Work Text:
It's a hazy morning and you sit alone on your unmade bed holding a cup of cold coffee in your small hands
You look down at the coffee stained ceramic and trace the sticky line left by the coffee when it was full with your finger
Everything is quiet and cold and you press your fingers into the bruised skin of your arms
You don't feel anything
You don't hear him coming but you feel it, that heavy, suffocating heat of his
When he walks into the bedroom you don't lift your head, you just keep your eyes on the gross film slowly growing over the surface of your coffee
He comes to stand in front of you and you tighten your hold on your coffee cup
"Mornin' baby girl" he says, all soft spoken
You don't lift your head
He places his hand on the side of your head and smooths your hair
You close your eyes and pull away from his hand
He stills and looks at you, "baby girl"
You stay silent
He slips his hand under your jaw and tips your chin up
He presses his thumb to the split in your chapped lips and runs it over the swollen skin
You keep your eyes closed
He stays silent as he takes the coffee cup from your hands, puts his other hand on your shoulder and softly pushes you back onto the mess of sheets
He moves you so that your whole body is on the bed and he climbs onto the mattress beside you
When you feel him on you you open your eyes and look up at his bleary face
He leans down and softly presses his lips to yours but you don't respond, you just lay there in that mess of a bed looking at nothing as he starts to kiss along your jaw and neck
He's not saying anything but whenever he kisses anywhere on you you feel a dull pain and it takes you a heartbeat before you realize why
He's kissing your bruises
The ones he gave you
He keeps kissing along your collar bone and you try to just stay still and quiet when he moves his other hand to your side
His hands are cold as they touch the bare skin beneath your shirt
You closed your eyes and let everything go numb
It's not until he stops touching you that you come back into focus and feel the sticky liquid paths on your cheeks and realize that you've started crying
You open your eyes and he's looking down at you through a blur of tears
Without a word he moves his hand from under your shirt to your cheek and uses his thumb to wipe the tears from the bruised skin around your eye
"Aw now baby girl what's all this cryin bout?" He asks, tipping his head to the side in questioning
You don't answer you just close your eyes and wait for him to just get on with it already so you can be done with this, you just want to go back to sleep
But he doesn't move
Instead he moves his hand to your jaw and runs his thumb over a dark bruise planted there
The pain you feel is dull
Not like the pain in your chest
"Why you up and gettin your cry on?" He asks
When you don't respond and instead just squeeze your eyes shut against tears you don't know the source of, he runs his thumb under your bruised eye again
"Come on now baby girl, open up them little eyes a yours" he says
"I'm tired" you say softly, lips barely moving
He smiles at you as you open your eyes and he smooths your dirty bed hair away from your face
"I know baby girl, I know" he says
Everything is a haze as somewhere you feel tears trace paths down your sticky cheeks
"You gotta stop this, baby girl" he says, wrapping his fingers around your wrist and running them softly over your scars
You let out a breath of empty laughter, "I would love to"
He tightens his grip on your wrist, "you know that ain't what I be up and meanin"
You curl your fingers into a small fist and glare up at him, "why do you care what I do?"
"Cause, you my girl" he says, brushing the back of his hand against your cheek
You pull away, "don't touch me"
"Oh now why not?" He asks, moving his other hand back to the bare skin on your side and looking at you
You tense and try to push his hand off of you but he doesn't move, "because, you don't give a shit about me"
"Aw now if I didn't give no shits bout your little ass, why would I be up and gettin my ask on" he says
"Because" you say, pulling his hand from your side, "you just want me to shut up and let you do what you want"
He laughs and presses his hand back against your side hard enough to leave bruises, "oh now that ain't up an bein true, I love you girl, always will"
You bite hard on the inside of your cheek, this was pointless, you're more tired than before and all you've done is encourage him, so you take a small breath and close your eyes, it may not stop the tears but it will shut him out
"Oh come on now baby girl, where's that smile?" He asks, moving his thumb to brush the corner of you lips
You stay still and speak softly through the tears gathering on your face, "I don't know"
He takes your wrist and gently pushes down the sleeve of your shirt
He touches the healing scars on your arm and you feel more tears drip from your eyes
He presses his lips to the soft scarred skin and you bite your lip and try to breath
He kiss up your arm to the pulse at your wrist and looks up at you
Without a word he puts his hand to your cheek, "stop your cryin now" he says
When you don't he stops kissing your wrist and looks up at you. "Come on, be a good girl and shut that little mouth a yours"
When you still don't he fists his hand in your hair and you bite your lip to keep from making any noise
You're not going to give him the satisfaction
"I said stop the fuckin cryin" he says, shaking your head roughly by the hair
You let out a shaky breath of laughter, "what, don't want any noise from me?" you ask
He yanks your head back by your hair and you bite your lip hard, "shut the fuck up baby girl"
"Or what, what are you going to do? Do it, I don't care"
"If you be shuttin your pretty little lips then I will"
You look at him hard, "you can't just let me have this, everything you do and you can't just give me that, you can't just let me suffer?"
