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24 hours until the flight.
It was the last breath of summer, soon to be chased away by the winds of autumn. Sunoo folded the last of his clothes into the box for donation, packed away for a new beginning where they would be treasured and given a new life to—just like him.
This season, Sunoo was ready to let go.
The local donation truck rumbled down the street, gathering up Sunoo’s boxes. He took a deep breath and turned back towards his apartment.
Sunoo stepped into his place, the click of the door closing behind him resounding loudly in the empty space. His possessions were gone, leaving an unfamiliar skeleton of a home.
His soft footsteps echoed endlessly as he wandered from room to room. The apartment had always felt empty, but without the furnishings, art, and mementos, it felt foreign.
Heeseung entered the apartment a few moments later with an Olive Young bag. "I got all of them.. I think?"
Sunoo took the bag and looked inside to see if all his favorite products were there. He had to stock up before leaving, especially products that could be hard to get overseas.
Heeseung didn't take his shoes off yet. "If there's anything I missed, I'll get it now."
"You forgot the cleansing oil."
"Which one is it?" Heeseung suddenly looked worried.
Sunoo shook his head and giggled. "Noooo, we can get it at the airport tomorrow. It's okay."
Heeseung grabbed the back of Sunoo's head and kissed his forehead. "Get ready for dinner."
Sunoo hummed with a smile, eyes forming into crescents. Heeseung's own smile lingered as he disappeared into their shared room to finish packing while Sunoo took the products Heeseung bought into his opened suitcase in the middle of a mess of boxes in the living room.
"I think you forgot a jacket in your closet." Heeseung returned, pulling his suitcases along.
Sunoo got up and walked into the room, expecting to see one last article he had accidentally overlooked. But when he picked up the worn-out red varsity jacket, he instantly recognized it and froze.
"Is it for donation?" Heeseung asked from the doorway. "I can just take that to them before our dinner reservation if you want."
Sunoo shook his head, quickly regaining composure. "No, I'm keeping this one," he said in a voice that sounded calmer than he felt. Heeseung just nodded, oblivious to the meaning it held, and left to finish getting ready for their dinner.
Taking a shaky breath, he stood and crossed the room to his dresser. After a moment of hesitation, he carefully tucked the jacket away in the bottom drawer, hiding it from sight.
22 hours until the flight.
Sunoo and Heeseung sat across from each other at one of their favorite restaurants. Their dinner plates had been cleared, drinks half-finished as soft music played.
While Heeseung enthusiastically showed Sunoo pictures of their new place in Paris, Sunoo's gaze drifted, focusing on everything but the screen. He took in the other patrons, the artwork on the walls, the city scenes outside the window—everything but Heeseung's words.
Noticing that Sunoo seemed distracted, Heeseung set his phone down. "Having doubts about France?" he asked gently.
"Oh, no, of course not," Sunoo quickly reassured, snapping back to the moment. He gave a small, unconvincing shrug. "I was just thinking about something else."
Heeseung studied him with concern. "You know you can tell me anything."
Sunoo managed a faint smile, waving it off. "Really, it's nothing important."
On the drive back to their empty apartment, Heeseung took the long, scenic route instead of the usual road. Sunoo sat silently gazing out the passenger window as the city lights streamed past in blur. Heeseung stole occasional glances at him but didn't push him to talk.
When they slowed at a light, Sunoo finally spoke albeit hesitantly, "I went to Sunghoon's wedding last year."
Heeseung blinked in surprise but kept his tone neutral, "Oh. How did that go?"
Sunoo was quiet for another moment before responding. "It felt like.. seeing a stranger wearing the face of my first love," he heavily exhaled, "when I saw him, he felt familiar. I don't know what I was expecting. But when we started talking, he wasn't the same person, he changed."
After their break up three years ago, Heeseung had gone on with his life and Sunoo had gone on with his. They had initially let their encounter be as perfect as it had been. Heeseung thought, perhaps they had only meant to cross paths in the small fragments of each other's memories, one they could look back on with a smile on their faces.
But when Sunoo had unexpectedly returned to Heeseung's life last winter, he had seemed brighter, eyes shining with renewed hope. It felt like seeing Sunoo under a different light, he had seemed so full of life and Heeseung couldn't help but fall in love all over again.
However, the Sunoo Heeseung saw right now was a faded echo of the one from three years ago. His face was drawn, shoulders hunched with invisible burden.
It was a hauntingly familiar sight—the same conflicted exhaustion Heeseung had seen when Sunoo had decided to pack his clothes and left the apartment they had shared together.
Heeseung watched as Sunoo cracked open another soju bottle, his third one that night, as they leaned against the hood of Heeseung's car. The city lights glimmered in reflections on the dark river before them.
