Chapter Text
2018, L Corp Headquarters, National City
“Supergirl…Supergirl, are you there?”
It’s Alex. Kara flails her hands, stopping short of touching the earpiece and replying out right. Scrambling deep into her suit pocket to retrieve her phone, she steals a glance sideways seeing Lena’s raised eyebrow.
“Ugh..just hang on…” she mumbled as she ‘answered’ her phone.
What am I doing…? Kara feels cold sweat seeping through her blouse on her back, even though she knows it is physically impossible.
Just like how it was physically impossible to dodge Mercy’s ‘terrible marksmen’. But she couldn’t hope for Supergirl to come any minute like Lena and Eve are undoubtedly thinking right now. Lena might have a frosty relationship with Supergirl, but Kara is close with her, and despite everything, Supergirl will not stand by seeing anyone in L Corp get hurt, right?
Then, why am I letting precious minutes slip by while the chance of Lena and Eve getting hurt gets higher and higher? They both appear calm and collected, with the confidence of scientists that is just taking their weekly assassination attempt with stride. After all, Lena designed the building with impressive technology that can hold back her brother’s goons or vengeful foes. She knows the security systems in L Corp like the back of her hand.
Yet Kara knows better. Minutes ago, when they were still at Lena’s office, they heard that Mercy Graves, Lena’s former mentor but also a xenophobic terrorist, had hacked into L Corp and locked down the building. Lena gently laid her hand on Kara’s back to calm her down from the ‘panic’ she put on as a feeble excuse to get away. While Kara hunched and asked if there might be a closet she could hide in, Lena straightened her back and raised her chin, looking straight into Kara’s eyes.
“Absolutely not, safety in numbers. Kara, you will be safe with me.”
Kara Danvers would have been so thankful for Lena’s touch to ground her back to reality, but Supergirl has powers, and Supergirl’s heightened senses were fully alert of the tremors by the hand that was calmly planted on her back.
After all, how can anyone truly get used to having a gun aiming at them, unless they are bulletproof?
Lena is trying though. Trying so hard to do good despite living a life on the edge of assassinations and ostracisation. She’s putting this brave front for me, for Kara Danvers . And Kara Zor-El is protecting Lena by being Supergirl, a superhero– an alias that has no personal baggage her enemies can use against, right?
“Supergirl.” Alex’s voice jolted her back to the present.
“Alex, hi. Yeah..it’s Kara.” Her footsteps are naturally drawn towards the door as she hears danger approaching. “I'm here with Lena and Eve.” I need to get her out of here.
“So, you haven't been able to get away?”
“Yeah… Supergirl has not arrived on the scene. Is the DEO coming?”
“I can have a team there in four minutes.”
The reliable Alex. Kara felt her shoulder slack in relief upon hearing her sister’s assurance. Alex will be able to get us. We’ll be fine. Just for a few more minutes, let me be Kara Danvers, as Alex will want.
—-----------------------------
2005, Midvale
Jeremiah had to leave so that Kara Zor-El’s secret would not be revealed. There were a few things Kara regretted deeply in her life, but it was the first time the gravity of her own actions directly led to someone losing her father. Now, Alex would never forgive her.
“Kara, aren’t you having some pecan pie?” Eliza’s voice rang through the kitchen.
“I’m going out for a walk.” Kara replied listlessly as she opened the front door.
The morning air was still a bit misty and she had about half an hour before she needed to head for school.
She really had wanted to eat it. She had wanted to tell Eliza how grateful she was that she didn’t hate her for driving her husband away. She had wanted to hug back when, even with her super strength, she felt squeezed in her foster mother’s embrace. However, is it really okay to return these feelings? When she relaxed a little bit into their kindness, she brought danger to the Danvers. If she let loose again with Eliza, every minute she spent playing daughter would be one minute of Eliza’s attention taken away from Alex. Was it really right to take more from this poor girl?
Deep down, she knew these hollow echoes were just another form of self-pity.
Happiness, security, sense of direction. Things she did not deserve for obediently getting into that pod that day…
These distant echoes crept louder whenever she opened her eyes each morning, when there was just the silence of Alex’s slow breathing in her sleep and a pale, gray ceiling above her head. Suddenly the house felt smaller than the pod she drifted half-consciously in for the past twenty four years. She had to get out and breathe as soon as possible.
Her steps hastened as she reached behind a small shed in an abandoned house two blocks down the street. It had become a morning routine for her to hide from Eliza while Alex got her breakfast and went off to school. Luckily, she was now in high school while Kara was still a senior in junior high, so they didn’t have to see each other at all if she was careful enough.
The word ‘careful’ is a word that had been following her even before Krypton’s explosion.
Kara cracked a crooked smile as her eyes met with a pair of yellow ones. Streaky took a few steps but stopped and greeted her with a yawn, as if that was enough to acknowledge her presence. The black cat then looked away and started preening, waiting for Kara to crouch down to her level.
This is so good, to just live how one pleases. Kara thought to herself as she waited for Streaky’s signal to start patting her.
The sun had penetrated the morning mist and shined its first rays on the puddle beside Streaky, and its sparks had in turn bounced off her silky coat, making Kara’s first friend on earth even more beautiful.
“You are just like Folsa…” She smiled and started stroking Streaky from the back of her head along her spine, and the cat purred with a sign of approval.