"I don't want no cryin" he says
"Why? You don't want it to distract you? Sorry, I wouldn't want to get in your way" you ask
"No, it's cause I don't wanna see you sad"
You laugh, "if you don't want to see me sad than you should just do me a favor and kill me"
He bears his teeth and shoves your face roughly to the side
"I told you to fuckin quit it"
"What, be a good girl and I won't get hurt, be a good baby girl and maybe you won't have to hurt me? Well you can hurt me as much as you want, I don't care, but it's not going to change this, nothing is going to change this"
He looks at you for a heartbeat and let's go of your hair letting your face fall so that your bruised cheek is pressed to the sheets
After a heavy silence you reach up with the back of your hand and wipe the tears from your face before turning your face to look up at him
You give him a tired empty smile, "there, all gone, just like you said"
He smiles and wipes at your cheek with his thumb, "that's my good girl" he says
Then he kisses you and he keeps kissing you leaving bruises wherever he touches
His hands move to hold your sides again and his fingers press bruises into your hip bones
He starts to kiss you more and moves on top of you
You're so tired
as his hands move down your sides you close your eyes and as his hands move down to pull your underwear down your bare legs and off your feet you take a breath and let it all go numb
It feels the same as always, hot and suffocating like his breath. Steady like a heartbeat and you distract yourself by listening to the beat of it
You feel a dull pain, a sob building in your chest, an ache in your stomach, a set of teeth pressing into chapped lips. He says he loves you while he's kissing you but you know he doesn't mean it
It was never supposed to be like this
But it is
And there's nothing you can do to change it
So you just keep you eyes closed and your breath slow and bury your face in his shoulder until you feel his hot, burdened breath on your skin saying your name and he holds you painfully tight, digging his fingers into your skin as he shakes against you
Then the heat is gone and everything feels cold and empty. His weight moves off of you and he pats your messy hair, mumbling something about how good you are. You don't care
When you open your eyes he's asleep beside you, sheets pulled up to cover his waist
You look at him like this when he can't say anything or do anything you can almost breath again
Almost
You push yourself up in the sheets and run a hand through your short black hair. You can feel the tiredness in you like cold coffee sludge is running through your veins and the bruises on your eyes are dark
You climb down from the mattress and your bare feet are cold on the dirty carpeted floor
You search the room in the dim pink light until your hand finds your phone
It's 11:30
Still morning
You want to open the blinds but you should let him sleep, maybe you can get out of here before he wakes up
You pad to the bathroom, your feet cold on the sticky damp floor and step into the shower. You rinse off in cold water, as you haven't gotten the hot water heater fixed, and spend those few minutes just staring at the stained shower wall. When you step out of the shower you pull on a pair of underwear with little dragons on them under your shirt and walk out into the kitchen
Outside in the kitchen you head to the coffee maker with your bare feet on the cold peeling linoleum floor
You curl your hands in the sleeves of your shirt and press them to your nose, breathing in the smell of apple juice and fruit loops
It's Dave's shirt, Rose got it for him for their shared birthday, but he lets you wear it, he knows you love it
You pour some coffee grounds into the machine not bothering to clean up the grounds that fall onto the counter and start the machine
While the coffee is brewing you climb up on the stained vinyl counter and push open the window
It's cold outside, it's still morning and around this time of year the city doesn't get warm especially not in the morning
You watch the people riding their bikes and walking with their coffee on the street bellow
You wonder what they're doing, where they're going, what their lives are like
Dave always liked doing this, watching people from the window, Rose too
You used to sit with him and he would talk, go on those ridiculously long metaphorical tangents about the people's lives
The girl in the sweater with the coffee cup is late for her forensic science class in which they basically just watch episodes of Criminal Minds and chill
The boy on the road bike is going to work at the diner and but hes just gonna go sleep in the booth in the corner
The two women in the long dresses are going to the Whole Foods and join a protest about the store being corporate then they're gonna go in and get groceries anyway
You suddenly miss him so much it hurts and you think about what it would feel like to just put all your weight in the empty air and let go
You just want to sleep
So you just watch the people walk and wish that you could be down there with them
But you can't, because the boy sleeping in the other room has you and you can't get out
Do you even want to get out?
Yes
Are your even trying to get out?
Not really
You sigh when you hear the coffee maker beep and stay sitting in the window for a while staring at the people below your feet
There's no telling when Gamzee will wake up and you really don't feel like dealing with him
You've had way too much of him as it is already
Why did you let that happen
Why do you always let that happen
You suddenly feel like you need to take another shower and you're tired of thinking about this already
Without putting much thought into it you jump down from the counter and pull a coffee mug out of the sink
You wash it off and fill it with the watery coffee
You yank the plug from the wall and look go to sit at the kitchen table It smells like rot in here and it makes you sick Theres rotting fruit on the counter and mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, they've been there for a week but you haven't had the energy to clean it up You haven't had the energy to do much of anything Not for a long time All you have the energy to do is sit there at the kitchen table and drink your shitty coffee And so thats what you do, because what else can you do? Nothing