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Buck doesn’t think that Eddie would cast him out of his life and disappear if he just told him. Dr. Copeland said telling was more than being accepted or rejected; it’s the chance to move on. Buck would rather die than tell Eddie. When Eddie rejected him even if Eddie came back around, understood Buck needed to say it to just move on with his life, it would be extremely awkward. At least for a while. But Buck isn’t sure he could even do it for a while. He couldn’t miss movie night, or day trips to the zoo, or even just working with Eddie, being his partner.
It would be embarrassing to admit he wants to be Eddie’s partner in everything. He also knows it would get around the team, back to his sister, and he would have to live with that mortification of everyone knowing. Knowing he was rejected. That he tried to even be with Eddie in the first place. People know Eddie and Buck are in a fight seconds into the fight starting. They’re such a duo, anything outside of their routine and they’re read and nailed to the door like breaking news.
That’s the problem with such a close knit family. Everyone’s business is out there in a matter of days if not hours. Buck doesn’t want his feelings for Eddie on display. He doesn’t want even the slightest chance of making Eddie uncomfortable.
But he’s constantly making a fool of himself. Like right now.
Buck is staring into Eddie’s eyes like they’re the universe opening in front of him. In his defense he’s drunk. He usually isn’t the designated driver, but he’s also never this drunk. Though between losing beer bong (He’s out of practice and kind of glad of that) to Hen and Chimney, he’s pretty drunk. Though Eddie was his partner, always is a great partner, always would be, he sucked at beer pong but was the designated driver, at least for Buck, Hen, and Chimney. So all the misses he made Buck drank for him.
Eddie is kind of laughing with the others at Buck, at how drunk he is.
“He’s not even in this world.” The table erupts into more laughter at Eddie waving his hand in front of Buck’s face. Buck finally leaves Eddie’s eyes and aways with Eddie’s movement. “Alright Buck, drink some more water.” Eddie brings a glass closer to Buck. Chimney and Hen left the table saying they’d be right back. Something or the other about needing more water themselves.
Buck hums around the glass as Eddie coaxes him to drink some. He doesn’t help Eddie much besides tilting his head back, making Eddie realize he wasn’t gonna drink it himself. A hand comes up the back of Buck’s head to stabilize it, and Eddie tilts the glass back for Buck. It’s a bit awkward for a moment because Eddie kind of lets him just chug it for a moment so long that he coughs into the cup. Though he quickly pulls away, Buck lets his head follow Eddie’s hand from the back of his head and ends up smacking straight against the table.
All he hears is gasp all around him and he groans as he looks up to their faces. Hen and Chimney are back and have Bobby and Athena with them. They weren’t here earlier. Apparently it was date night and so they weren’t gonna get to go to the bar. He’s a bit sad Bobby came so late but also glad because he didn’t see him lose so badly. As he moved up more Eddie in the panic had grabbed Buck’s face again and guided him to the table. Buck grimaces and brings his hand up to caress where he had face planted but insteads moves to slug like and smacks the glass over.
There’s a rush around him as he’s kind slung back up against the booth ungracefully, and Eddie leans forward with napkins. Buck lets his head lean to the side so he’s awkwardly hunched to the side but he gets to look at Eddie. Eddie as he wipes the table down and as Hen hands him more napkins. Eddie agrees to something as he nods, and turns to Buck.
“Let’s get you home, ok?” Buck just smiles because Eddie is looking at him, holding him upright, and he feels like a love sick teenager. He totally would put posters of Eddie up. He giggles as Eddie looks at him.
“Yeah get him home” Hen laughs with Buck, and it makes Buck feel all warm and makes him laugh a bit more. Chimney is pointing at him. Waving his hand around as he talks to Bobby, but Buck turns away, to Eddie. He’d always turn to Eddie.
His world moves a little too fast as Eddie lifts him up. They both tilt sideways immediately and Bobby is there to steady them. They make a comment he’s all dead weight and ask him to help a little. Buck looks at either of them and kind hums and tries to stand. It didn’t go well and the three of them were a hazard as they walked to Eddie’s car. He’s sort of a help to get in the car, he tries his best anyway.
