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Chan is astounded at how familiar can become home in such a short amount of time.
The first time he saw Felix, gold chains on and baby fat still clinging to his cheeks, he knew that he had to debut with him. When he picked Felix for Stray Kids, that was the first time he felt like he was getting slowly eaten alive. He picked him because he was greedy, he liked him. The guilt only grew when he realized exactly how much he liked him.
Talking to Felix had always been the easiest thing in the world. Even when he was harsh on him during practice, it was still Chan who Felix would come to with his struggles. He was so familiar. Familiar accent, familiar eyes, the familiar smell of boy in their room.
He didn’t like seeing him kiss Changbin. Even on the cheek, it just felt…wrong. Chan had come to terms with his sexuality a long time ago, sixteen years old with both male and female trainees. He didn’t like it because they are two guys or anything homophobic. He didn’t even care because it was his group members. Any of the others could kiss or do literally anything and he wouldn’t care.
It was Felix.
He didn’t want Felix kissing anybody.
Anybody but him.
He realized that then and there, and immediately squashed it down. He had already been greedy enough by picking Felix, he could never allow himself to be so selfish. He had people depending on him now.
It’s been 2 years, and everything is different.
They’re a member down, which is honestly for the better. Their first full album absolutely blew up, and their hard work is finally starting to pay off. Minho and Jisung came to him, telling him they’re together.
He told them he was happy for them and he’ll protect them any way he can.
Felix is different.
Right now his hair is getting long, silver and cut in a mullet. He pulls it off though, he pulls everything off. His baby fat is gone from his cheeks and he’s excelling as an idol, going viral all the time.
Things are different but some things have stayed the same. All eight of them still have movie nights when they can, Chan still stays up till ungodly hours of the night. Felix is still the goofiest person he’s ever met and they’ve grown even closer with time. He’s still one of his best friends. And Chan is still in love with him.
He falls harder every single day. Everytime they record, everytime Felix curses as he loses a video game, everytime Felix crawls into his bunk just to be close to Chan.
Chan can feel when it’s gonna be one of those nights. Chan will be up already courtesy of his insomnia, Changbin will be snoring loudly under him, and Felix will toss and turn in his bed.
Tonight is one of those nights.
“Chris?”
“C’mere, Lix.”
Felix tosses his covers off, climbing up to where Chan has already moved the blankets over and opened his arms for him.
Felix melts into his embrace, inhaling deep where his nose buries into Chan’s neck. “M sorry-“
“You’re okay, Lixie.”
“Just need…need you…”
“Go to sleep, little one,” Chan says, and he sounds a little choked up to his own ears. He presses a selfish kiss to Felix’s temple and tries not to hate himself for it.
Felix hums and snuggles closer, quickly falling asleep.
Chan is not so lucky, but he doesn’t mind. His favorite person is safe in his arms, and he’s not gonna look the gift horse in the mouth. He holds Felix tight and finds comfort in his breathing.
“You’ve been weird,” Jisung says to him during a writing session. “Like, more than usual.”
Chan blinks at him, “Okay?”
“Okay. So you’re gonna have to spill before I call in reinforcements.”
“Changbin?”
Jisung pops a few chips in his mouth. “Worse,” he says around the food, “Minho-hyung.”
Chan sighs. “You can’t tell anyone if I tell you,” he whispers.
Jisung perks up, then frowns, “Not even Minho-hyung?”
“ Especially not Minho.”
“I promise. Tell me, I wanna help.”
Chan breathes, and lets it all go, “I love Felix.”
Jisung blinks at him, “That’s all?”
“What do you mean that’s all?”
“Hyung…you’re not exactly subtle. This kinda feels like old news. Have you told him?”
“I can’t tell him.”
“Well, why not?”
Chan throws his hands up, “How could I? I’m like a brother to him-“
Jisung fake-gags loudly, “First of all, never say that again. Even Stays can see right through you when you call him that. Second of all, Yongbok definitely doesn’t see you like a brother, I can promise you that. Third, hyung , we just want you to be happy. If that involves kissing Yongbok on the mouth then who cares?”
Chan contemplates his words, “Wouldn’t it be selfish?”
“Hyung, please . You’re killing me. You’re allowed to have nice things. Speaking on behalf of Stray Kids, you have our blessing. We love you two and honestly, this should’ve happened sooner.”
“You think he likes me?” Chan asks quietly, insecure.
“I think he loves you. Go tell him. Right now.”
Chan smiles, “Yah, Han-ah. When did you get so wise?”
“Age thirteen,” Jisung replies, licking chip residue off his thumb. “Go!”
Chan goes.
Felix is gaming when he gets home, and the nerves and guilt come back as soon as Chan sees him. This was a bad idea, he should just go back to work-
“Chris?”
He looks up and Felix is smiling at him, headphones around his neck.
“Come in, I just got done,” Felix says. “You’re home early.”
“Yeah, uh. The words were not wording.”
“Poor leader. They’ll word eventually.” Felix shuts down the game then turns around in his chair. “What’s up?”
Chan’s mouth instantly goes dry, “I have to…tell you something.”
“Okay,” Felix smiles warily, “Sit down, you’re making me nervous. Feel like I’m about to get scolded.”
“No, no,” Chan laughs, sitting on Felix’s bed. “I just- you know I love you right?” He winces as he says it. Smooth , he thinks.
“I love you, too,” Felix replies easily, smiling sunnily at him. “Is that all?”
“I-“ Chan chokes up a little, “I love you, Lix. Not like a brother, not like a friend. I love you.”
Felix’s smile drops slightly, but he recovers, smile brighter than before. If that’s even possible. “Hyung.”
“You don’t have to respond, we can pretend this never happened, actually-“
“Hyung!”
Chan’s eyes snap back to Felix, who begins to laugh.
“Silly hyung,” Felix laughs, “I love you too.”
“Really?” Chan whispers.
“Yeah,” Felix assures, “Feels like I have my whole life. You’re my home, Chris.”
Home. That’s the word Chan has been searching for. Felix was never just familiar. He was home, this whole time.
“You’re my home too,” Chan responds, and a tear falls as he speaks.
“Oh, oh,” Felix coos, getting up and swiftly depositing himself in Chan’s lap, thumbs wiping at his tears messily. “It’s okay.”
“It’s okay,” Chan nods, smiling goofily through his tears. He looks up at Felix’s beautiful face before his gaze drops down to his pretty lips. “Lix, can I-?”
Felix is already ahead of him, pressing their lips together tenderly. Their first kiss tastes like salt, tastes like tears, tastes like home. It feels right, not like that kiss on a cheek two years ago. It feels like home.