Work Text:
Naomasa Tsukauchi was fixing up his papers when he almost dropped it as a booming voice called out. However, some still flew from his desk and into the floor right beside a buff All Might.
“I am here, to request…A REPORT!”
“All Might,” Naomasa sighed and then smiled, setting his papers beside him. “What do you need? Another villain caught in a route? An accident? Another complaint of other pros?”
As All Might gathered the scattered papers on the floor, he happened to look at one of them. “You’re working hard, huh? Since when did you rested last?”
The detective took a simple breath as he look straight at All Might (hehe straight). “I appreciate the concerns, but I really need to know what do you want me to do,” Naomasa declared blankly. “Otherwise I would be wasting your time in this station.” As he sipped his coffee, he failed to notice All might staring at him with the eyes of a curious dog looking at a stick.
“You recall that USJ incident some time ago?”
Naomasa looked at All Might from his cup of coffee. “The one where that Nomu that was meant to kill you was brought into the USJ, and that 1A was thrown in a state of disaster? It has been sort of news.”
All Might placed the flown papers back into Naomasa’s desk. “I would like you to search about that Kurogiri person. His quirk seemed to be something that I’m curious and afraid at, not in the truly fearful way…but rather fear for my students.”
“I suppose I can put it between my schedules,” Naomasa spoke as he typed on a document filled with words of reports from various incidents. “I’ll send it to you when I’m done.”
“Thank you, Tsukauchi. Oh my goodness he’s cute.”
Naomasa was about to respond ‘You’re welcome, All Might’ when he realized what the Number 1 Pro Hero called him by.
“Excuse me?” He looked at All Might.
“What’s the matter, Detective?”
“Nothing, really, nothing,” Naomasa declared.
“Maybe you really need to take a re-”
“Alright, goodbye!”
He decided to bid farewell at All Might forcefully, and as the hero left the premises, he can’t help but to internally scream and wonder about what the heck was that all about, and why was All Might’s face seemingly turning red.
Outside, All Might punches a nearby wall, internally screaming as well. “Goddammit Naomasa,” he grinned to himself. “You act silly when frustrated.”
“...”
“AHH-”
“Look into my eyes, Detective, look at me.”
Naomasa can’t help but further avert his gaze from All Might as he typed on his computer frantically. As expected from across the multiverse, Kurogiri can’t be easily identified, and neither are bank thieves at 360p quality cams. Goddamn 360p quality cams.
“His quirk had no records!” He pointed his outstretched hands at the screen. “This only means someone got the ability to mix quirks and affect him! But what type of quirk can do that?”
All Might was sitting in a goofy position as he thought of any sort of hint, hiding the fact he was suspecting that a certain person has been alive all along. “Could have been someone who can intertwine things into a single entity, although Kurogiri’s intelligence is still questionable.”
“I agree. He seems more like a servant doing his master’s bidding than anything else. Although for a person likely being used for a weapon and someone who is a literal sentient smoke with portal abilities, what’s with the clothes and posture?”
“It’s not that you won’t look better than him.”
“...”
“...”
“I am exiting out of the police station!”
*crash* “Like a hero!”
*Crash*
‘What’s wrong with All Might?’ Naomasa thought to himself. ‘Is he stupid?’
Meanwhile...
‘How did he not catch what I said?!’ All Might internally screamed. “Is he dense?!’
Naomasa did not expect a villain crashing through his headquarters with All Might pinning said villain into the ground.
He did not expect All Might’s protege to be there, either.
“I think we knocked him unconscious!” Izuku Midoriya declared, scribbling in some notebook about what he just witnessed and reenacted with All Might. “Thank goodness he didn’t attack the nearby children’s hospital.”
“Thank goodness to-” All Might looked at Naomasa and his blue eyes pierced through his shadow with shock. For some reason, Naomasa cannot take his gaze off All Might, and he can feel something burning in how own cheeks.
“Sorry about your department, Naomasa!” All Might apologized profusely.