Folsa was Thara’s older sister. While her best friend and classmate in Krypton was bubbly, athletic and clumsy, Folsa, just two years older than them, was quiet, steady and bookish. While Kara has dark blonde waves and Thara auburn curls, Folsa’s hair was jet black and straight, almost glassy in appearance. Along with those emerald eyes that could rival the towers of Kryton’s prestigious guilds, Folsa’s presence often caused heads to turn, including Kara’s. Her beauty left a large imprint on Kara’s mind, even now when brunettes are far more common on Earth than in Krypton. After all, emerald eyes and the way they reflect from Rao’s sun in its red tint is another thing that is gone forever.
Kara wanted to shrug this self wallowing off and looked up at the yellow sun’s rays, which started to paint the sky blue. She saw some swallows flying by and she could not help but train her eyes on their path, fascinated by the vastness they could occupy. Krypton did not have birds, and flying was rare by the time she was born given the interplanetary travel ban and the slow extinction of creatures like winged dragons. The only reason she even went to a dozen of planets was due to Zor-El’s line of work, to save other planets from ecological destruction. Otherwise, Kryptonians had long curbed their curiosity, a price they were willing to pay to maintain peace and progress. Ironically, she could fly far and fast here. She wondered if Streaky would like it if she took them up and left the clouds behind them. But even when she was sneaking out with Alex that night three months ago, she was afraid to look up to the stars. If she took off her glasses and stared hard enough, the reddish twinkle of Rao would still be there sitting comfortably beside Cassiopeia, parading its form from two thousand years ago, burning gracefully without care as if they weren’t facing destruction, as if Krypton isn’t already gone.
Therefore, she didn’t look up. Instead, she focused on Alex’s story about the family traversing continents to a land full of rice fields where nobody spoke a speck of English. While that was no Starhaven, Nagano is far enough to spark Kara’s imagination of a world beyond Midvale. Hearing Alex struggle to pronounce the words of pinky swear in a foreign language, taught by a girl who sneaked out with her just like what Kara was doing with Alex right now, it was fascinating to imagine the balsamic smell of ancient cedar wood and shrines that carry the spirit of the past through constant destruction and reconstruction. Suddenly she realized that Midvale had become a place with enough familiarity that she could use to anchor against other places even more foreign.
Is it okay to feel this familiar? Kara thought. Is it okay…to call this home?
“There you are.”
With her thoughts deep into skies and stars and flying, Kara missed the sounds of Alex’s Doctor Martens crushing the leaves on the pavement, bringing her back to the present. Her roughness did no favors to assuage Streaky’s caution, so the cat quietly slid off Kara’s arms and walked away.
“Alex.” Kara greeted curtly, standing up with her head hung low.
“Pecan Pie.” Alex shifted and the crunchy leaves under her boots rustled with unease.
“Hm?” Kara finally looked up, her eyes still unable to meet Alex’s. A piece of pie rocked in the tupperware as Alex gestured her to take it.
“You think I could possibly finish the whole thing before school? Mom’s made enough for a village– or at least, enough for you before I hear your stomach growl by the first recess.”
Kara’s breath hitched with wide eyes. She can hear me from another school?!
“Relax, that’s figurative…” Seeing the dent between Kara’s eyebrows, she added, “It’s a joke…”
“Oh..uh, Okay. I’m not hungry, you can go back first.”
“Damn it, Kara!” Alex huffed. “How long do you want to sulk? Mom is worried.”
“I…” I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. How can I get Jeremiah back? How can I possibly make your family complete again? “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t need your apology.” Alex answered quickly.
“But you are angry.” For three months, Alex had spoken eight sentences to her, each with less than ten words. She hates me.
“Fuck, Kara, of course I’m angry.” She walked closer and crossed her arms. “I’m angry at myself. I told you to sneak out with me. I asked you to fly me. I am the one who took Dad away from us.”
Us.
There was a pause between them, when Alex didn’t know how to proceed. She was too proud at this moment to concede more.
“If it hadn’t been me…” Kara finally whispered.
“If it hadn’t been you.” Alex parroted flatly and moved further into her space. She was now standing two inches away from Kara, peering down on the teenager who had just recently been going on a growth spurt. Soon Kara would overtake Alex, but not today. “Yes, but it had been you, and you are here, and you are not going anywhere. You are my sister . Whether you like it or not, I am your sister, and I will always hate you for ruining my first date, but never because you are an alien, or some spandex hero’s cousin, okay?”
Alex’s stance started to crumble as she deflated her puffed chest and shifted her feet again. “Look,” she sighed and cupped Kara’s cheeks gently, forcing her to meet her eyes. “I needed some time away… and that whole flying thing?…That was on me. I..I only have you two left, and I need you to be safe. Just answer me, can you put everything behind… and just be Kara Danvers?”
I didn’t sign up to be here.
That’s what Kara had been telling herself for the past year, and this voice popped up like a reflex… She still hated it here. Maybe, she had been putting up a poor guise trying to fit in, and that’s why Alex asked her this obvious question.
Alex gestured for them to sit down. They were now side by side, one sitting crossed leg and the other propping up her box with her knees. Alex didn’t bring any forks, so she just dug in with her fingers, scooping a bite into her mouth. Kara followed suit.
“I made a friend called Vicky a while back.” Alex started talking again. “Dropped by her house yesterday to chill…just to do homework together. It’s not like I care or we’re BFFs or anything, but you know, she needed some help with biology. Anyway, it was terrible. She has a sis still in grade six, and that little brat— she was blasting My Humps on repeat, and we couldn’t get anything done. Vicky made me pick the lock to the kid’s room, then later, she snuck into ours climbing through the windows, and painted lipstick all over her Maroon 5 poster. Urgh.”
