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He was early.
And that wasn't necessarily his fault—Monogram had insisted that he lounge around in a coffee shop one block away from DEI, claiming yet another new program to make agents' engagements more effective. Perry didn't know about that one. After all, that time he'd paraglided all around Heinz's apartment until he was done finishing his inator had been a bit of a disaster. But at least this time he got some tea out of it.
Even with the leisurely walk he had taken down the block (and the time he took to make sure his hat was straight in the elevator mirror), he could still hear Heinz tinkering away at his inator as he approached the door. Perry jiggled the doorknob, wondering if it might be open and prepared for his entrance, but alas. Locked. He sighed and retrieved the key Heinz had gifted to him, creeping in and shutting the door as quietly as possible.
Not that Heinz would have noticed, busy as he was singing.
"I need some therapy
'Cause knowin' me, I think too much—"
Perry raised an eyebrow. Therapy? It sounded incongruous to the melody, which was playing softly from his computer. As he watched, Heinz did a little dance and twirl around the inator, evidently knowing where he was going because he flipped his screwdriver right around and got to work. He was still singing, though, and Perry couldn't help but watch in fascination and amusement.
"Jumpstart my heart and make it stay
I'm runnin' out of ways to say
I'm sick of overthinking'
Kiss my lips and shut me up."
He couldn't help it. His lips parted, and he stared at his nemesis with some measure of incredulity. Kiss his lips and what?
Perry licked his lips, now deep in thought. Was he just singing aloud to the music, or was he singing about somebody? If he was singing about somebody, then who were they? Did he know them? Or perhaps Heinz had picked up another one of his (rather unfortunate) dates, and as yet hadn't told him. Perry shook his head. He couldn't think about that when he had a mission to complete, even though Monogram had been very vague. Something about the desserts missing out on TV dinner trays.
Deciding he would not find out anymore without some interrogation, Perry looked around for his daily trap. Maybe he could gather a little information about the inator from its design. He did so love to theme them after his idea for the day.
Alas, it told him nothing. It was a simple net on the ceiling, designed to fall when he tripped a certain invisible wire he saw shine in the light, just barely. Surely Heinz knew he was smarter than that. His traps usually got more elaborate with time. But there was no foregoing the classics, he supposed. Perry sighed to himself and walked over, purposely letting his ankle snag on the little wire that caused the net to fall. It appeared to be weighed down with lead bearings, which annoyed him because it allowed very little room for him to sit up and prevented him from planting his face onto the ground.
"Perry the Platypus!" Heinz turned on his heel and pointed at his computer with a remote control, turning the music off. Perry raised an eyebrow at him from within the net and folded his arms, waiting for an explanation. "You're... you're early. Did—did you see any of—? Uhh, nevermind. Of course you didn't. You couldn't have... Heh..."
He continued to babble to himself for a minute or two, then cleared his throat as he turned on his heel to face him. "A-Anyway, Uh, behold! The Dessert-Desert-Inator! I had to make a few tune-ups, you see, the uh... it was only grabbing TV dinner desserts and I'm looking for more than that, so... Nevermind. The point is, with this device, I'll be able to steal any kind of dessert I want. I mean, you know, I could just bake them, but then I'd have to go to the store and buy all the ingredients and measure, and ugh! Too much work. Much easier to make an inator to do the 'baking' for me."
Perry blinked. Aside from stealing dessert, this inator was... largely harmless. He didn't see the harm in letting Heinz have a few extra desserts, whatever they happened to be. And besides, Heinz normally enjoyed baking. There must be something more to this plan, surely.
"And what kind of dessert will I steal, you ask? Doonkleberry cake, of course! Look, look-look. I've already got so many!"
A cursory glance around the room revealed an enormous amount of doonkleberry cake, all decorated with candles and perfectly tiered into three layers. That was a lot of cake. What did Heinz intend to do, eat it?
"No, I'm not going to eat it all," Heinz guessed, watching Perry's expression keenly and folding his arms. "I just—you know—I swear it's evil. I mean, I'm technically stealing something, right? So there. Plus, I can at least eat a few of them, and give a couple away. And..."
Perry quirked an eyebrow at him.
Heinz sighed and laid his face in his hands. "Alright, alright, I give. I'm just not in the mood today, okay? You see, Perry the Platypus, tomorrow is the most miserable day of the year for me. It never fails, you know? Just my luck; every year, like clockwork, something bad happens and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I know I'm going to have to deal with it, so I just wanted a bit of a pick-me-up. And it's kind of pathetic to bake your own cake on... well, nevermind."
Perry frowned and began cutting away at the net with an available pocket knife as he pondered the issue. Surely Heinz couldn't mean...
His nemesis was watching him with a certain look. Perry couldn't place it—something like curiosity mixed with some kind of expectation that he wasn't sure he could fulfill. After all, if he didn't know what it was, then how could he possibly help? Perry freed himself from the net and shook out his suit, preventing any wrinkles from forming. Then he walked straight up to Heinz and looked into his eyes.
「What's wrong?」He queried, foregoing the still humming inator as it continued to steal cake after cake. The desserts could wait; for now, he was more concerned about Heinz.
