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Prayer to St. Jude in Times of Suffering
I place myself into your hands at this difficult time. Help me to know that I am not alone. Please pray for me, asking God to send me comfort for my sorrows, bravery for my fears, and healing for my suffering.
Even after everything that had gone down this week, Olivia left the bar, and Captain Curry, feeling a bit lighter.
She enjoyed the prospect of breaking a few rules again like she used to do. She missed going rogue, having someone who would back her play, even when it sounded ridiculous. She loved Fin, but even he was a strong card-carrying member of the Y chromosome club and they had been sniping at each other more often than not lately.
She missed the days of fighting through someone else’s family drama with a steady partner by her side.
She’d taken the compass in her hand and rubbed it between her thumb and forefinger as she was leaving the bar. And maybe it was like saying “Beetlejuice” too many times in a row, but she couldn’t help but think after the fact that maybe the unnecessarily huge (and expensive) talisman around her neck did have special powers.
“Eli?” Olivia said as she saw a boy and a girl leaving the frozen yogurt shop next door to the bar. It’d been quite a few months since she’d seen him but she’d like to think as the first person who ever got to hold him she would have recognized him anywhere.
The boy turned around and a small smile spread on his face when he saw her.
“Hi, Olivia,” he said.
Olivia didn’t miss how he grabbed the girl’s hand and held onto it. Even though she was a detective, it didn’t take serious detective skills to realize he was on a date.
“Um, oh yeah, Olivia this is my girlfriend Becky,” Eli said. “Becky this is, uh, this is my… my dad’s…”
“I’m a friend of the Stablers,” Olivia said, saving the kid from trying to explain just what she was to all of them when she didn’t even know herself. “It’s nice to meet you. Eli, I didn’t know you were in town. I guess it’s been a while since I talked to your dad.”
Eli rolled his eyes. And maybe in a different time, Olivia would have taken offense to that, but not after what he said next.
“I’m not surprised, since he’s always on the phone with work,” Eli said. “You know, Becky and I flew across the country to go to this dinner Uncle Randall was having for Grandma tonight and he spent the whole night on the phone with work, and then rushed out of there. It’s so typical of him.”
Olivia could feel that concerned frown line forming between her eyebrows.
“Well, I do know he just got back from a big case,” Olivia said. “He called me a few weeks ago I’ve just been busy. Haven’t had the time to call him back.”
“That’s the thing,” Eli said. “It’s always a big case for him. It’s like we don’t even exist. He can’t just be present with us. We were all there tonight, Mo and Carl and the boys, the twins, Kathleen, Grandma, Uncle Randall, and Uncle Joe. And he kept leaving the room to make calls. He even knocked Uncle Randall down to get his phone back. Work is always more important.”
That concerned Olivia, because she knew Elliot could get a little rough on the job, even saw him nearly take Dickie to task once in the squad room, but she knew he’d never take down a family member, not even his brother, without a good reason.
“I’m sorry he made you feel that way, Eli,” she said. “I know he loves it when you’re home from school. He just has a hard time showing it.”
Eli sighed.
“I didn’t mean to say all that,” Eli said. “It’s not… it’s not your problem.”
It was true. Elliot wasn’t her problem anymore. They weren’t partners or coworkers. He wasn’t one of her cases. She could do what Fin had told her to do with the McGrath case and just walk away.
And yet…
“Honey, your father, in one way or another, is always going to be my problem,” Olivia said. “Would it make you feel better if I tried to talk to him? I can come back to his place with you, see if I can set him straight.”
“We’re staying at Lizzie’s,” Eli said. “And I don’t even know if Dad’ll be coming home after he ran out on dinner. But thanks for offering, Olivia.”
“Well, you two take care of yourselves and be safe getting back to Lizzie’s,” she said. “And Eli, you know you can call me if you ever want to talk about your dad, or anything else. Anytime.”
Eli nodded.
She exchanged her goodbyes with the kids and walked to her SUV. She slid in and turned the ignition intending to head home.
But somehow she found herself driving over the Queensboro bridge into Long Island City.
As Olivia started walking up the steps to Elliot’s back patio she realized she should have thought this through. She didn’t know what she was going to find on the other side of the sliding glass door. Would Elliot be brawling with his brothers? Bernie crying in the corner and Kathleen desperately trying to keep the peace?
Olivia had been on the opposite side of the Stablers’ door hundreds of times, and always met a different brand of chaos when it opened. Frenzied children running around, a stone-faced and stoic Elliot trying to hold in his emotions, or a crazed Kathy announcing her last straw broke and she was leaving.
