Chapter Text
It technically wasn’t a fight, but all of the same feelings were there. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my throat from things left unsaid, the tears brimming as I fought them from coming down.
His words rang in my ears. “If I’m being honest, no. No, I don’t want you to come.”
It was early April and I hadn’t seen Conrad in six weeks. Steven was at UPenn for the weekend visiting his friend, and my mom was in Boston. With the whole weekend and Steven’s car to myself I had concocted this whole plan to surprise him at school. Rattling in the seat next to me were chocolate covered pretzels he got me when he came to visit for Valentine’s Day. Conrad had been on a chocolate covered pretzel kick ever since our winter weekend at the beach house.
About halfway through the drive I started to second guess myself. What if he was busy? What if he wasn’t even at school this weekend? It’s not like we texted all day every day, or that I even knew his schedule. I didn’t even know where his dorm was. I just typed Brown University into my GPS and left without much of a second thought.
I decided to pick up the phone and call him, thinking it would be enough of a surprise that I was already on my way and that he would cancel any plans, if he had them, to see me.
“Surprise!” I exclaimed when he answered on the fourth ring.
“Belly?” He croaked. It sounded like he had just woken up, which I thought was strange for him since it was 11:00am. But it was a Saturday and he was in college so, maybe not.
“Guess where I’m driving right now?”
“Ummm…” he trailed off. I continued before he could say more.
“I wanted to surprise you but then I realized I don’t know what dorm you’re in so I figured this would be surprise enough, I’m about two hours away.” I said as I glanced at my GPS.
“Wait you’re coming here?” he deadpanned.
“Yes,” I started, trying to keep my voice cheerful as I noted his less than excited tone. “Steven’s friend picked him up for a weekend at UPenn and this is a Susannah weekend so I was going to be all alone.” I explained.
"...plus I miss you.” I added in a sheepish voice.
“Belly…” he sighed. “Why didn’t you ask me about this earlier in the week?”
“I just really thought about it last night…”
“Okay well it’s just… “ he said, “I have a lot to shit to get done this weekend, I have a midterm on Tuesday and a mountain of laundry and I also have this thing tonight-“
“Do you not want to see me?” I interrupted. It was a pathetic thing to ask, but I would rather him just rip the bandaid off.
“You know I do, I just… that’s not where my mind is right now with everything going on and it would be mostly you sitting around my dorm-“
“I wouldn’t mind that.” I just wanted to be near him.
“Well my roommate might.” he snapped. “God, Belly I just wished you had asked me, we could have coordinated a whole weekend and now I just feel like an asshole.”
“It’s fine. You’re not an asshole.” I said tight lipped, tears already burning behind my eyes. “But just to be clear, you don’t want me to come?”
“If I’m being honest, no. No, I don’t want you to come.”
“Okay.” I said. “Have a good weekend.”
“Belly-“ I hung up before he could finish.
So now here I am, somewhere on I-95, tears rolling down my face, feeling stupid. I don’t know why I thought I could surprise him and he would be happy about it. I could barely get him to pick up my phone calls over the past month.
With Susannah’s treatment, she had good weeks and bad weeks, and even though Conrad didn’t go home often, he always heard about them through my mom. She had been talking to Conrad at least once a week since Susannah’s cancer came back.
This must have been an especially bad week, I could hear it in his voice.
When the experimental trial was officially deemed a failure right after Christmas, Susannah almost gave up treatment entirely. We all thought she was going to, Conrad especially, but she didn’t. She kept going to her appointments and my mom started going to Boston every other weekend for support. I often wondered if they had struck some kind of deal.
She had gotten much worse since Christmas but the doctors were hopeful for at least another year. Conrad was having trouble processing, and I understood that. But he was pushing me away and there was nothing I could do.
I let out a muffled sob.
“What the fuck do I do now?” I whispered out loud after collecting myself. I could turn around and go home, but I was already two hours out and the idea of going home to an empty house, up to my room to cry seemed pathetic.
I was about ready to resign and call Taylor to have her meet me at my house with a pint of Phish Food when I looked down at my GPS and saw the next direction: “3 miles to exit 3B towards Boston.”
Boston. I could go to Boston. I mull it over and let out a small sigh. My mom had been bugging me to join her on her weekend visits to Susannah since early March. Apparently Susannah had been asking incessantly. I guessed partly because she wanted to see me and partly because she was desperate for details about me and Conrad. I didn’t have to get confirmation that he didn’t talk about me much, that was just sort of a given.
It’s not that I don't want talk to Susannah about Conrad, there just wasn’t much to tell. After Christmas, when we got the news about the trial, Conrad and I had only seen each other once, on Valentine's Day, and talked on the phone at best once a week. He claims Ivy’s really ramp up the second semester of freshman year.
I also haven't seen Susannah since she had taken this most recent turn. The most selfish part of me wants my last memories to be of her smiling at Christmas dinner, laughing while forcing us kids to take the dreaded group picture, her and my mom drinking wine on the couch watching “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
I can't let that selfish part win. I want new memories with Susannah, while I can still make them.
I pick up the phone and call my mom.
On the third ring it crosses my mind. If am going to Boston, I am going to see him.
Jeremiah.