Archive of Our Own

Week 5

“Good afternoon, Chicago. This is Summer Ash with your weekday forecast. We’re looking at five days of…”

Hailey turns down the radio. She is three blocks from home, and she is struggling to figure out how she will make it even one more. It all hit her suddenly. She was driving home from the gym- so close to the apartment- and a wave of nausea that has her gripping the wheel with white knuckles washed over her. 

She cranks on the air conditioning and turns off the radio to get rid of the noise and increase the air flowing across her clammy skin. This does not happen to her. She has had the strongest of stomachs at crime scenes that have sent other officers running out the door with their hand clasped over their mouth. Even with the nastiest of viruses, she had some warning. 

Hailey presses down on the gas a little bit harder. She just has to make it one block more, but… 

That familiar feeling rises in her throat, and she knows she is not going to make it. Hailey flicks on her blinker and swings her car to the curb on her right. She throws open the driver’s side door and gets sick on the pavement. 

She stays leaning out the car door for a minute or two as other cars pass by, swerving to avoid her mess on the side of the road. As quickly as the sickness hit her, it begins subsiding once her stomach is emptied of what little she had in it. 

Hailey collapses back into the driver’s seat and pulls the door shut behind her. She leaves the car in park for a few minutes more and keeps the air conditioning running on high to cool the sweat slicked across her face. Her water bottle from the gym still sits in the seat next to her so she swishes a mouthful of water in her mouth, opens the door to spit it onto the road, and closes herself in again. 

Jay is still her first call for everything, so she reaches for her phone. When she taps her screen on, there is a text from him already waiting. 

No need to stop and get food after the gym. We have so much leftover carne asada. Drive safe. 

She tips her head back in her seat and closes her eyes, taking a deep breath to fight off the next bout of nausea that rises when she imagines the smell of the meat reheating in the kitchen. 

Something clicks then. Hailey can think back to Kim running out of the breakroom any time someone had meat in their lunch in the early stages of her pregnancy. One whiff, and she was racing to the bathroom. 

Nausea is replaced by panic. Hailey reaches for the knob to turn up the air conditioner, but it is already as high as it can go. “Oh, my God.” She puts her hands over her face and scrunches her eyes. 

There is no reason she should be panicking, really. Her and Jay are not trying to have a baby, but they are also not not trying. They started their marriage saying “maybe someday” to kids, but now- three years in- “maybe someday” slowly turned into “maybe” and “maybe now”. 

They spent so long dwelling on everything that scared them about having kids that eventually that conversation was stretched as far as it could go, and they had to acknowledge that there was a part of them that wanted it. Without thinking, Hailey lowers her hand to rest over her stomach.

There is nothing abnormal about the way her abdomen feels under her fitted tank top, but something feels different. She does the math back to her last cycle and any of the times they slept together that could have landed her here- New Years, random nights in bed, an impulsive night in the truck- and yeah, there are plenty of times that could have gotten the job done. 

Something feels different. There is no way to know right now, but she knows. Under her fingers, Hailey swears she feels an imperceptible flutter of something that is a little bit of her and a little bit of him. It makes her smile nervously. And cry. And her heart races. She feels sick again, yet it might be okay, yet it is also the most terrifying thing she can imagine. 

After another minute with every possibility racing through her mind and tears running down her cheeks, she puts the car in drive and slowly rolls the rest of the way back to the apartment. 

When she opens the front door and slides in, Hailey is relieved to find he has not started cooking dinner yet. Jay is in the kitchen putting away the last of the clean dishes. His back is to the door, so he does not see her walk in with a flushed, tear-stained face when he calls out to her. 

“Hey, how was the gym?”

“Fine.” Her voice is stiff. She toes off her shoes and drops her bag by the door before walking into the kitchen and leaning forward on the counter. 

Jay still works at putting the dishes away, distracted. “Good. I was thinking after dinner-”

“-Jay.”

He finally turns when she cuts him off, and his eyebrows knit together with concern when he notices the tear tracks on her blotchy skin. 

“I’m late.”

“Late for what?”

“No.” Hailey opens and closes her hands into fists on top of the counter and takes a deep breath, but it shakes with nerves she did not expect. They agreed to stop using birth control together, but the hypothetical idea of a child suddenly feels so different from the reality she could be carrying. “I’m late… like my period. I should have started a week ago, but I didn’t. I didn’t notice until I just got sick all over Canal Street. Then you mentioned the meat-”

“-Hey, okay, slow down.” Jay’s voice shakes too. He takes a few long steps around the kitchen counter until he is standing in front of her. She can not help the tears that well up in her eyes again when he reaches out to hold her face, swiping his thumb along her cheek. 

A small smile threatens his lips, but he presses them into a thin line while he looks in her eyes. He is very Jay about it. Calm, steady, reassuring. “Let’s find out for sure before we do anything else. Do we have any tests?” He asks. She shakes her head no, and he glances over at his keys hanging on the hook by the door. “I can go get one,” he says. “Do you want to come with me?”

“No,” she says softly. “I’m not really fit for the public right now. Just, you know, be fast.” 

Jay lets out an airy laugh and runs his hand down her ponytail. “I promise.” He holds the back of her head and steps closer. “It’ll be alright,” he says evenly. “We talked about this right?”

“I know we did, and it will. But-”

“Yeah,” he smiles. “It’s different.” He taps his pockets looking for his keys before he remembers he just saw them hanging on the wall. With a few quick steps, Jay lifts them from the hook and grabs his phone from the kitchen counter. He does his best to hide it, but Hailey can see his nervousness as much as she can feel her own.

It’s different , he said. It is real. They talked about the idea of having a baby and they agreed that they were content to stop preventing it, but suddenly she is standing in front of him asking for a test, and it feels very, very real. He steps forward to kiss her lips like he does most times he is about to walk out the door, but she puts her hand on his chest to stop him. 

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I just got sick all over Canal Street.”

This is Hailey. She makes him smile, and his racing heart slows a bit under her fingers. “Fair enough.” Jay laughs lowly and shakes his head before pressing a quick kiss to her cheek instead. “I’ll be fast,” he promises.

Once he is gone, Hailey takes a minute to brush her teeth before wandering back into the living room and planting herself on the couch. Her leg bounces anxiously. Against her better judgment, she finds herself glancing over to the spare bedroom.

It sits empty. They said they would use it as an office, and she has spread case files out on the floor a time or two, but it just sits- as if it is waiting for someone to move in. She absentmindedly runs her fingers over her stomach again. 

The walls in that room are still white, but she can see them spending an afternoon painting them something cheerful. There is enough space for a crib or a twin sized bed. Even bunk beds.

Hailey pries her eyes away and puts her head down in her hands. She stares down at the hardwood floors, but now she imagines what the pitter-patter of small footsteps would sound like against them. She is getting too far ahead of herself. Way too far. 

She closes her eyes and tries to drown it out until she hears the lock turn in the front door. Jay walks in with a small convenience store bag slung over his arm, and she can make out the outline of a rectangular pink and white box inside. “Doing okay?” He asks. 

“I think so,” she says softly. “I’m not really sure.” 

“That’s alright.” Jay holds the bag out to her, but he does not let it go when her fingers wrap around the handle. They stand with it held in between them until she looks up. “Whatever this test says,” he says softly, “we’re in this together. You know that, right?”

“Of course I do.” Hailey tilts her head at him. The nerves are in every line on his face. Nerves for the positive sign that she is sure will be there, and nerves for her. She has not tried to hide one emotion because he can read her in seconds anyway. He can see she is scared. Hailey reaches up to drag her knuckles along his jaw even though her hand shakes. “No matter what, we do it together.” 

Jay nods, and he leans forward to kiss her lips quickly. “Are you ready?” 

Hailey hums quietly and eases the bag from his hands. He follows close behind her into their bedroom, but stops to sit on the edge of the bed when she disappears into the bathroom. The irony of privacy in a moment like this is not lost on her, but she still closes the door part way- leaving a small crack so they are not completely separated while she goes through the motions of taking the test.  

She finishes up and leaves the small plastic stick sitting on the bathroom counter. “Can you set a timer?”

“Yeah, uh yeah.” Jay scrambles for his phone in his pocket. “Two minutes?”

“Three.”

“Got it.” He begins the timer and sets the phone face up on the bed next to him. “Can I come in?”

“I’m coming out.” Hailey joins him in the bedroom and sits next to him on the edge of the mattress. No words are needed or exchanged. She reaches for his hand and laces their fingers together. He holds her hand between both of his and pulls it onto his lap. They both know. They could be at the precipice of something- something that changes everything. 

It feels like the longest, quietest three minutes of their lives. They can feel each other’s pulse pounding in their palms. As long as the three minutes seem while they hold onto each other, they are also not long enough.

This could be their last three minutes of just them . With one positive sign, they will not be simply Jay and Hailey anymore- they will be Jay, Hailey, and. They will make room in their life built for two for a little person she imagines might have her hair and his eyes.

The shrill ring of the timer pierces through the quiet room. Hailey squeezes his hand tighter and rests her head on his shoulder to steal one minute more. Just one more of them. 

Jay presses a lingering kiss to the top of her head. “I love you,” he murmurs. “Whenever you’re ready, I will be too.”

Eventually, Hailey lets go of his hands and slides off the bed. She can feel his presence over her shoulder as she walks the few steps into the brightly-lit bathroom. She takes a deep breath and holds it. The test stick sits where she left it, the answer just one glance away. She looks slowly, and the air leaves her lungs. 

