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Most would describe the morning as a fresh start, a time to shrug off the troubles and problems, and stresses of days prior. Certainly, the chirping of birds is music to any lucky enough to hear it. Springtime hues saturate the world, filling it with colour and joy. Still, despite the new day bringing with it a new opportunities and chances, Stelle can’t help but sigh at the realisation she is now lucid.
With her waking mind slowly coming into focus, her thoughts organise themselves as best as they can, forming the groundwork of her mind. With thoughts, comes her staple – as of late – melancholic demeanour, as memory finds it’s footing alongside clear thought. Lately her mind finds itself an hourglass, constantly aware of the grains running though it’s capacity, overly conscious of each passing second.
Each new day’s worth of time holds different truths and meanings to everyone who perceives it. Students see another day of school ahead, white collar workers see another 9-5. Depending on sleep, one might get more or less time in their day.
Not everyone gets the same amount of time. Not everyone must make the most out of every single moment. Not even those who deserve it, who must make the most out of every passing fit of laughter, and bite of their favourite foods.
People who brighten their surroundings, that give love and life to their circle, and ask for nothing in return often burn their lives to the quick before they get a chance to live it themselves.
Stelle had recently had the pleasure of meeting such a person. The woman that burst into her life and helped her see colours she never had before, the sight of her never leaves her mind. Really, Stelle burst into her life, intervening in a situation that seemed to spell disaster for all, jumping in-between her and a group of goons hassling her without so much as a thought to the consequences.
All went well, in the end, and as reward she was granted a sight that stained her mind, that she didn’t even want to remedy. The gentle smile that painted her face, her pink lips that curled upwards in calm and comfortable joy, the way her eyes seemed to glow brighter than before as her cheeks pushed up against her bottom eyelids. Without question the view had captured her well and truly, with but one display, and one glance.
Firefly. True to her namesake and the creature she was named after, glowed. She glowed in such a way that did away with any shadow or darkness lingering in Stelle.
Their meeting was chance, driven by Stelle’s lack of thoughts. Not just any would put themselves in a conflict without hesitation. She would always do her best to protect a pretty young lady! She said as much, too, earning the maiden’s curious eye. And, after her rescuing, her laughter.
Her laugh made Stelle lightheaded, red in the cheeks, threw her for a loop unlike anything before. Maybe it was only then she realised how glad she was to have been herself that day. A foolish someone, definitely, to interject, but one who brought the two together.
It was her words and actions that drew Firefly’s curiosity initially, and soon thereafter her intrigue. That day, and the heart-pounding feeling of Firefly’s soft, dainty hands clinging to Stelle’s shoulders for dear life, cowering behind her as shelter from the aggressors... They were all things that would be permanently etched into her mind. Every detail, down to the aggressive man’s crooked tooth.
She’s... cute. Really, really cute. Oh, dear. Her silver hair reflects the blinding festive lights of the boulevard. Rosy reds and vibrant violets shine off of her. She looks like a painting. Beautiful...
Everything was made so much better when that girl spoke to her, wanted to thank her for her help. Everything felt well in the world when one thing led to another, and a friendship formed between the two.
‘How I wish I could go back to those days...’ she wished to herself.
A knock at the door draws her gaze, which had been staring at the ceiling, lacking the energy to do anything. She lays splayed out across her bed, blankets and pillows strewn about like a storm had blown though. The storm was her restless sleep, and now she paid the price.
“Hey, Stelle? Are you awake?”
“Yeah.” her voice made herself cringe internally. She had been doing her best to put on a neutral voice, as she had been the past few weeks, but it had completely betrayed her. A grimace crosses her face. Or, maybe it had been there all along.
March opens the door cautiously, poking her head in slowly, glancing at the bed with a gentle eye as to not startle her. She grins at the grey girl. “Hey, there.”
Stelle does her best to return a smile, just as she should, as the happy girl deserves. “Hi March.” she says, more flat than before.
“Hey. Just, ah... you mentioned yesterday about needing a ride. Something about... being told if someone could give you a lift? I’m free, so...” she said with a confused undertone as she struggled to remember what had been said.
Stelle does her usual thing of staring blankly at the intruder to her silence. Her bottom lip hung alongside her jaw, giving her the air of someone who had entirely ignored what had been said.
“Stelle?” It was only at her follow up calling of her name that Stelle felt a surge of energy through her joints. Her limbs raised by a force that barely felt like her own exertion. She barely felt her body moving, like watching an actor play the role of yourself.
“Yeah. I’m coming. I’ll get ready.” she supplied, unable to make eye contact.