Bobby ends up buckling him in and all Buck smiles at them. Eddie’s door closing on the other side brought his attention back to the man. It takes awhile for his door to close, and Eddie to reverse out of the parking lot. Eddie is talking every now and then and Buck wants to absorb it but it’s sliding right off him in the moment. He is talking about Chris being at a sleepover, that he picked a good night to get ‘drunk off his ass’.
As the street lights glide over Eddie’s face, he feels it come out of his heart into his throat and “I love you”. He tries to reach out to Eddie but his arm is stuck on the console so it’s halfway to him. Eddie looks at Buck for a moment. “Yeah Buck, I love you too.” He says with a smile.
Buck is drunk, not functioning on all brain cells but he knows Eddie doesn’t understand. “No, I love love you. I Love you.” He wants to repeat it again until the car practically slams to a stop. Buck is jostled to a sense of awareness as he recognizes the red light Eddie slammed to stop in time for. Eddie’s arm has slapped out to hold Buck in place and he grabs his arm. “I love you.”
He wants Eddie to understand. He wants to see Eddie’s face better, the red light isn’t reaching his face. “I love you.” He tries again because Eddie hasn’t said anything.
When the light turns green Buck hesitantly drops Eddie’s arm. Eddie is still frozen for a moment before he continues driving. He still doesn’t say anything. Buck isn’t as nervous as he ought to be. He knows that somewhere. But he’s said it. He never wants to stop saying it. It makes him feel lighter.
They arrive at Eddie’s house. Home. When Eddie comes around to help Buck out he’s already unbuckled but Eddie still reaches out for Buck. Buck reaches back “I love you.”
Eddie pats Bucks back as he’s lead inside. The couch is already set up. He knew Buck was coming here. Back home. There was never a doubt. Though Eddie takes him to the kitchen, sits him down. But Buck gets back up and follows Eddie to the pantry. “I love you”
Eddie doesn’t say anything as he leads Buck to the couch. Sits him down, takes off his shoes, hands him the water he grabbed earlier.
“Go to sleep, Buck.”
“Eddie, I love you.” Eddie leans in, “I know Buck. I love you too.” He wipes the curls off Buck’s forehead and leans in. He stops short, Buck already closed his eyes in anticipation for him to kiss him. He’s left. “I love you too Buck ok?” It doesn’t settle Buck. It sounds like he’s saying it to placate him. He doesn’t mean it the same way. Buck feels the anxiety set in his chest. But Eddie smiles at him, and walks down the hall.
Buck feels warm all over from such a simple smile. He lays down, and he falls asleep.
When Buck woke up, in pain, and feeling like something died in his mouth he groaned. The curtains were not closed and Buck could only assume it was early. The sun was just making its way up and managed to hit directly where Buck was sleeping. He gets up to freshen up before he goes back to bed. It wasn’t really until he started to brush his teeth and heard Eddie snoring that his brain fully kicked in.
He walks back out into the hall, able to see Eddie directly sleeping on his bed and snoring in the dark of his room. Buck had said he loved him. He couldn’t shut up about it. Eddie still brought him back here. But Buck felt the dread poor out of him. The pit opened up and he wanted it to dissolve him. He went back into the bathroom, quickly rinsed his mouth out, slapped water on his face, and had a mild panic attack not being able to find his keys.
He remembered Eddie had taken them away when they met at his house, and he doesn’t know where Eddie would put them. Actually he probably put them with his own keys in his room. But Buck did not want to risk waking him trying to get his keys and running. He probably shouldn’t drive home hungover anyway. He ordered an uber to his loft. Sitting on the porch in the cold hangover was a humbling experience. When the uber pulled up he threw himself in the back. The uber driver didn’t say anything but glance at Buck when he got in the car.
It isn’t till he reaches his door that he realizes he doesn’t even have his keys. He hits his head against the door for a moment trying to form a single thought that wasn’t involving his impending self implosion. He can either call Maddie, or even Bobby, possibly his landlord but he doubts they’re awake. It really only leaves Maddie as she had a night shift and would probably be on her way home soon. It was still a somewhat dreaded call to make because there’s no great way to explain why he’s locked out of his own apartment at the crack of dawn.
Maddie does answer, she’s just headed out.
“I need you to meet me at my loft. I don’t have my keys.”
“Why? Weren’t you out last night?”
