Work Text:
The old, creaking wood boards of the patio felt cold under his bare feet when Ed stepped out of their inn. Crisp air filled his lungs with every breath he took and he wrapped the soft fabric of the gray knitted jacket he was wearing tighter around his shoulders. The clouds covering the sky were hanging low and they looked heavy like they were just minutes away from making the world drown in the rain they were carrying. It wasn’t dark anymore, but there also wasn’t any warm sunshine touching Edward’s skin.
He liked the gloomy atmosphere of the twilight during the early morning hours; before the world woke up and got too real. Silently, Edward closed the door, trying not to wake Stede who had still been slumbering in their bed, curled up under a blanket that was too scratchy. At least in Stede’s opinion. Edward had promised him they would make sure to buy better blankets. Softer ones.
The nightmare that had made him wake up too early was still filling Edward’s chest with anxiety when he slowly walked down the wooden steps. The creaking under his weight reminded him again that he wanted to renew the whole patio before they would open up the inn. Even after almost a month of them living in this place together, there was still so much work to do. Working with his hands - building, renovating, planning - has felt really good. Edward liked doing manual labor and even though he and Stede sometimes didn’t have the same opinion about things, they always just worked things out by talking about it. There was the mandatory fight every now and then - that was a normal thing between couples, right? - but most of the time? They were a great team. And fuck, that felt good.
But being head over heels in love with his boyfriend didn’t change the fact that Edward was still suffering. Not always, not every day, but still… he sighed and walked down the small sand dune in front of their building, the grass feeling weirdly rough on the naked skin of his feet. It was grounding, in a way.
Following the quiet sound of the ocean waves, Ed made his way down to the beach. He tried to avoid it, but his gaze flickered over to Izzy’s grave for a second nonetheless, leaving his chest feeling too tight. A cool morning breeze caressed his cheeks when he stepped onto the soft sand, leaving footprints behind while he came closer to the shore. Warm water covered his feet a moment later and Ed stopped in his tracks, dark eyes wandering over the gray and cloudy horizon. He knew that he wouldn’t find answers out in the salty, rough water of the sea, but feeling it on his skin, being close to the ocean always made him feel calmer. Living on the land again was fine - more than just fine, actually - but still, Edward loved the sea. He was really glad their inn was so close to the ocean. Parts of Edward’s heart would always be out there and relive all the good and the bad things that had happened to him.
Another sigh escaped his lips and he closed his eyes, concentrating on the breeze that made his hair dance and brush against his neck, his cheeks, his forehead. The nightmare was still there, deep inside of him, and he couldn’t even remember all of it. There were only fragments of it, pieces like those of a broken mirror. Izzy, covered in blood. A thunderstorm. A broken steering wheel. And, to top it all off, Stede’s desperate voice calling out for him like the heart wrenching song sung by a lonely heart filled with grief and loss.
It felt like all of those horrible things he had done had happened a lifetime ago - or yesterday, there was no inbetween. The pictures of people screaming in terror, of his crew, his family, almost dying, were haunting him and it felt like he’d never be able to escape them. And maybe, that was his punishment for hurting the people he loved. The people that loved him.
When Ed opened his eyes again, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling and that made him chuckle quietly at himself. It was a dry sound without any amusement in it, and it made his throat hurt a little. He was pathetic. Izzy was dead and he had traumatized his crew so much they had been forced to try to kill him just to protect their own lives. This had been all his fault, the fault of this scary, pitch-black darkness inside of him that had tried to take him down with everyone around him. It was all thanks to Stede and the incredible graciousness and mercy of the others that he had found a way back to himself. Ed knew that Izzy had helped him to let go of Blackbeard - he had taken Ed’s dark, suicidal side with him when he died, allowing Ed to stay behind, to just be fully himself - but there was still so much guilt. Grief. Self-hatred. Anger. Regret. Stede had told him that it was normal to feel this way after all he’d been through. Intense feelings like that wouldn’t go away in an instant. He was right, Edward knew he was right, but it was still so fucking hard to just be Ed and allow all of those feelings to happen and to live with all of that fucking guilt and sorrow.
