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Seonghwa couldn’t help staring at himself in the mirror, pulling on his shirt so that it was tighter around his stomach and highlighting how narrow his waist was just a little bit more. He was having a rough day; he’d woken up feeling as though he didn’t belong in his skin again, and the clothes that their stylists had chosen for him that did weren’t exactly helping things.
Most of the time Seonghwa was fine with whatever the stylists chose; he got some say in his stage outfits, which was why he’d been able to wear corsets and clothing that fit a bit more closely more frequently, but he couldn’t always wear what he really wanted. On good days it wasn’t a problem, but on hard days it was a major struggle to get through the day simply because he didn’t feel like himself. And the oversized men’s shirt he’d been put in that day really wasn’t helping his current situation.
It had taken a while for Seonghwa to actually acknowledge what was going on in his brain for himself; he’d already been a debuted Idol by the time that he had accepted that he didn’t fit into one of the standardized boxes for gender, but he was still experimenting with how to actually express that in a way that wouldn’t cause some kind of scandal. While androgynous clothing for Idols was generally well accepted, the fact that he wanted to dress that way all the time and didn’t really feel a connection with male or female pronouns was definitely outside the realm of what was acceptable. He didn’t even know how to address what he was feeling with his friends and family, let alone the rest of the world.
“Hyung… we have to go…” Seonghwa looked up at the sound of Yeosang calling him, forcing a smile and nodding as he started out of the little dressing room and following the other members out to the backstage area where they would get their in-ears and microphones on. “Are you doing okay?” Yeosang asked softly, sticking close to Seonghwa’s side for the moment so that no one else would overhear their conversation.
“I’m fine,” Seonghwa replied, forcing a bigger smile. “We’re going to be late…”
Seonghwa quickly made his way to the backstage area without waiting for Yeosang to respond, grabbing the little transmitters and receivers that were labelled for him and starting to put them onto the back of his pants where they belonged while he waited for the sound techs to help him with the actual cables that he would need for his in-ear monitors and headset mic. He was careful to make sure that everything was on as well as it could be, because the last thing he wanted was for something to fall off mid-performance. While they all knew what to do in that situation, it was more of a stressor than he really needed at that moment.
“You good, Hwa?” Hongjoong asked, as the leader came over to him while the tech was helping him tape the wiring for his monitors to the back of his neck so that he would be able to find them again easily if they fell out mid-stage.
“I’m fine…” Seongwa began, glancing in the direction that Hongjoong had come from and realizing that Yeosang was standing over there. “Did Sangie say something?”
Hongjoong glanced back towards the younger man for a brief moment before he responded. “He said you looked kind of sad…” the leader began. “Is something going on? Do you need anything?”
Seonghwa sighed. “I’ll be fine… it’s just a tough day,” Seonghwa replied. He wanted to shake his head, but he couldn’t really move at that moment because of the person taping wires to the back of his neck.
Hongjoong nodded, although the younger man didn’t completely seem convinced. “Okay… we’ll talk later, right?”
“I’m fine,” Seonghwa replied; the last thing he wanted was to agree to a conversation with the leader, when he really wasn’t sure that he wanted to talk about what was going on in his head.
“We’ll talk later,” Hongjoong reiterated, grabbing Seonghwa’s hand for a moment and squeezing it gently. Seonghwa knew that it was supposed to be supportive and comforting, but somehow the leader’s promise felt more threatening than anything else in that moment. Still, Seonghwa took a deep breath and gave the younger man a slight nod as he put his headset on and began to put in his monitors for their camera rehearsal.
Seonghwa couldn’t really pay attention properly as they performed; he had already been struggling because he was uncomfortable with how he looked, but knowing that Hongjoong and Yeosang were both worrying about him and that he would have to talk to Hongjoong about something when they got back to the dorm made it impossible for Seonghwa to really focus on what was happening around him. Thankfully the whole song was down to muscle memory at this point - between the days worth of practices on each song, and the fact that they had already performed at least a few dozen times since the comeback had dropped, Seonghwa could have easily done the whole song in his sleep. The only real issue was that he needed to be following the cameras for the sake of knowing where to look in the final run, and he was having a hard time keeping track of the red light that was supposed to indicate which camera he needed to be looking at during his parts.