Seeing him like this again scared Heeseung. It felt like watching someone come undone at the seams, helpless to prevent the unraveling.
It scared Heeseung.
Heeseung knew a bit about Sunoo's past, the love he hadn't unlearned, the ache he hadn't forgiven. Sunoo's history with Sunghoon long predated him, and as much as Heeseung wanted to take away the ache, as much as he wished he could grasp the right words to comfort him, he knew there was nothing he could do to ease Sunoo's grief.
He gently took the bottle from Sunoo's shaky fingers and pulled him close. Sunoo sank into his chest, a heavy silence settling over. All Heeseung could do was hold on tight and weather the storm in Sunoo.
Heeseung hoped it was enough. He prayed to God it was enough.
19 hours until the flight.
"I am pathetic, I miss you so much," Sunoo slurred as Heeseung tried to take off his shoes, but he kept swaying around so Heeseung had to force him to sit down.
Heeseung carefully removed his jacket next while steadying Sunoo. Suddenly, Sunoo wrapped his arms tightly around Heeseung's neck, shoving his face against his shoulder.
"Let's get you to bed." Heeseung smiled, supporting him to the bedroom.
He eased Sunoo down and tucked him under the blankets. After making sure the temperature was comfortable, Heeseung moved to leave but Sunoo grasped his wrist weakly.
"Don't go… stay," he pleaded, words blurring together.
Heeseung smoothed back Sunoo's hair until his grip relaxed. But even then, Heeseung heard Sunoo mumble his first love’s name in his sleep.
It wasn't more than a stranger to his ear, it didn’t hurt, there was no anger. It was a tiny annoying papercut.
11 hours until the flight.
Sunoo woke up to a crushing hollowness in his chest, an anxiety so familiar it stole his breath. The morning light filtering in through his window but did nothing to warm the chill inside him as he laid motionless.
He heard Heeseung enter, sitting gently on the edge of the bed.
"You're up," Heeseung said softly, brushing back Sunoo's messy hair. "Want me to bring you something to eat?"
"I'll get up soon."
Heeseung continued stroking his hair soothingly. "Hey, I was thinking..." he began carefully. "We could postpone the move another month if you need more time. I don't think you're ready to leave yet."
Sunoo averted his eyes, shaking his head. "No, we're going. I want to go, like we planned."
Before Heeseung could respond, Sunoo pushed himself up from the bed abruptly and walked to the kitchen. Heeseung followed, watching as he grabbed a tea bag and filled the kettle with water.
Heeseung didn't miss the way Sunoo's hands trembled.
"Sunoo, I think we should talk about last night."
"I'm fine," Sunoo interrupted briskly, keeping his eyes down as he set the kettle on the stove.
Heeseung hovered nearby, wishing Sunoo would open up but not wanting to push too hard. They stood in heavy silence as Sunoo kept his head bowed, avoiding his gaze.
"You don't have to hide anything from me. I'll understand."
"I'm sorry," Sunoo mumbled, "I was.. a bit out of it last night. It hasn't quite felt real yet that I'm leaving. But I want to go, I really want to go."
Heeseung studied his conflicted expression. "I don't think it's about leaving the country." He suddenly looked careful, too careful. "Is it Sunghoon—"
"He's not," Sunoo cut in sharply. "You're the one I want to be with. The past is the past."
But his eyes spoke of lingering doubts. Heeseung took his hand, waiting until Sunoo finally met his gaze.
"Hey.. your feelings are valid," Heeseung assured. "You don't have to lie to just make me feel better, we're both adults here. I just need you to be open with me so we can figure out what's the next step."
"It's… I don't know how to explain without admitting I'm not okay."
Heeseung gave his hand a light squeeze. "I knew a part of you is still healing," he admitted. "And it's okay."
"Sunghoon… he used to write me love letters," Sunoo said quietly after a long silence, "I still have them all. His words, his heart, they still feel so real when I read them. I don't miss him but… letting it all go feels impossible."
Heeseung listened silently, thumb grazing Sunoo's hand in a soothing rhythm.
"He's everywhere, in everything," Sunoo continued, "Every little thing reminds me of our time together. Even just looking at the river… It feels like everything about him is holding me back," he paused as a bitter smile tugged up on his lips, "but I want to move forward with my life, I desperately want to."
A thoughtful silence.
"Can I say something?" Heeseung held Sunoo's gaze. "Falling in love at this age.. I always worry that their great love has already happened and I have to accept that I'll never live up to that, that I'll forever be shadowed with the what ifs. But doubts aside, I trust you, I have faith in us." He took a shaky breath before continuing, "I understand your history runs deep. First loves stay with us for a long time. I know I can't erase that…. But please, don't get lost in the past. You have me right now."
The kettle was boiling, filling the silence between them.
