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Anyone who heard of the two would be envious. every little moment they shared from when they first got together.. Felix didn't believe in the term “soulmates.”. How can someone be destined for you? What qualifies people to be soulmates? That was until he met Hyunjin. The most charming person he’s ever met. They’ve only argued once and it was their first time meeting. They were assigned to the same project & Felix, so preoccupied with his personal problems at the time had forgotten to do a fraction of his part. It was the first (and last) time Hyunjin got mad at him. It was his fault yet, when the two met up 2 days later, the first thing Hyunjin did was ask if he was okay and why he had forgotten.
Opening up to Hyunjin was what blossomed their friendship.
Referring to that moment back then, Hyunjin had joked that he couldn't believe he had fought with “a wingless angel”. Felix practically melts. It wasn’t until graduation that Felix confessed. All doed eye, with a box of his famous brownies in hand (one Hyunjin does not stop raving about) and a sticky note on top with a “I like you.” It was so simple. But the smile Hyunjin had when he saw it.. Felix thought that he wanted to make him smile like that forever. it was nothing less for Hyunjin. Felix pursued modelling not long after & Hyunjin, every chance he got, called him beautiful, posted his shoots everywhere.
On days when Felix got so busy he didn't even eat, Hyunjin would drop by during his lunch break with Felix’s favourite food. As a little tribute to Felix’s confession, the lunches were often accompanied by little sticky notes.
“youre doing great”
“youve worked hard today”
“i hope youre always smiling”
Sometimes it would be stupid things like that one time he came by with blueberry pancakes and the post-it said, “seeing you smile makes me berry happy.”. Whatever Felix wanted, Hyunjin did his best to give it. Wherever Felix wanted to go, Hyunjin would get them there.
He remembers this moment specifically.
When he was fiddling with the rings on Hyunjin’s fingers & tried them on. He was so giggly about it, the very next day Hyunjin brought them to go buy the exact same pair. “When you look at it, you’ll remember just how much I love you. it’s our reassurance.” Hyunjin had said.
That until their fairytale didn’t become so fairytale-like anymore. Hyunjin wasn't happy at his job but he was passionate about it, and plus it’s the only major photography company in this area. It works out well since Felix was in one of the biggest modelling companies and moving was just not an option. Anyway, being a photographer was all Hyunjin ever wanted. It wasn't the job necessarily that was making him unhappy, but the environment. They don't know when it got so messed up.
Felix just remembers the gestures of sending food over stopping. When Felix wanted to go on dates and Hyunjin had barely been home. “I don't think he loves me anymore.” Felix had said one day, tear stained speaking to Changbin who just held him tightly.
Until one night in particular. “You reek of alcohol. again.” Felix was exhausted. It was as though he was in love with a ghost. “I don't want to talk about this,” Hyunjin retorts, walking past Felix entering their bedroom. “I’m tired of this, the bed is gonna smell of alcohol too.”
A slightly tipsy Hyunjin looked at him then. The first time Felix thinks Hyunjin even looked at him for longer than a second since what felt like forever. & he.. he doesn’t recognise the way Hyunjin looks at him. Doesn’t know the person standing in front of him. So unfamiliar to how Hyunjin looks when he’s not in love with him.
“I’m tired. I barely see you. I come home, you're not here. I wanna go on date nights and you agree then you leave and never come back on time. I’m exhausted. I am. If you don't want me anymore, can you just say it? Can you just tell me? Are you so selfish you can't even let me go?” Felix lets out, his voice cracking and he doesnt even realise the tear that has fallen down his cheek. Hyunjin blinks, one too many times. The silence is prolonged and Felix feels suffocated. He suddenly regrets giving Hyunjin an out. Kind of thinks maybe him staying because he’s pretending he still he loves Felix might be better than not having him at all.
But then, Hyunjin laughs. But there's no humour to it. Full of bitterness. “I can't believe this. We've been together for a year. In that year, I've done everything for you. I.. took care of you the best I could. I did. I want you to succeed in your career. Wanted you happy. Whatever you wanted, I did my best to give it to you. I would have fucking stolen the stars if you had asked me to. Just to see a smile on your face. Just to hear you laugh. Just to feel the happiness radiating from you. But you?” Hyunjin sighs.
“Do u even know what's happening in my life now? How bad my job has gotten? How horrible my boss is? How he keeps berating me? How he belittles my work? How I can’t do a single thing in that office without getting fucking yelled at? Did you know?” Hyunjin rants, his voice calm but laced with hurt. Felix is silent. Because he realises he doesn't know. He doesn’t.
“I-“ Felix wants to reason, wants to say something. But he realises he can't. He has nothing to say. He didn't even realise how.. How little Hyunjin shared with him.
Hyunjin sighs, tired. He's sobered now, not entirely but, definitely good enough to articulate his thoughts and realise it’s now or never. “I loved doing those things for you because I loved you.” Felix fights back the urge to fall to his knees and sob, when he hears those words, not missing the fact that Hyunjin had used past tense.