Kara thought she understood around half of what was being said, but seeing the way Alex’s eyes rolled and the face she made, she wondered what kind of place high school is. It seemed to make people crankier, talk funny, and just– become another person?
Kara took another bite of the pie. It tasted delicious. There was nothing like that in Krypton, pecans didn’t exist there. Cars started lazily rumbling through the street as people made their way towards their morning commute. In her first days arriving at the Danvers, she couldn’t even bear the sound of the tires grinding on the asphalt. Everything was so loud and grating. So Jermiah made her a pair of glasses with lead lining. Eliza and him would sit down with her to play the radio so they could all have something to focus their ears on. At first, they removed the TV and put it in the storeroom to reduce the source of stimulants, much to Alex’s ire. Then, after Kara picked up books and understood more of Earth’s languages, they took the TV back out again and started watching all sorts of movies, mainly old musicals. With time, the sounds of the town and Earth’s nature became one giant invisible blanket, getting rather endearing to her. She still hated how she had to tune out the sirens and cries of agony, but it was delightful to hear robins chirping and have Streaky’s purrs beckon her in the mornings.
The swoosh of the waves hitting the shores of the beaches when the tide changes.
The calming buzz when the knob of the radio begins to hit the frequency of a radio channel.
The tiny thistles of endless rain hitting the leaves above her head as she hid deep into the woods.
The occasional jet that is too far above for most people to hear, leaving a trail of clouds as it flew past.
The distant thunder of a storm that is yet to come, when the clear sky is still dyed in purple after sunset.
Kara realized that she had fallen in love with here .
“She seems fairly annoying…um, your friend’s sister.”
“For real, they’re all like that, including you.” There is a lightness in Alex’s voice that somehow lifted her spirits. “Just deal with it.”
“How?”
“You are going to mess up. That’s how human beings are. You are different, but so is everybody else. You are annoying and uncool, but so are most people…except me. So knock yourself out.”
Kara made a mental note to watch more TV so she would start to understand Alex’s language more. She hastened her bite and took a big, satisfying gulp of the syrupy caramel, filling her stomach with warmth she hadn’t felt for a long time. Kara Danvers is not a mask. She is not a refugee. I’m Kara Zor-El, and I am also Kara Danvers.
She felt a tear roll down her cheek and she bit her lip slightly to stop the tremble.
“Chocolate pecan pie really is the best dessert in this universe.”
Alex smirked and took the empty tupperware away from her hands. “I guess only you can make these claims.” She stood up and started to walk back towards the house, so Kara followed.
It’s now or never. A voice in Kara’s heart told her.
“I want to be Kara Danvers.” She concentrated on Alex’s back as she paused at her footsteps.
“Well then, start acting like my sister for a start.”
This was the day that Kara decided she would become Kara Danvers. She may no longer join the science guild, and she might not even be a scientist here on Earth. What would Kara do if she was not born in the House of El? Images of Thara, Folsa, Streaky and the swallows brought a small smile to her face.
That should be enough to hold back the vines, if only for a little bit.
—-------------------------------------------
2018, L Corp, National City
Alex will come soon, and I have to sneak out now.
“I really think..I’m safer here. These doors look sooo strong.” Kara might have overdone her frown but that got Lena’s attention.
“Kara, I promise you, you are safer with me, all right? I got you.”
They split up with Eve, who headed to the control room, while Lena and her found refuge in a secret room in the basement. This is probably one part of the complex that leads to the secret L Corp vault, the one she asked James to spy in. Kara internally sighs as she remembers how her lapse of judgment had caused a rift between Supergirl and Lena, first with the kryptonite, then with Sam. Lena is putting her life on the line for Kara Danvers, but if the person walking beside her is Supergirl, would she accept her help readily?
The lab is quite sterile but bits and pieces are carefully laid out on the table at the center of this room.
“Where is here? What is this?”
Kara asks based on the reflex of her human persona, but the layout peculiarly reminds her of Zor-El’s private lab in their old Krypton home, the one where he kept his own side experiments. As her parents were saddled with responsibilities on saving the dying planet, the private lab would be the place Kara was allowed to spend her time with her father most. The waft of the reagent he used to create a film-like material sometimes still wandered its way to Kara’s dreams. Later she would learn that it became the key to Argo City’s survival.
“It’s where I keep all my experimental prototypes. Don’t print that.” Lena answered.
“Reporter’s honor.” Kara quips but her eyes are immediately drawn to the green she grew to love and fear.
“It’s your mother’s Lexosuit.”
“Yeah,” Lena walks towards it. “It’s in pieces.”
That was from Morgan Edge’s party, where Lena and Kara crashed to stop Lillian from killing him.
The man who caused Lena so much pain and self doubt, the man who almost led Lena on an irreversible course. For that, Morgan Edge is unforgivable. The vendetta and bitterness Kara felt towards him shocked even herself, and it was the first time she understood how much she fears losing Lena, not just physically, but also in the way Clark had lost Lex. Yet here they were, working together to be the bigger person despite their disappointing loved ones. She wished she could tell Lena there and then, how similar they both are while they were basking in the adrenaline of victory. If she had done it, maybe, she wouldn’t have let that fear take over the desire to let it all out.