Negative.

“Oh.” Jay utters one word, the emotion unreadable in his voice. “Okay, I mean… okay.”

Point by point, the list of reasons Hailey had to convince herself that it would be positive are proven wrong. 

“So, you’re just late,” Jay says. “Is that okay? I mean, is that normal?” 

“I guess it’s not the first time,” she answers weakly. 

“How’s your stomach? Do you still feel sick?” 

“No. I don’t know,” she corrects herself. Tears burn in her eyes as she stares down at the negative sign staring back at her. “Do you think you can give me a minute?”

“Hailey.” Jay reaches out to her, but she puts her hand on his forearm and shakes her head. “I’m fine. I just want a minute.”

“Alright,” he murmurs. He blows out a heavy sigh and runs his hand gently along her waist as he steps around her. “I’ll be right outside.”

He leaves the door cracked again. Once he is on the other side, she wipes at her eyes before the tears can fall. She does not understand what she is feeling looking down at the plastic stick on the counter. Hailey was preparing herself to fall in love with something.

She bunches her tank top in her hands over her stomach, and she tries to convince herself that the connection she feels does not exist. They do not exist. With a quick swipe, she pushes the test into the trash. Life goes on, just as it was one hour ago before this all started. 

She gives Jay a moment alone as much as she is giving it to herself. Hailey could see each smile he bit back. He has to be disappointed, but she knows that the moment she walks out the door, he will bury it for her. 

She is right. Jay is pacing inches away from the door when she emerges from the bathroom a minute later. “Talk to me,” he presses gently. “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugs. “I… I don’t.” 

“You wanted this.” 

He realizes it so easily. Hailey had a hard time acknowledging what she did not expect, but she did. Through the fear and the uncertainty, she was ready to love the little bit of them growing inside her. “I didn’t think I would,” she says honestly. “Not like this.” 

A small smile grows on his face. Jay reaches out to hold her waist, and he pulls her to him. “Why don’t we start trying?” He suggests. “I mean really trying. We can figure out the timing and make a plan to give ourselves a better shot than just leaving it up to chance.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Yeah, I do,” he answers earnestly. “I’m looking at you right now, and I’m thinking you want it too.” 

Hailey is struggling to envision some future possibility when the one today felt so strong. It still does. She has had pregnancy scares in the past- one or two, over the years- but none have felt like this. This is different. “I do want it.”

Week 6

Six days later, Hailey is still getting sick. It does not give her the mercy of consistency. One moment she was vacuuming the living room, and the next she was racing to the kitchen trash can. They were watching a movie, and she had to pause it to run to the bathroom. 

Today, she is woken up by the twisting in her gut that has become all too familiar. She is not fully awake yet when she pulls Jay’s arm from around her and stumbles out of bed. She drops to her knees and braces herself on the toilet while the sickness takes over. 

“Still?” Jay pads into the bathroom after her in his boxers with rumpled hair. He rubs the sleep from his eyes while he fills the cup she kept at her bedside with water from the bathroom sink. He kneels next to her and slips his hand under her t-shirt to rub her back. Her skin is clammy and warm. “Hail, this has been going on for a long time now.” 

They are far past the point of embarrassment. She has been sick in front of him more times than she cares to count in the past six days. Hailey flushes the toilet and collapses to sit on the bathroom floor. He wedges himself behind her so she can lean back against him, and Jay gathers her hair in his hand to get it off the back of her neck. 

“Something is different,” Hailey argues. “I told you that.”

“I know, I know you did,” Jay relents. Three days into getting sick, she told him that the test may have been wrong. He suggested they wait a bit. Let the stomach virus pass. Truthfully, he did not want to consider that the test could have been wrong only to be let down again by taking another. “I’m sorry.” 

“I’m taking another test, with or without you,” Hailey says. “I need to know.”

Jay slips his hands under her shirt again and ghosts his fingers over her stomach. He tries to feel this connection she swore she could feel. Two nights ago, half asleep, she tried to put it to words. He did not understand it then, and he does not understand it now- but he never wants her to be alone in it. 

She tucks herself back against his chest, and he drops his head to press his lips to the bend of her shoulder. “You don’t have to do anything without me,” he promises. “Maybe we should go to an urgent care clinic. They could give us a more definitive answer.” 

Hailey nods and lets her head fall back against his shoulder. She is so tired. More and more lately, she finds herself barely getting through the day. Jay tightens his arms around her and drags his lips from her shoulder up her neck. He leaves slow kisses along the way until he lingers at the curve of her jaw. “No.” Hailey laughs weakly and grips his arms. “I am disgusting right now.”

“Impossible.” 

“Yeah? We’ll see how you’re feeling when I’m nine months along and I can’t move because I have a bowling ball for a stomach. Sweaty, no sex for nine months, God-knows-what coming out of me.”

Jay freezes, and he pulls away to look her in the eyes. “You really think it’s going to be positive?”

“I’ve thought it was since last week.”

He pulls his hands from out of her shirt, but fiddles with the hem. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

Hailey shrugs and pushes up to stand on shaky legs. She makes her way to the sink to wash up for the day. “The first test didn’t instill much confidence,” she concedes. 

“Then let’s go get a second one done,” Jay agrees. He steps around her to collect his own toiletries and begin getting himself ready. He pauses with his toothbrush an inch from his mouth and meets her eyes in the mirror. “Sex wouldn’t really stop for nine months, right?”

“No,” Hailey snorts. “If it comes to it, we would just have to get a little creative towards the end.” 

“Oh, I think we could do that,” he chuckles. 

They finish getting ready. One hour, some showers, and a small breakfast later, they are pulling into an urgent care parking lot. The waiting room is empty when they walk in, and Hailey is given a clipboard of paperwork to fill out before she is called to the back by a young assistant. 

“C’mon.” She pulls Jay with her, and leaves him in the exam room when she disappears into the bathroom with a small plastic cup to take the second test. 

When she joins him again, he pulls a chair over next to his so she can sit. “How’d it go?” He asks. 

“I peed in a cup. Not much to it.” Hailey falls back into her chair. They wait in silence for a few moments that feel achingly similar to the wait last week. Except this time, she is more certain of the result than ever. She looks over at Jay, and he gives her a nervous smile. “Are you scared?”

“Terrified,” he answers softly. 

“Okay, good.” There is solace in company, she supposes. If Jay- the most level-headed person she knows- is scared, then the fear gnawing at her is not without reason. It has been him and her for years. They were never perfect and she did not love every moment, but she loved him through every moment. Hailey places her hand over his where he grips the armrest. 

Jay turns sideways in his seat to face her. “Do we want to air it out? Share what our worst fears are?”

“Oh hoh no,” Hailey breathes warily. “That’s not a box I want to open right now.” It took time and work for her to believe she could build a solid marriage despite the torn-up road map she was given growing up. But kids? She has no map for that.

“I’m afraid our kid will like you more,” Jay deadpans. 

She tries not to smile. She really does. Hailey shakes her head and looks over to find him staring back with understanding in his eyes. Jay knows when to push, but more importantly- he knows when not to. “What are you really scared of?” She asks. 

Jay opens his mouth to answer, but he is interrupted by a knock at the door and the creak of the hinges. A doctor wearing bright green cartoon scrubs walks into the room with a clipboard in her hand and a smile on her face. “Sorry if I’m interrupting.” 

“No, please.” Jay waves her further in the room. 

“Hailey Upton?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” 

The doctor sets her clipboard down on the exam table and cuts to the chase. “You’re pregnant.” 

Jay looks at Hailey, who sits motionless. “She’s pregnant?”

The doctor nudges the clipboard in front of Hailey and points out some elevated hormone levels, but each word blurs on the page in an illegible mess of black and white. “These numbers are consistent with…” she pauses to read over the paperwork Hailey filled out upon arrival, “...the date of your last period. Roughly six weeks.” 

“She’s, um- are you sure?” Jay sits on the edge of his seat. “There was a negative test at home.” 

The doctor clicks her tongue. “Home tests are great, but they aren’t a perfect science. Especially early on. You’ll need to follow up with your OB, and they will give you a more thorough examination, as well as help make any plans you may need to make for this pregnancy. Ms. Upton?”

It is only when the doctor calls on her that Hailey realizes she has not said anything. She knew. She knew . Yet, she can not find the words once the doctor begins talking about hormones and gestation. “I’m-?”

“Pregnant.” The doctor confirms. 

She has not actually said the words. For days, Hailey has been getting sick and been tired to the bone. She has lived on crackers and Gatorade and she knew why. She wrote it on her forms to check in and the word has been bouncing around in her head for a week, but she has not said it out loud.

She looks over at Jay, who waits for her to acknowledge anything. Hailey can feel her face twitching with every emotion washing over her. Fear. Excitement. Joy. Doubt. Love. “I’m pregnant,” she whispers. 

A smile breaks out on Jay’s face. “Do you think we can have the room for a minute?” He asks the doctor. 

“Sure,” she nods. “I’ll leave your paperwork with the front desk. You can check out with them when you’re ready.” 

Jay thanks her and closes the door behind her. Hailey is still in her seat with her head dropped in her hands. She looks up, and she does not know whether to laugh or to cry or both. “Holy shit.”

“I know,” he laughs. Jay squats in front of her and places his hands on the sides of her neck. It would be easy to get wrapped up in the fears right now, but he looks in her teary eyes and he just sees Hailey. Equal parts goodness and grit. If he is choosing anyone to be the mother of his children, he is so, so glad he chose her. “I’m happy,” he stammers. “I’m so happy. Are you?”