“NG!” Seonghwa winced slightly as the show’s director called out that there was a problem with their rehearsal, knowing that he was at least a part of the problem. “Reset from the beginning… Seonghwa-ssi, you need to track the camera so that you aren’t caught off-guard when your turn starts!”
“Joesonghamnida,” Seonghwa replied, bowing to the staff for a moment before he moved back to his starting position with the other guys. It had been bad enough when he’d known for himself that he was part of the problem with their first run, but the fact that he was the only one called out for the restart wasn’t helping his current situation.
“It’s okay, hyung… you’ll get it this time,” Yunho commented softly, squeezing Seonghwa’s shoulder for a brief moment as they reset to start again.
Seonghwa took a deep breath as the music started again, finding the right camera and forcing himself to stay focused despite the fact that he wanted to crawl out of his skin at that moment. He’d already been feeling uncomfortable, but now that he was sure everyone was keeping an eye on him Seonghwa felt as though he wanted to just run away from it all.
The second practice run made it all the way to the end, thankfully, and the director seemed much happier with everything by the time they finished. Seonghwa wasn’t happy with his dancing; he knew that he’d made some mistakes in the dance during the second run, although it seemed as though the staff weren’t really aware of the minor errors he’d made. “Much better… let’s run it one more time to make sure it’s locked in before the recording.”
Seonghwa nodded, moving back to his spot and doing his best to take a few deep breaths to keep himself calm while they ran the song for a third time. He just needed to get through one more rehearsal, and then they could do their prerecording and he would finally be able to get out of the outfit that had started everything.
The run was going a lot better, and despite his discomfort Seonghwa was pretty happy with how well he was staying focused and performing the song. But Seonghwa didn’t notice the floor tile that had come loose, until he felt his legs sliding one way while his upper body went the other. He tried to catch himself, but Seonghwa couldn’t get his feet under him again and he slammed into the floor before he was even able to put a hand out to catch himself.
Seonghwa couldn’t get oxygen into his lungs for a moment as he lay on the floor, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling as the pain began to radiate through his chest and arm. It hurt, and he could feel tears starting to well up in his eyes as he was finally able to force oxygen back into his lungs. The music stopped abruptly, and Seonghwa opened his eyes to see all of his members kneeling down over him. “Aish… hyung, are you okay?” Wooyoung asked.
Pain shot through Seonghwa’s left shoulder as someone took his hand to try and help him up. “Fuck… don’t…’ Seonghwa began, closing his eyes and trying to breathe through the pain.
“What even happened?” Jongho asked.
“The floor broke… it went sliding with him on it and he couldn’t stop himself from falling,” Yunho explained. “He landed pretty hard on his shoulder…”
The pain finally subsided enough that Seonghwa could open his eyes again as several staff members arrived around them. Seonghwa could see Hongjoong turning to talk to them and tell what he knew about what was happening. “Hyung… let me look at your shoulder…” Yeosang commented softly, as the younger man started to unbutton Seonghwa’s shirt carefully. It wasn’t comfortable, but it at least wasn’t as painful as Wooyoung’s attempts to get him up from the ground a moment earlier. Yeosang pushed Seonghwa’s shirt back gently, wincing as he saw something that he clearly didn’t like. “Jongho-yah… go tell Hongjoong-hyung we need them to call an ambulance…”
“What?” Seonghwa asked, confused.
“Stay still, hyung,” Yeosang began, putting a hand on Seonghwa’s good shoulder. “It looks like your collarbone might be broken… we don’t want you to move the bones out of place if that’s the case.”
