Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“No.”

“This is not a job you can just fucking say no to, Crowley. Please just do it!!”

“Absolutely not. I’d rather do round 2 with holy water.” Crowley leaned back in his stained chair, sprawled so carelessly despite being summoned to Lord Beezlebub’s office. His hands were tense as he rested his arms upon the cushioned armchairs. He cocked his head to one-side, gazing at the dozens of godawful Hell signs as a constant reminder to lower demons. ‘Do not lick the walls’ is a personal favourite. 

“Lord Beezlebub I don’t know if you can’t tell— but I’m currently retired at the moment? I have no interest in getting back with this.. demonic work.” Crowley slurred his words, probably under the influence of some human liquids before this abrupt meeting.

Lord Beezlebub sat up tightly at their makeshift desk (the throne was not suitable for work-related meetings at the moment), obviously annoyed with this emergency meeting as well. This was the last demon they would’ve wanted to deal with at this hour. Especially being swamped with paperwork for the extermination happening downstairs. Their flies were also getting delirious from the amount of paperwork and additional back chatter from Crowley. In their resembled annoyance, Beezlebub gave a long sigh. 

“Look as long as you are a demon, you have to work for us. Lucifer specifically.” They said in a much calmer tone than usual, almost defeated. 

“Eugh…”

“I swear for Satan’s sake, Crowley, it’s just one measly task!” Beezlebub buzzed, being borderline agitated by this entire interaction in general. 

Crowley was always the hardest demon to deal with. Lazy. Incompetent. Nice, but don’t let him hear you say that. However, he’s got the creativity and imagination most demons don’t or will ever have; thus being a higher rank than your general slab of demons. With this higher status, the more bickering and pettiness this demon feels he needs to share.

“You expect me to spend the rest of my days in this fucking hotel trying to redeem sinners? That's ludicrous!!” Crowley spat back at them, as his hands flailed in the air from disbelief of yet another redundant job that a lower class demon could easily pile on. “Why not just… fucking live with it..” 

“Well I didn’t fucking come up with that idea did I? I’m just assigning it!” Beezlebub feels the need to clarify, like they’re stupid enough to believe sinners can be redeemed at all. “Plus after your little stunt with holy water, this job could make-do as your new punishment.” Beezlebub remarked, seemingly content with this new arrangement. Sending Crowley to the deepest pits of hell? Sounds as good as holy water.

They shuffled around some dusted papers, scrunched and a little scorched from the pandemonium called Beezlebub’s desk. Beezlebub plucked off the top paper in their hands (surprisingly the least burnt) and leaned over the desk for Crowley to retrieve.

“Stop being a little pussy alright? And do your fucking job.”

“Nghhhhhh… fine. Where is this shit hole, anyways?” 

“Stupid Beelzebub. Stupid Lucifer’s daughter. Stupid fucking- ngh hotels!” Crowley grumbled as he stood on the rickety old escalator (that used to be just a staircase until they renovated) that’s been there since Hell started. And not just the offices of Hell; Hell Hell. Where the sinners, hellborn and Lucifer hide away. It was old and slow, making random squeaks in the dark void that surrounds it.

“I mean redeeming sinners, that’s just bloody idiotic,” He carded a hand through his hair, “Waste of materials that could instead be used on making…. I don’t know, ducks!”

His exclamation was swallowed by the darkness as he continued his slow descent. At some point the pitch black turned into a dark red, then just red as that escalator downwards seemed to go on endlessly.

“Ducks are better than hotels chasing after non-existent dreams. Now those damned shitheads running the damned thing are making me go to the Pride ring during Extermination day!”

He got closer and closer to the floor of the tower and he ended up just walking the rest of the way. The soles of his shoes clacked against the metal as he moved.

“I could be spending my New Years on something so much more productive but nooo-” Crowley hissed, fixing the lapels of his tailored suit and his feet hit the marble ground of the cold tower, “I got to go help some dumbasses run a hotel .”

There was an empty desk on his left, dust blanketing the surface of it. Crowley barely gave it a second glance before he walked through the empty tower. Light streamed through tall windows and reflected off of miscellaneous shiny things in the foyer. Crowley took off his dark sunglasses and rubbed at his eyes, too tired to deal with Hell’s bullshit.

“They could’ve sent literally any third rate demon and they choose the one that’s not even working for them anymore.” 

He doesn’t know what was going on in Lord Beelezebub’s brain to send him down to the Pride Ring and make him fulfil stupid busy work. It wasn’t even busy work at that point, it’s just assisting the Princess of Hell with a pet project. It was something he wouldn’t be able to say no to because otherwise her daddy (Lucifer) would get pissed and forcefully take help. At least with busy work he could procrastinate for a few days. 

He huffed, as he opened the front door to reveal a cacophony of noise and screaming. Sinners of all shapes and sizes were running in the streets, Angels dressed in the Exterminator uniform chasing after them in the skies. Spears and blood were flying in the streets. A Sinner was running towards the door of the tower, an angel hot on their trail,

“Help! Heelp-!” The Sinner cried, quickly cut off by a spear slicing clean through their torso. Blood splattered on Crowley's face and he cringed. 

He wiped the liquid off the black scales dusting his cheeks and looked down to see the angel violently stabbing the spearhead through… well the demon’s head as the body went limp under them.

“Oh wow you really did a number on that guy…” Crowley said out loud and the angel snapped their head up to him, twisting the spear so a loud squelch sound was heard.

In a flash of movement, the spear was flying towards his face and Crowley had to twist out of the way to avoid getting stabbed. The weapon went further into the foyer of the tower and clattered on the ground.

When he turned around again, there was a fist coming at him and he caught it in his hand, as well as the second one.

“Satan, you are violent!” Crowley exclaimed as the angel tried to push him to the ground, not realising he wasn’t actually a Sinner.

The angel stopped trying to beat him up for a moment. That was all he needed to break away and snap his fingers. The Exterminator disappearing before his very eyes. He doesn’t actually know where he sent them, nor if he killed the angel or not, but he didn’t really care as he lightly kicked the corpse's head in front of him. 

The used-to-be-Sinner knocked dully under his shoe and he sidestepped the intestines spilling out of the torso, not bothering to deal with that shit at the moment. Or ever.

He raised his wings slightly to not drag them on the blood stained ground, and took the steps two at a time.

Hell was as… hellish as ever. People screaming, Sinners dying, he’s pretty sure some brain matter got caught in his hair. He reached the bottom of the stairs and turned on his heel.

He placed a finger on his chin, “Right…. Where is it, where is it, where is it? If you can find the anti-christ you can find…. What was it? ‘The Crappy Hotel’?”

Crowley turned around, looking directly at a swarm of Exterminators surrounding a Sinner. Some screams echoed from the middle of the huddle before the angels left, leaving behind a pile of guts and blood. Crowley scrunched his nose, Exterminators are a different breed of angels. Not in a literal sense, but in a sense that their personalities are so much more different and chaotic than the normal angelic being you would meet. It was probably a result of being asked to murder people like sport once a year, every year, for probably the rest of their life.

Crowley raised an eyebrow at the scene before continuing looking at the dark and run down buildings around himself.

Were the Exterminators always this violent when they came down to Hell?  

Not that he would know the answer to that, he’s never really bothered to visit Hell during the Extermination, no sane Demon ever would.

Crowley looked down at one street to his left and walked, deciding that he’ll find the hotel eventually. The Pride Ring isn’t limitless after all, the hotel should be around somewhere.

He walked down the sidewalk, the concrete upturned in the ground as some Sinners were still in their dying moments. It was the more gruesome side of Hell, the other rings were quite nice if you could visit them. Though Sinners can’t visit the other rings, otherwise they would be too overpowered or something compared to the Hellborns. Crowley doesn’t really care too much about Hell’s politics.

He tripped over a rock and cursed, stumbling forward and nearly falling face first into a puddle of blood. Luckily, he caught himself on a nearby brick wall, his body's momentum making him turn into a nearby alleyway and trip on a dumpster.

He heard a scream and looked up from his lovely (not) view of the dumpster to see a child, no older than 10 or 12, cowering at the end of the alleyway. An Exterminator towering over their small form.

Crowley scowled, stepping around the dumpster and closer to the pairing with long strides.

Not the kids.

The child whimpered with tears in their eyes, hands desperately covering their head in a meagre attempt at protecting themselves from the Angel above them. The Exterminator raised the spear with one arm, a sadistic smile on their masked face. Honestly these Exterminators can get so dramatic at times.

Crowley caught the angel's wrist before they could bring the spear down like a hammer.  The Exterminator whipped their head around to stare at Crowley’s face, their wrist frozen in his grip.

“Seriously man? You can kill literally anyone else in this shit hole and you pick a kid?” Crowley asked incredulously. 

Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, as the angel twisted their arm out of his grip and kicked him in the chest. Making him stumble back a few metres at the force of it. He wheezed and put his hands on his knees. Shit, Angels can kick hard . 

The Exterminator spun their spear around in their hand like a baton. Suddenly they were in front of him, pushing him against the wall with the spear’s handle and trying to choke him out. He held back the spear with two hands as he kicked his legs wildly to stop the Angel from trying to kill him.

Crowley looked out the corner of his eye to see the kid stand up shakily and book it out of the alleyway without hesitation. He rolled his eyes under his sunglasses. Not even a thank you? Or help?? Kids these days.

He twisted the spear this way and that, the Angel not moving from in front of him.

Right then. Drastic measures it is.

Crowley lifted his leg and kicked the Exterminator in the chest. The Angel stumbled back, clearly not expecting that, letting Crowley yank the spear out of their hands in their moment of hesitation. He spun it around in his hands experimentally before nearly dropping it and he fumbled to catch it.

The Exterminator lunged at him and he barely thought about it before stabbing in the Angel’s general area, shutting his eyes and looking away.

A squelch was heard as the spear hit something, the end of the spear suddenly being very heavy and he dropped it. Letting it thump to the ground. He opened his eyes and looked down at his feet to see the Angel, gold spilling out of their chest as they lay on the ground motionless. The spear was still in the middle of the corpse's chest. The black handle going in one side and the spear head going clean out the other.

Crowley’s hand shot up to his head, gripping at his scalp.

“Ohhhh, shit shit shit-” 

He just killed an Angel. He just killed an angel with their own spear .

Fuck, what was he supposed to do now?

Crowley wiped the edges of his lips with the back of his hand, gold blood came away on the edge of it and he cringed.

“Eugh, Angel blood….” He grumbled.

He let his hands drop to his sides as he stared at the opening of the alleyway he was still in. The Angel’s body was gone, only a stain of gold remained on the stone. The armour they were wearing was in the dumpster, covered in the same gold stains. Crowley looked down at the spear in his hands, some flesh still on the tip of it, and he flicked it off with his fingers. The flesh bouncing off the ground comically before rolling to a stop on the street, where it was promptly trampled by a panicking Sinner. Crowley took one look at the spear again and tossed it into the dumpster. 

He swallowed. Some blood that still lingered in his mouth going down his throat.

He felt sick. The world twisting around him as he swayed. It took a while but he managed, but by now the Extermination was nearly over and he still hasn’t found that blasted hotel.

His body tipped violently and he tried to stumble in the opposite direction. Gold tipped hands finding the edges of the dumpster. He gripped it until his knuckles turned white as his knees hit the floor. A dull pain shooting through his legs that he didn’t notice.

Crowley shook, body feeling bloated as he gagged. Some spit dripped out of his open mouth and he closed it, sloshing around some of the liquid before spitting out a big glob of gold mixed with meat.

“Eugh…” He scrunched up his nose. That doesn’t look good.

He retched, bile coming up and spilling out of his throat. He coughed, making even more vomit come up and splatter on the ground.

He stood up right on shaky knees, heavily leaning against the dumpster now instead of just hanging off of it.

Crowley’s eyes met the clothes of the once Angel and he felt sick. Bile, blood, and meat coming up and falling out of his mouth. All of it dripping onto the grey clothing and making it fall between the black trash bags.

He gagged and threw up in the dumpster again. The sickness leaving him and something deep inside told him that he wasn’t going to throw up again–

Crowley stood up straight.

—And then turned around to the dumpster as the food he ate that day came up in his throat.

Ok, now he was done.

“I swear to Satan that was literally the most unholy meal I’ve eaten,” Crowley murmured to himself, still coughing up some remaining acids in his stomach. Such an irony for angels to taste unholy. 

“Could’ve just fucking burn it but nooooo, no hellfire can be given to sinners. Fucking wankers.” He complained, finally able to function like a decent demon and sauntered out into the more hellish hell.

Ah, doesn't it feel like home?

He continued his original path (if he even has one) to search for this dreamy hotel filled with sinners who don’t want to spend the rest of their days fucking or fighting. The red gaze of the sky heaved down onto dead streets across hell, wrapping up the Extermination Day quite nicely. Angels flocked like birds back into the heavens— which Crowley has a feeling isn’t all heavenly, and the alleyway was probably more comforting.

Stupid death angels, why can’t more be like Aziraphale?

He drifted along the streets of fresh meat, inhaling the sour scent of dead sinners. Upon trying to ignore the infectious smells, a gouged eyeball rolls by his feet. Crowley nearly gags from the state of this town.

God he really needs to find this hotel.

“Bloody hell, where can this fucking hotel be?!?!” He cried out, sick of this hell hell. “It ain’t some magical tall ass building that can be viewed miles away-” Crowley whirls his head to the west. Out of the corner of his eyes, he fixates on this tall, magical building sitting nicely on a pentagram hill. Miles and miles away.

You gotta be shitting me.

It’s best to not question Crowley’s methods of transport. Just the destination. In a flicker of light, the queer hotel took shape in front of him. He squinted his eyes slightly from the blinding lights covering the entire entrance. Quite a flashy bunch eh? Staring down at him was a large theatrical sign labelled ”Hazbin Hotel”. Seems like the right place. His feet tapped against the cold stone path as he stepped to the warm welcoming hotel doors. 

Crowley perked up closely to the doors, putting his ear against the frame. I mean sure it’s welcoming but he just had to be sure it wasn’t a trap. Hearing through the murmurs, he could sort of make out some of the conversation. To think sinners are already at the hotel, wanting to be redeemed seemed crazy in his head. 

“If’n ya… commercial… famous…”

Ok it seems that Crowley can’t make out conversation well.

“Angel.. you’re… star…”

Hmm, actually quite interesting talk for souls in hell. Maybe redemption was an option. He determined that it was safe enough to waltz inside and find Lucifer’s little princess who runs this estate.

“I’ll have the horniest sinners knockin’ these walls down to get in!” A fluffy white demon (does he have tits?) exclaimed. Right at that exact moment, Crowley walked in.

You gotta be fuckin kidding me.

Everyone at the parlour laid eyes on this red-headed demon. A blondie in a red suit looked especially excited (presumably the only one) at the sight of a sinner coming into the hotel. Willingly. Opposing her, a desaturated sinner gaped in shock at the demon, not quite sure why he ended up in this establishment.

“See what’d I tell you! I swear if you film me goin’ at it with mister fancy talk-creepy voice here, you’d be ROLLIN’ in participants willin’ to stay at this tacky hotel.” The four arm spider (spider?) pointed towards Crowley lingering in the doorway, “Exhibit A.”

“This is the bloody hotel I gotta look after…” Crowley grumbled under his breath, unnerved by the insanely bad timing of entering this pension. He averted his eyes back to the tacky parlour only for a blonde angel (he thinks) to pop up in his face. Crowley swore and nearly tripped on the smooth red carpets.

“Hi!! I’m Charlie, pleasure to meet you. Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, our home of healing. Our home of restoration!” Charlie squealed in excitement, “Finally our first guest of this hotel!”

“Uhhh, what the hell am I then?” The supposed spider demon questioned, pointing at himself.

“Well.. you’re-” Charlie tried her best to put the words nicely but was cut off by some snake.

“Listen angel, I’m not here to be redeem— that’s fuckin ridiculous. No, no, the big guy sent me here to help look after this…” Crowley gestures about the empty entrance and parlour, “failed hotel of the princess I presume. You don’t happen to know where she is eh?”

Charlie deflated slowly about the hopes of another resident. She quickly gained herself again, ready to give any explanation for him when the desaturated bitch with a hair bow stepped by her side.

“ That’s the princess of hell you son of a bitch. Look, if you don’t have any respect for redemption than go back to whoever sent you because it’s clear they fucked up!” She shouted back at Crowley, slowly shoving him out the door.

“Vaggie, wait! Um.. I’m pretty sure he has a good reason for this.” Charlie mentioned, looking at Crowley softly, “At least give us a name. Mr-”

“Crowley. Anthony J. Crowley if you must, but Crowley is fine.”

Vaggie stepped back hurriedly, as if Crowley was suddenly holy water. Her eyes attached to Crowley’s sunglasses, realising why they were ever so familiar.

“I’m sorry, THE fuckin Crowley?? The one that fucked up Armaggeddon? The god damn fallen angel with Lucifer!?!” Vaggie yelled so loudly, everyone choked at the remarks. Except the distant strawberry pimp did not choke but definitely twitched at the sight of him now.

“Yeah yeah, no big deal.” Crowley brushed it off like it was some of his unimpressive achievements. Despite Vaggie still in awe, he turned to face Charlie again. “So Charlie, your daddy wants me to assist with your hotel nghhhh.. Oh! Here’s some papers from Lord Beezlebub, information I guess.”

He shoved the singular, somehow burnt now, paper Beezlebub gave him. In all honesty, he didn’t read the terms. Maybe a slight mistake on his part not even knowing what he’s supposed to do here. 

Lucifer wants you to watch his daughter, take care of her and the hotel!

Not a very informative demon Lord Beezlebub is, per say. Crowley watched as Charlie and Vaggie read thoroughly over the paper.

“So, basically.” Charlie murmured, still reading, “You’re like; a babysitter?”

Crowley coughed at that potential. Excuse me? Lucifer wants me to babysit?? he thought. Sure Crowley enjoys kids (to a certain degree) but never once would be a babysitter.

“Aughhh well. Eugh like.. I could be like..” Crowley struggled to find his words. Honestly the babysitter title sounded perfect to the job description Beezlebub gave. “A supervisor!! Yes, yes I am your new hotel supervisor! Sent personally by the king himself.”

“Well if he’s gonna send someone to supervise us, why have such a high rank demon like you?” Vaggie asked, still trying to wrap her head around the powerful being’s presence.

“Technically, it was against my will. You see- um. I was-”

A phone buzzed nearby. Charlie blushed in embarrassment by the fact it’s her own.

“Whoops! Sorry guys, I have to take this.” She apologised, promptly leaving to a more secluded area. Leaving Crowley at the other sinners will.

During this time, he got a better look at everyone. A whopping 5 sinners, very impressive amongst millions of sinners. Vaggie watched him intently, tempted to take out her spear in case things went sideways.

However the horny demon takes a different approach slowly creeping up towards the snake. You know the approach.

“Hey cutie~ Whatcha up tonight, love to see that long d-”

“Angel, enough!” Vaggie yelled at him.

Angel. Huh.

“What?? Just making friendly conversation with the new guy.” ‘Angel’ tried to clarify, “Bet there’s another sin you wanna try-”

“Okay you’re out of here!” Vaggie pushed Angel along, back onto the couch, “Sorry about that sir. Crowley sir! Crowley-”

“S’alright. I’ve had worse back on Earth.” Crowley reassured, even though that was the worst someone hit on him. The others don’t need to know that though.

“Well if you want please! Make yourself at ho-”

“Vaggie! Holy shit!” Charlie yelled at the back of the stairs. She rushed back to Vaggie, almost exploding from that single phone call.

“Sorry Crowley give me a sec.” Vaggie turned her attention to a feverish Charlie, “What’s going on?”

“My dad just called. He said that the leader of the Angel Army wants to meet. He asked if I could go instead!” Charlie explained, grasping onto Vaggie’s shoulder in pure excitement.

“But.. the extermination just happened? What could they want this soon after-”

(Cue in “Happy Day in Hell”)

“What the fuck?” Crowley questioned, quite disbelieved that there’s musical cues down here. He looked at Angel for an answer.

“Is she?”

“Oh she’s singin’.” Angel assured Crowley. Crowley tried to turn back to Charlie only being met with a silhouette of her.

“And is she already?”

“That bitch is halfway down the street!”

“These motherfucking pride demons.” Crowley whispered to himself. He peered outside the hotel doors, glancing down the fiery streets of hell. She sure is singing alright. Once Charlie was out of sight, Crowley turned to the sinners of this establishment he was left with, all staring back at him with different looks of intent - hopefully not malicious intent.

Lord Beezlebub, you son of a bitch. 

Chapter Text

Crowley stood awkwardly as 5 pairs of eyes glared at him and his every move. He was pretty sure one ‘pair’ was just a single eye.

Such a welcoming hotel.

“Alright Mr Crowley, what brings such a high rank like yourself to this fine resort?” Vaggie questioned dryly, waving her arms around. Crowley shuffled around awkwardly, quite embarrassed about how he arrived at this ‘resort’.

“Well uh- well, first of all this place is a hotel. Resorts and hotels are very different-”

“You know what I mean!!” Vaggie yelled in frustration. She forgot about the rumours of the amount of bickering and pettiness that followed this demon. Vaggie gestured back at Crowley, still waiting for a solid answer on his babysitting gig. Crowley started to sweat a little. 

“Ok… Well like.. I mean do I really have to explain? Can’t you just deal with someone higher ranked like me?” Crowley groaned, causing Vaggie to tense up by his reluctance. Again.

“I mean Charlie’s here! She doesn’t cause any problems.”

“That’s because she made the hotel dumbass. Someone with your power surely will get noticed down here by other sinners.” Vaggie reminded him. Like, isn’t that the whole reason he’s here? To take care of Charlie’s hotel??

“Well I sauntered right in here and you guys seemed clueless.” Crowley argued, humbling Vaggie slightly. She decided not to say a word this time – the silent treatment might work on him – and just stared intently into his shady sunglasses. Crowley made the petty decision to just stare back at her grayscale sharp eyes. Now turning into a full on staring contest between two petty, fallen angels.

The tension crowded the hotel, having the other sinners slightly uncomfortable with how far this went. Luckily, Crowley felt that way as well. “Alright! Alright fine. You don’t need to be such a weird bitch about it, yikes….” He announced in defeat, slightly surprised (and impressed,not that he’d admit it) to see someone more petty than him at his own game (not for long though). Crowley waltzed back into the nearby parlour, muttering something to himself about how he was supposed to put up with these “sinner shenanigans.”

He slumped on the nearest couch, Vaggie and the others actively following back inside to the comfort of their parlour. Vaggie in particular loomed above Crowley, still waiting for his non-existent answer to appear. 

“Well…nghhhr…” He let out an exasperated sound, “you already know about the “Non-Armageddon”? I swear to god, it was the only shit sinners could talk about down here. And yes, indeed it’s true I stopped it but then they… they uh…” Crowley slurred his words slightly, not in fact wanting to retell this traumatic moment in his eternity, “They tried to discorporate me with some holy water but I was built different so that didn’t work and umm.. Yeah. This morning Lord Beezlebub called me in for this job, I had no choice though because this was my ridiculous punishment. For surviving certain death.”

Crowley gazed at Vaggie silently, anticipating that was the kind of answer she wanted. The other surrounding sinners of the parlour, more or less,  were all shell shocked by his string of scarring events. Except for the fellow fallen angel, of course.

“Hmmm, I suppose that’s reasonable... no sane demon would come down to the Pride ring willingly. Just be wary when you go into the city, never know what kind of sinner will want to steal your power.” Vaggie replied calmly (a hint of suspicion still lingering in her eyes), finally taking her eyes off Crowley's inert demeanour. However, her underwhelming response only agitated him more.

Seriously? I spilt the tea and you ain’t even sipping it??

“Anyways Mr Crowley I guess we have to introduce you to our staff!” Vaggie announced, clapping her hands together in a no-nonsense fashion. “According to this ‘paper’ you’ll be with us for a while.” She held up the paper, raising an eyebrow. It wasn’t even recognizable as a paper at this point.

“Alright, so the basics: Husk is our bartender, Alastor is our host, Niffty is the maid and Angel Dust is our sorta first resident of this hotel.” Vaggie rapidly informed, no time for the brain to even process these words. “Charlie is the owner and creator of this hotel to redeem souls into heaven and I am here to support her dreams like everyone else here. So do you think you got all that?”

The only thing Crowley got was the fact he did not pick up any of that. 

“Wait wait wait. Hold on.” Crowley stuttered, unable to keep up with Vaggie. The cogs in his smooth brain were still processing this when one of the sinners finally decided to take a shot at the broken demon.

“Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you, I see you are quite the gentlemen per say. Love the dark duke look on you!” ‘Alastor’ complimented whilst shaking Crowley’s static hand. 

“It’s actually not gentleman- oh for fuck’s sake, I can’t give a shit.” Crowley sighed dismally since no one ever guessed his gender right- aside from Aziraphale, of course. Before seeing Alastor’s ‘angelic’ smile up close for once, it never occurred to him that sinners would lack basic hygiene. Crowley was never one to be a stickler about something but the bad breath was getting to him.

“For the love of Satan, what have you eaten recently, human flesh? Those yellowing teeth and stinking breath don’t suit you very well.” He commented, his nose scrunching up slightly in disgust. Alastor’s jaunty smile tightened slightly, tired of beings assuming they could speak to an Overlord in such a disrespectful manner. My my, he must be one pretentious bitch. 

“Ah yes well, there’s no keeping up with such measly activities when you have a hotel to host!” Alastor assured him, his crooked smile tightening. “I’m sure an immortal being like you could understand the distaste for such pointless human tasks.”

“But aren’t you a sinner? Making you… literally human?!”

Crowley raised a brow at Alastor’s lazy excuse. He didn’t question it any further though, just decided to deal with the snobby demon from a distance in the future. 

“Besides I don’t see much of a hotel to host, unless you're hosting some bugs fucking in the corner.” Crowley couldn’t resist the urge to comment on it like the little petty bitch he is. There was no comeback from Alastor afterwards. Just a jolly good smile, and narrowed eyes. Crowley let go of his hand for once, wiping it a bit on his sleeve. That jolly good smile was slowly becoming unsettling…

Vaggie bumped in between them to not cause further arguments. 

“Alright guys… So uh, you met, great but now let’s talk about the elephant in the room.”

“The fact that we now have a fallen angel working at our hotel?” The black cat replied sarcastically. He was a little tipsy making his way to the lounge area, almost falling onto the sofa beside Crowley. More like two fallen angels, Vaggie thought to herself.

“I mean I guess we already addressed it, Husk?” Vaggie questioned. None of them still knew much about Crowley other than the fact that he’s apparently a babysitter, and being held against his will. Twinning with Husk, it seemed.

“You know what, forget it Husk, he’s just here now.” She brushed off, starting to pace in front of the couch. “Okay, so Charlie is dealing with something very important, so while she’s gone, we are making a new commercial.” 

Crowley snorted to himself. A goddamn commercial?? Wow, they really ARE desperate for sinners to flock here.

Vaggie continued on her little rant, “One that represents her vision, and what we’re doing here. So we need a camera! Alastor?”

In a snap of light, he summoned a vintage camera. Possibly the first ever invented camera. Crowley couldn’t help but snort at the irony.

“A video camera.”

“Hmm…”

Another snap occured, fabricating a newer video camera into Vaggie’s hand. The lens as an eye and patch work was definitely not ominous at all.

“All right, let’s do this!”