He did love Heeseung, he loved Heeseung.
And that was why he couldn't tell Heeseung that it still burned his lips every time he'd say Sunghoon's name out loud.
7 hours until the flight.
Alone again, Sunoo sank down in front of his drawer clutching the red varsity jacket, once worn by Sunghoon. As his fingers held the rough fabric, memories came flooding back—Sunghoon's laughs, jokes, stolen kisses. Though years had passed, the jacket somehow still carried Sunghoon's scent.
Sunoo knew he should let go of the past completely. But a part of him couldn't bear to part with this last piece of Sunghoon just yet. No one since had made Sunoo feel so known, so seen.
Sunoo smiled when he remembered it was Sunghoon's favorite jacket. Back then when they didn't have a lot of money, they didn't have many nice clothes. It was a jacket Sunghoon bought with his first adult job paycheck. Sunoo remembered picking it for him at the store and Sunghoon wore it as soon as he paid for it. It was the kind of innocent excitement that you would only get when you were young.
The day they decided to break up, Sunghoon gave the jacket to him so he wouldn't be cold on his way home. Even after everything, after the pain they inflicted on each other, even when Sunghoon couldn't walk home with him anymore, Sunghoon still wanted Sunoo to be warm.
The reality of a closure, it was rarely an epiphany. A chapter of your life was closed but it didn't immediately turn your life around. You'd still be left with your emotions where it had nowhere else to go so it had no choice but to stay adrift in your memories until hopefully your life grew bigger around it.
Sometimes closure would leave you with more questions instead. Would it have been better if he never knew they could've had it all? Would it have been easier to move on?
3 hours until the flight.
Heeseung was his savior, his new home.
He breathed new life when Sunoo was slowly rebuilding, Heeseung was his second chance.
They got inside the cab and Sunoo stared at the ticket in his hand. This was more than just a ticket, it was a gate to a new life.
When Heeseung moved to kiss his forehead, he turned away.
"I want to sleep, wake me when we're there." Sunoo's eyes were fixed out the window. He could feel Heeseung's gaze lingering on him.
Heeseung was right next to him. But ironically, it was Sunghoon's love that he craved.
Sunoo knew it wasn't fair. He could sense the ache in Heeseung's silence.
Sunoo could only stare aimlessly out the window, riddled with guilt. Heeseung deserved better. But the pain of letting go was excruciatingly slow and it felt like he was only hurting them both in the process.
They made their way through the bustling airport, weaving around travelers to get to their gate. Suddenly, Heeseung stopped Sunoo and crouched down to tie his loose shoelace. He looked up with a smile when he was done, saying, "Let's go," as if it was the most natural thing to do and grabbed Sunoo's hand.
But with the pressure of Heeseung’s palm intertwined with his, he realized he couldn't live with this.
Sunoo halted on his track. "Heeseung, I can't do this."
Heeseung turned. "What is it?"
"I'm going back."
"What? Why? Did something happen?"
"I can't do this anymore."
The loud airport faded around them as silence took the space between them.
"What's the matter?" Heeseung gently implored. "Did I do something wrong? Is it something I did?"
"No, you're perfect, Heeseung."
"I don't.. I don't understand..."
Sunoo looked down, pained. "Heeseung, I'm not fully here with you. And I don't know if I'll ever be."
Heeseung's face fell, but he tried to stay calm. "Sunoo, baby steps, right? I know it’s scary for you to move forward, I understand. But we’ll be together."
"I can't promise you anything."
"You don't have to. We can go at your own pace."
"What about you?" Sunoo snapped. "You're giving me everything, you're playing my savior but I'm only hurting you and you'll end up resenting me."
"Sunoo, listen, it never crossed my mind—"
Sunoo's voice was fraught, almost hysteric, "I will never be able to give back the love you have for me."
"Sunoo, hey, breathe for me?" Heeseung pulled Sunoo into his embrace and rubbed a soothing pattern on Sunoo’s back.
"Heeseung," Sunoo’s voice cracked when he said his name and pushed him away. "It's not just the letters. I still have his jacket. I have it right now in my luggage and I don't think I can ever part with it because it reminds me about a time where I was happy and I don't know if I will ever feel that kind of happiness again. So I'm just holding onto it."
Heeseung froze, stunned.
"I'm sorry," Sunoo's apology was shaky. "I need to move on. This has to stop. This is my fault, I should've tried harder, I should've been better. This is pathetic."
Heeseung looked around helplessly for a moment before gently guiding Sunoo out from the crowd to a nearby bench and taking their suitcases along.
Taking a deep breath, Heeseung began, "Sunoo, please sit down first."