***
Seonghwa opened his eyes as he felt someone stroking a hand through his hair, smiling slightly as he realized that it was Hongjoong standing next to the bed. The leader wasn’t known for giving out physical affection freely, and Seonghwa always appreciated it when the younger man was willing to step out of his comfort zone a little in order to make any of the members feel just a little bit better. “Hey…” Seonghwa began. “You’re here…”
“I came as soon as we were able to finish filming,” Hongjoong replied, smiling down at him. “How are you feeling?”
“Numb,” Seonghwa replied, letting his eyes close for a brief moment. “They gave me some really good pain meds that knocked me out for a while. But I don’t really remember a lot…”
“I’m not surprised… the pain meds the paramedics gave you knocked you out before you even left the stage,” Hongjoong replied, stroking his hand down Seonghwa’s cheek. “Do you remember what happened?”
Seonghwa had to think for a moment before he could really answer the question. “The stage floor broke… I slipped,” Seonghwa replied. “I didn’t hit my head, but it knocked the air out of my lungs and my shoulder was killing me…”
“Your collarbone broke when you fell,” Hongjoong explained. “It wasn’t too displaced, thankfully - even after Woo-yah tried to help you up without realizing you were hurt. The doctor said they’re going to have you in a sling for a few months to immobilize it while it heals, but if things don’t start to heal in the next couple of weeks you may need surgery.”
“So… I’m out,” Seonghwa replied softly. The thought made him feel sick to his stomach; that was the last thing Seonghwa wanted at that moment.
“You need to take time off, so that you can heal,” Hongjoong replied. “With the amount of pain you were in, I can’t even imagine that you would be able to even attempt to dance…”
“We have two weeks left of promotions… I can sit…” Seonghwa began.
“And you’re going to spend that time resting, not working.” Seonghwa looked up as he realized that a doctor had walked into the curtained area surrounding his bed while he spoke. “Your clavicle needs time to heal… and that’s going to take at least two months, under perfect circumstances. If the bones were to move out of place, we would start the clock over again after surgery…”
“I’m an Idol…” Seonghwa began.
“And you can take a hiatus, just like Mingi-yah and Jongho-yah have,” Hongjoong interrupted. “It isn’t the end of the world, Hwa… you’ll take some time off, go home to spend some time with your family, and then come back when you’re closer to being healed so that you can start getting back into the swing of things before you’re ready to come back for real.”
Seonghwa felt sick at the idea of going home. He knew that Hongjoong meant well, but the younger man didn’t know just how difficult Seonghwa’s relationship had become with his parents over the past few years. Instead of responding, he simply looked down at his lap silently.
The doctor didn’t seem to be aware of Seonghwa’s discomfort with the whole situation, as the man continued to talk about what was happening. “I want to keep you here overnight, to make sure that your pain is being managed properly,” the doctor continued. “I don’t know how far away your hometown is, but it would be best if you stayed in Seoul at least for the first week or two, so that we can monitor how you’re healing. If things are going well, we can discuss letting you travel home after that.”
Seonghwa nodded slightly, letting his eyes close as he felt the exhaustion starting to set in again. “Okay… thank you,” Seonghwa commented.
“I’ll leave you alone for now, but someone should be in soon to take you upstairs for the night…” the doctor began.
“Is there a way to request a private room?” Hongjoong asked.
“Your manager already put that request in for him. We’re just waiting for a room to be ready at this point,” the doctor replied.
“Thank you,” Hongjoong commented, taking Seonghwa’s free hand and squeezing it gently. There was a brief moment of silence, before Hongjoong spoke to him again. “Are you falling asleep on me?”
“I’m tired…” Seonghwa began.
Hongjoong hesitated for a moment, before he squeezed Seonghwa’s hand again. “We still need to talk about what was going on earlier…” the leader began.
Seonghwa took a deep breath, forcing his eyes open and turning to look at the man. “I can’t even use being injured to get out of that one?” he asked.
“I’m worried about you, Hwa,” Hongjoong replied. “You weren’t yourself before we started that rehearsal. You were distracted, and then you fell and got really seriously hurt…”
Seonghwa sighed, wincing as the movement sent a twinge of pain through his shoulder. “It doesn’t even matter… it was a bad day, and it’s not like it can get any worse…” Seonghwa began.