“Hey Crowley, Vaggie told me to give you the script to look at,” Husk said from across the bar counter. A clawed hand slid the script towards Crowley.

Crowley was sprawled out on his bar chair, legs kicking back and forth lazily. He still doesn’t get why he was meant to be here. He’s just meant to babysit- supervise the princess of hell. Not ‘help out’ with crummy hotel ads. 

“Ngh…” He shoved it away half heartedly, not even giving it a second glance, “Don’t need it.” He doesn’t even need to say anything really, why bother to read the other’s lines? 

Husk raised an eyebrow and held the script in two hands, “Alright then….”

“And….. action!” Vaggie stood off to the side, a smile on her face as she held up the camera to her one good eye.

Husk stood behind the counter, squinting at the stack of papers in his hands, “Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel,” He drawled, “Can I help you with anything?”

Angel sat on the bar stool across from Husk with a flirtatious smirk.

“I’ve been a baaaad boy…” He dragged himself across the counter seductively to the point where he was basically posing on top of it. 

Is that sanitary ??

“And I need a big, strong daddy to put me in my place…..” He flirted, Husk cringing slightly as he leaned away, “On the path to redemption.” Angel tacked on the final line with a completely different tone.

Husk groaned at his theatrics, “Well you come-”

“Ohhh yes!” Angel moaned loudly.

Both Crowley and Husk scowled. Crowley kicked his leg on the ground to make his stool face away from Angel and face the camera. That bitch was the farthest thing from ‘angelic’ in that hotel.

“-to the right place…”

“Cut!” Vaggie said suddenly, cutting through the tension (sexual and not sexual) that the ‘actors’ had made, “Okay Angel, I need you to be less horny, if that’s even possible. Husk, can you maybe not have the script right in front of your face?” She asked.

“I ain’t no actor c’mon, I can’t memorise this shit!” Husk defended himself angrily.

“Well we could improv this shit baby cakes, rawr…” Angel purred with lidded eyes, dragging his hand across the cat’s chin as he stared down at the other sinner.

Husk (refusing to entertain this any longer) shoved the spider demon off the counter with one arm and Angel fell to the floor with a loud bang. Crowley snickered slightly. The cat killed curiosity. Or… wait-

“Whoops,” Husk shrugged unapologetically, a hint of a smirk on his lips.

“Husk, come on!” Vaggie exclaimed, “And Mr. Crowley…”

Aw, come on.

“Please just sit on the chair correctly?” Vaggie pleaded.

Crowley slumped further in the chair, arms crossed on his chest, “Whaddya mean? I am sitting correctly.”

Vaggie narrowed her eyes, “You know what I mean.”

“I… I really don’t, Vaggie,” Crowley didn’t understand, he was sitting as he normally would on chairs. But to another person’s sight (Vaggie’s) he was basically falling off the chair, man spreading to the extreme.

“Just sit on the chair so your spine doesn’t look like it’s broken!” Vaggie exclaimed.

Crowley slumped a little less. 

Vaggie groaned.

“Oh c’mon babe he looks fine!” Angel exclaimed from the floor, “A little too fine…” He wiggled his eyebrows at Crowley. Crowley decided to move one barstool away.

“Yes! That, that’s perfect!” Vaggie exclaimed, and he rolled his eyes slightly, “Now just remember your line Mr. Crowley… sir.”

At that, Crowley perked up, raising an eyebrow at her, “I get a line?”

A script was again waved in front of his face and Crowley looked up to see the hand was connected to Husk. He squinted at the multitude of words on the paper before finding the one connected to his name.

Right there, in red pencil. His line was near the bottom of the damned script. That’s probably how he didn’t know about it. (It was also maybe because he didn’t look at the fucking thing, but Crowley would never admit that).

“I’m so excited to be here at the Hazbin Hotel… you should definitely come and hang out with me… hey, I don’t sound like this!” Crowley protested. This script was just blatantly insulting him! He wouldn’t just ask random sinners to ‘hang out’ with him.  Crowley’s tempted to just ask if he can opt out of the commercial if this is how they decided to characterise him, but he had a feeling that Vaggie’s streak of stubborness wouldn’t let that happen.

Vaggie rolled her eyes, “Yeah well, should’ve said that when I asked if the script was okay.”

Crowley rolled his eyes and balled up the script, throwing it at Vaggie’s feet, “Can’t we… I don’t know, improv it! It’s just a hotel ‘innit?”

Vaggie’s eye twitched.

“Alright finally! Next scene we should be in.. one of these guest rooms..” 

Vaggie muttered to herself, scanning which of the hotel rooms were deemed most acceptable. Crowley ambled slowly behind Vaggie, still irritated he had to film the next scene. 

I swear to Satan, one scene should be more than enough.

He didn’t pay much attention to his surroundings, until a little bug nearly tripped him up.

“Shit!” Crowley sweared, stumbling back into Vaggie.

“Hey, watch where you’re going! Oh hey Niffty.” 

The creature giggled under his feet, a huge eye silently staring into his soul. Crowley started to realise how ominous his yellow eyes might be to others if that's just one eye on a 4 foot cyclops, staring up at him. In a single blink of an eye, she crawled upon the tall duke, seizing his lapels and looming over him. An inch away from his face. 

“Why is your hair so long?” Niffty questioned Crowley, her intense gaze examining every inch of him.

“Wait wha-”

“Are you a girl? Why do you wear sunglasses indoors? Is there something wrong with your eyes? What’s that on your neck? Are you a snake? Ooh, hehehe,” She pulled away to giggle maniacally before turning back,“Are you a naughty snake?”

Crowley was a little overwhelmed by the insane amount of questions the ‘Niffty’ had peppered him with. She was eagerly waiting for a response on his part. Or just catching her breath before her intense queries would start again. However, he tried his best to answer all her peculiar questions.

Huh, she’s worse than me , I can see why she’s in hell.

“Niffty, you don’t need to scare him so bad on his first day.” Vaggie nagged her, already up ahead after finally finding a passable room. “Sorry Mr Crowley, but she’s always like this.”

“No no, s’alright. Just…” He picked up Niffty by her dress collar. She just had a small smile. No thoughts behind that eye. “Unexpected.”

He let go and she swung back onto his suit, reconnecting like glue. Seems like she ain’t letting go until her interrogation is done. Crowley inhaled deeply.

“I like my hair long. Technically. That’s personal. No. Those are scales. Yes. I’d like to think so.” He answered, his speed as rapid fire as her questions had been.

Niffty looked back at him with eyes widened in wonder. It’s not often people can bother to answer all her silly questions, or even catch up with her to answer them. She giggled to herself, loosening up on him a bit but still attached to the suit. 

“Why are you so tall? Are you a clean person? If you’re technically a lady you could be. Do you have a dick? Or the other kind? Why are you dressed in black? Are you depressed? I heard that-”

Crowley pinched her lips shut before another inappropriate query was asked. Although, he did say he was gonna try his best to answer all her questions.

“Alright round 2. I’m just built like this. I don’t think I am. No, neither of those. I think black is cool. Maybe but we don’t talk about that.” Crowley answered yet again. Proud of himself pulling off something heaven could’ve with him never with him. 

“Why do you sound British?”

“Okay, we’re done here.”

Crowley walked around the hallways of the Hazbin Hotel in a daze after Vaggie decided that they were done filming. He was still tired after that blur of a day (well, did Hell have day and night cycles?).

Honestly even though Niffty reminded him of well… him, with all her questions, the shoot for her scene got tiring real fast. She didn’t even say anything in the end, just stared blankly at the camera! And got off scot-free with it; very clever. Crowley should have tried that too.

“Maybe we can fix it in post,”  Vaggie had said. Judging by the fact Crowley had checked basically all the rooms he could think of and Vaggie (nor the princess actually, was she okay?) still wasn’t there, he’d assumed that Vaggie was editing in the lobby and took a break from searching. Though calling it ‘a break’ was giving him too much credit, he got side tracked after seeing a cat running around and had attempted to try and find it again.

He cursed as he tripped over a loose floorboard.

How do the people here expect to fill up all these rooms anyways? The blasted things just keep going on and on and on forever. Crowley was pretty sure he was just going in circles at this point, considering how the rooms looked copy pasted around the entire hotel. 

The only way he could tell apart ones being used and empty ones with no purpose were the decorations that people put on their doors. 

Lights were dimmed and the dull glow reflected on his sunglasses. Or maybe the lights were dim because he was wearing sunglasses indoors, but whatever it was, it gave off horror movie-esque vibes in the hotel and it was giving Crowley the creeps.

He nearly speed-walked right past it but paused when he realised a small figure in the corner of his vision was moving, turning on his heel slowly to face it. He looked down to see what looked like… 

Niffty? She was hunched over something in the supply closet. Crowley saw the object in her hand shine briefly as the small sinner cackled.

He closed the supply closet door. Continuing to walk down the hallways after whatever the fuck that was.

It was only a few moments later that he bumped into a wooden railing. Intricate swirls and designs were carved into the wood, grey light reflecting off the shiny exterior. The light was coming from a TV in the lounge, and he turned to face it curiously.

Crowley raised an eyebrow as Vaggie sat on one of the arm chairs facing the old TV, head in her hands. The audio for what little the group had managed to record playing repeatedly in a grainy loop. She looked so… small, just sitting there alone. 

Well, Vaggie usually was small compared to all the other demons in the hotel, but she seemed small in a metaphorical sense as well. As if the weight of everything that she and Charlie are trying to do has finally hit her, crumpling her into a little ball like he had done to the script.

“Hah,” Crowley mumbled under his breath, leaning on the railing with interest, “I feel you there… Good luck with the depression that comes with attempting to fix things in post. Satan knows I’ve tried…”

Suddenly, a flash of scarlet slithered past Crowley’s feet and into the lounge, right next to where Vaggie sat.

“What the-”

Alastor materialised next to her with his (frankly annoying) grin, “Seems like you’re having a bit of trouble there, hmmm?” His voice echoed through the empty hotel.

Vaggie mumbled something under her breath before staring at the demon next to her, “Why are you even here?” She asked, annoyed.

‘Because I was bored,’ Crowley mentally replied, even if the question wasn’t directed at him.

Apparently Smiles had a similar idea as he grinned down at the discoloured sinner. “For entertainment, of course! I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and fail spectacularly! Like you are doing now! Good job.” Alastor patted her on the head in a patronising manner, and with a scowl she slapped his hand away.

Oh, well that… that was a bit harsh but to be honest, he wasn’t wrong. What the princess was trying to do was noble, but it was also practically impossible. 

Once someone dies, that’s it- they’re stuck in Heaven or Hell forever. And in Crowley’s case? Once someone falls, you can’t attempt to redeem yourself. Not like he would want to, anyway... He’s on his own side with Aziraphale, and that’s better than any Hell or Heaven.

Vaggie stood up annoyed at the comment, pointed the patchy video camera at Alastor’s face, “And here is Alastor, the egocentric piece of shit that-” 

Something went wrong though as the lens of the camera glowed green, energy crackling before  an electric shocking it out of her hands. Vaggie yelped in surprise (and pain) as the object clattered to the ground.

“I wouldn’t try that my dear,” Alastor chuckled ominously, leaning in, “This face was made for radio….”

Crowley rolled his eyes, he couldn’t see Bambi’s face from where he was positioned, but he imagined that it was doing something creepy as the neck wobbled like jello.

Vaggie scowled, having reached the end of her tether. “That’s it! I don’t care who or what you are. If you’re staying here, you’re gonna make this work! Because it won’t be so en’ertainin’ to watch over an empty hotel, will it shit ass!” She turned and stalked away from the demon in a huff.

Crowley pumped up a fist for Vaggie from the shadows, barely resisting the urge to applaud. Stick it to the man girliepop!

“Fair enough!” Alastor hummed with a wide smile, walking forward to meet Vaggie, “I’ll tell you what, let’s make a deal!”

‘That’s uh, old school to say the least,’ He thought, forgetting that in Hell making deals was one of the only ways that sinners gained power.

Vaggie scoffed, folding her arms. “You think I’m that stupid, to make a deal with a demon like you?”

Alastor waved her words away, letting out a grating chuckle, “Not for your soul my dear, just a simple deal!”

Crowley would’ve done a spit take if not for the fact that he had no water conveniently around him. They make deals, for souls in hell? Satan, what has he missed in the few… well then again, it’s been a while since he’s visited the Pride Ring. He really needs to keep up with Hell’s politics more if this is the shit they pull regularly.

“I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage in this… frivolous television technology ever again,” Alastor rolled his eyes with humour, before turning back to Vaggie..

“Oi!” Crowley called from the shadows, deciding that was enough of that. Vaggie nearly jumped right out of her armchair at the sudden noise. Alastor instead just turned around to look at him with a pinched smile.

“I’ll do it for free!” He yelled out to them from the railings, “Like- ngh - hold on!”

He  stepped forward and jumped off, black wings shooting up and out of his back  before he glided down to the pairing. He reached the lounge swiftly, stumbling for a bit as he landed next to the Radio Demon, wings retreating swiftly into his body.

Crowley brushed down his suit, slightly off-kilter. “I’ll do it for free!” He said, more confidently this time.

Vaggie raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.

“Well I mean, part of my contract is to help out with this dump of a place so the princess doesn’t become heartbroken. And… if making this advertisement a success would count as that then, I’ll do it for free. It’s my job, technically.” 

Taking advantage of others' desperation to make a deal has  no class! It basically forces the other person to do whatever you want. It isn't really help at that point, but then again, when has Alastor ever helped during Crowley’s stay here? His only role at the hotel appears to be pissing everyone off.

(It went unsaid that Crowley just wanted to irritate Alastor as well as help Vaggie keep her soul, I mean honestly- who deals in souls these days? Downright barbaric.)

Vaggie still didn’t believe him. “Well, then why didn’t you just do that earlier?” She asked incredulously, crossing her arms.

“Well I- I mean c’mon you never asked for help did you?” Crowley redirected, “You kinda just told me to sit down and be a little picture-perfect princess for your advertisement.” 

“Asking you to sit properly isn’t asking you to be a- a picture-perfect whatever you said-”

“My point still stands,” He cut her off. Vaggie looked down at the ground in contemplation at the two demons. 

On one hand, Alastor, sketchy as ever, had been around with the group for longer and she had him figured out more. But he’s asking for something in exchange, and every demon worth their salt knows how good Overlords are at exploiting loopholes.

On the other hand, she doesn’t know the infamous ‘wily serpent’ Crowley at all, only knowing about him from stories. For all she knows he has a secret plot to sabotage the whole hotel and its future. At least with Alastor she knows he’s just fulfilling his sadistic need for entertainment.

Alastor, watching Vaggie genuinely think it over, narrowed his eyes. “My dear Vaggie, it breaks my heart that you’d even consider this snake’s offer! When have I ever let you down?”

“This morning.”

“Mmm, different situation.” Alastor hummed to himself with a wide smile. “My point is that you’ve known me for far longer than this miscreant who can’t even show proper manners… who knows how long he was watching us talk? How creepy! Not to mention the dreadful insults he slung at me before!” Alastor clasped his hands together in a mocking sense of despair.

“Oi!” Crowley said, offended, “I got plenty of manners Mr. McGrainy-Audio voice. I was just stating a fact when I said you had no hygiene before.”

Alastor barely glanced at him as his lip curled, smile tightening , “Well I for one don’t have the free time, after all I’m a very busy demon helping Charlie and Vaggie’s noble desire to assist wayward sinners.”

“Very busy man? HAH! with what? This place looks like a horror movie waiting to happen,” Crowley turned around to look at the radio host, “Which is why I’m the best shot at making this place look good. Not some guy who doesn’t even like video cameras.”

“That’s very funny for a demon who hasn’t shown his face in hell for the better part of centuries. At least I know our target audience better. Besides, dialogue is always the most important part of a commercial,” Alastor said pointedly, eyes narrowing..

“I’ll have you know I watched the original Shakespeare plays, so you don’t get to say shit about whether or not something’s good in a 1950’s commercial! I’ve been around since before those were even invented!” Crowley scowled.

“Alright alright enough!” Vaggie cut in between the two, whose faces were practically inches apart at this point, “Satan, you two are pushy... Listen, I’ll think it over and-”

Crowley snapped his fingers, a satisfied smile spreading across his face, “No need, already done!”

The lights of the hotel flickered on as high quality camera gear miraculously materialised into existence. Some spotlights dropped from the ceiling and pointed down automatically to focus on the trio. A new script fluttered down from nowhere and into Vaggie’s hands as she looked down on it in slight reverence and awe. Crowley looked like the cat that got the cream, sending a smug expression at the Radio Demon.

Alastor just shoved Crowley out of the way with his hand, “Well I guess even serpents can overlook something, though with that terrible eye sight of yours it would make sense,” He chuckled and Crowley glared at him, “Why, you forgot the staff who would film this moving picture! Luckily, I have it handled.”

Alastor snapped his fingers and shadow demons of different shapes and sizes materialised behind the cameras and fancy lights in a flash of green smoke. The sinners of the hotel staff phasing into existence, each of them continuing doing whatever they were doing for a split moment before looking around confused.

“And of course-”

“Costumes!” Crowley cut in, pushing Alastor out of the way. He waved his hand in a vague upwards motion and the different sinners around them were fitted with 50’s style clothing. He scrutinised the different outfits, not his first choice but it works.

Vaggie looked around at the new materials she can work with, her floppy wide brimmed hat shadowing her eyes slightly. She grinned with determination.

“Alright everyone! Let’s make a fucking commercial.”

Chapter Text

Crowley snored. Not the monstrous snorting kind but more of a low, long hiss. Monstrous or not, it still made Alastor tweak at the sight of it. The snake slithered around the bed, tossing and turning in a late slumber. Their face was all scrunched up, probably dreaming about recurring nightmares. 

“Are all such high class demons like yourself wasting their time in dreamland?” Alastor said with a hint of amusement, tilting his head to the side. Crowley awoke instantly, jolting upright from the formidable radio demon’s wakeup call. 

“Fuck’s sake, you can’t wake up a serpent like that.” Crowley groaned, still adjusting to being alive. They rubbed their eyes, atoning to the red gaps of sunlight streaming through their dark curtains. Alastor so kindly opened the curtains some more, letting the reign of hell flood into Crowley’s suite.

Crowley hissed at the sight of the scarlet sun rising before snapping back at Alastor again, “Satan, you can’t wake anyone like this! I can’t bear to imagine the poor souls down there having to listen to you yapping at six in the morning!”

“It’s actually seven, but good guess!” Alastor assured Crowley with a wide smile, twisting his neck 180 ° to see the flash bastard in bed. “At least most of these ‘poor souls’ are reasonable enough to know the right time to stay up all night. Sleep is often useless down here anyway, with the sheer amount of entertainment you can find.”

“What, like watching a snake sleep?” 

Alastor’s smile’s smile froze in place for a second, still rather unused to the quick comebacks this demon had offered since they’d set foot into this hotel. “Hm, it can be mildly entertaining watching you writhe around in your slumber, I suppose.”

Alastor strolled his way over to Crowley’s queen-sized bed (because of course they needed a queen size), gripping their elbow with such strength, Crowley couldn’t help but be pulled off the bed.

“Wha- hey!” Crowley yelped as he attempted to grab hold of his sheets to no avail, Alastor now dragging the sloth demon over the carpets. 

Aside from a disgruntled “Hey watch it, I’ll get rug burns!!” they didn’t really try to fight back, it was too early in the morning for that. For the love of Satan, was this really the time demons were supposed to start their day? Absolute insanity, if you asked them.

“Charlie has a special day planned for us we best be ready for!” Alastor’s smile widened as he raised his staff in the air. “You should try and appear as a functioning individual for once, if that’s not too straining for you, my good fellow!”

At this point, they had already been dragged out the door and Crowley’s skin had started to burn on these damn red carpets. They were really under the impression that Charlie would just give up after the news? 

Crowley groaned at the thought of a ‘special day’ knowing this Charlie girl tends to act a lot like her dad. His special planned days were, needless to say… a bit of a drag; delusionally cheerful and cheesy all whilst we’re literally trapped within the deepest, darkest pits of hell. Crowley was never surprised when he threw rubber ducks in as well, somehow (they quite enjoyed that).

Lost in thought, they didn’t realise that Alastor was already approaching the main stairway towards the lobby (already?!). It slowed the Radio Demon’s pace a little as Crowley’s room was on a particularly high floor, so they could avoid the other residents – clearly, it wasn’t working in their favour. From Crowley’s lowered viewpoint (also known as the floor), the stairs appeared much larger than they had before.

Satan, it was gonna be one hell of a shit-show being dragged down those stairs. 

Wait…

Alastor’s pace became faster, long legs taking wide strides as they approached the immense stairs. They tapped Alastor on his left knee in a panic, “Okay, okay very funny big guy, you can put me down now!! I can get down these myse-” 

THUD-THUD-THUD. CRASH. BANG. THUD-THUD-THUD. (insert falling down stairs noise like wtf do i use).

Alastor completely ignored all of Crowley’s grumbling (which mostly consisted of petty complaints with the occasional pained yelp), his sadistic smile widening with every step he dragged the demon down. Alastor didn’t initially have any intentions to harm them, just pester or irritate them, but the snake demon had made it too entertaining not to! This torture was just a bonus. 

Finally arriving at the bottom, the group already waiting there were faced with a neatly dressed Alastor with his wide smile, looking a touch more smug than usual. And then their gazes moved downwards to Crowley in a heap on the carpet dressed in silk pyjama pants – the shirt had been lost somewhere on the stairs.

Bloody hell, the radio bitch could’ve at least WARNED me before giving me third-degree rug burns. 

“Alastor!” Charlie exclaimed, eyes wide with surprise as her gaze moved to the demon on the floor, “And... er, Crowley?”

“Mmm, yeah. That’s my name, don’t wear it out.” They responded tiredly, fiery hair all mussed up and expression still a tad dazed.

Charlie dragged a hand down her face, inhaling deeply before turning back to the Radio Demon. “Alastor, could you try and be a liiittle more lenient to our supervisor when it comes to wake-up calls? We don’t want to give a bad impression so soon, especially to one who appears to enjoy slumber.. He is a snake demon, after all..” Charlie asked politely with a bright smile, looking up at Alastor whose smile tightened at the edges.

“Come now, how are we supposed to start the day without our supervisor? I believe my methods are deemed acceptable enough to wake up the wily serpent.” Alastor responded matter-of-factly before dropping Crowley’s arm– they instantly collapsed face-first onto the carpet. 

They let out a heavy sigh, letting themselves lie on the floor lazily for a few moments before slowly getting to their feet. In one swift click of their fingers, Crowley was all decked out in their usual outfit; black suit with silver tie (and a turtleneck today because they were feeling a lil’ saucy). 

Alastor side-eyed Crowley’s new appearance with a hint of surprise… this one didn’t break easily. 

Excellent. 

Alastor’s smile widened as he spoke “Feeling better, my good fellow?”

“Nghh, sure… Just get on with it, Charlie.” Crowley strolled over to join the rest of the group on the spread of furniture in the parlour – they made a point to sit as strangely positioned as possible. This usually pisses off the Radio Demon, they thought. But irritatingly enough, as Crowley glanced around the Radio Demon was nowhere to be seen.

He dragged me all this way just to leave me behind?! I swear, the audacity of that strawberry pimp. 

“Thank you Crowley. And thank you Alastor for gracefully dragging him down here… wherever he went…” Charlie scanned the room as well to find no signs of her fellow host. She glanced at Vaggie questioningly but she just shrugged, so Charlie moved on and began speaking.

“Alright , so the extermination is coming in six months instead of a year!! No big deal. Just a little setback! Nothing we can’t handle, just angels cutting our timetable in- in half!!” Her tone became increasingly frantic, “But who needs a whole year to save souls?! Am I right? And next year, when they cut the time in half again and again and again, we’ll just- we’ll be able to handle it, right??”

Vaggie stepped in, holding Charlie’s hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze, “Yes, we will.”

Crowley resisted the urge to snort. Ha, good luck with that. Those bitches can’t negotiate for shit.

“Oh please, ya had less than half a chance when you started all this salvation bullshit.” It seemed like Angel was running on the same wavelength as Crowley. “And now, well, there ain't no silver lining this time, toots.”

Charlie faltered, gripping her girlfriend’s hand like a lifeline. “I’m… I’m sure there is! We just have to look a little harder for it!!”

“Well, while you’re lookin’ and lookin’ for something that doesn’t even exist, the rest of Hell is going nuts!. People are already freaking out about the news. Look at what’s happenin’ in the Doomsday District...” Angel showed his phone to the group, videos upon videos full of panicked carnage scrolling by.

Crowley glanced over at the spider’s phone briefly, before doing a double-take. “What the hell is a donkey show?”

“Ah! Heh, nothing.” Angel quickly took his phone back, sliding it into his pocket. “My boss, Val, is just freaked out about the news too,” Angel tried to cover, rubbing the back of his neck with one of his hands, “Like I said, everyone’s losing their shit.”

Vaggie contemplated Angel’s remarks for a moment, slowly coming to a realisation. “Yeah, that’s… true. Sinners are desperate. Maybe... desperate enough to try anything to escape the extermination?” 

Vaggie smiled as she cast a meaningful glance over at her girlfriend, who gasped, her eyes lighting up.

“This is the PERFECT time to recruit more sinners for the hotel!!” Charlie squealed, her hands flailing in the air. 

That’s not half bad, Crowley thought to himself. However, they’re also forgetting the fact they were in… Hell. Fucking hell. 

“That’s a nice idea, but it’s literal hell. You really wanna try recruiting at this time?” Crowley pointed towards a reddened window gazing out into the street – splattered by something that wasn’t paint.

“Well, it’s not like people are just gonna show up on our doorstep-”

BANG!

Something exploded loudly behind Charlie and she let out a yelp, spinning around. Smoke started to fill the room and everyone glanced around, shocked and confused. They all found a massive gaping hole in one of the bar’s dirty walls, an unfamiliar voice yelling from outside.

“SHOW YOURSSSSELF, ALASTOR!!” 

“Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me…” Crowley groaned, running a hand through their hair- they were starting to get sick of all the chaos here. The others didn’t spare the demon a second glance before rushing outside, and Crowley’s groan intensified as they reluctantly joined the others.

Outside, a tall snake demon grinned viciously from the control panel of a huge steampunk death blimp. The interior was grand, decorated with smooth black walls with gold accents, surprisingly there was little-to-no red to be found.

Given the fact that it was basically hell's primary colour you would think there would be more. Small egg-like creatures scrambled (ha) around in the main area near the base of the controls, all glancing around at the yellow stained windows.

The snake sinner pointed dramatically at the Hotel, malicious smile widening, “COME AND FACE-” 

All of a sudden, he paused and glanced at the hole in the wall, swiftly realising Alastor… wasn’t even there. 

An egg minion near the bottom waved to catch his boss’s attention, before pointing eagerly at a balcony on the second story, redirecting his attention there. The invaders found the deer in question was apparently having a drink in a silly mug at a small table, and the snake demon’s eyes widened.

“Aha, there you are! FACE MY WRAAAATH!!” The demon was finally able to finish his dramatic sentence.

Alastor leisurely took a sip from his cup, gazing up at the death blimp in the sky with an irritating lack of terror that the snake demon bristled at. “Who are you?” The Radio Demon’s smile widened, as he raised an eyebrow..

“Who am I?” The snake sinner narrowed his eyes at the other demon, frustrated. “Who am IIIIII ? I am the great Ssssir Pentious!! Inventor, architect of dessstruction! Villain extraordinaire!!!”