Once seated, Heeseung kneeled in front of him. "I don’t think feelings can be controlled like that. We don’t just stop being in love with someone. But I also know you have the biggest heart and hopefully there will be a room for me somewhere in there." He brushed the hair out of Sunoo's downcast eyes. "It's not because you didn't try hard enough."
Sunoo kept telling himself to not swear oaths anymore, for he knew the universe wouldn’t allow him to keep them. Heeseung handed him the tender hope but Sunoo couldn’t take Heeseung’s gentleness, he had lived too long in wreckage.
"Even when I look at you, I'm only trying to find him in you. I've only been trying to fix with you what I couldn't fix with Sunghoon and I can't do that to you. Not anymore." Sunoo squeezed Heeseung's hand. "Heeseung, I want to love you, I really do."
All Heeseung saw was guilt in Sunoo’s eyes. There was no love.
"But you can’t," Heeseung concluded weakly, the realization crushing him.
Heeseung had believed all along that he was fighting for someone who loved him, only to realize that he was actually fighting for Sunoo to love him.
Sunoo's lips quivered as he bit down a tear. "I can't come with you to France."
"It's alright..." Heeseung soothed, running a hand through Sunoo's hair. He tried to smile. "We had a great time together, right? I understand, Sunoo. Please don't cry."
He pulled back, gently wiping the tears now escaping down Sunoo's cheeks.
"I'll let you go," Heeseung whispered, hoping his voice didn't betray the storm inside of him.
0 hours until the flight.
Heeseung gazed out the window, looking down to the lights of the city and life he was leaving behind. Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes.
And somewhere, amongst that city glow, one taxi made its way through the streets. In the back of that taxi, Sunoo curled into himself, cradling his head in his hands with guilt and relief ached his every bone.
56 days after the flight.
Sunoo woke up alone in his bed. On the floor, there were opened suitcases he hadn't properly unpacked since he returned from the airport. Sunoo couldn't even remember the last time he faced the mirror.
His days blurred into one. Sunoo would drag himself from bed only when the deafening silence became suffocating. He'd turn on music to fill the void and aimlessly stare at his phone for hours.
Sunoo was relapsing into his old ways—spending days, even weeks shut inside his room. He was merely existing, not living. His apartment's curtains were always drawn. Dirty dishes piled up, clothes strewn across the floor.
When night came, he collapsed back into the bed. The sheets still smelled like Heeseung.
The worst part of self destruction was that it felt intimate, so close to you, and you grew attached to it that leaving it behind would feel like killing part of yourself that taught you how to survive.
But how much did he need to kill to let go?
How many memories would he need to forget to survive?
Sunoo scrolled through Heeseung's Instagram, watching his new life unfold in Paris. The job, friends, the apartment they were supposed to share. It could have been their life, if only Sunoo had been better.
Heeseung still reached out to check on him sometimes. Sunoo would reply with a simple "I'm fine," or sometimes not at all.
Guilt was eating him up and he did what he'd done best, he ran away.
When a peaceful dinner on the dining table with his mom turned into screaming and yelling, when their holiday feasts turned into ashtrays and empty green bottles, he ran away. When Sunghoon needed him the most, he ran away. When Heeseung gave him hope, he ran away.
Perhaps Sunoo and his father finally shared something in common.
Sunoo eventually ran out of instant food, forcing him out to the store. When he returned, Jungwon was waiting in his apartment.
Jungwon immediately crushed Sunoo in a desperate hug with tears marked his cheeks.
"Where were you? I was so scared, I couldn't find you anywhere and you didn't answer my calls, I just—" Jungwon pulled back, frantically scanning Sunoo's face. He shook his head in relief. "It doesn't matter now. You're here. Thank God."
Sunoo acted confused. "Hey, I'm okay. Why are you crying?" he asked lightly.
Jungwon searched his face with concern. "Are you alright? I've been so worried about you."
Sunoo waved it off. "Of course, I'm fine." He moved briskly to the kitchen. "Do you want some tea?"
But Jungwon followed him, still looking anxious. "Please, talk to me. I know something's going on with you. I found out that you never left for France and you haven't returned my calls in weeks."
"Oh, sorry about that," Sunoo replied casually over his shoulder as he filled the kettle. "I've just been busy."
"Sunoo..."
Sunoo plastered a smile on his face. "Really Jungwon, everything's great. I don't know why you're so concerned."
He got mugs and tea bags, keeping his back turned.
But when the hot kettle slipped from his hand and burned his hand. Something in him shattered along with it.
His hands throbbed as he stared blankly at the spilled boiling water. Sunoo's knees then buckled, collapsing to the floor. The pain barely registered through the haze enveloping his mind.
He could faintly hear Jungwon's panicked voice and a hand grasping his shoulder. But Sunoo was detached, adrift in his swirling thoughts.
There it was. He ruined everything again, like he always did.