She is everything. Everything at once- but yeah, happy is part of it. She nods, and his mouth is on hers immediately. Hailey can feel the smile on his lips, and there is a saltiness in their kiss from tears that came from him. Or from her. Maybe from both of them- it is hard to tell in this moment. 

“We’re mom and dad.” Jay whispers it so quietly against her. 

There are a lot of titles Hailey has garnered for herself unexpectedly. Detective, partner, wife… mom. She never dreamed about it, hardly planned on it- but it is here all the same. Mom. Mom and dad.

Week 12

“No weird cravings, right?” 

Jay asks sarcastically as he walks into the kitchen in the early morning before work. Hailey sits at the counter with a bag of baby carrots and ranch dressing in front of her. She felt sick for another month after she found out she was pregnant, but has since developed the welcome ability to keep a meal down. Sometimes.

She is twelve weeks now, roughly one-third of the way through, and she likes to pretend everything is smooth. No symptoms. “Nope.”

Jay reaches out to tap the jar of peanut butter she is sneaking spoonfuls from in between bites of the carrot. “Are you sure?”

Hailey slides the peanut butter back towards herself and screws on the lid. “This isn’t that weird,” she argues. “I’ve got it handled.”

“Stronger than the cravings,” Jay mocks. “That’s the most Hailey thing I’ve ever heard.” 

“The world doesn’t need to fall at my feet just because I’m pregnant.” She tosses the bag of carrots back into the refrigerator and leans back against the counter. “I don’t need any kind of special treatment.”

He takes a long, slow sip of his coffee and raises his eyebrows at her over the rim of his Rangers mug. Hailey fiddles with the collar of her blue button up shirt uncomfortably. Deny it as she might, some special treatment was needed. 

She gave notice immediately after the appointment to confirm her pregnancy, and at eight weeks along, she was detailed to OEMC. 

Jay could argue that he has also given her special treatment by driving to the grocery store late at night three times in the past week, but he keeps his mouth shut. He watched her be sick for months, cramping and uncomfortable. With every day that passes, they swear they can feel the smallest bump forming. Hailey is doing the work and he is reaping the benefits, so he will fall at her feet even if the world does not. 

“Alright,” he hums smugly. He swallows the last sip of coffee and rinses his mug in the sink. Sitting at the bottom is a half-full mug of the decaf coffee she tries every morning, but never finishes. He washes both and sets them on the rack. 

Jay tends to leave earlier than she does most days. He is leaving before her and coming home after. It is easy to miss her when the desk across from him sits empty and someone else rides in his passenger seat, but every now and again she will text him a picture of a piece of fruit the size of their baby or a name she likes. It makes the loneliness worth it. 

“Will you be home a little earlier today?” Hailey follows him towards the front door while he pulls on his jacket and laces his boots. “You’ve had some late nights this week.”

“I should be.” Jay pockets his keys and turns to say goodbye. “Try to send us some of the easy calls, will you?”

“Mmmm, sure.” She stands on her toes to kiss him before he goes. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” Jay drags his thumb low over her stomach and smirks against her lips. “Both of my girls.” 

“You’re still on that?” 

He presses one last quick kiss to the corner of her mouth before stepping back towards the door. “What can I say? I just know.”

“Sure,” Hailey laughs. “I’m pretty sure if you just knew, you would have known they existed when I did.” 

Jay pauses with one foot out the door. He tries to look upset, but he can not fake it when she raises her eyebrows at him and glides her hand over her barely-there bump. His girls. Or his girl and his boy. He does not really care, but he has made a habit of picturing a little girl with Hailey’s smile. “That was a low blow,” he jokes. 

“I’ve blown lower.”

“Jesus, alright,” Jay scoffs and waves her off as he slips out of the apartment. “I’ll see you later.” 

They go their separate ways for the day. Hailey never expected to be okay stepping away from the action, but she never had something worth stepping away for. She will not be away forever. It is something she contemplates frequently during her long hours at an OEMC desk. How long will she be away once the baby is born? How long will Jay? How will she know it is time to go back?

She does not have answers for any of it. All she knows is that she will go back, and the job will be waiting for her when she does.

For now, she is content to keep her head down. Long days at a desk are easier to get through when it means being safe with this baby she has grown to love over the past couple months.  

The sun is setting after another day as Hailey walks out of headquarters. She pulls her coat tight around her shoulders, the chill of the April air cutting through the seams. She watches her step as she navigates small piles of snow that collected in a late-in-season storm. Her eyes are trained on the ground when she hears Jay’s voice. 

“If you don’t look up, I’m going to be left standing here like an idiot.” He is leaning against the side of his truck, parked three spaces away from her own car. There is no radio or badge hanging from his hip, and he twirls his key ring around his finger. 

“Hi,” Hailey smiles. “What are you doing here?” 

He shrugs. “Maybe I missed you.”

She rolls her eyes and gags jokingly. It has been about ten hours since they last saw each other. She will not deny that they would rather be together than apart during the day, but they are not that bad . “What are you really doing here?”

“I want to take you somewhere.”

“In my uniform?”

“I have a sweatshirt you can change into. That’s all you need.” Jay opens the passenger side door for her to climb in if she wants to. Hailey is curious enough to agree, so she tosses her bag into the back seat and takes her spot in his truck. 

She works on unbuttoning her shirt while he drives. Jay has not acknowledged the subtle ways her body is changing, even if they do have him staring a second longer these days. All of her soft edges are rounder. Hailey has been hot and cold on how much she wants to be touched lately- but mostly cold- so he grips the wheel and digs his fingernails into his palm. 

“You’re staring.” She does not even have to look up from undoing the last button to know it is true. 

“My wife is shirtless in my passenger seat. I’m pretty sure staring is my job.” 

Hailey pulls the sweatshirt over her head and laughs softly. He is looking at her in the same way that got them into this situation to begin with- but they have not gone much further than kissing for weeks while she felt sick or watched her body change in ways she is not used to. “It has been a while, hasn’t it?” 

“Hailey-”

“No, it has. We can acknowledge that. I’ve heard that pregnancy makes some women want sex more often,” she admits. “I don’t know why the opposite is happening to me.”

“Don’t start apologizing.”

“I’m not,” Hailey clarifies. She reaches over to run her hand along the nape of his neck, her fingers sliding into his hair when he leans back into her touch. “But I do miss you.”

“And I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” He tugs her hand down and tangles their fingers in his lap. “There is so much other stuff we can do until then. Like tonight.”

Hailey was so focused on changing that she did not pay much attention to where they were going. Jay gets on the Interstate heading out of the city. In the distance, she can see where the bright lights give way to more rural, open spaces. “Where are we going?”

He waves his hand haphazardly. “Somewhere out there.” 

“Is that your way of telling me it’s a surprise?”

“Not really, no.” Jay points to the backseat, and she notices a small ice chest and some blankets she had not seen before. “I brought some food. I figured we could do a little picnic of sorts to celebrate, since we haven’t really celebrated the baby yet.” 

The pages and pages of sneakily sweet things Jay does are almost always written between the lines. Hailey has been sick and finicky with food, uncomfortable and uncharacteristically self-conscious in public, so he packed up their celebration and is driving it away from the crowds. It makes her want to cry, but a lot does these days. 

They drive for forty-five minutes more until they pass by a wooded park preserve off the side of the highway. “How about here?” Jay asks. 

“Does here mean we get to eat?”

“Yes,” he chuckles. Jay swings the truck off of the Interstate and into a campground parking lot that is empty in the off-season. He backs into a spot so the bed of the truck faces west towards the sun setting behind a grove of trees. 

Hailey grabs the blankets and he grabs the food. She lays one blanket across the truck bed to soften the hard plastic shell, and she wraps the other around her shoulders. 

“Wait, let me in there.” Jay pushes the ice chest up next to her and climbs in. Hailey offers him half of the blanket, and they sit side by side in the open bed of the truck with a blanket cocooning them, watching the sun disappear and a scattering of stars come out for the night. 

There is a light breeze cutting through the trees, but it is a little warmer outside of the city now that they are farther from the icy lake shore. “It’s beautiful out here,” Hailey notes, watching the last bits of sunlight reflect off of undisturbed snow. “How long have you been planning this?”

“Not long.” Jay drags the food closer to himself and begins digging in the chest. “I wanted you to feel a bit more like yourself again before we celebrated. I just figured it’s been a long week, we both needed to get away for a night.” 

Against her best resistance, a lump forms in Hailey’s throat. She tries to swallow it down, but it persists. She does not understand what it is that always has her on the verge of tears other than that she feels so far from herself. 

The first thing Jay pulls out of the cooler is a carton of chocolate milk, and that is enough to distract her at least for a moment. “Whatcha got there?” She teases with as much levity as she can muster. 

He is already smiling, because he knew she would question it. “You have not been liking coffee lately, and you’ve been asking for chocolate so…” he holds the chocolate milk out on display, “...two birds, one stone.”

“That’s for kids.”

“Then it’s a good thing you’re carrying one.” 

He is treating her like her weird habits these days are not weird at all, and that makes the lump in her throat worse. Hailey wants normalcy. She wants to feel like she is not demanding too much, changing too much. She takes the cup of chocolate milk he offers, but that lump grows when he begins pulling food out of the ice chest. 