Alastor’s smirk widened as he melted into the ground, reforming next to the group who were watching from the front of the hotel. 

The four, (Charlie, Angel, Vaggie, and Crowley) didn’t even blink at his entrance right beside them, which Alastor would probably be slightly peeved at later.

Crowley crossed their arms, scrutinising the massive machine in the air. ‘How the fuck did he get so much quality metal in Hell? If this was what these sinners’ Hell was like, frankly he was starting to get jealous- this was miles more impressive than a dingy underground base. ’

“Oooo, he’s a bad boy!1” Nifty grinned from Alastor’s shoulder.

The deer demon just picked her up by the scruff of her dress, placing her down on the ground before turning back to the Snake demon with an amused chortle, “Ha! Well if all of that is true, you think I would’ve heard of you!”

‘Sir Pentious’ lost some of his bravado, looking slightly confused and offended from inside his blimp, “I attacked you literally last week??”

Alastor tilted his head with a squint.

‘Does it look better at a 45 degree angle, bitch?’ Crowley thought, already done with this nonsense as they folded their arms.

“We’ve done battle… like… twenty times??” 

“Well, you must've been really bad at this!” Alastor mocked, which, yeah, fair, Crowley can see where he was coming from.

“SILENCE!!” Sir Pretentious exclaimed, looking rather frustrated now, “Now COWER!! For when I’ve ssslain you, the all mighty Vees will finally acknowledge ME as their equal.”

Nifty leaned forward, curious, “Oooooo… who are the Vees?”

“Oh, nobody important…” Alastor waved his hand dismissively.

Crowley raised an eyebrow. Huh… well, now they’re curious. They bent down next to Vaggie to ask, “So… who are the Vees?” She glanced at them, raising a confused eyebrow.

 “What do you mean, who are the Vees? Is that a joke?”

Crowley shrugged as they watched Alastor leisurely lift his microphone and point it towards the blimp. A crevasse in the earth opened and dozens of black tentacles emerged, and started… Satan, tearing that snake demon’s blimp limb from limb.

“Nah, seriously I mean…. Are they important or something?” Crowley doesn’t really care if Alastor doesn’t deem the Vees as important. He seems to have been living under a rock the past seven years, anyway. Well, technically all of Hell has, ha.

Vaggie rolled her eyes, “Sometimes I forget that you don’t travel to Hell that often, you fit right into this madness….” She sighed, “Look. Basically, the Vees are this… trio of mega corporation Overlords that rule over anything technology based.”

One of the tentacles punctured through the side of the death blimp, part of it exploding- Crowley winced as some sort of egg creature fell down into the hole in the earth, shrieking all the way. He was starting to feel sorry for this snake demon, despite himself.

“Well, first there’s Velvet, she controls social media. She’s the youngest and a total diva with a penchant for pictures,” Vaggie huffed, folding her arms, “She really likes selfies. Or at least that’s how it appears, if you’ve ever seen any of her socials.”

Crowley’s eyebrows raised incredulously, and it took a physical effort to not laugh out loud. “ Really ?”

“Really.”

They snickered. “Oh, that’s fucking hilarious -”

Vaggie side-eyed the demon, curious yet slightly concerned, “What’s so funny about that…?”

“It’s funny because I invented selfies,” Crowley grinned, sharp and toothy, “Never thought someone in hell would monopolise them.”

“I-” Vaggie’s brain clogged up for a moment before restarting, and she gave a resigned sigh, “I’m honestly not surprised, knowing you so far…”

Crowley’s snickering came to a stop, “Wait what does that mean-”

“Er! Well, then there’s Valentino-”

“ Maggie -”

“ And then there’s Valentino ,” Vaggie continued pointedly, “He owns most of the film industry, and has a love for making porn movies. He’s Angel’s boss, and from what I’ve heard he does not treat his employees well. None of the Vees do, really…”

Crowley raised an eyebrow, “Angel is a porn star? Huh.” That’s some irony right there.

Vaggie glanced over at them, surprised, “You didn’t know?”

“Well I… come on, I mean you guys really don’t talk about yourselves that much,” Crowley defended, folding his arms defiantly.

“He literally mentioned it this morning?” Vaggie said incredulously.

Crowley deflated. In their defense, they don’t really commit stuff about other people to memory that much…

A rumble shook the ground but the two were unfazed  at this point, knowing it was just Alastor being Alastor.

“And then there’s Vox. He owns the biggest tech company in hell. He calls it ‘VoxTech’,” Vaggie said, making air quotations with her hands, “He has cameras pretty much everywhere.”

“Before Alastor disappeared for seven years, the two were notorious for loathing each other and battling it out anywhere and everywhere. Some people theorise that it’s because of a final fight with him that Alastor disappeared for seven years, to lick his wounds.”

Crowley’s interest peaked, “Is that so…” This Vox guy might not be half bad if he doesn’t like Alastor as well, and he sounded pretty powerful if he could beat the Radio Demon in a fight- those shadowy powers were nothing to be scoffed at, that was for sure.

They glanced off into the distance behind the death blimp, spotting a dark blue drone hovering in the air, watching them… huh. Crowley did a small wave to the camera, smiling widely for the picture.

You know what they say, you’re never fully dressed without one.

Chapter Text

Vox was getting on his last nerve. His left eye glitched out as Valentino continued teasing the short tv.

“Hey, killing Alastor is your kink~,” Valentino strutted towards the towering computers and turned on a centre screen, showcasing the hotel’s entrance. In a static zap, Vox was directly in front of the addictive screen, staring intently for that radio bitch. 

The screen panned out to a scene of Alastor’s measly little battles with a lower demon — I mean is it really a battle if he always wins? The tiny deer laughed maniacally, taking pleasure in destroying that ‘battle’ vessel.

“Um, Alastor? I think he’s had enough,” Charlie commented from behind. The radio demon seemed to have no interest in others opinions for his feud. 

“Yeah man, I think the poor sod is about to surrender,” Crowley added on, staring upon this wreck of a challenge.

“Nah, he’s got a few more hits in ‘im!” Angel appears to be enjoying this whole shitshow going down. Literally. 

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

With a quick thud, the poor sod slapped against the concrete floors in a shameful loss to Alastor. Crowley peered up at his spaceship (battleship? skyship?) and saw a quick glimpse at something hovering behind it. 

Vox stared back at the screen, Crowley waving back at his hidden device. Vox glitched out a little about how much it reminds him of Alastor.

“Hey Val who’s that little fucker? I haven’t seen him around town yet,” The red haired demon (that wasn’t Vox’s arch nemesis believe it or not) seemed like a client of his yet Val shakes his head unknowingly.

“Not sure actually, he’s kinda hot though. Would make lots of money,” Val responded, staring quite intently at the new hotel guest, “I mean if neither of us haven’t seen him, it could just be fresh meat coming in.”

Vox believed that was a very probable idea since the overflow of hell was at an all time high (for some reason). They both continued observing the group beneath the screen, carefully keeping an eye on this new ‘sinner’ who has entered town. 

Crowley yawned at the underwhelming battle — in the end, all that snake could steal was a bit of the deer’s coat. However, other rounded objects were falling from the sky and… cracking? Charlie shuffled slightly as an ‘egg’ cracked elegantly at Crowley’s feet. They were a bit startled at the sight of it spewing inside, especially onto their sleek shoes. Despite the other snake’s miserable attempt at challenging Alastor, his eggs didn’t deserve the carnage. Crowley snapped their fingers swiftly as the yolk vanished from their shoes. Staring down at their feet instead was a little joyful egg — they shooed it away however, not wanting to get attached easily. 

“Holy shit did you see that Val??” Vox pointed at the screen vigorously at the new guy’s magic trick on the egg. Val was very confused, squinting through his tinted red glasses.

“He repaired the egg?”

“Well yeah no shit but that egg was dead! Fucking, he brought an egg to life!” At this point, Vox sounded like he was a little crazy. Maybe needs to take his meds again. After all, you can’t really bring something to life in hell. 

“I mean, anyone could do that… With time probably,” Val tried to brush off the new guy’s talents. The probability this new guy is more powerful concerns the Vees a little, “If he’s so special then, maybe we can have him working for us. Have that sweet power of his.”

Vox thought of that idea of Val’s. It does sound really tempting, especially that fact it could help with their corporation. However…

“Let’s just- let’s just wait, watch him for a bit. See if that was the only trick up his sleeve or if there’s more.. Besides, there’s still that radio fucker to keep an eye on as well,” Vox tried to play it cool, focusing his attention on his decade long archnemesis. ‘I mean, the new guy was just bluffing right? Right??‘

BOOM!

There was a sudden explosion and the lesser snake demon was sent careening through the air and across the city. Being so far away that Crowley had to squint through their designer sunglasses, but even then they couldn’t see where that Sir Pretentious fellow landed.

Alastor turned around and grinned at the group, “Welp it looks like I’ll need a visit to the tailor,” He said, referencing to the new tear among all the old tears in his coat. He walked off to the front gates of the hotel, “Best of luck chums!”

“Wait, you're leaving!?” Vaggie exclaimed, “Alastor we need your help!” Well…. Crowley begs to differ…

“We need you to do your job?”

“We need a wall,” Angel added.

The Dr. Facillier wannabe turned around with his ears (hair? Fluff?) perked up, “Of course! I can’t let my new project fall into disrepair already, what would the papers say!!”

Crowley rolled their eyes and snapped their fingers at the same time Alastor snapped his. In one second, a group of shadow demons with various tools and hard hats manifested from the ground where the melodramatic show off was standing. In that same second, the wall behind Crowley built itself in a near instant with a small flash of red light.

Alastor narrowed his eyes in annoyance at Crowley and they just shrugged smugly in response.

The deer demon just turned his back on them, with the comment, “Make sure that the wall isn’t incompetent and weak.” Before disappearing into the distance.

Charlie nodded (more seriously than she should) while Crowley looked at Alastor’s retreating back with exasperation written all over their face. His back and that stupid undercut. How, fucking , dare he call their wall’s ‘weak’. Their walls were not weak! They were mediocre at worst.

Angel chuckled at the new shadow demons, “Oh ho ho~?” He said as he sauntered (though worse than Crowley’s saunter it, still had the same effect) over to an extremely beefy demon, “Hey sweet cheeks? Watcha doin’ later? I love me a man with a giant…. tool …”

Vaggie walked up to the sinner and caught him by one of his lower arms,  “Ok can you stop being horny, like, right now-”

“Wha- HEY!”

“-We still got a meeting to finish,” She said as she walked past Charlie and Crowley, dragging a disgruntled Angel behind herself.

“Actuallyyyy-” Charlie started as she followed the two inside.

Crowley groaned, bringing up the rear end of the group, and she winced.

“I thought maybe we could use this opportunity to get to know each other a little better y’know? Do some ice breakers, catch up with the team!” Charlie explained as Crowley closed the door behind the group.

Angel just stood up from Vaggie’s grasp (frowning at her in the process), cracked his back, and went to fling himself onto the couch, “Not gonna happen toots.”

Vaggie walked off towards the wall that was broken earlier, Charlie following her close behind. “We know each other plenty,” Vaggie told her as they walked, “What more is there to tell? Angel’s an asshole,” Angel flipped her off in response, “Husk is a drunk asshole,” Husk rolled his eyes from behind the counter, “Nifty is… weird, and then Crowley is….”

The two turned to look at the snake demon, said snake demon staring at the two tiredly. Under their sunglasses, one eye blinked slower than the other, though the couple couldn’t tell from where they were standing.

“...a dumb asshole-”

“Wh- WHAT!?-”

“Well, Vaggie,” Charlie responded as her girlfriend started knocking random areas of the wall with her knuckles, “There’s so much more to a person than meets the eye! If we want to make this hotel the best place it could ever be then we need to trust and accept and bond with each other’s true selves. Besides, I think you secretly want to know our mysterious new supervisor better too…” She tacked on at the end quietly and Crowley rolled their eyes, hearing the two crystal clearly. 

Right then, that was the secret ploy. Secretly get more information out of them. Possibly understand more of why they’re here even though they explained it pretty well when they first met the others. Possibly to know if they’re evil or not (which, is a complicated answer at the moment but they’re definitely not ‘good’).

They’ve heard enough so they decided to stop listening to the two, walking over to the couch and staring at Angel for a moment. His body was taking up all the space on the cushions, well that wouldn’t do. Crowley narrowed their eyes before shoving his legs off (“HEY!”) and plopping down into the empty seat, not caring about the grumbling next to them.

Crowley miracled the remote to the TV into their awaiting hand. Right then, what to watch-

“Crowley, Angel!” Charlie exclaimed excitedly as she came over, “Ok so Vaggie agreed that we can do some ice breakers with the group before we leave to go recruit more sinners. Isn’t that fun!”

It was meant with a resounding groan from everyone that wasn’t Charlie and Vaggie.

“That’s the spirit!” She said as she sat down on the carpet. Vaggie situating herself at the base of a plush chair next to the couch and directly across from Charlie. The two effectively making the space between the four demons a pseudo square..

“Can’t we just ngh - I dunno watch the TV? Isn’t that an ok thing to do these days-” They said as they clicked the on button on the remote. Which was clearly a mistake when the TV started blasting music.

“Welcome to the show~” A voice sang.

A blueberry sinner with a TV head spun around in a chair with a grin. “Breaking news” headlines under him, and an “Artist rendering” of--–Crowley squinted—-a triangle man with a microphone.

“TOP OF THE HOUR! 

And we're discussing a certain has-been,

Who has been spotted cavorting around town,

After a seven-year absence,

Did anybody miss hi-”

Crowley went to turn off the TV immediately. They did not want to get involved with whatever the fuck that is.

“ Did anybody notice? ” The TV inside the TV pushed away the artist rendering of the triangle man with a grin, “ More on tonights program!”

What the fuck , why wasn’t it turning off?

The TV glitched out to a different scene to reveal the same TV sinner on a chair with another version of him behind a desk.

“So the Radio Demon’s back in town?

Why’s he hanging around?

What does that mean for your family?

Well handily I’ve got good news-”

Another scene change.

“He’s a loser,

A fossil,

And I don’t mean to sound hostile-

BUT THE DEMON IS A COWARD!”

Crowley sneezed. The phrase seemed so familiar but they can’t quite put their finger on it.

The circle of this… weird box head suddenly focused on the one standing in the middle dressed as a pope. What the hell was going on!? Honestly this was such a fucking bad channel, like all these changes of scenery and shit really weren’t good for casual consumers. 

“You can take that as gospel!”

Crowley tried to turn off the TV again, getting increasingly frustrated as it just won’t. Turn. Off.

“Hey uh, big guy, you need my help?” Angel asked from his spot next to them..

“Play my viewers? Impossible!”

“I’ve got this…” Crowley grumbled.

“I’m visual!

He’s barely audible.

Stop giving him the time of day!

Don’t listen to a word he’d say!

I hope he had a nice vacay-

BUT HE SHOULD’VE STAYED AWAY!”

‘This has got to be one of the most pretentious fuckers I’ve seen so far,’ Crowley thought idly as they kept spamming the off/on button on the remote. Too deep in their annoyance they barely noticed Vaggie and Charlie awkwardly stand up and leave the hotel. Both of them not really wanting to help Crowley and their predicament of… whatever this was.

“While he hid in radio!”

“OH FUCKING HELL!” Crowley threw the remote at the TV. Missing it by a hair and imbedding the small piece of machinery into the wall next to the bigger piece of machinery, “THIS IS THE BLASTED PIMP'S FAULT ISN’T IT?!”

Angel was taken aback for a moment before he snickered, “The what?”

“We pivoted to video!

Now his medium is getting bloody rare,

Hell’s been better since he split,

Where’s he been?

Who gives a shit!”

A very familiar voice started playing and both Crowley and Angel turned to look at the bar where the voice was originating from.

“Salutations! 

Good to be back on the air!”

Husk scowled at the radio sitting innocently on the bar countertop. Broadcasting the insufferable strawberrie's voice to the denizens of the hotel.

“Yes I know it’s been a while,

Since someone with style treated hell to a broadcast,

Sinners rejoice!”

Crowley summoned the remote embedded in the wall back to their hand. Deciding to take a pot shot at the radio that decided to just manifest that day.

“What a dated voice!?” The TV exclaimed.

“-Instead of a clout chasing,

Mediocre,

Video podcaster.”

The remote glanced off the front of the radio and changed its trajectory to fly at Husk’s face. The cat demon ducking just in time for it to not hit him.

“Come on!” 

“Come on!”

Crowley and the TV exclaimed at the same time.

“Is Vox insecure, pursuing allure,

Flitting between this fad and that,

Is nothing working?”

In Crowley’s brain it just barely registered that the blueberry idiot was Vox Vaggie explained about earlier. Not that they really realised at the moment. Too busy trying to destroy either the radio or the TV. Preferably both.

“Ignore his chirping!!”

“Every day he’s got a new format~”

“You’re looking at the future!

He’s the shit THAT COMES BEFORE THAT!”

Angel raised an eyebrow at Crowley trying (and failing) to stop the noise, “You surreee you don’t want help.”

“I’m fucking fine Angel,” They responded, seething.

“ Is Vox as strong as he propooor- ”

Crowly threw a couch pillow at the radio, knocking it off the countertop and probably somewhere at Husks feet.

“Watch it!” The cat demon exclaimed.

“Or is it based on his support!

He’d be powerless without the other Vee’s.”

“Oh please-”

“And here’s the sugar on the cream,

He asked me to join his team!”

Crowley groaned out loud, covering their ears with the palms of their hands. This music wasn’t very music to their ears.

“Hold on!?”

“I said no and now he’s pissy,

That’s the tea.”

“You old timey prick- ” The TV glitched out for a moment as Crowley drop-kicked it. The device clattering to the ground, screen glitching colours of all sorts. The cable connecting it to electricity snapped off during its descent and there appeared to be a large dent in its metal. 

The music was still playing.

“I’ll show you suff-f-f-ering!”

“Uh oh, the TV is buffering.”

“I’LL DESTROY YOU-U-U-U-”

The TV finally glitched out on the ground and everyone glanced at each other for a moment. 

Someone, no one really knew who, spoke up, “Maybe it’s-”

“I’m afraid you’ve lost your signal.”

Everyone disliked that.

A round of curses, and clatters were heard throughout the hotel. One awkward moment later, Alastor started speaking again.

“Let’s be–gin,

I’m gonna make you wish that I’d stayed gone,

Tune on in~

When I’m done….

You’re status quo will know it’s race is run,

Oh this will be fun…”

There was a small bit of static, and then the radio finally cut out. 

Husk was bent over behind the bar, scrounging up what remained of the radio. There was probably a lot of it left as a pillow can’t really do much damage under normal circumstances. Immediately after Husk put the radio on the bar top, it flew into Crowley’s hand. It was smaller than they expected but really, what more can you add to a fucking old timey radio?

The others watched as Crowley crushed the radio in between their fingers bit by bit. Cogs, springs and pieces of metal falling to the floor with small tings.

Crowley crushed the final piece of metal in their palm and let it drop to the floor, like a crumpled piece of paper in the wind. Immediately when it hit the ground though, green light surrounded all the different pieces. The original sin watched silently as the broken pieces floated into the air and the radio started piecing itself together. 

Crowley took a deep breath in.

Crowley was sprawled along one side of the couch. Snoring slightly as they decided to catch up on the sleep the Bambi looking ass bitch stole. It was peaceful after the weird song number from earlier, and the denizens of the hotel were all quietly doing their own thing.

The two walked in sullenly, Charlie turning to flop onto the couch Crowley was napping on while Vaggie stood off to the side. They were jolted into awareness when the princess’s face was slammed into their thigh. With some grumbling, they awkwardly shuffled to take up less space on the couch.

Charlie groaned loudly into the pillows.

“Soo…. how’d it gooo?” Angel asked innocently. He was sitting casually, scrolling through his phone with one set of arms as the bottom set draped across the sides of the armchair.

He was referring to the fact that during the little musical number, Charlie and Vaggie decided to leave mid-way through to do their ‘recruiting sinners’ mission without telling anyone. Crowley can’t even imagine why they left so soon in the first place. They’re not that scary.

Triangle hair sighed, leaning on the side of the couch, “Not a single new recruit.”

“That seems about right,” Crowley responded, earning themselves a half-hearted glare.

“Look we’re trying here alright,” She said, “ Unlike some people… ”

“Oi what was that-”

Angel shrugged, “Yeah well, who would want to use their last days not fucking and fighting.”

There was a knock at the door and Vaggie turned around to go get it before Crowley waved her off.

“Err don’t worry Maggie,” They stood up, cracking their back, “I got it.” With one step they were in the lobby, the next they were in front of the door.

Vaggie jumped a bit, she was starting to walk to the door but was startled at their sudden appearance and Crowley smirked at her. Internally giggling at her surprised expression. 

She quickly composed herself and grumbled, deciding to just stand a few metres behind them as the knocking came again.

“Alright alright I got it!” Crowley exclaimed. They twisted the door handle, and with a yank, they pulled it open.

Looking down they tried to see who this new guy was, before quickly realising that was just their tail (tail??) and they slowly looked up to see a grinning snake demon with red eyes staring down at them.

“Hello good sssir!” 

What the fuck. 

Crowley stood in a daze, confused not just by him standing out the door but by the fact he survived the substantial explosion blowing him across the pentagram.

“Who is it Crowley? Oh WHAT THE FUCK” Vaggie’s instincts kicked in and landed a solid punch square in his face. Sir Pentious cried out and bent over from that harsh welcoming. 

“Shit Vaggie why’d you do that? It’s not like he attacked us-,” Crowley remembered again from earlier today, “Ohhhhh, yeah you broke our wall.”

“What are you doing here?” She pulled out her spear and pointed the tip of it at Sir Pentious’s face.

Charlie walked over tiredly, “Vaggie, Crowley, what’s the problem? Oh- OH! Hello again.”

Vaggie stood off to the side allowing Sir Pentious to explain himself. “I didn’t come looking for a fight. I uhh- I heard you’re helping people. People who want… to be better?”

Charlie's eyes sparkled brighter than ever, practically jumping at the serpent from his response. She grasped his arms and leaned forward invading his personal space, “You heard right! Welcome to our home of healing. Our resort of restoration! Our-”

“Are you fucking nuts?”

Ah someone with common sense in this hotel , Crowley thought. Out of all the residents they didn’t expect to relate with the pornstar the best. 

“Yeah Charlie this guy tried to kill us like 6 hours ago, and now he’s all changed and gonna live with us?” Crowley added on from the absolute irony of this situation. It can’t get more obvious he’s here for something else.

“Absolutely! This place is about second chances. And who deserves one more than this… slithery… slippery… special little man!” Charlie nudged Sir Pentious a little, he was putting on quite the show acting all innocent for everyone. 

Angel rolled his eyes, he glanced over at Vaggie for some extra help, “Aren’t you supposed to protect this place?”

Vaggie stuttered and stared back at Charlie trying to decline her offer. Charlie threw in the puppy dog eyes as her convincing arguement. Very convincing.

“AH NO, Vaggie you gotta reject her I know this look,” Crowley knew this trick very well having to deal with a certain angel for thousands of years now. Apparently Vaggie’s not strong enough to fend off this trick. Neither is Crowley actually. 

She sighed and gave in to Charlie’s demands with her responding in a series of crushing hugs and gratitude. Charlie led Sir Pentious inside the hotel eager to share every inch of her dream and plans for redemption. Angel Dust and Crowley sideyed the two waltzing inside, still having suspicions on this slippery snake. 

“Eh, I’ll give you a week tops.” Angel betted on.

“I’d give a day even.” Crowley challenged him before following behind Charlie. Upon entering, Charlie had already shown him practically the entire hotel and staff — so far, she’s planning activities for the group to welcome Sir Pentious. Crowley groaned at the thought of more friendship building activities with this kinda of group. Not to offend Charlie but sinners aren't the most trustworthy (or friend worthy) people especially sinners like Angel or Sir Pentious. Crowley never bothered to mention Sir Pentious's secret agenda, knowing Vaggie might figure it out sooner or even Angel. 

Besides, it can’t be as bad as that commercial.

“Woah, I am a bad man on the streets who never got enough hugs,” Angel deadpanned.

The group had shifted the couch around to face Angel and Sir Pentious as they performed some sort of… script? Play? Piece of garbage that Charlie wrote on the spot? That was probably the right one.

Charlie asked Crowley to help her make some outfits. They just miracle-d some stuff from around the hotel, not really bothered to create new outfits. Angel was in an old grey trench coat with questionable blood stains all over it. It was found in one of the supply closets and they try not to think of who or what’s blood is on it.

“Now where is an innocent who I can sell crack to…” Angel read out loud, “Who wrote this?!”

Charlie grinned happily, “It’s great, right? Keep going!”

Angel looked like he wanted to die (again) as he turned to Sir Pentious, “Hey you.”

Sir Pentious was in a better quality outfit than Angel. A weird sailors uniform with yellow accents, topped off with a hat and an oversized lollipop in his hands. Crowley doesn’t know where Charlie got it, but she didn’t take long to find it that’s for sure. It was like it was pre-prepared for this exact scenario. Which really goes to show how dedicated (delusional) Charlie is to this (dumb) project.

Sir Pentious happily fake licked a lollipop before pausing when he was addressed by Angel, “Who, meeee ?” The snake demon a lot more dedicated to the performance than angel.

“..Yeah. You look like a kid who could use some…” Angel squinted at the script, “Devils dandruff? Oh for fucks sake,” He said incredulously.

Sir Pentious shook his head in character, “Noott mee! I have to go home and studyy!!”

“C’mon kid, it’ll make you cool like me… the crackhead…”

Crowley snickered both out of cringe and bewilderment at the choice of words. Charlie really doesn’t know how drug dealers work does she? She is the Princess of Fucking Hell, Crowley feels like she should know her crimes better. They glanced at said Princess, smiling excitedly and looking back and forth between the two.

… Right Crowley forgot what type of demon Charlie is.

“The only cool thing here is to say no to drugs! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to not have sexual intercourse before marriage!!” Sir Pentious said confidently with a hand over his heart. Or at least, where a heart should be if he was still alive.

“YES!!!” Charlie exclaimed as she got up from her seat and clapped excitedly, “OHH BRAVO BRAVO!!” She walked over to Sir Pentious happily, “Sir Pentious at this rate you’ll be redeemed in no time.”

Ehhh… Crowley doubts that. It’s easy acting like a good person, it’s a whole ‘nother ball game being a good person.

They glanced over at Angel as he looked at the happy pair with a dull look in his eyes.

Crowley raised an eyebrow, “Angel…?”

The spider demon looked off to the side, not making eye contact with anyone, “I’m… I’m going to bed…” He said as he walked off to the stairs.

Crowley watched as Angel disappeared sullenly from their line of sight.…. Eh, not their problem. Angel can figure out his own stuff, well, on his own.

Sir Pentious had a serious mission on his hands (or tail). The Vees trusted him enough to spy on the hotel, especially Alastor, HIS archrival. However, as all spy movies go, he has to sneak around without suspicion — he started with the easiest targets. The door creaks slightly, opening out a cold breeze from the hallways. Crowley had a little chill from the sudden gust and curled up more on their queen size bed. Yet they were still sleeping like a princess. 

