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This was impossible.
Perry shut his eyes and stopped pacing around his room, choosing instead to fall backward onto his bed. He stared up at the ceiling. It felt as though he'd thought of everything, from stuffed animals to chocolates to a basket of self-destruct buttons, but nothing seemed to fit.
Then again, what was new with Heinz?
And it wasn't as though he was particularly good at this sort of thing. Suave he may be, at least according to some, but that didn't mean he could come up with romantic ideas off the top of his head. Perry covered his face with his hands and groaned, then rubbed his eyes with his palms. It displaced his glasses a bit, but that was easily remedied.
He could try baking something. Lawrence had always had luck in that department, and it was a simple way to ask Heinz to be his for the evening. Not too detailed, not too close. But that idea, too, he ousted. What rumors would start circulating if he jumped into his hovercraft with a basket of cookies headed for DEI? No, best not to feed the rumor mill as much as he'd already fed it. People already had a betting pool going around on whether he and Heinz would get together.
Very well, then how about a sonnet, or a poem? He was a fair writer, he thought, and might be able to pen something together by the fourteenth. But then, it lost a little bit of touch in that he wouldn't be the one to read it to Doofenshmirtz. He'd have to read it himself, and knowing Heinz, he'd butcher at least a few lines. Strike that, then.
Honestly? Maybe he needn't have bothered. Heinz had been dating around for a little while now, and he wouldn't have been surprised if he had found a pretty face for Valentine's Day. Or, he would, but only because that would imply that Heinz found someone incredibly appealing if he so happened to rush the date. Perry folded his arms across his chest and stared up at the ceiling, frowning to himself. Was he thinking all this, doing all this, for nothing? What if he showed up, asked, and was laughed at for his recompense?
No, he couldn't afford to think like that. Surely he wasn't just imagining these things. The way their touches lingered during fights, the way they looked at each other over coffee and tea... even Heinz's 'Curse you, Perry the Platypus!'es had taken on a different, more affectionate cadence. He had to believe that there was something building between them. That these what-ifs were more than figments of his imagination. Otherwise, he really would go mad.
And what was more, what if Heinz thought to ask him? No, he thought, that likely wouldn't happen. Heinz was too... Heinz to be that direct. Much as he would have enjoyed it—as it would take quite the load off his shoulders—alas, the burden likely fell to him to ask. He sighed, rubbing his temple with two fingers.
Maybe something would occur to him during the next week. Perry resolved to put the matter out of his mind until tomorrow, then crept downstairs for dinner. He still had time.
There was no more time.
On the day of, Perry despaired. He hadn't so much as picked a flower for Heinz, but he was about to, considering it was the only idea he had left. Everything else seemed so... mundane compared to what he wanted to do for him, especially since he had to keep it under wraps. There would be no grand gestures today. Maybe he could stop by the local drugstore and pick up one of those heart-shaped chocolate trays.
Once again, Perry rubbed at his temples. Heinz was better than that.
He was about to resort to asking Lawrence what to do about today when his watch beeped. Ah, a welcome distraction.
The nearest pneumatic tube hid within the shower. He simply had to turn the knob a certain way, and the walls flipped, sucking him down into the bowels of his lair. Frankly, he was glad to have some work. Even if it meant he'd physically face Heinz, nobody had to know that he had intended and failed to produce a Valentine's gift.
Pink and red streamers dropped onto his head as he took his seat at the console, and a vein pulsed at his temple.
"Ah, Agent P." Monogram's formidable brow heightened as he gazed down at Perry from the monitor. He couldn't help being amused at the sight—the enigma of an agent, covered in brightly colored garlands to celebrate the festivities. He and Carl never tired of 'including' Perry in their celebrations. "Happy Valentine's Day."
Happy Valentine's Day, indeed. Perry folded his arms and blew a bright red streamer out of his face. He cocked a brow at the screen, requesting his mission so as to avoid any more 'surprises' from them.
"Uh, yes." Monogram cleared his throat. "That. Doof is buying up all the red paint in the Tri-State Area. And I mean all of it. We need you to go see what he's up to. And, you know, to wish him a Happy Valentine's Day."
Perry facepalmed and sighed, but mounted his hoverjet and headed to DEI in a few moments.
Paint. What could Heinz possibly want with an inordinate amount of paint? Had he developed some obsession with painting the building? Found some weird chemical property in the paint that he planned to use for his next dastardly plan? No, surely it was more than that. Red paint... clearly, it had something to do with Valentine's Day. Maybe he was making some sort of massive card for someone and had gone about it the wrong way.