Peanut butter sandwiches. Carrots. Those crumbly granola bars. Dried mango. It is all the food she has asked for in the past week. 

It is so sweet. So sweet. Yet none of it looks good anymore. 

She tries to shove the nausea down and carry on. Carrots are her best bet, so she pulls one from the bag and begins to munch. “You don’t want more than that?” Jay asks after a couple minutes of her avoiding everything else. 

“I will.”

“You don’t want it,” he realizes. 

She should have known he knows her too damn well to get away with this. “It’s fine,” Hailey promises. “I can eat it.”

“What do you want?”

“Nothing,” she asserts. “This. I want this.” 

“You don’t want this,” Jay argues. “What do you want?”

“Jay, it’s fine. I can eat this now, and maybe we can grab a pizza on the way home, too.” 

Pizza. Jay pulls his phone out of his back pocket and searches for the closest pizza shop that will deliver to an empty campground parking lot. He may not be able to carry their baby or give birth, but he can get Hailey the food she wants when she wants it while she does.

“I don’t want you to have to bend over backwards for me,” Hailey asserts after he hangs up with the pizza shop. He ordered one to share- half with her favorite toppings and half without any, just in case. 

“You’re joking, right?”

“No,” she argues. “I’m tired of feeling different because I can’t eat what I usually eat or I'm not comfortable in my own body. I want to be treated normally so I can just go back to normal.” 

The argument is flawed, and she knows it. No amount of normal treatment will make the peanut butter sandwiches in front of her look any better, and it certainly has not been able to stop that lump from growing in her throat again. 

He chuckles quietly and squeezes her thigh under the blanket. “Can I let you in on a secret?”

“What?”

“You’re pregnant.” 

“Stop,” Hailey complains, but he throws his hands out as if to say it is the truth.

“You are,” he laughs. “This is all very normal stuff, Hailey. You can ask the rest of the world to pretend it’s not happening, but that’s not me. I’m going to get you pizza and tell you that yes, your body is changing, and it’s pretty hot.” 

She looks at him with an air of helplessness in her eyes. “I don’t know if I can do this for nine months.” The moment the words leave her mouth, he cocks his head at her with a plea to be serious. If there is anyone who can do this for nine months, it is her. If there is anyone who can do anything, it is her. Hailey closes her eyes, takes a deep breath to collect herself, realizes what she said, and can not help but to laugh under her breath.

“Are you good?” Jay asks. 

“Yes.”

“You got that out of your system?”

“Yes,” she repeats. 

“Okay,” he smiles, “because there is no world in which you can’t do this.”

“Do you miss the person I was before I was pregnant?” She asks the last question he expects her to ask, but she does. Hailey misses being able to eat a typical meal with him, or to have him touch her without feeling like she needs to recoil. She misses feeling in control. She misses feeling like herself, and he must miss his wife. He has to.

“I miss seeing you happy,” Jay answers. “Actually happy- not the smile you’re putting on for everyone else to convince them this pregnancy isn’t affecting you.” 

That lump in her throat returns, and she had no idea how much pretending that being pregnant did not affect her was also affecting him. 

“Tell you what,” Jay continues, “why don’t you give me one week- one week where you just lean in. Stop fighting everything so hard. Don’t beat yourself up for having a craving, let me get it for you. Remind yourself that your body is doing a ridiculously cool thing, and if you want to cry, just cry. Don’t swallow it.”

She hates this idea. Hailey really, really hates it- but she loves this baby, and she loves him. “Okay,” she agrees. 

So, she tries. For a week after that sat in the truck bed eating pizza and drinking chocolate milk, she leans in. It does not make the cravings go away and she does not magically love every place her body is changing, but she gives herself grace not to resist it. Slowly, not resisting it becomes acceptance. 

Even slower than that, bit by bit, one symptom after another, acceptance becomes appreciation that lasts much longer than the one week he asked for.

Week 17

Hailey can not sleep. She feels the warmth of his chest under her cheek and the brush of his bare skin against hers. She spent weeks avoiding being touched, and now she can not remember what that felt like because all she does is want. 

At seventeen weeks, her bump is a little bigger and a little more noticeable, but it can still fit comfortably in between them when she tucks herself into his side every night. Without opening her eyes, she turns her head an inch to attach her lips to his chest. 

Jay fell asleep first. He stirs groggily, but does not wake while she tangles their legs under the covers. Every place he touches her feels good, and with every touch she finds herself wanting more. Hailey wiggles her way forward until her lips meet his neck, and she sucks a light mark over his pulse point. 

“You’re gonna kill me,” Jay groans, still half asleep. “You’re actually gonna kill me.” 

“Are you saying no?”

His eyes open slowly, and his face breaks out into a lazy, sleepy smile. “I’m saying a guy only has so much stamina.” 

Hailey purses her lips and runs her fingers through his hair. “That didn’t sound like a no.”

He tosses his head back on the pillow and laughs. Hailey’s aversion to being touched lasted a couple more weeks after that night in the truck. One day, he came home to find her inspecting her stomach in the mirror. He walked up behind her and ran his fingers gently over her skin, and she did not stop him. While he whispered that she was beautiful, he was not sure she heard a word as his fingers danced to her chest. She was more reactive, more sensitive. 

She has only wanted to be touched since. “I didn’t say no,” Jay agrees. He rolls over her and balances on his elbows. “Do you want to be on top or is this still okay?”

Hailey stretches out under him until her hands brush the headboard and her feet point. “This is good,” she smiles. Every move he makes sends a shock from the tips of her fingers to the bottom of her toes. “This is really good.” 

It is a moment of connection amidst a few days where Jay has seemed distant. It all began in the obstetrician’s office. It was an overly cheery place in the way that makes a medical setting feel juvenile. There were cartoon babies and animals and baby animals on the wallpaper that stretched around the room. Toys littered the floor. 

Doctor Muran, though, is all things good. She is caring and attentive, professional and understanding in the way that made Hailey choose her despite the ambiance of her office.

They arrived at Hailey's appointment, eager to hear the baby’s heartbeat again. It was one of the most surreal moments of their first appointment- that split second when the whoosh whoosh whoosh filled the room. 

After the ultrasound tech displayed the image on the screen, they stared. Mesmerized. It was not much more than a black and white blur on the monitor, but they could see the swish of an arm and the silhouette of their little face. They were perfect. 

Even when Dr. Muran noted that the baby was a little bit small for seventeen weeks, they were perfect. 

“They take after you,” Jay whispered, and Hailey laughed nervously as the doctor pointed out a tiny foot on the screen. Those pitter-pattering footsteps she imagined all those months ago had their source. Piece by piece, the images they conjured up of their baby came together in quick black and white blurs. Little feet, scrunched hands, a button nose. Perfect. 

Dr. Muran asked if they wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl, and Jay deferred to Hailey. She asked for the sex to be written on a piece of paper and stuck in an envelope for them to take home. At the right moment, they could find out together.

As Hailey got ready to leave with the envelope in her hand, the doctor put her clipboard on the exam table, smiled, and said, “You’re almost halfway there.”

Jay has been withdrawn since.

Hailey finally falls asleep with her head next to his on the pillow. Labored breathing mellows to a steady, slow rhythm. He is not mad. She knows his tells when he is angry, sad, frustrated. It is none of that. 

He is still him, steady and calm- but he is somehow… off. She feels it in the way he holes himself up in the spare bedroom they are turning into a nursery. Hailey really feels it when she wakes up in the middle of the night- 3:21 am in bright red letters on her bedside clock- to a pounding on the other side of the apartment. 

She runs her hand over the empty spot on the bed where Jay should be. His discarded t-shirt is still twisted amongst the blankets, so Hailey pulls it on, wraps a thin sheet around her shoulders, and follows the bright beams of light that seep from the doorway into the nursery. 

Jay is inside on his hands and knees. Wooden slats are strewn across the floor, just beginning to take shape into a crib. He looks up suddenly when she eases the door open. “I’m sorry,” he sighs. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“Then you shouldn’t have used a hammer,” Hailey responds. He keeps working to nail together the side of the wooden crib so she steps into the room and sets a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” she says firmly, and it finally makes him stop. “Hit pause for a second.” 

“I’m sorry. I was on a roll, and I wanted to get this done tonight.” 

She looks around the room and sees the progress he has made in a short time. “You assembled the chair,” she observes. The last time Hailey saw this room, they were spreading a light green paint on the walls together. Now a large recliner sits in the corner amidst the mess of wood and nails. 

“Yeah, I… yeah.”

“It looks good,” she smiles weakly. “Come take a break and sit with me.”

“Hailey, it’s the middle of the night.”

“You don’t say,” she scoffs. 

Jay drops his head, but agrees when she walks farther into the room instead of going back to bed. She sits back in the chair, but he makes her scoot forward so he can slip behind her. The last thing he wants to do is lean back against her right now. He does not know how much jostling a baby can take at this point. How much she can take. He is realizing more and more that he does not know much of anything, and the clock that was once counting up in her pregnancy now feels like it is counting down. Fast. 

He squeezes into the recliner behind her so she can sit between his legs, and he winds his arms around her chest when her head falls back to its familiar place on his shoulder. “You’re freaking out a little bit, aren’t you?” She asks bluntly. 

Yes. “No,” he answers. 

Her shallow laugh tells him she is not convinced. “Then do you have an answer for why you’re building a crib at 3 in the morning?”

“There is so much that needs to be done. The doctor said we’re about halfway there. It’s going so fast, and I don’t feel ready.” His voice hitches with his last words. “I don’t feel ready,” he repeats- the emotion suppressed in his voice.