Naomasa exclaimed and said, “I just made Cementoss rebuild the wall you busted through!” while he facepalmed. He then realized what All Might had called him.
All Might also realized this as he started taking away the debris accumulated by the fight, villain hanging on one shoulder. His cheeks are still reddish and he was taken aback by himself calling Naomasa by his first name.
“Uhh…what just happened there, All Might?” Midoriya asked. “And why did you just call him by his first name? I didn’t know you are friends with him; that’s great!”
All Might gulped as he saw Naomasa slowly panicking. “That is not that much, kid. We’re just…friends, that’s all.” He then saw a nearby puppy, its bulging eyes staring at him. He grinned a he picked it up. As he stroked the puppy’s naked body with his beefy arms, he motioned for Midoriya to follow him, leaving behind a slowly but surely becoming flustered Naomasa.
‘Why the fuck does he look handsome?’ Naomasa thought and then actually screamed, far from earshot.
“Sir?”
All Might—Yagi Toshinori at this moment-looked down from what he was doing to Midoriya. Currently, he is currently in his skinny form, wrapping something with a bright blue wrapper. “What is it, Young Midoriya?"
His protege look at the present and asked, “What’s with that?”
Yagi laughed heartedly. he lifted up the recently finished, wrapped present, the sun of Daogaba Beach shining rays at it. Its shiny foil reflects enough sunlight for a bystander to yell, “MY EYES!” while tripping on a glass bottle and accidentally killing a nearby F-rank villain no one cared for.
Yagi smiled and continued, “This wrapped bundle of wonders is a present for Detective Nao-I mean Tsukauchi.” He can’t help but blush, as he is internally freaking out at whether or not is this a good idea.
Midoriya narrowed his eyes, analyzing what is going on. “I…don’t think Detective Tsukauchi’s birthday is this date. I thought he already celebrated it, or at least his birthday’s far from today.”
“This is…not a present for his birthday!” Yagi chuckled nervously, scratching his neck. “I just want to make a favor for him since he has been busy with his workload quite a long while ago. He deserves a break, and so I am giving him this bundle of wonders!”
“And what is inside the present?”
Yagi tried not to spill the beans.
“Why the fuck is there a dog running around the workplace?!”
Naomasa sighed as he tried sipping his coffee as one of his coworkers was being chased around by a bulldog, which apparently came from a random mail wrapped in eye-burning wraps and a poorly-made ribbon. “What is my life exactly…” He lifted up his shades as he sighed a second time. Good thing he wore shades to work, or else he would be legally blind.
He then stopped trying to drink as he realized the coffee smells and looks weird. Too murky-looking for a drink meant to beat fatigue, too smelly for the roasted beans to be given justice. And so, it…
…was pissed on.
A second later, a broken mug and pissed-on coffee killed a bystander D-rank villain. No one missed him.
Suddenly, All Might appeared outta nowhere, T-posing at the poor dude, whose hair is snacked on by the puppy, on accident. He moved away as he looked at the mess of the makeshift headquarters and asked, “What just happened?”
Finally, Naomasa had enough. “Some asshole gifted me with a puppy that rendered my colleague bald and my coffee full of piss! My headquarters are wrecked two times over, and I couldn’t get enough sleep!”
All Might’s heart sank from what he had heard. He took a deep breath and said, “I think who sent you that present had good intentions. After all, they might be someone who…admire you, who…liked your work, or even just appreciated your vibe.”
“But who would want to admire me?! I’m just a policeman!”
All Might sighed. As he walked away, he muttered, “I hope you can take a guess.”
“Why is romance hard?” Stick All Might sighed as he sat within a restaurant with Midoriya.
“Don’t ask me, sir, I don’t do good with romance either!” Midoriya declared, hands waving on the air. “I cannot take any compliments from my classmates without fainting! I’m never used to such.” He fidgetted with his hands, covered in gauze from another training.
“Tell me, Young Midoriya…” All Might’s ice blue eyes looked at Midoriya’s face. “Do you think Detective Tsukauchi will reciprocate my feelings?”