“Take your time!” March offered. Safe to say, she would need time to prepare for what came. She would need time to drag herself to her wardrobe, or more likely the pile of (clean!) clothes on the floor. She would need time to gather her energy, to go about her day like any normal person.
But, she didn’t dare give herself that privilege. Stelle flew around her room like bat out of hell, picking any odd piece of clothing, flinging herself around in lieu of any real motivation to move. She didn’t stop for even a moment, knowing that the instant she sat down, she wouldn’t rise again.
She emerged from the room wearing clothes that were pointedly... Stelle, for lack of better explanation. A messy sense of style, favouring clothes that were comfortable over stylish. A dark colour scheme, her usual greys and whites. It was undoubtably her, to give her credit.
March smiled at her warmly, like always. She slid a cup of coffee over the table to her friend, knowing full well how bad of a morning person she was. Strangely enough, it wasn’t taken, not even sipped.
But, that was only natural as of late. Stelle looked presentable. Appealing, even, to those who enjoyed her... eccentricities. But March had been her friend since college, she knew her friend. She saw with one look the rings under her eyes, the dark lines that accented and stuck out above her cheeks. Such a carefree girl, plagued by... everything going on. It squeezed her heart something fierce. Oh, how she truly wished she could help.
“Well... Ready to go, then?” she asked her friend.
“Mhm.” Was Stelle’s only reply.
The car – much like Stelle’s clothing – was very, very obviously March’s. Her exaggeratedly feminine proclivities pervaded the interior. Pink decorations, a hanging car freshener a smell only she could love, deathly sweet to anyone else.
March attempted civil and pointless conversation to pass time, but it was pointless. It felt like life itself would pass through Stelle at a time like this. She felt hollow, more in the sense of being like a ghost than simply empty. Nothing phased her. Nothing roused her. It was like she wasn’t even there the majority of the time.
‘Well, considering...’ March thought to herself.
She couldn’t blame her, not in a hundred years.
For her part, Stelle was only reminded of one thing because of the rumbling of the car against the road. What else but yet another time with Firefly?
She leaned on Stelle’s taller, well toned frame. She barely felt it. Firefly was almost weightless. Thin, soft, pale. Too pale, almost worryingly. She promised it wasn’t anything serious. Softly the two conversed – low in volume so they couldn’t be overheard, and wouldn’t bother any who wanted for some quiet after the concert.
They met in Penacony, the land of dreams! As their friendship – perhaps more – flourished, the two agreed it would be a crime to not make use of their surroundings. Pooling their collective tastes they picked out a concert for the two to attend. Robin, naturally, she was the biggest star, the talk of the town.
As it turned out, it was a show none would miss! Those who did would surely be kicking themselves, having missed a spectacle of a lifetime. Firefly had lit up during the event. She raised her hands and cheered louder than Stelle had heard her before. She strained her small height to reach up higher, the pulled at her voice to make herself heard. She was desperate to make a mark on the world that night, she struggled to make herself heard, known.
But she had. Maybe only Stelle paid any mind to her, maybe only Stelle saw that little girl for who she was. That was enough. It had to be, for both. For the girl who felt as Nameless in life as she was in career. For the girl who felt so transient a strong wind would blow her away.
Their eyes spoke wordless infinities to each other. It would seem their mutual yearning for the other’s company was just that – mutual.
Firefly had once again smiled her signature smile, laughed the same laugh as always, and solidified her place in Stelle’s heart.
So quickly, so easily... was she just that easy? She wondered these few things to herself as the train rattled. A shake in the carriage shook the silver-haired girl from her position against her shoulder, threatening to tip her over. Lightning fast reflexes kicked into motion as Stelle’s arm shot out to catch her before she could, cradling the tiny form against hers once again.
They shared another look. “Thank you.” Firefly said with tinted cheeks, avoiding eye contact.
“Of course.” Was Stelle’s monotonous reply. Despite hearing such a dead, muted voice, the girl giggled into Stelle’s body. To her, Stelle’s voice was like honey, a thick, sweet substance that coated her ears even though it’s neutral , vaguely gravelly tone.
Stelle closed her eyes, breathing in sharpy, praying to any Aeon above that the sickeningly ‘candy’ stench of March’s car would rid her of her memories. It wasn’t that simple, it could never be.
Recollection clung to her mind like remora, latching on to every thought, every emotion. Each passing moment carried a new feeling, and with it, a reminder of times with her. Times they were happy, or sad. Especially times where they were nothing but together.
Those were the best times.
The kathunk of a door shutting shuffles her back to reality once again. She looks over to see March with her hand firmly grasping the handle of her door, having opened and shut it.