When was it again? When Kara feels the yearning to look for Lena’s approval, to be liked by her as a whole, if she could even define what ‘whole’ is.
—------
2016, National City
Kara let out a huge yawn as she crawled out of bed on a Saturday morning. She took a glance at the journal she left on her bedside table, before looking out to the tall windows that helped lit up her loft with the recharge she needed.
It had been a tiring week. The story on Lena’s alien detection device may have earned Kara her way into the CatCo bullpen, but Snapper was far from welcoming. She was beaten up with rejection after rejection of articles and story ideas this week. Nothing from “What’s kind of trend are the Millennials brewing with #mentoscoke_spachallenge?” to “The underground educational networks of National City’s alien refugees” stuck. The pen she broke while venting her frustrations in her journal last night came into her line of vision as she picked up her half folded supersuit that had been haphazardly perched on the back of her chair.
She sighed and chucked the pen away in the waste bin before heading to the bathroom to get ready. At least, she could take solace in finding some bad guys to punch on duty this morning.
A little while later, she was soaring through the skies and making infinite loops around National City’s highrises– it is Supergirl's little warm up routine whenever there was no immediate danger and she is just patrolling the city. Soon enough, she heard a cry of help and zoomed in on a teenage boy who just got pushed off a bicycle by three men.
“I swear…that’s all I have, please.” The boy tried pushing the bike off his body but was quickly shoved down by one of the men stepping onto the bike wheel.
“It’s too bad pizza boy–” He couldn’t finish his sentence though, as Supergirl dived in from the sky and kicked him off the bike. Carefully propping it up with one hand, she pulled the limping boy up slowly.
“Are you okay?” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders gently and helped him walk slowly towards a set of crates on the alley side to sit him down. Turning her back from the men, she carefully scanned the boy up and down for injuries.
The other two men stared in fury and disbelief as the woman who just stepped into the scene and casually kicked their partner off to the side like a piece of stone continued to pay absolutely no attention to their existence.
“How dare you…you don’t know who you’re dealing with!” One of them took out a gun and started pointing at the duo, startling the boy.
“Um…Supergirl?” He winced at the pain of his ankle while trying to gesture at her to take notice of the danger they were in.
“This is going to take a bit more than icing, buddy.” Supergirl frowned at the boy’s ankle, leaning further in to look. She was trying to see if the tiny groove was indeed a broken bone. “Let me–”
One man decided to fire as they couldn’t bear suffering from the humiliation of being ignored any longer. What an imprudent decision. Kara supersped towards them while catching the bullet between her fingers, flicking it back absentmindedly in one swoop. The bullet shot precisely passed the left ear of the gunner, grazing it with a loud swoosh and a slight scratch, eliciting a sharp, scaredly screech from him. Suddenly, the superhero is standing inches away from the three goons.
“You are catching me in a bad mood today.” Kara’s eyes narrowed haughtily. “So no luck if you were hoping I’ll just end you with a bullet.”
She had decided she was going to be petty today. She deserved to, she thought to herself.
Supergirl took her time with a full minute and thirteen seconds, though she did hold her strength back to make sure she limited the broken bones to single digit counts. The groaning of those beaten men crawling away from her made her feel a bit pathetic even though they did serve as good punching bags. Did she kind of imagine Snapper’s and Addison from HR’s faces on them? Maybe.
“Just so you know…that kid and his mom owe us thousands of dollars…and we…my boss, he’s not gonna—”
Kara just shook her head and threw him a final punch to knock him out.
“Guys. I have superhearing. So, if I ever hear you, or your cronies, try to lay a finger on this boy and his family again.” She paused and made sure the two remaining men got a glimpse of her icy blue stare. “It won’t be just a few punches. Now crawl back to your boss and make sure he knows that too.”
She walked back towards the boy as the criminals dragged their passed out companion and scuttled away. “Buddy, I’m so sorry but it looks like you have more than a bad sprain.”
“No..” The boy shook his head. “Thank you, Supergirl.”
“Do you want a lift to the hospital?”
His cheeks turned pink as he shook his head harder again. “Nonono…it’s okay. I’ll need to go to work anyway…” His attempt to stand up from the crate immediately failed.
“What..? No~” Kara scooped the boy up in bridal style, ignoring his protests.
“Supergirl…Supergirl?!” He looked around in panic as she slowly started floating them up. He closed his eyes and took three deep breaths while he felt the breeze getting cooler and quicker. “Ok..okay…If you must bring me to a hospital, take me to the Luthor Children’s.”
For some reason, that caused the superhero, who had been acting cool so far, wobbled a bit.
“Wh wha, why?” Anything that involved Lena’s name in the most remote manner caused a slight skip in Kara’s heart. Afterall, this new National City resident had become a sort of role model to Kara Danvers, for establishing a larger than life presence in the city against the shadows her brothers cast, but also, for personally believing in a nobody like Kara, and nudging her towards a life-changing career decision.
“Well, I got a gig at the hospital’s family day…and it pays five times more than my regular part-time job. If I don’t show up, there won’t be a next time. Please, Supergirl, let me go.”
In the end, they reached a compromise, and that was how Kara found herself ending up in another type of suit.
Bless my Kryptonian genes , Kara thought as the furry thick coat of her polar bear mascot costume caused only a slight irritation rather than a pool of sweat in National City’s mild winter. She chuckled as she did a swirl and a little dance at the two kids in wheelchairs that stopped by her spot at the pavilion, eliciting some giggles from the two little friends.