Thinly-veiled excuses can not hide the truth. Hailey cranes her neck to kiss the underside of his jaw before tucking her head under his chin. “I know,” she answers softly. The images of their baby on the screen will soon be a living, breathing person in this room with them, and she has not felt completely ready for one moment since the test came back positive. 

“Do you remember at urgent care, you wanted to air everything out? You asked what my biggest fear was,” Hailey continues.

“MmmHmm.” 

“Let’s have that conversation.” 

Jay reaches to the side and pulls the lever to release the footrest of the chair. They could be here a while. “You go first.”

“Okay,” Hailey says slowly. “I’m afraid my past is going to affect this baby like it affects you.” Jay cocks his head like he has no idea what she is talking about, but she has seen it for years. He has learned to be careful with her and needed to develop more patience than he knew he could have. He has learned her limits and how to love her in ways dictated by her past. 

She holds onto his forearms when he squeezes her tighter. “I still struggle sometimes. I probably always will. I know you’re an adult and you chose this.” Hailey pauses. “This baby didn’t get a choice. That’s my biggest fear- that the parts of my past that I carry are going to affect them.”

Jay does not think for more than a second before answering. “I hope they do.” 

“Don’t say that-”

“-Wait. Hear me out,” he urges. “I don’t want to create a perfect world for them. I want to raise a good person. I’m a better person because I know you. All of you. If knowing all of you will help them learn compassion and understanding, then yeah- I hope they do.” 

Hailey shakes her head, her hair tickling his neck. “I just hate the idea of the baby being another thing my parents can reach,” she says, and she is surprised to feel the vibration of Jay’s laugh against her. “What could possibly be funny?” 

“Nothing, just the irony,” he hums. “I’m afraid I’m going to be too much like my dad.”

“How so?”

“Like… I didn’t understand it while I was growing up- this notion that he could have all of these expectations of us before we were born- but I do.” From the moment Jay first saw the idea of their baby become a little person on the screen, he wanted everything for them. Everything he never had. “I see them going to college and living a good, normal life. I have all of these ideas of things I want them to have or to do, and they’re not even here yet. I’m afraid I’m going to put all of those expectations on them.” 

“So maybe I’ll tell you if you’re ever pushing too hard, and you tell me if I’m ever trying to shield them from too much. Together, we might just raise a functional person,” Hailey jokes dryly. “I don’t think anyone ever feels ready, Jay. I know I don’t- but I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else.”

He tries to pull her closer, but she is already as close as she can get. Jay never knew he could love someone like this. Now this love has led them to a new love. Wildly different, but just as strong. He does not have the words for every new emotion brewing inside of him, but he knows he does not want to do this with anyone else either. 

He presses his lips to her hair and leans his head against hers. “I hope they look like you,” he whispers.

She chuckles and pulls her blanket higher over both of them. “I think they’ll be blond. You had blond hair as a kid, right?”

“Yeah, but it didn’t last long.” 

“They could have red hair,” she suggests.

“Don’t put that out into the universe.” 

“What?” Hailey’s chuckle grows into a full-on laugh. “It would be cute.”

“Adorable,” Jay agrees. “But Will would never let us hear the end of it. Never.” 

She hums happily. “Do you still think it’s a girl?”

Jay looks around the light green nursery and tries to picture a mixture of both of them running around. He does not picture this imaginary little girl anymore. He sees the grainy, blurry baby from the ultrasound. “I don’t know,” he answers. He glances at Dr. Muran’s envelope sitting on the dresser in the corner of the room. “Do you want to find out?” 

Ready or not, this baby is coming. Kim once told Hailey that parents are the best or worst lottery in the world. While they may never feel truly ready, they begin counting down days with the confidence that their baby is loved, first and foremost. 

They open the envelope together to find Dr. Muran’s writing scribbled inside. 

It’s a boy!

Week 25

“Hailey?”

“In the living room.” 

Jay kicks off his shoes and follows her voice into the apartment. “Are you ready to do this?” He crosses into the living room in a few quick, eager steps. 

Hailey sits sideways on the couch with her back propped up against an armrest. She has an empty plate on the table next to her. “Slow down,” she chuckles. “Get some food first.” 

There are some dishes of food she left on the counter for him to grab when he got home from work. She got home at her normal time, he got sent all the way across town to meet with a CI. It is late, and he has been antsy all day. “Did you get enough to eat?” Jay asks as he begins filling his plate. 

“Yeah,” Hailey answers. “Can you just get me one more piece of bread?”

“Sure.”

“Maybe more salad, too.” 

Jay tilts his head at her and lets his plate slide onto the kitchen counter. He approaches the couch and reaches out. “Hand it over.” 

She gives him her plate so he can get her a second portion of… everything. She is six months along. When she is not hungry, she is eating and when she is not eating, she is hungry again in ten minutes. “Thank you,” Hailey smiles. 

“Of course.” He gets food for them both and joins her on the couch. He sits across from her with his back on the opposite arm rest, their feet bumping in the middle. She takes the plate from his hands and rests it on her bump. “It took you six months to be able to do that, huh?”

“It’s handy,” Hailey shrugs.

“It’s cute,” he laughs, and he ignores the annoyed look she gives him. “Did you have a good day?”

“An easy day.”

“Are you going a little stir crazy?”

He expected her to. Honestly, she expected herself to. It was always the mental side of slowing down that she hated, but she has had so much on her mind lately that it does not feel much like slowing down at all. 

“Not terribly,” Hailey admits. “I had something to distract me today.” She points to a piece of paper that sits on the coffee table next to her. On it, there is a written list of names she has been jotting down for weeks. 

Baby names- because they need to finally name him. Their boy. He has only been “Baby” since they knew of him. Occasionally, Jay might call him “Buddy”. They have been texting random names back and forth or suggesting them while half-asleep. So, they decided they needed to write them down, sit on the couch, and not get up again until they had chosen one.

Jay digs in his back pocket and pulls out a blank case report with his own list of names written on the back. “Kevin wanted to add some suggestions,” he jokes. “You know, just in case we want to name the baby Kevin.” 

“Oh, of course,” Hailey laughs. 

“So it’s settled, then.” Jay plays along while he picks at his food. “Kevin Halstead.”

“Perfect.” She rolls her eyes and sets her now-empty plate aside. “I guess while we’re talking about names, I should tell you that I’m going to legally add Halstead to mine. Unless you have any grand objections to that.” 

Jay pauses with the fork hovering near his mouth. They had talked about her adding his name when they got married, but it was never something she felt she needed to do. She was not against it and she would never correct someone if they assumed, but she was Upton at work and that would not change, so she opted not to change her name at all. “Of course I’m okay with that,” he answers. “Is that what you want?”

Hailey takes a deep breath while she stretches her arms over her head, and drops them to her lap with a sharp exhale. “Yeah. I, um, I don’t want to give the baby a hyphenated last name. I don’t feel like I need to pass the Upton name on at all, but I want to match with our family.” 

Their family. Jay smiles and taps his foot against hers. “You may still have to be Upton at work, though.”

“I know,” she nods. “But everywhere else…”

“Hailey Halstead.” Jay can not keep the wide grin off of his face as he finishes the last of his food and sets his plate to the side next to hers. “So now that we’ve named you,” he unfolds his paper to read over his list, “let’s name this baby.” 

Hailey unfolds her own list. “You go first.” 

“Sebastian?”

She throws her head back dramatically. “Still?” He had definitely already suggested that name, and she had definitely already vetoed it. “Why do you want to name our baby after a lobster so bad?”

Jay looks like he might argue, but pauses. “He’s a crab.” 

“Does it matter?” 

“If you’re going to say no, at least be right about it,” he counters. “It’s a common name, are you telling me that you think of a crab every time you meet a man named Sebastian?”

“No, but with our kid, I would.” 

He wants to push back. He really does- but they have an agreement on no. They both have to love the name. No pressure to agree, no overriding the other. “Fine.” Jay reluctantly crosses the name from his list. “Your turn.” 

“Asher?”

“No.”

“You’re just saying that to be spiteful.” 

“I’m not,” Jay argues. Hailey had suggested this name before, too. She claimed that it had special meaning since she was listening to the meteorologist Summer Ash on the radio when she first suspected she was pregnant. He could be convinced that the meaning was significant if he liked the name, but he can not come around to it. It is too… trendy? He tries to come up with the right description. Modern? Either way, it is not them. “I just don’t like it.” 

He watches her cross the name off of her list. “Give me something new,” she requests. 

“Henry?”

“You do remember that Henry is Voight’s real name, right?”

“Shit.” Jay crosses it off.

“How about Wyatt?”

He pauses for a second to roll the name around in his head. It is the first suggestion they have not been completely at odds over. “Wyatt,” he repeats. “I don’t mind it.”

Hailey clicks her pen and begins making a new list. A maybe list. 

The back and forth goes on for several minutes while they throw names at each other. Nathan. Silas. Ian. Beau. Slowly, the names are crossed out or sorted into the new list. Miles. Nicolas. Christopher. Cade. Collin.

Eventually, the names begin to run together and nothing feels right. “We are getting nowhere,” Hailey groans. 

“Okay.” Jay puts his hands up and suggests a new approach. “Let’s back off the first name for a couple minutes and focus on his middle.” 

She turns her paper face-side down and runs her foot along his ankle gently. “I was kind of hoping we could give him your middle name.” 