“I was... gonna go in but, you know... thought I should ask first. Do you want me to come in?” she asked with no shortage of concern and worry crossing her brows. She was a sweet girl, to have a second thought like that.
Stelle looked down to her lap, contemplating. March wasn’t someone she considered unpleasant to have around, nor would she be overstepping her bounds – they were best friends. She wouldn’t be a problem, either. Despite that...
“Nah. You can go do anything you need to do. I’ll be hanging around a while.” Stelle said as she studied her pants. She never noticed just how loose some parts of the stitching are, this close to ripping.
March noticed her avoidance of eye contact, just like that same morning, and her brows turned towards more plainly than before. She got the message loud and clear, even if it hadn’t been one she wanted to hear.
She reached over, placing a hand on the legs Stelle was so fascinated with. Her eyes darted to her hand as soon as it entered her view, trailing all the way up her arm to March’s grinning face.
“Take your time.” she said. Of course she had March’s support. It helped, about as much as anything could help.
She drove off, leaving Stelle standing alone in the parking lot as the fresh air blessed her nose with the smell of nature. Spring has never felt so lifeless to her. With a noiseless sigh, she turned on her heels, whipping her mane of hair around as she does so, eyes taking in the big red letters spelled out in front of her.
PENACONY GENERAL HOSPITAL.
Her shoes clopped against the marble flooring, announcing her entrance to everyone in the lobby. The sound was jarring, interrupting the solemn sad air, but none turned their heads. They must be all too deep in their own depressions, she figured. Just like she has been.
Spying that the reception is free, she takes her chance, walking up to the desk, resting her arm on the similarly-white marble bench. The nurse that attended the computer in front of her clacked away on a keyboard with practiced speed, far beyond anything Stelle could manage. It was impressive, actually, she had trouble even following the blinding speed of her fingers.
Her hair was similar to Stelle’s a darker cooler shade than some of the other figures around. Hers, however, was more of a deep blue than a light grey. She found her eyes unfocusing in the sea of her hair, waiting for her to be free to speak.
“Sorry for the wait,” The nurse said, turning her eyes away from the monitor in front of her, up to Stelle’s face. “How can I help- oh, it’s you, hm?”
The odd greeting stuck out to Stelle. Was she... recognised? "...Huh?” her response carried her usual lack of understanding, drawing her mind from her thoughts for what felt like the first time in weeks.
The nurse – Natasha, says her nametag – giggled softly, raising a flat palm. ”Sorry, sorry. That just slipped out. I’ve been seeing you coming and going a lot.”
Ah, so it had been recognition. It’s unsurprising, the nurse has it spot on. The break doesn’t last long.
“...Visitation, please.” The nurse’s eyes turn quizzical at this. They look her up and down, evaluating her. She murmurs a soft apology for her attempt at levity, barely registered by Stelle’s ears.
“Name of patient?”
“Firefly.” Her voice hitches, catching on invisible emotions in the back of her throat when the word leaves her mouth.
Firefly.
“Firefly.”
“Yes, Stelle?” she turns around, hair whipping in in the wind. Her two-tone eyes that seem to reflect the stars look up at her. She looks up because she is noticeably shorter, needing to crane her neck upwards to make direct eye contact. She always did, and held no complaints. Stelle thought it might get annoying after some time of looking up. Not that she was particularly bothered, mind.
She has words she wants to say, things she’s been thinking about for... an embarrassingly long time. Multiple nights in a row spend nigh-sleepless with naught but this on the mind, she was paying for that now. Her hands were stuffed in her jacket’s pockets, but still they shook like the worst winter breeze had crept inside the warm holes.
She thought that, maybe, the lack of space would help her shaking... a plan resulting in very evident failure. If she noticed, Firefly didn’t mention it.
“Well, well? What’s up?” she asked. She bounced from one foot to another, almost hopping around. Excitement prominently displayed on her face and in her motions.
“I don’t think I can say now...” Stelle admitted, nerves having gotten the best of her in the face of such an impossibly adorable girl.
“Whaaat? No, no way! You have to tell me! You can’t just... start something and then stop. That’s not allowed.” she complained, playing up her annoyance and frustration in mock anger.
“Not allowed?” Stelle teased, playing with her choice of words. “Says who?” she grinned down at the girl, whose cheeks puffed out in a pout, and brows tilted downwards. She looked like a cartoon character’s ‘angry expression.’ V shaped brows, round cheeks, red face, the works. It was comical enough to widen Stelle’s grin, bringing out a real smile.
