Chapter Text
December 1st - Coffee, Black -
Every inch of Voyager seemed to be filled with gaudy decorations, tinsel, mistletoe, wreathes of holly. Fake snow lined just about every window and Kathryn could swear the temperature of the ship had been lowered.
She wrapped her arms around herself as she stalked to the turbolift, thoroughly unimpressed by a string of coloured popcorn that had come loose from its tape, falling in front of the lift doors. Swatting it to the side she entered the lift and growled, “Bridge.”
Normally she loved the festivities aboard Voyager. She loved how involved the crew became and how morale improved. This time, however, the celebrations seemed to be doing nothing more than showing her just what she was missing; her mother, her sister and someone to sit with by an open fire.
Perhaps the problem was Christmas. The Janeway household had celebrated Christmas since Kathryn was a little girl. She loved the celebrations, the family, the caramel brownies and the gift-giving.
Neelix had chosen Christmas as this year’s ‘major morale booster’ because a large majority of Voyager’s crew was Human; never mind the fact that ninety percent of them had never celebrated the event before. But since their most recent run-in with the Borg he thought that now would be a wonderful time for a party and now just happened to be around Christmas.
She’d been opposed from the get go, but what could she do? They entire senior-staff, with the obviously exceptions of Tuvok and Seven, had been all for the celebration.
Tom began discussing his ideas immediately; a holodeck program of a ski lodge, egg-nog and fruit cake, bon-bons with silly jokes and a secret Santa open to any crew member who wanted in.
The lift doors opened cutting her miserable meandering thoughts. Without uttering a word, Kathryn walked to her ready room and straight to her replicator. “Coffee, black,” she demanded.
Her coffee materialised and she drank in the calming scent as much as the flavour. This was her one escape aboard, the one constant companion that kept her from going completely insane.
With a heavy sigh she moved to the window. The moment she’d entered the ready room her internal clock began to tick now, as it reached one the door chimed.
She closed her eyes and shook her head at the predictability of her first officer. “Come,” she authorised.
He waited, as he always did, for the doors to close before speaking. “Captain, is everything alright?”
His concern was touching. His concern was always touching and left her feeling burdensome and more alone than she ordinarily did.
“I’m fine, Chakotay,” she replied. She didn’t turn from the window hoping that he might get the hint and leave her be, for now.
He was more perceptive than she gave him credit for, though. He always knew when she was out of sorts, today being no exception.
She heard him approach up the steps and saw his reflexion in the glass.
“Talk to me, Kathryn. This isn’t like you,” he prompted.
His words were like daggers to her heart. She closed her eyes in an effort to hide her anguish, her pain. But he was persistent as well as perceptive.
He moved to stand beside her. “I can talk to Neelix, we can change to a different holiday,” he offered. “I’m sure there’s another holiday around this time we could use.” She recalled past conversations, offhand comments about spending Christmas with her family. He proved once again just how attentive he was, just how much he cared.
Kathryn studied his reflection for a moment before shaking her head. “No, the crew is excited for Christmas.”
“The whole point of this was to boost morale, yours included,” he objected.
“The crew’s morale is more important than mine,” she responded.
He sniffed and shook his head “Since when?”
“Since always, Chakotay,” that was all too true. She was the reason they were stuck out here. She didn’t deserve happiness.
Her first officer gave a small, exasperated sigh. “I’m putting all of the senior-staff in for the secret Santa,” he stated.
She rounded on him. “I beg your pardon!”
“We’re the senior officers, we all need to participate,” he told her firmly.
She raised a brow, ready to object but he held up a hand to stop her. “It won’t be that bad, you may even enjoy it,” he challenged.
“Fine,” she snapped. “But you’re helping me pick the gift!”
He grinned lightly and she had the feeling he was mocking her. “What if you get me?”
She blinked uncertainly. “Then – I’ll – fine.”
With a small laugh he departed, leaving her to her maudlin mood.