Suddenly, Midoriya pulled out a large board out of nowhere, and somehow nobody paid any mind to him doing so. “I’ve done calculations and observations from Detective Tsukauchi regarding the way he acts around romance, sex, and relationships. And I am here to tell you that he is…”
“So, do you like dicks?”
Naomasa spitted his coffee at a nearby coworker. “I’m sorry? That is pretty ridiculous?”
“...averse with the concept of sucking di-”
“Don’t say that out loud!” All Might warned.
“But anyways, I suspect that he is asexual. No interest with any physical body and its shape and ‘sexyness’, but he has a big preference for compliments and gifts instead, if only he was aware that is what he liked.”
“Oh…no matter why he didn’t like my prank gift I sent him years ago.”
Midoriya flipped the board again. “He also likes fluffy things for a reason, dogs, and apparently he said something about someone I find familiar, and that someone is…err…yeesh.”
“You know, you remind me of someone I used to go with at the playground,” Naomasa declared, making Midoriya stop his scribbling.
“Huh?”
“She was my distant relative who oly lived in my neighborhood for a year, but we became quick friends. Despite her weak telekinesis over little things, we take advantage of her quirk to make secret locks that can only open like some of those pre-quirk Geocaching games. She is kind of awkward, but in a good way. She also cries rivers in the most literal way possible.”
“Wait…telekineses?” Midoriya looked up. “What does she look like?”
“Despite my black hair, hers is green, taken from the husband married to the girl that connects me and her as relatives. I wonder what is she up to now?”
“I know her!” Midoriya perked up.
Naomasa silently wondered. “Huh?”
“She’s my mom!”
Naomasa spitted his coffee again.
All Might cackled as he heard what Midoriya is talking about. “That was some unusually awkward moment there, right?” Midoriya reacted with nodding intensely, enough to cause a Magnitude 10 Earthquake.
“Still, I managed to ask him whether or not he loves you back.”
“...”
All Might then realized something. Before Midoriya could talk, he said, “Young Midoriya, how did you even know those things?"
“Well…” Midoriya whistled innocently.
“Besides disguising my survey as something for UA studies, which I hope he won’t notice…”
“That is reckless, but go on.”
“I also somehow…ehh…”
“The thing is, I’ve been noticing that your mentor is acting more strange around me. First of all, he looked guilty over the Piss Dog incident a while ago, as if he was the fault to all of that. Second, his face is always red. And third, he has been applauding me a lot for simple things, even as simple as choosing what milk he should pick. And he picked what I liked as well!”
Midoriya thought for a moment. “Had he been this kind and nice to you?”
“Ever since high school!”
“I recalled All Might talking about how he had this person who he wants to date but is too busy and awkward to do so. Basically…he’s in love with you!”
Naomasa sputtered. “I-whut-what the heck?!”
“I just want to ask you…do you reciprocate that love?”
Midoriya smiled and then raised a brow in confusion as Naomasa drank his coffee.
“Uhh…sir…isn’t that coffee…hot?”
“No, no, it’s fine!” Naomasa cackled nervously.
‘He’s in love, indeed.’
“You spilled the beans?!” All Might exclaimed.
“If you meant his coffee beans, then yes. If you mean your affection, also yes!” Midoriya beamed. “Even if I am horrible in the field of romance, I can help you with getting you two into a date!”
“But how?!” All Might said. “I’m too busy and so is he!”
“Trust me,” Midoriya smirked. “Trust me.”
“Oh no,” All Might muttered as Endeavor relaid him some unfortunate news. “Where was he last found?” He worried for where in the world is Detective Tsukauchi.
“Why would you ask me? I’m not even part of this investigation.” Endeavor declared with a gruff tone. “Now leave me alone, will you?”
As the Fire Hero (literally and figurally hot, but too buff) left his premises, All Might looked at the evidences gathered at the makeshift headquarters. Lots of tape of all kinds, burned walls, and a poorly-written note with some coordinates leading to…
“The top of Mount Fuji?!” All Might yelled in disbelief. “How will I even get there?!”