Sir Pentious began to crawl covertly beyond the sight of the other serpent’s eyes; even if they were closed. He had a small hiss of joy thinking how easy this would be with the unsuspected victim already sleeping soothingly. He bent down lower just in case and crawled his way to the bookshelf opposite of the door, far out against the window. Crowley had the occasional hiss and snore but not enough to notice or startle Sir Pentious. So far so good. Sir Pentious reached out to a higher shelf, getting a better view of their entire room. He stood up straight and laid out the camera next to a few dusty books; one of them caught his eye.  “Coraline” by Neil Gaiman. That name sounds very familiar to him…

“If you want to spy on people, at least do it quick and more subtle,” Crowley muttered. They shifted to their side facing Sir Pentious who was stunned, frozen at the bookshelf. 

“Uhh- I was just- I was not! Err...” Sir Pentious stuttered nervously, trying to explain his situation. Shit! Shit, shit, shit! This serpent was way smarter than he thought. Or he wasn’t as quick and subtle as he thought… He fiddled his fingers and darted his eyes back at that book, Coraline. His hand snatched it out of the cobwebs, “I just needed to borrow a book! Yesssss, that works.”

“Alright take it. You can also take the camera you placed on the shelf.”

Sir Pentious blushed in embarrassment about that comment. This snake was definitely smarter than he imagined. He mumbled to himself trying to escape this awkward situation, “Well uh- Righto, I’ll leave with this book and.. this mystery camera you have.”

“Thanks, and if you’re gonna use cameras at least make them less obvious.”

Sir Pentious deflated a little. How can his mission have already gone so terribly in a few hours! He was left gagged, already discovered by one and soon to be discovered by the rest. Crowley opened one eye trying to spy on the other serpent’s moves before realising that he already left — camera gone as well. They stretch out carelessly, ready to delve back into that great sleep.

Crowley quite enjoyed sleeping, specifically the dreaming bit. They couldn’t remember much this time as it was quite feverish but there was a garden, a nice one. All kinds of plants flourished in this kind of garden, something Crowley always desired. There was also someone else. They haven’t seen them in awhile actually, it was refreshing reliving their smile and laughter and warmth-

THUD!!

Fuck sake just five more minutes, Crowley groaned rolling to their side. They didn’t want to get involved with whatever’s happening down the hallway. Maybe the other hotel members could deal with this. Crowley waited for the noise to quiet down so they could go back to that nice dream. However, it seemed to be getting louder and louder. The muffled sounds started to imitate punches and jabs.

Fine. I’ll do it myself.

Being the lazy demon they are, in a snap Crowley appeared at the doorway of this ‘fight’. They were not used to going from laying down to standing all of a sudden and collapsed into the carpet as their knees gave in. It didn’t alarm the others though, still continuing on their little feud.

“Get your aggressively average body off of me!!” Sir Pentious hissed with an attempt to hypnotise the whorebug. He crawled away trying to find support on the bookshelves behind them. Crowley stood up as Angel approached the serpent, about to witness a murder they thought. Luckily, the lesbians arrived.

“What’s going on?” Charlie yawned, still drowsy from the awakening. 

“This little bitch is a traitor!” Angel announced flinging Sir Pentious’s arm in the air. 

Well if that ain’t obvious enough, Crowley thought leaning against the doorframe. They turned back at the two awoken demons, thinking they could've figured it out by now.

“Preposterous, I would never betray you! You… are my best friends!!” Sir Pentious pulled both of them in for a hug, Crowley side eyeing him the entire time. He started to sweat a little.

“Uh huh.. Then explain this,” Angel pulled a book out of the way to showcase a hidden camera — a Voxtech camera specifically. Sir Pentious was more than sweating now. He glanced over his shoulder to see a disappointed Charlie and a murderous glare from Vaggie. Crowley raised an eyebrow at him, they knew this was gonna happen eventually. 

“Ah! AH! Abort, ABORT!” Sir Pentious raced for the window in a panic. It hasn’t even been 24 hours and his cover was blown.

“See I told you so, you needed to be more quick and subtle about spy stuff like this,” Crowley commented as he tried to open the window (failing miserably). Sir Pentious cried out at his not very subtle Voxtech watch, how did these demons not figure it out sooner???

“Wait Crowley? You knew he was a spy for the Vees?!” Vaggie turned to Crowley in disbelief, “Why didn’t you tell us!”

They groaned at their ignorance, “I mean it was quite obvious, he’s wearing a high tech watch when he’s obviously an outdated sinner. Also he tried to put a camera in my room while I was sleeping.”

“Well you could at least inform us next time we have a traitor!”

“Well you never asked.” 

Vaggie was at her limit. She tried to fight back Crowley’s flimsy excuses when both of them were interrupted by Sir Pentious’s watch, broadcasting a familiar voice. 

“Do us a favour, if they don’t kill you, go ahead and DO IT YOURSELF, YOU MISERABLE FAILURE.”

The whole group stood silenced by the response for a mere mistake. Even Crowley was shocked by the insults he was given. Sir Pentious stared back at the pitiful group, 

“Just make it quick, I guess…” He laid on the ground, tears welling up in his eyes after Vox’s verbal lashing. 

Charlie walked forward to the snake demon, sympathetic to his struggles. ‘That’s really gonna get her in a lotta trouble one day, ’ Crowley thought.

She crouched down and held out a hand to the loathsome sinner.

“ It starts with sorry… ” She sang.

NO- NO NO NO-

Sir Pentious blinked up at her twice with watery eyes. She grabbed two of his hands with two of her own and helped him up to his feet (tail?).

“That’s your foot in the door,

One simple sorry..

Spoken straight from the core,”

She turned around, and did a pseudo-walk dance as a trail of pink glitter at her feet.

“The path to forgiveness,

Is a twisting trail of hearts,

But sorry is where it staaarrtttss…”

Ok Crowley can handle Charlie singing, because she is basically just one of those Disney Princesses and is their Boss’ kid. But if that blathering serpent sings one note-

Sir Pentious grimaced, looking off to the side,

“Who could forgive,

A dirtbag like me…”

Crowley threw up their hands, and turned around 180, straight towards the door, “I’M OUT! I’m out, goodbye souls of the damned!” 

Vaggie only gave Crowley a half hearted glance as they stomped down the hallway and back to their room, all six wings fluffed up in agitation. Grumbling somethings about ‘stupid musicals’ and ‘Lucifer getting ideas’ all the way down the red carpet. They sauntered down the longing dark hallway towards their bedroom. Crowley grabbed onto the handle of their bedroom before realising that the music had ended. A little praise escaped their lips, finally another song over. They heard footsteps usher the other way and the faint sounds of whispers. Crowley never meant to eavesdrop on anyone but this seemed intriguing. They paused for a minute looking across the hallway.

Hmmm what’s this about now?

“Huff... I’m glad he’s truly changed now.”

“Yeah but we can’t expect this for everyone who arrives. They could be like another Sir Pentious.”

“I just hope that they could see the good like him as well. If only we had an example for them.”

“Babe, you're a great example for them.”

“No, not like me… someone like… a true angel. Some angel willing to help or believe in this redemption.”

“Look I don’t know if that’s possible-”

“I know Vaggie we might not have the chance to get one but… it’ll truly help them understand what redemption means. What it’ll be like.”

“Well let’s just dream babe. We can rest for now.”

The voices got too far for Crowley to process anything else. Something did resonate with them though. 

They need… an angel…

Maybe Crowley could be helpful for once.

The phone rang out throughout the bookshop, silence being awakened by the first sound in days. Aziraphale jumped a little from the unexpected ringing, being distracted by another good book. He picked it up, expecting another customer to decline on the other line.

Angel, is this working?

Aziraphale's eyes widened tremendously. He hasn’t heard from Crowley in a few days and was frankly getting worried. “Yes my dear, loud and clear.”

Great, listen. I need help. Well actually someone else needs help and I can help them but I just need you to do it the help instead. 

Ah his wily little serpent. Never great with words. 

“I’m sorry? Could you repeat that Crowley I’m not I understand.” 

Alright, no time to explain. This is a code red.

Aziraphale froze. 

“What? Really? Never sure that was necessary dear.”

Well it is now, get the costume ready.

Chapter Text

“S’alright so I’m gonna be heading out for a few days.”

Crowley announced to the group lounging across the parlour. He felt the need to declare it as someone is gonna tag along with them. The group stayed unfazed though, a little confused by his sudden outing. Charlie was first to break out the silence having a more puzzled look than anyone in the room.

“Where are you going? Like I don’t mean to intrude because you could just leave the hotel if you need, I understand you guys have busy lives but it seems very important that you are-”

“I’m heading back to Earth.”

Now that’s how you hook a crowd. Everyone immediately raised their heads and had more than confusing looks now, even shocked. 

“Wait wait- Earth? Why??” Charlie asked with more questions forming. The general hellborns and sinners aren’t quite aware how work demons move, the escalator seemingly going to the office (as Charlie imagined he lived). 

“I’m picking up someone. Someone who can probably help this hotel of yours.”

“Oh my god Crowley! That’s so nice of you, thank you so much!” Charlie came in strong for a hug which wasn’t reciprocated nicely back.

“Ngh- HEY. Not nice. Just convenient… especially with your conversation last night.” He patted her head whilst slowly backing away from the tight hug. “And I think I need you to come along. You know, so you can judge yourself if this kind of person is suited for the hotel.”

Charlie’s eyes bursted like stars, audibly gasping at such an offer. She moved back from the hug and started stimming wildly that her hands would fall off. Even Vaggie was jaw dropped by the absolute bombshells this demon was dropping right now. It felt like a slap in the face. 

“Holy SHIT! I can go to Earth?? The Earth! Oh my god, I need to pack!” Charlie rushed towards the stairs, excited for the opportunities waiting above. Crowley reeled her back into the parlour; they should’ve been more clear on this trip.

“You don’t need anything, it’ll only be for a few hours. However, that's gonna be a few days down here, it’s some… wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff.”

Vaggie stood from her seat, head aching at this concept, “Now hold on, how do you have access? How- How can you just- How can you leave hell??!!” 

“I… live there? Why would I live somewhere like here?” 

Well that didn’t help Vaggie’s headache.

“Wait- wait- wait- oh my god just… calm down Vaggie ok…” She took a deep breath in — not that it would help either, “Don’t you live in the other rings of hell? Or that office in hell? Like where that escalator leads??”

Crowley could already see that revealing his whereabouts in general were not the best ideas of his. They can spot the individual's reactions across the sinners, varying from absolute gaping mouths of shock to silent stares with conflicting minds, the strawberry one appeared the most calm and regulated about this surprisingly. They could stay and answer all they’re curious questions, however a certain angel was waiting for him. 

“Alright I would love to answer all your questions however a certain someone is waiting for me,” Crowley started edging closer to the door with a very hyper Charlie following close behind.

“Hey! You can’t just leave now after saying all that shit!!” Vaggie exclaimed, “At least give us some details. Especially since you're dragging my girlfriend to wherever the fuck you’re going.”

“Nghhh- I’ll get back to you on that. It’s just a small visit to Earth, no big deal.”

“Well it is a fucking big deal since you never explained how or why you live there. Like I mean.. Lucifer for example! He can’t lea- and he left.”

Crowley was already out the door before Vaggie could mutter another word. Charlie rushed for the exit too but Vaggie grabbed her gently on the arm, worried eyes fixed on her. 

“Hey, if anything, absolutely anything goes wrong. Just come straight back. Please. I’m still not the biggest fan of this demon.”

“Vaggie it’s ok! It can’t be any worse than hell right? I’m sure we can trust them,” Charlie clutched her girlfriend’s hands close to her chest as a reassurance, “I won’t leave you here, alright? I know you’ll be great looking after the hotel for a few days.”

Vaggie gave her a soft smile that slowly turned into a nervous one, “Aha.. that sounds great babe but… are you sure you just want me to look after the hotel? With these sinners?”

“Didn’t you do that while I was at the meeting?”

“Yeah for like 3 hours! Not like 3 days!” 

“Vaggie… You’ll be okay,” Charlie brushed her cheek in aid to calm her down. She stared softly back into Vaggie’s eyes filled with worry and distress, closing in with a tender kiss. 

“For Satan’s sake can you two lovebirds hurry up?!” Crowley reappeared in the entrance with an annoyed —even jealous— look on their face. He won’t admit the jealousy thing to anyone though. 

“Yes, be there in a minute!” Charlie gave her lovebird a quick peck on the cheek and darted to Crowley’s side. They both exited the hotel, a long stroll ahead of them towards the angelic tower [idk the name] in the middle of the city. With this time on their hands, Charlie felt the need to ask some more… private questions.

“So ummm- Crowley, I was just wondering who is this specific person for help? And why so sudden about it?” 

“I mean you said it last night, wishing for an angel or something to set an example.”

“Wait- WHAT. THEY’RE AN ANGEL??”

“Yeah I thought you knew that.”

“Crowley… you truly are a nice demon!”

“Hey- HEY.”

-

Crowley nudged the door to the angelic tower open with their foot. And when they meant ‘nudged’ they meant kicked.

“Alright first things first-”

“Maybe let’s not kick down super fragile doors-” Charlie asked from behind them.

“ First things first ,” Crowley continued as they walked inside, not waiting for Charlie to keep up with them, “Earth is weird. They add raisins to their cookies and secretly disguise them as chocolate chips. Don’t trust people who give you fliers, they’re only trying to make you join a sex club. Or some cult. It’s really just a toss up sometimes.” He shrugged.

“Got it. Don’t trust cookies,” Charlie said distractedly.

Crowley furrowed their eyebrows, confused,  “Weren’t you just listening?”

Charlie sighed and let her head tip backwards, “Sorry sorry. I was just organising my flashcards. Have to say something to your angel after all~!”

“Wha- what flashcards!?” Crowley exclaimed, slowing his stride a bit to walk side by side with the princess.

Indeed, Charlie had a stack of small flashcards in her palm. Words highlighted and crayon doodles in the corners. Crowley took the stack—“HEY!?”—and flipped through some of the cards. Most of it was just dictionary definitions. All of it was dictionary definitions actually.

Crowley went to investigate the stack itself, turning the entirety of it this way and that. The entire thing was double the width of his hand and barely fitting in his palm.

He threw it behind them. A snap of their fingers lighting them on fire in a dramatic flare.

“What! My- my notes! I need them to convince the angel to work with us!!” Charlie told them as they reached an obscure place next to the main desk.

“Ehhhh, don’t need all that shit for Aziraphale. He’ll throw himself at anything if he thinks it has a good enough clause,” Crowley explained as they stepped upwards, and all of a sudden an escalator shimmered into place in a flash of gold light under their foot. They put their other foot on as the steps slowly started to move upwards.

Looking down, they saw Charlie still at the bottom of the escalator, looking up at it in awe.

“Well come on then! Off you pop!!” Crowley exclaimed, snapping Charlie out of her stupor. She jogged up slightly to be one step below Crowley.

Charlie looked around with sparkles in her eyes as the escalator went up and up and up. She watched as the cityscape of hell fell away and the dark red void seemed to be the only thing for miles. She was excited when the escalator stalled and glitched at some points. She was even squealing at the small creaks that sounded out. All these little things just made her over the moon. Honestly, Crowley could find a piece of dust on the hand rails and Charlie would love it.

They were really tempted to do it. But they didn’t. He did the tempting, he couldn’t get tempted.

“ Ngh - if you think this is amazing you will love earth,” Crowley said as he looked over their glasses. His demonic form fell away and his height shortened a few inches. Crowley now looked as they would on earth. The height was an unfortunate loss but if they kept it, it would’ve been way too distinguishing compared to all the humans. People in hell were ridiculously tall.

“I– I know, but this is the first time I’ve been to earth! I want to know what people did with the place!! I want to know what…” Charlie cut herself off and went silent, “I just- I just want to see why everyone likes this place so much.”

“Ok ‘like’ is a strong word, there’s quite a lotta people who don’t like earth actually,” Crowley explained.

“Really?”

“Yeah why do you think there’s so many people in hell?”

“I- touché.”

There was a comfortable silence between the two for a moment. Charlie leaning on the hand rails, tapping her feet and humming under her breath. Crowley was slouching and looking in the opposite direction she was looking at.

He heard a deep intake of air behind them.

“I swear to Satan if you are going to sing I will turn this escalator around!”

-

The two had taken a ‘back door’ so to say so they wouldn’t have to go through the crowded halls of hell. But as they looked behind themselves they saw demons in hard hats placing “under maintenance” signs behind the two and Crowley knew they couldn’t go back that way.

Conveniently though, the side entrance led Charlie and Crowley to Crowley’s… ‘house’. 

“Oh! Is this your house?” Charlie said as she looked over the building in front of her.

To correct Charlie, and the story's statement, it wasn’t really a house. It was just a front for a house so humans wouldn’t get suspicious. One where Crowley could have some of his earthly objects and the ability to do the ‘bidding of their demonic lord’ out of sight. Its walls were sleek grey and the entire thing was boxy in nature. Large plants, small plants, weird plants, were scattered in various pots around the front of the house. Some more plants were seen through the tall windows looking inside.

And in front of the house, parked on the side of the road, was a sleek, black, bentley.

Crowley ignored Charlie’s earlier statement in favour of rushing forward to the car and wrapping his arms around its hood, “My car!”

“Uhhh… Crowley?”

“Sh sh sh,” Crowley mumbled, “Gimme a moment with her…”

“Uh, her?” Charlie questioned. She wasn’t one to judge a person and their cars of course! But it’s just… she’d never seen Crowley care so much about something (that statement would soon change when she met Aziraphale).

It took a few moments before Crowley got up, dusted off their clothes a bit, and composed themselves, “Alright princess! Behold, my beloved bentley. She’ll take us where we need to go.”

The car honked as Crowley patted the hood, “Had her for decades at this point. Never broken down once…” He paused, thinking, “Ok maybe once but she’s all good now. So hop in!” 

He opened the door with a dramatic flourish and slid into the driver's seat. Charlie rounded the car and went into the passenger's seat next to them, bonking her head at the top of the car. Crowley is now realising that Charlie is still in her demon form, therefore ridiculously tall.

They looked over to see the princess of hell bending her neck down so her head  wouldn’t hit the roof of the car. Right. That’s a problem.

Crowley started the car and the engine stuttered to life. Charlie had flinched slightly at the noise but then her expression of shock quickly turned to awe as the Bentley pulled out of its parking place.

The problem with height will be something for future Crowley to deal with.

-

After breaking multiple traffic laws, Crowley parked the car into its place on the curb. It was a neat little spot in front of the bookshop which wasn’t technically a spot he was allowed to park in but no cops have bothered him about it yet (which definitely didn’t happen because of a few miracles).

Crowley swung open the door and stepped out onto the sidewalk. Charlie, realising they’ve arrived, scrambled to get out of her seat belt. She popped out of one end of the car and went to stand next to Crowley.

In front of them was a book shop, set up on the corner of the block. The exterior was covered in dusty red paint, which, strangely enough, wasn’t peeling yet despite how old the building looked. Simple gold text covered the tops of the shop, written was, “A. Z. FELL AND Co. PURVEYOR OF BOOKS TO THE GENTRY.” 

“A.Z. Fell and Co?” Charlie mumbled under her breath, tilting her head. Is this the angel’s shop? What angel had that initial A.Z.? Or is it a fake name?

Tall and wide windows let her look inside to see stacks upon stacks of dusty old books, lit by a mysterious light that Charlie couldn’t find the source of. It looked quite cosy, nothing she would expect from an angel. Then again the only angels she’s met was her father (who technically wasn’t an angel anymore) and the Exterminators.

Straightening up the lapels of her blazer, she took a deep breath in.

Crowley walked off to the front doors, “Right then Charlie here we are! Angel should be here right about now,” He said as he pushed open the froot doors.

Charlie jogged slightly to keep up with them, and as she crossed the barrier, she felt a shiver go down her spine. Like she wasn’t meant to be here.

She looked around the bookshelves in awe. Spinning around in a circle to take it all in. The air was musty, probably due to the amount of old books here, but she couldn’t even see a layer of dust in sight. Everything felt so perfectly preserved and loved. Nothing like hell. She could probably get lost in these shelves for hours. But she can’t though, after all she has a job to do. But oh she wishes to just stay here forever.

Charlie turned around before slowly looking at Crowley, who was staring at her from the middle of the room, “What do I got something on my face?” She questioned.

“The barrier should’ve- eh it’s nothing…” Crowley said as they looked away and deeper into the shop, “AZIRAPHALE!”

“HOLD ON!!” Someone from deeper within called back, they had some sort of posh accent but Charlie couldn’t quite place where it was from until she had a better understanding of Earth.

“WE DON’T GOT ALL DAY ANGEL, REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ON THE PHONE!” Crowley yelled back.

A well fed man in a dark grey waistcoat walked out from behind the bookshelves. He had a fluffy crown of white hair, and had smile lines across the edges of his face. Currently, as he walked, he was struggling with putting a black contact into his eye. 

“Dear, you didn’t say anything on the phone, you just said to, and I quote, ‘get the costu-’ Oh blast this thing!” The person—no, the angel —said as he walked over to Crowley, “I can never put in these finicky contact lenses.”

Crowley groaned slightly before taking the black colour contacts out of the angel’s hand, “Here, let me help.”

Charlie watched as her friend helped the angel put the contact lenses in. The way Crowley gently held his face, coloured contact in hand. The way the angel unconsciously pouted upwards. And then something clicked together in her brain, “Oh…” They’re not just good friends. They’re really good ‘friends’. 

Charlie smiled at the thought. If she asks though, Crowley would never admit it.

The angel blinked and he looked back at her with completely black eyes. Kinda like the ones sinners in the cannibal colony would have.

“Oh I’m so sorry you have to see me like this my dear! Really I am a lot more… put together than this shabby outfit,” The angel said, holding out his hand, “I’m Principality Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate! It’s very nice to meet you Miss…?”

Charlie smiled and eagerly shook his hand, “Well Aziraphale, I’m Charlie, the uh, Princess of Hell.”

“Princess?” Aziraphale raised an eyebrow and looked back at Crowley standing behind himself, “What have you been up to you wily serpent!”

“I- ngh it wasn’t my fault this time, it was orders from the top what was I supposed to do!” Crowley threw up his hands.

“From the top as in… Beelzebub top? Or….” Aziraphale questioned.

Crowley raised an eyebrow and pointed one finger upwards, “From the top top.”

“Oh deary me…” Aizraphale mumbled. 

Charlie’s smile became a little more strained at the reminder that her dad asked someone to specifically help out at her hotel. She wasn’t complaining! If Crowley’s unwillingness means that they get to have an angel on their side, she’ll take it. But that still doesn’t make this any less awkward.

“Well I suppose the how’s and when’s don’t matter, we have a job to do! In er… hell,”  This. This is what will help Charlie redeem sinners! A person— angel —who is polite, kind, and always willing to help no matter what! 

“I think you’d rather like this job honestly. It’s riiiight up your alley,” Crowley rolled his eyes under the sunglasses (or at least Charlie thinks he did) and walked between the two, heading straight for the door, “So let’s get a wiggle on as you would say.”

“Yes yes, lets,” Aziraphale followed after them.

Charlie took one last moment to look at the bookshop, in all its earthly glory, before walking outside as well.

As expected, the original backdoor escalator was under construction —Lord Beezlebub you bastard— so instead of driving back to his apartment, Crowley led them to the elevator conveniently across the bookshop. They all huddled into the elevator, Charlie graciously pressing the sticky “H” going down below, wiping her hands on her dress pants in disgust. For some reason it was a way longer trip down than up but this gave Crowley time to inform the angels. 

“Alright angel, a few things about hell to be warned.” Crowley stood to face Aziraphale, Charlie as well since she’s also never been through the offices, “ First things first, don’t look up at the other demons, it’ll not be as pretty as our humans, you’re probably used to it Charlie. If someone tries to talk to you, leave it to me instead until we get back to the hotel. Oh, also don’t lick the walls. It’s not that tasty.”

“Why would I lick walls? I have standards, you know?”

“Well I tried once! This little bugger might try it as well, not just you.”

Before Charlie could argue back on that statement, the elevators clicked open.

Chapter Text

When the metal doors pulled back, the flood gates opened. Figuratively and literally, as a wave of noise overcame the trio. In front of them was a wall of people— worker demons , Charlie mentally corrected herself—in drab clothing, walking in tightly cramped hallways.

The space smelt faintly of smoke, blood, and body odour and she cringed, “Oh my god…”

Aziraphale unconsciously went to grab Crowley’s arm, “I’ve always hated this place…” He mumbled.

Crowley leaned in to whisper, “I know, me too. But we’ve got a job to do…” He cleared his throat, and glanced over to the princess next to him, “Charlie, word of advice, don’t try and talk to these guys. They’re the bloody worst, the literal damned.”

She beamed, masking her slight discomfort of the place, “Got it!”

“Oi!” Someone yelled over the noise, “Stop hogging the elevator!!”

“Oh you’re not even gonna fucking use it!” Crowley snapped back immediately, but went to push through the crowd of demons regardless.

Making a human (demon? Angel? Antichrist?) chain, the three-–-mainly Crowley—- pushed through the crowd. Aziraphale hanging onto Crowley’s arm like a lifeline, and Charlie holding Aziraphale’s hand as she glanced around at the workplace with an indescribable expression. The only person who knew how to get to the Pride Ring from the worker demon’s area was Crowley, so the two really didn’t want to lose him in the crowd. 

Charlie looked at the questionable signs on the walls (there was in fact a “don’t lick the walls” sign) with a raised eyebrow, “This is… a very… interesting place you work at Crowley…” She said slowly.

“You don’t need to-” He elbowed someone in the stomach harshly, to which their response was a glare and a middle finger that quickly disappeared as they got swept away by the crowd, “-sugar coat it Charlie, it’s terrible.” 

Well…. He wasn’t wrong. But everyone can improve! Everyone deserves a second chance! Especially the person that designed this shitty office building…

For starters, the colours. The worker demon area (which needs a better name in her head) was a lot more dull in comparison to the overly saturated colours of hell. Not to mention the crowded hallways that seemed to be a never ending stream of demons in shabby colours of grey to black, maybe even some brown if she was lucky. There were so many different types of worker demons, yet they all seemed to blend and mesh together in a blur. Crowley was possibly the only one that somehow managed to stand out and yet blend right in with all the other demons here. 

Unlike in hell, where sinners were so varying in different shapes, sizes and colours that it was honestly a mess of colour and people for anyone who didn’t live in Hell for more than a few decades. Just comparing the sinners who worked/lived at the hotel to each other you could already point out stark differences between them. Not to mention how much Crowley would stand out if he wasn’t in his ‘demonic form’ (he was a lot shorter in his human corporation than Charlie thought he would be, but maybe sinners were just ridiculously tall.) 

In the worker demon area, she could probably find some duplicate of a worker demon if she really tried.

She glanced over at Aziraphale, his paper white hair standing out among the sea of blacks and browns. She half wondered what Heaven was like, if the people there blended together like the worker demons, or if they were all colourful and different like sinners. 

All of the people here used to be angels, and there was a small pit of dread in her stomach at the thought of that. The hallways were so cramped- how many people failed Heaven? How many people made a mistake and weren’t given a second chance so they were sent down here to rot? How many people.. Just questioned those up there and were thrown away never to be seen again?

Suddenly, too lost in thought, she bumped into someone.

“Oh! I’m- I”m so sorry I-” She started but was quickly cut off by Crowley dragging her away.

“NO, no! Don’t talk to them, they don’t need your pity Charlie,” He hissed, using the hand that wasn’t holding Aziraphale’s to catch Charlie’s other wrist and whisk her away, “And you better fuck off mate!!”

There was just a retreating middle finger that rose from someone in the crowd.