This time, Olivia could see what was happening inside from her place on the patio. Elliot was in sweatpants and an undershirt, his back to her. There was an open bottle of whiskey on the island and a full glass in front of him, but he wasn’t making any effort to pick it up. She could see even from the outside that his shoulders and neck were tense, rigid.
With a deep sigh, Olivia knocked on the glass. She saw Elliot tense even further, which she didn’t realize was possible, before he turned around.
When he saw her, a look she couldn’t quite decipher moved across his face. He crossed the room more quickly than she expected and flung the sliding glass door open.
“Olivia,” he said, her name sounding nearly breathy coming out of his mouth.
“Hi, partner,” she said.
She watched Elliot’s eyes dip down and catch sight of the compass.
“That lead you here?” he asked, jutting a thumb at the jewelry.
“Little bit,” she said. “I ran into Eli on my way out of a bar tonight.”
“Eli went to a bar?” Elliot said, his voice ratcheting up a notch as she stepped around him and let herself inside.
“No. He and his girlfriend were coming out of the frozen yogurt shop next door,” Olivia said. “She seems sweet.”
“Yeah, that’s what Randall the asshole said too,” Elliot said. “Since he got to meet her, hell, even know about her long before I ever did.”
“Randall’s the older brother?” Olivia asked, making her way back to the counter where he’d been standing when she walked up.
“Yeah,” Elliot said. “He fucked off to Florida when I was a teenager. Came back for a little while, got married, and then fucked back off to Florida about 20 years ago.”
Olivia nodded and Elliot took his place back in front of the whiskey glass, still not attempting to drink it.
“‘Course that’s always what I thought the story was,” Elliot said. “Turns out Mama kicked him out of the house when he was about 17. I thought he just hated us and left.”
“Oh,” Olivia said, not sure how to respond. She knew, now, about Bernie’s condition, her battle with mood swings and mania all her life. It wasn’t exactly a surprise that she would have done something like that, though it was a bit of a surprise that she’d actually have meant it.
“Randall said,” Elliot started, swallowing thickly. Olivia could see the emotion in his eyes, even though he was looking down at the counter. “He said Dad was beating the crap out of Mama every night, and I was too dumb and stupid to see it.”
With what little Olivia knew about Joe Stabler, she wasn’t surprised. Everything Elliot went through with the Brotherhood a few years ago, the sparse stories she’d heard about his childhood… it all added up.
“Elliot, how old were you when this was all going on?” Olivia asked.
“Thirteen,” he muttered. “I was more interested in football and Kathy than paying attention to what was going on in my own home.”
“You were a child, Elliot,” Olivia said. “Who would have expected you—”
“I should have known, okay?” Elliot roared. “I saw what he was doing and I ignored it. He was drinking a lot. He was suspended from the job for misconduct. He was beating the shit out of me for no reason at all, and I figured if he was taking it out on me that meant Mama was safe. My sisters were gone, moved to Florida together the second they turned 18, Joe wasn’t born yet. I thought as long as he was hitting me she was safe. But I was stupid. I know better than that. I worked SVU for how long? I saw it in action and never wanted to admit what happened right under my nose.”
Olivia would have laughed if the situation wasn’t so dire. How long did she work SVU before she could admit to herself that Burton Lowe wasn’t her first boyfriend, but her rapist?
Elliot sniffed.
“Randall was the one who ratted him out,” Elliot said. “Thought IAB would take care of it. Thought the suspension would make him think about what a shit person he was and all it did was make him angrier. So Mama threw Randall out of the house. All this time I thought he was just an ass who hated us and left. The only reason nobody ever told me is because Mama said she never wanted me to know.”
Olivia took her bottom lip between her teeth before she spoke.
“She wanted to protect you, Elliot,” Olivia said.
“I should have been protecting her,” he yelled. “She didn’t deserve that.”
“None of you did,” Olivia said. “You were her baby at the time. Do you let Eli see half the things going on in your life that are hard for you?”
“Seems like he picks up on all my fuck ups anyway,” Elliot said. “They come out one way or another. In court. At family dinner. He tried to jump off a fucking bridge because he was so worried about what I would think of him. They’re all right. I’m just like my father. No matter what I do to try to stop it, here I am, suspended, alcohol in front of me, my kids afraid of me, my wife blown up and now dead because of me.”
“Elliot,” she said, not bothering to hide the emotion laced there. She pulled the glass across the counter to her side. “How much of this have you had already.”