It was like he couldn't do anything right—not even something as simple as making a tea.
Sunoo wished he could sink through the floor and disappear. He could physically feel his world collapsing down around him and he was lost in the mess he'd made of everything good in his life.
He hardly noticed Jungwon pulling him into a tight embrace. His body shook with gasping sobs and Jungwon held him close, one hand cradling his head as he whispered comforting words.
"It's okay, Sunoo. It's okay."
"Hey.. sorry I called. It's just.. I don't know who else to call and you're the only person I trust.. And I know things aren't the same between you and Sunoo—"
"Jungwon, what happened?"
"Sunoo is not okay.. I went to his place and he was a mess. I am scared for him."
"..."
"I don't know why I called you. I'm sorry I am just really scared and I don't know what to do—"
"I'll be there."
58 days after the flight.
A knock stirred Sunoo from sleep. At first it sounded distant, easily ignored. Sunlight streamed across his face and he fluttered his eyes open, he raised an arm to shield his eyes.
When had he opened the curtains?
Oh. Jungwon.
The knocking came again. Sunoo blinked, clearing the haze from his mind. His body begged to stay in the comfort of his bed. But the nagging sound persisted.
With a sigh, Sunoo dragged himself out from the tangle of sheets. His limbs felt heavy and sluggish as his feet shuffled across the floor.
As the door creaked open, Sunoo was met with the last face he expected—Sunghoon.
Sunoo's breath caught, heart lurching. He hastily tried to close the door, but Sunghoon wedged his foot in.
"Why are you here?" Sunoo whispered.
"Sunoo, let me in first—"
Sunoo's voice grew frantic, "No, I can't see you right now—"
"—Jungwon called me."
"Jungwon called you?" Sunoo repeated in disbelief, chest tightening. "Does your wife know you're here?"
"She—" Sunghoon closed his mouth. "No, not yet, it's complicated—"
"Have you lost your mind?"
"Sunoo, please," Sunghoon was almost begging. "Jungwon trusts me, that's why he called. I'm here for you as a friend, okay?"
Sunoo's fingers clenched the door, heart and mind at war.
Sunghoon added gently. "I just want to check if you're okay. Nothing else."
Sunoo stopped struggling for a moment.
"Can I come in now?" Sunghoon tried again gently.
Sunoo hesitated, then slowly opened the door wider. As their eyes met properly, the air left Sunoo's lungs.
Sunghoon was really here, standing right in front of him. Sunoo's knees threatened to give out. His grip on the doorknob tightened until his knuckles turned white, the only thing keeping him upright.
Neither spoke as they took each other in.
Sunoo's eyes traced Sunghoon's face. His hair was longer, his eyes were still as gentle as he remembered but they seemed wearier now.
Sunghoon seemed to register the sight of him too. Sunoo was suddenly self-conscious of his disheveled state. He saw concern flicker across Sunghoon's face and had to look away.
The quiet lingered but the clock was ticking. Awkward, yet comfortingly familiar.
"How did you get here?" Sunoo finally asked.
"I drove."
Sunoo nodded, looking away. "I don't think I can let you into my place right now. Can we go somewhere?"
"Sure, where do you want to go?"
Sunoo didn't answer, mind adrift. Silently, they headed out and got into Sunghoon's car. As Sunghoon started the engine, he asked gently, "Where am I driving?"
A pause. "The church." Sunoo buckled his seatbelt. "The one you and your mom used to go to."
Sunghoon glanced over in surprise as he pulled away from the parking lot. "I thought you didn't believe in it."
"I don't." Sunoo kept his gaze fixed out the window. "I just want to be there."
When they arrived at the empty church, they sat together staring up at the cross and paintings. Sunghoon remained quiet beside him. Sunoo brought his hands together in his lap and closed his eyes.
When he opened them sometime later and turned, Sunghoon was still praying, head bowed reverently. Sunoo watched his profile like a relic of the past.
"I've always wondered, why do you still go to church if you don't believe in God?" Sunoo asked. "Your mom can't be the only reason why."
Sunghoon opened his eyes, considering the question. "It's true, it's for my mom. But sometimes I find myself secretly hoping God exists and is listening. It's rather hypocritical of me."
He let out a small, rueful laugh. Sunoo's lips quirked slightly in response.
Leaving the church, they continued the drive in silence. Sunoo rested his head against the window, watching the cityscapes slowly turned into rural roads.
When they entered the coastal road, Sunghoon slowly cranked down Sunoo's window. The brisk sea breeze swept in, tousling Sunoo's hair. He glanced over to find Sunghoon smiling in encouragement.
After a pause, Sunoo hesitantly extended his hand into the breeze, feeling the wind between his fingers. His eyes drifted shut, losing himself in the caress of the open air.