"Nothing," Heinz muttered, unable to look him in the eyes for very long. "I just want..."
Perry waited, but Heinz remained resolute, and sighed as he waved a hand. "Forget it. It doesn't matter. I never get what I want, right? So why should tomorrow be any different?"
Perry frowned up at him and turned on his heel, locating the inator's self-destruct button and toggling it. The machine whirred dangerously and whistled in a high pitch. But Perry, who had lived through far too many inators to be concerned, merely grabbed Heinz's wrist and led him to the couch as it exploded. Heinz didn't put up a fight. At all.
(He grew even more concerned once he realized Heinz hadn't even used the good explosives this time.)
"I didn't say I wasn't going to fight you," Heinz groused, watching the smoke and flames for a moment. But he flopped down on the couch anyway, in counterpoint to the way Perry sat carefully, as if he didn't want to disturb him. "But, like, I'm kinda glad I don't have to. Don't tell Monobrow."
Perry raised an eyebrow. Heinz should know better. There were things he reported... and things he didn't. OWCA didn't know a fraction of what the two of them got up to during—and after—office hours.
He shifted, wanting to reach forward and touch him, but remained still until Heinz looked like he wanted it. He seemed inordinately sensitive right now, and Perry wasn't sure what would trigger him. Instead, he spent the time wondering exactly what bothered Heinz about tomorrow.
He tried to catch Heinz's gaze, to read his expression and see if he could discern anything from it, but Heinz avoided his eyes and instead occupied himself by looking around the room at the mess he would now have to clean.
「Seriously. What's the matter?」
"You know, it might seriously be none of your business," Heinz griped, frowning at him. Perry, on the other hand, knew not to interpret that as a dismissal. Heinz was merely posturing; sizing him up to see if he could really handle the brunt of the problem, just like he did every time he shared another sad backstory or introduced another new 'villain' from his past life. It rarely surprised Perry anymore; he honestly expected it at certain times. But not at times like these. Perry persisted.
「It's your birthday, isn't it.」
"Hmph. So you did remember." Perry's frown deepened at Heinz's tone. Of course, he remembered. Heinz had made it vividly evident last year, and now that he thought about it—had done so every year, going as far back as the beginning of their nemesis-ship. Perry just hadn't deigned to remember the date. Not until now, when...
Heinz sounded less venomous than Perry expected him to. He erred more on the side of caution, of what Perry might almost call relief. "And no, we're not going to have any... any repeats of the Slave-inator, if that's what you're concerned about. Like it matters; worked so well last time, didn't it?"
If he wasn't so preoccupied, Perry would laugh. It certainly hadn't gone according to plan for Heinz, so he was moderately glad that he didn't seem interested in doing anything evil on his birthday. Though that left him somewhat worried. An idle Heinz was an upset Heinz, and that simply wouldn't do on his birthday.
「Hey,」Perry prodded gently, hoping to rouse him.「I'll make you a bet.」
"I lose bets. Frequently." Heinz favored him with a sarcastic glance. "What makes you think I'd take you up on this one?"
「Because,」Perry cocked his head at him and smirked a little.「If you have a bad birthday tomorrow, I'll let you take over the Tri-State Area.」
"What?" An incredulous huff parted Heinz's lips, and he stared at Perry in amusement and skepticism both.
「For one day,」Perry amended, still smirking a bit to edge him on.「If you win the bet, you get the Tri-State Area. No tricks. Just me, in my trap, no self-destruct button. Deal?」
"Monogram will skin you," Heinz rejoined, clearly incredulous. But Perry could see the edge of a smile at the corner of his lips. "—Because I'm gonna win this thing, baby. You just ripped the Tri-State Area a new one, you know that? Oh man, I've never had a good birthday in my life! You're so going down!"
「If you say so, Doc.」Perry stood, eyes sparkling with mischief as he tipped his hat to him and made his way to the balcony.「See you tomorrow.」
He wondered, as he flew his hoverjet over to DEI, how badly this was going to blow up in his face.
After all, he could have the best intentions possible. He could have his entire birthday planned down to the minute, but Heinz Doofenshmirtz had an unfortunate proclivity for bad luck. Perry didn't know if that had to do with him or if it was just general misfortune that followed Heinz around, but he was determined not to let anything happen to him today.
"We don't know what his evil plan is today," Monogram had told him, looking perplexed and somewhat annoyed. "He's just... sitting there. Doing nothing. Wasting my time. I—I mean, OWCA's time. Just... get over there and see what he's up to."
Perry, who had planned to take Heinz out after thwarting him this afternoon, was only too happy to oblige.
True to Monogram's word, Heinz was simply sitting on the couch watching his favorite show when Perry finally landed on the balcony. He tread cautiously in case the figure on the sofa was a decoy, almost-but-not-quite hoping for a trap to spring on him. But no such luck. He made it all the way to the couch without so much as a hair out of place.
「What are you doing?」Perry asked, a smile playing on his lips.