“Hwa…” Hongjoong began.
“I’m not going to talk about it, Joong,” Seonghwa replied. “It’s not important…”
“You got hurt…”
“It had nothing to do with that,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head and forcing his eyes open again. “I was focused during that run… it was a freak accident, and it could have been any of us. I was just the one with shitty luck today.”
Hongjoong sighed audibly. “This isn’t over…”
“You can’t force me to talk, Joong-ah,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head gently. “I get that you’re the captain, and I respect that position. But that doesn’t mean that you just automatically get to know things that I don’t want to talk about.”
Hongjoong was silent for a moment, taking in Seonghwa’s words. “You’re right… I’m not automatically entitled to know anything,” the younger man replied. “But I would hope that you would understand why I’m hesitant to let this drop… something is hurting you, and you’re one of my best friends. You’re a huge part of the reason that I’ve kept going, even when things have been difficult. I’d like to be able to be there for you, the same way you’ve always been there for me.”
Seonghwa sighed, closing his eyes again. “This… it’s not at all the same,” he replied softly. “I can’t do this right now, Joong-ah. I promise that I’ll tell you about it someday, but right now that just isn’t something I’m ready for yet.”
“Just… promise me that you’re safe,” Hongjoong replied. “Promise me that it isn’t something dangerous - that you aren’t hurting yourself, or wanting to hurt yourself.”
“I don’t want to hurt myself, or anyone else,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head. “It’s… I’m safer with it being a secret than I would be if people knew.”
Hongjoong squeezed Seonghwa’s hand gently. “You would be safe with me knowing, whatever it is,” Hongjoong reassured. “I’m not going to push you right now… but I also can’t say that I’m going to drop it, because what you just said worries me, too. But I can wait.”
***
“I’m going to run to the pharmacy to pick up your prescription… do you need anything else?” The manager that had been sent to pick him up from the hospital put down the bag that held all of Seonghwa’s belongings from the previous day’s trip to the television studio, glancing at his phone as he did so.
“I’ll be fine,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head. “They gave me a dose of painkillers before I left the hospital, so I’ll probably just sleep.”
The manager nodded curtly, firing off a text message to someone. “Right… I’ll bring some lunch when I come back, too. Don’t try to do anything you aren’t supposed to do while I’m gone, okay?”
Seonghwa nodded, grabbing his bag with his good hand to head back to his room so that he could lay down and get some rest while the rest of the group was out for the day. He’d spent his morning being shown how to get in and out of the brace and sling combination that had been prescribed to immobilize his shoulder without injuring himself further, as well as getting instructions on how to do some very minimal physical therapy exercises to keep his elbow moving freely so that he wouldn’t have issues when it was time to start proper therapy on his shoulder.
Seonghwa couldn’t help smiling as he walked into his room and realized that someone had thought of him before the rest of the group had left for the morning. There was a water bottle, with the cap just resting on top so that nothing would get into it, on the table next to his bed and San’s favorite plush, Shiber, tucked into the corner of Seonghwa’s bed. Someone had even turned down the bedding, and added a couple of extra pillows so that Seonghwa could position them under his injured arm to help keep it still. It brought tears to Seonghwa’s eyes, as he realized that his members had taken the time to think of him even though they were incredibly busy because of promotions and needing to re-do their stages to accommodate the fact that Seonghwa wasn’t going to be back for quite a while.
It took Seonghwa a while to get the bed set up properly, so that he could lay down without worrying about his shoulder getting damaged as he slept. He was exhausted by the time he finally managed to get himself into the bed, adjusting everything around him until he was comfortable enough to finally fall asleep.
Waking up to someone placing an ice pack on his shoulder was a bit of a shock, but he was thankful when he realized that it was San leaning over him. “Sorry, hyung… the managers said that you would need to ice your shoulder so that it doesn’t swell quite as badly,” the younger man commented. “How are you feeling?”