That sounded... about right. Heinz was prone to very over-the-top displays, and there was a conveniently placed billboard on the side of his building now. He wouldn't be surprised if Heinz planned to paint over it.
He'd find out soon enough. Parking the hoverjet, Perry made his way into the lab to see what Heinz had in store for him.
Of course, what was a visit to DEI without his customary trap? No sooner had he walked into the lab, he found himself seized by something extremely fuzzy. He looked around wildly, attempting to see just what had trapped him this time, and found himself ensconced in the embrace of an overlarge teddy bear.
A teddy bear.
Heinz emerged from the shadows a moment later, cackling and wiping a tear out of his eye. "Oh! Oh, sorry. Sorry, Perry the Platypus, you just looked like you needed a hug, you know? But you—your expression, man, it was priceless. I've gotta tape that."
Perry did his utmost to keep his face impassive. He badly wanted to roll his eyes.
"Aw, c'mon. I gotta keep up with the theme, don't I?" Heinz quirked an eyebrow at him, hands on his hips. "Even the inator is Valentine's themed. I thought you'd appreciate a little cohesion, but evidently I was wrong."
Was it just him, or did Heinz sound... more bitter than usual? Perry frowned down at him from his position in the trap, attempting to study him with the height difference in the way. He did look a little unkempt; his lab coat was slightly wrinkled, the bags under his eyes were more prominent, and his hair looked like it could use a good brushing. Besides, Heinz hated Valentine's Day, if he recalled correctly. Then again, he seemed to hate every holiday equally. Perry had simply hoped that bringing him something on the day would make the prospect of a date less... dour.
So. Something had happened to prompt this particular inator. Why else would they be Valentine themed?
"—Anyway," Heinz cleared his throat, gathering himself. "Behold, Perry the Platypus! The Paint-the-Town-Red-inator!"
...Well, that was novel. Perry's brow did rise this time, as he took a look at the inator in question. It was alarmingly gun-shaped, but when he studied it more closely, it resembled more of a giant paintball gun than anything else. He let out a breath and attempted to wriggle out of his trap while listening to Heinz.
"See, I actually did have plans this Valentine's Day," he started, and Perry thanked his lucky stars then that he hadn't come up with anything special, if that was the case. "—to eat at this really upscale restaurant!"
Oh.
"I mean, I had the place booked for months, okay. I was ready. But yesterday, they informed me that they were giving my table away to a couple who hadn't even been on the waiting list. Can you believe that, Perry the Platypus? I mean, just because it's Valentine's Day doesn't give anyone the right to just... do that."
Perry clicked his tongue. For once, he agreed with Heinz.
"So I figured, hey, since everyone will be 'painting the town red' today, I may as well do it, too." Heinz smiled a bit as he patted the inator, and Perry was moderately afraid that it would accidentally go off with how close he was to the trigger mechanism. "Except I am gonna be having my own kind of fun. See, when this baby fires, a ton (I mean, it might literally be a ton, it's a lot of paint) of red paint will splatter the target, absolutely rendering it useless as a venue. You know, because they wouldn't be able to eat there since they'll have to clean up the paint. I can ruin so many dates with this thing, Perry the Platypus. Everyone's gonna be miserable. It'll be great."
But Perry, who had since escaped the teddy bear, was already creeping toward the inator. If he didn't make any noise—
"Hey! How'd you get out of that trap?"
Shit. Perry dove out of the way as Heinz attempted to tackle him, then flipped onto his back to see what he was doing. He should have known better; Heinz did so love to gloat at him when he thought he was winning. Heinz approached him with a spare crowbar and aimed as if he was going to throw it, so Perry got to his feet and dodged.
「Missed,」he taunted, wiggling his eyebrows at him. He couldn't help chuckling as Heinz threw the crowbar again, but it put him in range for his nemesis to tackle him instead.
"Missed? I'll show you missed," Heinz groused. He had a precarious hold on Perry, only keeping him in place with his knees on either side of him. Perry was doing his best to dislodge him, but as yet was failing. Instead, he looked up at Heinz, who was struggling with pinning his arms so that he couldn't push him off, and smirked. They both knew that he would win in the end; it was only a matter of how.
"Could you not be so smug for like, one day?" Heinz scoffed at him, looking him straight in the eye. They had been in this position hundreds, thousands of times before, but lately they've seemed... charged, somehow. Like every place they touched was electrified; all these points of contact that they'd never paid mind to suddenly coming to life.
