Chapter Text
"Do you think I'll see my mom again?"
"I'm sorry."
Tobias Hankel took his last breath, his eyes glazing over as Spencer's filled with tears.
Distantly, he could hear his team's footsteps coming closer, the calls of his name slowing and coming to a stop. He paid them no mind. His attention was fixed on the eyes of the serial killer, who had kidnapped, tortured, and even killed him; but also the eyes of a scared, traumatised boy who needed help.
Spencer's help.
Tobias died, and the last scraps of Spencer's innocence and his promise to save them both began to rot.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered again, he had to force the words from his hoarse throat, but once they left him, it was as if they were the blood pouring slowly from Tobias' chest (onto Spencer's hands, the warmth making him want to throw up), they kept coming out of him. “I'm so sorry- I didn’t want to,” he repeated like a mantra; as if it would bring back the man slowly cooling under his bloody hands, as if that was something he could confidently say he wanted.
He was so focused on forcing these apologies out his mouth that he forgot about the flashlights moving towards him, he flinched back when he felt Hotch’s hand rest on his shoulder, it probably wasn’t noticeable - he didn't have enough energy to move much.
That had been one of the worst things, when he had lost the energy to fight, flinch, or scream. When he’d have to sit quietly and take it because he couldn’t do anything else. He pulled his mind back to the present as much as the similar feeling made him want to sob.
He felt, more than saw the sheriff move to the other side of Tobias’ body, checking for a pulse he wouldn't find. He thinks Prentiss is with him too but he can't be sure. He ignored them. Spencer closed Tobias’s eyes and tried to make him look peaceful. It would've worked if not for the blood covering Spencer's hand, staining the man's eyelids when Spencer touched them, making him move his hands away with a flinch and letting the eyes fall open again. It shouldn't have been this bloody. It was one shot - oh it was his blood too.
He didn't want Tobias's blood on his hands, but didn't let himself wipe it on his clothes- Spencer had murdered him, he should have to feel it.
He killed him- he had only tried to help Spencer, and he had shot him-
“Reid?” Had Hotch been speaking to him?
"Spencer?" He turned, despite how his vision blurred, and blinked as if to acknowledge his unit chief's words.
This didn’t feel real.
He was dead.
He had died.
This wasn’t happening.
He had died in that shed, he knows he had. Maybe he was still in the grave Charles had buried him in. He could have easily hallucinated being taken out.
“Can you stand?” Why did Hotch's voice sound so muffled? Was it the dirt Spencer was convinced he was still buried under clogging his ears?
Reid nodded, although he secretly had his doubts.
Lying is a sin.
Hotch slowly, gently stood up while holding Spencer's arm, Spencer followed suit (definitely not after subtly pulling two bottles out from Tobias's jacket, because where would he have even learned to pickpocket?). He could feel Emily’s hand on the small of his back, also helping him up. He felt so weak.
Fuck, his ribs.
Instantly, he toppled over, he would have fallen flat on his face if Hotch hadn’t been there to grab him and pull Spencer to his side. He felt warm and Spencer felt a bit more like he was alive and not buried six feet under.
“Sorry, i-”
“It's okay.” This was the most gentle Reid had ever heard Hotch's voice, it made him want to cry.
No, he wasn’t weak.
Yes, he was,
Lying is a sin.
“Are you alright?” Spencer wanted to laugh, but he didn't want to look insane so he just nodded again.
“I knew you’d understand.” It was partly a question, he needed to know Hotch knew he was just saying that as a clue, and he also needed to know this was real.
Hotch answered by pulling Spencer in for a hug.
"I understood," he confirmed, he whispered in Spencer's ear so the others couldn't hear him, Spencer was grateful; he was happy to let the team think his earlier statement had been just that - a statement. To let them think he had known he would be saved.
The embrace wasn’t tight, thankfully, his ribs couldn't handle that.
For a moment he felt real, he felt almost safe.
JJ.
JJ screaming.
JJ and the dogs.
“Is JJ alright?” Spencer asked, still in Hotch's arms, he couldn't tell if he could hear his muffled question.
“Yes.” In addition to this answer, Hotch slowly guided the man out of his arms and towards JJ, oh. He hadn't noticed her there before, actually aside from Hotch and Emily, he hadn't fully registered anyone standing around them. He felt selfish for not thinking of JJ earlier. He also felt very watched.
He hated that. He had felt permanently watched the last...however long he had been there. He would ask later - or he wouldnt, he supposed it didn't matter.
JJ pulled him into a hug and he grimaced as she held too tight, she was worried?
“I’m so sorry?” Huh?
“What? No this is my fault I am so sorry JJ, I am so so sorry.” He realized that most of what he had said since killing Tobias had been apologies. That made sense, sorry, is basically the only word to describe what he was feeling, sorry and scared.
Hurt too maybe, but the adrenaline rush hadn't worn off from his little escape (if this was all real) so the pain wasn't too bad yet.
JJ was still hugging him, she apologized again, seemingly ignoring what he had said.
“It's okay, it's alright.” he comforted her, she didn't say she forgave him. He'd have to apologize again later- provided he didn't die in this graveyard, he might by the time they get through this hug he thinks as he feels JJ tighten her grip instead of letting go.
Oh- he was disgusting right now, covered in dirt and blood and God knows what else.
He pulled back, JJ kept her grip on his arms so he did the same,
“You'll get your clothes dirty,” he explained. He thought JJ might agree, or laugh but she teared up instead. Shit.
“Sorry,” he said again.
“Stop apologizing,” she murmured, albeit somewhat hysterically, he didn't know what else to do so he stayed quiet.
He felt tingly and dizzy. He didn't feel as Gideon put his hand on his arm and JJ reluctantly let go.
He wished Gideon would hug him. He had before why not now?
He just nodded, as if Spencer knew what that meant. He wanted to scream at him to explain, but he just nodded back, resisting the urge to grab onto the man he considered his father and hide his face in his chest like a child.
“Let's get you out of here,” he said, voice as gentle as it had been when Spencer was younger, and Reid nodded, he got about two steps with Gideon holding onto him before he realized he wasn't going to be able to do this.
He had a broken ankle, easily, his feet felt like they had been skinned and his ribs were hurting every time he breathed, maybe his adrenaline rush was wearing off?
He felt so seen, everyone was probably watching him; that's why he felt somewhat relieved when he noticed the black spots dancing in his vision. He was about to pass out, he logically knew that wasn't a good thing but if it would stop him feeling so watched (sto him feeling anything) he would appreciate it. He turned to look at Tobias one last time, silently apologizing again, before tugging lightly on Gideon's sleeve like a child getting their parent's attention.
“I think I'm gonna pass out.” his voice was weak even to his own ears, he noticed the telltale signs of Gideon's worry even though his face remained blank to anyone else. He wondered if Morgan heard him as he felt his hand going to Spencer's back just as his vision darkened.
He heard JJ yelp as he felt himself start to fall, luckily he assumed it would be into Morgan or Gideion's arms so he wouldn't further injure his head.
His last thought was that he hoped the vials in his pockets were safe.