“It’s starting to hurt a little,” Seonghwa admitted. “What time is it?”
“Lunch time… they let us do everything in prerecording instead of having live shots, so that you wouldn’t have to be alone all day today,” San replied. “It was a good thing, anyway… Woo’s getting another migraine, so he went to lay down in his own bed for a while until the meds can work.”
Seonghwa nodded slightly. “He needs to take it easy…” Seonghwa began.
“I could say the same about you,” Hongjoong commented, from the doorway of Seonghwa’s room. “Sannie, can you go help the other guys get lunch set up while I talk to Hwa for a minute?”
San looked a little confused by what was going on, and the younger man glanced between Seonghwa and Hongjoong for a moment. “Is something wrong…?” San asked, hesitating to do what Hongjoong had asked.
“There’s nothing wrong… I just need to talk to Hwa for a minute,” Hongjoong replied, shaking his head.
“It’s fine, Sannie,” Seonghwa added, as he used his good hand to help himself sit up a bit more. “We’ll be out in a few minutes.” Seonghwa grabbed the ice pack that had slid down into his lap, repositioning it in the appropriate place so that it could actually do him some good. The ice actually helped a bit with the pain, and Seonghwa knew that it would be good for the swelling that he had been dealing with. San finally nodded, heading out of the room despite the fact that he still looked extremely confused by the whole situation.
Hongjoong shut the door behind the younger man, before he moved to sit in Seonghwa’s desk chair. He scooted the chair closer, so that Seonghwa could actually see him without having to strain his neck. “I asked Yeosang-ah about what was happening when he said you looked sad… and he was telling me that you were looking in the mirror, pulling your shirt so that it was tight around your waist…”
Seonghwa didn’t say anything, trying to avoid Hongjoong’s eyes. He couldn’t help feeling embarrassed by the whole situation; Seonghwa had hoped to never end up in a situation where he was caught in the midst of one of those moments, and yet here he was. “Hwa… if you need to talk to someone…” Hongjoong began.
“Talking about it isn’t going to help anything,” Seonghwa sighed, closing his eyes. “It isn’t going to change anything…”
“You’ve seen how well Mingi-yah is doing with therapy… I’m sure that they could help you…” Hongjoong began.
“You don’t even know what the problem is, Joong-ah,” Seonghwa began.
“Only because you won’t tell me,” Hongjoong countered. “I feel like it’s pretty obvious that there’s something going on… but you’re already so thin, Hwa. You don’t need to lose weight, or whatever it is that you’re thinking…”
Seonghwa opened his eyes at that, shaking his head. “That’s not… it has nothing to do with my weight, or anything like that,” Seonghwa replied.
Hongjoong looked confused. “Then… what’s going on?”
“I’m still not ready to talk about it,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head. “I was having a hard day, and it’s just something that I have to deal with…”
“Why?” Hongjoong interrupted. “Why do you have to deal with it? Why can’t you just let someone help you?”
“Because I’m already not welcome at home,” Seonghwa replied, sighing. “The last time I talked to my parents, appa told me that I wasn’t allowed to stay in their house unless I stopped dressing the way I do… that he doesn’t want to see me, if I’m just going to keep going out in public dressed like a woman…” Seonghwa took the deepest breath he could manage at that moment, closing his eyes. “I can’t… if my own parents can’t love me like this, then why would I think that anyone would?”
Hongjoong was quiet for a moment, before he finally spoke up in a whisper as he took Seonghwa’s hand. “Hwa… do you… do you feel like a woman?” Hongjoong asked softly.
Seonghwa took a deep breath, squeezing Hongjoong’s hand tightly. “I… sometimes,” Seonghwa replied, before he shook his head. “I mean, I don’t hate my body, or being masculine at times… sometimes that’s what feels right, instead of the corsets and stuff. It’s so complicated…”
Hongjoong twined their fingers together, squeezing Seonghwa’s hand back. “Do you think you might be trans?” Hongjoong asked.