The way Perry's eyes were practically sparkling didn't help, either.
He realized that he'd been sitting still for too long, too late. Perry took advantage of his momentary lapse and pushed him up and away, rolling to his feet and taking a defensive stance just a few feet across the room. Heinz, disoriented, rolled to his feet and glared at him as Perry smirked again. In moments, however, he was gone—presumably to go to press the self-destruct button located on the barrel of the machine.
"No, you don't!" Heinz took a shorter path around the machine and met Perry dead on, so that he could force him away from the self-destruct button with a few aimless punches. Perry was luckier—he landed two blows, one at his chin and one directly into his chest, sending him reeling backward against the wall. Heinz coughed, ready to rejoin the fight, but Perry had him pinned.
He tried twisting his wrists free of Perry's grip, but no such luck. Perry was naturally stronger than he was, and even with titanium arms, it was difficult to dislodge him sometimes.
They were both breathing a little hard, and Heinz's cheeks had turned pink with exertion. Perry looked like he was concentrating very hard on them, and periodically looked up into his eyes, as if gauging his reaction. What was going through his head, Heinz wondered? He bit his lip, and Perry seemed to zero in on that, too, so that Heinz's cheeks burned hotter for an entirely different reason.
"So what are you going to do, huh?" He queried, taking a moment to watch Perry's eyes sparkle again. He pitched his voice low, though he hadn't done that on purpose, and it made him feel like this had suddenly turned more intimate than either of them had planned for.
...Not that he was complaining.
Should he be complaining?
Perry seemed to think long and hard about that. What was he going to do, exactly? He, too, bit his lip, and Heinz could see the gears turning in his head. He didn't know what choices, exactly, were there, but just for one strange moment, he sincerely doubted that destroying his inator was among them.
And Perry leaned in for a precious few moments—close, but not too close. He had a certain look in his eyes that Heinz wasn't sure what to make of, but deep in the pit of his stomach, he knew he liked it. They studied each other at that meager distance for several moments before Perry pulled away with a sigh, and Heinz found that he could barely hold one back himself. Something was happening here; if only he could put his finger on what.
He wondered if silence or noise would make the moment more awkward and cleared his throat once Perry let his wrists down. Suddenly, his plans seemed... immature and petty, and he wasn't really sure if he wanted to carry them out.
"You can, uh... you know." He gestured lamely at the inator, glancing at it almost guiltily. "You won, after all. Had me pinned for forever."
Perry raised an eyebrow at him, as if to say, 'really?' before he glanced back at the inator. That was... unorthodox, although he could remember a few times where Heinz had been rather more lenient in the destruction of his creations. He sucked at the inside of his cheek, thinking for a moment, then took Heinz's wrist in hand.
It was easy for him, after so many inators, to find the self-destruct button. Even easier, after so long being nemeses, for him to navigate around the lab and find cover from the concussive blast. All the while, he held Heinz in tow, knowing that he could perfectly well fend for himself but... not really wanting him to. Not when he was here and able to keep him safe. 「You okay?」
"I mean, yeah, we've had worse." Heinz brushed off a bit of soot that had settled upon his lab coat, idly fixing himself up. Perry watched him with some amusement, then paused. The chances of Heinz actually accepting this were about a million to one, but there was a golden opportunity here. He couldn't possibly pass it up.
「Heinz,」he signed, waving to get his attention.
"Yeah?"
Perry regarded him with a little smirk and his eyes flashing slightly.「Still want to paint the town red?」
They took a taxi to a part of town that Heinz didn't visit often—the homes and high-rises of his neighborhood giving way to tall office towers and various entertainment venues. The flashing neon signs and bold lettering were almost too much to take in, and he found himself walking closer to Perry as they traveled.
For his part, Perry was taking the shortest route possible. He knew that Heinz wasn't exactly privy to these kinds of establishments, so in order to better lead him, he simply grabbed his wrist again. The pressure of skin on titanium was actually comforting in its own way. Perhaps because he was used to it. Or... perhaps simply because it was Heinz. Perry wasn't sure he wanted to speculate on which, just now.
In time, they came across a more subdued building, tucked away between a restaurant and a dance club, and hard for the eye to catch. Heinz raised an eyebrow at it, but relaxed a little bit as they entered. Of course, Perry wouldn't take him to a louder establishment, where they'd likely both be uncomfortable. It was nice in here, with a piano and saxophone playing and patrons quietly speaking with each other over drinks. There was a small dancefloor in the middle of the tables, and a few people were taking advantage of it.
It was... cute.