"Waiting," Heinz replied, waving a hand grandly skyward. "You see, Perry the Suckerpus, it never fails that something bad happens on my birthday. I might be out of eggs, or trip on the sidewalk. My car might run a flat tire, or, y'know, my mother could call. Something. All I have to do is sit here and wait, and eventually I'll win the bet! You'll see, I'll have such a bad birthday that you can't help but let me take over the Tri-State Area tomorrow. Just wait. C'mon. Sit here with me."
「Happy birthday, by the way,」Perry signed dubiously, seating himself across from Heinz and glancing at the television. As he predicted, El Matador de Amor was playing, and Heinz seemed content to simply sit through the entire day, waiting for his own misfortune to hit him. Perry, on the other hand, wasn't so patient.
"Unhappy birthday, you mean," Heinz replied, smirking at him. "I mean, look. It's already started. This-this is one of my least favorite episodes. I mean the writing in it is just terrible, and the acting, woof! A plant could do better. But that's great news for me."
「Right.」Perry sat for a few moments, then glanced at Heinz and quirked a brow.「You know I have no intention of just sitting here on your birthday, right?」
"Yeah," Heinz muttered, a sigh parting his lips. "I figured. But you know, it's all just gonna come crumbling down on you. I mean, there's no possible way for me to have a good birthday. It just doesn't work. The universe hates me, or something."
「You're such a drama queen.」
"I am not!"
Perry rolled his eyes and shut the TV off, leading him from the penthouse out onto the street. He had a myriad of ideas on where to bring Heinz for his birthday, but they all came with various fallbacks. If he were to get hurt, lost, or even mildly inconvenienced, he would never hear the end of it. He'd just have to keep his guard up and make sure that he could protect Heinz from... whatever caused him such bad luck.
"What exactly did you have in mind?" Heinz queried, glancing at him warily.
Perry grinned and took Heinz's hand in his. He had plans for him today.
"Where are we?"
The smell of baked goods wafted through the air as Perry led Heinz into the convention center. He'd read about this event ages ago and simply knew that it was one of the most perfect places to take him on his birthday. He presented two tickets to the doorman, who wrapped both of their wrists in paper bands, and stepped aside to let them in.
"'International Baking Expo,'" Heinz read, eyeing the banner over the door as they passed it. "What are we doing here?"
But he was asking no one, apparently, for Perry had abandoned him moments ago. Heinz cast about to look for the telltale teal hair and found it bobbing back toward him only a minute later. Perry had availed himself of several samples, carrying an entire plate full back to him. Heinz raised an eyebrow, glanced at the plate, and then glanced back at Perry.
"Are those samples? Hey—" Heinz blinked as Perry took one of the small cake pieces and lifted it to his lips, flushing slightly and glancing away from him. After a moment, however, he faced his nemesis properly and let him pop the cake into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully.
"Hm. Could be better." He wiggled his hand up and down to indicate his indifference while Perry chewed on a cookie.
They walked at a leisurely pace, slowly consuming all the sweets on the plate and refilling it with new ones every time they passed a different row of bakers. It was when Perry tugged on Heinz's sleeve that he once again paid attention, gaze riveting from the ceiling back down to his nemesis.
"What's up?"
Perry pointed. Heinz's jaw dropped.
Nearby signs claimed different flavors and different methods of baking for the row upon row of almond brittle displayed along the aisle. He saw 'burned' almond brittle, brown butter almond brittle, chocolate almond brittle, and even almond brittle scattered with chili powder. Perry observed his reaction and grinned when he saw Heinz bounce on the balls of his feet.
"Can we go? Come on! Come on, look-look at this shop—"
Perry laughed under his breath and allowed himself to be tugged along, He'd known from the day that the expo had come to town that this was one place he'd want to take Heinz on his birthday, but having scoped it out and found the almond brittle section, he knew he simply had to do it. For a moment, he merely watched as Heinz stuffed his face with the samples, then reached out to touch his hand and prevent him from eating the last two.
"What?"
Perry fished his wallet out of his pocket and picked up a box, handing his card to the disgruntled cashier and giving him an apologetic smile. He glanced at Heinz, who seemed to be a little red in the cheeks again, and handed him the brittle.
"Perry the Platypus, you didn't have to..." Heinz mumbled, abashed. He glanced at the ground and then up at Perry through his lashes, almost as if he was afraid to make direct eye contact with him. Smiling to himself, Perry reached over and tilted Heinz's chin up, his own cheeks slightly pink.
「I want to,」he told him, and smiled a little more when Heinz's head ducked again. He patted him on the shoulder and gave him a light push, encouraging him to check out another vendor's brittle so that they could move along.
In the end, Heinz ended up with six different boxes of almond brittle that comprised various flavors. They spent the rest of midday sampling the rest of the convention, and subsequently nursed two full stomachs as they left.
Perry took his hand again, and their eyes met across the way. His eyes were glimmering, Heinz noticed, and forced himself not to pay attention to the way his heart fluttered in his chest. Stop it, he thought, and cleared his throat before offering Perry a little smile. "Okay. So it wasn't as bad as I assumed it would be."
「We're not done,」Perry signed, amused.