“Need any help?”
All Might turned around to see Aizawa and some of his students, Young Midoriya included, waving at him nervously. “These problem children decided to go out on a rescue mission on their own, so I’m joining them.”
All Might let out a laugh and said, “Alright, then! But how are we gonna get into Mount Fuji?”
Suddenly, they got teleported via a warp gate and ended up near the voltain (volcano and mountain) in question, being melted by Young Shouto. Kurogiri was there, somehow in a maid outfit, and somewhat satisfied by his yellow eyes. Young Tokoyami has a gun pointed at Kurogiri and Shigaraki, which All Might hoped is not real, and Young Dark Shadow is doing a Russian Faceslapping challenge with the crusty villain.
Once Young Todoroki finished what he was doing, Mt Fuji was fully melted, and revealed itself to be a fucking pyramid with an awkward Detective Tsukauchi within it. He was confused, and wrapped in familiar tape…
Young Sero kidnapped him?!
“Look, let me…explain…” Midoriya said with a chuckle. “Let’s just say-”
“I LOVE YOU AND IF THAT’S ALL GONNA TAKE TO REMOVE THESE BALLS FROM MY HAND, I WILL!” Tsukauchi suddenly yelled, glaring at Young Mineta as if he did something suspicious at him. And indeed, Tsukauchi’s hands are stuck to Mineta’s quirk.
“What just happened here?” All Might asked. This had gotten out of hand, as if someone rushed this whole place. The ‘pyramid’ Tsukauchi is in has an entire date area, complete with what appears to be candles…lots of scented candles in coffee flavor.
“I gave my classmates a favor, where in exchange for a thousand yen, they will help me out here,” Midoriya explained. “Come on, let’s go up there!”
After 10,000 steps upwards, All Might and company arrived. And in a blink of an eye, someone changed his outfit for a suit. “First of all, Momo’s family somehow owns this whole mountain,” Young Midoriya declared. “How? Just read the conspiracy news. They’re all real.
"Also, she accepted my bribery since her dad spent all of her allowance on weed."
Soft music played as Young Bakugo, Mina and Kyouka sang their hearts out, Bakugo clearly unwilling to get into it, as if he was also kidnapped into this role. “Second,” Young Midoriya continued, “I hired who some people call the ‘Bakusquad’, but I’ll rather call them ‘we are pissed off with each other; yes, this is how we vibe’.”
“Fuck you, Deeeeku!” Young Bakugo yelled before he hit a high note and someone hit his low balls.
It was Young Tokoyami. Again.
All Might admired the floating decorations, clearly done by Young Uraraka, and he saw Young Tsu using her tongue to balance some prestigious dishes. Meanwhile, Young Momo is crying in cringe and joy at Miss Midoriya, who is glaring at Mineta to not fuck things up.
All Might sat on the table, Tsukauchi Naomasa stared at him, clearly flustered and as confused as he was.
“So…where do you wanna go after this?”
“...”
“...”
“I think we should watch that Superbowl.”
Meanwhile, Shiggy and Kurogiri are interacting with each other in Dunce Jail.“
"This is fucking stupid,” Shiggy spoke angrily. “They better be sucking di-”
“Silence!” Kirishima declared. “Or else I’ll make Kaminari here bonk you into horny jai-oh nevermind, he’s already drunk on water. I’ll just make Ojiro bonk you with his tai-and he somehow got himself stuck on top of the pyramid.” Kirishima sighed. “I’ll bonk you myself with the assistance of Ojiro here.”
Shiggy screamed as Kurogiri ‘sips’ a cup of chamomile tea with one hand, dusting stuff with another. “Fuck this shitty reality,” Shiggy complained.
“I don’t think you can fuck reality.”
“THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU FU-”
And that’s how All Might gained a boyfriend (FOR REAL), a maid butler, and a dead Shiggy at the hands of horror tentacles and conspiracies.
Someone save me.