"Perry the Platypus, I didn't figure you for a clubbing kind of guy." His voice dropped to match the atmosphere as Perry presented a card to the doorman and slipped in with him. Perry cast him a moderately exasperated look and shook his head, leading Heinz to a table for two.
「Cabaret,」Perry signed, emphatic. Did he really look like someone who went to a club? He shook his head and handed Heinz the drink menu, more occupied with looking around at their surroundings and making sure everything was safe.
"Yeah. Whatever you say," Heinz teased as he eyed the menu. It had been so long since he'd gone out and done something like this that he couldn't even remember what he'd had last. Had it been sweet, sour? Hard liquor or wine? Heinz sucked at the inside of his cheek and flipped the two pages, finding himself relaxing in the atmosphere, but still unable to make a decision. "Hmm. Want to help me?"
Perry wondered if Heinz knew just how close he leaned in when he settled the menu between them, but decided he ought to count that among his good graces for the night. They leaned shoulder to shoulder, heads almost touching, as they both surveyed the menu for something Heinz might like. Perry pondered that—he couldn't imagine Heinz going for a particularly bitter drink, so sweet it would be. He briefly entertained the idea of telling him to order a cosmopolitan and immediately ousted it, but it still brought a smile to his face.
"No tricks, Perry the Platypus," Heinz muttered, eyeing him out of the corner of his vision. Perry merely grinned at him and sat back as the server arrived.
"Um, yeah," he floundered a bit, following Perry's suggestion. "I'll have that, and uh..."
He looked toward Perry, who smirked at him.
"What do you drink?" Heinz asked, mystified.
Perry only smirked wider.「Guess.」
"Guess? Seriously?" An incredulous look appeared on narrow features as the server looked on in amusement. Heinz scanned the menu once again, trying to match the various flavors and spirits to Perry's personality. He didn't know overmuch about this sort of thing, but he had a niggling feeling...
"...And he'll have an Old Fashioned," Heinz concluded. The server looked to Perry to confirm, and he was pleased to see that Perry actually nodded.
"Are you serious? I was actually right?" His eyebrows shot up as Perry watched him indulgently. "But... how? I just..."
「Maybe you just know me that well,」Perry teased, settling back to sip at his water.
"Or maybe you were just going to say yes to whatever I said, huh?" Heinz sat back with his arms folded, prodding the toe of Perry's shoe with his foot. "Is that it? I said no tricks, remember?"
「No tricks,」Perry promised. He crossed his heart to affirm it and kicked Heinz's shoe back.
They fell into a companionable silence as they waited for their drinks, periodically kicking each other (for good measure, obviously) whenever they felt there wasn't enough contact. When the drinks arrived, they clinked glasses gently and downed them at a leisurely pace. Perry preferred to let his drink last him quite a while, so he set his down for a moment and considered.
"What?" Heinz asked as Perry stood to approach him. He raised his eyebrow as his nemesis extended a hand to him and set his drink aside. "Are we leaving?"
Perry shook his head no, grinning a little bit as he took Heinz's hand and led him toward the dancefloor. The band had just started an upbeat melody he just knew they could swing dance to, and what better way to treat Heinz on a night out than to dance?
"Oh, I see. You want me to make a fool of myself?" Heinz teased. Perry snorted. If there was anyone least likely to make a fool of themselves on the dancefloor, it would be Heinz. He proved it even now, easily guiding Perry into a two-step to move along with the beat before spinning him twice.
And Perry didn't mind in the slightest. He took the lead in so much of their lives that, for once, taking a backseat was welcome. There wasn't anyone he'd trust more to dance with him than Heinz, and they always had a sort of innate sense about each other. They never tripped, never floundered, never misstepped while they were together. It was always one flawless, beautiful dance.
He found himself led into a series of spins and twists, complicated to the naked eye, but so simple when directed by his nemesis. Vaguely, he was also aware that people had stopped to watch their little 'performance,' and hoped that Heinz reveled in it rather than got overwhelmed. If he knew him—and he liked to think he did—then he would be perfectly fine in the spotlight.
But all too soon the song came to an end, and the two of them were left breathing a little heavy in the middle of the dancefloor to a scattering of applause. There was a smile in Heinz's eyes that Perry didn't think he'd ever seen before; some happiness that had gone as yet unexplored. And he wondered, maybe—had he perhaps put it there?
It was a thought he'd have been happy to explore further, had the lights not dimmed in preparation for a slow song to play. Perry glanced around the venue and smiled sheepishly, gesturing back to their seats. A dance he could do. A slow, intimate one like this said too much when he'd only done so little.