The idea of using a family name had definitely occurred to Jay, he just never thought it would be one of his. He pictured maybe using William or finding a way to modify Kathleen, after his mom. “You want to use Alexander?”

“Yeah,” Hailey nods. “I want to pass that down again, if you do.” The middle name was not just Jay’s, it was his father’s and his grandfather’s before that. They were not perfect men- none of them- but perhaps there is something to tradition and giving their son a sense of belonging with his family he will otherwise never know. 

“I- okay,” Jay agrees. For his father and his grandfather. “Let’s use Alexander. I wish we could give him something from you, too.” 

She smiles weakly but shakes her head. “I don’t want to give him Hailey or Anne, and we’re not giving him Upton. It’s fine.” 

As quickly as they got off the topic of first names, they find themselves back on it. Liam. Thomas. Noah. Calvin. “Okay, Calvin is a no.” Jay crosses it off of his list. “How about Callan? Similar, but a bit more unique.” 

“Waaaay too close to Callum.” Hailey looks at him with her eyebrows raised. It is shocking that it has taken them this long to run into this issue- a name from a case. A case that is so horrific they cannot possibly use the name. There have been some they recognize and have come across at work in the past, but this is a different situation. It is a no.

“Ugh, okay you’re right,” Jay concedes. They are in the unique position that their work will eliminate a lot of names. A lot. “So, Ryan is out.” He automatically dismisses his undercover name. “Or any version of Ricky.” 

“Also Riley,” Hailey adds. 

"We should just say a blanket ‘no’ to any name that begins with R .” 

“Wait, I have an R name that I like.” 

“Okay.” Jay runs his hands through his hair and prepares to hear another name they will find something wrong with. “Let’s hear it.” 

“Rowan.” 

He… does not hate it. He might actually like it. It flows, it feels like them. “Rowan,” he repeats, testing out how it feels rolling off of his tongue. There is no lightbulb moment that screams that this is the name, but perhaps there was never meant to be one. 

Rowan.

Rowan Halstead. 

Perhaps a name is just that. A name they both like, and will no doubt love when it belongs to their son. “I like it.” 

“You do?”

“Are you shocked?” Jay laughs. 

“I don’t know, I just never thought we would really agree on something.” 

He tries out the name in his head a couple more times. In an effort to find anything he does not like about it, he comes up empty. “Why don’t we call him that for a while?” Jay suggests. “We still have a little time before we need to know for sure, but we can use it for a test run to see how it feels.” 

So, they start calling him Rowan. Jay smiles as the name leaves his mouth that night when he talks to Hailey’s belly, and she smiles back when she counts the times Rowan kicks her in the ribs. 

They imagine the name in decorative block letters across his wall. On the back of sports jerseys and in the program of a school play. It will be on the top of his homework, on his medical papers, on job applications, and- one day- perhaps part of his own kid’s name. They have to get it right. 

Hailey falls asleep that night with a small smile on her face. Their baby has a name. In just a few more short months, their baby will be here and they will give him his name officially. He will grow up hearing it and hopefully loving it as much as they will. 

Jay watches her fall asleep in the dim glow of moonlight in their bedroom. It still amazes him that they are here. He feels her belly bump against him throughout the night, and sometimes he scoots closer just to feel their son move. He lays there with their baby in between them and imagines a time that they will do this with an infant, a toddler, a child. 

Jay softly runs his hand over Hailey’s stomach, hoping for some movement in the uncharacteristically naive hope that the baby will somehow tell him he approves of the name. He feels a small kick. 

“Hi, Rowan,” he whispers. Something about the way the name hangs in the quiet room makes him stop. “Rowan,” he says again slowly. Then, he realizes. “Oh, my God,” Jay gasps. “Hailey.” 

“No,” she grumbles because she does not want to wake up.

“Hailey.”

“Go to sleep.” 

“Hailey,” he repeats. “We can’t use this name.” 

“Why?” She complains. They had finally figured it out. 

“It sounds just like Owen. That’s already taken.” 

Hailey puts her hands over her face and groans loudly into her palms. She gets all of her frustration out, takes a deep breath, and looks him in the eye. Jay is right, they can not use it. “Just go to sleep,” she says. 

Their baby is back to being “Baby”, and at this rate he will be “Baby” forever.

Week 31

“This is so cute.”

Hailey stops to grab another piece of clothing off the rack. The third piece in about thirty seconds. Jay turns to find her holding a purple and white dress. 

“It’s also from the girl’s section for a kid that is…” he pauses to read the tag, “...between 12 and 18 months old. We have neither.” 

“It has polka dots,” she notes. “We could always get it and hold onto it for the future.”

“Can we have one kid before we start dressing another?”

Hailey huffs but puts the dress back on the rack. “Fine,” she agrees, and crosses the aisle of the department store to the baby boy’s section. Every piece of clothing she passes makes her want to grab a matching set and put them in the cart. Dr. Muran referred to this sudden urge to collect and prepare as nesting, and she assured it is perfectly normal for someone in their third trimester. 

“Here we go.” She finds the rack of newborn outfits, and runs her fingers over the soft fabric. They already have plenty of clothes for him that they have bought or been gifted over the past seven months, but she is looking for one more piece.

“I thought we were shopping for stuff to go in the hospital bag,” Jay questions. 

“This would go in the hospital bag. It would be his going home outfit.” 

“ Going home outfit?” Jay repeats, confused. 

“Yes… the outfit he would go home in.”

He scratches his head and eyes two of the tiny onesies she picks up. “Is this really a thing?” He asks. “Or is this just something the internet says we need?”

“My God,” Hailey scoffs. “Can you be any more cynical? What happened to the man who bought all of my craving foods? I want him back.”

“Apparently he had no idea what kind of precedent he was setting.”

Hailey cocks her head in annoyance, and she lets the comment slide because they both know it is not true. She holds out two outfits. “Do you like the gray stripes or the solid red more?”

Defeated, he chooses. “Gray stripes.”

“Perfect.” She tosses the outfit in the cart and checks another item off of the list on her phone. They are almost done checking off boxes from the list of recommended items the doctor gave her today. Toiletries for her? Yes. Bottles? Yes. Blanket, pajamas, snacks? Yes, yes, and yes. 

Jay watches her scroll through the list over her shoulder. “Oh, it wasn’t the internet that suggested all this,” he realizes. “It was Dr. Muran.”

Something about his tone feels pointed. Stilted, almost. Then she remembers he would not know Dr. Muran gave her this information, because he was not allowed in her appointment today. “Is that why you’re in such a bad mood?”

“I’m not in a bad mood.”

“Well, you’re not exactly sunshine right now.”

“I don’t understand why they kicked me out of the appointment at all. Am I not a parent too?”

“Of course you are, but-” She stops herself before she says something even more sarcastic when he really may not know. Hailey assumed he did, given their line of work and the things they have seen. “You really don’t know why some obstetricians have mother-only appointments?”

“No.” 

She blows out a heavy sigh and tucks her phone into her back pocket. “Statistically,” Hailey says slowly, “incidents of domestic violence can increase during pregnancies. It’s common for doctors to want to see the mother alone at least once so they can get them help, if they need it.” 

Any rigidity Jay had in his stance melts away, and his face softens. “Well, now I feel like an ass.”

“It’s fine,” she assures. “It’s probably a good thing to know, though. Given work and all. It’s not like we made any important decisions without you. He’s healthy, he’s growing. Still a little small, but Dr. Muran doesn’t seem too concerned.” 

“Okay, well, we’ll just hit up a buffet or something,” Jay jokes. “How many more items do you have on the list?”

She pulls her phone back out and scrolls. “Two.” Hailey turns on her heel and leads them farther into the baby section. “This way.” 

She scans shelves and shelves of pacifiers until she finds a set that seems to be right. Jay nods when she holds them out in question because honestly, they all look the same. Next, she moves farther down the aisle and begins inspecting some products he is not familiar with. 

“I know the hospital provides these, but I’ve heard store-bought ones can be better quality,” Hailey says.

He leans closer. They are plastic bottles- seemingly for water- with a long, bending spout on top. “What am I looking at?”

“Peri bottles,” Hailey answers. “They’re for me. They help rinse… everything out down there after birth.”

Jay winces. “Oh.” He picks up one of the boxes and reads the instructions. Each word sounds worse than the last. “You ought to see if there’s some kind of numbing agent you can put in here,” he suggests, and Hailey chuckles quietly. “At least during the birth you get the epidural.”

She tosses a box in the cart. “I’m not getting an epidural.”

“Wait, what?”

“I don’t want one.”

“Why on earth not?”

“I didn’t know you’d be so eager to stick a needle in my back,” Hailey snorts. “Dr. Muran and I talked about it, and I decided no.”

“Didn’t you just say you didn’t make any decisions today?”

“Well okay, I made this one,” Hailey concedes. She pulls the cart to the side of the aisle, clearing the walkway if they are going to have this conversation here. “But it’s my decision. There are a lot of things that you have equal say on. Pretty much everything else- but this is my call.”

“I get that,” Jay argues, “but shouldn’t we at least talk about it?”

“There isn’t much to talk about.”

“I don’t want to see you in a ton of pain if it can be avoided.”

Hailey laughs. “It’s gonna hurt,” she shrugs, “but I want to be able to move around. Walk, bounce, squat. I don’t want to be bound to a bed the whole time. I will put the baby first in any decision I make, and right now this is the one I’m making.” 

“Are you at least open to changing the plan if you need to?”