“Right then I-” His back bumped into someone with black curly hair and a dusty, equally as black coat.

The person turned around, they’re eyes having heavy black eyeliner and eyeshadow running down it slightly, mouth slightly agape. Like they were just in the middle of a conversation.

The group was already getting swept away when the person called out,

“Oh! Uh, Crowley!”

“Shit.”

Eric shuffled through the crowd once meeting his gaze. 

“Lovely to see you again! I was wondering if you can help me with some paperwork?” He questioned him without thought despite Crowley’s reputation recently. Crowley’s bathtub stunt caused a few waves in Hell but not enough to disturb the general status quo. It was enough though to avoid them as much as possible. Except for Eric (for some reason). 

“Yeah Eric, lovely to see your old face again but listen I’m in a bit of a hurry so would you mind just.” Crowley gestured his hand to the side, as if to scoot right back into the mob of demons.

“Oh, yes yes of course. You must be very busy, seeing that you’re with,” He looked around Crowley’s little gang consisting of a very shabby looking demon (not) and-

“My Satan is that the princess of hell?!? Y-your Majesty!” In an instant, Eric bowed over to Charlie’s presence — nearly hitting his head to the floor. 

“No, no, none of that here please. It’s just Charlie but thank you!” 

“Sorry to be of inconvenience. I’ll leave right away, discorporate myself if I must!”

“Alright none of that, up you get.” Crowley hauled him back to his feet despite his urges to lay his head low. “Now nice talking to you but I’ll just pop off.”

They tried to move past the lower demon yet he stood his ground, raising an eyebrow at them. “Well if you wouldn’t mind me asking then what kind of business did you have with your Maje- Charlie and…”

He squinted at the shabby demon arms linked to Crowley. Aziraphale didn’t meet his gaze though, rather focusing on his feet nervously. Crowley sensed his nervousness but couldn’t do much other than glare right back at Eric for him. 

Eric turned to Crowley, back to Aziraphale, then back to Charlie. His eyes widened.

“Ohhhhhhhh. I get it.”

“What? Get what??” Crowley questioned. 

Eric had no response but waggled his eyebrows back at him. 

How can demons be this idiotic.

“No Eric it's not like that.” 

His eyebrows lowered in confusion. He turned to Crowley, then to Aziraphale again.

“Wait so… then it’s… Ohhhhhhh.”

“OR THAT!” 

“No, no of course it’s not that.” Eric smirked in pride. 

“Look Eric whatever you’re thinking it’s definitely not that. This is just complicated alright?”

“Yes, very complicated, I can see that. Do you need anything then?”

“Like what?” At this point Crowley wasn’t sure what he could be thinking.

“Maybe some rope or a blindfold or-”

“Ok we’re leaving now.” 

After the Eric encounter, the journey back to the hotel was uneventful, Crowley was ready to just laze around with his angel like the olden days except in hell and surrounded by sinners rather than regular humans (but what’s the difference?). For a first, Charlie was quiet and keeping to herself, organising those flashcards again — with a quick glance Crowley could note it’s for Aziraphale’s introduction once arriving back. They thought to themself the sinners would at least be sort of welcoming, considering how welcoming Charlie was. 

It shouldn’t be too bad, what’s the worst that could happen?

 “Crowley… is that the hotel you mentioned?” Aziraphale nudged him slightly. Lost in daydreaming, Crowley completely missed the hotel. He gazed up at the- hotel? They’re eyes widened, a sudden nostalgia hit them. 

“Charlie I thought you left Vaggie in charge!”

“I did but I didn’t know it could get this bad!”

“Well it’s bloody hell of course sinners could make it this bad!” Crowley turned back at Aziraphale with a nervous smile. “It’s not always like this, don't worry.”

“The hotel’s not always on fire? I sure hope it’s not.” 

“No of course- it’s just- ngk!” He groaned in annoyance — these bloody sinners. For a moment, the three stared at the hotel up in flames slowly melting away. Charlie was struck with a realisation.

“Wait! Are they still there, do you think?”

Crowley raised an eyebrow.

“The residents! Our friends! Shit they still could be in the hotel.” Charlie cried, eyes watering just from the thought. Aziraphale gave her a soft pat on the shoulder for reassurance. 

“I’m sure your lovely friends got out in time, we can check together inside if you need.” He gave her a warm smile, enough to stop Charlie’s painful cries and straighten up a little.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Crowley had enough of meaningless weeping or pity. In a snap, the fiery blazing hotel sat upright again without a scratch on its exterior. Now Charlie definitely straightened up.

“Wha- how- YOU COULD”VE DONE THAT THE ENTIRE TIME??” Charlie practically screamed in their ear. 

“Oi, you don’t gotta be such a whiny child.” He scuttled her to the main entrance of her hotel, “Let’s just go inside now.” 

Upon entering, the atmosphere inside felt more comforting and warm despite burning and melting only mere seconds ago. It seems the residents weren’t as affected by it as well; sinners lazing around the parlour like it’s a normal Tuesday. Most of them at least. A particular sinner has still been pacing around the room, as if 3 days and a fire hasn’t passed by (you know who). She came to a stop, the click of a door alerting her. 

“Charlie! You’re back!” Vaggie rushed at the sudden sight of Charlie in the entrance, tackling her into a hug. It was quite uncharacteristic of Vaggie, Crowley thought — then again, the couple have been attached to each other’s hip for the weeks he arrived.

“Vaggie! Oh my gosh are you ok? Is anyone hurt?” 

Vaggie looked back in confusion, “What?”

“The fire! The massive raging fire all across the hotel, what happened??”

“Oh, ohhhh that. Yeah that. That was just an accident, I think Angel did something again.” Vaggie didn’t really seem bothered by it, as if it was expected or the usual day to day life in hell. 

“But how did you not notice?!?!”

“I have a better question, who the fuck is that ??” Vaggie diverted the conversation and pointed at the small round figure next to Crowley. Neither of them having realised the angel has changed out of its shabby disguise into a distinguished light beige coat.

“Hello my dear,” Aziraphale smiled at her and waved slightly, “I am the Principality Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate. Pleasure to meet you all!”

Suddenly, Vaggie whipped out her spear, pointing it straight at Aziraphale as she took on a battle ready stance.

“ What .”

“I-”

Charlie stepped forward in front of Crowley and by extension, Aziraphale, “Vaggie wait-”

“What. The fuck is he doing here!?” Vaggie exclaimed, “How is he even here! Angels aren’t allowed in hell outside of exterminations!?” Eh, they could also be allowed in hell with a good amount of paperwork, but Crowley doesn’t say that, “And how do you even know if we can trust him? The last angel you talked to was a dick Charlie and he moved the extermination date up by half a year !”

“He isn’t really an-”

“Wait, that prissy fuck’s an angel?” Angel (the pornstar) interrupted.

The group turned around to see the sinners behind themselves staring wide eyed and slack jawed. See, the thing about Aziraphale, is that he doesn’t really look like an Exterminator. Which is the only type of angel really anyone in hell sees. Even Charlie has only seen Exterminators! (She doesn’t count her dad, because well… he’s fallen-”). 

Exterminators are dark, all sharp edges and blinding white faces. They seem to take fucking glee in a torturing and exterminating every single soul in hell that they come across. No one can touch them, they’re unkillable monsters that just scream trouble when they fly down from the giant glowing portal in the sky.

And Aziraphale… well he was short, compared to sinners, to say the least. The coat covering his body was a light and dusty brown, clearly an outfit well cared for. His hair was fluffy and face was in full view, eyes crinkling at the edges as he smiled at everyone as if they all hadn't committed their fair share of sins to end up here.

“What the fuck,” Someone said but no one was really sure who.

Aziraphale’s smile wavered as he glanced to the side awkwardly.

Crowley decided in the moment to step in, “Yeah he’s an angel? So what. He hasn’t bloody done anything to you sinners yet. And not anytime soon alright?”

“Well yeah,” Husk said from the bar as he put one of the dried glasses on the shelves, “he hasn’t done anything yet . But well waddya know, I don’t trust the word from perhaps one of the shadiest demons in this hotel.”

Crowley scowled, “Okay well I had that one coming but angel won’t do anything to you guys. He’s just here to help you guys become good with the bloody power of friendship or whatever.”

“He's an angel and he’s gonna help us,” Angel (the pornstar) asked out loud, “See, that doesn’t really add up. Aren’t angels and what not meant to hate sinners? Meant to- I dunno, kill ‘em when they see ‘em? It just doesn’t feel right to me that he’s willingly helping us, especially when his apparently pal, Crowley (a fucking demon) decides to ask. Like isn’t that a bit suspicious? There’s no way he’s helping us out of the good of his own heart, right Al? Uhh… Al?”

Angel (the pornstar) turned to look behind himself to see Alastor sitting on an armchair, a tight smile on his face as he stared straight past the sinner and straight at Aziraphale. Who stands there making unflinching eye contact with Alastor, an innocent look on his face.

Alastor felt like he was being watched. By things he can’t even begin to understand. He felt small and weak in front of this (what frankly should be) small and weak man. There were eyes, eyes all staring. Alastor swore the angels' eyes were blue, but he also thinks they could be green an dbrownandwhiteandgoldandinfinite- and they were all staring. Not at him, but into him. Like they were picking him apart and trying to see what sins he committed to end up here. Like trying to figure out what tragedies he plotted and ones he did accidentally. They looked at his past, what he did in hell, his fights, the sinners he killed, the overlords he tortured. And it goes deeper to his death and his life and-

He blinked, and Aziraphale was looking away, distracted by Crowley tugging at his sleeve.

Alastor let out a small screech from behind his teeth as he stared down at his hands, shaking slightly in his lap. That angel… that Aziraphale , is dangerous to him.

Angel dust, who just saw Alastor go all spacey and nervous, looked around confused, “Oh- oh and he is broken now…”

“That isn’t Aziraphales’ fault!” Crowley explained.

“I wasn’t fuckin’ sayin’ it was!” Angel shouted back.

“You sounded like you did!”

“You’re just being paranoid!?”

“And you aren’t ? He’s fucking harmless.”

Husk chimed in, “I mean we don’t exactly know that, for all we know those hands could have killed thousands for centuries.”

“Does his hands look like he can fucking hold a sword for 5 minutes??!” 

Aziraphale butted in, “Well actually-”

“Don’t answer that angel.”

“ Well I’ll be happy to assure you they haven’t!” Aziraphale smiled, “And I am quite frankly shocked you would make that assumption, but it’s quite alright-”

“Oh shut up.” Husk whisked away back at the bar, still eyes on the angel.

Aziraphale shrinked a little. He was used to human rudeness and being impolite but sinners were a whole different breed. It seemed like quite a lot of work needed to be done to reform any kind of sinners if this was a good batch. Crowley stood defensively in front of Aziraphale as they started to crowd around them — another snake took quite an interest in them. 

“Hmmmm, why doessss it look like that? I mean yes angels are white and prissstine but this one looks…”

“What? Come on, spit it out.”

“Old. And queer.”

“Ok can you guys back off for a second? I actually went out of my way to help you poor lot with a slither of chance to redemption. He’s literally a-” 

“He’s a boy right? He looks boring.”

“Nifty dear don’t say that-”

“Oh fuck’s sake, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.”

“Crowley dear I don’t think that was necessary…”

The room quickly devolved into a mess of a voices overlapping one another, arguing with each other. Accusations were thrown across the room, some acts of violence were nearly committed if Aziraphale and Vaggie didn’t stop them which led to more accusations and-

“Guys- Guys!” Charlie shouted, and everyone focused back on her, “Look, I know you all feel uncomfortable and I have taken your suggestions to heart, but we really need someone to help. Someone who is good, and could help us truly redeem sinners and send them to heaven! And sure, that someone may be a person who you all will not trust, but before you judge a book by its cover, just try and read it before you hold it accountable for actions that haven't happened!

No one is perfect- ”

Charlie was about to start singing before Crowley came up from behind and slapped a hand over her mouth, “NO- No! No songs, no singing, not today!”

Charlie huffed behind the hand but ultimately stopped trying to sing.

Crowley removed the hand and Charlie looked at her ragtag group nervously, “Besides if you can’t trust him, can you at least trust me? And my judgement about what could make this hotel a better place?”

“Abssssolutely-”

“No.”

“Definitely not.”

“Kid you let in a demon who was trying to sabotage us just yesterday.”

Charlie deflated before Vaggie rolled her eyes and walked over to her, holding two of her hands in her own, “I trust you Charlie,”—-The princess smiled—-“but I don’t trust Aziraphale. Who knows what could happen. I just don’t want to see your heart broken again when this doesn’t work out.”

“Yeah I know…. But I got a really good feeling about it this time, ok?” Charlie said. 

She held her breath for a few moments before Vaggie sighed, “Ok then.”

Both Charlie and Aziraphale beamed. However, her smile deviated into a sly smirk. She bent over next to her girlfriend, whispering something in her ear. Vaggie groaned a little. 

“Come onnnn, it could be good!” Charlie whined, eyes twinkling at her.

“I mean fine. Why not you know? What’s the worst that can happen?” Vaggie gave in with so much sarcasm anyone would realise — except Charlie. She jumped in glee and faced the group once more. 

“Ok soooo, since there’s obviously lots of trust issues with our new guest. Why not we do ‘Trust Exercises!!’”

Crowley couldn’t believe this princess.

Chapter Text

There was a sharp banging on the door.

A few of the residents jumped up in surprise at the noise and Crowley whirled around from his spot to stare. He raised an eyebrow and glanced at Charlie. Charlie just shrugged in response with an unsure face.

Sir Pentious, though, knew immediately what it was. He perked up, “Oh! The new parts for my machine are here!” He grinned giddily and slithered past the group and to the front door.

“What,” Vaggie asked flatly.

Sir Pentious opened the door with a flair, showing two sinners with matching black demon horns and red eyes at the front of the hotel. One of them having a stack of crates on a small cart and another holding a clipboard in her hands. Huh, well, now Crowley knew where Sir Pretentious got his gear—-He squinted at the labelling on the side of the boxes—-Carmilla Carmine.

“Sign please,” the clipboard girl asked, passing the clipboard over to the snake as the second one went to wheel the crates inside. Sir Pentious eagerly signed it and handed it back just as the other one walked out the door again. The clipboard girl looked at the papers for a moment before nodding solemnly, “Thank you for your business. Enjoy your Carmine purchase.”

And with that last word, the two girls walked out, slamming the door behind themselves and the awkward tension inside the room.

“Carmine?! As in Carmilla Carmine,” Vaggie said angrily, “You are buying parts from an overlord!!?”

Oh shit what-

“Uh- well of course!” Sir Pentious said it like it was an obvious fact. Ignoring that it was not at all what Vaggie wanted to hear. He wheeled the crates away and Angel Dust stepped to the side to not get trampled by the sheer amount of it. “SSShe’s the top weapons dealer in hell!”

“Weapons?” Aziraphale muttered from next to Crowley.

He waved his hand in a vague gesture, “It’s hell angel, these sinners just love to kill each other even after death.”

Aziraphale looked back at the crates with a hand over his mouth, “Oh dear….”

“Okay, well, that stops right now,” Vaggie responded, grabbing the handle to the cart and turning it right back around to the door.

“Hey!” Sir Pentious exclaimed indignantly.

“You absolutely cannot build weapons in this hotel!” Vaggie told him off.

Charlie stepped in with a face that showed she was concerned but was trying to hide it by being polite and failing poorly, “What exactly do you need these weapons for anyways?”

“I’m so glad you asssked!” Sir Pentious clapped his hands and the Egg Bois came and wheeled what looked to be a giant gun canon thing out of the shadows. Crowley raised an eyebrow.

“What the actual fuck?” Angel (the pornstar) asked amusedly, watching the egg boys drag the weapon in and stepping backwards to sit on a bar stool with a leg crossed over the other, “You’ve been here for what? A day? When did this whole thing happen??” Crowley couldn’t agree with that sentiment more. He didn’t hear anything last night and yet somehow the wannabe snake makes an entire weapon? It’s impressive in a slightly morbid way.

“It’s my new invention, the SSSSSSkin Flayer 1000!”—-”The what?” —-“I’m really looking forward to shooting the other residentssss!” Sir Pentious grinned, effectively ignoring any question thrown around the room.

“What? Why!?” Charlie exclaimed.

“What sort of supervillain shit is this Angel,” Crowley muttered to the angel next to him.

Aziraphale shrugged, whispering back, “I don’t know dear, you’re the demon so you tell me.”

“Everyone is being too nice,” Sir Pentious exclaimed, “I can sense they are planning to kill me, but when? How? I must be prepared!” He gestured to the machine that was taller than Aziraphale. Well, it sounded impressive but it was really not. It wasn’t much of a feat to be taller than Aziraphale as in his human form he was shorter than nearly everyone else in the room.

“No one is trying to kill you, you’re being paranoid,” Vaggie said bluntly, “People are being nice because they want you to feel welcome.”

Sir Pentious glanced around the room. Husk drank a bottle of… something and held up a middle finger at him ( rude). Angel doing the same thing a moment after ( especially rude ). Nifty… was just creepy if he was being honest. He stared at the spot Alastor was in and found the deer was already gone from the room. Then, Sir Pentious looked at Crowley, whose ( very very cool ) glasses stared into his soul, and that smiling Az-ri-phale fellow standing next to them who is definitely going to kill them all . After all that’s what angels do.

Sir Pentious narrowed his eyes, “Hmmm…. I have my doubtsss,” He mumbled.

“Well it’s true, you just have to trust us,” Vaggie told him.

He shrugged and crossed his arms, “But I don’t.”

“Wellll that’s why we’re going to do some trust exercises right?” Charlie stepped in between the two and put one arm on each of their shoulders. Some residents groaned at the reminder, “C’mon it’ll be fun! We’ll get to know Sir Pentious! We’ll get to know Aziraphale! We can make ever lasting bonds!” She said with stars in her eyes.

“Mmm not before we lay some ground rules,” Vaggie told her, Sir Pentious discreetly taking Charlies arm off his shoulder, “No more building weapons, no more plotting against other guests, and you need to get rid of these- things,” She pointed at the Egg Bois messing around on the crates.

“Not my Egg Bois!” Sir Pentious exclaimed.

“And you,” Vaggie redirected her attention, focusing on Crowley, “Next time, explain everything before you go off and do some stupid shit.”

Crowley crossed his arms, “Well I’m a demon I don’t-”

“ Everything, ” Vaggie said, pointedly looking at Crowley. The two stared down at each other for a moment.

Crowley scowled, “First of all, I’m a demon I don’t take orders from you . I do what I want, where I want, when I want.” Only person who could properly boss him around was the big man Lucifer himself and he wasn’t here right now was he? He may have been sent here by Lucifer to help but they aren’t going to let some tiny moth lady boss him around. “And secondly I explained plenty, it’s not my fault you didn’t listen now was it?” He told her.

Suddenly, a laser went off behind Vaggie, blasting a hole through the ceiling. The group turned around to see it was two of the Egg Bois messing around with one of the weapons. Vaggie pointed at the ceiling exasperated, looking back at Sir Pentious, “Ugh! What did I just say? What did I just say!?”

“What! Not my little Egg Bois,” Sir Pentious exclaimed, gathering up the ones closest to him into his arms, “They do my evil bidding for me!” Crowley felt a tug at their pant leg and looked down to see an egg smiling up at him with that cracked smile of its.

Aziraphale cooed silently, “Are they really evil though, Vaggie dear?” He questioned. Crowley shrugged. It didn’t look dangerous enough with that kind of smile and eyes and little legs and-

“Yes, I think? Well if they do what Sir Pentious says they could be used for evil purposes.” Vaggie looked at Sir Pentious on the ground, holding his minions close to himself, “Do you want to stay here and redeem yourself?”

Sir Pentious raised an eyebrow, unsure of himself, “Yessss??”

“Then no more eggs.”

“Alright then,” Sir Pentious said with watery eyes, unleashing his grip on all the Egg Bois.

Finally, they can move on…

Crowley scowled as they felt another tug at their pant leg. He looked down to see an army of eggs at his disposal. The eggs (Egg Bois) waddled beside them with a seemingly endless amount of questions as they ascended up the hotel. He hissed under his breath. 

Why me, WHY ME!

They normally don’t like to be ordered around but no one particularly wanted this kind of task: going into Alastor’s room. What’s the big deal? Yes he’s slightly intimidating to a sinner’s viewpoint but he’s also just another sinner with needs of sleep, food and privacy in his room. Originally, Crowley would rather not take up this task as well (especially with leaving his angel alone downstairs), however the Egg Bois were attached to him like a mother goose and ducklings. Vaggie thought it was appropriate he took the task. Crowley never saw themself as this motherly kind of figure the eggs can get attached to yet here he was — Egg Bois crawling around every inch of him. At first he didn’t mind, it just felt like another pest like Hastur or Ligur always on his tail.

However by the time they got to Alastor’s room, it clearly got to them the nuisance of these eggs. Crowley couldn’t care less what Alastor did to those eggs at this point. He could cook those eggs for their breakfast the next day. They looked up and down the hallway before settling on a door frame. 

Room 114…

Crowley double checked Charlie's note for the correct room then seized the handle. The door creaked slightly as they entered the radio demon’s (very hopefully) temporary abode.

“Oi, Al you in h-ere…” He stuttered a little and eventually lost his words. 

What the bloody hell is he doing??

At the same time, Alastor stopped taking a bite out of his meal. Crowley didn’t even want to describe it. It was a very… questionable meal… His eyes widened by the sight of the serpent at the door. The soft music playing in the background screeched to a halt as both parties stared at each other baffled. 

Crowley knew sinners were a weird bunch but rotting meat is NOT an ideal meal.

They squinted behind his tinted glasses, “Is that a dead-? You know what I won’t question any further.”

Alastor’s eyebrow twitched, “Do you mind? I’m in the middle of breakfast,” He said as he leisurely went back to his meal.

Crowley rolled their eyes,“ Vaggie thinks Pentious’s eggs are causing a huge fuss and we need you to get rid of them.”

“Oh! Well in that case I would be delighted to!” In much enthusiasm, Alastor swiftly sprung out of his seat and was by the demon’s side in seconds.

“Humanely, she said. None of that funny business you got going on over there,” They tacked on at the end, waving their hand in a vague motion.

“Hmm… that’s a lot less hot”, Alastor mumbled, his bright spirit fizzled out a little but he remained cheerful, “But, I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today.”

“Great,” Crowley would question what outing the guy is going on, before realising he doesn’t actually care what the fuck the deer in headlights does in his free time, “These guys have been attached to me by the hip, be careful with them.” 

“Oh I’m sure it’ll be no problem! These little guys will be out of this hotel’s way now.”

There was a tense pause. 

“Humanely.”

“Thanks Bambi, that'll be all for now. Have fun with your… whatever satan cooked up for you.” Crowley slithered out of the room in final relief. Guess they won’t be having scrambled eggs today. 

Once Crowley finished their business, he climbed down the stairs and joined the rest of the group around the parlour again. He sat on the couch, specifically next to Aziraphale in a protective stance as the group hasn’t been trustworthy with the angel yet…

Charlie and Vaggie lead the group at the front as Charlie tried to explain the situation.

“So it’s been brought to our attention that there may be a little…” She stared back at the group all side eyeing and avoiding each other, “tension, in the hotel.”

“Tension that can be counterproductive to what we’re trying to do here,” Vaggie added on whilst snatching Pentious’s new gadgets.

“We think that this group could really benefit from…”

“TRUST EXERCISES!!”

“Trust exercises, ah shit.”

Charlie had much more passion in her words while Vaggie was delayed and still unsure by the activity. It made Crowley hiss under his breath at the childishness she had (unsurprising yet annoying). 

Charlie looked down at her fallen girlfriend and sighed, “Vaggie we rehearsed this… It’s alright. Ok we’re doing trust exercises!”

“You already said it, don’t need to wear it out.” Crowley groaned seeing the two demons excited for the new group bonding. Also an excited angel. That would take some getting used to. 

The other demons on the couch were as displeased as Crowley was, Husk being the first to speak out.

“So, what’s with the whole, uhhh…” He pointed out the large colourful banner and a stage set that looked like a primary school talent show, “...this? I’m not about to put on some show for these fucking chumps.”

“And who said you weren’t the fucking chump as well?” Crowley retorted back — much to Aziraphale’s disappointment.

“Crowley you can’t say rude things like that! Not in a hotel for redemption. Especially that f word, it really gets me,” Aziraphale said indignantly.

“It’s just reflex at this point insulting these fucking chumps,” He stared back at Husk smugly. Husk scowled in response and Aziraphale frowned at him, causing Crowley to wilt slightly.

Breaking the already tense tension, Angel Dust commented, “Oh, I will but it’s cash up front and I know that one (Sir Pentious) can’t afford me.”

“Grossss!” Sir Pentious responded, pulling an ick face, “I’d never think of it spider!!”

“Honestly with your look I’d put a good 10 bucks on it,” Crowley said lazily in pure instinct without second thought. Aziraphale smiled pointedly at his idiocy and aggressively brushed off non-existent dust from his pants. Crowley distinctly thought he heard Airaphale saying something about him getting carried away. Nothing new right? Before further arguments, Vaggie took the lead again.

“Right, well let’s get started. Charlie?”

“Actuallllly I thought maybe you could take the lead on this one! I trust everyone, so maybe you know better about how to build it properly.” Charlie strolled over to side with the other demons. Vaggie sweatdropped.

“What?? Uhm, I don’t know if I’m qualified uh-”

Charlie waved her off, “Oh, come on! It’ll be easy. I’m sure you can handle this.”

“Yeah, um… sure, I can handle this. No problem…” 

The crowd gazed at Vaggie with such discontent, except the two only spirited people in the back. In seconds, Vaggie’s whole demeanour switched 180 into a drill sergeant fashion. Hands folded behind her back as she straightened her posture, she started pacing in a stern manner in front of the group.

“All right, so we are starting with trust falls. Each of you is going to share something vulnerable with the group about yourself and then fall backwards, while the rest of the group catches you. Got it?! Who wants to go first?”

Charlie, ever the optimist, excitedly raises her hand while bouncing on her toes, “OH! Me me me-”

‘Can sinners get anymore annoying?’ Crowley internally thought as Charlie was seemingly chanting forever.

“me me me-” Charlie continued, rushing forward to put both hands on Vaggies’ shoulders. Vaggie, a weird mix of tiredness and fondness in her expression, pointed at the stage behind her with her thumb, “All right. Get on up here.” 

Grinning wider than before, Charlie stepped up onto the stage. As she stepped up to the front with both hands over her heart (or where her heart would be if she had one), Crowley noticed that there were tears welling up in her eyes. ‘Oh what the-’

“I… I love you guys,” She started, “Like really, reeeally love you.” 

Aziraphale cooed, “Aw…” Which made some of the sinners send him some pointed, and frankly weirded out looks. 

Crowley raised an eyebrow, expecting Charlie to say some big speech about how ‘she’s looking forward to the hotel's future’ or ‘I’m so happy you’re all here’ blah blah blah. But nope. Apparently there was nothing else to be said as she spun on her heel so she could fall backwards. 

On instinct Crowley stepped forward to catch her along with Vaggie. Awkwardly holding her legs as 50% blind held her girlfriend, bridal style. (???)

“That… felt… good!” Charlie exclaimed gleefully, kicking her legs back and forth. Immediately Crowley dropped the half of Charlie he was holding at her excited outburst, not wanting to get kicked in the head. 