She turned her face to hide the joy, but Firefly followed her face as it turned, hovering around Stelle’s form and forcing her to look at her in the face.
“I do! I say. I said so. So you have to.” Stelle visibly flinched at the words. Firefly knew very well how obedient Stelle was when the cards were on the table, and she was even using that to her advantage. How tricky of her.
Her eyes seemed closer than ever as she planted herself square in the middle of Stelle’s vision. Stelle found herself lost in her eyes. They were like a sunrise. That time of morning where dusk still hangs in the sky, but the sun peeks over the horizon, casting an amber glow on the stars in the sky. It wasn’t the first time she found herself-
“Staring again?” she teased the taller girl, grinning at Stelle’s painfully obvious yearning.
“Please go out with me.” says, quickly and simply, no time spared for fanfare or mood setting. “I love you. Um, by the way, if that wasn’t obvious...”
The words spill out of her mouth, her mouth hang for a moment too long and her feelings slipped out. As they do, Stelle – for the first time since calling out to her crush – feels her heartbeat. It smashes against the walls of her chest, hammering away so strongly that she feels herself shaking. Maybe that’s just the nerves. It’s very hard to tell, with such a cute girl looking up at her.
Said cute girl wears a shocked expression. Colour floods her face – contrary to what usually accompanies such an expression – as her eyes widen in recognition. She just now understands exactly what she was wringing out of Stelle. A confession. A confession, of all things?!
Oh, be still her heart...
A world-class smile erupts onto Firefly’s lips as she jumps into Stelle’s arms. She lets herself fall, having full faith. Stelle panics for a moment, but catches her with little effort, holding up the incredibly light girl with no trouble.
“God, you took wayyy too long!”
“You- you knew?”
“You were so obvious. Even your roommate knew.”
“March!? She told you? Or, did you tell-”
Her words were cut off by small, soft lips. It was her turn, now, to be stunned into silence. Her mind raced, and celebrated, and struggled all in the same moment.
The kiss was broken off far too soon, leaving her wanting more, wanting a proper kiss. Soon after they separated, and Stelle was able to look into her eyes, everything fell into place. It all just... made sense.
“Too soon?” she apprehensively asked, red cheeks giving away her embarrassment at the potential blunder. It only served to fuel Stelle’s want, always a fan of how her pale cheeks ran red.
Stelle’s hand rose to Firefly’s cheek, caressing it, holding it gently. She held the tiny girl as if she were a rodent, or some other skittish kind of animal. The touch was gentle, impossibly so, for someone so rough and unkempt as Stelle. She wasted no affection, wanting Firefly to feel nothing but her love in this moment.
She tugged on Firefly as she leaned down at the same time, bringing the two’s lips together once again, properly this time. She reciprocated as much as she gave. It was... otherworldly. The warmth they shared was punctuated with the sweet sound of lips smacking. It felt indulgent, like candy.
“The first of many.” She told the girl, who smiled in response.
“I love you.” she said back, agreeing.
It was the first of many indeed, but not enough. Could it ever be? Perhaps, it could, if this moment lasted forever.
But, it didn’t.
“Oh, oh dear, are you okay?” the nurse seemed worried, she winced as she asked the question, leaning forward slightly as she raised a hand.
Stelle felt wetness on her cheek. A violent streak of pain ran down, leaving tingling, burning sensations in it’s wake. Her breath was uncharacteristically shaky, uneven, scared. She hadn’t even noticed... but it had pulled her from her memory.
She nodded quickly, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hands, sniffling, and swallowing deeply during the motion, so she isn’t seen as much. She feels bad for making this about her, even now, in front of everyone else in the room. She feels guilty for even her grief.
“I’m sorry...” she apologised as if there were need to. She felt like there was.
She nurse offered a tissue gingerly, which was accepted promptly. “It’s okay.” she said softly. “It’ll be alright, everything will be, I promise.” the voice sounds maternal, comforting. Maybe she can believe it.
It begs the question, however... Did she mean Firefly would be okay, or Stelle? And, which was a scarier prospect?
She quickly departed the situation, fearing others’ gazes. She knew, in the back of her mind, that she knew no one here, and didn’t need to fear judgement. Everyone was there for the same purpose, at the very least understanding why another would be there. She was among kindred spirits. But still, it felt... exposing.
Her shoes crashed against the flooring harder than before as she carried herself down the halls with haste. The nurse had excused her, given her the room number – as if she hadn’t already known. She feels that it’s an unforgettable number to her, now.