"We're not?" Heinz quirked a brow at him, then glanced up at the sun. It was already setting, and they had 'work' tomorrow. What else could Perry possibly have planned?
Occupied as he was, Heinz missed the sizable rock that laid in his path. Only a few moments passed before he slipped on it, all the almond brittle flying into the air as he attempted to regain his balance. "Ahh! Crap, the brittle!"
Perry only took a moment to watch Heinz tumble backward before he sprang into action. He pulled him up to his feet before he leaped after the boxes of almond brittle, deftly catching each of the six boxes while dancing out of the way of traffic and the observing passerby.
"See, this is what I mean. It's like I'm destined to have something bad happen to me today." Heinz regarded him with some bemusement and took the proffered boxes from his nemesis, offering him a faint smile. "Thanks. For uh... saving all that. I mean, you were the one that paid for it all, so of course you'd want to, but—"
「I did it for you, idiot,」Perry replied, his own bemusement apparent on his face. He fought to keep the sentiment neutral and successfully kept his cheeks from turning pink, but it took a herculean amount of effort from him. 「Just don't mention it. Ever.」
"Yyyeah. Probably a good idea," he agreed, determinedly ignoring another flutter in his chest.
"A laundromat? I know I'm not the easiest guy to take out, but you can do better than this."
Perry merely wagged a finger at him and pointed at a couple who had brushed past them and started crawling into the dryer. Heinz's eyebrow rose skeptically as he swung the door shut, then open, and leaned forward to see that the couple was indeed gone.
"What the hell?"
Snickering, Perry waved a hand for Heinz to follow and began crawling through the dryer. He pushed past the curtain that served as the 'back' of the dryer and straightened only when the tunnel expanded into a large open space. Cresting rows of neatly arranged seats extended down to an expansive stage and up towards the high ceiling of the venue. To ensure that people didn't fall forward, they installed ornate railings. The lights were intimately dim, but more than enough to see his way around, and waiters and waitresses were already milling about and serving the crowd.
"Perry the Platypus, where've you brought me to now?" Doofenshmirtz brushed the dust from his knees, glancing around and attempting not to let his jaw drop. Who knew that this could be hiding beneath the veneer of a cheap laundromat? He spun in a slow circle, admiring the decor and how the ceiling glittered as though it mirrored the night sky. "Wow. I mean, this is really something here, it—it's like..."
「Magic?」Perry suggested with a little smile.
"... Yeah," Heinz agreed, finally allowing his gaze to fall and look at him instead.
「Is that okay?」
Perry watched as Heinz deliberated. He knew firsthand that bringing up certain memories for Heinz was not generally a good idea—but from what he remembered, pulling a skunk out of a hat instead of a rabbit (that he later found, no less) wasn't exactly emotionally scarring for his nemesis. At any rate, he had a multitude of ideas if this one didn't work out.
Luckily, he needn't have bothered. Heinz nodded and took Perry's hand as Perry pulled out two tickets and handed them to the attendant standing in front of the seats. She offered them back with a little smile and a whispered 'happy birthday!' as they pushed past her to get to their seats.
The steps were steep, and Heinz didn't mind one bit that Perry's hand had protectively tightened around his own, because he for one didn't want to know what it felt like to fall all the way down them. He licked his lips as Perry led him straight to the middle of the venue, a few rows lower than the exact middle row so that they had a perfect view of the magic show. Heinz raised an eyebrow. Perry had clearly paid for premium seats.
"So. Magic, huh?" he murmured as they settled into their seats. "What prompted that?"
Perry shrugged.「I thought it would be fun.」
"You know, I could take this as a bad birthday gesture. You remember what happened with Bobo the rabbit?"
「Do you?」
Perry turned to look at him, two lines appearing as his brows drew together. Heinz blinked. He'd meant it as a joke, but his nemesis seemed intent on the fact that he might actually take it that way. The earnest look in his eyes made his heart stutter for a moment before he whiffed his head and held his hands up in surrender.
"No." he replied, smiling at him a bit. "No, I don't."
Perry released a little breath and smiled back at him, patting the hand that he'd placed on the armrest.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome—to the Danville Magic Lounge!"
They both blinked. Whoever had announced the start of the show had not walked upon the stage. Instead, a cloud of purple smoke emerged from the middle, and then parted to reveal a man clad in a midnight black suit. There was applause from the crowd as he took an extravagant bow, and Heinz couldn't help but smile a little bit more as he relaxed into his chair.
"Thank you, thank you. We have an amazing lineup for you tonight. But right now, for your viewing pleasure, I present the infamous Auron the Astounding!"
Applause once more rang out through the venue, and Perry leaned keenly forward. It was a well-kept secret of his that magic amused and fascinated him—something he was loath to tell Heinz, at least for now. He watched as Auron the Astounding ascended the stage, presumably by a small elevator located underneath, his sparkling attire glistening in the intimate lighting. With him, a chalkboard ascended, turned so that the audience could not see it.
Heinz fought the urge to skip down the stairs and turn it around, just to ruin things a little.