Charlie sighed with a smile as her head tilted back. Seemingly calmed down for a moment before her head snapped up again that made him nearly (nearly! Not actually!!) jump out of his skin, “Crowley! Why don’t you go next?”

“I- uhm,” Crowley mumbled as Vaggie put Charlie down again, “Well I mean-”

“C’mon, it’ll be fun!” She smiled. Crowley glanced behind her to see Vaggie cross her arms with a glare.

“-I can do it,” He said immediately.

He walked over to the side of the stage, eyes warily lingering on Vaggie and Charlie. Looking at the steps, the wood was old and looked like it could break under his heel. Testing it out made a creaking sound echo in the surrounding area. He genuinely thought about backing out so he doesn’t fall through the stage in the middle of- whatever the hell he was meant to be doing.

Vaggie narrowed her eyes at everyone else, “This time everyone needs to catch him unless you want me to hurt you.” Pulling out her angelic spear for extra emphasis. Everyone shuffled closer to the stage in reluctance.

‘Okay so I’m doing this,’ He thought as he climbed to the middle of the elevated platform. Aziraphale, near the back of the group, beamed and gave him a thumbs up. Which Crowley thought was nice of him even if he didn’t have to do that. He scanned the small crowds' faces. 

‘Hey, what’s the deal with that spear anyways? Got ‘angelic power do not touch’ written all over the damn thing. Has nobody thought to question it…’

Crowley scrutinised the spear, and therefore Vaggie for a moment longer before internally shrugging, ;I’m not getting paid at all to deal with this.’

“It’s justtt uh, something about myself eh?” He asked awkwardly.

Vaggie sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, “Yes, anything about yourself or some sort of confession you would like to make. Then fall backwards off the stage and we’ll catch you, got it?”

‘Confession?’

Crowley raised an eyebrow, “Got it.”

He thought about it for a moment before coming up blank.  

‘Yeah I’m not telling these people shit about myself.’

“Erm.. you know uhm.. Ducks? Yeah those things?” He gestured vaguely with his hand, “They’re great uh. Yeah ducks are cool… with all their.. Water sliding off them and… water that slides off.”

Silence.

“Yeah… ducks,” He turned around and fell backwards. Not wanting to continue whatever that was.

He felt uncomfortable with the multiple sets of arms catching him. Made him feel queasy. But if it’s trust exercises the princess wants, he literally cannot refuse.

Crowley glanced at the people who caught him. Charlie, (obviously). Vaggie, (makes sense). Snake guy? Huh. and…

He glanced at Aziraphale, and his happy face, beaming with pride at something Crowley wasn’t sure of yet.

He felt their face heat up the longer Aziraphale was there, staring at him.

“Alright alright! Put me down, now!” He exclaimed. Vaggie rolled her eyes and he was left standing on the floor again, really wanting to move past this, “Erm, Angel!” They pointed in the vague direction of both Angel Dust and Aziraphale.

“Me?” The latter asked.

“No not you angel,” Crowley muttered, pointing past him and towards the spider demon who had his arms crossed. 

Angel Dust snickered at something that Crowley didn’t quite get. Bloody sinners.

“Angel! Why don’t you go next?”

Angel rolled his eyes before walking over to the side stage, “Fineeee….”

“And make sure it’s actually about yourself this time,” Vaggie tacked on, giving a pointed stare at Crowley.

The group watched as his high heels clacked against the wood of the centre stage, “Somethin’ about myself, eh?” Angel thought, scratching the side of his chin for a moment.

Suddenly, he grinned smugly, putting one set of arms behind his back, “Well how ‘bout this? I LOVE to suck-”

“I swear to fuck if you say dicks!!” Husk yelled accusingly from next to Sir Pentious. To which Aizraphale cringed at. ‘Me too angel… me too…’ Crowley thought.

“-Popsicles, ya sicko!” Angel said, letting a finger lazily spin next to his temple, “Get ya mind outta the gutter!”

He spun and fell off the stage in one smooth motion. Husk catching the spider demon bridal style.

Angel smirked at the cat, “But you know, dick’s too.”

Husk immediately dropped Angel after that. Honestly Crowley doesn’t even want to touch Angel, who knows where he’s been? Props to the cat for actually catching him.

Angel Dust rubbed at his neck for a moment before looking up at an uncomfortable Sir Pentious, “Alright new guy, you’re up.”

…

A spotlight shone in the darkness glimmering on the stage, “I….” Sir Pentious started with watery eyes, “Don’t want to live without my minions.” He looked faint as he held a hand to his forehead. “NOBODY CATCH ME!”

He fell (or more like slipped) backwards, into the arms of an awaiting crowd. Crowley watched next to Aziraphale and saw the angel move to join them before he tugged him back by the crook of his elbow, “You don’t want to touch that one.”

Basically most of the crowd went to catch him except for Angel Dust. Sir Pentious hunched up his shoulders, a disgruntled look on his face, “Damn it.”

“That’s great,” Vaggie dead-panned, as she let the snake slide off her arms, “Wow, you are slimy. Ok uh, good job. Er, Nifty?” She asked, looking around for said sinner.

Luckily (or unluckily) Nifty didn’t have to be prompted twice as she scampered up the stage with an excited look on her face.

Her eyes actually glittered (somehow!? Sinners I guess), “ Sometimes I kill motherbugs in front of their children as a warning to others!! ” She said with a sadistic look on her face. She looked like she was about to stab someone right there and then.

Everyone stared at her at varying degrees of concern.

“What the fu….” Crowley mumbled under his breath, even Aziraphale didn’t say anything.

She giggled and immediately went to jump off the platform. The entire crowd moved back to give way as she belly flopped onto the hardwood floors with wide crazy eyes.

Crowley would swear to Aziraphale later that he heard a crack coming from Niftys’ skull.

“YAY! Pain!!!” She exclaimed, running up to jump off the platform again. And again. And again.

As everyone tracked Nifty’s running path with their eyes, Aziraphale looked to the side to see Vaggie and Charlie break apart from the group to talk with one another.

Raising an eyebrow, he grabbed Crowley’s hand and tapped him on the palm. Crowley flinched slightly, before he made eye contact with Aziraphale and raised an eyebrow. The angel nodded his head towards the hotel owner and her girlfriend, the original serpent following the direction he pointed out. He ended up raising both of his eyebrows.

“Wonder what’s that about eh angel..?” Crowley murmured.

Angel Dust overheard the two talking, overseeing the little interaction from his ridiculous height. Humming with a small smile, he started walking over to the lesbians with a sway in his step.

Draping his arms around Charlie and Vaggie—-Crowley couldn’t see what his face looked like, but if he would have to guess it was the stupid fucking smirk he liked to wear—-he looked down at the two, talking loud enough for the rest of the group to hear him.

“If you’re in the market for some ideas, I got just the thing for some trust buildin ’~.”

And Crowley did not like what just came out of his mouth. Not from that sinner.

“Angel shitting Dust! WHAT is this place?!!” 

“What? No activity requires more trust than BDSM, baby. I feel like as a snake you should know that.” 

Crowley was basically spewing with steam before the group could even set foot into this place. This was NOT a place for someone like his angel! Left to right, up and down, the place was covered in crude sex toys, leashes, and other things he’d wish not to name. It seems they weren’t the only one fuming at Angel’s ‘trust building’ activity though.

“Angel, what the FUCK,” Vaggie was notably upset about this as well, especially with her girlfriend only a few feet away.

“No bond is stronger than those formed through bondage~” Angel replied, trying to persuade Vaggie on his choice, ”That’s their motto!” Angel gestured towards a poster on the wall. Indeed, it did say that motto… did not mean Crowley had to like it .

Charlie chimed in, “Angel! Love the enthusiasm but… umm, uhh.. hmmm…” She was struggling to find words for this kind of situation. At most, she felt very uncomfortable with this situation. Vaggie glanced back at Charlie’s queasy expression and Crowley noticed another wave of anger rising.

‘Oh this Angel is gonna get it.’

“What makes you think anyone would be into this?!?! I mean this is absolute BULL-” before Vaggie could continue, a low purring was heard behind them. The group sideyed Husk, revelling in his massage. 

“Well, it seems like someone is enjoying himself,” Crowley thought to add. I mean at least someone was into this. His eyes trailed to a wall behind husk, showing a range of items hanging off of it. From bedazzled…. Chokers, to an actual whip.

He waltzed over to Husk’s massage area wanting to get a gag out of it to shut Angel Dust up.

“Yeah ya know… I don’t hate this,” Husk said as Crowley stepped over him.

The snake smirked, “Real comfy there kitty cat?”

Husks' good mood immediately vanished, “Can you just shut up for once?”

“Whatever you say pussy.” 

Husk growled, trying to ignore the snake and turned back into enjoying himself. However Nifty had other plans.

“I’m ready to punish some baaaad boys,” Nifty grinned in an all leather suit, smacking some sort of whip in her hands.

Crowley glanced down at Husk, “Oi, Nift-!”

Husk promptly left with no means of returning. 

“Man, I wonder what’s gotten him in a bad mood,” He muttered. Husk’s previous masseur offered Crowley a massage as well now but they turned it down. He was definitely not interested in a sinner rubbing all over his back. Crowley went back to grotesquely looking around this place. It appears without noticing he left something behind. What was it?

Just then, Crowley can hear a familiar voice yelling out to him…

“Crowley! Take a look at this place, what a mess! I’m not sure what you were expecting me to help with but certainly not this!!”

‘Oh yeah his angel was here.’

Crowley snapped back into reality, realising poor Aziraphale had to deal with this himself. 

‘Shit! I gotta get him out of here quickly. ‘

He tried to go and grab Aziraphale but finally registered the fact he travelled quite the distance across the room to tease Husk/shut up Angel. Now he has a swarm of sinners by his side instead, wanting to lead him closer into their dens. Crowley always considered himself decently attractive but this many sinners made them kind of overwhelmed. He was just hoping Aziraphale wasn’t experiencing this same problem.

“Alright you lot shoo shoo! I got no time for these kinds of human activities,” Crowley rushed past the crowd back into the safety of his angel’s side. He didn’t want to admit it but he was getting a little shaky staying longer in this place. Although he has fit the looks for this environment, Crowley was very much a virgin. And deep down, they get intimidated and a little sick of this sex life humans have indulged in. Maybe along God’s Plan there was something in store for him to indulge as well. 

Aziraphale looked back at Crowley trying to organise the thoughts in his head. 

“Crowley?”

“Mm, yes angel?”

“Were we just about to leave now?”

Crowley finally locked in what they were trying to do.

“Right, yes. Uh, Charlie!!” They searched the area to find Charlie in a similar situation as themself. Vaggie was also equally displeased with it. How strange both pairings mirror each other so well.

“Ugh, I can’t fuckin believe I let you drag us here Angel,” Vaggie exclaimed as she pushed Charlie back with the group and closer to the door, “This is disgusting.”

“It’s no big deal Vaggie!” Charlie blurted, “You know, maybe I can just help, uh-”

“No. I told you, you could trust me. And I’m not gonna let you down.”

Crowley gave out an exasperated sigh, Jeez this is gonna drag out isn’t it.

“Alright lovebirds are we gonna leave or what?”

“Yeah, yeah in a minute…” Vaggie took a long pause, “I just need to teach them the way I was taught.”

“This is how you learnt to trust people!?” Charlie yelled incredulously. Crowley could barely hear her over the shouts and screams of agony from the sinners below them.

Vaggie led the group to what seemed to be (at first) an abandoned building. It seemed innocent, Vaggie leading the troup to the roof. But when the moth girl told them to look over the ledge, they found a cacophony of chaos. Sinners were running around, hiding behind debris that probably hasn’t been fixed in decades. Others were cackling with glee, throwing around bombs, knives, and other explosives at unsuspecting victims. They were pretty sure they saw some guy running around on fire at the edges of the war zone.

Aziraphale had to take a minute to gasp at the amount of blood and guts strewn around. Crowley distinctly remembered Husk mumbling ‘oh shit’ under his breath as the group got closer to the edge. A flash of recognition behind his eyes.

They scrunched up their nose at the amount of blood and wasteful sinners in the area who had nothing better to do, ‘Couldn’t have put it better myself Husk..’

Vaggie, in a commanding tone, turned around to look at the group with her hands on her hips, “There is nothing stronger than the trust between comrades in arms! Buckle up butter cups because today you boys become men!”

An explosion set off at just the right moment as Vaggie walked over, picking up Sir Pentious.

“You…” She said.

He was the first to go.

“Wait wait! I can’t fight without my minions-”

“...are going to survive together!!” Vaggie grunted, throwing Sir Pentious into the midst of the battlefield.

Crowley and Aziraphale’s eyes widened as they saw Sir Pentious scream as he went all the way down. His clawed hands flailing for purchase on the building before he landed harshly, another sinner quickly going over to attack him.

“Wait wait-!”

Angel Dust was next.

Vaggie turned on him, “You-”

“D-don’t you even think about i-” Angel stammered, trying to push Vaggie back with his lower set of arms, but it was too late for him.

“-are going to trust each other!!”

Vaggie grabbed his lanky spider ass and tossed him off the roof.

Aziraphale mumbled, “Oh dear….” As he watched Angel Dust fall all the way down.

Crowley was next.

Vagge turned her head to him, “And you-”

“I didn’t do anything!!” Crowley exclaimed, struggling against Vaggie as she yanked at their arm, “I have been a good bloody demon all-”

Crowley was cut off by his own curses as they were sent careening down the building.

He heard a faint, “-are going to make this hotel work!!” as they fell. Down and down they went.

It honestly wasn’t the long of a fall, the screams were kind of dramatic. They did land however, with a harsh thud as their ass made contact with the broken ground. A jolt sent up their arm from how he landed on their wrist.

Crowley winced, rubbing at it, “The damned….” They scowled.

Brushing themselves off, he stood up and spread their arms out dramatically, “Give it up for the fuck nowhere damned people!! I swear to all of heaven when I get out of here I’ll be having words with people-”

An explosion cut off what they were about to say and they finally took in their surroundings. Now that they weren’t on a tall building any more, Crowley could really appreciate how the broken debris towered over them. Like those hide-y holes, aka convenient places to break the base and whoops now that person is trapped and/or maimed. 

Crowley stared at the carnage of sinners running around in person. Bombs, knives, blood flew into the air as screams of delight, terror, and pain rang out.

‘Bloody party down here isn’t it…’ Crowley thought sarcastically.

A sinner ran out from behind a car across the street from Crowley. He had a shark head with a singular sharpened gold tooth and a machine gun. He was grinning maniacally as he looked around. Crowley, in their “I would definitely notice what’s going to happen to me (not)” state, didn’t notice this until they heard the click of a gun. Their eyes widened as they focused on the sinner.

“No… no no no…” Crowley mumbled.

The sinner grinned.

They barely had enough time to duck out of the first bullets—-”Ah SHIT” —Scratch that, they didn’t have enough time to duck out of the first few bullets, as they ran over to a nearby pile of rubble they were scrutinising earlier.

They crouched down under the dirt and debris. A bent pipe awkwardly jabbing into their back. Crowley checked their arm, a bullet having torn clean through it. There was now a bead of golden liquid near the upper part of their arm that was slowly dripping. Bleeding. Crowley snapped their fingers, the bleeding immediately receding back into their arm and the torn sleeve covering it up again.

They peered around the pile of rubble, to try and take a look at the trigger happy sinner, “Fuck fuck fuck—-”

“Crowley?” An annoying voice called out from behind them.

Crowley turned around to see another person standing next to them with multiple guns in their hands. Oh. The spider.

“What the hell are you doing down- you know what, I’m not even gonna ask,” Angel Dust said as he looked around the other side. 

They scowled and stood up again, “I. Got thrown off.”

“We all got thrown off—-” BANG “—-Nothing special. I swear when I get my hands on Vaggie I’ll-” Angel dodged a small object getting thrown at his face before quickly realising it’s a grenade and going to kick it away.

It exploded half way through the air.

“Yeah but at least I didn’t scream like a bloody pussy,” Crowley responded, snapping their fingers so that the gun of the sinner firing at them conveniently backed up, and conveniently exploded into pieces.

Angel Dust used one of his lower set of arms to whirl Crowley around to face him, “Do the little- uh..” He waved one of his hands in a vague motion, “Whatever you do and teleport us the fuck outta here!”

Crowley slapped the hands off themselves, “It doesn’t work like that- Duck!”

They pulled the sinner down with them to dodge an honest to god rubber duck that was flying at their heads.

Angel Dust stood up again and brushed himself off with around three hands, “Well then make it work like tha- Nifty.” He pointed behind Crowley.

“Wha-” 

Something knocked into their head and they yelped, nearly stumbling into Angel. It was giggling like a madman as it jumped off their head again like a springboard and back into the world.

“STAB! STAB! STAB! HAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Crowley took a moment to realise the red blur was Nifty who was scuttling away with a comically large needle. They don’t even want to know where she got that. It was at that point Crowley and Angel Dust both looked at each other with a slightly grim look.

“So uh… know who else is down here?” He asked awkwardly.

Crowley shrugged, “Well I think it’s everyone.”

“Everyone?” Angel Dust thought for a moment before sweat dropping, “Hey uh, Crow?” “Don’t call me that.” “-Where’s Sir Pentious?”

They looked at Angel for a moment. Angel Dust thought for a moment Crowley looked horrified before they said,

“Who?”

“ Are you fucking -” Angel Dust breathed in deeply before looking out to the carnage outside their hiding spot, “No one important. But Charlie would be upset if we let him get himself shitting killed out here.”

“Oh.” Crowley thought about the implications of that for a moment, “Oh shit .” Listen, as much as Crowley would like to say they ‘don’t care what these sinners are doing’ or ‘how they’re emotionally doing’ all the time…. It’s kinda a problem if the Princess of Hell, aka their boss’ daughter, aka the singular task they were assigned was to help her down in this hell hole, was sad over some person dying. 

Because that means they failed at their job. And sure, they don’t really care if they fail this job. They do care however, about Lucifer, and the look Aziraphale would give them if they let the inferior snake die.

Suddenly, a high-pitched scream sounded out.

“There he is.” Both Crowley and Angel Dust said at the same time.

The two of them looked out the side of the rubble to see the snake running away from an entire mob of sinners with angry and gleeful looking faces. Or well sliding away (Crowley can see the slime coating the ground in his wake. Gross.) He was whingeing a lot, until, he tripped. His arms pinwheeling as he face planted into the ground with a girlish exclamation.

The idiot fucking tripped while getting chased. 

“Shit,” Angel muttered.

The mob closed in and all the two could hear was a lot of punching, and kicking, and some sort of bat hitting against Sir Pentious’ skull. And Sir Pentious’ screaming, a lot of the snake screaming.

Crowley raised an eyebrow, “Welp, he’s a goner.” They said before turning to walk away.

Angel grabbed their arm and dragged them back to him, “No, you’re not getting out of this one!” His hands scrambled for a few guns and ammunition, clicking them into place as he started out at the mob of sinners, “That idiots not fucking dying on our watch.”

“Hghhhh, well, they have guns and honestly I think that fall from the building-”

“Here.”

Angel forcibly shoved some sort of pistol into Crowley's hands and they got flashbacks to Aizraphales magician show from 1941. The one with the uhh, what were they…

Angel Dust ran out from behind the hiding spot yelling at the group as Crowley continued to stare, not knowing what to do with the pistol in their hands.

… that’s right. Nazi’s! Yeah those Nazi zombie fuckers. ‘They’re probably in hell right now, ’ Crowley mused, dropping the gun on the ground with a bored expression.

He walked out into the open to see Angel, Nifty (?), and Sir Pentious fighting off at least a few dozen sinners. One of them looked significantly more beat up than the others.

Crowley snapped their fingers and all of a sudden, any and all guns in the area were shooting water. The sinners looked at their rifles, snipers, pistols, revolvers, and any other gun under the sun that Crowley couldn’t name, in confusion. Accusations were thrown between the demons, they probably thought one of them did it. Crowley snorted at the thought.

In the distance they saw Angel click his gun and realise it still had all its ammunition with a feral grin.

Sir Pentious started to get back to his feet (tail?) from where he was literally getting spit on by some others before throwing a kinda weak sucker punch at the sinner in front of him, “...yeahssss, there’s more where THAT came… from…” He said, very pathetically.

Nifty grinned, covered in all different kinds of substances (Crowley didn’t even want to know) as she ran around cackling.

A sinner with some sort of bug head looked at Crowley before it was suddenly decapitated with a card thrown from the distance.

They all looked over to see Husk, a broken beer bottle in one hand and a deck of shining cards in the other.

Crowley looked at him, glasses feeling like they were gonna comically slide off their face at any moment, “....Where the FUCK DID YOU COME FROM!?”

Crowley and the sinners arrived back at the hotel from their little expedition with more bonding and trauma. Ah nothing like some trauma bonding to get to know each other. It seems Aziraphale and the two angels have been here for ages just waiting for their soldiers to arrive back from war (not that they went up to congratulate them or anything). Vaggie and Charlie were still knee deep in some serious conversation above while below there was Crowley’s angel who looked like he died from fright. Aziraphale wasn’t one to get so nervous yet if Crowley was in the pits of hell, maybe he can afford to worry a lot. He was too much in his own head wondering what could’ve possibly happened to Crowley. Is he alright? Did his miracles work? Did they get discorporate again?? What if- SNAP.

“Y’alright there angel? Look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Aziraphale’s eyes widened, “Oh Heaven’s sake Crowley! You made it!” 

He latched onto Crowley’s shoulders, shaking them vigorously in disapproval.

“Do you realise how dangerous that was? Gosh, you could’ve been discorporated by those nasty demons! Can’t believe they made you do something like that!!”

Crowley pulled out of Aziraphale’s grasp, “Relax angel, I’m all good. Tickety boo if you must. In fact, I think the other sinners may’ve enjoyed that little rodeo.”

“Enjoyed? That wasssss a fucking shit show!” Sir Pentious furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms. He was quite a victim in the pit.

Crowley lounged back onto the couch whining, “Oh c’mon, remember when that mob started hitting you with a bat? Your head was like a baseball! HAHA!”

“Oh and then when that buff guy started beating the shit outta you! You lucked out once the guns started shooting water,” Angel Dust chimed in, swinging his arms around. They all started having a good laugh looking back at the ridiculous situation. Such a miracle to make it out there alive…

“Hahaha! Yes! With the dismembered arm. Yes, that was particularly unpleasant.” Sir Pentious’ hair flattened, still unpleased how everyone enjoyed his suffering in the pit. 

“Hehe, I liked that part..”

“Of course everyone did Nifty. What sinners wouldn’t enjoy the pain and suffering of others,” Crowley gushed by his angel still in disbelief. The group was back into surrounding the couch except with some more friendly chatter this time. Husk got a proper beer bottle this time before waltzing back to the parloud.

“Well hey, at least you can take a beating like a champ. You did okay, new kid.”

Sir Pentious eyes were dazzling, “Really? Oh, well.. I suppose I did get into a little of the old rough and tumble today haha! And uh-” his eyes met Angel Dust and Crowley, “Thanks you two for pulling me out of there.”

“Well those water guns were a real miracle weren’t they!” Angel Dust slapped Pentious’ back.

“S’nothing special really, I mean you’d do that if we got in that kind of trouble,” Crowley wasn’t comfortable with that compliment but he could take it.

Once the hotel seemed to liven up, someone had come back to ruin it. Crowley was the first to greet their special guest.

“Failed to get rid of the eggs?” Once the words spilled out of their mouth, eggs were running left and right back to their fake mother goose. Multiple clinging onto his legs and babbling about their own pathetic little days, “You know I’d thought they’d get attached to you by the end of the day. Apparently not enough!”

“Yes, well, the little monsters prove to be rather useful…”

“Does that mean Sir Pentious can take them off my hands again??” Crowley started becoming desperate. The eggs were at first a little cute but now being imprinted on Crowley made them want to make devilled eggs for lunch. They just hoped the eggs could go back to their owner instead of hanging onto him. They stared at Vaggie with solicit in his eyes. She gave a small approving nod and Sir Pentious went running (sliding) for his eggs. 

“AH MY PRECIOUS EGGSSSSSSSS! YESSSSS!!”

“Good to have them back?” Crowley asked, being freed from their chains.

“So good to have you guys back. Now clean up my quarters THIS INSTANT.” Pentious yelled at the poor jolly eggs whilst they all started ascending the staircase.

Crowley relaxed back into the couch, back with his angel. The others decided maybe it’s around time to wind down back in their rooms. One by one, Angel a phone call away from sleeping, Charlie and Vaggie promptly leaving together all sleepy, Husk having one last bottle before passing out again. This leaves the two immortals at bay in the lobby. It has been a long time since they’ve been like this. Alone. Together. Crowley missed this feeling. Aziraphale’s shoulder was slightly nudging against his as he went back into his book he read beforehand. Since arriving, Crowley hasn’t had much free time to do much. All this extermination, 6 months left, trust exercises, all too much for one snake. They readily closed his eyes before…

“Crowley?”

“M’yes angel?”

“Do you think they can do it?”

“Do what?”

“This whole, redemption stuff.”

“Nah not really.”

“Well, do you believe in them?”

“Nghh…”

“I know it’s an impossible dream but I do. I believe it can work. Who knows? Maybe you can be back in heaven with me."

“Mmm, sure angel. I’m sure I can.”

Crowley couldn’t remember the last of their conversation, only a sweet lull to soothe him back to sleep again.

Chapter Text

There was a still frame in front of them. Glass walls surrounding the three showed the slow movement of various tech sharks. The room was cold, with bright LED’s being the only source of light there. On one of the glass walls was a screen propped up in front of the long meeting table. The three usually alternated between various meeting places, but Vox had the most professional room of the Vee’s

The still frame shown was security footage from the front of that ‘Happy Hotel’ or whatever the fuck they’re calling themselves now a days. And in the center frame was a red haired bastard grinning right at the camera. No not that red haired bastard. A different one.

“Okay, OKAY so,” Vox stood in front of the screen, like he’s doing a sales pitch. Actually it was a sort of sales pitch, “I know that, we’ve been taking a few losses lately-”

“Vox who the fuck is this,” Velvette said, “He looks like a washed up drunk and a downgraded version of Alastor.”

“Bastard,” Vox mumbled under his breath before regaining his composure, “No, Vel, this is a sinner called Crowley.”

Valentino and Velvette glanced at each other from their places at the table. The two looked largely uninterested and Velvette picked at her nails. Because, honestly, Vox hating some poor schmuck was getting boring. Especially after all his losses that are making the Vee’s look bad.

“And yes. He looks very… uninteresting. However you may know him from his recent acts involving… Armageddon.” He said carefully, “You might know him. His name is Crowley?”

Velvette’s eyes widened a fraction and Valentino started violently coughing.

“That guy!?” She exclaimed, pointing at the still frame as Valentino broke down, “He fucked up Armageddon???”

“Yes! And- and I have proof of his power!!” Vox said hurriedly, pulling up a different video. With his high tech Voxtech he was able to zoom all the way in with the highest resolution money can make. From that video, the three could see Crowley snapping his fingers (unsubtly) and the smashed egg on the ground piecing itself together until it was smiling dumbly again.

Velvette squinted at the video, “Vox anyone can do that. That doesn’t prove shit.”

“No, Vel. Those eggs may not seem like much but they are living creatures themselves,” The video zoomed out to show the giant death blimp Sir Penny guy made, “They also helped build that. They’re capable of free thought, self-motivation, autonomy!!”