Seeing that the girl’s bracelet and necklace were both in red, and the boy’s woolen cap was in green, she crouched and offered them balloons of their favorite colors.
“Woah… how did you know?!” The girl received the balloon and exclaimed in excitement.
“Well, I shouldn’t tell you but…” Kara stood back up and did a proud supergirl pose with arms akimbo, grinning inside behind the suit’s headpiece with a smile that somehow oozed through the calm look stitched on the mascot’s headpiece. “I’m Santa’s favorite, and he told me aaallll about the good kids’ wishes.” She bent down a little bit and whispered loudly against the giggly children’s ears. “Don’t tell Rudolf or he’ll be jealous!”
She continued to give out more balloons, occasionally letting kids take piggyback rides as they journeyed across the winter wonderland (a patch of white artificial snow carpet on the lawn), and generated quite a few rounds of laughter as noon approached. By then, Kara was a bit thankful to take Dave’s place at his job as her grumpy spirits were lifted by the families she played with considerably.
“Time for lunch, polar bear!” A staff member called for her to take a break. She went behind the screens to tables of finger food laid out for all staff to eat. Taking a plate, Kara made a beeline towards the platter of potstickers and began to fill her plate up diligently.
“Is it…okay?” she scratched her ‘ear’ while looking at the catering staff who was giving her deadpan eyes. In truth, she wanted to build her own mountain of potsickers.
“Yeah, Miss Luthor bought enough to feed three rounds. Who am I to question your questionable choice of diet?” The staff member shrugged and walked away.
With her blessing, Kara took ten more and carefully arranged them so the dumplings wouldn’t topple. It was harder using the costume ‘paws’, but nothing impossible.
“Kara…?”
The polar bear jolted and almost spilled her food. “Lena…?”
“Oh, so it really is you.” Lena broke a smile as she surveyed the woman in front of her from head to toe. “What a surprise to see our budding Catco reporter dressing up as a…. Samoyed?”
“Oh Lena…” The polar bear’s head shook and waved her finger in disappointment. “The CEO of L Corp and Chair of the Luthor Family Children Hospital, yet she can’t tell the difference between a polar bear and a dog. I guess even a toad drowns in the river occasionally, huh?”
Upon Lena’s amply raised eyebrows, Kara's brief moment of pride in her teasing melted into a puddle of embarrassment. ”Um…uh….that, is a phrase I read from Kasnian literature…wheff, didn’t sound all that pretty translating to English, huh?”
Lena raised her chin slightly and prodded Kara on with a suspicious look, seemingly having a great time seeing her friend flustered at this sorry explanation. Kara felt like she would never shake off mixing Kryptonian idioms with human ones. She still slips up whenever she gets excited or wants to sound witty in front of Lena, which usually backfires spectacularly.
“By the way, it is from this special species of toad in Kasnia that can inflate itself into a balloon to get away from danger, so uh, it is very rare for them to drown, which just means ‘Even the best fumbles sometimes’. Just to be clear,” She cleared her throat and tilted her head back up at Lena apologetically, “I didn’t mean to say you look like a toad. You are smart and graceful, and even if you can’t tell cartoon mascots apart–like between a bear,” She raised her paws to her head’s level menacingly, “and a dog…” Lowering the paws to waist level, Lena thought she saw Kara’s ‘ears’ droop too. “You are still the best children’s philanthropist I know in National City! So uh…don’t feel bad, I mean, of course you wouldn’t…why…”
Lena finally let a snigger escape, seeing how unreserved Kara was in her compliments, even though it may be a bit clumsy in the delivery. “A philanthropist though,” She pressed her hand gently on Kara’s to pause her ramble. “Has the ability to tell who you are from afar, just based on your penchant for potstickers.”
“I guess this suit is no guise for the genius, huh?” Relieved she was finally left off the hook, she was also glad that Lena’s keen perception doesn’t extend towards having literal x-ray vision, or she would have seen her blush with self-gratifying realization that Lena could recognise her behind a costume. She secretly wondered if one day, she would just naturally figure out who Supergirl is, but those two– could they be called friends yet?
“Hmmm— it’s so good!” Kara exclaimed as she dipped another piece of pot sticker into the sauce while she savored the two ones in her mouth, making her look more like a chipmunk in white furs.
“Kara, your shift is over, you can eat slowly and not choke.”
They had now found a nice, quiet corner at the hospital’s backyard, sitting under a tree on a bench with just a few hospital staff taking their own breaks nearby. The headpiece sitting beside Kara looked as calm as ever, surveying the grass that swayed with the light breeze under the mild winter sun. Lena was now folding paper cranes for the postnatal intensive care ward’s decoration, while Kara slowed down on her munching and watched on silently as she ate.
At this point in time, she had just extended her friendship towards the enigmatic entrepreneur when they ran into each other, both sitting alone at Noonan’s during lunch. Truth be told, it still seemed that she was the one who was really pushing it, who had somehow been drawn to her like a magnet while the other side was still contemplating whether it was a good idea or not. The unexpected meeting made her excited and apprehensive at the same time. For now, she decided to treasure every second they were alone together.
Lena has nimble fingers. They grazed the origami paper with ease like water dancing around boulders and reeds in a slow and steady stream, molding them into smooth shapes effortlessly even though it appeared to be avoiding any clash or resistance with the objects in its way. Suddenly, a piece of paper would transform into a bird and get set aside, while another piece got blown life into it in seconds by those beautiful, crafty hands.
