There Is a First for Everything

I never saw myself as a bitter person, I have never held grudges before, and I have never told anyone I hate them nor have I cursed at anybody, not even at the guy who called me a “piece of fucking shit” in the eighth grade. However, all that changed when my best friend told me he was in love, in love with my crush, my first love, my one and only.

You want to know the messed up part about it? My best friend, Kim Taehyung, knew about my crush on Jeon Jungkook, he knew I wanted to ask Jungkook out. He always encouraged me to do so. He always told me, “Stop being a little bitch and ask the kid out, and if he doesn’t say “yes” then fuck him. You can do so much better.”

I never got to ask out Jungkook out. I was too much of a chicken. I should have. I really should have, but I didn’t. Till this day, I regret not asking him out. Maybe he would have said yes and we’d be dating right now and acting like a gross young couple.

I noticed a change in Taehyung’s attitude when I spoke about Jungkook, he didn’t encourage me anymore. He didn’t tell me to ask Jungkook out. All he told me was, “He’s great, anyone would be happy to have him.” At that time, I didn’t think anything of that statement. I should have, it was a warning. A warning that said, “I want Jungkook too.”

I noticed something in Jungkook that I had never noticed. Whenever I spoke to him and Taehyung was with me, his eyes were always on Taehyung, and never on me. I was too blind that I never saw that. My eyes were always on the beautiful creature named Jeon Jungkook.

When Taehyung told me he and Jungkook were dating, my heart stopped. I sat frozen. The only thing that went through my mind was, “what?” I couldn’t believe what I heard. I thought he was joking. He used to joke with me that he liked Jungkook and was going to ask him out to get me all fired up, and he’d laugh at my reaction, the keywords being “used to.” He wasn’t joking. He was being serious. The most serious I have ever seen him. 

He chuckled, “Crazy, right?”

Yes, it was fucking crazy. My best friend and my crush are dating, my best friend since birth and my crush since elementary school. I have liked Jungkook since I was seven years old, and I am now twenty-one years old. More than ten years since I have liked him, and twenty-one fucking years since Taehyung and I have been friends, best friends. It’s crazy how someone you saw as your brother would steal the one person you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with. It’s crazy how I thought Jungkook was going to fall for me and date me and hell, marry me in the future. It’s crazy how delusional I was all these years. It’s crazy how I didn’t see the signs. It’s crazy how much in love I am with Jeon Jungkook.

“I know that you love him, but I love him too, and he loves me too.” Taehyung said to me, with that fucking box shaped smile. He knew that my weakness was his smile. I could not stay mad at him with he used that smile. He knew I was going to forgive him for stealing what is mine, or what I want to be mine. He has stolen many things from me before. And I forgave him every single time. Why? He is my best friend, my brother, my protector from this wicked world.

With that, he left me. I watched him walk off. I watched him stop. I watched stick out his hand. I watched him lace his fingers with Jungkook. I watched him lean in and give Jungkook a soft peck on the lips. I watched him as Jungkook pulled away with a shy smile on his sweet lips. I watched him lead Jungkook away to somewhere I will never know. I watched him as he took the love of my life away from me.

Later that day, I got a text from Taehyung. It was picture of him and Jungkook. He was shirtless. Jungkook was fast asleep on his chest wearing nothing but an over-sized white t-shirt. Taehyung had that box shaped smile on his happy lips. At the bottom of the picture there was a caption, and it said,

I’m sorry. I love him too much to give him to you.

▪▪▪▪▪

Soon, Seokjin hyung found out what happened. He slapped Jungkook across the face. Namjoon hyung had to hold him back before Taehyung was slapped next by the fuming Seokjin.

Before anybody knew it, Taehyung was on the floor with Hoseok hyung on top of him, punching the day lights out of him.

I stood there watching as my best friend began to bleed. I stood there listening to the screams of Jungkook. I stood there as Namjoon hyung got Hoseok hyung off of Taehyung. I stood there as Jungkook went to Taehyung’s side, and cradled his head like it was some precious jewel. I stood there as Jungkook wiped the blood off of Taehyung’s face with his shirt sleeves. I stood there as Jungkook whispered “I love you” to Taehyung. I stood there as the couple stood up. I stood there as Taehyung gave me that bloody box shaped smile. I stood there as he said, “I love you Jiminnie.” I stood there as they left, holding onto to each other’s hands as if their lives depended on it. I stood there as the hyung’s all gave me hugs, telling me “you don’t deserve this.”

I stood there as bitterness took hold of my body.

I stood there as bitterness whispered in my ear, “Never forgive and never forget.”

▪▪▪▪▪

About a few of weeks after the whole episode, Jungkook came up to me. He looked beautiful. He looked like an Angel sent from the heavens. He looked like a lying cunning bastard who took my heart and ripped out of my chest and held it in his delicate hands, squeezing the blood from the vessels and tossed it to the side without a care in the world. But after all that, I still love him. Pathetic isn’t it? I’m a weak Human by the presences of the Fallen Angel named Jeon Jungkook.

He sat next to me not saying a word. He stared up at the clear sky and smiled. “It’s a perfect day.” He said, inhaling in the fresh air. “A perfect day for Taehyung and me to get married,” He smiled over at my frozen body. He picked up his left hand and showed off a beautiful diamond ring on his delicatefinger. “He proposed to me the other day. It was all of a sudden considering we haven’t been together that long and how young we are, but I said yes, since I love him.” He softy said with an adoring smile.

He stared at my wide eyes. He gave me a soft smile. “I never liked you. It was always him from the beginning.” After that, he left and never turned back.

▪▪▪▪▪

A letter came in the mail. It was an invitation to the wedding. The hyung’s came over to my place to cheer me up, but I told them no matter what they did; nothing is ever going to fix my bitter broken heart. Bitterness had drowned me since the day I saw Taehyung’s bloody smile.

“Jimin, you have never been bitter.” Seokjin hyung told me.

I nodded my head and released a bitter chuckle, “I have never been bitter, well; there is a first for everything.”

That was the day the happy go lucky Park Jimin died.

That was the day the bitter cold-hearted Park Jimin was born.

▪▪▪▪▪

I went to the wedding. I sat there in despair as they shared their first kiss as a married couple. I sat there as they shared their first dance as a married couple. I sat there as they fed each other. I sat there as my bitterness boiled up in anger.

I stood up and walked over to them. I stood before them. I stared down at them as they whispered sweet nothings to each other. I cleared my throat. I got their attention. They gave me a smile. I felt the tears stream down my cheeks. I opened my mouth and a choked sob passed through my plump lips. I picked my fist. Taehyung stood up. Jungkook sat still. I close my eyes. I punched him, wiping that box shaped smile off his face. I opened my eyes, glaring at him.

“Thank you. Thank you for creating this bitter demon that will never leave me. Thank you for betraying me. Thank you for leaving me on my own. Thank you for ruining my life. Thank you.”

I left the happy couple with words that I hope will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

▪▪▪▪▪

I left South Korea and left the never been bitter Park Jimin behind.

I moved to United States with the bitter Park Jimin.

I left my old life to start anew.

I left everything behind in South Korea.

I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to be in the same place at Jungkook and Taehyung.

However, my love for Jungkook stayed with me. The bitterness didn’t want to let him go.

It will never ever let him go. No matter how much I want to.

My bitterness will eat me alive till the day I die while Jungkook and Taehyung live a happy life.

The happy life I want, but the happy life I will never get, with bitterness being my only companion.