"Thank you, thanks. Yeah, good to be here. Good to be here... listen, let's cut to the chase. You guys wanna see some magic?" He waited for the resounding 'Yes!' that Perry expected, then said, "Then let's do some magic!"
Thunderous applause met the suggestion as the magician grinned and pulled out a deck of cards.
"Listen: tonight, a song has been stuck in my head. It's kind of annoying, honestly, but I thought it would be cool to include it in the show. But let's forget about that for now—let's... you know, actually, why don't you guys pull out the pen and paper that's sitting under your seats? That'd be a big help."
Perry and Heinz glanced at each other and bent, each retrieving the pen and paper given to them. Perry waited with pen poised, wondering what they might be for.
"Okay, great. So you guys are gonna help me decide the theme of this next trick, right? So I want everybody to write down something they wanna see—anything at all, doesn't matter if it's ducks or stars or even the dichotomy of good and evil. Let's write something down and pass it over to the center row so that we can collect it."
They glanced at each other again, eyebrows raised, before bending to write their answers. Once they completed their task, Heinz took the papers and passed them down, resulting in them being lost amidst the pile of scraps being passed over and up to the stage. Auron bent to accept three piles of papers from each of the sections, then thumbed through them.
"A dog, a spaceship, someone's grandma... man, it's gonna take forever to get through all this, though. What if we just..."
He waited for a moment, then tossed the wad of papers up in dramatic fashion. Perry watched as he snatched a paper out of the air, not noticing that he'd placed his hand atop Heinz's or that Heinz had turned his palm up so that they were holding each other.
"Let's see, what've we got here.... 'Something wicked.'"
Perry snorted. No question as to where that had come from.
"Something wicked, huh? Hm. Okay, let me think... Okay, you know what, cannibalism. That's pretty wicked, right? Eating people is—yeah, that's. That's pretty fuckin' wicked. Let's go with cannibalism. Who wrote this down? Lemme see your hand."
Heinz shrank in his seat, raising a feeble hand and glancing at Perry guiltily. Perry smirked at him.
"You, Lab coat. Let's have you and your partner come down, yeah? C'mon, come join me."
Partner? Perry and Heinz looked at each other in confusion and then, as one, glanced down at their hands. Their hands remained entwined. Perry bit the corner of his lip and tried his best not to blush, failing miserably, while Heinz laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck.
Applause sounded around them as they stood, making their way carefully down the steps and up the stairs onto the stage. Both of them were blushing now, sheepish looks on their faces as they stood next to Auron, awaiting instruction.
"Okay, look guys. Did y'all know that every deck contains a cannibal card? Yeah, look. Right here—the Jack of Diamonds. Nasty guy, really shitty. Let's put him over here for now. We'll get back to him in just a little bit. Cannibal card. Remember that."
Auron placed the Jack of Diamonds down on the available table next to him, turning to the pair of nemeses and grinning at them.
"Alright, what's your name?"
"Heinz."
"Alright Heinz. Here we go. Here's my deck of cards. I'm gonna rifle through them and you just say 'stop' whenever you want, alright?"
"A-Alright," Heinz replied, watching the cards flip. "Stop."
"Do you wanna stay here or go farther?"
"Stay there," he replied decisively.
"Okay. Take it out, and let's show it to your partner and the audience."
Heinz obliged, retrieving the card. He and Perry leaned over the three of clubs for a moment before he flipped the card over, showing it to the audience.
"Okay. Here, lemme—lemme trade you. Here, take this permanent marker and let me have the card. Now what I'm gonna have you do is in a moment is I'm gonna have you sign the card, and so that way there's only one card like this in the entire world. Actually, have your partner—what's your name, sir?—have your partner sign it too."
Perry glanced at Heinz, shrugging.
"His name is Perry," Heinz supplied, reading his look easily.
"Perry. Okay, Perry, you sign the card too—perfect. This is more so I can sell it on eBids after I'm done—"
He waited for the laughter and continued on after. "Right. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna—I'm gonna take this card, put it in the middle, like here-ish, maybe, everyone see it's in the middle?"
Murmurs of agreement followed the query, and Auron nodded in satisfaction. "Good. So what's gonna happen is that this cannibal card—" he retrieved the Jack. "—is actually gonna be able to find your card instantly. So here, so I'm gonna put it in the middle too, and you can cut the deck if you want to make sure I'm not pullin' anything—"
Heinz obliged and cut the deck.
"Great. Hold out your hand for me, Heinz. Here are the cards. Don't drop 'em, now Perry, put your hand on top of his."
Perry glanced at Heinz, who blushed a little, and couldn't help but smile a little as he covered the cards by placing his hand over his.
"So what I'm gonna—and I'm not gonna say 'abracadabra' or anything like—well, I just said it, so I guess I can't say that, huh?" More laughter. Auron waved his hands around the two joined palms. "And watch. That Jack is actually gonna look for your card—" and he snapped his fingers, then gently retrieved the deck. "And we're gonna go through these cards. See, the cannibal card actually finds your card in a unique way. 'Cause we go through, and see all these cards are good except—"
He revealed their card, sitting next to the Jack of Diamonds, with a piece torn out of it.