She narrows her eyes at him. “Yes.” She pulls the cart in front of her again and begins making her way out of the aisle, turning her head over her shoulder to finish her thought. “But that doesn’t mean you should try to persuade me until I change my mind.”

He follows on her heels as she makes her way to check out, but she makes sure to stay one step ahead so the topic drops. They unload the cart onto the checkout counter, and Hailey reaches to the candy display to pick out the chocolates she has made a habit of buying. 

They do not say much as they finish up at the store. It is a well rehearsed dance of loading and unloading bags from the car and schlepping them up to the apartment. Jay disappears into the nursery, and Hailey takes a seat on the couch to catch her breath and begin packing their hospital bag. 

This stage of pregnancy has been hard, and she is struggling to imagine how she still has two and a half months left to get bigger and more out of breath until this baby arrives. She unloads items one at a time, tucking them into their own pocket of the hospital bag. When she reaches the box of chocolates, she pries it open and dumps some in her hand. 

Jay walks out of the nursery and spots her having a snack. “Can I have some?”

“No, you’re annoying me today.” 

He throws his head back and laughs, deep and loud. Jay walks over and leans over the back of the couch behind her to press his lips to the first bit of skin he finds. He kisses the spot low on her neck that makes her scrunch her shoulders up. “Does it help if I say I love you?”

“No.” She answers, but she cracks a small smile and holds the box of candy out to dump some in his palm. They have loved each other for a long time and in a lot of ways. There is something so safe about this lived-in love, where they can be annoyed with each other on a normal day but still know they are going to be okay in the end. 

Jay hoists himself over the back of the couch to sit next to her, and he finishes putting the last items in the hospital bag. The peri bottle goes in last, and he spends a moment inspecting it. He is not sure exactly how it works, but Hailey seemed confident. He places the bottle in the last open spot and zips the bag. 

“I’m sorry if I made you think I don’t trust your judgment,” he offers. “I know you’re putting him first.” 

“Birth is going to be hard enough. I need you on my side for this.”

“I’m on your side,” Jay promises. “Even if I don’t fully understand it.”

“You don’t agree with it,” she corrects. 

“I-” Jay’s options are to keep going back and forth or to lie. Neither feel great at this moment. He can respect that this is her decision, and he will be there every step of the way- but he can not say he would choose to see her in pain for hours when there is an option to take that away. 

While waiting for his rebuttal, Hailey nudges the hospital bag with her foot to make room to rest her legs on the coffee table in front of her. She leans her head back on the couch, but jolts back up when she feels a pang in her stomach. “Woah,” she exclaims. 

“What’s wrong?”

To answer, she grabs Jay’s hand and places it on her baby bump where she feels the movement. Little feet pound against her side as the baby kicks up a storm in her belly. His eyes widen, and he watches in awe as their son moves against their hands. “He’s really going for it,” he chuckles. 

“Feels like he might be fast,” Hailey smiles. “He could get that from you.”

Jay moves his hand over her stomach an inch to keep up with the feet. “These short, quick steps? These are all you.” 

She leans her head back on the couch again and tilts it to look over at him. It is easy to think of this baby as theirs . Their son, their shared responsibility- and he is. Yet, he is also Jay’s baby and Hailey’s baby, and while they share him, they are still different people with different opinions. Hailey rests her hand over Jay’s again and squeezes his fingers. “We aren’t always going to agree in this whole parenting thing, are we?”

It is an obvious question with an obvious answer. “No,” he hums. He removes his hand from her bump to sling his arm over the back of the couch behind her. “I don’t want to be one of those dads who throws his weight around, but I won’t be uninvolved either.”

“I never, ever expect you to be. I need to be in control of my own birth, but once he’s here- we’re a tag team.” Hailey pauses. “Whatever that looks like.”

“It’ll look like us,” Jay shrugs. As long as it is between them, he knows they will be alright. “We’ll figure it out. We figured out marriage, didn’t we?”

She raises her eyebrow curiously. “Did we?”

He shakes his head fondly and tugs at the end of her ponytail. Sure, they have not figured out every aspect of marriage. They are far from perfect- but they are happy. At this point, they know each other almost as well as they know themselves, and they are good. 

Hailey leans farther into him and keeps her hands rested on her bump. As much as she has grown accustomed to feeling him move in her belly, she is ready to have him in her arms. She developed a certain appreciation- unexpected, but true- for her pregnancy. What began as something that made her uncomfortable with every change has slowly become one of the best things she has ever done. 

“I can’t wait to meet him,” she murmurs. “Not too much longer now.” 

Jay blows out a heavy sigh as the terrifying, exciting, long-awaited yet rapidly approaching reality sets in. “Two and a half months.”

Week 36

It began as any other ordinary day. They learned early in their careers that any day has the potential to change your life, for better or for worse. None quite like today. 

Jay is in the bullpen, scouring through hours of security footage with the team. It is so routine yet so consuming that he does not notice when Trudy enters the room until she is at his desk. “Jay.” She knocks on the hard wood to get his attention. 

He peels his eyes from the screen for the first time in hours. “What’s up?”

Trudy speaks calmly, but with urgency. “I got a call from OEMC. Hailey is on her way to Med.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know everything. I guess she felt like something wasn’t right. Paramedics left with her a few minutes ago.”

“The baby isn’t coming, is he?” Jay presses. “It’s not time yet.”

“Well if he is, she can’t exactly cross her legs and hold him in, now can she? Let’s go.”

“Okay, okay.” The once routine day feels like it is collapsing around him. Jay taps at his pockets and begins opening drawer after drawer for his keys or his phone. “I need-”

“-You need to put your gun and your badge on the desk,” Trudy says calmly. “Someone can lock them up for you. You’ll come with me, and I’ll drive.” 

He does not fight her, but he does ask her to drive faster over and over even when she speeds in a patrol car with lights and sirens on. She bites her tongue and tells him that one day, he will be grateful she got him there in one piece. 

Jay has been to Med thousands of times. That likely is not an exaggeration at this point. He knows the hallways well but in all of his visits, he never learned where the maternity ward is. He rushes from hallway to hallway, rubber soles squeaking against the white tiled floor. His vision is tunneled as he races past several nurses who could help him find his way if he just slowed down for a second to ask. Finally, he finds the signs. Fifth floor. 

Jay gives himself thirty seconds of unabashed panic in the elevator when he rides alone. He puts his head in his hands and leans against the wall, doing anything he can to just keep breathing. His determined solemnity returns as soon as the doors open, and he races down the hall of labor and delivery. 

“Woah.” A nurse at a desk stops him with a steady hand. “Are you looking for someone or running from someone? Either way, it stops here.” 

“Sorry, my- my wife,” he stammers. The nurse looks at him with the understanding of someone who has seen countless nervous fathers run through these halls. “Hailey Upton. Halstead. I was told that she was coming here.” 

The nurse clicks away at her keyboard for a moment before waving him down the hall where another nurse stands waiting. “Room nine,” she instructs. “They’re waiting for you.” 

Jay takes long strides to the second nurse who waits with a blue surgical gown in her hands. “Are you dad?”

“Yeah.” 

“You made it just in time.” She smiles, but there is a hesitation in her eyes. She holds the gown and begins instructing him on how to put it on. “The doctor is on her way. Hailey agreed to move forward with a cesarean section, so we will be taking her to the operating room as soon as possible.” 

“Cesarean?” The nurse may as well be speaking another language because he is hearing her words but processing nothing. 

“Your baby’s heart rate dropped a bit. Hailey and the doctor decided that the safest decision right now is to deliver.”

Deliver. He is coming, and suddenly every fear he has ever had about this baby is weighing on his shoulders, making him want to crumple right here on the hospital floor. Jay points to the door behind the nurse. “Is Hailey in there?”

“MmmHmm, you can go in.” She motions for him to adjust the scrubs hanging limply over his shoulder. “The doctor will be back in a couple minutes. You can sit with her for now. Keep her calm.” 

He opens the door slowly, as if any sudden motion will cause every thread holding them together to snap. Hailey is laying in a hospital bed with wires and lines connected to every part of her. Her cheeks are stained with tears, but they are rubbed red from all the times she wiped them dry to put on a brave face. When she looks across the room at him, her bottom lip quivers.

“Hey,” Jay coaxes as he crosses the room to her. He would pick her up and carry her far away from here if he could, but she is stretched flat on the bed with her baby bump sitting upright and one million wires binding her down. “What’s going on?” He whispers. “What happened?”

She shrugs weakly and searches for words, but she has been at a loss for them herself since this whole thing started. “I stopped feeling him move.” She explains as best she can. “He has been kicking me for months. I was sitting at my desk, and I realized he wasn’t kicking. Something didn’t feel right. They think the umbilical cord is pinched so he might not be getting enough oxygen.” Hailey drags her hand over her belly again as if searching for movement. She looks back at Jay, helpless. “It’s too early.” 

“It’s early,” he agrees. Almost thirty-six weeks. Early, but not too early. 

“And he was already small. The whole pregnancy.” 

There is a long list of worst case scenarios they can run down, none of them will help make this moment better. Jay pulls a chair under him and sits at her bedside with her hand in his. He is careful not to bump her IV when he draws slow shapes on her palm. “I know,” he assures. “This isn’t how we thought this would go. This isn’t how you wanted it to go-”

“-Are you scared?” 