“No,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head slowly. He sighed. “I’m… I’m not a woman… but I also don’t really feel like I’m a man, either. It’s like… it’s like I’m somewhere in between. And it’s not always the same place in between… like today I don’t really feel all that strongly one way or another, but yesterday I was really deep in the more feminine side of my brain and the clothes…”
Seonghwa trailed off, still not looking up at the leader. “The clothes yesterday were too masculine, and you didn’t feel comfortable in them,” Hongjoong provided. Seonghwa nodded to confirm the other man’s suspicions. “But the corsets, and the more feminine styling… that makes you more comfortable?”
“It’s easier,” Seonghwa replied, nodding. “I feel more comfortable in those clothes, even when I don’t really feel particularly feminine that day. It just feels easier to make adjustments, to make myself comfortable, in clothes that are more feminine.”
Hongjoong nodded. “Okay.”
Seonghwa couldn’t help feeling a little confused by the fact that Hongjoong was just… accepting his words. “You’re not… that doesn’t upset you at all?” Seonghwa asked, still a little surprised. “I mean, we’re in a boy group, but I just told you that I don’t always feel like I’m male…”
Hongjoong shook his head. “Why should that upset me?” Hongjoong asked. “Hwa… I respect you. I care about you. How you identify - gender, sexuality, whatever - isn’t something that’s going to upset me. It’s not illegal to not be cis…”
“My parents don’t even know as much as you know, but they’ve said I’m not welcome at home just because I wear more feminine clothes and let my hair grow long…” Seonghwa began, interrupting the other man. He could feel tears starting to well up in his eyes at the thought. “How is it possible that other people can accept me like this, if my own parents can’t?”
Hongjoong sighed, squeezing Seonghwa’s hand again. “I can’t speak for your parents… and I can’t make them understand what an amazing person you are,” the leader began. “What I can tell you is that you will always have a family. You’ll always have me. And I’m sure that the rest of the guys would say the same, if you wanted to tell them. Blood doesn’t make a family, Hwa. Love does. And we’re your family, no matter what.”
***
“You’re sure that you want to do this?” Hongjoong asked, leaning against the door of Seonghwa’s room after he’d gathered the rest of the group in the living room of the apartment Seonghwa, San, and Mingi shared. While Seonghwa had shared what was going on with his gender identity with the leader a few days earlier, he hadn’t really worked up the courage to talk about it with the other members yet.
Seonghwa took a deep breath. “I need to do this,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head. “I just… now that you know, I don’t feel right not telling everyone.”
“You don’t have to tell the other guys anything that you aren’t comfortable with sharing with them, Hwa… no one is going to be upset with you for keeping something personal to yourself, “ Hongjoong reassured.
“You wouldn’t feel upset, if you found out that one of the other members told me something but didn’t feel comfortable confiding in you, too?” Seeonghwa asked.
“I would feel upset with myself, that they didn’t feel comfortable enough to share with me,” Hongjoong admitted. “But that’s more about the fact that I’m the captain, and it’s my job to be there for everyone in the group - not the fact that I think everyone should know everything about every one of the members…”
“I know that you said everyone in the group would understand and love me anyway… I just feel like at this point I need to just know, you know?” Seonghwa replied. “I want to be honest with everyone else.”
Hongjoong nodded, sighing. “Okay… I’ll support you, if this is what you really want to do,” the leader replied.
Seonghwa slowly got up from his desk chair, heading out of the room and into the living room with Hongjoong following close behind him. “Hyung… is something wrong? Why do you need to talk to all of us together?” Wooyoung asked, the moment the younger man could see the two of them coming down the hallway.
“Everything’s fine,” Seonghwa replied, smiling at the younger man as he moved to sit down on the sofa, carefully nestling himself between his roommates.
“Okay… so then why do we all have to sit down and talk about something?” San asked.
Seonghwa took a deep breath, closing his eyes before he started to explain. “I need to tell you guys something…” Seonghwa replied, looking down at his lap. “I’m… I don’t really feel like a man most of the time. I’m not trans - I’m definitely not a woman - but I’m kind of somewhere in-between the two…”
The room was uncomfortably silent for a moment, before Jongho spoke up. “So… does it make you upset when we call you hyung?” the maknae asked.