“Is there something wrong?”
Kara let out a breath she did not know she was holding. “Uh..no…it’s just wow, you’re amazing with your fingers.” Blushing at how it sounded like, she hastily added. “Uh, I mean, amazing with your paper folding skills. These cranes look pretty–and you’re so quick at it!”
Lena dipped her head slightly at the barrage of compliments. “I did that a lot when I was a child living in the Luthor Mansions. Not the warmest place on Earth, with Lex and my father always away for some ‘important business’. It calmed me to be busy with something that was not studying or thinking about how to please my mother. She doesn’t like anything that has no profit or gain, but this is something that belongs to me that I can easily hide away from her, and from all my so-called friends who held similar views as hers at boarding school.”
“They don’t just look pretty– they all look like they possess a soul and contain the feelings of one who created them with care and heart.” She scooped one yellow crane up carefully and examined it, imagining how its wings flap gloriously as they soared towards the full moon. Ah, these birds are really majestic creatures , Kara exclaimed silently as she rested it down beside the flock of completed cranes.
“Funny you’d say that, Kara,” Lena watched Kara's movements with delight. “They are my only friends that got me through my childhood. I used to have a teddy bear my birth mom gave me. Mr Sniffles…she called him, probably teasing the way on how much I loved crying to get all the hugs and treats I wanted. I had to quickly unlearn that when Mother told me there is no room for softness in the Luthor Mansion, when she threw away the only present from my mom–my only friend–right in front of my eyes to dare me not to let a single tear fall. I…”
She suddenly startled and glanced up at Kara, surprised that she had easily revealed that much. “I’m sorry for making this heavy.”
For a slight moment, Kara noticed the tremor on Lena’s lips. The tremor that let slip that she was vulnerable. There was an urge that bubbled up Kara’s chest to just take her into her arms and give her a tight hug, but Lena’s confident posture resumed and she quickly picked up another piece of paper and started folding nonchalantly.
“No no, I understand what you mean.” Kara tried to shift the precariousness of the atmosphere as she pinched her last piece of potsticker up with her hand, forgoing her chopsticks. “Before I moved in with my current family, I also lived in a large, mostly empty house.”
Lena, glad to have the focus of the story taken away from her, looked up and gave her a small smile, encouraging her to carry on.
“My parents were always busy. One of them was a uh–sort of a lawyer, and my father was a researcher. Even back then, I knew what they did was very important, because they were always away, and our house was nicer than my friends’.”
Since I could remember, my friends and their parents always looked at me differently. Later on, I came to understand that the name of this look is “expectation”.
“They tried to give me the best though, no matter how busy they were. They gave me a room with the best view of the city… to compensate, I guess? And I remember it was always around sunset that all my friends would go home and spend time with their families, and I would be greeted with an empty balcony but amazing scenery.”
Kara put the empty box aside and reached out for a piece of paper, only to be rebutted by Lena’s slap on her hand.
“Wash your hands before touching, you classy brute.” Kara made a sour face at Lena’s remark, but now Lena had caught her attention. “I know you said it is very far away, but one day, let’s go back and watch the sunset together. Even if the house is not there, or the land is owned by somebody else, I’m sure I can find a way.”
Kara just smiled and lowered her head so Lena couldn’t see the bitterness on her face.
“Yeah…some day, let’s…” She took a deep breath and continued. “Anyway. What I am trying to tell you is that while you busied yourself with paper folding as a kid, I got into painting.”
The sky is the only constant that always changes.
She felt Lena’s grip on her hand.
“It was something that was not expected of me, so I understand, the feeling of liberation from having something that only belongs to yourself, and they are truly wonderful.” She wanted Lena to know that she wasn’t just showering her with empty praises. She wanted Lena to know that she doesn’t take her genius and her burden for granted.
She wanted Lena to understand that she knows what loneliness is like.
“Kara, you are the first person that doesn’t dismiss things I do outside of L Corp as footnotes, and this feels great, thank you.” She felt the grip on her hand tightened. “Do you think…perhaps, I could get to see one of your paintings someday too?”
“Uh–” Kara gaped as she did not expect that to be coming. “I stopped since I came to Earr–earn a living.” Why is it so easy to slip up when I am with Lena?
“Having a job can be really taxing, can’t it? Catco is also going through big changes it seems. I can tell from the change in the editorial direction. There are lots of interesting investigative pieces. I look forward to seeing you in the bylines.”
To see that Lena paid so much attention to what she did warmed her heart, but at the same time, the feeling of inferiority left her with a twisting pang of pain. It was not so much about Lena being a CEO or a Luthor that defied her family to do good, but more that Kara had been failing to catch up to everyone.
“I don’t know…Lena, I just felt like everything is moving against my direction lately. There’re just lots of things going on, and I’ve begun to question my choices.” There are so many things she wanted to tell Lena, because she knew she would get it. The regret of not being there to raise Kal, to be his role model and a protector of the weak; botching up the chance to make it right now that someone from Daxam had crashed onto Earth and felt just as lost as she was when she first came here at the age of twelve. The question about whether the real Kara Zor-El would even…think about being a superhero, or, a journalist for that matter. In the end, she just swallowed all those frustrations and chuckled. “I feel like, I am always ten steps behind.” Kara’s voice then descended into a whisper.
“Always, a pale imitation of someone.”