“Terrified.” Jay can remember being asked that same question eight months ago. He had no idea then, because he had no idea what he had to lose. “But I believe in you. And I trust the doctor.” In all of this, there is a silver lining. “And we get to meet our son today,” he smiles, the tears blurring his vision. 

The door swings open behind him, and the room is flooded with nurses and a transport team to wheel Hailey into the operating room. “Let’s go meet our son,” Jay says quickly as they direct him to stand aside. 

Hailey tries to ignore everything that is happening to her. Stare at the ceiling, watch the lights pass overhead, tune it out. Then she is wheeled into a sterile white room and feels like more tubes, needles, and lines are attached to every inch of her body. “Jay?” She is flat on her back with her arms spread wide. She can not feel her own body. A curtain is raised in front of her face to block the view of her stomach as people crowd around her. For someone who likes to be in control of her own life, she has none. “Jay?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” He catches up and is finally allowed in once the surgical team is in their places. 

“Can you stay up here with me?” Her eyes dart to the blue curtain that separates her from everyone and everything else that is happening. All the attention is on the other side of that curtain, and she is alone in a crowded room. 

He squats directly behind her and wedges his knees under the end of her bed as if her head is resting in his lap. He rests both hands on the pillow on either side of her face and drags his thumbs along each cheek. “I’ll stay right here the whole time.” 

It is the best move for him, too, as the doctor begins her work. She briefs Hailey on what will happen and what she might feel, but then turns her attention to the team. They exchange words like scissors or forceps or clamps , and he knows without a doubt that he would not be able to watch them do this without passing out or lunging to stop them. “You’re doing great. Nothing hurts, right?” He whispers. “You’ll tell me if anything hurts?”

Her face twists while she tries to identify what she feels. It is unlike anything she has experienced before. “It’s not painful. It’s like a… tugging.”

Neither of them want to think too hard about everything that is being tugged on the other side of the curtain. “Can you talk about something?” Hailey asks. “Anything.” 

Jay glances up towards the surgery team. A nurse asks if he wants to watch the birth, but he shakes his head. “I’ll meet him when Hailey meets him,” he answers. He spots a bloody glove on one of the surgical assistants and wants to squeeze his eyes shut. He has to remind himself that all of this is bringing them a good thing. The best thing.

His thumbs still ghost over Hailey’s cheeks in a reassuring rhythm. She tilts her head back and looks at him upside down, waiting for him to say anything to distract her for just a couple minutes. “I have a name I think you might like,” Jay says quietly. 

“Really?”

“Remember I said I wanted his name to have part of you, too?”

“MmmHmm.”

“What do you think about Theo?”

He watches her eyebrows knit together in thought until she recognizes it. “Like Theodoridis?” Her grandfather’s last name- her mother’s father who is the beating heart of her happy childhood memories. 

Jay nods, and Hailey tries the name out for the first time. “Theo Alexander.” A little bit of her and a little bit of him. She never expected a name to feel so right. It is a feeling of just knowing that she never had before. She does not have to imagine it or picture it written across his life, it is just there. It is him. She looks back at Jay with glassy eyes. “I love it.” 

“I do too,” he agrees. He leans forward to rest his lips on her forehead and lingers there for a few moments. 

The doctor raises her voice happily from the other side of the curtain. “Mom and dad, are you ready?” 

It is such an unanswerable question to ask. They have never been more unprepared yet so ready for anything. With one last tug, she lifts their son up over the curtain. They see him- bright red and wiggling- for the first time. It is all worth it. Every bump in the road that led them together, every fear, fight, doubt, bout of sickness, craving, uncomfortable night, or plan gone wrong was worth this. 

His first cries fill the room. They get the quickest look at him before a team of nurses gathers him up and carries him to the side to be examined. The doctor is telling Hailey something about the rest of the procedure, but she hears none of it. She only hears him crying, and she gets quick glimpses of him amongst the shuffle of people. 

“Go.” She looks up at Jay. “Go be with him.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, go.”

He leans forward again to kiss her lips. It is upside down and clumsy, a mess of smiles. “I love you.” Jay steals one more kiss before leaving Hailey and walking across the room to watch the nurses examine their son. 

He sees ten fingers and ten toes. He has almost no hair yet, but what he does have is a wispy light brown. He is little. Five pounds, eleven ounces. Eighteen inches long. “He’s perfect,” Jay tells Hailey, who is still trying to see as best she can. 

After a couple minutes, the nurses ask Jay if he wants to cut the umbilical cord, and he clasps the scissors down with shaking hands. He is wrapped in a pastel striped blanket and a soft yellow hat is pulled over his head. “Do you want to take him to meet mom?” A nurse asks.

“I can do that?”

“Of course.” She hands the baby over to him, and Jay can only thank instinct for the way he cradles his son in his hands without hesitation. He feels so small. So fragile. So loud. 

“Hi, buddy,” Jay says as he takes the slowest, most careful steps to cross the room towards Hailey. It is one of those moments he will remember forever- introducing the two loves of his life to each other. “This is your mama,” he whispers quietly as he lowers the baby down. “Remember her? Yeah, this is who you want.” 

He lays the baby high on Hailey’s chest so his face rests against hers, and he snuffles and settles against her. “Hi, Theo,” she says, her voice shaking. 

It is overwhelming love at first sight. The surgical team finishes stitching Hailey up and flits around the room to get her set up for recovery, but they stay wrapped up in a bubble built for three. 

They could stay in this moment forever. It is one of those moments they know will be a memory one day. A memory they revisit and reminisce on. It is enough to carry them through the first night when Theo is taken to the NICU for observation. 

When one of them is not holding him, they stare at him in a warming bed with tiny tubes taped to his face. After a long visit, they finally settle down in Hailey’s recovery room on the maternity floor. They leave him in the NICU in the name of giving him the best care, but the space between them already feels a bit emptier without him in it. 

Early the next morning, Hailey wakes with a groan. Her abdomen hurts, her IV site hurts. It all hurts. She would toss and turn to get more comfortable, but she does not dare move an inch when she knows she will be hit with a new wave of pain. 

Jay is still asleep, cramped awkwardly on two chairs he pushed together to make a bed. The sun is barely coming up outside, and the room is dim from the small bit of light seeping through the blinds. Hailey leans over to check the time on her phone. 6:49am. There is a list of messages and missed calls that she decides will be something to worry about later. For now, she wants it to be just them. Their little family. 

Quietly, the door creaks open and a nurse walks in pushing a baby bassinet. Hailey sees Theo wrapped up inside, and he makes her heart stop for a moment. She assumes he always will. “Hi, there,” the nurse greets. “How are you feeling today?”

“Um, it hurts,” Hailey answers honestly. “It really hurts.”

“Okay,” the nurse responds sympathetically. “I’ll check in with the doctor and see what we can do for that, alright?” 

“Thank you.” Hailey can not take her eyes off of the bassinet. Theo is less swollen than yesterday, and she can see bits of her and Jay in his features. Her lips, his eyes. “Is he okay to be here now?” She asks.

“He is. He’s doing great. Do you want some help getting him out of his bed?” 

“Please.” Hailey glances over at Jay, who still sleeps on the other side of the room. It is so unlike him. The nurse lifts Theo and unwraps his blanket so she can lay him across Hailey’s chest. His skin is warm against hers, and pulls her hospital bed sheets over them both. He fusses a bit, but relaxes to sleep again. His tiny hand wraps around her finger when she traces his fist. 

The nurse finishes getting them settled and leaves the room. Perhaps Hailey should wake Jay up, but she gives herself a minute. She needs a moment alone with this little bump she carried and loved for eight months. She felt a connection before she knew him, so she needs a second to study his sweet face and remind herself he is hers, over and over. She did this. 

She whispers soft promises to him to be the best parent she can be. To support him and to always be patient. To love him forever. She looks over at Jay as he begins to stir from sleep. To love both of them forever. 

Jay’s eyes open slowly, and they widen when he sees Theo asleep on her chest. “Hey,” he rasps. He slowly stands from his makeshift bed and grimaces as multiple joints crack. “He’s here.”

“Someone passed all of his NICU tests.” 

“Wow,” Jay marvels. He looks down at Hailey and their son. It is something he dreamed of yet is somehow far better than he imagined- and he imagined it would be everything. 

“Have a seat.” Hailey taps the bit of open space next to her in her hospital bed. He eases his way down slowly, careful not to jostle her too much and pressing a kiss to her hair in apology when she winces slightly. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” She takes a deep breath as the pain subsides. “I knew it would hurt, right?” She jokes weakly. “The nurse is seeing about getting me something stronger.” 

“Good.” Jay brushes a stray wave of hair away from her face and behind her ear. “I can run home a little later to get the hospital bag. It won’t take away the pain, but your own clothes might be more comfortable.” 

“That’d be nice,” Hailey agrees. “Just no pants with an elastic waistband.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Jay adjusts the blankets over Hailey and Theo to make sure the heaviest part is not sitting over her abdomen. He is careful not to touch any bandages, but he ghosts his fingers gently along the sides. “I’m really proud of you.” 

Somehow, they made it. Jay reaches out to run his finger gently over Theo’s tiny hand that still grasps her finger. This is the rest of  their lives. The three of them, hand in hand in hand. “It’s pretty incredible, isn’t it?” Hailey hums.

“Yeah, it’s pretty incredible.” Jay can not stop staring, as if he still can not believe the scene in front of him is real. “What do you think? Are we ready?” 

Hailey contemplates the question for a moment before looking into his eyes. “No,” she smiles, “but we’ll be alright.”