“No… no, I’m not telling you guys this because I need you to change something,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head. “I just… I told Joong-ah, and I just felt like it wasn’t right to keep it from the rest of you now that he knows…”
“So… are you okay?” San asked softly. “I mean… is there a reason why you felt like you needed to tell all of us right now?”
“You’re not going to leave us, are you?” Wooyoung added, looking extremely concerned by the prospect of Seonghwa not staying with the group.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Seonghwa replied, shaking his head. “I just… I don’t have my family any more. My parents don’t want me to come home, because they don’t like the way I’ve been dressing and presenting myself. They don’t even know who I am…” Seonghwa stopped at that, forcing himself to take a deep breath before he began to cry about the situation. “I just… I need to know that you guys aren’t going to leave me because of this…”
“Why would we ever leave you, hyung?” Yunho asked. “We’ve been together for years now… I can’t imagine not being friends with all of you, after everything we’ve been together.”
“You’re always going to be our hyung… that doesn’t change just because you don’t always identify yourself as a guy,” Yeosang added. “Like… it matters because it’s part of who you are. But it’s not something that’s going to change how any of us feel about you.”
“It’s okay with you guys?” Seonghwa asked.
“There’s not a single person in this room who is going to hate you for telling us who you really are, hyung,” Mingi commented.
“I’d give you a hug to prove that I still love you, but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be a good idea right now,” Wooyoung commented, nodding towards the sling and brace that was still holding Seonghwa’s shoulder still. “Speaking of which, how are you feeling? We’ve been trying to give you some peace and quiet, so that you can rest…”
“I feel a lot better now that I have that off my chest,” Seonghwa admitted. “The shoulder doesn’t hurt that much as long as I keep it still… I’m taking the painkillers on the schedule still because they’re supposed to help with the swelling and inflammation, but I really only need them for the pain at night…”
“When do you go back to the doctor?” Yeosang asked.
“They’re going to do new X-rays tomorrow… if everything looks okay, then I’ll just have to wait another week for the next set of X-rays before they decide if it’s actually healing,” Seonghwa replied. “I’ll have to start physical therapy at some point, but I’m not sure when that will happen…”
“So… you’re going to be staying here through all of that, then, right?” Mingi asked. “I mean, the company isn’t going to make you leave the dorm, are they?”
“I haven’t talked to them about staying yet,” Seonghwa admitted, shaking his head. “I think… I think their plan is that I’ll go home to do physical therapy once I’m cleared to travel by the doctors… but I haven’t talked to them about the fact that I can’t actually go home…”
There was a moment of silence, before Mingi spoke up. “I mean, this is your home… and it’s not like my hiatus, where we didn’t know when I was going to come back,” the younger man began. “I don’t see why you couldn’t stay, especially since you’d be able to do the non-physical stuff before your shoulder fully heals. It’s not like you’d have to be completely off work while you’re healing… you’d still be able to sing or rap, so you could sit and still perform…”
“I don’t know if the company would want me to do that…” Seonghwa began.
“Why wouldn’t they want to let you participate in whatever you’re able to do?” Yunho asked. “Atiny love you… it would be so much easier for us to have you sit for whatever performances we might have while you’re recovering, once your shoulder is stable, than to try and have us take your place. I know that we have a decent amount of overlap in all of our skills, but it’s still not easy to cover for each other when someone has to be out for some reason. It’ll be easier on everyone if you don’t have to miss any more than is really necessary.”
“I don’t think we really have to figure it all out right now,” Hongjoong commented. “The important thing is that you know that we’re all on your side here, Hwa. No one is angry with you… we don’t really mind that you chose to keep your gender identity a secret until now, and none of us are upset with you or judging you about it. We care about you… and that’s what’s really important right now.”
Seonghwa nodded, smiling at the others. “Thank you, guys. It means a lot.”