“Ok now you’re throwing buzz words around-”

“NO MATTER HOW SMALL OR INSIGNIFICANT THEY ARE, they are LIVING CREATURES,” Vox tried to drown out Vel through sheer volume alone, “And THAT GUY made it come back with a snap of his fingers, in less that 2 seconds. Do you know how much power that takes. A lot!!” Coming from a guy that tried it after watching that video.

Valentino squinted at the video, calming down after a moment, “I think, I remember you showing me that guy. Vaguely…” Vaguely, as in he remembers Vox rambling about a red haired guy but was barely listening and half thought he was just talking about Alastor again. “...If it makes you feel any better, we can just recruit him to work under us?” He said, trying to placate him.

Vox wanted to scream, “The guy that fucked up Armaggedon? Working under us?? Do you see that look on his face whenever he sees Alastor?”

This time the screen showed multiple pictures (some Vox shouldn’t even have?) of Crowley looking at Alastor with the same loathing look in every one. Some pictures show the two purposefully antagonising each other.

“Vox why are you stalking this guy-”

“DON’T YOU SEE. He’s powerful. He was directly involved in the Armageddon event. And he hates Alastor. He’s.. ” He sighs dreamily, “He’s perfect.... I want to meet him, to see his power, to make him work with us instead of under us. With the Vee’s and him working together, we’ll finally have enough power to get rid of that bastard Alastor and the future of Hell would belong to the Vee’s!”

Velvette and Valentino looked at each other with the same thought, ‘Oh he’s so down bad.’ 

Valentino started first after an awkward silence, “Well… I have a film to shoot in an hour. So whatever the fuck you’re doing I can’t help. Sorry.” He shrugged, not sorry at all as he stood up to get ready.

Velvette looked at him betrayed, ‘You’re leaving me with this!?’ She slowly glanced at Vox out of the corner of her eye, who in turn was staring at her with an expecting look in his eyes.

It was pathetic.

She sighed and relented, “Fine fine, what plan do you have?” Vox pumped his fist into the air, excited.

‘This is your partner, friend, and fellow sinner, you have to be there for him through his ups..’ Velvette looked at the board Vox pulled up of his rambling about… Ravenly(?) with concern and disgust, ‘...and downs.’

‘And this is certainly a low point for him.’

It’s only been about a week in this hotel and Aziraphale was already fed up. Not with the hotel itself though.

“CROWLEY! It’s time- to- get out of- bed!” Aziraphale stammered as he simultaneously yanked the snake (a literal snake this time) from the edge of his bed. Once Aziraphale got to the hotel, it seemed that every other morning always started like this. A nice red sunrise, some warm tea to calm the nerves, then wrenching the serpent out of bed once it was past 10am. 

“Hngggg, 5 more minutes angel…” Crowley grumbled under his breath, tugging at the bed sheets with his fangs. It was way too early for him to even be thinking about getting up. Has anyone even heard of sleeping in until noon down here?? The fangs sink deep into the duvet long enough for some venom to stain it. Crowley was determined to stay in bed. Again. 

“You must Crowley! Charlie is waiting downstairs to start her new exercise today! I heard you can bring your ducks in this time.”

“Go yourself angel, just leave me here for… a…” Crowley muttered but before he could finish his sentence, he dozed off a little in the moment. Apparently chewing on the sheets is very comforting — like chewing a teddy bear, or prey. Enough for him to at least close his eyes, maybe relax, maybe dream for another minute whilst a rabid angel tugs at his tail. Aziraphale notices the sudden stillness Crowley exhibited. He huffed and let go of his tail. Ah yes, every other morning.

“Oh for God’s sake Crowley! I know you’ve always been a lazy demon but this is ridiculous. I’ll pull you by the head if necessary!” Aziraphale threw his hands up in a fit of rage. He waits a beat to see if Crowley will take his threat seriously or like every other time, just ignore it and drool in his sleep. Crowley responded with an obnoxious snore. 

Aziraphale took a deep breath, “Ok. You asked for it.”

“Ngh? Hey- hey- HEY- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”

Charlie stood anxiously next to the stairs, awaiting the eternal beings for the next fun activities she has meticulously planned all night — again. Despite their limited time together at the hotel, she finds their input and opinions have been deemed to be valuable to improving this hotel. For her at least, everyone’s opinion is very valuable to her. Those inputs however have not registered to those two entities or any other demon in this hotel that they held some sort of value, rather they just tolerate each other for what seems like forever. Thus Charlie waits patiently for her last waking guests to join in the ‘fun’ she’s created. 

The others were not happy. 

“C’moooon Charlie! Those two mofos always take so long these days. We can just start without them!” Angel Dust exclaimed in pure annoyance. 

“Just another minute, I feel like they’ll really like this activity today. No offence Angel! It's just… the last one was a rough start for our new guy,” Charlie replied nervously, “You know with the… whole sex dungeon- and throwing them into battle!”

Angel raises an eyebrow. 

Charlie unconsciously moves towards the lounge area whilst continuing her rant, “I feel like a show and tell would be perfect for him! In the safe space of the hotel, we can get to know each other better-“

Before more chattering could ensue, a loud thud was heard in the distant stairwell. Everyone turns their eyes towards the echoing noise which was caused by — something rather small? Petite even. They noticed a black thin object at the edge of the stairs writhing around as if it had been set on fire (even if there was no fire). Charlie verges closer to this object, once an object now something else taking whole; a living creature, a breathing entity, a-

“Crowley?!”

“Mhm yea, don’t wear it out.” He answered wispily, still out of breath from some accident of sorts.

“Wha- what happened??” Charlie asked with concern yet not enough concern to gently aid the snake — rather pick it up and shake him rigorously (as if that will help explain the situation). It felt like the right thing to do in that situation. Crowley was tough, and she was kinda confused (Re: VERY CONCERNED) why he was one the ground writhing about. His signature sunglasses somehow did not fall off during his little…. tantrum(?) and the preceding shaking.

“Ask—” Cough. ”—angel that.” Crowley wheezed, finally out of Charlie’s deathly grip, his small, slithering snake form slowly transformed back into their usual swagger form.

Angel Dust points to himself, “Me? I’ve been down here all this ti- oh you mean the other one.”

“He’s not the other one, maybe you’re the other one!” Crowley looked at Angel Dust very offended but then again, it was way too early to argue with anyone right now. “Well yeah, angel should be here any minute. Kinda just threw me down the stairs, no warning to that.”

Speak of the devil (angel) and he shall arrive. A plump ball of light has waddled its way downstairs for once, seemingly pleased with himself too. Aziraphale hums quite a lovely tune before pausing, realising the blank, astonished faces at his presence. He analyzes the situation, confused at their appalled expressions. 

“Is everything alright here?” He calmly asked.

Angel Dust spluttered, “Alright, alright? Ba! You just threw this demon down five flights of stairs! Honestly pretty alright with me but still, coming from you? That’s a first.”

Charlie chimed in, “Aziraphale what in any way do we treat each other like this! I know he can be irritating at times but head first down the hotel seems like a bit much!”

Aziraphale is still perplexed at this. Crowley isn’t surprised these sinners wouldn’t get it. 

“Well I brought him downstairs like you said Charlie. He was a bit unwilling but I managed to change that,” Aziraphale gives Charlie his usual warm smile in hopes to bring some amity again (like this hotel ever had any in the first place). 

“But uh- it’s just- ok you know what let’s just move on!” Charlie hesitated but she can’t really do much with it now. 

Everyone dismissed it lightly, sitting back down at the sofas with Charlie and Vaggie trailing behind. Vaggie tugged at her a bit.

“Are you still sure about this guy?”

“Hm, the angel?”

“Uhh, yeah of course the angel. He fuckin’ pushed a guy down five flights of stairs!”

Charlie looked a little puzzled. Aziraphale has been doing lots of help for the hotel, a few broken bones will be fine right? (If Crowley could even break any bones…) If the warmth of the angel must throw demons down the stairs to stay at the hotel, she might have to let it slide. 

“Well if Crowley was unfazed I think it’s fine… seems like a normal thing for them!”

“Yes but that’s just now. What if he shoves one of us down the stairs? Or down a cliff? Or he goes and-

Charlie nudged Vaggie on the shoulder, “But it hasn’t happened yet right? If it comes to that I can deal with it but right now, let’s try and get to know him better!”

Vaggie lets go of Charlie, a somber look reflecting on her, “Ok, ok, BUT the second something happens to you he’s out.”

“Deal.” Charlie rushed back to the group before Vaggie could give more lectures, “Alright guys! So by what I said last night by bringing in some of your favourite things today, I’m sure you can guess we’re doing a show and tell today! Yay!!”

An unenthusiastic parade of ‘yays’ followed-—-except for one (1) very eager ‘yay’. Crowley didn’t even bother with the facade of yays, just slouched back into the couch, writhing around for comfort.

“Ok so I can see everyone is super excited, especially Crowley, so, why not he goes first!”

“I beg your pardon?” Before he could debate Charlie already gripped his arm and lugged them into the center of the parlour for everyone to see. 

“Everyone give it up for Crowley! Please share your… thing.” Charlie sat back down on the floor next to Vaggie, spirits at an all time high.

Crowley stood there. Confused, irritated but most of all: nervous. He hasn’t actually planned anything, or knew what to say. 

“So um.. We show something, and tell it, is that how it works here?” Sweat dripped from his forehead. God dammit, he was a demon! Why does he feel so nervous in front of these nitwit humans! Luckily for him, his glasses hid his wide eyed expressions. Just show something, and tell it! Yeah that’s what they want —- or more accurately, Aziraphale and Charlie want.

He snapped his fingers.

Charlie’s eyes glowed, but the light dimmed once she saw in his hands-

“A… duck?”

Angel Dust howled in laughter. “You can create ANYTHING in this hellhole and you chose a duck?!”

Crowley held his palms out, displaying a quaint little duck, the size of a volleyball perhaps. He steamed at Angel Dust’s comment. “Well I’ll have you know these creatures are probably more intelligent than any of you humans in this room!”

Angel Dust bursted into another round of laughter. “Oh really? Can ducks even fuck this dick?”

”Well.. Not exactly..” In a snap, the duck launched at Angel Dust. 

“MMHHH, MHMHMM!!” Angel Dust tried to rip the duck off his face but the sudden flurry of wings and beak bites was more challenging than he thought.

“All right. Who’s up next?” Crowley smiled, proud of his work as Charlie audibly sighed in the background.

“This, right here ladies and gentlemen, is my best project yet!” Angel Dust said, proudly presenting an old VHS tape. 

Everyone looked at it with varying degrees of curiosity and skepticism.

“It’s… lovely Angel. I’m sure you worked very hard on your tape!” Charlie said, trying to be encouraging.

Angel Dust waved his hands, “No no no, you see-” He handed it off to the one closest to the TV, Sir Pentious. “It’s not about the tape, it’s about what’s on the tape.”

“Oh joy,” Crowley said dryly before Aziraphale jabbed him in the ribs.

Sir Pentious, having been given a random tape, decided to put it into the machine next to him and see what happens. The screen filled with static for a moment and Angel cursed, kicking it with his high heel. That seemed to fix it. The others could only stare as some title card with a cheesy font, played.

Angel Dust turned and flopped backwards, splaying across the couch behind him, “This was my best one.” 

Crowley would later tell you that he was subjected to watch the most horrifying, disgusting, toe curling, goat munching, piece of shit movie he’s ever watched. Watching Angel have sex on screen was a terrifying experience and Crowley thinks he came out worse by the end of it.  

Aziraphale would later tell you gently that it “wasn’t to everyone’s taste,” especially not his.

Charlie tried to be encouraging but was quickly proven wrong as she curled into her girlfriend next to her. Making various noises along the lines of “oh- oh god” as she glanced between the TV and the walls. Vaggie could only really stare in disgust. Sir Pentious was deeply shocked, grasping the edges of his seat like a life line as several different thoughts ran through his head.

Husk turned his back completely to the rest of the group and Nifty was the only one that seemed interested in it. 

“Ya know, this performance,” Angel Dust said proudly, ignoring everyone's reactions, “won me a Sex-x-x-i award.”

Charlie watched as the chair (in the clip) was thrown against a wall, along with someone else. “It’s uh… very.. honest…” She tried to say while watching, before making a small noise of regret and covering her face with her hand.

“Ew,” Vaggie dead panned.

Aziraphale frowned, his eyebrows creasing, “That is a very- interesting use of rope, Angel.”

Angel Dust’s face showed a small bit of a sneer, and hesitation, before he pulled himself together again. He smirked, “I can use it on you if you want~” The Angel (not to be confused with the porn star) grimaced, glancing off to the side as Crowley scowled over his shoulder. 

On screen Angel Dust was getting very hot and heavy. Him and the wolf just kept going at it. Various moans and shouts of “Daddy~” echoing in the hotel.

“-Okay! Enough of that, Angel what the fuck,” Vaggie asked, covering her girlfriends face for her. 

Mock-confused, he said, “What? You said it was Show and Tell day. I’m showin’ you my best film, and I’m tellin’ you  that it scored me a win over that bitch Tiffany Tittfucker.”

“I hope the Tittfucker won,” Crowley mumbled. Angel glared at him.

Husk cast a glance back at the group, cleaning one of several wine glasses, “Y’know, not a very convincing interrogation scene.”

The spider chuckled, but he wasn’t very amused, “Alright dickhead, what makes you think you have any right to insult my work to my fuckin’ face.”

Husk scowled from the other side of the room, “You really gonna sit there and pretend these scripts ain’t hot garbage?”

“I-I mean,” Aziraphale said, still reeling from the film, “It just needs a little fine tuning and-”

“Cut the bullcrap Aziraphale,” Husk responded, “You can say the truth: It’s bad. Really really bad.”

Angel Dust gasped, “Fuck. You. This is classy art!” He said, gesturing at where his on screen self is getting smacked in the ass repeatedly before the wolf-

Sir Pentious pulled his hair over his eyes as Nifty stared giddy at the screen. Crowley silently put a hand over Aziraphale’s eyes. 

“That’s bullshit,” Husk said, stalking towards where Angel Dust was on the couch, “You get drunk and bitch about them all the time. Everyone likes to bitch to the bartender. I know everything about you and these motherfuckers at this point.” He tacked on tiredly. 

Angel Dust didn’t believe him.

“That one,” Husk pointed at Sir Pentious, “That one is an insecure buffoon whose lonely ass watches you idiots sleep!”

He pointed at Charlie, “Princess, is a bleeding heart who wants to solve everybody else’s problems ‘cept her own.” Charlie spluttered in response.

“This one,” He gestures at Vaggie, “Judges everyone and everything because she hates herself.” 

“That bitch,” Husk pointed at Crowley, “Has the abandonment issues of a fucking koala, and the emotional intelligence of toddler.” 

“Oi?!” Crowley exclaimed, offended.

“Nifty?” He pointed at Nifty, who was giggling and kicking her feet at the prospect of being analysed, “...You don’t even wanna know what her deal is.”

Husk took a swig from his bottle before staring pointedly at Aziraphale, “....I don’t know what his fucking deal is, but knowing angel’s it’s probably freaky as shit.”

“Oh..” Aziraphale mumbled, a little bit sad at the fact that angels were thought of so lowly, “... well, I like books.”

The cat only stared at him in disbelief before Angel Dust burst out laughing after a moment, “You weren’t kidding!! Haha- wow, kitten’s got claws~” He cooed, grabbing Husks face.

“And you!” He exploded, pushing the porn star away, “Don’t get me started. I see right through you and all this bullshit! And how fake you are.”

Crowley scowled before standing up, “C’mon angel, show and tell’s over.” Angel Dust glanced over at him confused, until Aziraphale stood up and followed Crowley over to the door.

“Wh- but we haven’t even gotten halfway through!” Charlie exclaimed.

“Oh we won’t be gone long just uh-” Aziraphale looked at Crowley inquisitively, “Where are we going?”

“Nghh, just outside really,” Crowley said, opening the door. When Aziraphale stepped through into the humid air, he slammed it shut behind himself.

Hell was… hellish. The two looked over the crowded expanse of it. All reds and blacks and bleak and dark. The more techy parts had more shades of blue, though Crowley wasn’t fully sure why. Whereas you could clearly see where the- porn district was, with the bright lusty pinks wafting in the air. 

Aziraphale could hear the clamour of sinners. Of cars honking from inevitable break-ins. Of demons screeching their vengeance as their heads get blown off. It was really an angry, pitiful, sight to his eyes.

The angel folded his arms in on himself as he furrowed his eyebrows, “Thanks, for that.”

Crowley waved a hand, “No problem really.” After that mess, there was probably not gonna be any more Show and Tell. Which was good, because he really didn’t want to know what Nifty brought in.

The two stared out at the hellscape for a bit longer.

“Crowley.”

“Mmyes?”

“... do you think,” Aizraphale hesitated, “...do you think sinners could be redeemed?”

Crowley paused.

“I don’t know Angel,” He said, “Probably not.”

That was probably not the best thing to say as Aziraphale looked at him offended, “Oh Crowley-”

“What!? I’m not saying what no one else is thinking,” Crowley gestured vaguely, “This scheme is just- outlandish honestly. I mean, why has no other Sinner thought of it in the past six thousand years?”

Aziraphale pointedly looked away.

“It’s hell angel! What angelic bureaucrat would allow sinners up there?”

The door next to them opened with a click and a tell tale high heel stepped out of it, “-but unless you can fix my boss, there’s nothing you can do,” Angel Dust put on a pair of garish pink sunglasses before slamming the door in Charlie’s face.

The spider sighed, fixing his hair. Turning around he paused at the sight of Aziraphale and Crowley right next to him. 

“What are you two still doin- you know what, I don’t wanna know,” He said, walking away from the hotel and to wherever in hell he needs to go.

A few moments later Charlie pushed open the doors triumphantly, “Right! Uh,” She looked behind her, “Where does Angel work..? … Right yep, okay got it! Oh good you’re here.” She tacked on, looking at Crowley, “C’mon, you’re coming with me.” Grabbing his hand, he was tugged away in the direction where Angel Dust went.

“Uhhh, where are we going?” He said, glancing between her and Aziraphale. Aziraphale looked upset and a little put-off, but he doesn’t know why. Was it the spider? 

“We’re going to a porn studio!”

Crowley choked.

Really, he should’ve expected this.

The two stood outside what seemed to be a recording room. But all the lavish hearts and gaudy pinks clues him in on the fact this is part of the more, lust based district .Crowley scowled a bit, and raised an eyebrow at the red light above the door. Seemed like they were recording still, that’s fine, the two could-

Charlie stepped forward, pushing open the large double doors.

“Charlie wait-”

“Ohhh, so this is where the magic happens,” She said, walking further into the studio.

Crowley scowled, stopping the door before it fully closed on him to follow the princess. 

“Charlie, Charlie, they’re recording right now-”

She didn’t seem to listen though as she stumbled between actors. He frowned and went to physically drag her back out when Angel Dust stumbled towards her in a fluffy pink robe. Seriously, what is it with the district and pink!? Can there be any other colours than warm here? Or aggressively saturated? 

Angel Dust grasped her wrist and whispered violently in Charlie’s ear.  She pushed him away with gravitas, “I am the Princess of Hell, Angel and I go where I please!”

She whispered something again at Angel, something that caused him to panic. Weird. Crowley grabbed her shoulder, dragging her towards the door, “We need to leave, bother the poor sinners later, Princess.”

“Wha- but-” She stuttered.

“Angel!” Some prissy pink bitch shouted, “What is the fucking hold up!” The sinner looked indignant, and like a corpse. With grey skin and hearts everywhere on their person. They were probably the director because of the intricate moth-like chair it was sitting on.

“I’m coming!” Angel shouted back.

“Not off camera you’re not!”

Crowley frowned. Angel Dust wasn’t acting like himself. He didn’t look over the top or flirty, he just seemed scared. Crowley glanced at the director. 

‘Eh, not my problem,’ He thought as he opened the door.

Angel Dust kept on looking between Charlie and the set (that of course had the heart symbolism all over it because what was sex without hearts apparently??), “Please please, just wait. Wait until I’m done working and we can talk about this, I promise, but first you’ve gotta go-” Angel pleaded.

Honestly very reasonable. People were working, they were recording- ehhh something and Charlie burst in on that.

“Aaaah~ Your Majesty,” Corpse bride said. Angel Dust cursed under his breath as Crowley looked at—what, the spiders boss?—-up and down. Tall, lanky, unimpressive.

Heart eyes (he noted their glasses were shaped like hearts, which, of course they were-) glided over to them, “Welcome to my humble sex dungeon.”

Let him out. Right now.

“What can I do for such a-” All-fur-no-muscle pushed Angel Dust out of the way as he bent down to grasp Charlie’s arm. Rolling up the sleeve, a long tongue (ew) licked her fore arm, coating it in a pink saliva (double ew). Creepy guy moaned slightly, “Mmh, lovely specimen!”

“You don’t want a role do you?” He continued asking, “Because I could make you a star-”

“What the fuck was that,” Crowley said, pulling Charlie away from the bug. Pink bitch just blinked at him as he glowered back. “You can’t just- go around licking people, ‘specially not uh, this person.”

Grey skin stared at him, “And uh, you are?”

“Doesn’t matter,” He waved off. He really just wants to leave at this point. 

Uncomfortable, Charlie extracted herself from Crowley’s hands before clearing her throat, “Uh, I-I’m sorry. We have come to, aggressively kindly, speak with you about Angel.” We?? Don’t bring him into this. This wasn’t his idea.

Angel Dusts’ boss (apparently) raised an eyebrow at that. Angel Dust threw a panicked look over his boss’ shoulder.

“-Later! Of course,” Charlie added, “We wouldn’t want to stand in the way of your work.”

Tall-bie cracked his head over to look at Angel for a split second, before going back to Charlie, “Well then, make yourself comfortable, Your Majesty, and uh friend. And enjoy the show.”

The director turned around, doing a complete 180 as he yelled at his cast, “Well, let’s take this shit from the top!”

The door shut mysteriously behind them, causing Charlie to jump slightly.

“You know,” Crowley muttered, “That’s probably the first time I saw someone respect you, at least even a little bit.”

Charlie frowned a bit, before her eyes caught on someone, “Oh, hey!” She dashed forward to a worker that was just trying to do their job, “Do you have time to hear about the Hazbin Hotel-” She excitedly whispered.

Crowley rolled his eyes under his sunglasses and looked around. The architecture was a little bit more detailed than a filming studio needed to be. With plants and heart symbolisms, dotted around swooping arches. Or maybe that’s what a normal recording space looked like. He wouldn’t know.

Meandering about, he stole a script from some random worker and squinted at the pages.

The worker with a weird head frowned, “Hey wait aren’t you-” Crowley walked away.

He knew it, hot garbage. Hell was really running out of choices for entertainment huh. The dialogue was in-organic and the actions weren’t even realistic. 

Flipping through the script, he pointedly ignored Angel Dust’s acting. He doesn’t want to watch sinners have sex in front of him. Even though the writing was cringey and bad, it was ten times better than watching it. 

“Cut! What the fuck is going on with this?” The director yelled. It took Crowley a moment to realise he was yelling in the direction of Charlie.

‘Fuck my life.’

“Ohh, I’m sorry, were we too loud?” Charlie said apologetically, “I was just telling him about the Hazbin Hotel.”

Director guy smiled tensely, “Not at aaall, Princess. It doesn’t bother me one bit.” He glanced over at Angel and Crowley suddenly felt really awkward.

“You know this scene feels awfully violent-”

“Charlie.”

“-If you want help with the script-”

“Charlie.”

She wandered around the set, talking amicable, “-Maybe I can pitch some scenarios that are more, wHOA—” Before tripping on a thick wire, unplugging a cable from a technological mess. The cable triggered a chain reaction of electricity that went through all the other wires. And then, fire. 

“Okay. Okay. Auhh, aah- okay that’s on fire. That- that, that’s on fire.” Crowley rushed over to drag her away from the electrical fire as the staff went into various stages of running around and panicking.

She pulled away from his grip as she tried to put out the fire. It made it worse.

“Ooh god. Okay uh- do you have any-” She tried to pick up a gaudy, fluffy purple rug, that was on fire. Because everything was very flammable apparently! She tried slapping it on the ground but that only made it worse.

Crowley glanced around at the set, falling apart at the seams, and scowled. Fuck okay he might have to deal with this.

Swiftly grabbing Charlie by her bicep so she doesn’t continue making everything worse, Crowley snapped his fingers. In a woosh, the fires all blew out as if a strong wind just came through. He scowled and whirled Charlie around to face him, “Charlie.”

“I, oh god I am so sorry. I just ruined- oh my god I just ruined your movie didn’t I? I”m so-so-so-so-so sorry! I- I can clean it up-” She feverishly spouted apology after apology to a scowling director.

But he wasn’t looking at her. He was staring above her, at Crowley. Crowley made a face at that. Those eyes of his were… weird. Especially since that guy licked the princess of hell? No thank you. 

The director smoothed himself out a bit, “Doon’t you worry your pretty blonde head about it,” He said, but you could tell his heart wasn’t in it, “We have people for that~ Angel, can I see you in your dressing room for a moment.”

It wasn’t a request. Angel nervously trailed after his boss as Charlie looked on, heartbroken.

“Hey uh, kid,” The worker with a weird head was back. Crowley looked down to see a singer with blue pin stripes, blue screen, just- eck, a lot of blue. It wasn’t much of an improvement from all the garish pink. “A word?” He tried to sound cool, with his hands in his pocket, but his voice kinda cracked in the end. 

Crowley raised an eyebrow and glanced at Charlie. Charlie looked sort of worried, but her eyes were a lot more distant than her emotions as she gave a small nod. Crowley walked to a less singed bit of the room and let the worker follow him.

When the two were in a suitably shaded corner, away from the other staff cleaning up, blue boy piped up.

“Right so uh, you probably know me.”

An awkward pause. Crowley tried to rack his brain for something but came up empty, “..sure.”

“Great! Well if you know me, you probably know what I do,” Tv head babbled on. He pulled out a flier out of nowhere. Crowley stared at it for a moment before realising he was meant to take it. “We believe you’re a suitable fit to work with us, as a fellow overlord! Imagine, the power, at your fingertips, the sinners you could control-”

“Nah,” The flier was honestly gaudy. With neon blue, pinks, and purples. Honestly his eyes hurt just reading the damn thing. Something something, ‘Join the C’s(?) we’ll be a great team!’ something ‘let’s kill Alastor!’ It was all tied together with the smell of something… very fishy.  Literally. It smelt like fish. If you want to convince a demon to join your union, this isn’t it.

The sinner sputtered, “Wh- I- uh.”

“Yeah your uh- union, was it?” Crowley shoved the flier back into the now fumbling guy’s chest, “ ‘t’s not really a great fit for me.” He tilted his head to look behind TV worker guy, where Angel seems to be back. The porn star and Charlie were having a… argument? Or something. It looked really bad though.

Charlie sniffled, glanced over at Crowley, then started to rush out of the room with a sob.

“Well we could-”

He interrupted the sinner, “Well this has been great and all but I really need to be going.” He tried to gently extract himself from the situation, talking over the sinner’s protests.

“We could help-”

“Yes yes, get rights from my boss innit?”

“I mean yeah but-?”

“-My boss is kinda a big man just, whoo, someone you wouldn’t want to try to unionise against really,” The snake rambled as he rushed away to the door, “I mean this was fun, I hope you do well in your uh, union endeavours but I really need to be going.”

“Wait-!”

“Bye.”