Sunghoon watched a peaceful smile grace Sunoo's lips for the first time that day. The lines on his face softened, bathed in the warm glow of sunset.
They pulled up at a secluded beach, nearly deserted on a weekday afternoon. The cries of gulls echoed over the ocean waves.
Sunghoon stepped eagerly onto the sand, shedding his jacket and shoes. "Take your shoes off."
Sunoo eyed the beach with uncertainty. "I don't know..."
"Trust me, it will feel wonderful."
Reluctantly, Sunoo removed his shoes. As the sand enveloped his feet, a small smile crept onto his face.
Grinning, Sunghoon grabbed Sunoo's hand and pulled him towards the water. Sunoo dug in his heels, holding back.
"No, no, no. Sunghoon, wait," he protested, anxiety creeping into his voice. "I'm not dressed for this."
Sunghoon turned back and saw the hesitation in Sunoo's eyes. His grin softened into a smile. "It's okay, just to our knees."
Sunoo did a second look and took a deep breath. He nodded and allowed himself to be led to the waves lapping gently at the shore.
Sunghoon gave Sunoo's hand a gentle squeeze. "How's that feel?"
Sunoo exhaled, tension leaving his shoulders. "Good," he admitted. "The water's nice."
Without a warning, Sunghoon splashed water on Sunoo, prompting an indignant yelp as the chilly water made contact with his clothes.
"Not cool, Sunghoon."
Getting his revenge, Sunoo sent an angry splash right into Sunghoon's grinning face.
Sunghoon uselessly shielded it with his hand. "Not cool?"
Before Sunoo could react, Sunghoon scooped him up and tossed him deeper in.
Sunoo surfaced a moment later, pushing wet hair from his eyes. "Not cool!" he yelled as he gasped for air. He grabbed Sunghoon by his shirt and dragged him down into the water as well, sending Sunghoon toppling down.
Sunghoon quickly rose and shook his head as he wiped his face. However, as their eyes met, both of them doubled over with laughter.
They stood staring out at the sea as dusk fell, clothes damp with saltwater. Sunghoon's jacket was draped over Sunoo's shoulders.
"About the.. church thing," Sunghoon's voice was soft and painfully familiar. Sunoo's heart already clenched for whatever would come next. "I always prayed for you. For your health, your happiness. I never thought to pray for myself."
Sunoo glanced over in surprise. Sunghoon gave a slight smile as he added, "I just wanted you to be okay. That was all that mattered."
Had God been listening after all? Did He hear Sunghoon's pleas for Sunoo's health, for his happiness? Had those earnest prayers somehow sustained Sunoo when he wanted to give up?
Sunoo quietly confessed, "I feel safe around you. Isn't it ironic that you're both the ache and the cure?"
Sunghoon's gaze remained on the darkening horizon. Sunoo looked at Sunghoon's face, wanting to trace his fingers over the older but still achingly familiar face. Sunghoon searched his eyes in return, as if relearning Sunoo all over again.
"I've watched you become a stranger and yet I still hold onto who you are in my head. It's hard to let go when you've changed." A sad smile ghosted his lips. "But today, I've seen that you're still you. I guess it assured me that the person I loved still exists, just not in the way that I'm hoping. He didn't just.. disappear."
Sunghoon said nothing.
"I'm happy you've moved on, built a steady life," Sunoo went on, a bitter laugh escaping him. "While I'm still..." What could he say? Struggling, surviving, staring backward at all they had lost? Remembering the shape of Sunghoon's embrace like yesterday?
"Do you really think that I am okay?" Sunghoon interrupted, and Sunoo felt confused.
"It looks like it to me."
"Why? Because I got married..?"
"Because you look fine.." Sunoo's voice was dropping. "Like everything we had was nothing to you."
Sunghoon turned to fully face him then, pain etched on his face. The quiet beach no longer felt peaceful.
"If I seem fine, it's because I have to be. But nothing about this is easy." He took a shaky breath. "Have you thought about how I felt when you showed up at my wedding out of the blue, only to disappear again from my life after that?"
Sunoo looked down, his gaze fixated on the shifting sands beneath his feet.
"You were never nothing to me, Sunoo," Sunghoon said gently. "You meant everything."
"You're married," he made himself say, shutting down the sudden wave of emotions. He couldn't let himself tumble back into that familiar hole again.
"My marriage..." Sunghoon faltered. "It's a mess right now. I've been staying in a hotel all week."
Sunoo's heartbeat quickened, and he had to remind himself to breathe. The wedding band on Sunghoon's finger glinted. "Why are you telling me this?"
"I guess… I don't want you thinking you're the only one still grieving what we lost." Sunghoon gave a half-smile. "I just needed you to know."
59 days after the flight.