Edward wasn’t thinking of ending his life anymore. The time aboard The Revenge without Stede had been the darkest part of his whole existence and that hollow feeling of losing himself had been the worst pain he had ever felt. It had made him want to just end it all, to just stop the suffering, like a black shadow creeping through his veins, poisoning his mere existence. And yet, he hadn’t had the guts to do it himself because there always had been this tiny, shimmering warmth inside of him. The warmth of a touch, the gaze of a pair of gentle eyes, soft words that told him “But I am your friend”. In the end, Stede’s affection and acceptance of Ed’s true self had been such an intense force in Edward’s life that it had saved him from his own, life-crushing darkness. Sometimes, Ed wondered if Stede even knew what his pure presence even meant to the man that was Edward Teach, formerly known as Blackbeard.
The sound of quiet, tentative footsteps coming closer pulled Ed out of his spiraling thoughts and it caused Edward to smile gently when Stede wrapped his arms around him from behind, another tiny tear rolled down his cheek. Ed felt Stede place his chin on his right shoulder and even if that sounded contradictory in a way, being wrapped in Stede’s arms like that took some of the tightness off Ed’s chest and made him breathe easier.
“Hey,” Stede whispered softly and Edward had to squint because right at this moment, the clouds in the sky broke open, rays of sunshine falling through the gap, framed by the rest of the dark sky. They were bright. Pleasant on his skin. “Hey,” he answered, leaning back against his boyfriend a little. Stede was warm and solid in his back, his arms holding him steady. Edward’s lifeline.
“Another nightmare?” Stede then asked quietly. Ed looked down at Stede’s hands that were resting on his stomach and he noticed that his boyfriend was wearing the robe he had gotten him about a week ago. They had been shopping for furniture for the inn in a small town nearby and in a charminl little shop filled with various interesting stuff, Stede had immediately spotted a beautiful gown made out of dark green fabric (“This is phthalo green, Ed!” Stede had explained to him when they had been back home later, “One of my favorite colors!”), decorated with white ornaments on the sleeves and the hems. The way his fingers had brushed against the delicate piece of clothing had been full of longing, but after a few seconds, he had pulled his hand back, shaking his head, mumbling “We need all the money that’s left for the inn” to himself. Well, and so, Ed had just grabbed the robe while Stede had been looking at a wardrobe made of dark wood, distracted, and quickly had paid for it.
The way Stede’s face had lit up when Ed had given the robe to him outside of the shop had made Edward’s heart stumble away in his chest. Just seeing the man he loved smile like that made everything so, so worth it, even the hardships of life. No amount of pain or nightmares could take that away from him and that thought made Ed’s smile brighten. Yes. This was where he belonged, in Stede’s arms. On Stede’s side.
“Yeah,” he then admitted quietly, nodding a little. Stede’s hug around him tightened the slightest bit. “Is there something I can do to make you feel better?” the gentleman pirate asked, caring as always. There was so much love in his voice. The smile still on his lips, Ed brushed his right hand over Stede’s right lower arm, caressing the fabric of the robe first, then his boyfriend’s soft skin. He placed his hand on Stede’s and laced their fingers together. Stede squeezed his fingers in a really gentle gesture and Ed lifted his head again to watch the sun fall through the clouds, causing the ocean in front of them to sparkle beautifully. Edward inhaled and exhaled deeply for a short, peaceful moment.
“Can we just stay like this for a little longer?” he then asked. And a second later, he felt warm, soft lips and a slightly bearded chin brush against his neck. “Of course, my love,” Stede answered. Another breeze brushed past them, carrying a few leaves out on the ocean, and together with them, Edward’s pain and worries. At least for this beautiful moment.