used to track you down in a private place late at night

Raven
No

murder bunny
aw beans
i promise i’m not shia labeouf

Raven
Excuse me?

murder bunny
actual cannibal shia labeouf

Raven
I’d hope you’re not a cannibal, we’re friends

murder bunny
i would die kill and eat other human beings for you

mean bunny
he has never eaten anyone

Raven
That’s a relief
Murder Bunny, I promise I am skilled enough in the art of murder that you will never have to kill, cannibalize, or die for me.

murder bunny
yeah but you are also a hitman for pandora. and actual literal gilbert nightray. so you definitely have enemies whom i could take care of for you

Raven
That’s sweet, but you really don’t have to. You’re a civilian

murder bunny
i want to protect you, that’s an absolute

Raven
Excuse me?

murder bunny
can you read

Raven
What did you mean by “an absolute”?

murder bunny
trust, ig
something certain that won’t be lost, a promise you keep and make with someone you love, the only person you can trust not to leave you
idk

mean bunny
you are the only person other than my brother to have a weird reaction to that word
is it a pandora thing
my brother is technically ex-pandora

murder bunny
definitely not a pandora thing
probably just a coincidence haha
absolute? what’s an absolute? nobody’s ever given me an absolute before
haha
anyway about the bachelor

Raven
Sharon, Break, is there any evidence that Oz might have survived somehow? Through some sort of weird kidnapping/custody battle thing?

Equus
nothing to do with my girlfriend i’m sure

Mad Hatter
suddenly i have to go have sex with oscar vessalius

Raven
Excuse me??

murder bunny
the bachelor is cool
sexy
hot
did you like being on the bachelor gil

Raven
Do you have any ways to stop my boss from having sex with a man far out of his league?

murder bunny
catfish him

mean bunny
chop his dick off

murder bunny
start a smear campaign

mean bunny
sleep with the man yourself

murder bunny
ask elliot for ideas he is GREAT at not having sex with people out of his league

mean bunny
you would know

murder bunny
yeah </3
but leo and i are doing great without him actually
we are definitely doing lots of cute romantic couple things without him, all the time

Raven
You know Elliot?

murder bunny
i have been fucking my way through your siblings since i was sixteen ofc i know elliot
though our relationship is actually mostly healthy and founded on mutual interests and passions rather than any insane unhealthy one-sided obsessions i may or may not have
i definitely gave up on that obsession years back and i am totally and completely normal now
the most normal rabbit in the whole wide world
please do not look at my psych evals
actually you can read them if you want if you can find them somewhere probably

Raven
Are you a furry, then?

mean bunny
whats that

murder bunny
gil that is the cruelest thing you have EVER said to me

Raven
We have known each other for two days and you keep calling yourself a rabbit, it’s a valid question

murder bunny
</3
but no i am not a furry that is just my gender
murder bunny
the bloodstained black rabbit, if you will

Raven
You mean the B-Rabbit, the human weapon with a million dollar price put on his head by Jack Vessalius??

murder bunny
i like “world’s most normal bunny rabbit” better but yeah
anyway i did get kidnapped so i am no longer jack’s human weapon and the one bright side to my shitty shitty situation means that he really super can’t get me back
he was the homeless stalker in the story of my fucked up birth btw i was grown in a tube using his sperm and when he got dumped he stole me + dumped me on my father who had just had a stillborn and hated me for existing and then dumped me on my uncle who does love me and when that came out my father tried to kill me and the baskervilles found me again, and now i’m safe

mean bunny
also he doesn’t fucking kill people

murder bunny
i would if you needed me to though, i would definitely kill to protect you and severely fuck up anyone who hurt you
that is an absolute

Raven
Was I told the truth about what happened to Oz?

Oscar Vessalius
You were the only witness, Gil.
Why do you ask?

Raven
What is the Bloodstained Black Rabbit?

Oscar Vessalius
An innocent child whom Pandora, and my family in particular, destroyed.

Raven
You won’t have to do that, I promise.
I’m glad you’re in a safe place now

murder bunny
thanks, it means a lot <3

Raven
This conversation means a lot to me too. It’s been a very good birthday present

murder bunny
if you give me your address i’ll give you a better present

Raven
Would that be safe for you?

murder bunny
absolutely not!

mean bunny
do NOT fucking give us your address
my offer to fight to the death behind a dumpster still stands though

murder bunny
don’t do that either

Raven
I think I’m going to have to learn about internet safety to keep you two from doing dangerous things online, it isn’t safe to challenge me to a fight to the death

mean bunny
i could take you

murder bunny
yeah she’s the best

Raven
You really think so?

murder bunny
yeah, she’s amazing. really honestly the best part of my life, and has been for as long as i’ve known her

Raven
I’m happy for you.
I’m really, really, really happy for you.

murder bunny
thanks <3

Raven
I think I’ve found Oz, alive

Dormouse
i think i’m legally supposed to gaslight you about that, nii-san
ah well!
have fun stay safe use protection and hide the body well :)

Raven
I am not killing him, Vince!

Dormouse
shame, i’m sure he’d love that
well, have fun with your spot of treason!! and keep your fucking mouth shut about this unless you want him really dead :)
there’s a lot of people who want him gone.

Raven
Thanks for the warning. I won’t lose him again.