Heinz gasped audibly, and Perry let out a little breath of amazement.
"Do you see that? See, all the cards are good except for this one card, your card. Let's just recap: you pulled the card, you both—you both signed it, right, the Jack found the one card... check this out guys, you able to see that?"
He held up the 'bitten' card for the audience to see, and Heinz could hear gasps and shouts of surprise from the crowd as he stared at the card with wide eyes.
"And check it out, it really is—it's like a piece got torn out of it. But this—this is where it gets crazy. When you guys eat something, where does it go?"
Heinz mutely placed a hand on his stomach, still watching the card.
"Your stomach, right? Look at this, I said this was a cannibal card, right? So if we just—look, look—if we just..."
He tore open the card, slowly revealing its layers.
"No," said Heinz, incredulous. "Not possible."
"Possible," Auron corrected with a smile as he continued to rip the card. Sure enough, inside the layers of the Jack, Auron found the piece of the card that he had ripped. "Here, you can—yeah, take that, you guys, and just make sure it's the right—you know, that it fits, yeah."
"It fits," Heinz muttered, as Perry held up the piece and the card, placing them together. He huffed, genuinely impressed. "Scheiße, it actually fits!"
Raucous applause greeted the statement as the audience moved for a standing ovation, loud cheers and whistles accompanying the movement.
"You can keep that if you want," the magician suggested. "Little souvenir. Hold on, though. Do you guys remember me saying that I had a song stuck in my head before? Yeah, when we started? Let's see what we've got on the chalkboard here..."
He turned the board, and Perry and Heinz both stared incredulously at the words.
Something wicked this way comes.
"No way," Heinz protested, pointing at the board. "How is that—how did you...?"
"Ah ah ah, a magician never reveals his secrets." Auron wagged a finger at him. "What do you say, wanna see another one?"
The resounding 'YES!' from the audience almost hurt Perry's ears.
"Great, okay. Let's—here we go, fresh new deck of cards." He held it up for everyone to see, having retrieved it from the table. "Alright, now Heinz, I'm gonna have you watch me rifle through the cards again, and let me know when to stop, alright?"
"Okay," he replied, watching. "Stop."
He stopped on the three of diamonds and pulled out the permanent marker again. "You know the drill—go ahead and sign the card. That makes this three of diamonds the only type of three of diamonds in the world. And now we'll put that off to the side after we show it to the audience. Here we go... and now it's your turn, Perry. You tell me when to stop."
Perry blinked, momentarily thrown. But he recovered quickly, clearly game for the trick, and cut his hand through the air in order to signal him to stop.
"I'm guessing that means 'stop'," Auron teased, watching a sheepish smile bloom on Perry's face. "Alright. And time for you to sign the card as well. Now show it to the audience."
Perry turned the Eight of Spades over to the audience, then showed Heinz.
"And again, by signing it there's only one Eight of Spades like it in the entire world. Now, we've got two cards over here—" He retrieved the other card from the table. "—Uh, here-here we go. So you guys have a three and an eight, very fortuitous cards, now watch. The goal of this trick is to get the cards to line up straight. Perfectly straight. See how they're askew?"
He held the cards up for everyone to see, and Heinz observed they were indeed misaligned.
"So here's what we're gonna do: Heinz, open your mouth for me?"
"What?"
"Open your mouth," Auron repeated, lifting the cards to Heinz's lips. The audience laughed. Heinz looked uncertain, but opened his mouth so that he could place the cards between his teeth.
"Is this sanitary?"
Perry rather wished he could be the one to ask that question, because as soon as Heinz fit the card into his mouth, Auron beckoned him closer.
"Now you, Perry. Go on. Just bite down."
Perry barely kept himself from flinching, then shuffled closer to take the other end of the cards into his mouth.
"And here's what's gonna happen. The cards are gonna start to heat up... to melt, a little—you guys can put your lips on the cards too, you know."
Laughter resound from the audience as the two nemeses inched closer together, their eyes locked upon one another. Perry couldn't remember ever being this close to Heinz without having the intention of punching him in the face. And now, without it, he thought maybe he could lose himself in those endless pools of blue Heinz called eyes.
Except Auron was waving his hands between their faces, mimicking his magic for the crowd to see.
"And... done." He snapped his fingers. "You guys can take your mouths off the cards now. Let me see... Yes, look. I want you to see this—this... Look at this, no moves, and yet... There's only one card."
He flicked the single card for emphasis, but then leaned conspiratorially between Perry and Heinz. "But that's not the best part, guys. Take a look. If you wanna know what happened to that second card, it's actually been fused to the other side."
"What?!" Heinz stole the card from Auron's grasp as more laughter abound from the audience. He flipped it over and over and over again, but no matter which way he turned it, only one card—with two sides and their signatures—was there. "Perry the—Perry, look. You have to look at this!"
Perry leaned close into Heinz's space, though Heinz failed to notice as he continued to turn the card. He let out a low whistle of appreciation and couldn't help but applaud with the rest of the crowd, which was standing for another ovation. Some trick, he thought, moderately impressed.