Finally, the door stands looming in front of her, like an unpassable threshold. Every time she arrives, she is terrified to open the door. Scared to her very core. Stelle is no stranger to bad thoughts. In fact, she is experienced with them, even. Her years had been plagued with issues of identity, of fearing for her future, of loneliness. They had hung over her like clouds for years.
Her friendship in March especially, Himeko, Dan Heng, Welt, and everyone else she met... they helped immensely. Unimaginably. Still, though, none held a candle to Firefly. She had shone like a miracle lighthouse, had cut away every dark cloud hanging over her.
So, she owes it to that girl to push past these clouds.
She grips the handle slowly, her fingers coiling around it painfully tight. She wills fear out of her heart and mind, forces optimism. It doesn’t come, but it’s the thought that counts. She fears all the same, it’s unavoidable.
The door opens, and...
A sweet breeze. The window was left open, so, it’s only natural. Stelle would have to thank her girlfriend for that idea later.
Speaking of, Firefly slept soundly under the sheets – as white and ethereal as she is. Her chest expands and contracts as she takes deep, slow breaths. For such a little girl, she sleeps so much. Is that how she has so much energy, so much care for others?
The mid-morning sun filters through the blinds, casting spring’s collage of colours across the room, across her love. She room smells of, looks of life. Birds chirping outside battle with the tv that remained on overnight. The two had fallen asleep watching some show or other... it hardly mattered.
The girl let out a curt groan as she stirred under the intense rays of the sun, muted by the blinds though they may be.
“Morning.” Stelle says softly down to her, running a gentle hand through her hair as she woke up. Firefly turns into it like a cat appreciating a pet.
“Morning...” the mumbled response brings a grin to Stelle’s face. “You’re here... right when I wake up. Hehe... it’s fate.”
“Mhm.” is her nonchalant response, continuing to run her fingers through the silver locks.
Her sleepy, half closed eyes make an attempt to look up at Stelle, who sits on the edge of the bed, supporting herself with one arm. Firefly’s eye runs along it’s length – appreciating the toned contours – until she reaches Stelle’s eyes.
She reaches up, a gesture for Stelle to come closer. They meet in the middle, a brief chaste kiss being shared between the two.
From behind a smile, Firefly greets her girlfriend. “Hi.”
“Hello.” is the smiled response back at her.
Stelle joins her in bed, laying beside her, as the shorter girl nuzzled against her, nestling up against her.
Why is it that every time she comes to visit, she is plagued by happier times? And, why is it that she feels ‘plagued’ by happier times?
Firefly’s weak form rested in the hospital bed, surrounded by monitors. An IV drip fed into her arm, a bandage rested around her wrist where a blood sample had no doubt been procured from.
The consistent beeping threatened to drive Stelle insane, but she braved it. She had to.
She opening of the hospital door was a stark contrast to the clinical sounds of the room, prompting a response from the slumbering girl. Her eyes fluttered weakly, slowly, dissonantly.
Stelle crossed the room, sitting in the chair that was placed beside her bed. It had been placed there weeks ago by Stelle’s own hand, and not moved an inch since. She wanted to be as close as possible at all times.
The act of sitting felt laborious, intensive. It hits her all at once her lack of energy, and her legs give out as she almost makes contact with the chair, falling into it rather than sitting.
She waits with bated breath, giving the frail girl as much time as she needs to rouse herself. She seems paler today.
Her eyes don’t glow with the same lustre they once did. Nevertheless, they hold the stars above in them, a sight Stelle gets lost in even now. Despite everything, she smiles.
“Hi...” she weakly greets.
“Hey.” Stelle replies, tears in her eyes. “It’s... good to see you.”
“You’re here every day...” she begins
Stelle cuts her off. “Of course I am.” She puts a hand over Firefly’s own, letting her warmth flow into it. “Of course I am.”
They share a conversation with their eyes, the girl being too tired and weak to give her usual life, too slow to be herself. It must be agonising.
Entropy Loss Syndrome. So rare, that there’s no cure. A miracle, maybe. Hope is always held out for one. A specialist hospital was considered in the beginning, but there would be no difference.
Her emotions roll out in droves, flooding her mind, and body. Tears flow freely, for the first time in a while. She finally feels safe, in company she knows she can be herself around.
Firefly just smiles at the sight, turning her hand over to take Stelle’s in her own, interlocking their fingers. Her fingers feel weak, and more transient than ever.
“You’ll be okay.” she says.
But that’s not enough.
She needs to be okay, too. What point is there, without her.
To Stelle, she was the stars themselves. She wonders, for just a moment, if it was her love that fueled Firefly's soul that burnt her to the quick so soon?