“I poured it, but couldn’t bring myself to drink any of it because then it would really make me just like him,” he said. “The only difference is there’s nobody here for me to yell at or to hit. Mama went to Kathleen’s, the rest of the kids and my brothers scattered. You should probably go, Liv. If I hurt you, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”
Physically. He must mean physically hurt her because she has ten years of proof that crushing her emotionally wasn’t that hard for him to do.
“What’s this about a suspension?” she asked.
Elliot sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.
“The Los Santos operation,” El said. “I shouldn’t really be telling you, but we’re infiltrating, we had to put the family of one of the boss’ families in WITSEC. Jet, Sam, and Ayanna were guarding the house, Reyes was on surveillance duty, and I was supposed to be on call. But Randall took my phone and told me to get my head out of my ass and show up for dinner.”
Olivia nodded.
“Bobby ended up calling on the landline because the location got compromised and I had to go in for backup,” he said. “Reyes isn’t allowed in the field right now which is another long story. But when I got there, this kid, he had a gun and he pulled it while coming down the stairs. I grabbed for it, but it was too late anyway. He shot Ayanna. And when I grabbed for the gun, he tumbled down the stairs, fractured his skull. He’s just a teenager, Liv. One who lost his dad which is also my fault, and Ayanna got shot in the gut like you did in Ohio and everyone keeps getting hurt and I can’t stop it. And now I’m suspended like the old man and Randall made some comment about me not doing something stupid like he did when he was suspended and he wouldn’t tell me what it was.”
He was rambling now. His PTSD was flaring and she could see it happening before her eyes. She couldn’t help Maddy Flynn. She hadn’t been able to do much for Shay McGrath. But Elliot Stabler? That was a problem she could fix, or at the very least, handle.
Olivia made her way around the island and put her hands on Elliot’s shoulders, turning him to look at her.
“Elliot, I don’t care what your mother, or your brothers, or your kids say. You aren’t your father,” she said. “If anything, you sound like your mother.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked
“You’re trying to protect everyone around you,” she said. “You’ve lost too many people on the job. You lost Kathy. You’ve worried about Eli’s mental health for years. Bernie is declining. I got shot. You’re trying to carry the weight of the world around on your shoulders because you want to protect everyone, but by locking everything inside, all they see is this hardened, distant man.”
Elliot sighed, blinking back tears.
“I can’t let them see how dark it is inside, Olivia,” he said. “They don’t need to see that.”
“I think they do,” she said, bringing her hand up to cup his chin. “It’s always been this way hasn’t it? You refused to take the job home to Kathy and the kids and it caused problems in your marriage. You didn’t speak to your mother for years because there was pain there that you didn’t want her to see.”
“Don’t act like you know what I think or feel,” Elliot said, his voice with a growl-like quality to it.
“I’m the only one you tell, Elliot,” she said. “And I know you. I know you better than anyone, just like you know me. I told you once you know all the parts of me, even the ones I’d rather forget. And maybe that’s not true anymore, but you still know me better than anyone. Know right where to hit, right where to cut, and right where I need you. It’s infuriating but it’s true. And it works both ways.”
That seemed to shut him up.
“You said yourself you wished Bernie hadn’t tried to protect you from what was really going on when you were growing up,” Olivia said. “Maybe it’s time to start being honest with her. With your kids, with your brothers. You don’t have to be the strong one all the time. Sometimes shared grief is the thing that makes you feel less alone.”
The corner of Elliot’s mouth quirked into a smile.
“What?” she asked.
“If I didn’t think you’d slap me I’d call you a hypocrite,” he said. “You take on the weight of the world every day and you lock it all inside.”
“And I go to therapy,” she said. “When was the last time you went?”
Elliot averted his eyes.
“You can’t keep doing this, El,” she said. “You can’t keep running undercover and shutting down in the name of protecting your family.”
“I don’t know if I feel comfortable telling the kids everything that’s going wrong,” he said. “I can’t tell them Jet and Reyes are having an affair. I can’t talk to them about classified cases.”
“Then talk to me,” Olivia said.
“You don’t pick up the phone,” he said with a smirk.
“I’m here now,” she said. “Talk to me now.”
“Only if you talk first,” he said. “How was your week?”
That was a loaded question. But if they were going to move forward, maybe she did have to make the first move.
“How much time have you got?” she asked.
Elliot took her by the hand and led her to the couch.
“I’m suspended,” he said. “I’ve got all the time in the world, partner.”
Olivia took a deep breath.
“Well, a few weeks ago when Noah and I were coming home from Nicky Carisi’s baptism, I saw this girl in the front seat of an energy drink delivery van…”