“Went to the Bar, I lost beer pong I’m surprised you didn’t hear.”
“I just got off. I haven’t even looked at my phone yet. You didn’t sleep at Eddie’s?” Buck hits his head against the door again. He turns against it and slides down the front of it.
“No I did. He also has my keys, that's why I’m locked out.” He hears Maddie’s car start.
“Why didn’t he give you your keys? Why are you already home?”
“God Maddie Please just come let me in, I’m still hungover.”
“He let you leave hungover and no keys?”
“I’ll explain everything” Buck looks down the hallway, “Maybe.” He hears Maddie start, “Please just come let me in. I’ll owe you. Free babysitting.”
“I want to hear everything Evan.” He doesn’t disagree, just begs she hurries up. They end the call, and he’s left waiting at the mercy of La morning traffic as she makes her way over.
Maddie shows up a bit later than he expected but she has burritos, “I assumed you needed a snack, and I need to eat something while listening to you talk.”
The pit in Buck’s stomach grows a bit more.
“I’m so hungover, can I just tell you another day?”
Maddie rolls her eyes, “I did hear you face planted and knocked over drinks.”
Buck rolls his eyes back “It was one glass of water I’m pretty sure.” She laughs at him for not denying he face planted.
Maddie lets him eat, and when they’re both done she asks if she should start coffee since he hasn’t said anything yet. He convinces her to let him change, and he comes back from his loft in pjs as she looks up at him. “So?” Like it was a simple easy funny story, she’s smiling like it’s something funny. Something she can hold against him later.
“I told Eddie I loved him.” Buck doesn’t know why but seeing the smile fall off Maddie’s face makes him feel worse. Like even she knew he never had a chance and was a moron to do so.
“What did he say?” Buck mimicked himself from the night before, placing his head against the counter, imagining Eddie’s hand there on the back of his head to settle him.
“Nothing much. Nothing really. He said he loved me too but he didn’t mean it the same way. I kept trying to get him to understand and he didn’t say anything. He-” Buck's voice stops as it breaks as it gets higher and higher. Maddie is beside him, rubbing his back. He knows it's a thing Maddie has always done for him but it doesn’t feel right knowing Eddie had done it moments before. “He just told me to sleep and he went to bed. I woke up and just left in an uber with a driver who judged me. I saw it on their face, god it’s like they knew I just got thrown to the wolves. God Maddie I fucked up.”
“Buck you said it when you were drunk. You’re not giving Eddie a lot of time to respond.”
Buck groans, “Maddie I know he doesn’t like me like that. I can’t believe I said anything. I’ve been drunk before and never said anything. But I did today? God. I want the world to crack open and swallow me whole.”
“Don’t say that we live on a fault line, and knowing your track record…” Buck doesn’t respond.
“Buck, you're gonna have to talk to him. You work together, he’s your best friend.”
“Notice how you’re not telling me it’s all gonna be ok because he likes me back? Even you know it’s helpless. That I messed up. Better to say ‘Hey! I was really fucked up I didn’t mean it!’” Maddie’s eyebrows knit together.
“I don’t mean it like that, Evan. Eddie does love you, romantically or not. You’re practically raising his kid together. I’m just saying running first wasn’t the right thing to do.”
Maddie lectures him a bit more, but babies him into his bed, sends him to bed with painkillers and water. “No one makes good decisions hungover and tired.”
“No one makes good decisions while drunk.”
Maddie doesn’t deny it. Like what Buck did do was stupid. Confessing was stupid. Buck will never drink again. Granted he doesn’t have any more life running secrets. Maddie leaves after he falls asleep, he can hear her cleaning up the kitchen before he falls asleep.
He wakes up to his phone. It’s only about an hour later. It’s Eddie. He doesn’t want to answer. He wants to throw his phone over the railing and go back to bed and become one with his bed. But Eddie is ironically the only person he wants to hear from right now. In his thinking he misses the call as he stares into the soul of Eddie and Christopher, Eddie's contact picture. He panics. Eddie immediately calls again. This time he sits up. Panics a bit more. Answers the call as he coughs into oblivion.