"Wonderful, excellent! You guys can take your seats. Thank you so much for being my partners in crime tonight. I'm Auron the Astounding, and I hope you all have a wonderful night!"
Perry and Heinz stepped off the stage, each clutching a card from one trick performed. They were once again holding hands.
"Oh man, that magic show was awesome! First the cards, then the illusionists, and the sawing of a person in three parts..."
Perry smiled as he drove, listening to Heinz prattle like it was the most soothing sound in the world. The almond brittle they had collected earlier in the day now sat neatly in the back seat, waiting to be consumed, and they had a few more souvenirs from the magic show that needed to be sorted. But he had no intention of doing that yet, when the birthday fun wasn't quite over.
"So, where are we going now?"
「Home,」said Perry, then reconsidered his words.「Your home.」
"Home? But the party's just started!" Heinz protested, pouting. Perry forced himself not to laugh.
「Not done yet.」
They sped through Danville, slicing through the evening at breakneck speed. It was easy to get back to DEI with less traffic in the evening, and Perry couldn't help but smile to himself as he got out and grabbed the brittle. This was the first time he'd ever actually parked at DEI without having to hide it. It felt... good.
"Grab the—thanks," Heinz mumbled, staggering under the weight of the souvenirs they'd purchased. Perry pushed pulled the door open and pressed his back against it, allowing Heinz to pass him before he followed him to the elevators. "No-no-no, I've got the button. It's coming down. So do you want to... uh, grab a couple drinks or something? I have... wine, I think. And some other stuff. Um."
Perry glanced at him. It was an interesting insight into Heinz's life, knowing he had a few drinks on top of the fridge. But he'd never seen him consume any of it, so he was a little thrown by the suggestion. A fluid shrug accompanied his thoughts, and Heinz nodded as they stepped into the elevator.
No sooner did they open the door than a loud trumpeting sound greeted them, nearly making them tumble to the ground with the force.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR!" Norm exclaimed, bending his torso down to their level and staring Heinz in the face. Heinz yelped and staggered backward, while Perry set the brittle down on the coffee table and moved to steady him.
"Norm! How many times do I have to tell you not to scare me like that? Nobody wants to be greeted with a giant robot face right when they walk in the door!"
"SORRY, SIR. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY TO SEE ME." Norm's down-turned mouth pulled at Perry's heartstrings, and he reached to pat Norm on the hip.
"Fine, fine, yes, I'm happy to see you—what... what's all this?"
Heinz glanced around. Balloons, streamers, and a large banner reading 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!' were artfully placed throughout the entire apartment. He stepped further in and noticed that on the kitchen table, there was a two-tiered lopsided cake waiting for attention, and his daughter was putting the forty-eighth candle in place as he studied it.
To his right, in the living room, an enormous card reading 'WHAT DOES A SCIENTIST DO ON THEIR BIRTHDAY?' on the front stood half opened. It was adorned with two beakers, one with green liquid and one with purple inside. He stared incredulously up at the towering paper, which stood a few feet over his own head, and pushed open the card only to be greeted with a mouthful of glitter and confetti.
Perry tried his hardest not to laugh.
"Norm made the card," Vanessa explained, her voice wry. "Can you tell?"
Heinz, coughing and sputtering through all the glitter, read the rest of the card out loud. "They Cel-Lab-Brate? Really?"
Perry, chuckling, wiped the glitter and confetti out of Heinz's eyes and off his face. Heinz paused for a moment, then boldly leaned into his touch.
His nemesis paused, and their eyes met for a moment before Perry returned to his task, determined not to let his emotions get the better of him.
"Come on, Dad. It's really cute."
"Yeah... yeah. It's pretty good. Good job, Norm. You did something right for once."
"THANKS, DAD!" Norm perked right up at the compliment and the smile returned to his face. "DO YOU WANT TO TRY THE CAKE? IT'S DOONKLEBERRY FLAVORED!"
"I guess I shouldn't have made that Dessert-Desert-Inator, huh?" He glanced guiltily at Perry, who smirked at him and shrugged. "Alright, let's try it. When did you have time to set this up?"
"Perry took you out while we took over the apartment," Vanessa explained. She sounded proud, rightfully so, and glanced around the space before smiling. "I think we did a pretty good job."
"Oh, so it was a conspiracy, huh?" Heinz side-eyed his nemesis, who had the grace to look abashed. "You did a great job, Pumpkin. Thank you. Now, let's have some of that cake."
Vanessa served four perfect slices of cake, which they all enjoyed, sitting around the table and laughing as Norm stuffed his face and then pushed the dessert out of his ears so that it splattered everywhere. Perry, for once, felt utterly at peace. He looked around the table and smiled indulgently at himself, his heart clenching a bit at the thought of his other family, the ones who knew him, really knew him, and accepted him for who he was. This bond that he shared with Heinz and Vanessa, and even Norm, meant so much to him, and he intended to show Heinz just how much tonight.
"Time for presents?" Vanessa suggested, pulling Heinz to the small pile (of two presents and a card) and shoving a black and purple one into his hands. "This is from me."