It was past midnight and Sunghoon had his car parked in the middle of an empty parking lot, lit only by a single streetlamp. They had changed into cheesy logo-stamped t-shirts, purchased from some roadside tourist trap.
Inside the car, they laughed as they bathed in the dim, ambient lighting of the car.
Another round of laughter, another pair of beers cracked open.
"I'll never forget when you proposed with that bottle cap ring. We really had nothing," Sunoo recalled and Sunghoon laughed. "We could've been married now."
"I was broke," Sunghoon reminisced fondly, "I had a hard time too but I hate to let it show because I know we both were having a hard time making a living back then."
"I knew you were struggling, even though you didn't want me to see," Sunoo paused, "But I also knew if you had known, it would only add to your worry."
"You know that I wouldn't have stayed in Seoul all those years if it wasn't for you, right?"
"Yes," Sunoo looked away, chuckling. "But you are now married to a nice woman.. You have a job that you like and pays you well, you could buy a nice car like this, you live in an apartment that has separate rooms for kitchen and bedroom."
"I do." Sunghoon nodded. "We didn't even have a window that closed properly back then so it was always freezing cold during winter."
A heavy silence fell between them. Their eyes met briefly, before darting away once more as if unable to withstand the memories hidden behind each other's eyes. When they finally gazed at one another again, bittersweet smiles crossed their lips.
"I miss you," Sunoo whispered, voice catching. "I wish I was a better boyfriend for you. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me," and for all the ways he had failed Sunghoon. For taking their love for granted, for being unable to give more of himself when it mattered most.
"I miss you too." Sunghoon mirrored his smile in understanding. "I wish I can do something for you right now. I wish I can help."
Sunoo quickly wiped away the tears that spilled down his cheeks, laughing softly to cover the swell of emotions. "I'm sorry I couldn't become the person you always believed I was capable of being."
"I'm sorry I left." Sunghoon looked down slowly. "We could've had forever."
"In another life—"
"No, we don't have another life." Sunghoon his head as he looked back up. "This is all we got. So please, live happily, Sunoo," his voice caught before he could add: with me. Because he shouldn't.
Sunoo blinked through his tears, lips pressed together to hold back a sob. Sunghoon reached out and wrapped him in a tight embrace.
Sunoo didn't wish to possess him. Although if he was given the chance, he'd wish he could make them endless and give them a million lifetimes where they could fall in love in every single one of them.
But they only had this life, it was all they had.
Their love was secure, but painful. It only lasted for so long. It was Sunoo's forever stolen by the time they never had.
Maybe one day they'll be the memories they didn't remember to forget, and still, Sunoo wistfully hoped they hurt each other enough in this lifetime so there would be another life where everything was right.
Sunghoon pulled up outside Sunoo's apartment. They stood facing each other beside the car, neither wanted to be the one to break the silence.
Finally, Sunghoon stepped forward and wrapped Sunoo in an embrace. Sunoo clutched onto him tightly, breathing in the familiar scent.
"You'll be okay," Sunghoon whispered.
Sunoo trembled, a single tear slipping down his cheek. He wanted to believe it was true. That the hollow feeling inside him would someday fade. That this wasn't another ending for them, but a new beginning.
"We will," Sunoo managed to say, the words catching in his tight throat. Knowing it was a promise Sunghoon could no longer make.
When Sunghoon pulled away, his hand lingered on Sunoo's arm, like he was reluctant to let go. Sunoo covered it with his own, squeezing gently before allowing their hands to part. Sunghoon's fingers trailed down Sunoo's skin as he walked backwards towards the driver's side door.
"Take care of yourself," Sunghoon said in a voice that felt like it would be the last time.
They shared a smile, at last. Sunoo only nodded, not trusting his voice.
The car engine started and he watched as the vehicle drove away.
60 days after the flight.
Sunoo stared at his apartment, glancing around at the mess. He suddenly felt overwhelmed by the task ahead. But he knew that healing would require taking the first small step.
With a deep breath, he opened the windows to let fresh air in. Slowly, he began tidying up, unpacking his suitcases, cleaning away the lingering grief.
When Sunoo came across Sunghoon's red varsity jacket, a fond smile crossed his lips. He ran his fingers over the frayed edges and try to breathe in the scent again but to his surprise, it didn't smell like Sunghoon and perhaps it hadn't been for the longest time. Carefully folding it, he placed it alongside the bundle of love letters Sunghoon had written him over the years. He tucked them both gently into a box.
When he finished, the sunset was already painting the sky in purples and burnt orange.
One day, hopefully, he would be finally at peace with himself.
For now, this life was his for the making.
63 days after the flight.
"Hello?"
"Heeseung, hey.."
"What's wrong?"