“Kara, you are not an imitation of anyone.” Lena's lips spread into a sympathetic smile. “I don’t just think you will be a good journalist because your cousin is one and you helped clear my name. It is because you believe in the good, and that is something we all need a bit more of in a world full of connivance and deceit. You see things from the side of people who are different from you. That is why you believed in me when we first met, and why you are so protective of the alien refugees. I want to do good too, and like you, I doubt myself all the time. I asked myself why I couldn’t see the harm a discriminative device may do to humanity, even though I vouch to make L Corp a force of good, and each time, the answer falls back to you, Kara Danvers. You are the one who held me back, who made me reconsider things I cannot see. For that, I am sure you are destined to be a good journalist.”
Kara gaped at her friend in awe. The way Lena said her words with such conviction, and the piercing look in her unwavering, forest green eyes.
She believes in me. She sees me.
She might have gaped for too long and with too much disbelief. The steady look in Lena’s eyes suddenly foundered in uncertainty. Lowering her head, Lena touched her own cheek shyly, apparently taken aback by her own forwardness. Kara was once again reminded that Lena was still careful with everything in this new place, with their new relationship– like a crane skimming the quiet waters occasionally, always observing and testing.
“Lena!” Kara couldn’t help but leaned forward and brought her into a hug, fearing that her crane would fly away any second. “Thank you. This means a lot.” She had a thousand words she wanted to say, but in the end they came out short and tender.
There was an excitement and fear when one meets the eyes of the bird they have been watching behind the bushes, and that tranquil moment of mutual understanding would break if any side added more unnecessarily.
A strong desire to be her friend, to be her confidant, and to protect her hopes and optimism. Yes, Lena came from a dark place, but at least to Kara, she shines brighter than anybody else.
Finally, she felt Lena’s shoulders relax as she hugged Kara back.
“I am just saying the truth—but,” she chuckled self-deprecatingly. “Did it come across as too heavy handed?”
“Lena, Lena.” Kara started rubbing her back with one palm. “You are never heavy handed, nor a burden to me. I really needed to hear this, you are a good friend.”
“Am I?” Lena’s voice trembled a little. Was she getting misty eyed? “I’m really new to this friendship thing. I don’t want to ruin this.”
Kara pulled back immediately so she could really look at Lena and tell her. “You won’t.”
She remembered how she felt the same way when she first really tried to be Alex’s sister, or tried to make her first friend at school. It was so difficult. It felt like walking in a dark wet tunnel where the light at the end always just reflected dimly from the walls, tricking you into believing that you are almost out, but never quite there yet. However, without knowing it, she was surrounded by Alex, Kenny, Winn, James and so many others in a warm, cozy room. She wanted desperately to sweep these thoughts Lena was having right away.
“Remember how I told you I was all alone when I first came to National City? Well, now I’m a proud host of weekly game nights, surrounded by love and laughter. Come, Lena, be my game partner and we’ll crush them together.”
Lena’s eyes dropped in a dear and sympathetic smile. “I don’t know–Kara, jumping from nursery level to Friendship Masters? I may…”
“It’s okay.” Kara cuts her off with a broad smile. “We don’t have to do Game nights. I can also give you one-on-one pop culture downloads. Lena, there are so many movies I want to show you. Let’s just hang out together.”
“All right.” This is the first time Kara sees Lena’s smile match hers in enthusiasm, and her eyes shone even brighter than the emeralds in Jewel Mountains. “I’m not about to argue with a Samoyed wagging her tail at me like that. You’re cunning, Kara Danvers, you know that?”
—--------------------------------------
Yes I do. I want all of you to myself, but I wanted that without the looks you gave Supergirl. I crumbled under the expectation to keep the world safe, and cowered at the thought that your good intentions will be in odds with mine. I want you to trust me so much, but I fear what will become if I throw all caution away and bask in your unreserved trust selfishly. What if I hurt the world you put so much hope in? What if I hurt you through that?
But unknowingly, I have already hurt you, even though you are still not aware of it.
—-------------------------------------
2018, Prototype Lab, L Corp, National City
“It’s your mother’s Lexosuit.”
“Yeah,” Lena walked towards it. “It’s in pieces.”
“Shouldn't there be another arm here?”
A sudden realization crossed both of their minds as the door slammed close. “Mercy took the bigger gun.”
“I have to hand it to you.” Mercy struts forward as the pair retreat towards the other arm of the suit. “This suit is such an exquisite instrument of death. This creation could really
move humans into a new phase of physical excellence.”
“I know. That's why I made it.”
Kara’s heart sinks with the familiar feeling of fear. Creating Kryptonite, experimenting on Harun-El, tinkering with machinations of death. She knows how many times Lena’s technology has saved her in a pinch. However, they can also fall into the wrong hands, and still, Lena made them, and she made them with staunch defiance against submitting to Supergirl and her allies. Lena is not wrong, but Kara Zor-El is weaker than she thinks. She is scared that she will lose against these advances in technology.
Not unlike the way she lost her planet to technology. Lena, Mother, Father and Astra are all so adamant that they are just one discovery, one judgment, one intervention– away from saving the world. Yet for many reasons, this blinded her parents from seeing the fatalism creeping into the eyes and the expressions of her people as they toiled away in their ivory towers, failing to understand that the monster which was Fort Rotz did not appear in a vacuum. Failing to understand that it was not about power, control or solution.
Hope, help and compassion for all. That is the only way to change the world.
