Chapter Text
She awoke still in his arms. He was back, he was here. But waking in the spare room was a poignant reminder that they still weren’t quite where they were supposed to be. For all their physical closeness, there was still something just a little off. Jarring. He squeezed her close, kissed her and with a silent smile pushed himself out of bed and left the room.
When she made her way downstairs she found him perched on a barstool at the kitchen island same timid smile fixed in place.
“Pistachio croissant.” He said, sliding a paper bag across to her. “…and this abomination.” He grinned a little more as he passed her the drink she’d requested.
“You remembered.”
“Course.” He said, eyes darting across her face, trying to read her. Judging her acceptance, he smiled again, sliding out of his seat and walking through to the lounge. Settling himself down again and flicking the TV on, browsing aimlessly.
"Thanks." She said gratefully, taking a place beside him whilst resting her breakfast on her lap, a little unsure as to where they stood with one another as they shared soft smiles but little more.
As she delicately pulled apart the croissant its appeal began to fade, her appetite lost amidst this unknown tension that seemed to linger between them. He seemed awkward, uncomfortable in her presence as he continued to mindlessly change the channel, unable to settle on anything.
Defeated, he switched it off and started shuffling for the cigarettes on the table in front of him.
“Matty?” She asked quietly, he looked up. “We’re good, right?”
“Yeah,” He assured her. “We’re good.”
“Because, I know we talked last night but…” She felt the unwelcome prickle of tears, teasing behind her eyes.
Immediately noticing her distress, he abandoned the pack of smokes and reached for her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers.
“We are good, darling. We are. I promise.” He soothed. “I just…”
There was something. Undeniably. He exhaled, a long breath from his nose.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to overwhelm you. I’m…trying, ok.”
“What do you mean?” She asked tentatively.
“I don’t want to lose you.” He said, solemnly. “I know I’ve still got work to do here, to make things right.”
“You…”
“No, please, let me just…I know I can be selfish sometimes. I know that, and I’m sorry. And I can be impulsive and it…” He seemed to get stuck with his words for a moment before finding his place again. “I nearly fucking proposed to you last night.”
Her eyes widen, his fixed to hers with a tinge of pain behind them.
“I know, crazy.” He shook his head. “I just, I needed to let you know how I feel about you. How serious I am about you, and I thought that was the best way. And it isn’t, it absolutely isn’t. But…when I panic…I just…”
She squeezed his hand tightly in hers.
“That’s not the right way, I know. That’s what I mean, I’m impulsive and selfish and it gets me into trouble sometimes. I’m trying to be better at not just doing what’s right for me…but what’s right for you.”
“Matty…” She bites her lip hard to repress the tears once again attempting to escape her.
“I love you, ok. And I want to do it all with you. But, I need to get a hold of myself and not go barrelling into things. I am sorry about not calling you when I was away. That was fucking basic level of care and I fucked up. I’m sorry. And I need to get the basics right before charging ahead.”
He takes another deep breath.
“And I’m sorry if I made you feel insecure. About me. About our future. I think that’s what I was trying to redress by offering you a ring…I don’t even have a ring!” He laughed to himself. “But, if you’ll let me, I want to make it up to you, ok?”
“Matty, you don’t have to do this.” She said, her fingers caressing his whilst not letting go of the tight clasp she held him in. “Don’t torture yourself over it. We had a fight. It happens. We’re gonna get through this, just like we’ve gotten through the other challenges that have been thrown at us.”
“You sure we’re good?” He asks.
“I’m sure. I mean, a mid-fight proposal would’ve been a little extreme but…”
He laughs, a short shrift sound. Mocking himself.
“I know. I’m only telling you that because, I need you to know that’s the kind of way my brain operates. I panic and I reach for crazy solutions. But, I’m trying to do this properly. Not take a fight and make it into something else.”
“It was just a fight. We talked it through and we’ll move on from it.” She said, nodding at him, looking for his agreement. “And we’re good. We are.” She squeezed his hand tightly again for confirmation.
He sighs, wearily.
“You not gonna eat that?” He says, nodding at the untouched croissant.
“Wanna share?” She says and he reaches out to take a piece, still not letting go of her hand.
“How’s the coffee?” He asks.
“You wanna try that too?” She cracks a smile as he sheepishly nods. “And to think, you were all set to rip the piss out of me for ordering this.”
“Come on, it’s a ridiculous order!” He says, as she offers him the cup and he wrinkles his nose at the pinkish drink before him.
“Tastes good though, right?” She says, watching him take a careful sip.
“I could be converted.” He smiles back.
"I'll let you share.” She adds, elbowing him softly and using it as an opportunity to lean into his warm side.
He picks up the remote control again, decisively landing on a suitable background ambience.
“I just wanna stay here with you all day. Is that ok?” He asks, resting his chin on top of her head that has found a home on his shoulder.
“Sounds like a plan to me.”
They share a few moments of comfortable peace, just relaxed with one another whilst they finish their shared breakfast.
“When I do it, when I propose to you. It’ll be proper, ok? It won’t be out of panic or insecurity. It’ll be done right.”
She smiles, wanting to give affirmation to his words.
“You don’t need to try and sell me on it.” She says. “I’m pretty onboard with the concept.”