“Buck?” His voice sounds raw, like he just woke up to “Are you ok? Where did you go?” Buck is a little breathless. A little too asleep still, a little too drunk in a sense of he just might have ruined his relationship with his best friend. Therefore with Chris. Ruining the whole dynamic with the team because of a stupid feeling. “Buck?”
“I’m at home.” There’s silence between them.
“Your jeep is here.” Buck recognises the tone immediately, it’s his dad tone. A shiver runs through him as he twists to sitting with his legs off the bed.
“Um.” He stands up so he can pace by the railing. “Yeah I got an Uber, I couldn’t find my keys.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up? I had your keys.” Buck doesn’t exactly know what to say. If Eddie is giving him an out. Letting them pretend it didn’t happen. Buck feels stupid. Probably is stupid because then he says:
“I Love you.” Buck threatens himself to throw himself off the ledge of the loft, throw himself down the flight of stairs, he genuinely falls to his knees and lays on the floor. Eddie doesn’t say anything. God Eddie wasn’t a silent person anymore it’s like he became one again. Like how he was when he just met everyone.
“Ok.”
Buck freezes, “Ok?”
“Yeah, Ok. You told me a lot last night.” Buck can’t read his tone for the first time, or can’t trust himself to. He wants to ask what Maddie asked him So? “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
No he wouldn't. Buck was gonna fling himself off the roof. He was going to stomp directly on the faultline until it cracked open and took him with it. He knows Eddie hung up. He knows but he doesn’t move the phone away. Buck doesn’t know what to do with himself.
He wastes his whole day panicking. He should call out. He should call Tk and disappear to Texas. He should quit and move halfway around the world. He thinks about all these possibilities as he absolutely panics and cleans everything in his apartment. He’s wiping the top of his fridge when he realizes he has to work in eight hours. He needs to go back to sleep. He sets himself up to sleep but all he can smell is the lemon clorox leaching from every surface he plastered it to.
He ignored the calls of Maddie, and one from Chimney. That made him nervous. Did Maddie tell Chimney? Chimney would’ve already spilt the beans to everyone he’s ever met. Probably tweeted it, bought a billboard telling all of LA. He tries to suffocate into his pillow.
In the morning after barely sleeping he realizes he doesn't have a car as he’s trying to find coffee after rearranging everything. He has enough time to call an Uber. But before he can he gets a text from Eddie.
Here
Buck chokes on nothing. He is being a bit dramatic. Doing it for show for only himself so he feels stupid. He smacks his head against the fridge. He needs to work on better coping habits, his head is probably blue. He wonders if he orders an uber if he can sneak behind Eddie. He could order it on the other side and go out the back. What would it matter? He would have to see him at work for twenty four hours.
He makes his way down, practically fighting himself on every step. He gets the bright idea to call Maddie. He slaps headphones in, and Maddie answers. She’s asking how everything is going, if he’s talked to Eddie. So when he slides into the car he mouths ‘Maddie’ and manages to keep her on the phone the whole car ride. He has his whole body turned to the window. Ignoring any subtle (not subtle) look Eddie gave. He kept babbling about Jee, her birthday that wasn’t even near coming up. He barely let Maddie speak, the second they were in the parking lot he said bye, hung up, and sprinted out of Eddie’s car.
He changed with the speed of a man who just got rejected, skipped past Eddie who had barely entered the changing room as Buck slipped out. Running up the stairs to a questioning Bobby.
“What can I help cook!” He immediately plants himself at Bobby’s side. He gets a few comments about how less drunk he is from when they last saw him, that now he seems like he’s on crack. He laughs too forcefully when he sees Eddie come up the stairs. He sees it register in everyone’s faces. Hen and Bobby share a look with each other, then at Buck.
Bobby even stops mixing the batter, and Buck awkwardly shoves Bobby from the bowl and mixes it himself. “Um am I doing it right.”
Bobby raises an eyebrow “Are you mixing right?” Buck nods. The bowl might actually crack under all the pressure.
“Buck. Can we talk? Um, not up here?” Hen immediately turns to Eddie as he speaks. Chimney only looks to and from everyone so Maddie didn’t tell him or he got amazing at keeping secrets which is just as realistic as the fault line just swallowing Buck.