“We’re not a-”

Crowley slammed the door in his face and gave out a shaking sigh. He glanced at the recording light. The green flicked to red in a moment. Ear twitching, the sound of soft sniffling seemed to be growing fainter. Charlie must be leaving the building.

He went to rush after her, but hesitated to glance back at the door. Angel Dust looked…. Scared. Angry, but scared.

Crowley quickly scowled again, to go back to running after Charlie. He shouldn’t get so caught up in this drama. Honestly sinner’s these days…

Charlie walked ahead of Crowley, eager to get back to the hotel. Crowley, however, dragged behind Charlie, legs heavy and head low. That was possibly the worst excursion yet. For Charlie but also for him. Who the fuck was that tv guy? What is up with sinners and unions recently? When they try that on Earth, it never ends well — why continue it down here? 

“Oh my gosh I messed everything up!” Charlie sobbed with her face in her hands, “Shit Angel is gonna be so mad at me for ruining his filming!”

“Uh, yea that was pretty awful but don’t… worry about it.. Char. That… film was ruined from the start,” Crowley replied, even if a bit monotone. He never knew how to comfort people properly, but it was clear Charlie was having a bad day.

“No Crowley, it’s not about the film! He got in trouble with his boss because of me! I was trying to-” Charlie paused at the entrance of the hotel, “I just hope he’s alright.”

Ah, that stuff. Crowley remembered the look on Angel Dust’s face; angry, agitated, scared. He never saw Angel Dust scared. Should that concern him?

Crowley placed a hand on Charlie’s shaking shoulder. “He had it pretty rough, but I’m sure he will smooth it out with his boss soon. Besides, he’s probably the best they got.” Probably. Down here at least. He opened the door to find an empty hotel, with only Husk manning the bar.

How… unusual… There was at least a straggler sitting on the couch, or Nitfy’s laughter accenting the air. But it was just, empty. He wanted to question it further, wonder where everyone went, but did he really care? 

Charlie let go of Crowley’s touch, falling onto the sofa and curling up into a ball instead. It was understandable for her, long night and everything. However, Crowley needed a drink now. He clicked his fingers in the direction of Husk, “Hey bartender, a whisky sour for me.” 

Husk did a slight grumble but got to work. Better than his usual customers who’d throw glasses in the bar. Crowley ambled his way to the bar, taking in the quiet atmosphere. Aziraphale would enjoy this. He wondered where he was for a moment… With a hotel so big he probably found his own quiet reading corne-

Knock, knock.

Hm? Husk and Crowley turned towards the door.

Knock, knock.

“Eugh, hecklers. Crowley, can you get rid of them?” Husk asked, averting his eyes from the door to Crowley’s drink.

“Yea ‘right give me a sec.” He stumbled out of his seat towards the door.

Knock, knock.

“Coming! Coming!” He yelled. “Impatient twats.”

He opened the door slightly.

No one.

He opened it more, letting it hang loose.

No one.

“Fuckin hell these sinners and heckling.” Crowley spat, leaning outside to find someone, anyone but to no avail. He took a single step out, checking the parameters once more in case he missed something.

“Damn.” He sighed. “Don’t worry Husk it’s no one-“

His vision blacked out, something itchy scratching his face. Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK. Usually, when getting kidnapped, he’d allow it to happen, go with the flow. But this was hell. And there’s some sick fucks in hell.

As soon as he had that thought though, something heavy collided with the back of his head. Then another, then another one.

And, the world was gone.

Husk stood at the bar impatient. How long did it take to deal with a few sinners? He sighed and wiped the bar as usual. Suddenly, he heard the faint yell of Crowley’s voice. “Don’t worry Husk it’s no one- MMPH“

Hm? Husk’s ears shot up. That did not sound good. He leapt over the counter into the main foyer, ears tracking the sounds outside. Muffling words, ruffled fabrics, whispers here and there. Shit. He wasn’t the biggest fan of Crowley but he was helpful. In his own way. And also he would be damned if something happened to Lucifer’s little assistant. He rushed towards the door, falling into the outside world. His eyes and ears darted everywhere for any sign of the tall, dark demon. 

“Shit,” He cursed.

Chapter Text

There was a fishy smell in the air. It was salty, and clammy and absolutely disgusting. It reminded Crowley of when they and Aziraphale went to the beach. Eugh, they can feel the sand clogging their shoes already. The wet, soggy, sand. Ponds and lakes were a much superior meeting spot in his opinion. There weren’t even any humans to judge at the beach! Only crazy, shirtless humans. So…. still technically humans.

What were they thinking about again? Oh right. The restraints digging into their arms.

To be fair they were just waking up from the worst nap they’ve ever taken. Zero out of ten, would not recommend. 

Crowley went to push his glasses up his nose, before remembering his arms were tied down. ‘Fuck my life..’ He thought. In any other situation Crowley would’ve just gone back to sleep. Sadly, they were in hell and hell is a fucking rotten place to be tied down in.

They blinked their eyes open and immediately got assaulted by fucking neon blue and pink. Disgusting. Let them leave. Immediately.

There was no one in the room, so Crowley let themselves crack their back (or at least tried to, with the best of their ability). Popping sounds bounced off the wall and back into his ears. Forked tongue flickered in and out of their mouth as they lazily looked around.

Glass walls showcased swimming sharks, blue landscapes and a dark beyond that. A long black table stretched out in front of them, with only three other chairs. “Wow, how ominous,” he muttered sarcastically. Their kidnappers are probably listening. If they weren’t that was just really fucking sad. For him, or for the kidnappers, he doesn’t know.

The silence stretched out for a few beats. It was really cold here actually. Like oddly cold. Super pristine cold. Very different from the pitchforks and flaming torches of outside hell. Where is outside anyways.

He straightened up, leaning forward as much as he could to peer at the great darkness. Is he underground or is the building just massive? If that’s the case, is the kidnapper rich? Ugh he should’ve paid more attention to demon politics. 

They tested whatever is holding them to the chair. It was tight but not unbreakable. His fingers snapped just as easily and their wrists immediately felt the biting cold air.

Standing up he attempted to crack his back again, gaining slightly more pops than before. Everything aches ugh. Sleeping on chairs is really only good if they’re in snake form. Or maybe sleeping on chairs is only good if they’re not tied down. 

‘That’s it. Fuckin’ sinners are inconveniencing me in more than one way today!’  He stared at the glass walls, then mentally corrected himself, ‘… tonight!’

Listen it was so dark in the glass tank that the glimpses through the techno sharks—-of all things—-made it look like night had fallen or.

‘There’s not even a night in hell so what’s the fucking point,’ Crowley thought. Then mentally slapped himself because of course there’s no night in hell, why did he even fucking bother.

So the glass tank is just exceptionally big then eh? ‘Wonder what would happen if I break it…’ They thought, slightly dragging their fingertips across the glass. It would be exceptionally easy, and it was getting kind of boring the longer their kidnappers aren’t here-

A door slammed open, “Well well well what have we- Crowley!?” 

Crowley turned around to the source of the voice. They tilted their head, silently looking at their kidnapper(?) up and down.

Oh it’s the uhhh, guy with the union. Yeah, that one. From Angel’s photoshoot. Honestly they pegged him as pretty pathetic but look at him now, kidnapping people and being a pain in Crowley’s ass.

“I uh, you’re meant to be in the chair I-” TV head must’ve mentally course corrected cause he straightened up and muttered, “-Of course you escaped! I mean, you are one of the most powerful demons in hell!” He slowly walked over to the chair at the opposite end of the table, sitting down quite smugly, “Despite me and the Vee’s of course. I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

“You’re not though,” Crowley pointed out.

“No actually, the Vee’s are pretty powerful, our influence spreads-”

Crowley waved him off, “No not that ngh- the demon bit. You’re not demons, you’re sinners, it’s a different thing. You should be more aware of that really. Massive difference.”

The TV guy didn’t look like he understood, “...rright.” His loss. “Well in any case, I would like to make you a deal.”

“Didn’t I already say no to your union?” They said, sliding into the chair on the opposite end of the table.

“We- we’re-” He spluttered, “We’re not a union! We don’t offer to get you away from shitty bosses we-” Blue screen smoothed out a bit, “-We control all of hell. Or we’re in the process of controlling all of hell. See we the Vee’s-”

The door slammed open again and Crowley raised an eyebrow at the newcomer. The outfit was…. Cute, they guess? Fashion isn’t really their specialty but the outfit looked like an odd, but nice, choice. 

“Vox what the fuck are you doing!” She shouted. “This,” She gestured vaguely at the room, “Wasn’t the plan!”

“Well I adjusted to some…. New variables.”

“Oh yeah? What new variables could fucking show up in the five minutes I let you out of my sight-”

Crowley snorted, and attention was brought back to him, “Real tight ship you got here… Vox.”

Bubblegum bitch rolled her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose, “Give us a few minutes. This idiot just doesn’t know when to quit.” She grabbed the back of Vox’s pristine collar, and dragged him out of the tank.

Vox exclaimed, “I ah-! Don’t move Crowley, I promise once we finish our proposal you will-” The door slammed shut.

Crowley deflated and leaned back in the chair, kicking both feet up onto the table. Listening to the click of their heels against wood. Weird, and he’s not going to give them a chance, but he’s curious what these sinners would try to come up with to… convince him to join their cause..

Charlie woke up in a pool of sweat and drool, her limbs were stiff and her head was screaming. She sat up from her resting place—since when did she fall asleep? Looking around, she was still at the hotel, laying on the couch with a thin blanket gently placed over her legs. 

Fuck that’s right! She just came back from Angel Dust’s work with Crowley! Angel Dust… Damn she truly made a mess back there. She needed to apologise- no that wasn’t enough. She needed to truly apologise, with all her heart about that situation.

“Maybe some sorry cards would do… No, not some, lots.” Charlie mumbled to herself, maybe Crowley can help with the apology.

Stretching out her aching legs, she got up from the couch in search of Crowley. They should be at the bar, he’s always fond of some whiskey. 

“Husk?’

A low growl came from the scruffy cat, hunched over the bar. It’s not unusual of him to be this grouchy (or annoyed) but… there’s something different about him this time. As if he was distressed about something.

“Are you okay Husk? Where’s Crowley?”  Charlie asks in a softer tone than usual. She didn’t want to upset more people tonight (if it was even still the same night).

Husk lifted his head from the bar, his face even more upsetting. “Oh yeah… about that.”

“W-what?” 

That’s just not right. That couldn’t happen! Charlie felt her eyes widen and mouth drop — how can someone do that? 

“I’m sorry Charlie, I should’ve acted faster. I know how much he means to your hotel's success.” Husk sighed, stumbling out of his seat and making his way behind the bar now, “I’m sure they’ll be fine. He’s a demon, he’s probably powerful enough to smite whatever enemies he has!”

Charlie wanted to feel at ease. I mean, it’s Crowley! He literally stopped Armageddon! He’s a powerful demon —- so why were her hands still shaking? 

‘If he’s so powerful why isn’t he back yet?’

Husk tossed a glass onto the bar in Charlie’s direction. She looked down in confusion, still standing with her hands trembling. Husk leaned over the bar and pushed the glass closer. 

“Please, take a drink. There’s not much we can do now.” He raised his own glass and took a sip. 

Charlie exhaled and finally took a seat, gently holding the pina colada in both hands. She couldn’t do much about the sinners in Hell and it frustrated her. She wanted this hotel to go really, really well but it seems all she’s done so far is hurt her friends in the process. Can she really do it? Would she just hurt more people along the way? 

She took a large gulp of her glass —- Husk was right. She needed a drink. Behind the counter, she could see he was still working dutifully despite the string of events that have happened so far. At least one of them was put together. 

…

No! She needs to get herself together too, for Angel Dust and Crowley. Right now, she can’t do much about Crowley’s situation but maybe, there’s something to do about Angel Dust. She finished her glass and hopped out of the bar towards the parlour. Husk jolted a bit in surprise from Charlie’s outburst.

“Uh? You good Charlie? Did I give you too much there?” Husk asked whilst slowly taking the empty glass. He examined the frantic demon rummaging around all the drawers and cupboards.

“Yup! All better now!” Charlie replied in her usual chipper voice. She heaved a stack of blank cards, pouring it onto the table. “Angel Dust still needs an apology from me so I can’t just sit around and do nothing ha! A few sorry cards will do the trick!”

She pulled out bunches of coloured pens and sharpies before starting to scribble brazenly all over the cards. From afar, Husk just stared alarmingly at her; he might’ve put too much in her drink. It was kinda good though, she can be distracted for a bit whilst they figure out where the fuck the snake is. But he didn’t account for another person that might be upset about this situation…

“Oh Charlie! Are you and Crowley back from your excursion?” A cheery voice asked.

Husk spat in his drink a little. Fuck. 

Aziraphale peered over Charlie’s cards, intrigued in her new project. He looked so serene and composed, as if he had just slept on a cloud. ‘This was going to be really hard telling him,’ Husk thought. Charlie was so immersed in her cards she didn’t even realise the angel was admiring her work. 

She took a double take. “Oh, oh! Aziraphale!” 

Her eyes dilated, startled. She also realised he doesn’t know yet. The angel looked merely confused at Charlie’s reaction, asking what’s wrong. She couldn’t find the words though; stammering her speech and fiddling with her pens. Shit.

Husk groaned and made his way to the parlour. He couldn’t let Charlie tell the story, he should do the tough bit. He got face to face with the angel — was he glowing more up close?? — asking him to take a seat. Aziraphale raised an eyebrow but sat down next to Charlie on the couch.

“Well you see Aziraphale. Unfortunately, earlier this evening, errr…” Husk tried to explain, avoiding the angel’s blazing stare. “Some sinners came by and took Crowley with them. Against his will.”

Aziraphale's expression was still blank. He turned his head to the side, looking up in a bit of confusion.  Fuck can’t this angel understand?

“Kidnapped! They were kidnapped right in front of me! Sorry I couldn’t do anything alright? I’m not sure how to find him though and I’m not sure how powerful those guys were. But… he’s gone. For now.” Husk let out a breath, he doesn’t know how to comfort or assure someone (let alone an angel? Do they need to be comforted sometimes?). He hoped Charlie could take over from here.

However, neither of them moved. She couldn’t decipher the angel’s thoughts either. After a minute of uncomfortable silence, Aziraphale shifted in his seat.

“Oh… ok well, thank you Husk, for telling me. I forgive you for not doing anything, it’s not your fault these sinners took Crowley,” He replied in a calm tone, getting up from his seat slowly. “I guess we’ll just wait and see when he pops in again!” 

The angel turned away, humming a little tune. Husk was in disbelief.

That’s… it?

“Are you not worried? He could be tortured or killed or worse. He could not come back!” Husk’s tone grew more and more infuriated by the minute. Yes of course he’s an angel, he’ll be positive about everything. But this was Hell! There’s nothing positive about what these fuckin sinners would do to each other; let alone a powerful demon in their hands. He just hoped the stupid angel would show more worry for his ‘friend’ (if that’s what they are). 

Aziraphale paused in his steps, glancing back at Husk. His face was down. His eyes seemed to be melancholic yet he still wore that bright smile. “Yes I must admit I’m a little worried but this isn’t the first time it happened.”

What? That stupid fuck got kidnapped on Earth too??

“There were times they would disappear for decades or centuries on end! I later found out most of the time he was asleep but sometimes, maybe he ran into some bad people or… oh I don’t know. Just his usual wily demon business I guess,” He giggled a little at the thought. He missed all those shenanigans his serpent got up to on Earth. Aziraphale looked back at Husk though. “Nonetheless, in the end, Crowley will be back at the bookshop. He’ll probably be back here in a jiffy!” He let out a nervous laugh, “Hopefully.”

Husk took a closer look at the poor angel to see him wringing his hands and sweat clinging onto his coat. He was in fact as nervous as the rest of them. It’s interesting to see how he hides himself though —- maybe he doesn’t trust us enough yet. Husk grunted whilst walking past him and went back behind the bar. Confused, Aziraphale turned around to see the cat mixing away. Eventually, Husk pushed onto the counter something small.

“Here. You seem like a sherry guy.” He averted his gaze in embarrassment. He’s not usually this soft but it seems everyone has had a rough night so far; a drink always helps.

Aziraphale gave him a blinding smile and Husk already regretted this.

Crowley raised a judgemental eyebrow at him and Vox felt like he wanted to cry. They’ve tried going through the benefits, the power, the influence, the contract deals, the benefits. But nothing seemed to sway the demon in front of him.

He and Vel have been running in and out of this room so many times trying to plan and re-plan (though it was mainly him doing all the planning. Which is fine, he can handle this). A lesser demon would’ve been swayed. A lesser demon wouldn’t even be here! 

Of course… of course! He should’ve expected this! The demon in front of him is powerful. They wouldn’t be swayed so easily. 

It’s fine. He’s got everything under control. Crowley is still here, despite it all. It must mean they’re considering his offer! It must mean the Vee’s just need to present one thing, one little piece of evidence that’ll make Crowley cave, join them,  and he will finally be able to beat Alastor back into hiding, and the Vee’s will be the most powerful Overlord’s in all of Hell! Even more than Hell with Crowley on their side!

“Ok, but why though.” 

Vox heard the distant sound of glass cracking. He breathed in deeply and steepled his hands in front of himself, “Well. As I have mentioned. We the Vee’s are the most powerful group in Hell. Joining us will give you power beyond imaginable.”

When he said that, he did notice the side-eye Velvette gave him, despite what she’s going to say later. It’s fine. He’s got this handled.

“Yeah but,” Crowley scratched at something inside their ear, “ ’s just that, power you know? Not really all that cracked up to be.”

Breath in, and out.

“Ok. Well, what do you want,” Vox said evenly, “I’m sure that whatever your heart desires, the Vee’s can help you with it.”

They tilted their head, the foot leaning on the table rocking back and forth, “What I want?” 

The question hung in the air for a moment as Crowley thought it over with a blank face. This, this is where they’ll agree to join the Vee’s, Vox can feel it.

It almost felt tense for a few moments as Crowley cycled through a range of different facial expressions…. Confusion, genuine thought, embarrassment, awkwardness….  All that was gone in a moment as they relaxed back into the chair.

“Ehh, don’t want anything at the moment,” They said.

There! Vox was so fucking close he can feel it. That was the first time Crowley showed an emotion other than boredom. Something Crowley wants, something they want… Ugh what would a demon like Crowley want!? They can snap their fingers and stuff can just appear! 

Money? No. Influence? No, they probably would’ve capitalised on the ‘apocalypse’ thing by now. Power? No, they already have that. Clothes? No, they just wear the same things every time Vox see’s them!

“Lucifer,” Velvette spoke up eventually. Crowley looked intrigued so she leaned forward on the table. “Listen bitch we may have a lot of power. But that guy? Well he doesn’t appear very often, but he does control Hell.”

Crowley frowned, “What are you saying?”

“The King of Hell controls it, and if you control Hell you basically control what backwater fuck up place we live in,” She smirked, “I can see it in you snake bitch. You don’t like this place as much as the next poor soul. So, we join forces.. Overthrow the King. Together.”

“I think that’s enough cards now Charlie. I’m sure Angel Dust will really appreciate it!” Aziraphale sat on the couch behind Charlie, examining her great artistry sprawled across the table. She created at least 20 cards and redid 12 of them — it is a surprise her hands haven’t started to cramp yet from all the writing.

Charlie pondered over his comment, staring at all her hard work. “Mmmm, I think I can do one more.”

Aziraphale gave a small smile whilst she grabbed another card from the stack. He couldn’t get through to her but that’s ok —- at least one person down here is this caring and sweet. I mean, all the guests are but it seems Charlie had the most passion when it comes to caring for other people. 

She would make a great angel, he thought.

Lost in their work, neither have realised another demon looming over them.

“Hmmmm, and what’s gotten everyone in such a tizzy over here?” Alastor said.

“Oh hi Alastor! Just some cards for Angel Dust. Err- where have you been?” Charlie asked, she furrowed her eyebrows at the demon next to her.

“Why, just a stroll around the neighbourhood of course!” Alastor replied, “Cannibal town can be quite lovely around this time of year!”

He started motioning his way to Husk’s bar for some refreshments (and tormenting the pussy cat) when he noticed Charlie’s companion next to her looking a little glum. Hmmm, interesting. The angel looks more wary than usual — as if something troubling has happened here. He may have a clue what it could be though…

“Say Aziraphale! Where’s that demon of yours? Thought Charlie and him had a little excursion~”

The angel jolted a little at that comment. Intriguing… This angel really wears his heart on his sleeve sometimes, it’s quite a debilitating weakness in Hell but one Alastor would gladly take advantage of. In any case, he believes the hotel itself is worried for their — what does Aziraphale call him? Their wily serpent.

“Ahhhh- Well I may have some idea of where he could be.” Alastor confessed. 

Charlie shot up from her seat. “You do!?”

“Really?” Aziraphale’s eyes widened, intrigued. The radio demon chuckled at their reactions —- such foolish angels. 

“I believe I saw a truck with the Vee’s logo drive past this area on my way back,” Alastor grinned, “I thought nothing of it, until you mentioned that the serpent was missing. Now it could be anyone really but-”

Aziraphale stood up abruptly, “I will be right back.” 

“Uh wait Aziraphale!” Charlie tried to reach out to him but stumbled to the floor. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to go there alone?! Especially since Crowley and I… er may have not represented the hotel in the best way or well I think they probably haven’t-”

“Charlie.” Alastor interrupted, “If the little angel thinks he can handle it let him run off!”

“Yes he’s probably capable but…” She looked towards the angel himself. He’s capable. Definitely capable. Yet there was a knot in her stomach. Aziraphale noticed this and stopped in front of the hotel entrance. He turned around slowly, softly gazing at her. 

“Oh Charlie, I think I’ll be fine by myself! I’ll just go pick up Crowley now alright?” He gave Charlie a warm smile before shutting the door behind him.

Charlie sighed before sitting properly next to the table again. I guess it can’t be helped if an angel wants to help.

“Well personally, I think that’s the most interesting thing television can ever get,” Alastor chimed in, before side-glancing what was on the table, “Oh dear, why are there so many cards on the table?”

She opened her mouth to say something when suddenly the door clicked open again.

“Whoops! Forgot something!” Aziraphale announced whilst taking something long from the umbrella rack (has there always been an umbrella rack??) besides the entrance.

“IS THAT A FLAMIN-”

“Overthrow Lucifer?” Crowley mumbled, “That’s. Pfft, pretty high bar huh.” They threw their head back and stared at the ceiling of the empty room.

This little union is a lot more ambitious than they thought. Yeah unions are meant to help get more rights as workers but at the same time… removing the boss. And why are they so insistent that Crowley joins??

‘Didn’t help they started singing afterwards,’ Crowley’s eyes flickered to look around the room again, ‘Should I just leave? This whole thing is getting boring really.’

Their head turned back to the door that led inside, ‘Would probably be very easy.’

They hemm'ed and haugh’ed over that for a bit. Should Lucifer know about this union? Crowley should probably call their boss about this right? Agh but their phone is back at the hotel. And they’re not really bothered to snap it all the way here and make a phone call…

Well a lot of things can be used as a phone if you’re creative enough. The Nox fellow or whatever probably has one around. He’s a bloody TV! He should have a phone or two. Would be a huge favour after making Crowley listen to all his company speeches.

Ugh actually how many more company speeches do they have to sit through. ‘Reminder you don’t actually have to sit through this, and really you only sat through this because you were curious,’ Crowley thought, ‘Well, I’m not curious anymore. This whole sales pitch really is drawn out.’

They threw their head back again to stare at the ceiling. 

‘I wanna take a nap.’

The quiet taps of footsteps were heard behind the doors. There was a silent pause before the door was thrown open, the bubblegum lady leading for once. “Right! Have you made your decision, or are we going to have to do this the hard way?”

This was the easy way?

“Yeah, I’m not- going to join your union,” Crowley said.

Blue exploded, “You- I- I have literally said this! We are not a union!!”

“Yeah, well sounds like it!” Crowley argued, listing off the “reasons to join” on their fingers, “Gain power, get a better wage—or any wage at all—-, have a say in things, get a different boss. s’ just all what you said really, a union.”

Vel snickered at that and her friend scowled at her. She shrugged, “They are right, despite being a prick.”

“See? Even your— what, partner, co-manager?—-agree’s with me,” They said triumphantly, “Actions speak louder than words or whatever they say.”

The door exploded in a blaze of fire and light. ‘Finally something interesting…’

The white light was nearly blinding in the dark blue of the room. A fiery sword held aloft in hand. His hair was wispy and a gorgeous sight to see after these hours of inane torture- If this was any other place than Hell, Crowley might’ve expected to squint and see eyeballs floating around an unknowable body. In any case, it was just their angel in shining tartan.

“Crowley!” 

“Shit!” They heard a resounding sound of curses. Static made the hair on the back of their neck rise as TV guy crackled with electricity and co-union girl held out her hands in front of her. The other two were obviously tense but honestly Crowley was just glad angel came here to pick them up so they didn’t have to go through the awkward process of leaving the (forced) meeting themselves.

Fire arced through the air and Aziraphale was at Crowley's side in an instant, fussing over them, “Oh blast this accursed place, I would’ve come to pick you up sooner but oh- my powers is only so much in your domain.”

“What the- how did you!?” Vel spluttered at where Aziraphale once was, whipping her head around to see the angel standing next to Crowley. A little white feather floated down from her hair.

“ ‘s really alright angel,” Crowley said from in between Aziraphale’s hands on their cheeks. Batting his hands away from their face as they went to stand up, “Sinners can’t do anything to me anyways.”

A crackle of electricity and their angel easily ducked out of the way, staring at the source of the blast. Nox’s eyes were wide under furrowed eyebrows, his face contorted into a confused scowl, “I- you’re working with angel’s?”

Crowley frowned, “I’m, not working with angels. You’re like what? Retired?”

Aziraphale waved his hand, “Er, more like, forced indefinite leave?”

“Yeah I don’t know how you haven’t fallen yet,” They said, cracking their back, “Wanna go?”

“Oh Crowley- If I haven’t fallen, well I think that just means I still have a duty to spread goodness,” Angel smoothed out his waistcoat with one hand, “But yes I think that’s for the bes-”

Pink hair put a hand to her forehead, “Holy shit you’re so pretentious, and old, where did you get your trenchcoat, the seventeen-hundreds?”

Aziraphale bristled, “Well actually I got this from-”

“Come on!?” TV head finally said, “You’re- you’re so powerful- and you two just- go around and what? Not do anything? You can do so much, you can overthrow Hell if you wanted to and yet you act so-” He trailed off, at a loss for words, “You really don’t want anything do you?”

Crowley chewed at the inside of their cheek and stared at Aziraphale behind their glasses. No, they don’t want anything do they? Well, not anything they know of at least.

It really shows how small minded sinners can be, thinking Crowley of all people could overthrow Beelzebub, or even Lucifer. Most of their abilities that they’ve used are parlor tricks really, they’re just more powerful in Hell, but all other demons are as well so it balances out. Crowley’s just smart and good at stealing other people’s credit. 

‘And messing with plans,’ They quietly tacked on.

“Crowley I really do think we should be going, you know Charlie, the others and I have been worried sick about you,” Aziraphale grabbed Crowley’s hand, his flaming sword flickering brightly in his other hand.

“Mmh, okay angel,” They said, turning away from the not-union worker and staring at Aziraphale. His eyes were so blue, swirling with all that ‘holy empathy’ he has. They don’t know why he’s looking at Crowley like that.

They heard the distant footsteps running down the hall, and a raging fire in the background.

“Wait-!”

And they were gone in a snap.