"Oh sweetheart, you didn't have to—wow! New beakers!" Heinz, excited, ripped through the rest of the wrapping paper to inspect the glass tubes and containers. Vanessa smiled to herself, knowing she had made the right choice by watching her father tear through the packaging to get to his prize. "Honey, this is so thoughtful! You have no idea how much I've needed these, since a certain someone keeps destroying them..."
Perry cleared his throat, hiding a grin behind his fist.
"Thank you, Pumpkin," Heinz murmured, pulling her close to give her a hug. He pulled Norm's present forward next, shaking the box to feel how heavy it was and quirking a brow when he realized how easy it had been to pick it up.
"What's in here?" he wondered aloud, before he ripped open the wrapping paper and revealed a cardboard box. As he glanced inside, he pulled out two slips of paper.
"Aww, Norm. Two tickets to the new El Matador de Amor movie. That's... actually really sweet." He patted Norm's leg in some semblance of affection and smiled up at him. "Thanks."
"YOU'RE WELCOME, DAD!" Norm looked ecstatic... for a robot, that was, and it lifted Perry's heart to see.
One gift left. Heinz was about to tear open the card, recognizing that it was from Perry, until Perry put a hand on his shoulder and motioned with his head out to the balcony. He wanted this gift to be private.
Vanessa and Norm smirked at each other as they backed away, Vanessa holding her hands up in surrender. "I get it. You guys want some... alone time. Don't worry about us."
Perry nodded gratefully to them, then took Heinz's hand and led him out to the balcony. The wind whipped gently around them as Heinz sliced open the purple envelope with his finger, then pulled out the card. It was patterned with a pair of goggles and a similar two beakers, these two containing green and blue liquid.
"'Raise your beakers, flasks, and test tubes. It's time to... Cell-ebrate.'" Heinz snorted and glanced at him with a raised eyebrow, while Perry grinned softly. "Let's see."
He opened the card, tilting his head at the message and frowning as he looked at it.
"Hydrogen-Phosphorus-Boron-Iridium-Thorium-Dysprosium." He read off the elements listed there, and gave it a moment of thought before he laughed. "H-P-B-Ir-Th-Dy. I get it. That's cute, Perry the Platypus. What's this?"
Underneath the minor puzzle was a number ten digits long.
"Is this... is this a phone number?"
He glanced up at Perry, who was blushing slightly.
「... Yeah,」he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.「My personal one.」
"Your personal—really?" Heinz blinked once, twice, and felt his own cheeks heat a little at what implication that brought. "You'd trust me with that?"
Perry moved forward, his hand upon Heinz's cheek and his arm around his waist. Heinz drew a breath and bit his lip, trying and failing not to lean into his touch. It was just... just what he wanted, though he'd be loath to admit it. An earnest look appeared in Perry's eyes, gentle and... and almost loving, if he thought about it a little too hard. But he didn't want to; didn't want to get his hopes up.
「Read the rest of it,」he encouraged, before placing his hands back where they had been. Heinz lifted the card back into his eyes and blushed even more.
"'Ask me out sometime,'" He recited quietly, his heartbeat a hummingbird's thrum. "Do you... Do you really..."
Perry nodded, his forehead now pressed against Heinz's. He stared into his eyes and thrilled at the expression he saw there, careful hope and burgeoning happiness contained within those midnight blues. He loved it. He loved it and wanted it and craved it more than anything in this moment, except...
A step forward. A step back. Heinz was still uncertain whether Perry was serious, but he had little time to think before his nemesis pressed his lips against his own. A beat passed. Another, another, and another, until finally Heinz relaxed into the hold and wrapped his arms around Perry's waist, pulling him close as he deepened the kiss.
He was sweet from the cake, sugary with a tang and a bit of natural sweetness that he might, if he wasn't careful, grow addicted to. He could sense and smell Perry's natural musk, his cologne, and his closeness alone, shorting out his senses so that all he could do was moan into the kiss. He clutched at Perry almost desperately, wanting to keep him close even as Perry pulled away.
"I mean it," Perry breathed, his voice rough with disuse. Heinz's eyes widened as Perry smiled at him, already anticipating his response.
"Perry the Platypus, you—"
"Yeah," he whispered, gently biting down on Heinz's lip. "To you. And only you. You'll keep my secret, right?"
"... Of course," Heinz whispered, still in awe. He couldn't help but lean forward and kiss him again, so thankful and overwhelmed that he didn't know what to do with himself. Except this. This, and he hoped—so much more, if Perry really wanted this. If he really wanted... them, then Heinz would show him just how much he meant to him, and what a beautiful thing they could become.
"So." Perry murmured, lips still pressed lightly against his. "Bad birthday?"
"No," Heinz replied, his fingers finding their way into Perry's hair. "Never. Not with you, never again."
Perry nuzzled noses with him, his smile contagious, before he took Heinz's lips all over again. No, he promised himself. Not with him. Heinz would never have another bad birthday as long as he lived and breathed.
It was a promise he'd keep for the rest of their years.