And Lena relies on me to let her see things from a different perspective.
If this light of hope goes off, she will lose everyone, all over again.
I cannot lose Lena.
She can feel her blood vessels twist at the thought of Lena putting on the Lexosuit. At the same time, the echoes of the distant voices in her heart reminds her how conceited she is not to put her trust in Lena, who’s proven herself again and again, that she is good.
Is she good enough though?
Are you good enough, Kara Zor-El?
“...Isn't that what L-Corp is all about? Your fight for control and superiority?” Kara’s attention is brought back to the banter between the two.
Mercy is wrong.
“No, it's about doing good for the world, and helping clear the Luthor name.” Lena corrects her.
The Luthor name? Why does she need to do that? She doesn’t need to answer to anyone’s prejudice…she can do good for the sake of doing good…! Kara swallows this laughable thought immediately as the sign of her family crest flashes across her eyes, in the form of her parents, of Kal, and lastly, of Supergirl herself.
“Do you remember when you were afraid to show Lex your little inventions? That you would hide them from him until they were absolutely perfect. Do you remember what he would do?”
“Yeah. He'd say they were cute, and I should make them pink.”
“This is exactly what he was afraid of. That you would outshine him. I know that you want to resist, but you are just like me. You don't want to just be the best. You are the best.”
“I know I'm the best.” Lena answered back confidently. Kara can no longer hide behind her, seeing how Mercy’s finger is creeping slowly towards the arm’s trigger, goading Lena to attack. Despite Lena’s snarky comeback, now standing side by side, Kara can see the waves of emotion swimming in her eyes, vacillating between regret and disappointment.
Lena looked up to this person, and she had all the reason to, seeing how with everything she has done, Mercy is still the only one in Luthorcorp who truly believes in her abilities.
The pain of betrayal, again and again from people she adored.
Kara knows she will be the next one, eventually, following Lex’s, Mercy’s, and Rhea’s footsteps. She chose this path herself the day she decided that Lena could have all of Kara’s optimism, but not her fears and insecurity. She chose this path when she decided to only be Kara Danvers to Lena, and let the demons of cowardice take over Kara Zor-El as she hides behind Supergirl’s mask.
Why has it come to this? She asked herself many times. Was it really because of her responsibility to the world? Or was there something more selfish in the shadows behind the walls she built over the years? In truth, she was just too afraid to show Lena who Kara Zor-El is.
She is not the reporter that has endless optimism and depthless hope in her reserve. She is not the hero of steel who fights for justice with unwavering courage and compassion. She is the black sheep that is just Kara. The Kara who sat in the corner of her room under Krypton’s starry night, hugging her knees, silently wondering how to catch up. How to be worthwhile.
That Kara is not beautiful, and Lena’s light shines too brightly sometimes. It is fearsome. Kara has never felt the conflict burn so intensely as it does now. This conflict of wanting this light to reach her and expose all of herself to Lena, but also wanting to hide from the ugly details it might reveal when she goes too close.
Why is she so afraid?
“You're the one not living up to your full potential. You've chosen a side. I'd never do that. All you care about is lining your pockets.”
The tremble in Lena’s voice– she heard it again. This time, the tremble carries a lower baritone, and in some ways, shows a steady determination. The determination that she is doing the right thing, that she is protecting all the good there is in the world, despite hurt and betrayal. Is she really going to stand aside and hide like that?
No matter how much the voices in her head pull Kara down, shackling her with doubt, the desire to protect Lena, to leap towards wherever she is, whether as a friend, a colleague, or a hero– that has never changed. That’s enough, Kara decided. She finally stepped up in front of Lena and answered back, “Yeah, also, she's not a murderer.”
Then she saw it. A slight curve at the corner of Mercy’s lips. A flex from her forearm’s tendon.
“Maybe it’s because she hasn't tried it yet.”
That’s her plan, Kara realized.
She hears it too. The loud thumps of Lena’s heartbeat and hers don’t synchronize. This discord is getting louder and louder, speeding up to the inevitable climax.
A quick breeze from the remaining mechanical arm flying past her, wrapping around Lena’s hand. The tug of Lena’s other arm to pull Kara back, to protect her. To protect her? That’s all mixed up! The grit of Mercy’s teeth. The strum of an invisible string that reverberates throughout her body, awaking every fiber of her being, all at once.
The discord of Fear.
I need to. I must.
Kara supersped across the table and twisted the suit off Mercy’s arm, causing a ray of high energy blast to slash diagonally across the ceiling. In a series of moves too fast even for Kara herself to comprehend, she had flung the weapon across the room, pushed her opponent down to a kneel and locked her shoulders and feet in position. Mercy is captured and defeated.
In the end, the fear of what Mercy could do to Lena triumphed over the fear of losing her.
Looking through her glasses at Mercy’s slight gape, all Kara could hear is her own labored breathing as she tries with all her might to push the dread from creeping up and taking over her whole body, but it’s too late. Her neck feels stiffened at the gaze down toward her enemy. Her eyes lost focus, and her fingers curled into a fist.
“Supergirl…”
Feeling gravity’s pull on a tear that rolls down the side of her cheek as she twisted her head slowly back up towards the person she can’t lose, she finds the other arm of the Lexosuit pointed squarely at her.
“Lena…” The hoarse whisper that escaped from Kara’s constricted windpipes feels like it came from somebody else.
Instead of an ocean of green, she only sees a storm brewing.