“I’m helping Cap! So if you wanna eat not now.” Buck turns away from all of them to stir the batter by the sink. He can feel the tension behind him. He refuses to turn. He manages to evade Eddie, and now everyone else while eating because he already ate and is gonna go clean the truck. He even whispers ‘I hope this shift is quiet’ to himself over and over to taunt the universe. The universe does not like to be taunted in this respect because then they’re on non stop calls.
Buck kind of feels awful for taunting the universe when he’s pulling a teenager out of a car wreck. No one from all the calls is injured badly, but Buck feels a guilt from being happy they were busy. But they still had a few hours left on their shift when they made it back. Each takes turns to shower after setting the trucks back up. Buck calculated wrong and thought if he took forever in the ambulance he’d miss them.
The universe gets back at him. Because when he walks in to take a shower, Eddie is waiting a bit past the entrance so Buck can’t run away. And Hen somehow comes up behind him, which she totally shouldn’t be in the boys showers, lesbian or not, and shuts the door. Eddie is directly facing him. Buck knows there isn’t a lock on the outside so he could probably just leave, but part of him is sure Hen is right outside the door.
Buck turns back to Eddie from the door, and gives a small smile as he tries his best to pass him towel in hand to make it to the shower stall.
“Buck we need to talk.” Buck does stop. He feels Eddie’s hand ghost about to grab Buck’s arm, but he doesn’t. He won’t even touch him. Buck prays to the universe.
“I’m sorry. I was drunk. I don’t want to ruin anything Eddie. It was stupid. I’ll get over it. Please believe me.” He doesn’t mean to sound so disgustingly broken as he sobs towards the end. He rubs his eyes as he turns to Eddie. “I can get over it. Ok?”
He wants Eddie to say what he did when he confessed, just Ok. Then everything can go back to normal, he can still sleep on his couch, have beers, he can see Chris.
“No.” God Buck sobbed at that.
“What do you mean no! There’s not really another option here Eddie.” Buck throws his hands up, his towel flying to the floor. Eddie shifts from foot to foot, before making his way to Buck. He may be taller but he didn’t feel it right now.
“Buck, I’m sorry.”
“It’s my fault, I’m sorry, I promise Eddie I can get over it. I can.”
“Really? Just like that?” Buck looks at Eddie disbelieving, what is he supposed to say? Buck also can’t lie. He wouldn’t. Not just like that, he couldn’t. He thinks Eddie ruined love for him. He only wanted what he had with Eddie.
“No,” Buck says small “No but I can try.”
“I don’t want you to.” Buck neck nearly snaps. “I’m sorry I didn’t handle it well, granted I did think we’d be able to talk in the morning and then when I woke up you were gone. You really high tailed it out of there.”
“What do you mean.”
“I love you Evan.” Eddie smiles and his hand finds its way to holding Bucks. “I didn’t know what to say when you were so drunk. I needed to sort myself a bit. I..” He rubs his other hand across Buck’s face, letting his thumb caress his face. “I didn’t fully understand everything. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to run. I hope I didn’t ruin my chances. I can be better, ok?”
Buck hesitates as he feels his brain start to work again, “Yeah? Like yeah?”
Eddie laughs, “Yeah Yeah.”
“Like yeah?” Buck is laughing too.
Eddie smiles a bright smile, and Buck loses himself in his eyes again. He feels warm.
“Yeah. I might be slow, I’m not very good at dating.”
“It’s a good thing I am.”
“You gonna wine and dine me?”
“Yeah.”
Eddie reaches up and pushes his curls off his forehead and kisses him there. “Sorry I didn’t do that then.” Buck hangs a bit down to fit his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck.
“You did it now.” Buck stands like that with Eddie as support for probably an awkward time.
“I love you. But you need to shower.” Buck hums and pulls himself away.
“I said the Q word so we would be busy.” Eddie rolls his eyes, “That’s not a thing.”
“What do you call seven calls back to back?”
“Working up a sweat, and needing a shower. Go.” Eddie shoves Buck the rest of the way. Buck feels a little sick, “We mean the same thing right?”
Eddie smiles, “Yes. Enough to be embarrassed when you come out of the shower to everyone.”
“I might just stay here.”
“That’s not fair. If I have to face them, so do you.”
“You could stay in here.” Eddie pulls back from the door, letting the door handle go “Ok. Since I love you.”