"Yeah, I... yeah," Heinz chuckled, rubbing the back of his head.
So they settled back down, sipping at their drinks. Perry noticed that Heinz kept stealing glances at him now and then; small things out of the corner of his eye that he wasn't really sure about. But then, he could hardly blame him when he periodically did the same. It was... endearing, in a sweet way, and he wondered what thoughts lingered in that brilliant mind every time he looked at him that way.「What?」
"Mm, nothing." Heinz waved a hand and set down his empty glass. "But I think I need some air, don't you? Let's take a walk."
Perry was happy to oblige, so he paid and left a tip behind before following Heinz out the door.
Like most nights in Danville, the weather was seasonably mild and there was a light breeze coming in from the east. It was a beautiful night for a walk, even if a bit cold. And if they walked far enough, they could even take a stroll on the beach.
But mostly he was following Heinz, taking steps next to him with one hand in his pocket. The other conveniently kept brushing up against him, which he'd taken note of some time ago but hadn't done anything about. He hesitated before taking his wrist in hand as he'd been doing all day. Evidently, that was wrong, though, because Heinz chuckled at him and shook his wrist free.
"Actually, I think it's more like..." There was a soft flush in his cheeks, but he bravely took hold of Perry's hand and twined their fingers together. Perry blinked down at their hands, his own cheeks growing darker at the implication. Okay, Heinz, he thought with a bit of a smile. If that's what you want.
It felt good to walk with Heinz like this, hands safely ensconced within the other's and not a problem in the world. No inators, no Monogram, no evil scientists, no backstories. For once, their world was at peace, and he couldn't think of any better way to spend it than with the man at his side.
They walked until they entered a park, and Heinz led them to a small bridge overlooking a brook. He stood by the railing and looked contemplative, but didn't seem to want to release Perry's hand, even though he'd reached his destination. Perry gazed at him for a few moments, then tentatively reached up and brushed Heinz's shaggy brown locks away from his face.
「Alright?」Perry asked, an eyebrow rising.
"Huh? Yeah." Heinz cleared his throat and looked back down into the water before looking up at Perry again. Perry watched him, trying not to look expectant, but wondering what was going on in his head all the same. "Can you just... I just... Tell me this is real, Perry the Platypus, okay? You're not just taking me out on a dare from OWCA, are you?"
Perry's other eyebrow rose. So that was what those little looks had been about. Heinz had been nervous, but for an entirely different reason than what he'd suspected. His features softened into something gentle and he raised their entwined hands, pressing a kiss to Heinz's knuckles before he released him.
「No, I'm not,」he told him, hoping that the truth would show on his face and in his words.「Nobody could make me do that to you, anyway. I'm here because I want to be Heinz. I've been trying to figure out how to handle Valentine's Day all week.」
Heinz blinked at the jumble of words he received in response. Luckily, he was a fast interpreter, and managed to cobble together what Perry was trying to say. "'Handle it'? So you were gonna—?"
Perry sighed and threw caution to the wind. He stood on the tips of his toes and faced Heinz, cupping his cheeks with both of his palms and guiding him forward.
Heinz's lips were slightly chapped, but there was a warmth there that Perry rather liked. His kiss was bittersweet thanks to the alcohol, and Perry thought he might get rather addicted to his natural sweetness if he wasn't careful. He couldn't help but smile into the kiss, hearing his nemesis swallow his own surprise, and tentatively deepened it by tilting his head and pressing close. Eventually, two titanium arms engulfed him in an embrace, and Perry was free to wrap his arms around Heinz's neck to hold him close as he pulled back to breathe.
There was a soft smile on his lips as he signed,「Yeah, I was gonna. Be my valentine?」
Incredulous laughter filled the space between them as Heinz leaned back to look at him. There was that light in his eyes again, Perry thought; and now he was sure—yes, he had put it there. And if he had his way, he'd keep doing it for as long as was possible.
"Huh," Heinz murmured, pressing their noses together and nuzzling him. Delighted, Perry stared up at him with stars in his eyes. "Maybe this holiday isn't so bad, after all. I guess I can be your valentine. If you kiss me again, that is."
Perry smothered his laughter, and this time used Heinz's turtleneck to pull him down for a kiss at his level. When he'd pictured Valentine's Day with Heinz, he had expected to ask him with some grand gesture. With baked goods or a new watch or new tools.
But it seemed, in the end, that all he'd needed to do was help Heinz paint the town red.