“I never expected the same things back. I didn't expect you to come to my workplace, I didn't expect you to take me out to places I wanted to go, or spend on me, I didn't care because I knew that was how I loved you. That was how I wanted to love you. with the little acts of service, the little gestures. Whenever I did something, and you smiled, it made my day. It was enough for me. I never did them with expectations of you doing the same for me,” he reasons, his voice beyond exhausted, and, he too now starts silently crying.
“I just wanted you to ask me how my day went. Ask me what happened at work. On days where I was silent, you didn’t notice it once. Never.. unless I mentioned I had a bad day, you never once noticed it.”
Felix swallows the heavy lump in his throat. How did he not realise it.. How can he be so inattentive to someone he adores more than anything in this world? How can he let his beloved suffer alone? How dare he take, and take, and take, without giving back.
“I just wanted to feel loved too.” Hyunjin says, now full on sobbing, the pain in his voice feels like a literal knife in Felix’s heart and he can’t stop replaying the times he’s neglected Hyunjin over and over again. “I just wanted to know that you love me too.” Hyunjin said, falling completely to the ground and Felix is quick to fall next to him.
“Jinnie.. my baby.. I’m so, i'm so sorry.” Felix finally finds the strength to let out. “I do. I do love you too. I love you so much that it’s all I can think about on most days. I love you so much that whenever I have a hard day I think of you and I feel lighter. I love you, Jinnie. I love you so so.. I love you so much,” Felix lets out desperately, barely breathing.
They’re both sobbing, on the floor. It’s crazy, Felix thinks to himself. When did this get so messed up? Hyunjin sighs, he doesn’t just sound exhausted he sounds drained and Felix wishes he could take Hyunjin’s pain and feel it for his own. They cry into each other’s arms for what felt like forever until they both settled, still on the floor but sitting up straight. Hyunjin was the first to pull away. Felix wants to cry again, but manages to hold it in. He knows they had to talk properly, with lesser emotion clouding their words.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have been better, I would have paid more attention, I just..” Felix lets out.
Hyunjin runs a finger through his hair, “I didn't think paying attention to someone you love needed to be taught, or communicated.”
Felix is silent again. He feels so fucking guilty, it feels like the feeling could swallow him whole.
When Hyunjin sees the look on Felix's face, he can't help but falter. “I get it, you were busy. I told myself that so many times. that it was okay, you were busy and tired. Again, I didn't regret doing anything I did for you. I just… it’s my fault too. I should have told you, you’re right. I should have said something. I just got too caught up with my feelings, most of the time.”
Felix shakes his head, “No, no. I'm sorry. I never want to make you feel unloved ever. The fact that I did.. I wish I could change it all. I'm sorry, baby. You’re everything to me.. I should have noticed someone I love was struggling, I was too caught up with myself and I didn't give back enough.”
Hyunjin lets out an exasperated breath. He’s so tired. “I forgive you.” he lets out.
And Felix feels relief settle in his chest. He smiles a moment, a small smile but it's there. He was so afraid of losing Hyunjin.
“But..” Hyunjin says, “I think.. I think we should break up.”
“What?” Felix feels his world shatter then, can barely comprehend the words that just came out of his boyfr- ex boyfriend’s mouth.
“No I.. Hyung? Hyung, please don’t leave me. I’ll be better, I promise. I promise I will,” Felix desperately pleads, reaching out for Hyunjin, and Hyunjin lets him. Felix believes that's a good sign. good that Hyunjin didn’t pull away. Hyunjin is crying again now.
He loves the smaller boy more than the entire world. But it’s just so exhausting. Everything is so exhausting. He tells himself, reminds himself that love isn’t supposed to be this draining. He feels as though he has given up so much for Felix, and he doesn’t say it to Felix because he knows it’s not Felix’s fault that he chose to not open up when it got too much. He knows that staying with Felix will make him grow subconsciously hostile of his beloved. He tells himself that he would never hold anything he did for Felix against him, until he did.
He doesn’t want that to happen anymore. Doesn’t want to taint his love and memories for Felix more than he already has. He feels the smaller boy’s uneven breathing, hears his sobs and Hyunjin shatters on the inside.
He loves his boy more than the world.
“Do you not love me anymore?” as if on cue, Felix asks, his voice cracking, and his voice sounding so in pain it practically rings in Hyunjin’s ears. He doesn’t want to lie. selfishly doesn’t want Felix to not smile when he thinks of their love story.
“I do,” Hyunjin says, his own voice cracking too. “I love you so much but.. love isn’t supposed to be exhausting, it isn’t supposed to be draining. I know that I've been making you feel drained in the past weeks too, I'm sorry angel. I told myself I would never hurt you again but I did. I'm sorry.”
The younger shakes his head, “Hyung, no. I.. If we love each other, we can make it work. Please I’m not drained, I wasn't, I swear” Felix lies.
“I’m sorry, Felix.” was all Hyunjin could say or else he would have started weeping again.
Felix closes his eyes, hears the certainty in Hyunjin’s voice and tells himself after taking, and taking, this is the first step he needs to take to give back. They’ll come back to each other, Felix reassures himself. He knows they will.
As for Hyunjin, he reminds himself that a golden cage is still a cage. It’s for the best, he tries to convince his heart. He doesn't know who he's lying to.