"No, no, no. I called to say I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to apologize for." A beat of silence. "But I'll take the apology."
"You were good to me. I want to thank you for everything."
"Hey, Sunoo?"
"Yes?"
"Is there anything I could've done differently?"
"Nothing. Maybe we all meant to make mistakes and regrets.. so we'd know how to do it right the next time."
A year after the flight.
Sunoo stood at the shoreline, eyes fixed on the sunset painting the sky in shades of crimson and violet. He remembered someone once telling him that sunset was like bruises, it showed that we could dream high enough to fall.
He let the music seeping from his headphones fade away on his neck, leaving only the gentle sound of the ocean. From his bag peeked a postcard stamped in French.
Sunoo had stopped living in the bustling city, realizing it no longer suited the person he had become. Now he resided near the sea, drawn to the way the glittering water met the sky along the horizon.
The years had held pain and healing in equal measure. There would be days where he relapsed, yet slowly relearned once again what it meant to be alive, to gather his scattered pieces back.
It started with small changes: a long shower, a haircut, and breakfast. Establishing a routine, finding his footing day by day.
Jungwon had remained by his side the whole time, dropping by weekly to check on him. He couldn’t visit as often after Sunoo moved, but they stayed connected through texts and phone calls. And during each holiday, Jungwon and Jay would spend time with him. Sometimes he would also took the trip to see them in the city.
Sunoo had felt like a burden, he still did sometimes. But he was getting better at being grateful than blaming himself.
Perhaps it was him all along. Because he had been placing his love in spaces that were too small, spaces that were never meant to hold all that he was.
It was never the loneliness or lost love that he was standing against.
It was himself. How he'd dim his own light out of fear it would illuminate his flaws. How he'd run away and self-destruct to compensate for the guilt. How he'd base his worthiness based on another person.
The same person who told him about sunset also told him that bruises heal as all wounds did. The sun would rise again tomorrow. Sunoo had spent too many years in darkness, waiting for the dawn as his sunsets bled into night. This time, he would light the stars of his skies himself as his sunset faded.
When the bruises healed, he'd recognize the face in the mirror. Scars and all, and yet so much kinder than he ever used to be.
Sunoo took the bus into the city, rolling down the window to let the spring breeze sweep through his hair. Stepping onto the sidewalk, he walked into a venue where a photography exhibition poster was plastered at the entrance.
Inside the gallery, Sunoo lost himself amongst framed glimpses into strangers' lives. Their raw, unguarded moments that told stories more than words ever could. A mother cradling a newborn baby. An elderly couple slow dancing in an empty ballroom. A child mid-jump into a mud puddle, innocence frozen in time. There was no pretense, just humanity and stories told through the lens.
Turning a corner, Sunoo halted in his tracks. There across the room stood Sunghoon, chatting casually with visitors about his works.
Their eyes met and where regret once shadowed both their gazes, now only lay understanding.
Between them was a photo on the wall. It was Sunoo, captured mid-laugh and sprawled across rumpled sheets. His hair was damp, cheeks flushed, and eyes crinkled with simple happiness—all for the person behind the camera. Sunoo remembered it well.
Glancing back, they smiled at each other one last time before Sunoo walked away.
The hardest person I'd ever need to grant forgiveness is always myself and I am proud of where I am in life no matter what stage I am at in my healing. I acknowledge every attempt I make for the betterment of myself, the hard work I put into what I do and the way that I always try to find love from within. Slow down, no rush. That's okay, I don't need to make sense of everything today. Remember, it's a victory in itself to wake up every morning. I am alive—I am human, I am capable of feeling all kinds of emotions. I honor how I feel and I don't make it about my worthiness. I carry so much love to give for the world, now I need to give myself some as well. Leave some space in my heart to shelter the butterflies and windchimes, my heart will flutter again. There will be days where everything might feel dark and scary, there's a mist of fear shrouding my way forward, but I've beaten these feelings before and I can do it again. I forgive myself for not taking care of my own self as much as I should, but I tried wonderfully and that's enough. I will make myself proud and grow into the beautiful garden I've always dreamed to be. Now let's start with a glass of water and see where the day will take me, I will survive.
All my heart,
Sunoo.
Sunoo walked home from work as the sun was sinking into the sea.
He paused to check the mailbox, sorting through the usual bills and advertisements. A package from Jungwon brought a smile, but it was the French postcard that made his eyes linger. He traced his finger over the image before tucking it into his pocket, grin spreading.
Skipping up the steps, his garden that overflowed with flowers greeted him and the scent lingered sweetly in the salt-tinged air.
With a light knock, he could hear footsteps approaching from the inside. The corner of his mouth crept up, pulse quickening.
A smile graced his lips when the door swung open to reveal the person waiting on the other side.
"Welcome home."
✉